06x03 - Hooked on Caps

[bunniefuu]

-Hi, everybody.

I'm Howie Mandel.

This is Bobby Generic.

And welcome to "Bobby's World."

-That's my line.

-What?

-Welcome to "Bobby's World."

-Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, we've got a great
show for you today.
BOBBY: That's my line.

-What?

-We have a great
show for you today.
-OK, Mr. Smarty Pants.

You tell me what to do.

-Uh.

Dance for the people.

[CRASH]

Hey, that's my dance.

[THEME MUSIC]

-Ruff.

Ruff.

We're being invaded
by green space slop.
And it tastes like pees.

Mom, the twins are
throwing their food again.
-Well, for the love
of lagoon, Bobby hun,
why don't you go out
and play in the backyard
until I finish feeding your
gee-golly little brothers there
now, yet?

DEREK: All right.

Yeah.

I told you I could
beat you losers.
-OK, Mom.

Come on, Roger.

Let's go play with Derek.

-Two, three, four, five.

You flip six of them.

-Hey, Derek, what are you doing?

Can I play?

-Go away, dweeb.

This is just for
me and my friends.
-I could be a friend.

-No, you can't.

You're my brother.

Now, get lost.

-I'm in my own yard.

How can I get lost?

-Go fly a kite, Bobby.

-I don't have a kite.

-Take a long walk
off a short pier.
-I can't.

I'm not allowed to
cross the street.
-Then, just go climb a tree.

-That's what I like
about big brothers.
They have so may great ideas.

I still can't see.

What are they doing?

[TARZAN YELL]

[HOWLING]

-Thanks a lot, dweeb.

You just ruined the best
caps game of my life.
-Wow.

Caps.

That sounds like fun.

I want to play too.

Can I play caps with you, Derek.

Can I?

Can I?

-No way.

You don't know the first
thing about playing this game.
-Oh yeah.

I do to.

I know the first thing
and the last thing.
And all the things in between.

-Do not.

-Do to.

-Do not.

-Do to.

Do to.

Do to.

Did you ever notice that
the less you know how
to do something, the more
you have to say you do?
-OK, shrimp.

Prove it.

-Well, uh, you pick up the ball.

-There's no ball.

It's a slammer, dweeb.

-I wasn't finished yet, OK.

You pick up the slammer.

Then you, uh--

-You don't even
know that you use
the slammer to hit
the caps, do you?
-I was going to say that next.

See, I do to know how to play.

-Forget it, Bobby.

Come back when you're
big enough to play
with something
besides your food.
-Oh, Derek.

Looky.

I've got all your caps.

-You give me back
those caps now, dweeb.
Those are my special collection
of Secret Agent caps.
-Wow.

Secret Agent caps.

The name is Bond, Bobby Bond.

Well, it looks like the
Slaminantor has found me.
DEREK: Hold it right there.

These are my special caps.

I don't want your
dweeb cooties on them.
ALL: Bobby's got dweeb cooties.

Bobby's got dweeb cooties.

Bobby's got dweeb cooties.

Bobby's got dweeb cooties.

-Yeah.

Well, well, who wants to
play with you guys anyway?
-Freeze, dweeb.

-Uh-oh.

-Let's see you do that again.

-OK.

ALL: Whoa.

-Uh-oh.

Am I in trouble?

Am I in trouble?

-In trouble?

No.

I hate to say it, dweeb.

But that was a great shot.

You're a champion.

-I-- I am.

-Yeah, you're a natural.

-I'm a natural.

DEREK: Come, Bobby.

Fire it in there.

Slamming time.

CROWD: Bobby!

Bobby!

Bobby!

Bobby!

Bobby!

-Wow.

I'm real good at this.

DEREK: OK, shrimp.

Listen up.

From here on out, I'm
going to be nice to you,
because you're good at caps.

And that could pay
off big time for me.
In fact, I'm going to
be so nice that I'm
going to be your manager.

-Gee.

Thanks, Derek.

I don't know what
a manager is, but I
think I'm going to like it.

-All right.

Step right up.

This way.

Who wants to take on my super
slamming little brother?
I got to admit it, dweeb.

You're the prince of caps.

Nah.

Forget it.

You're not the prince.

-I'm not?

-No.

You're the king.

-I'm the king.

I'm not the prince.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
please put your hands together
for the boy formally
known as Prince.
-Yo.

You know, once I was the prince.

But, but, baby, now, don't
you know, yeah, get down.
Now, I'm the king.

DEREK: You're the greatest.

You're the best there
ever was, squirt.
-And you're the best
big brother manager
that a little brother ever had.

And I still don't know
what a manager is.
But Derek's the best.

-Which reminds me.

This is for you.

Ten caps.

-What about the rest?

-The rest is our stake.

As manager, I get
all the stake caps.
Understand?

-No.

-OK.

OK.

OK.

Then from here on out,
we'll split everything.
90% for me.

10% for you.

Fair enough?

-Sounds fair.

It's the least I can do.

After all, you and I
are best friends now.
-Yeah.

Best friends.

[SINGING] There really is no
other like my big brother.
Him and me will always
be a pal to one another.
I used to feel rejected.

Now, I get respected.

Derek is my best friend.

SINGERS: There There really is
no other like his big brother.
It's plain to see that him and
he were meant for one another.
It's truly undisputed.

It's so nice to be included.

Derek, he's my best friend.

-[SINGING] He'll take
me everywhere he goes.
To the mall, the rides,
and the big kid shows.
When I do something bad,
he'll take the blame
and save my name.

SINGERS: There really is no
other like his big brother.
It's plain to see that him and
he were made for one another.
It's really no illusion.

There's only one conclusion.

Derek, he's my best friend.

It's truly undisputed.

It's so nice be included.

Derek, he's my best friend.

Oh, pinch me.

I must be dreaming.

Ow.

-Well, got to go, Bobby.

You stay here and practice.

We've got a lot of
games to win, bro.
-I'm having a
terrific day, Roger.
I'm a champ.

I have ten caps of my very own.

And Derek just called me a bro.

Isn't that great?

Let's go tell, Jackie.

-Hi, Bobby.

Want to play caps?

-I don't know.

-Come on, Bobby.

It's just a friendly game.

-OK.

But I got to warn you.

I'm a natural.

-I'm a natural
too, but I've been
practicing five
hours a day, Bobby.
My mother says
that talent is 90%
perspiration and 10% deodorant.

Sorry, Bobby.

Just wasn't your game.

Like my mother says--

-Jackie, you and your mother
watch too much television.
I've lost all my caps.

Now, I'm not the
champ, and Derek's not
going to want to be my
best friend anymore.
What am I going to do?

[BARK]

-That's right, Roger.

Derek has plenty of caps.

I'll borrow some of his and
win back the ones I just lost,
and I'll be a champion again.

And Derek will still
be my best friend.
Uh-oh, Roger.

Kelly and Mom are watching TV.

I've got to get past them
and get into Derek's room
without them seeing me.

KELLY: Whoa.

Like, that cat burglar
is totally fine.
MARTHA: Well, gee-golly
pachyderms, he's coming down
that ceiling like a
spider, don't you know.
-Yeah.

Just like a spider.

The burglar alarm
hasn't been made
that can't be cracked by
Bobby the Spider bandit.
Thanks, Webbly.

I owe you one.

[BARKING]

-Shh.

Roger, we don't want anybody
to know we're in here.
We got to make a clean getaway.

-I see you're back, Bobby.

-Well, sorry, Jackie.

I'm going to have to
win back all my caps.
-OK.

Sure.

Losers first.

JACKIE: Too bad, Bobby.

Now, remember what
I'm about to do
has nothing to do
with our relationship.
It's just a game.

Ya, ya, hi-ya.

-Oh no!

If Derek finds out
I lost all his caps,
he won't be friends with
me for the rest of my life.
Maybe even longer.

-Cheer up, Bobby.

There's always another game.

As a matter of
fact, my mother saw
one advertised on TV, a big
tournament this weekend.
You could--

-That's it.

I'll enter the tournament,
win back all of Derek's caps,
and we can still
be best friends.
I'll be the champ again.

You'll see.

I've got to start training
for that big tournament,
so I can win back
all of Derek's caps.
-I can help.

I'll be your trainer.

My mom saw a whole show on
personal trainers to the stars.
Usually, the place they
start is with liposuction.
-Hm.

Super personal trainers.

-Welcome to my superhero
training camp, Bobby.
Get set for the
50,000-yard dash.
And you call
yourself a superhero.
You can't even outrun
a speeding b*llet.
Drop and give me 20,000.

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

-Why am I doing this?

I'm only going to play
caps, not be a superhero.
But what if I don't win
the tournament, Jackie?
What if Derek finds
out the truth?
-I've got to practice.

-Family secrets come
out sooner or later.
Usually, between 3:00
and 4:00 on Oprah.
Everyone cries and yells.

But sometimes, you get
a movie deal out of it.
-If I don't win as many caps
back as I borrowed from Derek,
he won't ever be my
best friend again.
And Mom and Dad
will be mad at me.
And Kelly will think
I'm bad for taking
Derek's stuff
without permission.
[SIGH]

If I lose, Jackie,
it's going to be awful.
No one will like me, and I'll
be all alone in the world.
I don't need them.

I don't need anything.

Except Webbly.

I don't need anything in the
whole world, except Webbly.
And Teddy Bear.

Yeah.

That's all I need.

Webbly, Teddy Bear, and my
hockey stick, and a mask
is all I need in
the whole world.
And my favorite dust ball.

I need that.

And this.

I can't do without
this, whatever this is.
-Hey, that's mine.

Get a grip, Bobby.

-I wish I could be sure I was
going to win that tournament.
-There are no guarantees
in life, Bobby.
Except on infomercials,
of course.
-Jackie is starting to scare me.

-The truth is your
only friend, Bobby.
Tell your parents your story.

If you explain the
whole thing to them,
they'll probably understand.

They'll respect you,
because you told the truth.
-Yes.

And Mom and Dad
will probably want
to give me a reward
for telling the truth.
Mom, Mom.

I got to tell you something.

-Well, rein it in.

Rein it in.

Just a gee-golly card-playing
moment, there, young man.
Can't you see that your
father and I are playing cards
with the Hollins there now, yet.

-Queen of trumps.

I win.

Thank you very much, Martha.

-Oh, Howard.

We're down a 1,000 points.

Now, honey, what did
you want to tell mama?
-Well, Derek wouldn't
let me play caps.
Then, he discovered
I'm a natural
and that I wasn't a king, or
a prince, or even a natural,
and I lost all the caps.

So I borrowed Derek's,
but I lost them too.
And, and, and if I
don't win them back,
Derek's not going to be
my best friend anymore.
-Now, Bobby, it was
wrong of you to take
Derek's things without
his permission.
-I know.

But don't you want to give me
a reward for telling the truth?
-Now, listen here, Mr. Mansy.

Telling the gosh golly
truth is its own reward.
And it does not excuse
stealing, don't you know.
-You're going to
have to pay Derek
back for every cap you lost.

-Yeah, and I want you to
march up to Derek's room right
now and apologize to him.

-OK.

-Yeah.

And let that be a
lesson to you, hun.
Gambling just doesn't
pay, don't you know.
Howard, don't be a cheese log.

Ante up.

This is our chance to win
our gee-golly stake back.
-Sometimes, parents can
be very confusing people.
I hope Derek's
not too mad at me.
Because when he's mad,
he's like a monster.
-Don't leave.

Stay and have a bite to eat.

I'm having lunch with the
boy who stole my caps.
Say.

Wasn't that you?

[BURP] Yeah.

It was almost worth
losing all my caps,
so I could have such
a delicious snack.
[SCREAMING]

-Hey, dweeb.

Throw me the ball.

-D-Derek, I gotta-- I got
to tell you something.
-OK.

Hurry up.

I'm busy.

-I borrowed your caps.

And then I lost them.
But I'll pay you back.
I really will.

I just don't know how.

I'm sorry, Derek.

We can still be
friends, can't we?
-We might be able to
work something out.
First, swear that you'll never,
ever take anything from my room
without asking me first.

-I swear.

DEREK: Now, we
can talk about how
you're going to pay me back.

-Yeah.

OK.

I want to pay you back.

I'm going to give you anything
of mine that you want.
Anything.

-OK.

I'll just take your
hockey card collection.
-My hockey card collection?

-You said anything.

-OK.

Anything but my hockey
card collection.
-Then, I want your
stamp collection.
-No!

Not my stamp collection.

Anything but my
hockey card collection
and my stamp collection.

No!

That's my lucky yo-yo.

Anything but my hockey
card collection,
my stamp collection, or yo-yo.

Anything.

Anything.

Anything.

-It's mine.

It's mine.

You said it was mine, dweeb.

-Are we still best friends?

-Don't be stupid.

We're brothers.

-You give me back
my yo-yo right now.
Mom!

Mom.

Derek took my stuff.

Mom!

Mom!

-Ladies and gentlemen,
let's put our hands together
for our special
guest tonight, Fabio.
-Like this.

-Hey, thank you for
having me on the show.
I can't wait to see it.

-But it's already over.

-Oh.

OK.

Bye.

-Bye.

-I'm almost ready to power up.

Uh-oh.

Mom!

MARTHA: Hold up here.

For the-- Bobby,
what's going on here?
Bobby, maybe you should spend
some time with your father.