04x15 - Slash – The Evil Turtle from Dimension X

[bunniefuu]

♪♪ [THEME SONG]

♪ Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles ♪

♪ Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles ♪

♪ Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles ♪

♪ Heroes in a half shell ♪

♪ Turtle power ♪

♪ They're the world's ♪

♪ Most fearsome
fighting team ♪

We're really hip.

♪ They're heroes
in the half shell ♪

♪ And they're green ♪

♪ Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles ♪
Hey, get a grip!

♪ When the evil Shredder
attacks ♪

♪ These turtle boys
don't cut him no slack ♪

♪ Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles ♪

♪ Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles ♪

♪ Splinter taught them
to be ninja teens ♪

He's a radical rat.

♪ Leonardo leads ♪

♪ Donatello does machines ♪

That's a fact, Jack.

♪ Raphael is cool,
but rude ♪
Gimme a break.

♪ Michelangelo
is a party dude ♪

♪ Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles ♪

♪ Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles ♪

♪ Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles ♪

♪ Heroes in a half shell ♪

♪ Turtle power ♪

How much longer is
this gonna take, dude?

I keep telling you,
Michelangelo, you
can't rush genius.

Especially such
a humble one.

Just one final adjustment,

and, voila,


to choose from.

[RAPHAEL]
Perfect picture, Donatello.

And just in time for my
favorite program,

Lifestyles of the Brilliant
and Scholarly.

You gotta be kiddin'.
I'd rather watch
a test pattern.

Get serious, dudes!

The Banana Slug
That Slimed Detroit
is about to start!

What? And miss
the kickboxing
tournament?

Definitely. My brain's
dialed in for a truly
bodacious flick.

Now, me? I'd rather have
a few giggles.

I say we tune in
to the Laugh Channel.

Guys, there's
only one fair way
to settle this.

We'll draw straws.

The short straw gets
to watch his program.

Bummer.

All right!

Here, Raphael.
Happy viewing.

Come on. Aren't you guys
gonna watch the Laugh Channel
with me?

They're doing a show
from the House of Ha-Ha.

Are you kidding? I get
my daily quota of bad jokes
just hanging around you.

Anyone interested
in some pizza?

Totally triumphant
suggestion, dude.

Sore losers!

Now, to enjoy some
heavy-duty yucks.

Speaking of girls,
I once dated this girl

who had a strange growth
on her neck.

It was her head!
It was her head!

[LAUGHTER ON TV]

That's not all.
She sprayed so much
mousse in her hair,

she grew antlers.
She grew antlers.

[LAUGHTER ON TV]

Oh, man, I'd bet I could be
a great stand-up comic,

if I weren't so busy protecting
the world from evildoers.

Speaking of my girlfriend,
the other day she--

What the heck?

[AUDIENCE BOOING ON TV]

[CHUCKLES]
That Joey, huh?

Always leaves 'em
wantin' more.

Well, that's weird.
No comic quits in
the middle of a joke.

Not even a bad one.

[TRANSMITTER BEEPS]
Raphael here.

Raphael, I got a report
that something strange

is going on at
the House of Ha-Ha.

It seems that comedians
are disappearing

right in the middle
of their act!

I know, April.
I just saw it on the tube.

The club's just
a few blocks from
your lair.

Could you guys
check it out for me?

Well, I'm the only one here,
but that's no problem.

If anyone can crash that club,
it's yours truly.

[CROWD LAUGHING
IN DISTANCE]

That comedy club should be
right around here someplace.

[CROWD LAUGHING]

Aha! It's the Ha-Ha!

♪♪ [LOUNGE]

What a sewer.

Then again, some of
my best friends live
in a sewer.

Hey, waiter!
You in the green suit!

Where's that pizza
I ordered?

Well, you said heavy
on the anchovies.

[CROWD LAUGHING]

I can watch what's going on
from here without being seen.

Uh, you here
for the tryouts?

Uh, no, no, I'm one
of the stage hands.

[CROWD LAUGHING]

Oh, here's a man
who looks like he's
going places.

And the sooner the better.
[DRUM HIT]

[CROWD LAUGHING]

Lady, I never forget a face,

but in your case,
I'll make an exception.

[DRUM HIT]
[LAUGHING]

Oh, this guy is the pits.

Even I could do better
than that.

Oh, when your parents had you,
they sure hit the "jerkpot".

[SLIDE WHISTLE BLOWS,
DRUM HIT]
[CROWD LAUGHING]

[MAN GRUNTS]

[CROWD PROTESTING]

[DRUMROLL]

Okay, you're on next.

Now get out there quick!

No way! It's one thing
to die on stage.

It's another thing
to disappear.

What am I gonna do now?

This crowd is mean enough
to riot,

or worse yet,
ask for their money back.

Oops.
Great!

There's still
one more comic left!

All right, kid.
Now get out there
and knock 'em dead.

Wait! I'm a turtle.

Now, that's okay.
Every comic's gotta
have a gimmick.

But-- But-- I--
♪♪ [COMIC FANFARE]

Folks, our next performer
is brand-new to the comedy game.

In fact, you might say
he's totally green.

[DRUM HIT]
[CROWD LAUGHING]

All right, kid.
I warmed 'em up for you.

Now, break a leg!
Whoa!

Oh, boy.
Looks like I was saved
by the shell.

[DRUM HIT]

I, uh--
I just celebrated
my birthday.

I was born under
the sign of Aquarium.

[DRUM HIT]
[CROWD LAUGHING]

[LAUGHTER ON TV]
He'll be sorry he didn't
come with us, Raphael.

You missed some
stupenduloso pizza, dude.

Where is Raphael anyway?

[LAUGHTER]
I don't know, but he forgot
to turn off the TV set.

I'll have to talk to him
about it when he gets back.

Hey, you know what has
a hard shell, green skin
and purple feet?

A turtle who makes
his own grape juice!

[DRUM HIT]
[CROWD LAUGHING]

[LEONARDO]
Raphael?

Doing stand-up?
At a comedy club?

[ALL]
I don't believe it!

Okay, you know what you get
when you cross a turtle
with a gorilla?

I don't know, either,
but you better get out
of its way!

[DRUMROLL]
[CHUCKLES]
It's Raphael!

And he's really good!

Oh, he's good all right...

at making a total fool
of himself.

Why, Vernon,
I think you're jealous.

Jealous? Me?
[SCOFFS]

I can make people
laugh, too, you know.

Whoa!
[SCREAMS]

[CHUCKLES]
You certainly can, Vernon.

[LAUGHING]

[CHUCKLES]
Bear with me, folks.

I've got a frog
in my throat,

and I'm afraid
I might croak!

[DRUM HIT]
[CROWD LAUGHING]

Please, Mr. McFingers,
you gotta stop making

my comics disappear
like that.

It's ruining my business.

Yeah? That's too bad.

Please, if you
want comedians,

why not just call
their agents?

Are you asking me
or telling me?

I'm, uh... begging you?

Well, here's my answer.

Get him!
You sure, Pinky?

Yeah, I'm sure.

You're the boss.

[CROWD LAUGHING]

But I just wanna say--

Oh!

What happened to Raphael?
I don't know.

He was in the middle
of a joke when,

all of a sudden,
the lights went out.

[CROWD PROTESTING]
That's it
for tonight, folks!

I'm glad you
enjoyed the show.

[CROWD]
Hey! Boo!

[TRANSMITTER BEEPS]
Yes, April.

Donatello, I'm worried
about Raphael.

He's at the House of Ha-Ha,
and he might be in trouble.

We saw his act on TV, April.
It wasn't that bad.

You guys better get
over there on the double!

Fellas, let's haul shell.

Come on. Come on, you guys.
What's taking so long?

This guy's putting up
quite a struggle...

for a comic.

[MCFINGERS]
Okay, head for the hideout.
[ENGINE STARTS]

[DONATELLO]
Leonardo, are you sure
you know where you're going?

[LEONARDO]
Just follow me.

I know this sewer system
like the back of my hand.

The House of Ha-Ha
is definitely this way.

[GRUNTS]

Or is it that way?

I've got a feeling
we're in deep muck.

[APRIL]
Please, Chief, you've
just gotta let me cover

these mysterious
disappearances at
the House of Ha-Ha.

Ha-ha, forget it, April.

Nobody cares about a bunch
of third-rate comedians.

I'm assigning you
to a really big story:

an infestation of gypsy moths
at the botanical gardens.

They're really playing heck
with the azalea bushes.

Gypsy moths?
Azalea bushes?

I'm talking about people.

And I'm talking
about your job!

The real reason she's
so anxious to cover
this story

is because her weird
Turtle friends are involved.

The Turtles? Ooh!

I'm still paying off bills
from the last story

involving those
green menaces!

Now, you and Vernon get
over to the gardens,

and that's an order.

Whatever you say, Boss.

Better take
this insect repellant.

You never know what trouble
you might run into.

[VERNON]
April, you're driving
in the wrong direction!

The botanical gardens
are that way!

I know, but we're going
to the House of Ha-Ha.

But Burne distinctly
ordered you to stay away
from that place.

Vernon, you're really
starting to bug me.

Now, you can cover
the botanical garden story
[TIRES SCREECHING]

by yourself.

In my book,

turtles are a lot more important
than a bunch of moths.

[RAPHAEL]
How'd I get into this fix?

My routine couldn't
have been that bad.

Those g*ons may have
taken away my dignity,

but they didn't take
away my sai.

[MCFINGERS]
Get the funny man
out of the trunk.

Uh, right, Boss.

Uh, it's empty.

Just like your heads!

Haven't you guys heard?
Give a turtle enough rope,
[BLOWS LANDING]

and he'll tie you up.

Hey, what do you think
you're doing?

A good boss ought
to be close to his men.

Now, to see what
these bozos are up to.

So this is where
you guys disappeared to.

Oh, great. Fabulous.
We're being rescued here
by the Jolly Green Turtle.

Never mind him.
Just get us outta here.

I heard of a c*ptive audience,
but never a c*ptive performer.

That's pretty funny.
Consider it stolen.

[MCFINGERS]
You, in the turtle suit!

I'll teach you
to tie me up.

You better just
come along quietly.

Well, if it's all the same
to you, I'd rather make
a lot of noise.

Ha-ha! Woo-hoo!

[RAPHAEL CACKLING]

[CABLE SNAPPING]
[SHOUTS]

[MAN]
I got you!

For a guy who's supposed
to be funny,

you're in serious trouble.

Mr. Bigelow?
I'm April O'Neil

from Channel Six News.
Beat it.

I don't need
some nosey reporter
snooping around here.

I want to talk to you
about the comedians
who've been disappearing.

Look, are you gonna walk
out of here, or am I
gonna throw you out?

Don't be rude, dude.
That's no way to talk
to a lady!

You're the guy
in the cheap turtle suit.

How'd you get away
from Pinky McFingers
and his g*ons?

Cheap turtle suit?
I resemble that remark.

Oh, now I get it.
You guys are an improv group.

Open auditions
are on Wednesdays.

We're not here to audition.
We're here to find our friend.

And we've got a feeling
you know something about
how he disappeared.

Yeah, he did it like this.
[ELECTRONIC BEEPING]

Now he's disappeared, too.

Mondo disaster, dudes!

Now we'll never find out
where Rafael is.

I don't know what
you're up to, McFingers,

but you won't get
away with it.

You ought to be flattered.
You're gonna take part in
a scientific experiment.

Ooh! Experiment?
[RAPHAEL]
Don't worry, Joey.

This guy doesn't look like
a scientific genius to me.

I don't have to be.
I can buy brains.

Come on out, Professor.

[RAPHAEL]
Baxter Stockman!

What are you doing here?

I am not Baxter!

Baxter is my brother!

I'm Barney Stockman!

Barney!

Well, that's incredible.
You look just like him.

I'm sick and tired
of everyone telling me that.

I'm much better looking.

My brother botched an experiment
and turned himself into a fly.

Tell me! Do I look like
an insect to you?

Do my eyes bug out?

Can I walk on ceilings?

I don't know.
I never seen your act.

Okay, Professor.
Cut the temper tantrum,

and let's get on with it.

Uh, get on with what?

Gentlemen!

You are about
to witness the effects
of my latest invention,

the gagamagnifier!

Gagamagnifier?

It increases the comedy power
of jokes by 6,000 percent!

Oh, I sure could have used
this thing last night.

Yeah. Where can I buy one?

I'm hoping to have it
in stores by Christmas.

Forget all that.

Tell them how it works.

We take a really
funny comedian,

hook him up
to the gagamagnifier,

and project his super-enhanced
jokes throughout the city!

Reducing the citizens
to helpless hysteria!

And while the poor jerks
are rolling around on
the ground laughing,

me and the boys swipe
whatever we want.

And now, to determine
which of you three
is the funniest.

I can't believe
this is happening.

This is too bizarre...

even for a cartoon.

Aw, don't waste your time
with a test.

Just hook me up.

You? You couldn't
get a laugh out of
a ticklish hyena.

Oh, yeah?
Your jokes are so old

they get on the bus
for half fare.

Gentlemen! Gentlemen!

We'll let the laugh meter

decide who's the funniest.

Okay, you bozos,
it's show time.

You, gagameister,
make me laugh.

Okay, here it goes.

You know how to find
a head on a worm?

You tickle it in the middle
and see which end laughs.

[ELECTRONIC WARBLING]

That was a real groaner.

Okay, funny man,
now it's your turn.

Wait'll you hear this one.
It'll k*ll ya.

I just met the meanest guy
in the whole world.

He bought a homing pigeon,
and then he moved!

A giggle.
Close but no cigar.

Okay, Mr. Greenjeans,
your turn.

All right.
Here goes nothing.

And I do mean nothing.

You know the best place
to raise turtles?

In an elevator.

Bingo! We found our subject!

Congratulations, kid.
You got the job.

Are you totally nuts?
That's the worst joke
I ever heard!

I think you and your
invention both have
a couple of screws loose.

The machine works fine,
and you're the one
it picked.

Whoopee. Lucky me.

Do you believe it?

They actually picked
that yo-yo in the turtle
skin over me.

Or better yet, over me!

I'm warning you, McFingers.

You can lead a turtle
to a gagamagnifier,

but you can't
make him joke.

What exactly does that mean?

It means I refuse to be part
of your vicious scheme.

Oh, yeah?
Professor?

Show our little green friend
what'll happen

to his buddies
if he don't cooperate.

With the greatest
of pleasure.

[BOTH SCREAMING]

Okay. Stop. You win!
I'll do it.

[MEN SCREAMING]
[MACHINE POWERING DOWN]

I knew you'd
see it my way.

All right, young man.
It's show time.

You know what you get
if you cross a turtle
with a mousetrap?

A snapping turtle.

You know why turtles
can't become electricians?

They get shell shocked.

I have a great memory.

You might say I have
turtle recall.

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

It's working.
It's working!

Okay, let's get rolling.

Wait! If you're going
out there, you'd better
put on these gag masks.

They'll protect you against
the effects of the joke waves.

Okay, guys, time
to take advantage
of a helpless population.

[RAPHAEL]
Know what you call
a turtle in a steam bath?

A turtle neck sweater.

It's not easy for
a turtle to get a job.

No one wants to shell
out the money.

Attention, all citizens.
Be on the alert for

an insidious joke wave
that's approaching
our city.

[RAPHAEL]
I'm a turtle,
and my doctor's a duck.

I'm beginning to think
he's a real quack.

A real quack.

[LAUGHING]

[RAPHAEL]
I've never seen
a man-eating shark,

but I have seen
a turtle eating pizza!

Hey, Boss, I thought
the Mona Lisa was supposed
to be smiling...

not laughing.

[RAPHAEL]
You know a turtle's
favorite pasta?

Turtlini!

This is so frustrating.

We can hear Raphael,
but we don't know where
they've taken him.

Don't sweat, dudette.
We'll find him.

It's a lucky thing
I installed a sound wave
modifier in the Turtle van.

Without it, we'd all
be helpless with laughter
by now.

From Raphael's jokes?
Gimme a break!
They're not that funny.

I agree, but someone
is magnifying their
laughability factor.

That club owner mentioned
a Pinky McFingers.

All we have to do
is find him.

Lots of luck, Leonardo.
The police have been looking
for his hideout for years.

[PHONE RINGING]
Uh-oh, it's my boss.

Hi, Chief.

April, we go on the air
in five minutes.

Where's that botanical
gardens footage?

I'm afraid I didn't
get any, Mr. Thompson.

I've been following
an even bigger story.

You what?
You deliberately
disobeyed my orders?

[RAPHAEL]
Some people think
turtles are poisonous.

I bite my nails
all the time,
and I'm fine.

Why I ought to-- to...
[CHUCKLES]

assign you to writing...
[LAUGHS]

cue cards for the weather man!
[LAUGHING]

Gosh, Chief, uh,
I'm glad you're
taking it so well.

Hold everything, g*ng.
I think I'm on to something.
[BEEPING]

Well, like what, dude?

Well, I matched
an old voice print
of Raphael's

to this tracking device,

and I'm getting a reading.

[BEEPING]
[APRIL]
Look, there he is!

Hang tight,
little green bud!

We're on our way!

Hey, everybody!
It worked!

My gagamagnifier
is a success!

It sure is, Professor.

Hey, Boss, what do we do
with these priceless
masterpieces?

Toss them in the corner
where they won't get damaged.

Right, Boss.

Okay, now that you've got
what you've wanted,

how about letting us go?

No way.

Plundering the city
was just small-time,
local stuff.

Now we're going nationwide.

What are you talking about?

You got 24 hours to come up
with some brand-new jokes.

Tomorrow, we're gonna
knock off the National Mint.

[DONATELLO]
You'll have
to get by us first!

More turtle comedians!

Go home, you guys.
This one's already
got the job.

You guys must have gotten
the real deal on those suits.

We're not comedians,

but we always have
the last laugh!

Take care of
these clowns.

No! Allow me!

It's Baxter Stockman!

The fly dude?
What's buzzin', cousin?

Aw, you shouldn't have
said that, Michelangelo.

It really bugs him.

How many times
must I tell people?

I'm not Baxter!
I'm Barney!

What's... happening?

It's some sort
of paralyzing ray.

Okay, now, take 'em.
[CHUCKLES]

Looks like your pals
are about to get roughed up
by those gorillas.

There's still a chance.

Shecky, your jokes are
the only thing that can
save us now.

Uh-oh we're
in big trouble.

My jokes? Save us?

Trust me.
Just go into your act.

Yeah, yeah. My brother
broke his arm in two places.

If I were him,
I'd stay out of those places.

Know why the ocean roars?
You'd roar, too, if you
had lobsters in your bed.

Speaking of fish,
aren't sardines stupid?

They lock themselves
in the can, then they
leave the key outside.

This is the hideout, Sergeant.

It's Pinky McFingers,
all right.

We finally got him.

April! How'd you
ever find this place?

You might say we followed
your laugh track.

[RAPHAEL]
Okay, guys, you have to listen
to the new routine I just wrote.

I open with this
really dynamite joke.

You know what's green
then yellow then green
then yellow?

A yellow-bellied turtle
rolling down a hill!

[TURTLES PROTESTING]

Watch it, guys.

I can buy Stockman's
gagamagnifier real cheap.

You do, and we'll buy
the House of Ha-Ha's trapdoor.

[TURTLES LAUGHING]