01x11 - In Search of the Ring Bear

[bunniefuu]

-Those are pictures of your
mother and I at our wedding.
-But who are these young people?

-Um, those are pictures of your
mother and I at our wedding.
-You and Mom were young once?

-No, We were born like this.

Yeah, we were the--
we were the biggest
and oldest babies
in the hospital.
Oh hi, welcome to Bobby's World.

I'm Howie.

I bet you're saying,
how come they're sitting
here looking through
photo albums?
Or maybe you're saying,
how can I hear him?
Well it's because I got one
of these hanging over my head.
Maybe you do too,
maybe you don't.
I don't know.

There's a lot of
things I don't know.
-Will you get to the point?

-OK, OK.

Wait a second.

Here's a point.

How's that?

-Good point.

-Well, thank you, Bobby.

You know, it's always
important when you're
saying something to
make a good point.
-Mom says, it's not
polite to point.
-Good point.

Today, Bobby, you're
going to a wedding.
-A wedding?

But I'm too young to
get old and married.
-No, no, no.

It's not your wedding.

It-- this reminds me of a poem.

No, not a poem.

This reminds me of a song.

No, a story.

It reminds me of a story.

Once-- no, it is a song.

It's a song.

It was a poem.

Two men--

-Let's go to the main title, OK?

[THEME MUSIC]

-Oh now, hurry up
now, Howard, dear.
We don't want to be
late for the wedding.
-Late?

How can we be late?

-Yeah, I mean, the
darn wedding isn't
until the day after tomorrow?

-Oh Howard, my cousin Maudie
is finally getting married,
can you believe it?

-I can't believe
anybody asked her.
The woman is as
plain as an old shoe.
-Oh, Howard.

For your information,
Howard, the man
who asked Maudie to marry
him isn't just anybody.
He's a Navy SEAL.

-An old shoe is going to
married to a Navy seal?
MARTHA: Oh no, no, Bobby honey,
that's not how it is at all.
Cousin Maudie isn't
really an old shoe.
-She just looks like one.

-Howard, now don't
tell Bobby such things.
Cousin Maudie is a beautiful
woman on the inside.
She's going to marry
a diver in the navy.
Those people are called SEALs.

Understand?

-No.

-Oh, oh, Kelly, honey,
now come on over here
and help me figure out what
we should pack for you.
-Mom.

Like I can't even
think right now, OK.
I am like totally freaked out.

-About what, Kelly?

-Like, I'm one of
the bridesmaids, OK.
Like, what if the dress
I'm supposed to wear
turns out to be, like,
truly weird or stuff?
-I don't know why she's worried.

She always wears
truly weird stuff.
-Oh, oh, now, Kel.

I'm sure your
bridesmaid dress will
be cute as a g-darn
button is all.
-Yeah, like that is what
I'm living in fear of, OK.
-Oh oh, there now.

You'll feel better
once you head done
that g-darn aisle of the church.

Oh, we're just going to
have such a good time
at this wedding, don't you know.

-Mom?

Am I going to like
going to the wedding?
-Oh you're just going to
love it, don't you know?
They'll be candles and music
and a flower girl and--
-A flower girl?

-Hi there, I'm Daisy.

-Kelly's right, this wedding
thing could be truly weird.
-Oh and they'll have dancing
and food and a ring bearer and--
-A ring bear?

Now that sounds like
something worth seeing.
-Ladies and gentleman before
we bring out Topo Gigio,
we have a really big show.

A Yugoslavian ring bear.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

MARTHA: Oh it's going to be
something to see, all right.
Oh, this wedding is going
to be the most exciting
thing in the whole g-darn world.

-It's going to be a circus.

-A wedding circus?

-Come one, come all.

Step right up, step right up.

ALL: Ooh.

-Welcome to the bride
and groom wedding circus.
And here we are in our
fun zone where you'll
feel the excitement of the
ever popular ring toss.
That's right,
gentlemen, three tosses
for $1, four quarters,
a hundred pennies.
Step right up.

And now, ladies and gentlemen.

Directly below you,
the dazzling artistry
of the famed ball
and chain jugglers.
But that's not all.

We still haven't ridden
Wedding Cake Mountain.
-And Bobby, you don't even know
the most exciting part, yet.
-I don't?

MARTHA: We're flying
to the wedding.
BOBBY: We are?

-I'm hungry.

-I'm thirsty.

-I'm Bobby.

-Are we there yet?

-Yeah, Webbly's getting tired.

MARTHA: Oh now don't
be silly, Bobby.
We're not actually flying.

We're going to fly to the
wedding on an airplane.
-An airplane?

I've never been on one of those.

-Know what they do to
scaredy-cat crybabies
on airplanes?

-W-w-what?

-They make them ride outside.

-Outside?

-On the wings.

-The wings?

Help, help!

Somebody help!

Help, somebody help!

Let me in.

Please, you gotta let me in.

-Sorry, can't help you
because you're a crybaby.
DEREK: Na-na-na-na-na.

Na-na-na-na-na.

Bobby's a baby.

-Am not.

-Are too.

Only babies pack dolls
in their suitcases.
-Give me those.

They're mine.

-Oops.

Didn't say pretty please.

-Derek!

Come back here with
Webbly and Captain Squash.
-What do want them so bad for?

They're nothing but a
couple of stuffed dummies.
-Nothing but a couple
of stuffed dummies, huh?
-Oh no, the bridge is out.

Uh-oh, the brakes are gone.

Help!

Help!

Pull the safety.

-You don't deserve it
but we'll save you.
Ready, Webbly?

Ready, Captain Squash?

-Ready, Bobby.

Now, Bobby?

BOBBY: Now!

Now do you think Captain
Squash and Webbly are just
a couple of stuffed
dummies, huh?
-Oh no, now that I
know that they are.
HOWARD: Completely ridiculous.

It's not only
ridiculous, it's insane.
-Oh now, honey, don't
go getting yourself
worked up into a
lather over nothing.
-Nothing?

Martha, somebody
tried to pack the dog.
-Roger should go.

The family dog is very integral
to the basic family unit.
And they're fun, too.

And besides, he wants
to see the ring bear.
He told me so.

-Oh now, isn't he the cutest?

Bobby honey, dogs
don't go to weddings.
-They don't?

Well, Derek says Kelly's a
dog and she's getting to go.
MARTHA: Hey, hey,
hey, hey Bobby, now.
INTERCOM: The white
zone is for the loading
and unloading of
passengers only.
No parking.

The white zone is
for the loading
and unloading of
passengers only.
-How many suitcases could
you guys possibly need?
-Don't look at me.

I only packed one.

-Me too.

-Oh gee golly, honey, I thought
all this stuff was yours.
-Well, a person
needs a lot of stuff
if they're going to
be away from home
for like three entire days, OK.

-A VCR, diet soda,
an aerobics tape?
-Oh now, honey, what
in the heck and gone
did you bring all
that stuff for yet?
-Well, like, I had to
keep in shape, don't I?
-Yeah, like you really got to be
in shape to get on an airplane.
-I want to be a shape, too.

I want to be a triangle.

-Hey dork, don't
you know, they make
you pedal the whole way there?

-They do?

-Sure.

There are pedals
under every seat,
and if even one
person stops pedaling,
the plane drops like a rock.

ALL: Whoa!

PILOT [ON INTERCOM]:
Ladies and gentlemen,
someone isn't pedaling.

Mayday, mayday.

-I can't reach the pedal.

I can't reach the pedal.

MARTHA: Oh for crying
in the mud, Bobby.
There aren't any
pedals on an airplane.
-But Derek said--

-I did not.

Hey, he's nuts, Mom.

I think we should
get rid of him.
-Oh for gosh sakes now,
Derek, cut the comedy
and get a move on.

We have to catch our plane.

-Catch our plane?

-Catch me if you can.

Watch me hide behind a cloud.

-All right, is that two
adults and three children?
-Excuse me?

Do I look like a child to you?

-You look like a
genetic accident.
He was trying to be kind.

-And do you prefer window
seats, smoking or non-smoking?
-Who'd want a
smoking window seat?
-Hi there, care for a smoking
window seat? [COUGHING]
-No, no thanks.

-Where's our luggage going, Dad?

-It's going to be X-rayed.

You know, Bobby,
it's against the law
to carry a concealed
weapon onto an airplane.
-It is?

Oh no, what's going
to happen to me when
they see what I
put in my suitcase?
Oh no, they found the dangerous
weapons I put in my suitcase.
-What in the world?

-Yo, Mr. Ge-NER-ic.

BOBBY: That's GEN-er-ic.

-Yeah, well, whatever.

-What's the problem
with my son's luggage?
-Well, basically
looks like you might
have got a b*mb and a stick
of dynamite in his suitcase.
-Didn't you used to
be mall guard Meeker?
-Yes sir, I did.

Up until yesterday, because
I quit to come here.
I wanted to be where
the action was.
-That's not a b*mb and dynamite.

It's just a couple
of harmless toys.
-Sorry, my mistake.

A couple of harmless toys, huh?

That's what they think.

-Oh, isn't this exciting?

I wonder what Maudie will look
like in her wedding dress.
-Like a beached whale.

-Howard, quit that out now.

-I wonder if they'll have
anything good to eat.
-I wonder if they'll be, like,
any fabulous babes there.
-I wonder what the ring
bear's going to look like.
Think he'll be friendly or mean?

Maybe he'll be as small
as a bug, or maybe as big
as a house.

Ah, I can hardly wait.

[ALL ARGUING]

-Hey, who knows what time it is?

-Like, time to die
of embarrassment.
-Nah, I'd never be
embarrassed of you.
It's time for nougies.

Come on, line up.

-Uncle Pat, Uncle Pat, are
you going to the wedding, too?
-What are you kidding?

There's going to be
free food, isn't there?
Sure, I'm going.

-Oh now, hurry up.

We got to get up to our
rooms and get changed.
We got to be at the
wedding in half an hour.
HOWARD: I can't
believe you, Martha.
You start two days early
and you're still late.
-Oh, you all look
so g-darn cute.
Let's get a family photo.

[KIDS GROAN]

UNCLE PAT: Come, come on suck
it in and smile, come on.
MARTHA: Now, there you go.

Say cheese.

-Cheese.

-Cheese.

-Aw, I hate the way I
look in this stupid dress.
MARTHA: Aw Kel, that
is one of the prettiest
bridesmaid's dresses
I've ever seen.
-Oh Mom, get serious.

It makes me look normal.

-I hope I never have
to be a teenage girl.
They say a lot of stupid stuff.

[ORGAN PLAYING]

-Hey, what are you doing?

Would you sit still,
you little dork?
-I'm looking for ring bear.

-What are you, nuts?

There aren't going
to be bears here.
-There are too.

Mom said so, and whatever
Mom says is true.
-Oh yeah?

Well don't forget,
she's the one who
told you that lima
beans taste good.
-Hey now, hey, hey hey, hey.

Oh, oh look, there's Kelly.

-Hey, how come Kelly's
marching in the parade
instead of sitting with us?

-Shh, shh, shh,
shh Because she's
a bridesmaid, don't you know.

-Kelly is a maid?

-Hey, I got a problem here.

I'm looking at dry
flowers, a wrinkled dress,
and scuffed shoes.

I want to know what you're
going to do about it, toots.
-Like, chill out, bride.

What do I look like, your maid?

MARTHA: Shh, shh, shh, shh,
come on, come on, not so loud.
The wedding's about to start.

See?

Now there's Kelly
and Cousin Maudie.
Oh, doesn't she make
a beautiful bride?
And the groom and the best man.

-That guy's the best man?

How come Cousin Maudie's
not marrying him?
What's wrong?

-It looks like the best
man can't find the ring.
-Howard, it's not
funny, it's awful.
Oh, poor Cousin Maudie.

-And if he doesn't
find the ring,
it could ruin the whole
wedding yet, don't you know.
-Save your tears,
Cousin Maudie, I'll
see to it that
your ring is found.
-It's you.

-That's right, it's me.

Bobby, the bestest man.

I demand that you find
Cousin Maudie's ring
and be quick about it.

-But I don't remember
where I put it.
Might be in the truck.

-Take a look.

Any of these bring
back any memories?
-Wait, now I remember.

Here it is.

MARTHA: Oh, he found it.

Oh, and none too soon.

-You can say that
again, I'm hungry.
Where's the spread?

-Oh gosh, wasn't that
a beautiful ceremony?
-It's over?

-Finally.

-But where's the ring bear?

-Oh, he's right there.

See, hon?

He carried the groom's ring
on that little, satin pillow.
That's why they call
him the ring bearer.
-That's all the ring bear is?

Just a kid with a
runny nose and a pair
of sissy-looking white pants?

You know, sometimes life
can just break your heart.
-Hey Bobby, did you love
that wedding, or what?
What's wrong?

Why are you so upset?

-There wasn't any bear.

-What bear?

-There wasn't any
bear at the wedding.
There was only a kid
with a runny nose
and a pair of
sissy-looking white pants.
-There aren't bears at
those kind of weddings.
There's only bears
at-- at bear weddings.
-Bears get married?

Just like real people?

-Sure.

Remember "The Three Bears?"

They had a wedding just like
the one you went to, only
it was bears.

-Really?

You mean the man-bear wore
a suit and the lady-bear
wore a big fancy dress?

-Sure did.

-Well then, what did
the baby bear wear?
-He wore sissy-looking
white pants.
I mean, hey-- he didn't
have a runny nose.
Well, bye for now
from Bobby's World.
And, and-- and
maybe by next week,
I'll have Bobby
cheered up for you.
Cheer up.

Is that funny?

You know, they don't wear--
bears don't wear pants.
They don't have
sissy-looking white pants.
They just wear hats.

[THEME MUSIC]