01x04 - Episode Quatre

[bunniefuu]

[Gad] Okay.

[mumbles in French]

- Hey! Bonjour.
- Jerry, this is Gad. He's opening for you.

- Hi. Nice to meet you.
- Very nice to meet you.

I'm so honored. Wow. It's like, you know

- I'm a big fan.
- Oh, thank you.

- Thank you for this opportunity.
- Sure.

And welcome to Paris.

Oui, monsieur.

- Oh, merci. Merci beaucoup.
- Oui.

They actually call him
the Seinfeld of France.

Yeah.

Jerry, how much time can I do
before your show?

- Whatever. Whatever you want.
- Really?

- What is he?
- He's Gad.

- Yeah.
- They call him the Seinfeld of France.

Who does?

Everyone does here in France.
The press, the fans. They all...

Oh...

- I don't understand.
- No, it's good. It's good.

It's just... It's... They see me...

- as you.
- If you're me, who am I?

Well, you're still you.

But you're also me.

Of France.

But we're in France.

So, I don't... So, it's me and then me
on the show?

No. It's me and then you.
But I'm still me and you're still you.

- It's...
- Right. If I wasn't here

you would be me?

Well, to them.

Yeah, who did this?

- I can find out.
- Yeah.

Can you change that?

Could you be somebody else
"of France"?

- Okay, I...
- Okay?

I don't know how I could...

- You could.
- Yeah, maybe.

- Yeah, I mean.
- He'll help you.

I don't know how...

And keep it to ten.

- Ten minutes?
- Tight.

Merci.

episode four

[Mexican theme plays]

- You found this where?
- In our bathroom trash.

That is so f*cking weird, right?

I mean...

Who would've been in our bathroom trash?

I can still see the adhesive
on your lip, Jason.

You're acting again, aren't you?

- What?
- Jason.

I...

Okay, I couldn't help it.
It was for Marco, babe.

It was for Marco.

- You got an audition for Me Llamo Marco?
- Yes, I got a f*cking...

- How? You don't have an agent.
- Yes. Yeah? Well, guess what.

Guess what. Ryan Lasky,
SVP of casting from Fox

- called me direct.
- Okay.

- Check it out, recent call log
- All right.

- Fine.
- Fox Studios right there.

And guess what, I f*cking nailed it.

Oh, like you f*cking nailed Dexter?

Or was it more like
how you f*cking nailed Franklin & Bash?

Wow.

Wow.

- What?
- You know, I could really...

Use a little of you believing in me
right now.

Okay.

Well, you know, it's just that you said

that you were done
with all of this nonsense.

- Look, this is f*cking Marco.
- [Luke] He said a lot of things

and now his fat mouth
cost me Sunglass Hut.

What?

Yeah, he forgot to email Gad
the hair instructions.

And I had paste in
and Chaz refused to work on me.

- Are you kidding me?
- Okay, in my defense

That was Marco.
That was a Marco f*ck up.

Please tell me that this is not
because Marco died in the 90s.

He didn't know what email was.
Exactly.

Did you even pay
the deposit for my surgery?

Did Marco f*ck that up also?

Oh, come on, Jason.

You promised him.

See, this is why you can't handle acting.

You go too far with it.

There is no such thing as going too far!

Come on.

Let's go.

Let's get out of here.

[Brian] Did you check
your junk folder, here?

[Gad] I checked all the folders.

I never got this email.

Sadly, Luke thinks you did
and that's all that matters.

Right? Perception is truth.

La perception, c'est la vérité.

What does that mean?

No, forget it.

Oh, okay. It's gone.

Oh, I got something
that might cheer you up.

Here.

- "Gary Edwards"?
- Yeah, it's as anonymous as it gets.

Hundreds in LA alone.

So, if you just swipe through
and you heart the ones you like

and you X the ones you don't.

So, you just heart them
and then we go out.

If they heart you back.
That's right.

That way everyone's cards
are on the table.

We don't have another Heather situation.

Oh, it's a situation, now?

- Yeah, we've taken it up to...
- It went from an incident to a situation.

Yeah.

Yeah, you know, Gad.

As good as he is,
I don't think now is the best time.

What I'm saying is dicks are different
all over the world

no matter where you're going, right?

Like this guy right here.
Where you from?

- Miami!
- Miami. Okay, always sweaty.

Just gross as sh*t.

Swamp d*ck.
Do you know what I mean?

- What about you?
- Germany.

Germany? You're not from Germany.
Get out of here.

Okay, always hard.

Rock hard.

Do you know what I mean?

Chris?

- Hey.
- C'est Gad.

- I'm a comedian, too.
- Okay.

I'm from France.

Okay, cool.

I was here the other night. Remember
when you did the d*ck joke about me?

- I have a lot of d*ck jokes, bro.
- Yes, about that.

- That's what I...
- That's the whole point, though, right?

You're making a commentary
on d*ck jokes.

- Exactly, he gets it.
- Yeah, but I don't get it.

Yeah, I don't know. It's subtle.

You know. I'm not trying to cram it
down people's throats

and make them gag on it.

I also don't do that with my comedy.

[laughing]
Yeah.

A d*ck joke within a bigger d*ck joke.

What's the bigger d*ck joke?

I really think you're overthinking
the ba*ls off of this whole thing.

I mean, they got to laugh.
Who cares. What...

Who the f*ck are you again?

Oh, he's the Seinfeld of France.

- He used to be.
- Okay.

Well, maybe if you were
the Seinfeld of here,

my d*ck might be hard right now.

But, you're not. So...

it's not.

Wow,

Power exit.

Cigarette flick. Door.

Gone.

The Seinfeld of here

would make his d*ck hard.

Gad. Don't go where I think you're going.

Brian, I need you to call Seinfeld.

That's not a call, Gad.

- That's called a cold call.
- Yes, but... no, he knows me.

I opened for him in Paris.

Wait. So, the Seinfeld of France

- opened for Seinfeld in France?
- Yes.

And that's what caused
a lot of the problems.

So, you want me to call Jerry Seinfeld
and ask him to tell Chris D'Elia

that his d*ck jokes are...

What are we asking him to do?

Brian, just have him call me back.
That's it. Okay?

Look, Gad. I know this really sucks.

I mean, D'Elia doesn't respect you at all

and you don't get his d*ck hard
and Jerry Seinfeld does.

But I think we got to let this one go.

No. You call him.
Because if you fix this,

you gonna make my d*ck hard
and that is your job.

Okay.

[Jason] And I know...

I know I f*cked up
and I'm sorry for that.

But I honestly think
when the dust settles,

we're all going to think
it was worth it.

I mean, I'm going to hear from them
any minute.

Lukey.

I mean, the guard at the gate,
he thought I was Marco.

How'd he let you in?
Didn't he need to see an ID?

- What?
- Yes, wasn't the drive-on under your name?

[nervous laugh]

You guys are focusing...
I mean, does it matter?

Was Marco driving your truck?

- No, Marco doesn't drive.
- Marco doesn't drive.

Plus those studios are so strict.

You can't just like...

- Okay, guys. Stop.
- He thought you were Marco?

Don't poke holes in everything.

The holes are being poked, J,
because it doesn't make sense!

Okay? It's f*cking pathetic.

[sighs]

You need to pull
your sh*t together, Jason.

I mean, we're trying to have a baby,
for God's sake.

- I know. I'm right there with you.
- Are you?

Yes, it's all I'm thinking about.

Okay.

Well... prove it.

Take a shower, brush your teeth,
meet me upstairs in five.

So, I left a message with Jerry.

Now? It's late, no?

Yeah, but he could be anywhere
in the world.

He's Jerry Seinfeld.

That's him.

- Hello. Bonjour. C'est Gad.
- Sir, do not lunge at me.

- Lunge? I don't lunge.
- This is what I mean, no boundaries.

- What?
- Let me see your ID, please.

- Okay, but...
- I got it here.

Here.

Do you have anything from this country?

No, because I am...

- Here illegally?
- No. Let me explain.

- Hey! What are you doing?
- What?

- Spread your legs!
- Sir, okay.

I was going for my phone
to show you the clip of Gad.

I'm calling my dad.

You're out, Kurihara.

You're out of the Tropicanyon.

[Jason and Vivian grunting]

- Are we close?
- Oh, yeah. Any second.

f*ck. Come on. Man.

Did you go soft again?

Do you want to just do it yourself
and then put it in at the last second?

[Viv] Are you checking
your phone right now?

What? No!

No.

[phone vibrates]

Jason Alan Ro...

Jason Alan Ross.

It's mine, dummy.

Hello.

Brian?

[Jason] Ryan? Ryan Lasky?

- Is that Ryan Lasky?
- Who?

The SVP of casting at Fox.

Why would he be calling me?

For me! What are you thinking?

What's up?

Is that WiFi or 5G?

Oh my God.

No, yeah. Okay, I'm on my way.

- Give me just a couple of minutes. Okay?
- It was WiFi, wasn't it?

Is it possible I got kicked off the...

You're stalking your neighbor?

No.

I'm not stalking. I...

It's a misunderstanding.

Well, you're lucky
they're gonna let you go.

Really?

On condition that you stay with me

and that you don't come
within 500 feet of that woman.

Is Luca gonna be okay with that?
He hates me.

Yeah. Well, he hates Jason more right now.

- What?
- For f*cking up the Sunglass Hut sh**t.

Right.

He forgot to send you the email.

Yeah!

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

As if...

He had one thing to do.

He had one job.

One job to send an email and he...

- he f*cked it up big time.
- I know.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

It's really...

Thank you.

You're welcome.

I'll meet you there.

Okay.

Yeah. I'm not even going to ask.

This was your apartment?

Yeah.

The place I got for you fell through
last second.

So, I didn't wanna tell you
on the first day

and I improvised.

Why?

I figured you'd hate it.

Maybe stay a night, max.

And where have you been living?

Right here.

The old beast.

Brian.

Okay. You know what?

Let's go to Vivian's.

You're gonna stay there.
It's gonna be much nicer and comfortable.

Okay?

Seriously?

Thank you, Gad.

You're a generous soul.

Let's go.

[Gad] It's better, right?

[Brian] Oh, yeah. Wow.

Definitely. Oh my God.

Plenty of space.

Yeah, it looks like it.

Anywhere, anywhere on the driveway.

Just, you know...

- Oh!
- ...make yourself comfortable.

- Oh, yeah. Out here.
- It's very wide.

Yeah.

- Okay?
- Cool. Yeah.

Thank you. This is much better.

Yeah. Goodnight.

Yeah. Goodnight!

Hey, do you need something? Water?

Oh, you know, there's a hose
over there, so...

You don't need a pillow, maybe?

No, I got some clothes I can bundle up
and I can lay on.

- Yeah, you're... Okay.
- Yeah.

- Yeah. Thank you.
- Bye bye.

Okay.

Oh, sorry. How stupid of me!

No.

When you're settled, please.

Luggage? Inside.

- Okay?
- Oh, yeah. Of course.

- Thank you, baba.
- Oh, you're welcome.

Baba.

Okay, so this is just for tonight.

All right.

God, you're lucky you didn't get deported.

Thank you, again. Really.

Yeah. And look, I have a retreat

starting here tomorrow,
so you need to be gone first thing.

No problem.

I'll be gone. I don't want to be...
you know

part of your "EXhale" retreat.

Good.

[Luke] Mom!

Where's that dumb f*ck?

[whispers]
Oh! sh*t, it's me?

No. Jason.

What's he doing here?

He got kicked out of his place
for harassing his neighbor.

No. Not harassing, please.
They said stalking,

and it was a misunderstanding.

Whoa. Whatever. This is so f*cked.
Who's taking me to the gym?

I just ate five chicken breasts.
This protein's going nowhere.

Well, Jason's not here and I'm about
to start a live Facebook Q&A.

Oh my God.

Well, I can take you. I can take him.

It's not just taking me.

It's spotting me.

It's recording my reps and sets.

You have to cross-reference those numbers
with last night's.

It's not that easy.

It's really not.
Jason has this whole spreadsheet.

I can do it.

You're gonna make dumb jokes
all the time?

I told you.

I don't do this anymore.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Cinq.

How many was that?

Trois... quat...

It's three of the sets.

And 12 of the reps.

That's right.

So, I heard...

it was Jason who forgot to send the email.

Mom told you that?

Look, I don't know what's going on
with that dude.

His brain is all freaking scrambled
and now I'm never getting the surgery.

Are you still doing this?
Even if we talked about it and everything.

Yeah, I know. It's what's underneath
the pecs that counts.

Okay? You can just save your breath.
It's not happening anymore.

It doesn't matter.

Why it doesn't happen?

- What happened?
- I guess Jason doesn't have the money.

Which means I can just kiss
New York goodbye

and, in doing so,
kiss the whole thing goodbye.

Jason does have the money.
He was gonna split his half.

Yeah, well his residual check from JAG
never came in.

All right. I don't know.
I don't want to talk about it.

Huh...

So, JAG.
That was a TV series about lawyers

in the Navy.
It starred David James Elliott.

They all have three names like that
all the time?

- Sometimes, yeah.
- Okay.

And a residual check, right?
That's a payment for repeat airings.

Actors get those for the life of the show.

Oh, okay. Well...

at least no more pecs.

He can't afford it.

Wow. This is another huge blunder
for Jason.

I mean, he is on the ropes, boy.

Who? Where?

You don't know what that means,
do you?

- No.
- Oh, yeah. Well...

Okay. It's like he is in a corner, right?

He's getting hit. He's wobbly.

But don't you get it?

You've got the knockout punch.

- I do?
- Yeah. Look, you step in.

Offer to pay for the surgery
and save the day.

Jason's down for the count.

But I don't want him to get the surgery.

We'll cross that bridge
when we come to it.

All we're committing to now
is a deposit to hold the day.

- Yeah. But he still can get it.
- I don't know.

You know? I saw that swelling.

It doesn't go down right away.

- How do you know?
- I just know.

I just know.

You're gonna have at least six weeks
to talk him out of it.

Think about how close you'll get to him.
All the time you'll spend with him.

Connecting with him, gaining his trust.

And then...

talk him out of it?

You went to the gym with him?
And you knew about this?

You were nowhere to be found!

I was running damage control.

I spent four hours on the phone with AT&T
trying to get my signal right.

But you had signal for that?

Outgoing is not the problem, babe.
It's incoming.

Unless the problem was on Fox's end.

Jason! Who gives a f*ck about Fox
or your cell phone?

You're so busy
worrying about all that bullshit,

you couldn't get the money
for my surgery.

I'm getting it!
I still have until tomorrow.

No, you're not!

[Gad] I will pay for the pecs.

What?

Yeah. If that helps him.

No. You're not paying for any pecs.

I thought you said I shouldn't get them.

Well, I realized

that if it's important for you
then... it's important for me.

Gad, it's a very generous offer.
We appreciate it,

- but we're gonna have to decline.
- Yeah, I don't know about this.

But why?
I'm paying for everything else.

He's right.

Luke, sidebar.

What is sidebar?

Shh.

[whispering]
I got this, dawg.

You gotta trust me. I'll have the money
by tomorrow at the latest.

What if you get a call back? Then what?

You're Marco and I'm just hung out to dry?

You know what? You're right.

f*ck the other sh*t and f*ck Marco.

This is what matters. You and me taking
this thing to New York.

Honestly, I don't even want it.

If they call me, I'm gonna pass.
Straight up.

Thank you, Mr. Lasky, but no.
Thank you, sir.

I got a son to raise. Boom.

I'm letting him pay.

What?

[cell phone buzzing]

Pick it up.

- [Viv] Who is it?
- [Jason] The number's not in my phone.

[Luke] Fox Casting?

- Hello.
- Can I speak with Mr. Alan Ross, please?

This is him.

Hey, J. It's Shawn.

Over at NoHo Repro I was the guy in the
doorway watching you jerk off?

Yeah. I know who you are.

- Is it him?
- I'm sorry to have to tell you this,

but... your load came back from the lab,

and sadly, it's not viable.

Was it good or bad?

You're sure about this?

A hundred per cent. Completely infertile.
Yeah.

Okay, that's...

- That's great. Thanks.
- Sorry about the samples going to waste.

- I mean, not a complete waste.
- Yeah. Me too. Okay, bye bye.

So?

Still in the running.

So, that was...

They make those kind of calls?
Like at this time of night?

Yeah.

I'm real happy for you, J.

[Jason] Luke...

Luke.

Luke.

I'm gonna go for a drive.

Well, thank you so much, Gad.

Brian, it worked!

I got the knockout.

- Yeah.
- That's great!

It was genius.
It went just like you said.

I offered the pecs and Jason went down
under the...

- For the count.
- For the count!

- Wow!
- For the counts!

He went down for the counts.

[phone buzzing and beeping]

I don't believe this.

- What?
- Jerry Seinfeld wants to FaceTime.

C'est Gad.

- Give me the phone.
- Okay, here.

Hey, Jerry.

The Ray Romano of France?

How did you know about that?

Your assistant.
How long have you been doing that?

Ever since you said to change it.

You know? Anyway, the reason
why I called you, Jerry...

And people like it?

Yeah.

Listen, Jerry. Do you know
this guy comedian, Chris D'Elia?

He does... d*ck jokes.

I don't know about that.
And Ray's okay with it?

- With the d*ck jokes? I don't know.
- No. You using his name.

Oh, yeah. He loves it. Why?

I don't know. I think I kind of miss it.

I...

I feel like when I'm not in France,
a little of me is still there.

Can we change it back?

But...

- Hold on. Hold on one second.
- Really, hold?

I wouldn't be doing my job, though,
if I didn't tell you, you have leverage.

- What do you mean?
- Okay.

I love D'Elia, you know.

I think his d*ck joke commentary
is the best in the game.

Really. But...

Now, you have him in the corner.

You got one more knockout in you, champ?

Jerry.

I'll change it back,

but I need you to do me a favor.

What?

How far is it? This whole thing
was supposed to be five minutes.

Almost there, Jerry.

Hey, Chris!

[Seinfeld] Oh my God.
This is embarrassing.

Yeah.

You said the Seinfeld of here
would make your d*ck hard.

- That's what you said, right?
- What?

Yeah, it sounds like something
I might say.

Because I have Jerry on on the phone now.

Hey, Jerry. You wanna say hello?

Hey, Chris.

Jerry, what's up? How you doing?

So, shall we ask Jerry his opinion
about your joke?

Yeah.

Sure. Why not? Okay. Yeah... so...

I was in the Comedy Store doing my set,
and I was...

talking about dicks
and I said, you know, I have

a California d*ck which, is you
know, in shape, tan,

on the Atkins diet.

You know, and then I was saying
if you had a New York d*ck,

it would be very...

grimy and aggressive
and it smells like piss.

And I asked... Gad, right?

I asked Gad, I was like,
"Hey, where are you from?"

- Yeah. I said, I'm from France.
- Right.

And then I said,
you know what French dicks are like.

Okay, no.

And then I said, "You!"

That's the punchline, right?
That's the punch.

Right, that was when everyone laughed.

Well, Jerry, what do you think?

Well, Chris. I don't know.

Gad, I can't do it.

It's funny. It is a funny comment.

I like the comment.

- Yeah!
- What?

What about our deal?

I'm sorry.

Thanks, Jer. See you later.

What about Seinfeld of France?

I don't know.
Maybe just leave it as it is.

- Gotta go.
- What?

Hey, can you open the gate?

Really?

The door guy is in there or something.

It's right there, please. Thanks.

Hey.

You okay?

You didn't get it, did you?

I don't know.

Thanks for believing in me, though.

So, you... stormed off and
took a three-hour drive

because you found out
you were still in the running?

Or the weird thing
you were doing for money fell through?

The money stuff.

[Viv] Yeah.

Okay.

Okay. It's okay.

It's okay.

All right? There's much more important
things in life

than pecs and Me Llamo Marco.

- No, I know, it's just...
- Much bigger stuff.

You know.

And speaking of bigger stuff...

We're still in my window.

- Come on.
- No, babe. I'm not in the...

Yes, you are.

You're always... Oh, look!

They just come right off.

And I'll just get these little guys
off of ya.

There. See that?

Right?

Okay.

Come on, baby.

See? Don't you feel better already?

This is good.

See?

[Viv moaning]