07x08 - Don't Hate the Mayor, Hate the Game

[bunniefuu]

Hey, The Marshal.
What brings you
to our ranch?

Just doing a little
light trespassing?

Hey, I used to
own this ranch.

I can come back here
whenever I want.

For the record,
I also retained
outhouse rights.

I'm just puttin' up
some flyers

because the town
is lookin' for
a new mayor.

Yeah, R.I.P,
Mayor Smith.

If you're
gonna play checkers
against a grizzly bear,

always let him win.

Wait. Why aren't you
runnin' for mayor?

Well, I hate to admit this
knowin' how y'all see me

as a highly respected
pillar of the community.

You're still
talkin' to us, right?

But decades ago,
when I was the mayor,

well, the town entrusted me
with the key to the city.

I wanted to keep it safe,

so I hid it
in a very special place.

Where?

No idea.
That's why
I'm tellin' this story.

You think
I spew exposition
just for giggles?

Anyway, the town
was pretty miffed
that I lost the key,

and barred me
from ever bein'
mayor again.

Well, then
I should be mayor!

I've got some
next-level ideas

that could
totally fix this town.

What do you mean fix?

How many other towns have
a Grizzly Bear Checkers Club?

A number
that is shrinking
by the day.

There's a lot
this town needs.

I mean, you can only
get medical care
half the time

because the town doctor's
also the plumber.

It's not ideal,
but it's super cute

when he puts
those little bandages
on the pipes.

So how do I run?

It's just like
walking but faster.

That's on me.
Should've been
more specific.

No one runs for mayor.

Whoever wants
the job just shows up
on Main Street at noon,

has to be
the first one
to yell, "Dibs!"

Great! I'll be there.

Oh, "run".
Man, words
are crazy.

ALL: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

I'm super excited
to be in your play, Noah.

But why are
the script pages red?

Because red paper
can't be photocopied.

This play's got
lots of twists and turns,

and I don't want
any spoilers getting out.

According to my grandma,

I'm the next
M. Night Shyamalan's

less-talented cousin.

Man, I love
your savage grandma.

I also deleted
the original file

so hackers can't get to it.

It's much safer this way

since my computer password
is "password."

Aw, man. Now I'm gonna
have to change it
to "password one."

[BLEATS]

[CHUCKLES]
Ha! I know.

He probably doesn't even
two-factor authenticate.

Uh, Scout?

Does Nibbles
have to be here?
I don't trust him.

And that's coming
from a very untrustworthy
person.

[SIGHS] He's trying
to be better about
not eating people.

And Nibbles loves theater.

I know, he's a demonic,
man-eating goat.

But art can change people.

The other day, he chewed
through the zip line.

And there was
a kid on it.

He didn't know that.

[BLEATS]

Okay, he knew that.

Uh, Noah?

I don't think I can do
this part you assigned me.

Of course, you can!

You're perfect
for the ingenue lead

in my latest opus,
The Spy Who Loved to Spy.

But my character has to cry
at the end of the play.

I can't cry on command.
Everyone's gonna laugh at me.

No one will laugh at you.

[CRIES STRANGELY]

[LAUGHING] Okay.
You may have a point.

But as a master thespian,

I can teach you
how to cry on cue.

And if I can't,
no worries.

It's just a workshop piece.
No one will see it, anyways.

Actually, Lou invited
the whole town
to come see your play.

The whole town?

Man, your
savage grandma's
gonna tear you apart.

Uh... You know what?
Uh, let's take lunch, people.

And turn in your scripts.

I'm keeping them safe
between rehearsals.

The press would k*ll
to get their hands
on this masterpiece.

[BLEATS]

Really? I think
it's a healthy level
of self-esteem.

Destiny! You'll never
guess what I found
in the outhouse!

Oh, I think I can.

No, you don't understand!
It came from the Buttocks,
and I took a picture!

Oh! What
is wrong with you?

Look! It's a riddle
carved on the wall.

I think it's another clue.

Maybe the Buttock Brothers
hid more treasure?

No way. I'm not
doing this again.

We spent all last summer
searching for treasure,

only to find out
it was cursed,

and we had to return
everything we bought with it.

Oh, please
just look at the clue.

I really think
this is another nugget
straight from the Buttocks.

Okay. From now on,
let's agree

to only refer to them
as the Buttock Brothers.

Destiny, who knows,
this treasure
might not be cursed.

There's gold out there.
I can feel it.

Plus, remember
all the fun
we had last summer?

Ah. I remember it fondly.

Getting trapped
in a safe,

getting attacked
by Nibbles,

waiting for an alpaca
to drop a deuce.

Magical times.

It's okay if you don't think
you can figure out the clue.

I never said I couldn't.Then prove it.

Darn you for appealing
to my insatiable
competitive spirit. I'm in!

Yes! Okay,
here's the clue.

"If you want the gold
that unlocks it right,

"find 88 that are
black and white."

What does
"unlocks it right" mean?

Unlocks... Locks...
Locks need keys...

Wait! That's it. Keys!

A piano has 88
black and white keys!

Ha! I did it,
I'm great.
Tell everyone!

[GRUNTS AND GASPS]

There's words on it.
It's another clue!
There is a treasure!

Let's go find some gold!

Wait, before we do this,

shouldn't we tell Lou?
It is her camp.

Right.

Hey, Lou.
Guess what?

We may have
found a lead

on some new
not-cursed treasure.

Uh-huh?
Okay. Got it.

What did she say?

She said, "If it exists,
you two find it,

"spend some of it,
and if you don't die,
give me a cut."

That woman
is management goals.

Jake, I need your opinion.

Does this outfit scream
"Benevolent Overlord?"

For me, it screams,
"Guy Who Doesn't
Know Where He Is."

I just need the right clothes
for when I yell "dibs"
and become elected mayor.

I have so many
great ideas
to help the town.

Oh, cool.

I have some
great ideas too.

Like, the new town currency
should be pizza toppings.

"How much for
this pair of socks, sir?"

"That will be


No offense, Jake, but, uh,
I'll take care of the ideas.

You're right.
I was way off.

Socks would only cost
a couple of bell peppers.

Being mayor
is serious business.

Hence, the top hat.
And the air of superiority.

And you think
my ideas are silly?

No! I'm just saying
there's a reason

I'm the one wearing
the pretentious monocle.

Yeah, this is really
damaging my eyesight.

Hey, Winnie.
Ready for your
crying lessons?

I actually think
I figured it out.

I skipped lunch
to practice.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[CRIES STRANGELY]

How was that?

It was sad,
I'll give you that.

Uh, little tip, whenever
I need to cry for a scene,

I pluck a nose hair
right before
the camera starts.

The pain makes
my eyes water.

Aw, that's cute.
You think I can feel pain.

Okay. Nibbles and me
are ready for rehearsal.

[BLEATS]

Fine. Nibbles and I.

You could let
a few go, you know.

Scout, can you
please grab the scripts
from Coyote Cabin?

Sure. Hold my goat.

Okay, I have
another idea.

Let's try
making you sad.

It's July Fourth.

How is that sad?

It's the explodiest day
of the year!

Because you don't
have any fireworks!

Uh-oh.

What?
Because I already
blew them up, right?

Tell me I already
blew them up, Noah!

I wish I could,
but the truth is

they were confiscated!

No! By who?

Okay, now I'm
getting emotional!

I will have
my revenge! [SOBS]

Oh, no. Revenge
makes me happy.
I lost it.

[PANTING] Guys.

Someone destroyed
all of Noah's scripts!

Also, it smells like
a big armpit in there,
but I think that's unrelated.

My scripts?

It's okay,
you can make more.

No, I can't! I deleted
the original file
from my laptop!

I've been
undone by my own
security measures!

[CRIES BADLY] No,
still can't do it.

Let's get this show
on the road.

Noon is my
water aerobics time,

and I gotta
get there early.

It takes me a long time
to get in the pool.

I'm a delicate flower
about cold water.

So who wants
to be our new mayor?

BOTH: Dibs!

Bro, what are you doing?
You know I wanna be mayor.

And so do I.
It's on my bucket list,

right under
finally finding a Waldo.

Ooh! Drama!

Finally,
some tea to spill
at water aerobics.

I can't believe someone
destroyed all of my scripts!

I hand-painted
every one of those pages!

You know they make
red paper, right?

Does it look like
I'm in the mood for notes?

Wait a minute!

Are these teeth marks?

It appears the scripts
have been Nibbled!

[GASPS] No way!
It couldn't have been Nibbles.

He doesn't even like paper!

[BLEATS]

I know you like paper,
but you might wanna
bleat the fifth on this one!

I think
I can speak
for everyone

when I say Nibbles
has been a problem
ever since he showed up.

[BLEATS]

He says you can't
end a sentence
with a preposition.

I said I'm not
in the mood for notes!

What is this,
dinner with Grandma?

Well, I know he's innocent.
I'm going to clear
Nibbles' good name!

Come on, buddy.
I'm gonna get you a treat
to make you feel better.

[BLEATS]

No, you can't
have a camper.
Read the room!

Okay. These clues
have taken us
all over the ranch.

We must be getting close.
I can almost feel
the crown on my head.

It'll be my 39th one
but who's counting? Me.

Here's the latest clue.

"Finding what you desire
should not be a battle.

"You'll find
the next clue

"where you get off
your saddle."

Ooh. I know, I know.

[GASPS]
The hitching post!

Oh, I was gonna say,
"inside a horse."
But let's go with your thing.

This is where cowboys
would tie their horses.

Oh! I think
there's something
carved in the wood.

[GASPS] There is!

"For the final clue,
'X' marks the spot.

"What you seek hides
where it always gets hot."

Maybe the lava tubes
where the Pee-Wee-Wakas
play hide-and-seek,

which we should definitely
tell someone about,
but we're doin' our own thing?

No, I bet it's
in the boiler room!

But wouldn't the boiler room
have been built after
the Buttock Brothers?

These clues are nearly


Yeah. So is the boiler.
And according to Jake,

it would cost
to buy a new one.

Huh?

All right,
since these two both said
"dibs" at the same time,

we're gonna have
a bona fide election.

According to the town bylaws,
the candidates will say stuff.

Then y'all choose
who you like,

and drop your
ballot in this box.

Huh. Thought
it'd be weirder.

Then kick your choice
in the shin.

Ah, there it is.

Do we have
to do that part?

What, the ballots?

I suppose we can
just do the shin-kickings,

but I like to
have a paper record.

People of Dusty Tush,
as mayor of this fine town,

I will replace our
slow Pony Express

with actual,
and much faster
mail trucks.

And put poor
Pony Danza out of a job?

You know how
he spirals when he
has too much free time!

For my first act as mayor,
I would make it ill*gal

to eat a peanut butter
sandwich without jelly.

[CROWD MURMURS IN AGREEMENT]He's right!

Without the jelly,
it's just too dry!

I don't trust a sandwich
that doesn't jiggle a little.

His platform
is just moist sandwiches!

What, how
is this happening?

I also think
we should get rid
of all handkerchiefs!

They're gross.
You sneeze into them,

then put them
back in your pocket!

I don't really know
what sanitary means,
but I know it's not that!

He's right.
These things are just
glorified booger towels!

Vote for me,
and you can kick me
in the shin!

Now you're
just panderin'.

Wow, it's hot in here.

Just roll up
your sleeves.

In front of a lady?
What am I, delivering a calf?

Let's spread out
and look for the treasure.

The clue said,
"X marks the spot."

What am I doing?
This is just
a glorified booger towel.

Are you sweating
as much as I am?

First of all,
it's called glistening.

And yes, right now
I'm glistening like a hog.

We should open the door.

Uh-oh.

What uh-oh? No uh-oh's!
It's too hot for uh-oh's!

I think you can
only open this
from the outside.

We're trapped!

Okay, now
I'm sweating.

Nibbles and I
would like to thank
everyone for coming today.

[BLEATS]

Yeah. Everyone except Dylan.

I personally interrogated
every animal in the barn,

and they confirmed
that Nibbles was with them

all through lunch
when the scripts
were destroyed.

This proves
Nibbles is innocent.

Wow. You're good.

Do you ever take on
"impersonating an officer
of the court" cases?

Asking for a friend.

Whoever destroyed
Noah's script

had to get
into Coyote Cabin
without being seen.

And everyone
was together
during lunch.

Except for one person.

The same person
who's been trying

to get out of doing
this play all day.

Oh, man.
Just like me.

Wait.

Winnie Weber,
where were
you at lunch?

Down by the lake,
avoiding the weasel chili!

Where we all
should've been.

I didn't do it.
You have to believe me!

You all believe me,
don't you?

We get it,
you love your new
magic marker, Dylan!

Scout, are you sure
it was Winnie?

The question
you should be asking

is why does
she have a piece
of red paper

sticking out
of her sleeve?

[BLEATS]

He says, "J'accuse!"

A flurry of votes came in

after Parker
pitched his idea

of installing
indoor plumbing
in Town Hall.

Which is gonna save
a ton of money on buckets.

Anyways,
the results are...

It's a tie!

Maybe you guys
didn't understand.

Moist sandwiches.

This is all
new territory
for us Tushians.

We'll need to consult
the city bylaws again.

Okay. Let's see here.

Ah. "Fines for Speedin'
in a Covered Wagon"

"What To Do When
Your Neighbor Is A Witch"
"Leech Rights."

Why do I wanna be mayor
of this town again?

Ah-ha! "Election Ties!"

Well, according to this,

Parker and Jake
are gonna need to search

for the official
mayor's badge.

Whoever finds it first,
gets to be mayor.

Ooh, like
a scavenger hunt.

Close. Uh, we're gonna
bury it in hog slop,

and the two of you
are gonna root around for it.

How is that close?

It's not!

Help!
Somebody help us!

[BOTH SIGH]

I can't believe
we're going to die
in a boiler room!

Me neither! I mean,
it's slightly more believable

than a bank vault hidden
in a video store, but still!

Hey, Destiny,
take a look
at this handwheel.

It's not connected
to any pipe.

And the middle
of it looks like...

BOTH: An "X!"

[GASPS]

[GRUNTS]

[EXCLAIMS]

We did it!
We found the treasure!

Fantastic! Which means
the person finding
our corpses

is going to have
so much money.

It's, uh, it's definitely
getting warmer in here.

[SIGHS] It's this
stupid thing.

How come it can
heat this room

but I'm still taking
icy-cold showers?

[THUMPS][HISSES]

You made it angry!

Well, what do you
want from me?

I'm a cowboy,
not a doctor-plumber!

BOTH: Help!

[LOU GASPS]Lou, thank goodness!

I knew it!
When I hadn't heard
from you two in a while,

I started to wonder
if you'd found the treasure
and decided to cut me out.

No, we just found it!
I wouldn't lie to you.

Then why are you
glistening like
a guilty hog?

We're in
a boiler room.

Valid point, sustained.

[RUMBLES]

Okay, exiting
the basement
of death now!

Huh. Maybe
that thing's the reason

I'm still taking
icy-cold showers.

[RUMBLES]

Okay, everyone.
I just finished a thorough
interrogation of Winnie.

She's tiny,
but terrifying.

The evidence
is overwhelming.

Winnie Weber
is guilty!

[GASPS] No matter
how many times you hear it,
you never get used to it.

Time for your
punishment.

Punishment?
Uh, you mean, the usual

Winnie slap-on-the-wrist
of limited chainsaw time?

No. For destroying
your masterpiece,

her punishment
is much worse.

How would you like it
if we destroyed
all of your fireworks?

Setting off that many
fireworks at once?

I'd love it!

But I'm not sure
I'm ready to peak
this young.

Not so fast!

We're going
to destroy
your fireworks

by dumping
water on them!

No! My babies!

They'll never
get to see July!

Please!
Please don't.

Are you crying?

Yes! They have a lifetime
of destruction ahead of them
they'll never get to see!

Finish them!No!

Stop! I can't take it.

Winnie is innocent!

I ripped up my own play.

[ALL EXCLAIM]

[BLEATS]

She says, "What?"

When Lou said the whole town
was gonna see my play,

I got really scared.

I didn't wanna
disappoint anyone.

So, you tore up
the scripts
and framed Nibbles?

I needed a scapegoat.
Emphasis on "goat."

Save it for the script, Noah.

But there were
actual teeth marks
on the scripts.

When I commit,
I commit!

Winnie, I am so sorry.

Can you forgive me?

[SIGHS]

And the student
becomes the master.

Wait, those
were fake tears?

You were just
acting the whole time?

When I was
interrogating Winnie,

I realized
the paper
in her sleeve

was just from
her fireworks.

So, I came up
with a plan.

To get someone
to confess,

I cried using
the motivation technique
you taught me.

But this time,
I put all the thoughts
of revenge out of my mind.

Which is really hard.
I think about revenge a lot.

Wow, I am
an amazing teacher.

I gotta charge more
for my trainin' videos.

I'm sorry that
all the scripts
are gone.

But now that
I know how to cry,

I'd love
to do your play.

You would?

Yeah. The Spy
Who Loved to Spy
was really good.

Well, except
the title.

Thanks, guys.
Well, luckily,

I kept a backup file
of the play
on my thumb drive.

I could never completely

deprive this world
of my genius.

Wait. Where's my genius?

[BLEATS]

So, that he ate.

Yes, I started a sentence
with a conjunction.
Just let me live!

Ladies and Gentlemen!

We will now determine
which of these two

esteemed,
distinguished candidates

will be the next
leader of our town.

Well, well, well.

Look who's
makin' this work.

Jake, if you
just concede now,

we won't have
to go through with this.

Then my parents
might finally write
something nice about me

in the family newsletter.

I just wanna be
taken seriously!
Oink, oink!

Now you know
how it feels!

What? What
does that mean?

Time to pick our mayor.

Piggies, take your places,
and find that mayor's badge!

[CHUCKLES]
Ready, set, soo-ie!

Ugh, this is almost
as bad as the weasel chili.

Ugh.

Oh look,
an ear of corn.

Maybe this
will listen to me!

Jake, what are
you talking about?

You didn't listen
to my ideas earlier.

Adults never
listen to my ideas.

Ooh. The slop
and the relationships
are getting messy.

Did you run
just to prove a point?

Yes. And now
I'm gonna be mayor,

and the entire town
is gonna listen

to what this
little piggy has to say!
Oink, oink, ha!

You're right, Jake.
I'm sorry.

I hate when my parents
don't listen to me,

and so I promise
from now on,
I'll listen to you.

Thanks, Parker.
That's all
I really wanted.

And it's clear you have
your finger on the pulse

of what the average
Tushian wants.

So, if you find the badge,
you'll make a great mayor.

That's really
nice to hear.

But you know who would
make the best mayor?

You.

The badge!
When did you find it?

Just now. Right under
what I hope is a hotdog
but think is a finger.

Thanks, Jake.

I'm the mayor, everybody!
I got the badge![ALL CHEERING]

Aw, man.
I was rootin'
for the little one.

Ah! And there's
a finger on it![GASPS]

Oh. Just mine.
Phew!

This is
a much smaller box
than I was hopin' for.

I may not be able
to afford that 40-foot yacht
I've had my eye on.

"The Deep Lou Sea."

No. "The Dock-hauser."

Yes. That feels right.

A key?

If that's the metaphorical key
to someone's heart,
I'm gonna lose it.

Hey, that's
the key to the city!

Where'd
you find it?

It was hidden
in the boiler room

at the end of a long
series of clues.

Oh, right! That's how
I hide important things
so no one can find them.

You hide your valuables
at the end of very elaborate
treasure hunts?

Of course.
That way they're safe.

I'm pretty sure
my birth certificate is buried
on a beach in the Philippines.

Hey. Now that
I've got the key back,
I can be mayor!

Not so fast.
I'm the mayor
of Dusty Tush now.

I'm sorry, what?

You're the mayor?

Sure am.

In that case,
you're gonna do something
about handkerchiefs, right?

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]