07x18 - Iguana Be Best Man

[bunniefuu]

You guys are never going
to guess the amazing thing
I just got in the mail.

A sack of tarantulas?
A sack of scorpions?

No, a sack
of unholy tarantula
scorpion hybrids.

Is it a rainbow?

How do you two
think mail works?

I got accepted into
Nature Without Borders
at the end of the summer.

It's a nonprofit
that sends volunteers

to remote corners of the world
to protect ecosystems.

I'll be like a superhero,
but for grasslands.

That's amazing, Destiny,

but I thought you were
gonna start college
after the summer.

I decided to take a gap year
and do this instead.

Hold up.

You can take
a year off from school?

This is a thing
that can be done,

and more people
aren't talking about it?

Well, this was fun.

Bill, you're never going
to guess the amazing thing
I just got in the mail.

I overheard. Congrats!

This sounds like
this program will take you
to the middle of nowhere.

So if you need tips
on roughing it,
you let me know.

[scoffs] Tips? I think
I know how to rough it

after five summers at camp.

Uh, you have it
pretty cushy at Kikiwaka.

Not like the weeks I spend
on a cattle drive

with nothing but a horse,
a canteen,

and my dry cowboy wit.

Cushy? I sleep in
an un-air-conditioned cabin.

With a fan.

I light the campfire
every night.

It's gas powered.

I just spent three nights
in a tent last week
for a camping trip.

And you ran 500 feet
of extension cords
to the campsite...

for your fan.

It doesn't even oscillate!

Ugh! I was better off
talking to Winnie and Jake.

Dad, Destiny told me
I don't have to go to school.

Mom, I want to take a gap year
for all of junior high.

Actually, it looks like
I'll be talking
to their parents.

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

Hey, Parker, what you up to?

Working on something for camp?

[all laughing]

Good one, Lou.

I know. I figure if I don't
laugh about it, I'll cry.

This is all wedding planning
for Victoria and my big day.

There's still so much to do,
so we can get married

before the end of the summer.

Find a location,
find a caterer,

find the money to pay
for a location and a caterer.

Ooh, it's happening
at the end of the summer?

Yeah, we want to celebrate
while all of our camp friends
are still in town.

Also, once we're married,
I can finally start farting
in front of her.

Yours is a love
we all aspire to.

Right? Anyways,
I better get going.

Our bird vendor says
our roaming peacocks
are trying to eat each other.

Man! Parker really needs
a best man to help him
with all this wedding stuff.

I know. I wish he would
just ask me and make it
official already.

I just bought a top hat,
and I am dying to know
if I could pull it off.

You? Why do you think he'd
possibly pick you over me?

Well, because we're
super close.

And he knows how well
I run this camp,

so he knows I can help plan
the whole wedding.

From mapping out
a seating chart

to mapping out the landmines
under the soccer field.

I can say that,
you signed an NDA.

Parker and I are super close,
too, and everyone knows
the most important job

of the best man is
the best man speech.

And I'll bring down the house.

Literally.
The last speech I gave

had a badly rigged
balloon drop

and the ceiling collapsed.

Well, it looks like
the competition is on then.

May the best best man win.

By the way, are we
gonna talk about
Parker's cannibal peacocks?

It's the "roaming"
that has me worried.

[Winnie] Scout!

Hey, wanna go canoeing?

I've been practicing,
and I think I'm ready
for the real thing.

I assume
this holds up the boat?

Actually, I need your help
with our horse, Hunter.

He's mad at me
for trying to jump him
through a fiery hoop.

It's like he's never been
in a talent show.

And I need you to put in
a good word for me
with the local hummingbirds.

They're so clique-ish,
always humming behind my back.

No, Hunter first.
He's so mad at me,

he did his business
in my riding helmet.

A move he totally stole
from me, by the way.

But the next hummingbird
soiree is this evening,

and I already made
a very sugary quiche Lorraine!

Scout is going to help me.

No, she's gonna help me.

I'm not helping either of you.

What? Why?

Because, uh...

I have lost my ability
to communicate with animals.

Yes, that is why.

But that's who you are.
It would be like Winnie
losing her wildness

or me losing my geniuses-ness.

How did this even happen?

Great question.

You see, I was bit...

while I was sleeping...

by... an iguana.

That's a real animal,
so you know it's true.

So an iguana bite
took away your ability
to talk with animals?

[giggles] Yep,
that's what I said.

Let's not relitigate it.

This is terrible!

Now I'll never be the belle
of the Hummingbird ball.

I bet the same thing
must have happened to me.

I had an iguana growing up,
and I can't talk to animals.

That jerk probably bit me
while I was sleeping!

The logic is flawless.

I'm really sorry
I can't help you

with all your animal
problems anymore.

But on the bright side,
that frees up more time
for using whatever this is.

I refuse to give up so easily.

Jake and I are gonna
make it our mission
to get your ability back.

Definitely. And with
Winnie's fearlessness

and my intelligosity,
we can't be stopped!

Uh, it's a paddle.

Oh, look, if it isn't
Bill the hater.

I'm not a hater.

I mean, I hate
computers and boots
that don't hurt

and pumpkin spice
and whatever live, laugh,
love means...

Hmm, maybe I am a hater.

Well, I just roughed it
by doing my laundry
in the lake.

Unfortunately, now my clothes
have a faint neon glow,

but I think it'll
bring out my eyes.

I'd say that was
a pretty good start, except...

[sniffs] Fabric softener?
Really?

Oh, because to save
the planet, my tees
need to feel starchy!

Before you go in there...

-[Destiny] Bill!
-And you're already in there.

Did you take my bed?

You need to get used
to living without luxuries.

How is a mattress filled
with old oatmeal a luxury?

I also cut your power,
turned off the water

and removed all the mirrors
from the cabin.

I threw out your nail polish
remover too,

but that's only because I saw
a recall on the news.

You took my mirrors?
How am I supposed
to do my makeup?

Do you really need makeup
out in the middle of nowhere?

[gasps] For the sake
of our friendship,

I'm going to pretend
you didn't say that.

I did cross a line.

This Chinchilla Chutney
could use more seasoning.

Noah, could you pass the salt?

Of course.

But of course!
I would do anything for you,

because you are
my dear friend and...

No, wait, everyone
needs to hear this.

We never really know what
we're eating at this camp,

but we do know who we can
turn to when our tummies
start to bubble.

Parker Preston!

A man who will hold your hand
through hard times

and hold your hair back
after hard meals!

To Parker...

a man worth his salt.

[applause]

Wow, what would you have said
if I'd asked for the pepper?

Actually, Parker, I have
something I want to say, too.

By all means, I don't
understand what's happening,
but I'm here for it.

Well, I just, uh,
wanted you to know...

that you can use the camp
for your wedding venue!

That's right.
That's what I said,

and now I gotta let you do it.

Really? You would do that?

This is the perfect place
to get married.

This is where Victoria
and I met and fell in love,
and it's free!

Well, a small cleaning fee
might be required, but yes!

I am an extremely helpful
friend who's great
at problem-solving

and will help ease
the difficulties
of wedding planning.

Uh-huh! I see you.

That is so generous, Lou.

You know, normally,
renting a place like this
would cost, like, 10 grand.

Ten grand? [chuckles]

You don't say. [laughs]

Isn't that
a fun little tidbit?

I'm gonna go tell my fiancee
we got a free venue.

More peacock money!

Well, I think it's safe to say
that my extravagant gesture

has just secured
my spot as best man.

Not so fast.

Clearly, my speech
wowed him first.

I'd say the best man
competition to see

which best man will become
best man continues.

Which will be me.
While you're seated
at table 20...

with the cousins.

By the DJ booth speakers?

-Jake, I had a thought.
-Lucky.

Look at these superheroes.

Mosquito Max,
WolfBoy, Mr. Shark.

What do they all
have in common?

Really on-the-nose nicknames?

Yes, and they all gained
their superpowers after being
bitten by animals and bugs.

And Scout lost her power
when she was bitten
by an iguana!

-Exactly so maybe...
-It's completely opposite

and in no way relevant
to our problem. Nice!

What I'm saying is,
it seems like the bites
are connected to superpowers,

so maybe Scout
can get her ability back

after she gets bitten
by an iguana again.

But what are the chances
we can find one?

I'd say pretty good.
I'm friends with an iguana.

Um, you're friends
with an iguana?

Yeah. Joe and I brunch.

Unlike those insular
diva hummingbirds.

Okay, I have
a lot of questions,

but what the heck, let's go
brunch with Joe the Iguana.

Oh!

I... I mean...

Ooh!

What? Is it my makeup?

You took my mirror,
so I had to apply it

using my reflection
in a puddle.

Was there a stampede running
through it at the time?

Is it that bad?

I wanna say no...

but I can't.

Whoa, Destiny. I thought
you gave up clowning.

I look like a clown?

Yeah, an angry clown.

It's fine. The woodland
creatures I meet

doing Nature Without Borders
will appreciate the effort.

But I really need
to use the bathroom.

So can you please
turn my water back on?

Ooh, that's a no-go.

Indoor plumbing isn't really
a "roughing it" thing.

Then where am I
supposed to go?

Dig a hole.

But, Bill, it's Chili Dog Day.

Dig it deep.

Hey, Parker, I picked up
a lookbook of tuxes

you can choose from for you
and your wedding party.

Wow, thanks.

-You're the best.
-Best what?

[laughs] Finish
the sentence, man.

-Huh?
-Nothing. Never mind.

Check out these tuxes
and maybe try to imagine
the people wearing them.

And, I don't know,
say their names

and titles out loud
if it feels right.

But first, try
these Mound of Brown-inspired
hors d'oeuvres I whipped up

for the wedding.
I like to call them
"amuse splooshes."

I really appreciate you
both helping out so much.

I wish there was
something I could do
to properly thank you.

-There is!
-There really is.

[phone beeps]

Oh, man, now? But I'm
supposed to lead a hike.

What's wrong? I'll help.

I can fix it. Pick me.

The courier delivering
my grandmother's ring
is about to arrive.

Aww, the ring you're giving
Victoria for the wedding
is a family heirloom?

It is. Gramsy said
she wants to commemorate
this wonderful occasion

since it's unlikely
I'll ever make another
good decision in my life.

Yeah, I might
tell her we eloped.

I can stick around
for the ring delivery.

-I'm not busy.
-Awesome.

No, I've got this, Noah.

I have nothing to do
for the rest of the day.

My entire month is clear!

I am wide open till June 2029!

I feel guilty for having
so much going on in my life

when you guys have
so little. But thanks!

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to try to go
prevent some kids

from getting lost
in the woods.

Try?

Would you cut me some slack?
I have groom brain.

Well, it looks like
we've reached the final round
of the competition, Lambert.

The best man is the one
who holds the ring.

And whoever controls the ring
has all the power.

Easy, Gollum!

I'm going to be the one
that hands Parker that ring,

and then he'll make me
his best man.

We'll see about that,
Nasty Hobbitses.

-Are you hearing it?
-I'm leaning in now.

[Winnie] Hey, Jake.

Winnie, I told you brunch
will be business formal.

You're lucky Joe believes
in second chances.

Are you gonna introduce me
to your iguana or not?

Of course, I have manners.

Joe, I would like you to meet
one of my non-reptile friends,

who doesn't seem to own
a respectable blouse.

Nice to meet you, Joe.

I'm Winnie, Portland-born,
who loves to play guitar,
wanted in several states,

and we're gonna
need you to bite
our friend, okay? Sweet.

Jeez, Winnie,
transactional friendship much?

Let a lizard eat first!

What are those?

Dead flies I found
on my windowsill?

Word to the wise,
if you're ever saving up flies

for brunch
with your lizard friend,

do not store them
near your raisins.

The taste lingers.

Hey, Destiny,
nice tray of food.

Yeah, I'm so hungry.

Where you're going,
you don't need forks.

You know what?
This is probably for the best.

My arms are too tired
to dig another hole.

In the wilderness,
food won't be served to you.

You'll have to find it.

Do you even know
which rocks are safe to eat?

Of course, I know what...

Trick question!
Rocks aren't edible.

That's not true.
What about rock candy?

I expected this from Jake,
but from you?

Yeah, I'm disappointed
in me, too.

[sighs] Look, if you want
to survive in the wilderness,

you will have to step out
of your comfort zone.

So today's lunch is...

assorted reptile nuggets.

Reptile?

Now, hear me out.
You're going to think
they're dry,

and you're going to be right.

This isn't necessary.

Nature Without Borders
will send me with food

so I don't need
to eat reptile chunks.

What if a bear
gets into your camp
and eats everything?

It could be weeks
before you're resupplied.
What then?

Duh, I can eat
my moisturizer, it's organic.

[groans] Do I have to?
They're not even breaded.

I can't touch their scaly skin

with my outsides,
much less my insides.

Reptiles inhabit 99%
of the places you
might be sent to.

By the way, pro-tip:
check your shoes
before you put them on.

You might have
breakfast hiding in there.

[retches] Ugh!

[exhales] You got this, Baker.

[shudders]

Oh, I can't!

It's giving dirty terrarium.

Come on, Destiny!

This is the sort of thing
you have to do to survive
in the wilderness.

[sighs] Then I give up.

You win, Bill.

I'm gonna tell Nature
Without Borders I can't go.

[sniffs]

Dipping sauces
would have helped.

The delivery guy!
Give me that ring!

No, it's mine!

Aha! I got it! I won!

Lou, kickball!

Like I'm gonna fall for... Ow!

Ha-ha! Fate has chosen me.

Let go! It's mine!

Give me my precious!

Whoa! You're
really leaning it!

Uh, where'd the ring go?

It must have fallen out.

But I'll find it,
for I am fate's chosen son!

Where'd it go?
It should be right here.

It's not like
somebody stole it.

[squirrel chattering]

Uh-oh, it looks like
that squirrel
on the roof stole it.

What's it doing
with Parker's ring?

Seriously! Squirrels
are famous for their fear
of commitment.

It's making a break for it!

Follow that squirrel!

You know, two legs
would probably be faster.

We evolved for a reason.

Uh-oh! Looks like the squirrel
ran into the cactus patch.

-[squirrel chattering]
-It's taunting us.

Hot take, this squirrel
is a real jerkstore.

It's always the cute,
fluffy ones you've
got to watch out for.

What do we do now?

Well, there's only
one thing to do.
You run in after it.

Me? Why me?

Well, you really are
better suited to be best man.

I mean, you are,
in fact, a man.

Wow, look who's
suddenly conforming
to outdated gender norms.

And besides,
you should be best man

since you and Parker are
so close you share
a private bathroom.

[chuckles] That means nothing.

If it did, he would remember
to put the seat down.

Well, I guess
we should both go in.

You're right.

You know, maybe it's like
a hot coal situation,

and if we run through
super-fast, we won't
feel anything.

Yeah, I do acupuncture.
How different
can this really be?

Okay, one, two...

[both screaming]

[Lou shrieks]

[Noah] This is way different
than Eastern medicine.

[Lou] I feel everything!

Hey, giddyup!

Uh, what's going on in here?

I'm just practicing
my horseback riding.

Whoa! Easy, girl. Easy.

Uh... Well, good news,

we found an iguana
to get your powers back.

Come again?

This is Joe, and he's
gonna bite you.

Because he's a good friend.

Jake, that is not an iguana.

It's a Fire Death Dragon.

It's okay, Joe and I
don't subscribe to labels.

You don't understand.

One drop of his saliva
could take out
this whole camp.

Joe, you're poisonous?

We said we had no secrets.

Is our friendship
built on lies?

[hisses]

Uh-oh. He's jealous
that you brought
a new friend to brunch.

And now he's wondering
how your neck tastes.

Wait. You can understand, Joe?

Who cares?
There's a deadly reptile
on my shoulder.

Jake, don't move a...

[screaming]

Hurry! We have to help him!

Hee-yaw!

Um, not a real horse.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, Destiny, can we talk?

I'd love to.

Particularly about
where you put my bed!

You're not gonna like this,
but, uh, I don't remember.

Anyway, I need to apologize
for making you feel like
you weren't good enough.

[sighs] It's not your fault
I can't rough it.

I'm just a delicate suburban
clown turned pageant girl.

I'm a walking cliche.

But you can rough it.

You lake-washed your clothes,
managed without running water
or a mirror,

and did your business
in a hole.

A little too close
to the hiking trail,

but hey, that's why
we wear boots.

But I'm still too
scared of reptiles.

Maybe. But if there's
one thing I know
about Destiny Baker,

it's that you are the most
determined person I know,

and you will always
rise to the occasion.

I wish I could believe you,
but it's not like
I'm going to be

confronted with some
actual life-or-death

reptile encounter
that could prove that.

Deadly reptile!
Deadly reptile!
Get it off! Get it off!

[screaming]

Come back and I'll
turn you into nuggets,
you sack of scales!

Someone please have
hand sanitizer.

Destiny, you did it!
You rose to the occasion!
Just like I said!

Not that this is all
about me! But I did!

Wow, I guess I can rough it.

Which means, I'm tough enough
for Nature Without Borders!

What happened?
We just saw Joe
rush into the woods.

He was yelling,
"This isn't over,
revenge will be mine!"

But, maybe he was kidding.

I saved Jake!

Thank you. Your near-death
experience was exactly what
I needed to conquer my fears.

Don't touch my neck!

Come on, Bill.
Let's go find my bed.

I really have
a mental block about it.

Scout, how did you
talk to Joe?

When did you get
your ability back?

Actually, I never
lost it. I lied.

What?

First Joe. Now you.

What are you hiding from me?

A lot.

I'm sorry.

I was tired of everyone
treating me like animal girl.

I'm so much more.

An apple juice sommelier,
a basket-weaving enthusiast,

and I once beat Steph Curry
in a three-point contest.
I contain multitudes!

We're the ones
who should be sorry.

Talking to animals is amazing,
but no one would want
to do it all the time.

Exactly. I wanna do
camp stuff.

What are the chances
we can finally go canoeing?

I'd say pretty good...

I'm friends with a canoe,
I'll introduce you.

You'll love him! He has
a house on the lake!

Whoa! What happened
to you two?

It doesn't matter.

Just take this ring
before a badger steals it

and hides it
in an active volcano.

Look, Parker, we've been
fighting all day over who gets
to be your best man.

Can you just pick one of us
so we can be done with it?

But, I'm not picking
one of you...

After all we've done?

I will rain pain
down upon you!

...because I'm picking
both of you.

-Oh, really?
-We're touched. So honored.

You would've known
if you just looked up.

I hired a skywriter.

[aircraft buzzing]

L-A-N-W-Y-B-M-B-M-A-B-W-?

What does that even mean?

[scoffs] "Lou and Noah,
will you be my best man
and best woman?"

It couldn't have been
more clear.

So, do you accept?

-[both] We do!
-Great!

Your first official duty:

You each babysit a peacock
until the wedding.

Do not put them together.

I'm already regretting this.

[♪ theme music playing]