01x06 - Identity Crisis/U.S. Acres: The Bad Sport/Up a Tree

[bunniefuu]

[

[ Yawns

[ Yawns ]

[ Gasps ]

- My bed?

Odie is sleeping in my bed?

The nerve of that pooch.

This calls for a good stomping.

Take this and that

And some of this again.

Oh, hi, odie.

I'll teach you to sleep--

[ Pants ]

- Well, so much for my

French bread and
olive collection.

[ Snickers ]

Ladies and gentlemen,

Garfield and friends.

♪ Friends are there ♪

♪ To help you get started, ♪

♪ To give you a
push on your way ♪

♪ Friends are there ♪

♪ To turn around, ♪

♪ Get your feet on the ground ♪

♪ For a brand new day ♪

♪ They pick you up ♪

♪ When you're down ♪

♪ Help you swallow your pride ♪

♪ When something inside ♪

♪ Says to break on through ♪

♪ To the other side. ♪

♪ Friends are someone ♪

♪ You can open up to ♪

♪ When you feel like
you're ready to flip ♪

♪ When you've got ♪

♪ The world on your shoulders ♪

♪ Friends are there
to give you a tip ♪

♪ Friends are there ♪

♪ When you need them, ♪

♪ They're even there ♪

♪ When you don't ♪

♪ For a walk in the park ♪

♪ Or a shot in the dark, ♪

♪ Friends are there ♪

♪ I don't care ♪

♪ But friends will
care for you ♪

- Pay careful attention,

Everyone, there'll be

A quiz later.

Upbeat music

[ Humming ]

- One of these, two of these.

Oh, you wait and grow up.

So this on top, two of these,

Four of these, 12 of those.

Faster music

[ Swoosh ]

[ Crash ]

That's the last time

I go into that cafeteria.

- Oh, please, mr. Cat,

Don't eat me, please!

Please!

I have no nutritional value.

I'm very high in cholesterol.

- I don't eat mice.

- The surgeon general

Put a warning on me.

Eating me could be hazardous

To your health.

- Eating mice,

What a disgusting concept.

- Oh, hi, garfield.

- Hello, floyd,

How goes the rat race?

- I think seymour is winning.

Dogcatcher: ha!

I've got you this time, mutt!

- Isn't he a little big

To be in the race?

- You're mine, now.

- Me cat, you dog catcher.

- Ralph, put that cat down.

You are the most incompetent

Dog catcher on the whole squad.

- But mr. Mendelberg, i--

- One more mistake

And you're fired.

- Yes, sir.

I understand, sir.

- Let's eat,

Do you like lasagna?

[ Growls ]

[ Barks ]

- Hey, cat, how come

You making like a dog?

- A cat? Where?

Oh, you don't think I'm a cat,

Do you?

Did you hear that, floyd?

Funny, hunh?

- Yeah, funny, you a cat?

- If I were a cat

Would I be walking with a mouse?

Obviously I'm a fido felinis.

- A what?

- A fido felinis, you know,

A dog that looks like a cat.

Stupid folks always

Make that mistake

But you're smart enough to know

The difference, right?

- Difference?

Oh, yeah, right, yeah, sure.

Sorry for the mix-up, pal.

Yeah, see you around.

- Pretty clever.

Hey, do you think that trick

Would work for me

When cats start chasing me?

- Sure, I'll teach you to meow.

[ Meowing ]

- Now pinch your throat.

[ Meows ]

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Here, here, here.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

- What does that sound like?

- Like a violin going

Through a trash masher.

- Oh, I'll never learn

How to meow.

- Sure you will.

Hey, I learned how to bark.

[ Barks ]

- A dog!

[ Growls ]

[ Barks ]

- I was right.

That was a dog.

You're not fooling me

This time, dog.

- Okay, continue.

Upbeat music

Silly music

♪

I think we all know

How this joke works by now.

- You're trapped now, dog.

Operator, operator,

I seem to have

A bad connection.

Come back here, dog.

Come back here.

- He's yelling like

He actually expects me to do it.

[ Meowing ]

- Hey, you ain't a cat.

- I'm working on an impression.

Cut me some slack, pal.

- Oh, that was good.

I do a pretty mean mouse myself.

Listen.

[ Squeeks ]

- It's a little overstated.

Act like you got something

Stuck in your teeth.

- Like this?

- Yeah, well, it's--

Work on it and bring it back.

- Oh, there's the dog

I was chasing earlier.

I got him.

[ Squeaks ]

- Wait a minute.

Dogs don't squeak.

Mice squeak like that one there.

[ Meows ]

[ Barks ]

- There's the dog.

I caught the dog.

At last, I caught a dog.

- That's not a dog.

That's a cat!

I warned you, one more mistake.

- No, this is a dog.

It barks, you'll see.

It's a dog.

Bark for the nice man, fido.

[ Meow ]

- Okay, that's it.

You're history.

- No, no! It's a dog.

- Ralph, that is a cat.

This is a dog.

- Oh, no.

That's a mouse.

It goes squeak.

Squeak for the man, mousey.

This is a cat.

It went meow.

I heard it.

See, mouse goes meow,

The doggy goes squeak,

Cat goes arf but

That's not a cat.

It's a dog but it

Only looks like a cat.

Sounds like a mouse

But the mouse is a cat,

He looks like a dog

But the don't go bow-wow

Except for the dog eats cheese.

The cat-- the cat went squeak

Or was that the dog?

[ Laughs ]

- Poor guy.

- So what do we do now?

- What do we do?

I think we got a great act.

[ Barks ]

[ Squeaks ]

[ Meows ]

[ Moos ]

- Boo.

- Are you gonna let her

Get away with that?

- I guess so.

- No you're not.

- No, I'm not.

I'm not?

- To be tough, you gotta

Look tough.

We'll use this straw

To give you muscles.

Now, go get her.

- Right!

[ Groaning ]

- More straw, wade?

- More straw.

- This is a whole book

About sports.

- Anything in there about

Worm wrestling?

That's my kind of sport.

Right, sheldon?

- Just a second.

I'm playing table tennis.

- Sports make me too nervous.

When I watch football

If the players get

Into a huddle I always think

They're talking about me.

- Well, I think we should try

A new sport like this one here.

Pig ball.

- Pig ball?

Ha, never heard of it.

- Neither have I but all

The rules are right here.

- Well, let's try it.

- Well, if it isn't

Too dangerous.

- Nuh-uh.

Not i, include me out.

I have more important things

To do than play silly games.

- We don't need him.

I'll find more players.

Meet me out in the field.

- Okay.

- All right.

- see you.

[ Cackles ]

- What an idea I have.

What a rotten, low down, sneaky,

Devious, pointless,

Wonderful idea.

Hey, I don't know how

I come up with them either.

[ Laughs ]

- Read my lips, pig.

No. N-o, no.

- But this could be

A great new game.

- I won't like it.

I don't like trying

Anything new.

- Hey, chill down, sis.

How do you know you won't

Like it till you try it?

♪ Don't be afraid ♪

♪ Of something new, ♪

♪ Doing something different ♪

♪ Doesn't hurt. ♪

♪ If you do the same thing ♪

♪ Day in and day out, ♪

♪ You'll end up like ♪

♪ An old stuffed shirt. ♪

♪ They say variety is ♪

♪ The spice of life, ♪

♪ It's good to have ♪

♪ Change of pace. ♪

♪ When you get some food, ♪

♪ You aren't in the mood, ♪

♪ Try a little bit, ♪

♪ It could be a hit. ♪

♪ So don't be afraid ♪

♪ To try something new. ♪

♪ Just give it a shot. ♪

♪ All right! ♪

♪ You like it or not. ♪

♪ And I guarantee a smile ♪

♪ On your face. ♪

[ Vocalizes ]

Yeah!

- Okay, okay.

Let's get pig ball a try.

- Terrific.

- Don't be afraid of something

Mean and playing tricks.

Can be a lot of fun.

There, the new rules

For pig ball.

- Okay, wade, where's the book

That tells how to play pig ball?

- I thought you brought it.

- Oops, it's by the barn,

I'll get it.

- Just paste a page in.

[ Laughs ]

Uh-oh.

[ Laughs ]

- Okay. The blue team starts

By honking like geese

Until the red team

Does 30 push ups

Or sits in

Three banana cream pies,

Whichever occurs first.

Play begins when

The two captains

Toss a baked potato

In the air.

If it lands sour cream down

The game is
immediately cancelled

And all players must immediately

Move to scottsdale, arizona

And open

A dry cleaning business.

The second inning cannot start

Until everyone puts on

A bow tie.

And the captain of the blue team

Locates a live hippopotamus.

- Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Uno minuto.

I am the captain

Of the blue team.

I have to find a

Live hippa-whats?

- Banana cream pie,

Dry cleaning, oh, here it is.

A live hippopotamus.

- Are you sure about this game?

- Hey, like, the rules

Are the rules.

Let's give it a shot, man.

- Oh, good.

It landed sour cream up.

- Honk. Like, honk, honk.

- Hurry up.

I'm getting sick of doing

These push ups, oh.

- If you don't sit

In the banana cream pie,

We lose 81 points.

- Oh, I don't know

About this game.

- Why do I have to do this?

- Don't complain, I have

To find a hippopotamus

To win 600 points.

- I'm beginning

To not like this game.

- The red team gets 11 points

For every vegetable

They impersonate

While the blue team

Builds a statue of

Arnold schwarzenegger

Out of coleslaw

And for six points,

Dress up like a cupcake

And locate the

Klopman diamond and--

- That's it, enough, stop.

This is the stupidest game

In the world.

I quit.

I'm history.

- Boy, what a bad sport.

[ Laughs ]

- Dress up like a cupcake.

They'll do anything.

- All players with less

Than 300 points

Are required to change

Their names to al.

- Stop, cease, desist.

Oh, I can't take it anymore.

Stop. That's not a real game.

I made it up.

You guys did all that stuff.

Isn't that hysterical?

You guys look so ridiculous.

- Great joke, roy,

But I think the least

You could do is play

A real game with us.

Like rooster ball.

Here are the rules.

- Sure, let's see.

Rooster ball,

The object of rooster ball

Is to pick the person

With the most feathers

And throw him in a mud hole.

Hey, this game

Isn't even fair.

I have all the feathers here.

I'm bound to l--

Hey guys, let's play

Another game.

Croquet, badminton, hopscotch,

Crazy eights, go fish,

Solitaire?

I don't wanna play rooster ball.

How about canasta? Mahjong?

- Hey, where you going?

Ah, it looks like the game

Is over and just my luck.

Just when I was about

To score 600 points.

Come on, george.

- Oh, garfield,

We have a visitor.

- Don't tell me it's nermal.

- It's nermal.

- I asked you not

To tell me that.

[ Doorbell rings ]

- Someone's at the door.

- That's right, it's me,

Nermal, the world's

Cutest kitty cat.

- I don't know if I can

Stand the excitement.

- Oh, garfield, face it

I'm cute, and you're not.

- Listen, you might wanna

Change to another channel

For a moment

So you won't see this.

- Garfield, what are you doing?

Let me go.

Is this your idea

Of a joke or something?

- No, I'm sorry.

We don't have any unwanted items

To donate.

- Yes, we do.

Here, send this to abu dhabi,

Tell them it's a new kind

Of artificial sweetener.

- Garfield.

I can't believe you tried

To give nermal away.

- Who's gonna pay

For something like that?

- Especially when nermal

Is so cute and loveable.

[ Blows raspberry ]

[ Buzzes ]

- Psst. Watch this.

Humans think this is so cute.

[ Laughs ]

- Oh, nermal, I think

That's so cute.

- He thinks chasing flies

Is cute?

I'll show him how

To chase flies.

[ Shouts ]

- Got you, fly.

Not cute?

Well, I thought it was cute.

Hey, cute's no big deal,

Anyone can be cute.

No big deal.

Sorry, tree,

Not climbing you today.

Trees talk to cats, you know?

They say climb me, climb me.

But not me,

I have tremendous willpower.

Sometimes it's hard

To fight primal instincts.

I'll just jump down.

[ Yells ]

Like I said

I'll just stay here

Until someone comes

To rescue me

And when they come

I'll get all the attention.

Well, what have we here?

Hello, eggs.

You'll be lunch

And you'll be dinner.

As I was saying,

You'll be beatrice

And you'll be arthur.

[ Squawk ]

[ Gulps ]

- Okay.

I'll just wait 'til

They miss me and come looking.

Shouldn't take long.

Any minute now.

Boy, they sure miss me.

- Hey, garfield?

- Oh, it's you.

I thought it was someone.

- Hey, garfield,

What you doing up

In that tree, huh?

- I know how to get

The rescue party

Here in a hurry.

Climbing trees

Is real cute, nermal.

Why don't you try it?

Nermal?

Ah!

- Well, you did say

Climbing trees was cute,

Didn't you?

- Exceedingly cute.

Two cats up a tree will get

The rescuers here twice as fast.

- Oh, look at that poor,

Sweet kitty cat

Caught up in the tree.

Somebody help.

- See?

[ Sirens ]

[ Chattering ]

[ Crowd cheers ]

- Uh, hello?

Didn't you forget something?

Like me?

It's kinda nice up here.

I guess it's not such

A bad place to spend

The rest of my life.

- Garfield?

How did you ever get yourself

Stuck up there?

Guess it's up to me

To get you down.

I've been watching you

Sitting up here all day.

- All day?

- Oh, you should've seen

The cute thing

Nermal did earlier.

He started chasing his shadow.

- Another heavyweight

Intellectual activity.

- And then he got

All tangled up

In this ball of yarn.

It was so, so--

- Cute?

- So cute and then he found

A piece of paper

And he started playing with

The paper, you know, kind of,

Batting it around

But then it got trapped under

The living room sofa

And he was trying to get it out

And trying and he tried

And tried and well,

You know, almost anything

A cat does is cute.

- Wanna bet?

- But this was cute even for

Nermal and then he--

Garfield?

Garfield, where are you going

With the ladder?

Garfield?

- Where's jon?

- He had some work to do

At the branch office.

Say, nermal, jon thinks

It's really cute

When you sit on the t.v.

And play antennae.

- Oh, really?

Like this, garfield?

- A little to the left.

Your vertical hold is off.

That's it, hold it right there.

- Garfield?

Garfield, get me outta here.

- Gee, I can't bear to hear

Jon yelling like that.

I have to do something.

- Garfield!

- I'll find something

Loud to watch.

- Help!

- The perfect show.

- Hey, kids, it's time

For binky the clown.

Wake your neighbors.

- Garfield, how long do

I have to stay like this?

- It's a 16 hour telethon

To raise money to stamp out


[ Owl hoots ]

- Garfield, garfield?

I think you're cute, too,

Garfield.

Honest I do.

Garfield!