05x13 - The Truth About Aunt Ruth

[bunniefuu]

-Welcome to "Bobby's
World," and today's
show is all about Aunt Ruth.

-OK, bye.

-Where you going, Bobby?

-You just said today's show
is all about Aunt Ruth.
-Yeah, but you're in it, too.

-But I made other plans.

-When?

-When you told me today's
show is all about Aunt Ruth.
-But that was just a second ago.

-Well, they weren't big plans.

I'm done with them.

Let's start the show now.

[THEME MUSIC]

HOWARD: Let's get a
move on, everybody.
MARTHA: Yeah, you kids
heard your father.
Shake a dog leg there now.

-Kelly.

Derek.

Bobby, let's go.

We're wasting quality
family fun time.
-Yay, we're going
to the new zoo.
-Out of the way, shrimp.

-Ah.

-Swell, spending the
entire day with my family.
Ugh, like if that isn't
a full-on dry heave.
-Is a dry heave a good thing?

Yeah, great.

Uncle Ted's here.

Hey, Uncle Ted.

-Hey, Bob-O. Know
what time it is?
-[IN UNISON] Time for noogies.

-Good one, Uncle Ted.

RUTH: Oh, Ted.

Stop with the noogies.

-Ah!

Aunt Ruth.

-You're such a cute, little boy.

Yes, you are.

-Thank you, Aunt Ruth.

-Well, it's just so
good to see you, Bobby.
-You're just such a ray of
sunshine after all the things
that have gone wrong today.

Well, first my car broke down.

Then, I was late
to the hairdresser.
And then, I had to drive
over here with Ted.
-Hey, want to see something
really neat, Bob-O?
Get a load of these great
custom horns I'm selling.
Oh, I got a great deal on them.

[HONKING HORN]

-My turkey!

-Whoops, that's a bird dropping.

-Can I get one of those
horns for my bike.
-If one more thing
goes wrong today,
I'm going to go to pieces.

I just know it.

-Go to pieces?

-Take it easy there, Ruthie.

-I was up all night
roasting the turkey.
TED: Now, come on.

Don't worry, Ruthie.

Lunch is on me.

And we can pick out our junk
food at the lunch stand.
-Yay.

This is going to
be a perfect day.
-Right, Bob-O. It's going
to be a perfect day.
-Quit kicking the back
of my seat, dweeb.
I warned you.

You do it again
and I'll personally
ruin your perfect day.

What do you think about that?

-I know you, but what am I?

Sometimes kids just
got to say something.
-Yeah.

Well, maybe Mom and Dad will
forget and leave you behind,
then you'd end up living in
the zoo with the wild animals
where you belong.

-Live in the zoo?

That might be OK, if I can make
the wild animals not so wild.
TED: Oh, these [INAUDIBLE]
are really wild.
-Now, now, dear Uncle Ted.

Have you forgotten that
I am Dr. Bobby Doolittle?
That I, who talks
to the animals.
I am Dr. Bobby Doolittle.

Welcome to "Animal
Talk," the show
that lets animals
solve their problems.
All right, who would
like to talk first?
-We come from
dysfunctional families that
have low- self-esteem, so we
act like wild and crazy jerks.
What can we do to
feel better right now?
-There is one sure way,
and that's noogies.
By Jove, they've got it!

You see, noogies hath charms
to soothe the wild beast.
I'm telling you, folks.

It always works for me.

TED: Yep, we're having fun now.

Look, Bob-O, the zoo!

-This is the start
of my perfect day.
We're here because we're
here because we're here
because we're here
because we're here.
Come on, everybody.

Sing.

Never mind.

-Like we have been waiting in
this stupid line for an hour.
Who's idea was it to come
to this lame zoo anyway?
-What's important
here is we're trying
to spend some time
together as a family.
-Yeah.

Family, right, hun.

But next time,
let's say we do it
where they have
some shade trees.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]

-[INAUDIBLE] grumbling.

I've had the worst
day of everybody,
and you don't see
me complaining.
The secret to a happy
life is positive thinking.
Isn't that right, Bobby?

-Gee, Aunt Ruth,
your breath smells
like the stuff
between Roger's toes.
-Ah, that's it.

That's the capper on my day.

I'm going home.

-What happened?

-Well, there goes the
day at the zoo, Howard.
We're going to have to drive
her home, don't you know?
-Yeah, Bobby, told Ruthie
about her, uh-- you know, her,
uh, bad breath.

-Way to go, dweeb.

-Like smooth move, Bobby.

-Why is everybody so mad?

All I did was tell the truth.

[SOBBING]

-What did I do?

-Oh, how could
Bobby have said such
a gee-golly thing to Aunt Ruth?

Oh, where did we
go wrong, Howard?
-But Mom, all I did was--

HOWARD: Not another word
out of you, young man.
As soon as we get home, you're
going directly to your room,
and stay there.

-But all I did was
tell the truth.
-This isn't fair.

How can Dad make
me go to my room
for telling the
truth when Dad always
says I'm supposed
to tell the truth?
Grownups are crazy, Roger.

Know what?

I think the world
would be a really good
place if all it
had in it was kids.
-Now that you've successfully
completed your missions
to Mars, what are your
plans, President Bobby?
-Return to Earth immediately,
Vice President Roger.
Make it so.

-Roger!

-President Bobby, as your
secretary of defense,
I can guarantee no grownups
tried to sneak back
into the country
while you were gone.
[GROWLING]

-That's OK, Roger.

Uncle Ted doesn't count.

I mean, real grownups, you know?

Like moms and dads.

Good.

Now, patch me through
to the Oval Office.
I want to speak to Uncle
Ted, the Secretary of Food.
How are things on the
nutrition front, Uncle Ted?
-A-OK, Bob-O. The
kids in Congress
just passed your
food legislation.
The four official food groups
are now chocolate, ice cream,
cookies, and anything
nacho flavored.
-Yay!

-Hi, Mr. President, your
Secretary of Truth here.
I took care of enacting
your new lying policy.
From now on when any
kid tells the truth,
they won't get in
trouble for it.
-Hey, Bob-O, too bad about
them sending you to your room.
That's always a bummer.

Oh, come on, don't
let it get you down.
You're going to have
a great time tomorrow.
I'm going to take you
to see the world's
largest ball of ear wax.

It's going to be on display
at the grand opening
of Sid's Freaks and Fajitas.

-Oh.

-Yeah, I know.

Old Ruthie really has a way of
punching a hole in a guy's day,
doesn't she?

But I got to tell you, Bob-O,
this is nothing compared
to some of the stuff she used
to do to me when we were kids.
Pulling my hair, giving me
pink bellies, making me kiss
her frogs.

-Kiss her frogs?

-Bobby, your mother
and I want to talk you
about the situation
with Aunt Ruth.
-But why is there a [INAUDIBLE]?

I didn't do anything wrong.

Honest, I didn't.

Her breath really did smell like
the stuff between Roger's toes.
All I did was tell the truth.

-Oh, there now, my
third to the youngest.
I see the problem here.

Now, you think you're always
supposed to tell the truth when
the truth is that sometimes
if you know that telling
the gee-golly truth will
hurt somebody's feelings.
Well, then what you do is you
don't tell the gee-golly truth.
What you do is find a
way to kind of-- well,
you just get around it by
just not saying [INAUDIBLE].
-Did you ever notice
the smaller the crime,
the bigger the explanation?

-So my little man,
do you understand
what I'm saying about
telling the truth?
-No.

-Welcome to another edition of
"To Tell The Truth [Or Not]."
And here's tonight victim.

Oh, uh, I mean,
contestant, Bobby Generic.
-That's "Gen-er-ic."

[BUZZ]

-Uh-oh, Bobby.

You told the truth.

That's going to cost you.

-Wait a minute.

No fair.

HOST: Hey, you should be
used to this kind of stuff.
You got zapped for telling the
truth about your Aunt Ruth,
didn't ya?

-Yes.

[BUZZ]

-Oh, again.

He told the truth.

You know what that means?

AUDIENCE: Zap him.

Zap him.

Zap him.

Zap him.

Zap him.

Zap him.

Zap him.

-Wait a minute.

MARTHA: Well, [INAUDIBLE].

I think that pretty
much gives you
the picture on knowing exactly
when to tell the truth there.
All that's left is for you
to go apologize to Aunt Ruth.
And I can drive you over there
right now, don't you know?
BOBBY: Aunt Ruth.

-Oh, for crying in the
mud, Bobby, pipe down.
OK, we're at here
homestead, Aunt Ruth's.
And it's time for
you to apologize.
-And so, and so, and so
Mom said I was supposed
to tell you I'm
sorry, and so I am.
-And that's it?

That's all you have to say?

-Uh-huh.

Is there something bad
going to happen now?
Are you still mad?

-Mad?

How could I be mad?

That was the nicest apology.

Why, you're just the
sweetest little boy
in the whole world is all.

Martha, now that Bobby and
I are getting along so well,
what say you let him spend
the afternoon with me?
Ooh, even better, he
can spend the night.
-Well, by socks and willikers,
that will be just great, Ruth.
That way, you two can really
get to know each other,
don't you know?

And I'll be back later with
his little [INAUDIBLE].
-What did I do wrong?

[PHONE RINGING]

BOBBY [ON PHONE]: Hello?

TED: Hey, Bob-O. I
just heard about you
getting marooned
over at Ruthie's.
Ooh, that's a tough break, kid.

But just keep thinking
about tomorrow
and Sid's grand opening, huh?

I'll be over there to bail you
out first thing in the morning.
BOBBY [ON PHONE]:
Thanks, Uncle Ted.
TED [ON PHONE]: No problem.

Hey, don't worry, Buddy.

Ruthie is a wierdo,
but it isn't like she's
going to cook you and
eat you, or anything.
-Oh, OK.

Bye.

RUTH: Oh, this is my lucky day.

Look what I found.

BOBBY [ON PHONE]:
What-- what do you need
such a, big, big
pot for, Aunt Ruth?
RUTH: Because I'm
going to cook, Bobby.
I'm going to cook
something really big.
-Something really big?

TED: Oh, it's not like she's
going to cook you and eat you,
or anything.

RUTH: And just
wait until you hear
what it is I'm going to cook.

-Me?

-Oh, don't be silly.

No.

-Phew.

-I'm making a big batch
of liver and turnip stew.
There now, feel better?

-Yes, but not much.

-Ooh, Bobby.

You're in for a treat today.

You're going to get
to help me chop up
lots and lots of
liver and turnips.
Saturday is the day
I set aside to cook
with the less fortunate.

-They'd be more
fortunate if she didn't
make them eat liver and turnips.

-Oh, dear me.

Oh, dear me, they've got
to be here somewhere.
Now, where are my sour ba*ls?

They are the secret ingredient
that makes my stew really sing.
Oh.

Oh, yes.

I remember.

They're way in the back
of the lower cabinet.
Be a good boy and
find them for me.
-Way-- way in the back?

Oh, OK.

-We have been here for
the last 10 minutes
watching Bobby
the Explorer as he
and Captain Squash
attempt to retrieve
the magical sour ba*ls.

They are the only
ones brave enough
to reach them by climbing Mt.

Colander.

-Careful, Bobby.

You don't want to
strain yourself.
-Ah!

-Hang on, Bobby.

-I got an idea, Captain Squash.

Swing.

Swing me over to the egg beater.

-That's using your
noodle, Explorer Bobby.
-Explorer Bobby is a genius.

They're right over the
jar of magic sour ba*ls.
Uh-oh, there's a problem.

That's the egg beater
that always jams.
-Uh-oh, are we in trouble now?

-Not me, Bobby.

I can fly.

-Oh no, he broke the
magical sour ba*ls.
RUTH: Bobby, are you all right?

-Yeah.

Are you going to scold me?

RUTH: Well, of course not.

Things break all the time.

-Does that mean we're not
going to have to make the stew.
-Oh no, I would never
disappoint you like that.
I know how much you're looking
forward to a nice, big bowl
full of turnips and
liver for dinner.
That's why we're going
down to the mall right
now to buy some more sour ba*ls.

Oh, you're just so cute, Bobby.

--[INAUDIBLE] Aunt
Ruth think your cute
sure must make your face sweaty.

There really are a lot of
people in here, Aunt Ruth.
-Well, I have just never seen
crowds like this at the mall.
-Aunt Ruth.

Aunt Ruth.

Aunt Ruth.

-Oh, you poor little thing.

Don't you worry, sweetie.

You're going to be all right.

You're with your Aunt Ruth.

Now, tuck in and stay close.

Excuse us.

Coming through.

Move it.

Move it out.

Here we go.

Out of my way.

-This is great.

[GRUNTING]

This is fun.

-Give me that.

-Aunt Ruth, he's trying
to get your purse.
-Well, trying isn't
getting, is it?
Yes.

-That's my Aunt
Ruth, yes-sirree.
That's my Aunt Ruth.

-Just goes to show you,
youngster, crime doesn't pay.
-[INAUDIBLE].

-Oh, yeah. [INAUDIBLE]
better myself.
-Oh, don't kid a kidder.

Sure, you could be the best.

-No, no, no.

You're the best.

-No, yes you are.

You are.

-You, you, you.

BOBBY: That was
amazing, Aunt Ruth.
It was great.

How'd you know how
to do all that stuff?
-Oh, well, Bobby,
the truth is I used
to be Madame Amazing, the first
professional female wrestler
there ever was.

-Wow.

Do you know more
stuff like that that
would work on
somebody like Derek?
Will you show me how to do it?

Will you?

Will you?

RUTH: And this is a picture of
me with Bambi the Bone Crusher.
And she thought she
was such hot stuff.
Well, I showed her.

Took her three falls out of
four in under six seconds.
-Wow.

-Ooh, and this is
me on the night
I won the world championship.

Oh, I'll never
forget that match.
Yes, indeedy.

I was up against the
best, Bertha Scotnick.
BOBBY: Wow, she was really big.

RUTH: That's why they
called her Big Bertha.
Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

-Gee, Aunt Ruth.

You think you can show me how
to do some of that stuff, huh?
-Oh, sure, sweetie.

It's as easy as pie.

OK, put your arm around
the neck like this.
And you have to make the noise.

-Ow.

Ow.

-Put him on the back.

-Boy, Aunt Ruth.

This is really fun.

[PHONE RINGING]

I'll get it.

Hello?

-Hey, Bob-O. Just
calling to cheer you up.
I know what a terrible
time you're having.
-Well, not really.

Aunt Ruth and I are--

-Don't worry, I'll be there
first thing in the morning
to pick you up for
Sid's grand opening.
-Um, Uncle Ted, could you
maybe come in the afternoon?
I kind of want to stay
at Aunt Ruth's longer.
I'm having fun.

-You're what?

Hey, Bob-O, is she
making you say that?
Is she twisting your arm?

-Yes.

How did he know?

TED [ON PHONE]: That does it.

I'm coming right over.

-OK.

I got in trouble with
Aunt Ruth because I
told her the truth
when she didn't ask me.
Now Uncle Ted's
mad because I told
him the truth when
he did ask me.
Boy, this truth stuff is
really hard to figure out.
Oh, ow.

RUTH: Put him on the mat.

-Well, Bobby, I think we
learned a real important lesson
on today's show.

-What's that?

-That no matter how much we
think we know other people,
there's always something
about them that we don't know.
-I bet I know
something about you.
-What's that?

-You love to dance
to merengue music.
-Uh, how do you know that?

-Never mind.

Hit it, Felipe.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[THEME MUSIC]