07x05 - Hot Couture

[bunniefuu]

Look, everyone,
I know this
heat wave is intense,

but we can't
let it get us down.

So, who wants to join me

on the Great Lawn
for a game of horseshoes?

[ALL GROANING]

Well, thank you
for not throwing
horseshoes, I guess.

Geez, this heat wave

is making
everyone so cranky.

Not to mention sweaty.

In the battle
of antiperspirant

versus hordes
of teenagers,
we all lose.

Well, I'm gonna
go cool off
in the walk-in fridge

next to the boxes
of "I Can't Believe
It's Not Ham."

Wait, if it's not ham,
then what was
in my Denver omelet?

Not ham.

There you
go, Scout.

And there
you go, Jake.

Why, thank you.

Who says
we have to compete
against each other

just because
we're on opposite teams?

BILL AND WINNIE:
Literally everyone!

Come on, Scout,
I wanna win.

But I just wanna
make memories
with my new friends.

I wouldn't even mind
if we stopped
keeping score.

[GASPS] Wow.

You think
you know
someone

and then they say
something like that.

Go for
the goal, Jake.

This is
for the pride
of Coyote Cabin.

And I am proud.

Of my good manners.

Ugh, it's so hot.

Yeah, so why are you
wearing a jacket?

Parker,
people hold me
to a high standard.

I'm the camp's
best dressed counselor.

Sorry, [CHUCKLES]
did someone say,

"Camp's best
dressed counselor?"

Because here I am.
Drink it in.

You really think

you're the camp's
best dressed counselor?

I've been
serving looks
at this place

since before you ate
your first crow s'more.

Yeah, and all those looks

have been
in the same
color palette.

Take a risk, girl.

Uh, you can't seriously think
you're better dressed than me.

I see neither sequins
nor sparkles.

You might as well be
wearing [GAGS] sweatpants

with a [GAGS]
plain white shirt.

Oh, who
even cares
about being

the camp's
best dressed counselor?

It's all
I care about.I do.

What about
the safety
and well-being

of the children
you're in charge of?

[LAUGHS]
Good one, Parker.[LAUGHS]

I couldn't even keep
a straight face as I said it.

ALL: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

I wonder why
Lou wanted us
all to meet here.

I hope it's not
for another

"we have to
start rationing
toilet paper" speech.

Eh, that's why

people invented socks.

Oh.

I see you've changed
into formal wear.

Of course.
It's after breakfast.

I'm not a toddler.

I notice you
changed, too.

Oh, [CHUCKLES] this?

Didn't even
look in the mirror.

Just threw it on
effortlessly like...

An effortless person.

Well, it seems we're
at an impasse.[CHUCKLES]

BOTH: I'm gonna go change.

I'm telling you,
this is not
a good idea.

It's so hot.

Just ask the chickens.

Oh wait, you can't.
They're all roasted!

Parker, relax.
I'm the camp director,

I know what I'm doing.

[WHISTLES]
Ow. [LISPS] My lipth.

[LISPING] The metal
ith too hot.

Parker,
you tell them.

All right,
listen up, everyone.

Against my
better judgment,

Lou has decided that
you'll all be participating
in a camp-wide competition

of "Kiki-gotcha."

[GASPS] Another game?
Jake, I hope you win.

And I hope you win.

And I hope neither of them
are on our team.

All right, the game
will be cabin versus cabin,

everyone gets a belt
with a flag on it,

and the goal
is to take the flags of
all the competing cabins.

Once you lose your flag,
you're out of the game,

and the last person
with a flag on their belt

will win for
their whole cabin,

so who's ready
to steal some flags?

Way to sell it.

You're going to
make us run around
in this heat?

This is not hijinks weather.

Yeah, I can't believe
I'm saying this,

but I'd rather [GAGS]
read quietly.

I think you all
will change your mind

when you find out
what the prize is.

The winning cabin gets

an air conditioning unit.

ALL: [CHANTING]
Lou! Lou! Lou!

Lou, I do not think
you should go through
with this game.

Heat makes people
do crazy things.[CHANTING CONTINUES]

One time
in Canada it got up to


and everyone
stopped saying
"Thank you."

I'm sorry,
I didn't hear
anything you said

once the "Lou" chant
started. [CHUCKLES]

Louder at the back,
I can't hear you.

Me! Me! Me!
Me! Me! Me!Lou! Lou! Lou! Lou! Lou!

We are so gonna
crush this game.

Now, make sure your
flag-belt is on tight, okay?

[CHUCKLES] Look,
it's like I have a tail.

Man, I wish we hadn't
evolved out of these.

Come on, focus
on winning that AC.

You need to be
more competitive.

No more polite,
foosball-playing Scout.

Everyone at camp
is now your enemy.

But I'm finally
making human friends

instead of just animal ones.

And this is what
human friends do.

We try to destroy
each other,

then brag about our victory
for social capital. Got it?

I can tell you want me
to say yes,

and I'm a people pleaser

so let's go destroy
our best friends?

Attagirl! Who says
I'm a bad influence?

Everyone.Rhetorical question.
Let's go.

Okay, why don't you
practice stealing my flag?

I wanna make sure
you're ready for the game.

Oh, I'm ready.
Watch this.

Bill, may I pretty please
have your flag?

Jake, you gotta be tougher.

Oh, sorry.
[CHUCKLES]

Bill, may I pretty please
have your flag?

This is a competition.
Don't say "please."

What? Next you'll say
I can't send

handwritten
thank-you notes
after the game.

Where does it end, Bill?

We need to win that AC.

It's so hot,
I'm considering
wearing shorts

and you know
the only calves

I like showing off
are baby cows.

Sorry, I don't wanna
let you down,

but I'm just
not that competitive.

It's true.

You're only competitive
when you're gaming.

That's it.

Maybe you should
try thinking

about Kiki-gotcha
like a video game.

Okay, I can do that.

I'll go get my
bathroom bucket.
[CHUCKLES]

Oh, Whoa, whoa.
[CHUCKLES]

Let's step out this
analogy a bit more.

I still think
you should listen to me
and cancel the game.

Parker, I would
listen to you more

if you disagreed with me less.
Please, work on that.

Besides, I can't
cancel the game now.

Everyone's too excited
about winning an AC unit.

Are they? Destiny
and Noah look like

they're about
to k*ll each other.

They're just
super into the game.

Right, guys?

Fashion isn't a game, Lou.

Seriously.
We're surrounded by
unkempt trash muffins.

Except for you,
Lady Who Signs My Paychecks.

Okay, everybody,
Kiki-gotcha starts
when I blow my whistle.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]
Ow. [LISPS] I forgot
how hot thith ith.

[LISPING] Just thart playing.
Parker, get me thome ithe.

Hey, you,
give me your flag.

No, give me your flag.
And then tell us whose
outfit you like the best.

[LAUGHS]
Come on, Scout.

Show no mercy!
In the name of friendship.

Still friends?

Wait, I'm so sorry,

I'm new
to human interaction!

Jake? What
happened to treating

this competition
like a video game?

That's what I'm doing.

I just can't figure out
how to hit pause.

Not so fast.

I can stand here all day.

As can I.

Hey, I guess
I did figure out
how to hit pause.

Well, Weber,
it looks like

there's only one way
for this to end.

Both of us done for.

It's been an honor
competing against
you, Pickett.

See you
on the other side...
of the lake.

It's where
all the losers

are meeting up
until the game is over.

One... Two...

Stop!
You guys are friends,

you can't turn on
each other like this.

Well, if I can't win,

I'm not letting
Bill win either.

What if
we could all win?

What if our cabins
formed an alliance

to take out
the rest of the camp?

BOTH: Tell us more.

Bill, you said I should
think of this competition
like a video game.

And in gaming,
the bigger the squad

the better the chance
of winning.

Our cabins
could share the prize.

I'll let go
if she does.

Fine.

Yay, alliance.

What should
we call ourselves?

The Coyotangs!The Bill-Jake-Noah-Winnie-
Scout-Destiny Team.

Uh, yeah,
what she said.

This is actually
a great idea, Jake.

Together,
the six of us
can't be stopped.

Wait, where are
Destiny and Noah?

Okay, the four of us
can't be stopped.

Let's go.

Hurry up, Parker.
I need your help

carrying this AC unit
back to the Great Lawn.

I hate this metal shop.

It's always infested
with spiders.

I don't see
any today though.

Now you know
what's in the "Not Ham."

Really? Spiders?
Why can't we just eat good,

old-fashioned
peanut butter and jelly?

Actually,
the jelly is...I don't wanna know!

Hang on,
where's the AC unit?

I know I stored it in here.

Well, that family of raccoons

did steal our
antique butter churner.

So, maybe
they took our AC too?

[GASPS] They're
getting stronger.

We need to keep an eye
on our smaller campers.

Now you have to
cancel the game.

The whole camp
is turning on each other
for a non-existent prize.

Or we can just build
a new air conditioner.

I'm sure we have all
the parts right here.

Fine. You start building,

I'll be on the lookout
for any super-jacked raccoons.

You see one you're gonna hide
behind a rock, aren't you?

Or a small camper.

[SIGHS] The game's
getting intense.

How are you two
doin' out there?

Well enough to turn
my victories into a necklace.

Bloodlust
is a girl's best friend.

Cool. My best friend
is Bill.

I'm k*lling it too.
How many flags
did you get, Jake?

None. But I plan
to send some

strongly-worded
emails this afternoon.

Here, to help you get
in the competitive spirit,

Winnie offered
to make you something.

Ooh, is it
a pumpkin pie?

Why would it
be pumpkin pie?

We don't even
have real ham here.

Done. These are Weber-original
augmented reality goggles.

They'll make the world
look like a video game
called The Eliminator.

And help you
get into gamer-mode.

Winnie, didn't Destiny
say you aren't allowed
to play with power tools?

These are unprecedented
times, Scout.

And I'm sure
Destiny would agree.
Don't tell her.

Thanks, Winnie.

JAKE: Whoa,
everyone's a robot.

Die, robot scum!

Your flags are mine!

Tonight I'll be
eating pumpkin pie
from your skulls!

Wow. The Coyotangs
might actually
win this thing.

Not until
we fix that.

[CHUCKLES] Whoa!

I see why dogs
throw up so much.

I know how
to get through to her.

Hey, Scout.
Can I talk to you?

Ooh, are we
sharing secrets?

I'll go first.

The ham here
isn't ham.

Listen,
this Kiki-gotcha game
isn't just a competition,

it's survival
of the fittest.

Like in the animal kingdom?

Exactly.
And to help us win,

you need to act
like the most ferocious
animal in the wild.

Like the mockingbird?
It can be quite territorial.

Think bigger.
Think teeth.

So, like,
a mountain lion?

Yes, good,
be a mountain lion.

Come on,
give us a roar.

Actually, mountain lions
don't roar.

It's more like
a screech.

Really?
How's that scary?

[SCREECHES LOUDLY]

Oh. [CHUCKLES]
That's how.

Are you noobs gonna
sit around all day,

or are we gonna set
a new high score?

[IMITATING SCHWARZENEGGER]
Come with me if you want
a bunch of flags.

[GROWLS]

[LAUGHS VICTORIOUSLY]

Sorry about your pants,
but still counts.

Eliminated.

[GROWLS]

Wow, you seem
different, Scout.
New haircut?

[GROWLS]

Maybe it was new shoes?

Gotcha! [SIGHS]

A turtleneck
was a bad choice.

BOTH: I'm wearing it better!

That's it.
We need to decide

who's best dressed counselor
once and for all.

[SIGHS] Fine.
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

BOTH: Time to go
full Met Gala.

BOTH: Stop saying
what I'm saying.
I'm storming off.

Got those wires
you asked for.

Hey, unrelated,
maybe stay off the jet skis

for the rest
of the summer.

Thanks. I'm having trouble
getting this thing to work.

Well, you better hurry.
It's chaos out there.

Bill just asked me
to borrow a pair of shorts,

and you know how that kid
feels about exposed calves.

Oh, I'm sure
it's not that bad.

Scout, attack!

[GROWLING]

[GRUNTS TRIUMPHANTLY]

I'm sorry,
you were saying?

Oh, nice work, Scout.
Let's go find the boys.

The Coyotangs
are so close

to winning
that air conditioner.

That's right.
You're gonna win

a very real
air conditioning unit

that exists
and definitely works.

Or we can
keep the prize
all to ourselves.

What do you mean?

Let's break the alliance
and take out the boys,

so we don't
have to share
the air conditioner.

You want us
to betray our friends
for our own self-interest?

[GROWLS]I am so proud
of you right now.

Great idea
for a game, Lou.

I am really feeling
the camp spirit.

Well, looks like
your two closest cabins

are about to viciously
turn on each other. [SCOFFS]

Hate to say
"I told you so."

Actually, I love it.

Look, are you gonna gloat,

or you gonna help
me build this thing?

Can't I do both?

There are only
two cabins
left in the game.

We need to be
on the lookout for them.

You're right,
robot with Bill's voice
and bangin' calves.

Baker.

Lambert.

You look...

I'm sorry,
I have to say this,
you look amazing.

Oh, my gosh,
so do you.

A wagon wheel
chandelier hat?

Now that's
taking a risk
and nailing it.

Talk about
finding your light.

And you.
The cape, the ruffles,

timeless, yet
somehow so modern.

"Shall I compare thee
to a summer's day?"
I thinketh I shall.

Destiny, we need
to talk to you.

Right now.

Okay, slow down.

There's no
running in couture.

I wonder what
they're talking about.

You wanna
end the alliance
with the boys?

I guess
we'll never know.

I don't believe this.
You're ending our alliance?

Uh-huh, that's right.
We're perspiring
against you.

It's the Wolf
and Sheep Cabins,
they formed an alliance!

Finish them!

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES]

[SCREECHES]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES]

BILL: Jake,
you eliminated me.

What have I done?

These hands...

Oh, no, my flag.
Who got me?

[GROWLS]

Scout?
How could you?

[SPITS] Sometimes
you have to take out

the weak for the good
of the pride!

Survival of the fittest.

Bill taught me that.

Bill who?

Do you know
what's going on here?

I'm starting to think
maybe we should've

paid a little more attention
to our campers today.

Jake and Scout
are the last two
with a flag.

[GROWLS]

Welcome to the jungle, punk.

Scout, I think
we can both admit

that we've taken
things too far,

me as The Eliminator,

and you as
what I can only
assume is a mockingbird?

[GROWLS]

You don't
have to do this.

We can join forces again
and both win the game.

What do you say?

I say... [SCREECHES]

I don't speak
mockingbird,

so I'm just gonna
run away now.

[SCREAMS]

I think we may
have messed up.

Ya think? I'm probably
going to have to get
Scout a litter box.

Well,
there you have it.

Lou Hockhauser
built an AC unit

completely
from scratch.

Man, I really do my best work
when I'm lying to children.

Yeah, but I still think
you should take that
out of the brochure.

[MACHINE REVVING]

Ah. Feel that
sweet, refreshing,

smothering, hot air?
Did I make a heater?

Nope.
There's just
a fire inside.

I think you made
a flamethrower.

Sweet mercy![POWERS DOWN]

[SIGHS] Man,
this was such a mistake.

If only you would've
just listened to me...

Careful, Parker.

I have a flamethrower.

Man, I'm gonna
have to come
clean to the kids.

I just hope they're too tired
to run me out of town,

because [CHUCKLES]
this ranch won't last
a week with you in charge.

I'm sorry, how many times
did you burn your mouth
on a hot whistle today?

[LAUGHS] I did do that, yes.

Jake, I know
you're in here.

[SNIFFS]

I smell fear [GASPS]
and cheese puffs.

[GASPS]

Aw, man,
I knew I should've
licked my fingers better.

Say goodbye
to your flag, Jake.

Because it looks like
I got Kiki-gotcha!

Scout, stop!
I was wrong!

Yeah, Bill was wrong!

Oh, fine,
I was wrong, too.

No, you were both
right from the start.

This is survival
of the fittest

and it's not over until
I've eviscerated all my prey!

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC STOPS]

Foosball?

That's right.
Remember who you are.

Jake, my friend.

I wanted to make
memories with him.

Yes, exactly.

Let's play some foosball.

We don't even
have to keep score.

Ugh, I still
really hate that.

Jake? Is that you?

Scout, you're back.

Thank you for
reminding me
who I am.

I don't know
what got into me.

We got into you.

We're sorry
for pushing you both
to be so competitive.

It was wrong of us
to try to change you.

So, can we be
the Coyotangs again?

Of course.
Coyotangs forever.

ALL: Coyotangs!

Destiny, why do you
have a lamp on your head?

[CHUCKLES] Uh, no.
It's a chandelier.

You were right, Noah.
Unkempt trash muffins.

I've been thinking,
if our campers can
put aside their competition,

then we should be able
to share the title
of best dressed counselor.

Agreed. Today,
we proved that we both
rock it on a daily basis.

[INHALES] And that
we brought way
too many clothes to camp.

Yes, truly
a concerning amount.

There you are, Lou.
The Coyotangs are ready
to accept our shared prize.

Actually, there is no prize.
The AC unit is missing.

But I can offer you
a lightly scorched

heating unit-
slash-flamethrower

with the caveat,
you should never turn it on.

So this was
all for nothing?

I exposed my calves
for nothing?

Parker, where did
you disappear to?

Nothing, nowhere.

I mean, I was just
in my grain silo cabin.
No biggie. [CHUCKLES]

[SNIFFS]
You don't smell sweaty,

like the rest of us.

And your hair
has so much bounce.

He's cold, people!

[ALL GASP]

Okay, fine!
The AC unit isn't
missing, I took it.

The raccoons are innocent.
Swole, but innocent.

So this why you were
so against the competition.

I'm sorry,
but the grain silo's

basically an air fryer
with furniture.

Hey, anyone
need a barbecued futon,
'cause I've got one.

Seriously, Parker?
How could you?

Let's not
point fingers here.

You serve
these children
spider ham.

ALL: What?

[ALL CLAMORING]

Guys, guys, guys.

We can't start this again.

I know what'll
make us feel better.

Let's sing
my favorite song.

Hakuna Matata?

I'll get my guitar.
Parker, hit it.

♪ Hakuna Matata
What a wonderful phrase

♪ Hakuna Matata
Ain't no passing craze

♪ It means no worries

♪ For the rest of your days

♪ It's our
problem-free philosophy

♪ Hakuna Matata

ALL:
♪ Hakuna Matata

♪ Hakuna Matata

♪ Hakuna Matata

♪ Hakuna Matata

♪ Hakuna Matata

♪ Hakuna Matata

♪ It means no worries

♪ For the rest of your days

♪ It's our
problem-free philosophy

♪ Hakuna Matata ♪

[ALL CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

Ah. I feel better now.

Get him![SCREAMS]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]