07x03 - Cooties

[bunniefuu]

-Here I am.

I'm Howie.

And there you are.

You're the audience.

Bobby's he's not here yet.

BOBBY: Yes, I am.

You should never lie.

-Where are you?

BOBBY: Right here
in the other room.
You told the audience
I'm not here.
-Well, you're not.

You're there.

BOBBY: No, you're there.

I'm here.

-Bobby.

-Like I said, I'm
here and you're there.
Can't wait any longer for
you, so start the show.
ANNOUNCER: We're down
to the final second
of the World Cup
Soccer Championship.
And the entire
world is watching.
But Bobby remains cool,
calm and collected.
-That's because I'm wearing
my brand new genuine official
recycled rubber soccer cleats.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

-Are you ready for some soccer.

ANNOUNCER: He shoots.

He scores.

Bobby wins.

CROWD: Bobby!

Bobby!

Bobby!

MARTHA: Well, hold still, Bobby.

This is just a gee-golly
disposable camera,
don't you know.

There, for Ansel
Adams' sake, now.
-What's with all the
picture taking, Bobby?
-I got a new soccer uniform.

-You look cute in
sportswear, Bobby.
MARTHA: Uh, whoopsy.

Will you look at
the time there now.
If we don't get a move on, we're
gonna miss the gee-golly game.
-Hey Jackie, wanna ask
your mom if you can come?
It'll be fun.

-Sure, Bobby.

I never could resist
a man in uniform.
-Might I comment
that those colors are
absolutely stunning
on you, Coach Meeker.
You are a definite Glamour "do."

-I was just about to
say the same thing
about you, Coach Snird?

Black and white is
so slimming on you.
-Oh, thank you.

Particularly vertical lines, hm?

And check out those gams.

-But that fact that we both
look good in knee socks
should go without saying.

But it doesn't.

No, no, no.

No sir-ee.

We call 'em like we see 'em.

-Could you see your way clear
to loan me a coin for the toss,
please?

-I took the toll-way, and then--

-And then I made that
long-distance call.
-Oh, here ya-- here's one.

It's a wheat penny, however.

You'll have to return
it, don't you know.
They're so rare.

-My word is my bond, madame.

Heads or wheat.

-Whole wheat.

KIDS: Yes!

BOBBY: Wheat!

-Since that was your wheat
penny that was lost, ma'am,
we rule that-- it
doesn't matter anyway.
No, sir.

But these rules do matter.

No kicking, batting,
charging, and no holding,
pushing, tripping.

Do not pass go.

Don't be cruel.

-Don't let the sun
catch you crying.
-Any questions?

-Soccer has the same rules as
the line at the water fountain.
[WHISTLE]

MEEKER: That means play ball.

-OK genuine recycled
rubber soccer cleats.
Let's fly.

JACKIE: Go, Bobby.

Go.

Way to go, Bobby.

But why isn't anyone
kicking the ball?
-You're supposed to-- you're
supposed to kick the ball?
KID: Get out of my way!

MEEKER: Oh, hello.

We seem to be one player short.

You have heard of
the soccer draft?
Substitution!

-But, uh, but I, uh--

-Bu-bu-bu-bu-but,
but, but, but, but.
Don't worry, little missy.

We'll lend you all the
equipment you need.
KID: Hey, pass it to me.

[WHISTLE]

-Score!

-Goal?

KIDS: Yay!

-OK, I'm ready to come back in.

I'm rested.

Send me in, coach.

I'm ready.

-I'm sorry, son, but for the
moment, you're on the bench.
But remember, Mr.
It is important
that the team recieve
good bench support.
-If they need support, why don't
they do what Aunt Ruth does
and buy really thick pantyhose.

MEEKER: And the game is over.

-Don't worry, Bobby.

It was your first game.

-It was your first game, too,
and you scored all the goals.
-Maybe.

But I'll never
look at cute as you
do in those knee socks, Bobby.

-Ugh.

Jackie kissed Bobby.

Bobby has cooties.

-But I said, yuck.

And I wiped it off.

-Doesn't matter.

you have cooties,
you have cooties.
KIDS: Bobby has cooties, Bobby
has cooties, Bobby has cooties.
-I'm not sure what
they are, but every kid
knows there's nothing worse
than catching the cooties.
MALE VOICE: Cootie infected.

No known cure.

-Nothing can hurt
Robo Security Guard.
MALE VOICE: Infection spreads.

-Cooties.

Ah!

AUDIENCE: Ah!

Cooties!

MALE VOICE: Day three.

Extreme cooties.

-The cooties seem
to be multiplying
at an alarming rate.

TELEVISION: Here's a
story about two cooties,
and each one had 4 million
cooties of its own.
-I want everything
in here washed.
Then I want it washed again.

With soap.

Uh-oh.

FEMALE VOICE: Cootie
contamination.
This area will be bug
bombed in 10, nine--
BOBBY: Ah!

MALE VOICE: Commence
bug bombing.
BOBBY: Ah!

-Can't run in this suit.

Ah!

DEREK: Bummer.

Aw, the fizz is all gone.

MARTHA: Derek, you
shouldn't be drinking
gee-golly carbonated
anything for crying
in the hills a
ruining your appetite.
Bobby, let's load 'em up, honey.

-You only sit back here
when you're hiding out.
What's up, dweeb?

-I have cooties.

-Ew.

Gross.

I thought it was
the twins' diapers.
-You can tell?

-The whole world can tell
when somebody has cooties.
Don't get near me, cootie boy.

-Even the twins can tell.

Oh, no.

I'm in trouble.

-I can block off my door
with my turtle stool,
and then I'll keep
all the cooties
from escaping with mom's tape.

-OK, so like, Bobby.

Mom says to get your jiggly
self down to dinner, for crying
and like something
totally meaningless.
-I can't.

I'm sick.

-OK.

Like, whatever.

I don't know.

He thinks he's
sick or something.
Hello, reality.

-Well, for Howard
Hughes' sake, Bobby.
You best be getting
your gee-golly self
downstairs for dinner.

Now!

And that tape is coming out
of your allowance, Mr. man-sy.
Now get yourself
downstairs this minute.
-But how am I supposed
to go downstairs and not
give everybody the cooties?

-I said, like, you
know, does he like me?
Like, he said, fine.

And does that mean like,
fine, like just fine, OK?
Of does it mean, like,
fine, like fine, you know?
And fine?

What is fine?

FINE, I mean--

MARTHA: Well, for bed
bugs and dust bunnies,
what the heckin gones
goin on here, Bobby?
-Hey, how bout some
anchovies, Bob-o?
That'll put some
hair on your chest.
-No thanks, Uncle Ted.

I-- I got other things
on me right now.
I-- I have the cooties.

MARTHA: Oh, Bobby, honey.

No, you don't.

Cooties are a made-up
thing, like the monster
in your closet, don't
ya know, there, now.
Yeah.

-Uh-oh.

Then I really do
have the cooties.
Uncle Ted, do you
believe in cooties?
-Oh yeah, Bob-o.

But I tell you, when it
comes to your health,
always get a second opinion.

These are good.

-Derek, do you
believe in cooties?
-Oh, yeah.

-Well, where do they come from?

-Nobody knows where they come
from, but they're out there.
Like some kinda weird aliens.

-Weird aliens.

-Some people say they're
aliens, some people
say they don't even exist.

Cooties are out
there, Agent Jackie.
I can feel it in my bones.

Agent Jackie, take
a look at this.
-Hm.

I have the feeling I
just touched something
that I'm going to
regret tomorrow.
-Is it a cootie?

-Icky?

Yes.

Cootie?

No.

It's an anchovy.

-Who are you?

-Call me Anchovy Man.

-Tell me what you
know about cooties.
-All I can tell you
is trust no one.
Not even me.

And definitely not them.

-Yuck!

Cooties!

-Anchovy nuggies.

Mm.

Well I don't know what
shampoo you use, Bob-o,
but goes great with anchovies.

MARTHA: OK, family mine.

Who wants codfish casserole?

-Uh, like, please.

-Oh, honey.

That-- phew.

Are you-- are you sure
that fish is fresh?
-Clippin coupons in the
check-out lane, Howard.
They must have sold me
a gee-golly rotten cod.
-Well, did you keep the receipt?

-The receipt?

You-- do you think I planned
to have a couple of pounds
of gee-golly cod
stinking up the house
for shopping in the
fish aisle, Howard?
-You should start
your own band, dweeb.
Cootie and the Codfish.

-Hey, don't cry over
spoiled cod, Bob-o.
-I-- I'm crying cause I
got the cooties, Uncle Ted.
-Aw, don't worry.

You'll be fine.

But stay away from fast
girls and soft cheeses.
You know, just in case.

-I think I'm doomed.

KID: Get the ball.

-I'm not touching it.

It has cooties on it now.

KIDS: Ew.

-How did everybody find out
about by cooties so fast?
-Welcome to Yard Copy.

The show that tells you all
the behind-the-scenes dirt
on the playground.

Guess who we caught getting
caught catching cooties?
-I'll never have
any friends again.
-Oh, no.

Mom accidentally packed a whole
box of chocolate chip cookies.
I guess I'll have to trade
them for tuna, for instance.
Ah.

Cooties are winning.

Cooties are winning.

When the bell rings, somebody
will have to sit by me.
KIDS: Ew!

-What's a matter?

You've never seen a cootie boy
get a drink of water before?
-Bobby, could you
let me by, please.
-Hey Jackie, wait.

I need to talk to you.

-Not now, Bobby.

-But Jackie, it's important.

It's about me cooties.

-I'm in a hurry, Bobby.

BOBBY: Why won't you talk to me?

This is because I have
the cooties, isn't it?
JACKIE: No.

It's because this is
the girl's bathroom.
BOBBY: Uh-oh.

-What do you gotta
see the principle for?
-I accidentally went
into the girl's bathroom.
But maybe it's cause
I got the cooties.
-They can't bring you
in just for the cooties.
That's a bylaw of the PTX code
book, Cleveland Convention.
-How come you know so
much about the cooties?
-Basically, I had cooties once.

-Wha--?

Oh, I forgot.

I already got 'em.

I'm basically soiled.

-Yeah, well.

You have cooties, nobody
lets you forget for long.
But, this is your
lucky day, cootie boy.
Cause I'm gonna tell you
the truth about cooties.
-The truth about cooties?

-I'm P Everett
Stoop and I'm here
to tell the truth about cooties.

It you have cooties,
you're doomed.
You're a loser.

Even your dog won't
play with you.
BOY: But my friends and I will.

Come over after school.

PRINCIPAL: Dwight, you
wanna come in here?
-Well, it'll be fun.

We have a clubhouse,
and everything.
BOBBY: Oh, no.

It's some kind of cootie club.

-Hi, I'm Bobby.

KIDS: Hi Bobby.

-And I have the cooties.

I didn't even know what
cooties were til I got 'em.
And now I still don't know.

-Basically, Bobby's new here.

So he hasn't heard.

Bobby, we invented a cure.

-Yippy!

Yippy!

Yippy!

-All you gots to do is follow
our simple 12-step program.
Hey, what's--
what's wrong Bobby?
-I can only count to 10.

MARTHA: Bobby?

Bobby!

Get it gear little mister.

We're late for your
gee-golly soccer game.
-OK, so like, he
is not downstairs,
and I totally looked everywhere.

MARTHA: Bobby!

KELLY: OK, like, Bobby.

-They'll never look
for me in Kelly's room.
I'm safe in here.

I could be wrong.

-OK.

Like, what is your
problem-o, Bobby?
You know better than to
take refuge in my room.
-I have cooties.

Calvin said so.

-Ah!

Calvin!

Bobby, please.

I babysat for
Calvin and he still
wears PJs with feet in them.

-He does?

-He totally does.

Trust me.

He is like way too pee-wee
to be diagnosing cooties.
-But he saw Jackie kiss me, so
he says I have the cooties now.
-Bobby, just cause he says
it doesn't make it true.
He's probably like,
totally jealous,
because Jackie didn't kiss him.

-Yuck.

-Like, Calvin is using
name-calling to hurt you.
You cannot let other people
tell you who you are, Bobby.
It's as simple as that.

Only you can do that.

-You-- you mean I
don't have cooties?
-Get real.

Would I do this if you did?

Now go play soccer,
you little monster.
-I'm cured!

Thanks Kelly.

KELLY: Hey, Bobby.

If Calvin gives
you any more grief,
ask him about the socks he
has with the ducks on 'em.
Kids.

-This would be a
lot easier is Calvin
was wearing those
duck socks now.
-And what is nuevo
with you, Roberto?
-I just got over a problem.

-Been sick, have you?

Why, you've been
sick, haven't ya?
In that case, we have
to go out there and win.
We have to win today
for the Bob-er.
Win to celebrate his
recovery from what was it?
-Cooties.

-Recover from cooties!

I just love happy endings.

-Genuine recycled
rubber soccer cleats
are gonna last a
long time like this.
-Jackie, are you OK?

-You have to go
in for me, Bobby.
I have an abrasion.

-All right.

Let's go Roberto!

Only 30 seconds
left in the game.
-Oh, I'm stuck.

I can't move.

Ugh!

MEEKER: Goal.

And it's a ball game.

-How come you're
being nice to me now?
What about the cooties?

CALVIN: Hey, wait a minute.

Put him down.

He has the cooties.

-Cooties?

I think now.

That's just something you
made up to hurt my feelings,
cause you're jealous of me.

-Yeah.

Put a duck sock in it, Calvin.

Bobby's a hero.

[KIDS CHEERING FOR BOBBY]

-Well, now Mr. hero of the day,
what have you learned then yet?
-I learned that
cooties aren't real.
But if your friends are dumb
enough to think they are,
it doesn't hurt to get hit in
the head with a soccer ball,
just in case.

-Well, that's out
show, But before we go,
Bobby, I want to
give you something.
-Oh, no.

I don't want anything, cause
then people think you have it,
and they treat you different.

So I don't want it.

-But Bobby, but it's
a lovely muffin holder
I made out of pennies
and rubber bands.
I made it.

Fine.

Bye.