02x15 - Stage Fright

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪]

[Eerie wind howls]

We'll freeze

- If we don't
- find cover soon!

- But she's still out there...
- Waiting.

- Maybe she doesn't
- mean us any harm?

After all, she fed us

The most glorious meal.

Father and stepmother

Never fed us anything like that.

[Musical score rises]

- ♪ She didn't feed us
- to be nice ♪

♪ Even though

She fed us twice ♪

♪ She's a witch ♪

- ♪ She caught us
- for the thrill ♪

♪ In her eyes ♪

♪ We're just roadkill ♪

♪ She prepared us both

Especially ♪

♪ Like a nouveau

Culinary recipe ♪

- [Duet]:
- ♪ once upon a time ♪

♪ We both had dreams ♪

♪ Now our clothes

Are bursting at the seams! ♪

♪ Oh, the plumper the rump ♪

♪ The thicker the skin ♪

♪ She'd have nothing to eat

If we were too thin ♪

[♪♪]

Yoo-hoo, gina!

Where are you?

[Footsteps clapping]

I was stretching backstage

And I totes brain-farted.

- That's the last time,
- I promise.

Yes, I could smell it

From here.

This is a nightmare.

- We haven't even done
- a complete run-through.

- I knew we shouldn't have
- done this play.

I warned ms. Brower,

We're tempting fate.

But does she listen? No.

- Keri? Just turn up
- the house lights.

- [Ms. Brower]:
- then be with it!

With every brain cell

You can muster.

Gina! That's the third time

You've missed your cue.

- If you do that
- tomorrow night,

- You're gonna make us
- all look like idiots.

- We don't need her help
- for that.

- She's had three weeks
- to rehearse!

- I stepped in
- three days ago,

- And I'm already
- flawless.

[Girl scoffs]

Um, it was my part

Until I broke my leg.

I know the lines,

You're paraphrasing.

Whatever! It's still better

Than forgetting when

You're supposed to be onstage.

[Bellows]: enough! Enough.

Gina.

Stop stretching your body

And start stretching your mind.

Mm-hmm.

Michelle... Be the tree.

Everyone, I have notes. Come.

Come, come.

Notes circle.

[Chuckles]

The audience needs to feel

Hansel and gretel's fear.

- Jen and sam, have you guys
- ever been afraid?

Really afraid?

For your lives?

No?

[Roars]:

Then act like you have!

Imagine... You're poor.

You're starving.

You hear your parents...

Plotting to abandon you...

They take you...

Into the woods...

Excuse me, ms. Brower...

Shh!

You try to outsmart them

With a trail of bread crumbs...

But the crumbs...

They get eaten by the birds!

Tragedy!

And just... [Gasps]

Oh! Just when you think

You are saved...

A witch tries to eat you!

Dramatic irony.

- Rehearsal ends
- in five minutes.

Art never ends, rayline.

Oh! Wait!

I have treats.

[Murmured grumbling all around]

[Sighs wearily]

I wish ms. Brower would

Just stop with the treats.

That carrot cake

- That she brought
- the other night

Was repugnant.

- I think it had
- celery in it,

- And it made me
- nauseous.

It wasn't the celery.

It was the curse.

Whoa. Like... What curse?

- [Keri]: don't you guys
- ever listen to me?

- I've been talking
- about this for weeks.

Haven't you noticed

All the weird things

That have been happening?

- I only did this play
- 'cause lanie said

- She'd break up
- with me if I didn't.

I don't know

Any weird theater stuff.

- Lanie getting sick
- at rehearsal.

"Nauseous."

- Gina missing
- all of her cues...

- Wait, did I just
- miss another one?

Michelle falling off the stage

And breaking her leg.

I was pushed.

- [Keri]: it's all
- part of the curse.

- I'll tell you
- what's cursed.

Jen's singing.

She's butchering the melodies.

I spent weeks writing songs

For this show,

And what thanks do I get?

I'm a tree.

A non-singing tree.

'Tever!

- Give it a rest,
- michelle.

Nobody cares.

Ouch!

People!

- There is some serious bad mojo
- surrounding this play.

When did drama class

Get so dramatic?

- I found a bunch of articles
- online

About cursed productions

At five other schools.

The play's based on real events,

And the witch wreaks havoc

On those who try

To tell her story.

- A school in iowa
- did it last year,

And the dude playing hansel

Got beheaded...

Onstage.

- This doesn't
- make sense.

Why would ms. Brower do

A play that's cursed?

She says

It's just superstition.

Because it is.

- There's no such thing
- as curses.

You actually think a witch

Is gonna mess with our show?

I mean, bring it on.

[Pow!]

[All gasping]

[Electricity crackling

[And spitting]

[Uneasy silence descends]

Told you. Cursed!

Okay.

- Enough with
- the "curse" nonsense.

Keri, just fix the bulb.

Cast, hang up your wardrobe.

I am not your mother.

- Whatever
- you say, mom.

I'm gonna go tell ms. B

To save her treats for tomorrow.

'Kay.

[Footsteps receding]

Thanks.

[Calling out]: ms. Brower!

[♪♪]

[Coin clatters in machine]

[Soda rattles and clunks]

[Stuck can clunking]

Come on, you stupid thing!

[Rayline straining]

[♪♪]

[A voice cries out]

[Rayline shrieking in terror]

[Background music playing

[As people chatter]

[Ms. Brower]: in the theater,

We have a tradition

Of saying "break a leg,"

But I think that's morbid,

So I say, "break a cookie..."

My little darlings.

Oh!

[Quiet chatter spreads,

[Indistinct]

- You look flushed.
- Where's rayline?

I don't know,

- But I found her headset
- by the vending machine,

- And she's not answering
- her cell phone.

- Calm down.
- Have a cookie.

Places, everyone!

Go, go, go.

Places!

[Curtains rumble as they rise]

[Applause begins]

Once upon a time,

There was a boy named hansel...

And a girl

Named gretel.

And their parents...

Couldn't afford to feed them

Anymore...

I'm broke!

[Scoffs in disgust]

- So they decided to go on
- a little adventure...

A trip in the woods.

[Musical score rises]

[Stars]: ♪ every day

Is a new adventure ♪

♪ You just never know

What's in store ♪

♪ Every day could be

Filled with magic ♪

♪ Unless you are poor ♪

♪ We never have

Enough to eat ♪

♪ Unless we find it

In the street ♪

♪ We wear the same clothes

Every day ♪

♪ Our lives are drab

And always gray ♪

♪ We're just

Too poor ♪

♪ We have no hope ♪

♪ What for?

What good would it do? ♪

♪ Our life has really

Hit the skids ♪

♪ We have no way

To feed the kids ♪

♪ If only our kids

Were dead ♪

[Cymbal crashes]

♪ We'd have double

Our daily bread ♪

[Gasps]

- But we can't
- k*ll our children!

No! But we could

Take them into the forest

And lose them!

[Audience laughing]

[Hansel and gretel gasping]

[♪♪]

[Stars]: ♪ every day

Is a new adventure ♪

♪ You just never know

What's in store ♪

♪ Oh, the woods might be

Dark and dreary ♪

Fine.

♪ We'll confess

We're a little leery ♪

♪ But one thing

We're sure ♪

♪ It does not pay

To be poor ♪

[Applause rises]

[♪♪]

[Pulleys squeaking

[As backdrop lowers]

[♪♪]

- Children, stay
- with your stepmother

While I get us

Some firewood.

Hansel, I'm frightened.

- Father's acting
- awfully strange.

You don't think

- Father's actually going
- to leave us here?

Don't worry, gretel.

- I left a trail of
- breadcrumbs in the forest

- So we may find
- our way home again.

[Hushed]: hey!

Who messed with my props?

Oh, hansel!

That's most brilliant.

Ms. Brower?

Is that you?

- I gotta go back onstage
- with my firewood,

But it's not here!

Wait! What are you...

[Thud]

What's taking father

So long?

[Audience chuckling]

Get jesse!

[Loudly]: I said...

- "What's taking
- father so long?"

[Audience laughing]

- [Calls out]: I'm sure
- you've chopped plenty of wood!

Come back now, dear!

Yeah.

Uh...

- What... What, is he chopping down
- the whole forest?

[Cast forces a chuckle

[As audience laughs]

[♪♪]

Jesse?

- [Sam as "hansel"]:
- I said...

"What's taking father so long?"

[♪♪]

You do it. You!

I'll go

Look for him!

Just stay here and get lost.

- But that's not
- how the story goes.

- You're not
- supposed to leave

- Until he comes back
- with the wood,

- And I still have a bunch more
- breadcrumbs to put out.

Alright, then!

[Audience laughing]

- [Lanie's heels clopping
- backstage]

Uh-oh.

[Silence falls]

Right, keep talking.

Words... Words.

[Takes a shaky breath]

Uh...

♪ She didn't feed us

To be nice... ♪

[Awkward silence]

♪ Even though

She fed us twice ♪

♪ She's a witch ♪

- ♪ She caught us
- for the thrill ♪

♪ In her eyes ♪

♪ We're just roadkill ♪

Why are they singing?

- [Jen as gretel]: ♪ she prepared
- us both especially ♪

♪ Like a nouveau

Culinary recipe ♪

[Both]: ♪ once upon a time

We both had dreams ♪

That song isn't until

The end of the play!

Hansel and gretel haven't even

Met the witch yet!

♪ ...are bursting

At the seams ♪

[Crowd laughing]

- [Flicks a switch
- and musical score plays]

[♪♪]

[Dancing and music continues]

[♪♪]

[Tree thuds]

- [Cast gasping
- as audience laughs]

[♪♪]

If only father were here,

- He could use this
- as firewood!

[Audience cracks up]

- [Whispers in horror]:
- the show is a disaster!

[♪♪]

[Chuckles feebly]

[Audience laughing louder]

[Tree thumps]

- [Whimpers dejectedly
- as score continues to play]

[♪♪]

[Sam]: hey... Gretel?

[Audience chuckling]

[Loud laughter]

[Jen weeping]

I know, I know.

It's terrible...

But the show must go on!

Have a cookie.

[Score playing in background]

- [As score continues,
- audience murmurs expectantly]

What's the matter?

Can't handle a little improv?

Acting 101, lanie.

[♪♪]

Hark!

I am just a tree,

Rooted forlornly

In this dark forest.

Nobody cares if I'm alone,

Or afraid.

I am just a tree...

After all.

- [Whispers]: there's no way
- you're stealing my big scene.

[Exhales anxiously]

[Awkward silence continues]

[Thudding]

What's this?

A trail of breadcrumbs?

My stupid step-children

Think they can trick me!

How foolish.

[Audience member cracking up]

I'll make sure they never

Find their way home.

[Others join in laughter]

Maybe they don't need

A trail of breadcrumbs.

Maybe all they need

Is one very helpful tree.

Don't you dare cross me, tree!

- Or I will have
- my husband

Take an ax to you.

- Did I miss
- my cue yet?

Not yet.

Oh, good!

- Because I haven't finished
- my warm-up routine.

[Sighing]

Dear husband!

Please come back!

[Laughter in audience]

- Looks like
- he's abandoned you.

- Just like
- you were going to abandon

Your poor, starving kids.

"Hello, irony."

[Hearty laughter]

[Footsteps shuffling onstage]

[Loud laughter]

[Takes a deep breath]

[Smack]

[Crowd "oohing" and applauding]

[Grunts and sighs]

[Thud]

[♪♪]

[Scattered chuckling

[In audience]

[Louder laughter]

- Just skip ahead
- to the gingerbread scene

- And get the trees
- offstage!

[Snapping fingers]

[Exhaling in frustration]

[Audience starts

[Laughing louder]

[Boulder wheels rumbling

[Across stage]

[Crunching greedily]

[♪♪]

[Muffled gasp]

[Thudding and gasping]

[Shrieking in horror]

The scream cue doesn't happen

Until act three, people!

[Wheels rumbling]

[Rumble-thud]

[Audience laughing]

[Pulleys squeaking

[As laughter persists]

- [Forces good cheer]:
- what luck is this?

A gingerbread house

- In the middle
- of the woods!

[Audience chuckles]

Gina!

Gina, we're gonna skip ahead

To your entrance.

[Sinister theme rises]

[♪♪]

[Muffled protesting]

[Muffled pleading continues]

It's brower, isn't it?

Always bringing treats.

She's been fattening us up!

I have to stop her!

[Protesting louder]

♪ Mah-may-mee-mah-moo ♪

Red leather,

Yellow leather...

Red leather, yellow leather.

I thought, I thought

A thrilling thought,

Then thought I nothing.

[Whoosh]

[Gasps in terror]

[Gina whimpering]

[Bones creaking]

[Sobbing and whimpering]

[Creaking]

[Gina gasping and whimpering]

[Woman's voice]:

If you want tips on

- How to act like
- a real witch...

Just watch me.

[Shrieking in terror]

- Who do you suppose
- lives here, hansel?

I don't know, gretel,

- But I bet she's as sweet
- as this gingerbread!

["Gretel" chuckles]

[Licks finger]

[Loudly]: I said,

"I bet she's as sweet

As this gingerbread."

[Whispers]: I can't believe

She did this again.

[Freaking out loudly]:

Gina! That's your cue!

[Audience cracks up]

What have we here,

A sweet little boy and girl!

You're not gina!

- I don't know
- where gina is.

Just pretend I'm the witch.

[Audience laughing]

Feasting

On my house, I see.

- I am so not putting
- this show on my resume.

[Loud laughter]

Please, don't be mad.

We were just hungry!

[Yelling]: look out!

She's the witch!

[Snaps] we got that.

Now we're kind of

Trying to act here.

- No, I mean,
- she's a real witch!

- She tied up lanie, and jesse
- and rayline.

She's planning on eating them.

Get her!

[Audience laughing]

[Cackling]

What are you doing? Ahh!

[Ms. Brower shrieks]

Stop!

What are you doing?

Let me go! Let me go!

Let me go!

Ahh!

[Thud]

[Applause rises]

[Ms. Brower continues shrieking]

I'm afraid that's not

How the story goes.

Uh... Who are you?

I'm the star of the show.

Are you a witch?

- I thought ms. Brower
- was the witch.

I'm afraid not,

My dearies.

Just me.

End... Scene.

[Curtains rumbling]

[Curtains thud heavily]

[♪♪]

[Mystical whooshing

[And zapping]

[♪♪]

[Muffled protesting]

- [Witch]:
- it's been far too long

Since anyone had the guts

To tell my story properly.

I couldn't just sit back

- And watch you amateurs
- butcher it.

So, I decided...

If you want a witch...

I'll give you a witch.

Who's ready

For my big finish?

[Cast protesting intensely]

[Hesitant applause rises]

[Whoosh!]

Please don't eat us!

- Please! We'll do anything!
- Just... Just don't k*ll us!

Then I suggest you sing!

After all,

The show must go on.

[Music swells]

[♪♪]

♪ What she says

Is not a lie ♪

♪ She means to eat us

By and by ♪

♪ She's a witch ♪

- ♪ She's holding us
- by force ♪

- ♪ And we'll soon be
- her main course ♪

[Whoosh!]

♪ We put on a show

That's very cursed ♪

♪ And now it's gone

From very bad to worse ♪

[Duet]: ♪ I was gonna be

A star ♪

♪ Now I'll be tartare ♪

♪ Please, save us now ♪

♪ Before she eats our cheeks ♪

♪ I can't die now ♪

♪ Senior prom

Is in three wee-ee-eeks! ♪

[Ominous chord strikes]

[Gasping and whimpering in fear]

[Loud applause

[And cheering]

Do you people honestly

Believe the cliched witch

From this play

Is what real witches

Are like?

No one tells my story properly,

Which is why I cursed it.

[Scattered murmuring]

I didn't eat hansel and gretel.

That's not

How the story went.

[Whoosh! Thud!]

[Murmuring]

[Thudding]

[Panic rising]

[Witch]: I ate...

Their parents.

[Screaming]

[♪♪]