02x02 - Cyrano, Cyrano

[bunniefuu]

[EVE LAUGHS]

- [OLIVIA LAUGHS]
- EVE: Okay.

And who was that?

That was my date for Valentine's Day.

- [GASPS]
- [LAUGHS]

Two hours ago, you were whinging
about not having a date.

Oh, God, did you hire that woman?

No.

No, I met her at the grocery store.

We both reached for whatever
thing she was reaching for,

and now we are having dinner
together tomorrow night

at a fancy French restaurant.

- Ooh la la.
- No, Ooh La La was booked.

I took the liberty of making a
dinner reservation at Les Charles

one month ago in hopes
that Cupid's arrow might strike.

And lo, it has.

ALAN: Eh, seems like a lot of effort.

OLIVIA: Of course it seems
like a lot of effort to you.

Your final last semester
was to make your students

clean out your garage.

No, that's what it looked like.

Actually, in reality,
it was an experiment.

I was testing to see whether the...

something... uh, psychology.

You know, Alan,
I think Olivia sounds like

she may be reaching
her breaking point with you.

Oh, it's taken her long enough,
I've been terrible.

- Hey, Olivia.
- Oh, hi.

- Hi, Bernard.
- Hey, uh,

so I-I know we've only been
on a few dates,

and we're keeping it quiet,

but Valentine's Day
is tomorrow, so maybe...

Yeah, "maybe" sounds good.

So, Eve, any plans for Valentine's Day?

No, I picked up a shift.

Uh, Freddy? You got any plans?

Anything romantic on the, on the burner?

Ah, you know me.

Tomorrow night,
when the moon reaches its peak,

I'm headed up to a rooftop

- with a special someone.
- Oh, yeah, who?

Uh, it's Tiny. We're gonna
throw an old dishwasher off,

- see what happens.
- FRASIER: Ugh. What a travesty.

Doesn't anyone make
an effort for love anymore?

Fear not, Uncle. I'm keeping
the flame of love alive.

I just received a Valentine's
Day card from a secret admirer.

Could be from anyone, maybe even
someone in this very bar...

- It was Daphne.
- Definitely your mom.

Where is everyone's love of love?

Stop being cynical,
stop being complacent.

Challenge yourself
to go after love today.

I would love to see that.

Thank you, Alan.

An old dishwasher hitting
the sidewalk and exploding.

Hey, Dr. Crane?

I heard what you said
about love over there.

I was wondering,
can I bug you for some help?

I-I'm seeing someone, and I'm worried

that she doesn't think
we have enough in common.

Well, of-of course,
I'm always glad to help.

Um, tell me about her.

Well, she's a lot smarter than me.

Oh, real needle in a...

stack of needles there.

Uh, tell me more.

Well, I'd like to see her tomorrow,

but I don't know what to say to her.

Why not try saying it with flowers, hmm?

No woman can resist
a beautiful bouquet showing up

at work on their desk.

Or their dashboard.

Or kiosk.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

- Olivia?
- Hmm?

Um, listen, I need my book
of Robert Burns poetry back.

I have a date this evening,

and I don't want to leave
anything up to chance.

Absolutely, and thanks, by the way.

- It's so good...
- Yes, isn't it?

...for k*lling spiders.

Oh.

Oh.

What a lovely bouquet of flowers.

You seeing someone?

Uh, sort of. He's very sweet.

Oh, I love that. I knew there was hope

- for Cupid after all.
- Mm-hmm.

What are you doing here?

Don't you have a class?

No. Also, this is my office.

What are you doing here?

What? Uh...

Sorry, earplugs already in.

I'll, um, I'll just go and find
somewhere else to, uh, work.

[SIGHS]

Are you all right? You seem troubled.

I-I should be discreet.

I think I need to part ways
with someone.

Today proves I can't,
I can't avoid it any longer.

Really, really? And this person
is... it-it's someone I know?

Oh, please don't ask.

- It'll put you in a difficult position.
- I see.

And somehow they've fallen
short of your expectation?

I-I don't know if the fire's there.

Um, do either of you know
how to hang a hammock?

Useless.

Yeah, not much fire there.

I'm sure you've been through this.

What would you do?

Well, if you really intend to part ways

with this person... [GRUNTS]

...he at least deserves
to tell his side,

to fight for himself.

First thing you should do is
tell him that you need to talk.

Okay, yeah, I'll text him right now.

And please remember, be sensitive.

It's like a relationship.

It is a relationship.

That's very perceptive of you.

- Alan?
- Hmm?

I've just come from
a discussion with Olivia.

Nothing's decided yet, but...

I think she's on the verge
of letting you go.

But teaching's everything to me.

I'm looking for Dr. Cornwall.

Wrong building.

Can she even do this? You have tenure.

Well, it looks like "dereliction
of professorial duties"

is cause for breaking tenure.

As is... oh, wow.

You've done all of these.

Oh, this is difficult.

I haven't had a career setback
like this since... mm.

What's he referring to?

Back in the '80s,

Alan spent several years working
on a, a model to disprove

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's
five stages of grieving.

It was to be my magnum opus,
but I was sabotaged

by the deep pockets
of the self-help industry.

Ah. Big Grief.

They k*lled my project.

At first, I couldn't even accept
what had happened.

And then I was engulfed in anger.

Soon after,
I started negotiating some way

to try and save my work.

That was followed
by a crippling sadness.

Eventually, I came to accept
that her model had won

despite there being
zero evidence to its validity.

Don't worry about a thing.

If Olivia pulls the trigger,
we will fight it.

Or...

is this the change I need?

Leaving here would allow me to focus

on some long-forgotten passions.

Writing, research.

Maybe I'll even try some teaching.

Not doing those things
is why she's firing you.

Uh, you can also lose tenure

for "selling property to the Irish"?

When was this written?

Well, now, I'd better prepare

for what could be my final lecture.

No.

Tomorrow starts today.

No matter what happens,
I am here for you.

Anytime, at the ready, on February 15th.

No, just go.

I can't believe this.

The other server just bailed on me

right before we were about to open.

[SIGHS] I'll never be able
to handle tonight's crowd alone.

Hmm, well, you know what?
I got some time.

- I can give you a hand.
- Really?

- What about your plans?
- Eve,

there are things more important
than throwing a dishwasher

off a roof.

Plus you have to wait
till it's dark, so...

Oh, thank goodness you two are here.

Listen, I'm having a little trouble

choosing which cologne
to wear this evening on my date.

Um, I thought maybe, um...

You must know that
I'm not going to smell you.

- [PHONE CHIMES]
- Oh...

Oh.

Carol has to cancel.

She's having trouble with her boiler.

- Oof.
- Oof. Sorry, Dad.

"Oof"?

What the hell? We-We'll just reschedule.

FREDDY: Dad. [SCOFFS]

Carol's canceling?

On Valentine's?

At the last minute?

At Les Charles?

Because of her boiler?

Kind of running out of room
in that upper register,

aren't you, there, sport?

She's blowing you off, Dad.

EVE: Hate to say it, but Freddy's right.

This is her Aunt Sadie.

And who is Aunt Sadie?

Well, whenever I had a bad date,

Aunt Sadie was my made-up relative

who'd have an emergency
so I could leave.

Like when I dated the juggler,

Aunt Sadie fell off a boat.

Or when I was dating the DJ,

Aunt Sadie was digging a piece of waffle

out of her toaster with a fork
when she got hit by a car.

She's just making up a little white lie

so you don't feel rejected.

FREDDY: Yeah, which is cruel.

I-I mean, I think.

'Cause, uh, just giving my dad

false hope like that just makes him look

- more pathetic.
- I think pathetic's a bit strong.

So, what is she supposed to do,
say "I'm canceling the date

because I'm not attracted to you"?

Why does that have to be the reason?

This lets him slowly accept

that it's never gonna happen.

Mm-hmm, okay, yeah, that makes sense.

So...

...I've been stood up
on Valentine's Day.

[SIGHS] We were having

such fun at the grocery store.
What could have happened?

It could have been anything.

I once dumped a guy
for ordering a salad.

Yeah, I once dumped a girl
'cause her name was Liz.

Is that what dating is today?

You're j-just giving up on love
because of the slightest hiccup?

Oh, yeah. I once
dumped a guy for hiccups.

This is why there's
an epidemic of loneliness.

People just waiting around
to be struck by love.

They don't realize it just
takes a little bit of work.

Disagree.

It's either easy
or it's not meant to be.

Oh, Moose. [CHUCKLES]

I'm really in the mood
for some good news.

How did it go with the flowers?

Not good, Doc.

Look at this.

"We have to talk"?

What is wrong

with people? And on Valentine's Day,

this most sacred
of manufactured holidays.

- So, what should I do?
- Well, I...

You know what?
It's too late for me tonight,

but why don't you take
my reservation at Les Charles?

- You sure?
- Yes, of course...

She's going to love it.

You invite her to dinner, and, uh,

text her now and be romantic.

Okay, all right.

How's this look, Doc?

You just said, "Dinner,"
with a question mark.

And that third "N"
isn't doing you any favors.

[SIGHS]

Mind if I take a crack at this?

All right, fine. Let's see, um...

"I lament..."

[CHUCKLES]

"...that Cupid's arrow

has not pierced you."

- [CHUCKLES]
- "But I have a reservation tonight

"at Les Charles.

"Shall we give our...

"cherubic friend

"one more

shot?"

[LAUGHS] Holy crap,

- you sound like a book.
- [LAUGHS]

Send.

All right.

Now we just wait and see, huh?

[PHONE RINGS]

Oh, sorry. [CLEARS THROAT]

Yes, hello?

Frasier, you know that thing
you helped me with earlier?

Well, it's escalated.

Can you please come by and help me?

Yes, of course.
I'll be right there. But, uh,

don't talk to Alan until I get there.

Why would I talk...?

I'm sorry, Moose, I've got to go.

Uh, there's been a little
emergency with a friend at work.

Whoa, what if she texts back?

I can't write like you can.

I'll be back in 15 minutes.

Well, take my phone, just in case.

Well...

all right, sure.

Uh, what-what's your passcode?

It's my birthday.

November 11th.

So... one, one,

one, one?

You want me to write it down for you?

No, no, I've got it, thank you.

Trust me, Moose,

someone is going to triumph

on this Valentine's Day. [LAUGHS]

Frasier, he texted back.

He wants to prove his case
over dinner tonight.

Over dinner? On Valentine's Day?

I know. It's serious.

And my brain is screaming at me

to end it, but...

but sometimes he can be really charming.

Oh, this is ridiculous.
You have to talk to him right now.

Okay. Um...

- [PHONE BEEPS]
- "Can I call you?" Send.

[PHONE WHOOSHES]

- [PHONE CHIMES]
- [OLIVIA SIGHS]

[EXHALES]

Uh, this text he sent you...

...what was so charming about it?

It referenced Cupid's arrow.

God, it was poetic and original.

Hmm. Yes, it was.

I mean, sounds like it was.

I mean, most of the time,
we don't connect,

but sometimes

I sense a, a deeper side.

Hmm. Well, perhaps
he's just overwhelmed by you

and doesn't really know how
to find the right words to say.

- [SIGHS]
- Has he texted you back?

No, not...

- [PHONE CHIMES]
- Oh, okay.

"To hear your beautiful voice

would silence mine."

That is so sweet.

And it directly addresses
what we were just talking about.

Sounds like fate to me.

But a fancy dinner?

I'm just gonna tell him
that my mom had an emergency.

No, no. People have
got to stop doing that,

saying no to love
before it's even begun.

You've got to give it another chance.

When would dinner be?

I'll ask.

- [PHONE BEEPS]
- "When..."

[TAKES DEEP BREATH]

"...would dinner be?"

[PHONE WHOOSHES]

- [PHONE CHIMES]
- Oh, wow.

He answered almost before I hit send.

But he didn't.

That's a very important distinction.

"Jazz piano starts at 7:00.

"'If music be the food of love,

play on.'"

As You Like It.

Mm, Twelfth Night.

Is it slightly misquoted?

[CHUCKLES] No.

[LAUGHS]

I really love
that he's making an effort,

but now I feel like I can't keep up.

I-I-I cannot think
of anything clever to say.

Frasier...

...would you be my Cyrano?

Your Cyrano?

Sure.

Let's see if I can get inside
this texter's mind.

[PHONE BEEPS]

"I confess you surprise me,

"in the figure of a lion,

the feats of a lamb."

- [PHONE BEEPS]
- You see, uh,

answering Twelfth Night
with Much Ado About Nothing.

- I love it. I love it!
- [PHONE WHOOSHES]

Ooh, I wonder how he's going to respond.

Well...

we'll just have to wait to find out

if he's not out of Shakespeare.

Hmm?

Oh, my, this is an interesting print.

[PHONE CHIMES]

Oh, here.

Not that phone!

"Halloo your name
to the reverberate hills,

"and make the babbling gossip of the air

cry out 'Olivia.'"

[LAUGHS] Isn't that something, huh?

A Shakespeare text with your name in it.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Maybe it's worth
giving him another chance.

Okay, I'll say yes to dinner.

Wonderful.

Oh, and, Olivia, I meant to ask,

um, how do you feel about Alan

these days?

Same as always?

Same as always.

ALAN: I am here to teach.

You...

are here to learn.

Hmm?

And yet

this hallowed institution...

...is a prison.

It's keeping you and you and you

walled off from two infinites.

The infinite of what's out there

and the infinite

of what's in here.

Break off your shackles.

I implore you.

Of course, this gift of clarity

was given to me

cloaked in the ornaments of misfortune.

Oh, no. Are you dying?

Nay.

I'm living.

Alan, good news.

I was wrong about Olivia.

You're not getting canned.

Congratulations.

What?

Uh, okay, experiment time.

Half of you are prisoners,
half of you are guards,

and I'll see you in four days.

Ah, Moose.

FREDDY: Howdy, Slim.

What's your poison?

All right, what the hell's happening?

- Freddy's helping me out tonight.
- Yeah.

He's also trying out
different bartending personas.

[IRISH ACCENT]: Right you are.

Care for a drop of the hard stuff

to wet your whistle there, laddie?

So far, none have worked.

Well, I'm glad to see
that summer at theater camp

came in handy, son.

Moose. Moose, good news.

Your date accepted.
She will be joining you

for dinner, and she was very
impressed with your texts.

That's awesome.

I can't keep this up, though.

Do you think you could come to dinner

and just be nearby
in case I need some help?

[SIGHS]

Might get a little complicated.

You're right, it's too much.
I'll just cancel.

No, no, no.

No, you cannot give up on love

just because it requires
a little bit of effort.

I will not allow it.

Love will triumph this evening, hmm?

- All right. Thanks, Doc.
- Great.

I got to warn you, though, my date,

it's with Olivia.

Olivia?

Be still.

[MOOSE CHUCKLES]

All right, last call!

- Huh?
- What?

It's 4:30.
You have to stop yelling that.

- Oh. Hey there.
- Hello.

- Waiting on a date?
- Uh, no.

Sadly, my date canceled.

I'm actually here for support
for a couple of friends

who are hoping to find a connection.

Oh, wow, that sounds like a nightmare.

Sweet, I know. Oh.

Well... Or-or sweet.

[BOTH LAUGH]

No, you know, sometimes I think love,

in the early stages,
needs a, a little push.

Hmm. Does it, though?

I mean, in my experience,
either the connection is there

or it isn't, you know?

Uh, if it ain't easy, it ain't worth it.

And why is that the prevailing
wisdom about love these days?

I mean, honestly, I, I think
love is worth the effort.

I guess I'm just determined
to keep fighting for love.

- Mm.
- I'm a bit of a Rodolfo.

- Yeah.
- La Bohème.

Well, let's just hope you find a Mimi

with a better immune system.

[CHUCKLES]

You like opera?

I sure don't.

But I worked the bar at the opera,

and sometimes that stuff just

jimmies and burrows its way in.
You know?

I'm Frasier Crane.

I know. I've seen your show. I'm Holly.

- Holly. Yes, I've seen your name tag.
- Yeah.

- Eyes up here, pal.
- Yes, okay, sorry.

I'm just kidding. I'm kidding.

You know, if-if you're not tending bar

at Don Giovanni next week,
maybe...

I-I'm sorry,
I'm seeing someone right now.

Oh. Too bad.

Yeah.

- Now you've got me rooting against love.
- Oh...

OLIVIA: Frasier.

[SIGHS DEEPLY]
I was hoping that I would find

you and your date here.

Uh, she canceled.

Amazing! For me, not for you. Sorry.

I'm still worried that
this is a bad idea.

No, no, no, no, give it a chance.

I mean, look for ways
that you do connect.

Um, you know, try talking
about something

that doesn't usually interest you.

Okay.

I'll try, I'll try.

Uh, but can you, can you please stay?

Please. I don't think I can
do this without you. Please.

Well, all right, sure, sure.

Why not? I'd be glad to.

Okay, thank you, thank you so much.

I should probably also come clean about

who my date is, 'cause you're
about to find out it's...

it's Moose.

Moose?

Be still.

I'll just make myself scarce.

- So, is that the friend you're helping?
- Yes.

Actually, I... I'm helping both of them.

But they don't know that.

You know what, I should be able
to pull this off anyway.

- I have complete faith in you.
- [CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS]

So, I-I loved all of those
Shakespeare quotes.

What are some of your other favorites?

Hmm, what are some of my other
favorite Shakespeare quotes?

Hmm.

"Doubt the stars are fire,

"Doubt the sun doth move,

Doubt truth to be a liar,
But never doubt I love."

Love.

[CHUCKLES] I'm so sorry.

You're, you're probably
all Shakespeared out.

What-what do you want to talk about?

You're not into sports, right?

I...

- ...love sports.
- Yeah?

Yeah, I like the Red Sox.

- I like the Red Sox.
- What do you think

of their moves in the bullpen
during the offseason?

Ooh, what do I think?

Quick, tell me about
the Red Sox bullpen.

Um, Casey's trash.

No, no, Orlando's the one
who's k*lling us.

I mean, a plus-five ERA last year

with runners in scoring position.

That guy blew ten saves last year,

all of 'em in the ninth.
I could m*rder him.

Uh, Casey, Orlando, uh,

five scorings...

Uh, baseball?

Casey and Orlando. Am I right?

[LAUGHS] You're so right.

- They're both terrible.
- Terrible.

Who's your favorite Celtic?

My favorite Celtic?

Who's your favorite Celtic?

- I'm trying to drink here.
- I-I'm sorry.

Change the subject, get off of sports,

ask him about himself.

OLIVIA: You know,
it's so hard to choose.

What do you do in your spare time?

Hmm. What do I do in my spare time?

- How the hell should I know?
- How the hell should I know?

No, no, you read, you like art.
Pick something.

I like art.

Oh. Who's your favorite painter?

Oh, my cousin Kevin.

He can do a whole fence
in like two days.

That was a joke. Laugh.

I don't think it was.

- Tell her that was a joke.
- But it wasn't.

- Would you pick a freakin' spot?!
- I'm so sorry.

You know,
a guy comes into a fancy restaurant

all alone on Valentine's Day,
high as a kite,

he expects to have
a nice, quiet evening.

- Dr. Crane?
- Oh...

What are you do...? [LAUGHS]

Um, you should know that Moose and I are

out on a date together.

Well, isn't that something?

Moose and Olivia?

- [LAUGHTER]
- Be still.

You know, I had a feeling
about you two. [LAUGHS]

Yes, and I couldn't be happier for you.

You know what, fumbling through
the early stages of love

can be, be quite challenging sometimes,

but you, you two, hang in there.

- Do it for all of us.
- [PHONE CHIMES]

Um, someone named Carol
can come after all.

Oh, uh, do you think
I could still get a table?

No. Fully booked.

[SIGHS]

Then again, if you're trying
this hard to force love,

is it really worth the effort?

I mean, shouldn't love be easy?

Fantastic 180.

- Thank you. It's not my first backpedal.
- Yeah.

I-I do like you, Moose,

but I-I just...

It was so much pressure to think
of anything to say to you.

Maybe we should be friends?

Yeah.

While we're here, though,
we should get something to eat, right?

Oh, yeah, I hear that
the lobster here is amazing.

No, you know, one thing...

friends should never eat

in a romantic restaurant together.

I mean, it'll destroy the friendship.

- Whoo! Frasier!
- Off you go.

Oh, my God.

Take care, all right?

Yes, lovely, lovely.

Happy... Happy Valentine's Day.

Nobody talks to a queen
that way. Nobody.

- [CRYING]: I am a queen.
- Yeah.

Thank you.

You're welcome.
All right, have a good night.

Well, it's official,
I am a great bartender.

All of these were wrong.

But it was still a lot of fun
working with you tonight.

It didn't feel like work. It was easy.

ALAN: Freddy?

- Yeah?
- Do you work here now?

Oh, no, I'm just doing
a little favor for Eve.

Uh, sorry, no, my fault.

I don't actually care.

I'm just so sorry
that I almost canceled.

Oh, please.

It's a minor speed bump.

Only a fool would pass up
the potential for love

at the first sign of trouble.

You have to put in the effort.

That's right. [CHUCKLES]

So tell me, do you have any kids?

I have a son, Frederick.

Very proud of the man he's become.

What about you? Any kids?

Mm, eight.

- Wow. Eight kids.
- Yep.

They're my babies.

- Oh.
- [SIGHS]

Aw. [GIGGLES]

These are pictures of snakes.

Morty's my oldest.

- Oh, such a teenager.
- Mm-hmm.

I still remember his first shedding.

- It was autumn.
- Oh, gosh.

- A chill rolling in from the east.
- Oh, that's my Aunt Sadie.

I'm so sorry...

She's stabbed herself with
her father's seppuku knife.

Hmm. Madame Butterfly.

Nice.

Uh, I'm so sorry about this.

I really do have to go and help her.

Uh, it was, it was nice meeting you.

Happy Valentine's Day.

["TOSSED SALADS
AND SCRAMBLED EGGS" PLAYING]

FRASIER:
Y'all know how this goes.

♪ Hey, baby,
I hear the blues a-callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ And maybe I seem
a bit confused ♪

Yeah, maybe.
But I got you pegged.

[CHUCKLES]

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Life's callin' again. ♪

Happy Valentine's Day, everybody!