06x01 - Bobby On-Line

[bunniefuu]

-Well, Bobby.

It's time to start the show.

THEY: A stitch in
time saves nine.
-Sure is.

-Then who are they?

-Oh, them.

THEY: Children should
be seen and not heard.
-That's "they."

-What?

BOBBY: "They."

They're just there
to say things.
-What are you talking about?

THEY: A rolling stone
gathers no moss.
-Well, you know what "they" say?

-What?

It's time to start the show.

[THEME MUSIC]

BOBBY: My momma says that
life is like a box of cereal.
Sometimes, there's
a prize inside,
and sometimes, it's just
a bunch of bran flakes.
-You're cute when you're
melancholy, Bobby.
-Cute is as cute does, Jackie.

-Why the long face and the
suitcase full of foliage?
Are you leaving, Bobby?

-My momma says that other folk's
business is like a dirty sock.
You should never
stick your nose in it.
-I'll kiss you if
you don't tell me.
-It all started the day Dad
brought home the new computer.
-I've got great news, everyone.

The Generics are
about to go where
no Generic has gone before.

-Cool.

Can I bring my
boyfriend, George?
-I'm talking about the future,
Kelly, the 21st century.
I'm talking about
a state of the art,
cutting edge, fully
equipped, brand new computer.
-A computer.

Oh boy.

-Rad.

Does it have a CD-ROM?

-OK.

So, like, does that have
an auto-phone dialer?
-I just hope it gets the
Big-Haired Psychics Network.
I heard that thing
can be a lot of fun.
-Oh boy.

We got a computer.

We got a computer.

We got a computer.

What's a computer
do exactly, Dad?
-Well, it's a-- uh, uh-- a
machine that thinks fast.
That's what it is.

UNCLE TED: Oh, everything's
done by computers these days,
Bob-O. You know computers
control the world now.
-Controls for the world.

The world control.

Jackie.

Jackie.

Let's make a snowman.

-But it's summer, Bobby.

-I don't think so, Jackie.

UNCLE TED: Sorry, Bob-O.
This anchovy aspic
is a little tough to control.

Whoops.

Oh, gooey noogie time.

Mm.

Good.

-I tell you, Martha.

This computer has
absolutely everything.
I can use it to keep up with
the fast-paced world of pants
right here in my own home.

It may take a while to
actually use it though.
There is some assembly required.

-Oh no.

When dads say some
assembly required,
that always means
that you're going
to have to wait a
really long time.
-I'll help you, Howard.

-Like forever.

-I know my way
around this stuff.
You know I was a copy
machine repairman for a day.
Let's see.

Let me take a look at
these instructions.
This'll be a snap.

Parlez vous-- no,
let's see here.
No here.

Ich bin meine eier.

What?

No.

This could take a while.

You know, we better take
an anchovy sandwich break.
What do you think?

You know there's a thousand ways
you can cook anchovies, Howard.
You can boil them.

You can fry them.

You can steam them.

You can fricassee them.

You can eat them out of the can.

You can--

[SNORING]

-Is it sembled yet?

If it isn't, can we
just call somebody
who knows how to do it?

-You can put them on a tiny--

-Don't worry, Bobby.

I was just about to turn it on.

-Have you two been
working all night?
-Kelly, Derek, the
computer is sembled,
and Dad's about to turn it on.

-Generics, meet the
Whippity Smart 9000.
The state of the art,
leading edge of technology,
gateway to the future.

It has megabytes.

It has music.

It has art.

It has games, film
clips, pictures.
It can put you in
contact with people
almost any place in
the entire world.
What you see before
you, my loving family
is the dawn of a new age.

-Wow.

A new age.

HOWARD [VOICEOVER]: Stand
away from the computer.
I said stand away
from the computer.
-But Dad.

All I wanted to do was--

-I might as well lay out
the rules right now, son.
This computer is full
of games and fun stuff.
But it is not a toy.

MARTHA: Oh, honey.

I think we just all need to
remember that the reason we
have this gee-golly
wonder of the world
is so your father can keep
up with that fast-paced world
of pants.

-Oh.

-Oh, oh.

Just a sec, Howard.

This Viking Cooking
Network is just
the gee-golly pickled
purchased pajamas is all.
-Be with you in a minute, Dad.

I'm tapped into this
skateboard online network.
-Excuse me.

Can you not see that
I am interfacing
with the totally cool
Virtual Mall Network.
-Let's see here.

How do you turn this thing on?

I got no idea.

What does it say?

-Now, see, hun.

You move the arrow to
the space you want,
and click this little
button, don't you know.
Now, now, rein it in there,
for goodness sakes, Bobby.
-This is great.

This is the most
funniest thing I ever
learned since hide
and seek, America's
number one most favorite game.

-Well, that's just great, hun.

Now, you be good
while I get the phone.
-Does this count as alone?

Mom's right in the next room.

COMPUTER VOICE:
Play with me, Bobby.
Play with me.

Play with me, Bobby.

Play with me.

-Oh, don't even think about it.

You made the right
decision, Howard.
This computer is a real
center cut of ground round.
You know, right now, Bobby
and I are just whizzing down
the information
superhighway, don't you know.
-Information superhighway?

-Play with me, Bobby.

-Let's load 'em up, good buddy.

-Ten four, good buddy Bobby.

-We are really good buddies.

-I smell trouble,
good buddy Bobby.
-That's just anchovies.

It'll pass.

-We're losing
power, buddy Bobby.
-Hey, look.

The Megabyte Diner.

-Looks like it's time to put
the pooter in hard drive.
[POLICE SIREN]

-Bobby Generic, what do you
think you're doing, young man?
JACKIE [VOICEOVER]: There you
were, Bobby, speeding down
the information
superhighway when
your dad caught you
using the computer.
What happened then?

How much trouble
did you get into?
-Like my momma
always says, trouble
is like a bean bag chair.

It's a lot easier to get into
than it is to get out of.
MARTHA: From now on, that
computer is rated h*, Mr. Man.
Hands off.

-Don't even think about
touching the computer
unless either Mom is with
you or I am with you.
OK.

-OK.

-Remember, son.

I didn't buy this
thing as a toy.
It's connected to
the real world.
It's here to help me keep up
with the fast moving world
of pants.

-I'm glad you have something to
help keep your pants up, Dad.
-Oh, hun, he's just
so gee-golly cute.
-Whew.

Speaking of pants,
honey, maybe I
can finally get some work
done on the computer now.
-Ah, Ted.

-Oh.

Oh, sorry, Howard.

I'm playing this great game,
Where on Earth is Gary Indiana.
Just give me two secs
to save the world here.
Gotcha.

Gotcha.

I got you back.

-Wow.

A whole anchovy sandwich.

Mm mm.

I wonder who's it is.

Ah, I give up.

-Where on earth is Gary Anchovy.

Oh boy.

I need a break.

How do you pause this thing?

-What?

What?

What am I doing?

-I wonder why
everybody sleeps late
on Saturday, the
funnest day of the week.
-I need anchovies,
or maybe a nap.
You know we should
get a bed in here.
Or a big can of anchovies.

I don't know.

-How can I sleep
late when I can't
tell what time it is anyway?

UNCLE TED: Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, that's a pain.

Oh boy.

-Uncle Ted's up.

Uncle Ted's up.

Oh boy.

[BEEPING]

COMPUTER VOICE:
Push any button now
or the world will be
destroyed in 10 seconds.
-I'm not supposed to
touch the computer
unless Mom or Dad is with me.

COMPUTER VOICE: 10,
nine, eight, seven, six--
-Ah!

Uh-oh.

It's counting.

It must be really mad.

I've got to save the world.

UNCLE TED: h*!

Welcome to w*r Search.

I'm General Ted McMann.

h*!

The world's most treacherous
spy, Gary Indiana,
has hidden rocket-powered
stink bombs in strategic spots
all over the world.

h*!

Your job, Bobby Generic, is
to find those stink bombs
and disarm them.

And here's your
first destination.
-Um, my dusty nation?

KELLY: Bobby, like, what
exactly are you doing?
-Nothing.

-OK.

Like have you been
in the kitchen?
What is wrong with Uncle Ted?

-Nothing.

[SNORING]

-I'm up.

I'm up.

-My dusty nation.

I got to find out
what's my dusty nation.
This is worse than the mall.

I will never find Gary Indiana.

I'm looking for Gary Indiana,
so I can save the world.
-I was expecting your Uncle Ted.

-I'm the man from Uncle Ted.

-Gary Indiana has gone
to the Great Pyramids.
-The Great Pyramids?

-I've already set
the stink b*mb.
You're too late, Bobby Generic.

-It is Generic.

Darn you, Gary Indiana.

MARTHA: Oh.

Oh.

For crying nurses of
mercy, somebody call 9-1-1.
Ted is un-gee-golly-conscious.

KELLY: Ugh.

Yuck.

He's just sleeping
in his sandwich, Mom.
-Whew

MARTHA: Oh, well.

That's a knee-slapping
eye opener.
-Bobby, are you up, hun?

-No.

I'm sleepwalking.

COMPUTER VOICE: Move on
to another destination now
or the world will be destroyed
in 10, nine, eight, seven,
six, five, four,
three, two, one.
MARTHA: Bobby, honey, did you
brush your pearly whites yet?
-Uh-huh.

MARTHA: Even the back back ones?

-Uh-huh.

Leave it to moms to
worry about your teeth
when the world is
coming to an end.
COMPUTER VOICE: Your next
destination is Paris, France.
-Pardon, pardon,
pardon, excusez-moi,
excusez-moi,
excusez-moi, pardon.
[BURP]

-Pardon me, but
did your dogs bark?
[BURP]

-Hey, buddy.

Lighten up on the wieners, huh.

-Sorry, Pierre.

I, uh, didn't have
any breakfast.
These French can really cook.

OK.

Gary Indiana is heading
for the Eiffel Tower.
-The Awful Tower?

Where is that?

-The highest spot in Paris.

And hurry.

You got to stop
him before he sets
the timers on all
the stink bombs.
BOBBY: The Awful Tower.

Now, I know why
they call it awful.
Don't touch that dial.

-I am in control now.

One more really
stinky stink b*mb,
and the world will be destroyed.

-Neat coat.

Where does he get
all those cool toys?
MARTHA: Bobby, get in
here right now, Mr. Man.
See.

I'm heating up the
griddle for some delicious
fiber cakes and imitation bacon.

COMPUTER VOICE: Move on to
your next destination now.
Or the world will
be destroyed in 10,
nine, eight, seven, six, five--

-But you can't
destroy the world.
We haven't even
had breakfast yet.
-Is this computer story based
on actual events, Bobby?
-Honest is as
honest does, Jackie.
My momma always says that
truth is like chewing gum.
You can only stretch
it so far, then
it's going to break and get all
mushed in your gee-golly hair.
-I got-- I got to
save the world.
I got to save the world.

If you're going to catch a spy,
you've got to dress like a spy.
By golly, everyone
wears spy clothes here.
UNCLE TED: Pardon me, would
you have any Anchovy Poupon?
Gary Indiana is
headed for Big Ben
to set the final
stink b*mb timer.
-Big Ben?

You mean the bully in
Miss Schlipman's class?
-No.

I mean Big Ben, the clock.

-I've done it.

The timers are set
to go off at 12:00.
-Give it up, Generic.

-That's Generic.

But I don't even know
how to tell time.
MARTHA: Bobby
Generic, it's time.
Time for your gee-golly
breakfast, Mr. Mansy Pants.
-If I go to the breakfast,
the world will come to an end.
But if I don't, Mom will
find out I'm on the computer.
MARTHA: After all,
breakfast is the most
important meal of the day.

I'm counting to ten.

One, two, three, four--

-Oh no.

She's counting.

If tell them now, then
Mom and Dad will find out.
But if I don't--

-Pass the sugar-free
syrup dweeb.
---they won't find out anything,
and the world will end.
But then-- but if
I do, maybe Mom
will know how to save the world.

MARTHA: Bobby, do you want
my fabulous fiber flapjacks
or my crispy oat bran waffle
cakes, don't you know?
-How can she talk about fiber
when the world is about to end?
MARTHA: Bobby, honey?

What do you want for
breakfast there, now, yet?
-I don't want breakfast.

The world is coming to end.

It's the end of the world.

What's going to happen now?

-All of the toy stores
are closed down.
Toys have been outlawed.

It's the end of the
world, don't you know now.
MARTHA: Look.

Bobby, the ice
cream store is open.
-End of the world.

We're down to one
flavor, asparagus whip.
Sorry, son.

-Ew.

-Oh, Bobby.

I meant to tell you.

Dad and I need for you to share
a room with Derek from now on.
-Derek?

-We'll have loads of fun, dork.

HOWARD: I'm giving up pants.

I'm going into dresses.

-Sorry, Robert.

No time for noogies.

Got to go to work.

-No time for noogies?

It really is the
end of the world.
MARTHA: What in the
heck and gone world
has gotten your shorts in
such a twist, young man?
Now, just tell your old
mom what's going on here.
-Mom, Mom, the world is
going to be destroyed
because Gary Indiana
has stink bombs.
And, and, and I don't
know how to tell time.
-Oh, Bobby, hun.

The world's not
coming to an end.
You're just playing
a computer game.
-The world's not coming to end?

-Well, not until that
father of yours finds out
you were playing
with the computer.
-So Bobby, I guess you
learned your lesson
that when your parents
say don't touch something
they probably know what
they're talking about.
But why the sad song now?

-It's the same song.

Second verse.

When I was playing on the
information superhighway,
I, accidentally
ordered a few things
that the rest of the
family had been using.
-What the--

-Hi.

I'm Wanda Pandora from the
Big-Haired Psychics Network.
Might you be Ted?

-Ah!

-Like my momma
always says, life is
like stubbing your
gee-golly toe.
It can really make you holler.

-Well, thanks.

That was our show.

Bye.

-Wait.

I prepared a poem.

-But we only have about
20 seconds left, Bobby.
-It's an important poem.

I'll try to hurry.

-Well, can I stop you?

-No.

-Then go ahead, but hurry.

-These are words of wisdom.

The one rule of life.

I know it even now though
I'm only almost five.
If you follow this, everything
will always be fine.
Uh-oh.

I'm really sorry.

I must be out of time.

[SINGING] This is a short song
about a world without moms.