01x06 - The Big Pencil/Sani-Paper

[bunniefuu]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Who's that girl? What's her name?
Is she cool? Is she lame?

Oh, you're talking about what's her name

-Pepper Ann
-Pepper Ann

Is she lame? Is she cool?
Is she breaking every rule?

Is she anybody's fool?

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Pepper Ann, Pepper Ann
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann
She's like one in a million

Pepper Ann, Pepper Ann

Much too cool for seventh grade
Catch her if you can, Pepper Ann

FEMALE VOICE 1: Who?

FEMALE VOICE 2:
Is that that girl from gym class?

MOOSE: No, that's me.

Oh.

FEMALE VOICE 2: Who is she
and why does she have her own song?

PEPPER ANN: Did someone take my lunch?

Pepper Ann, Pepper Ann
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann
She's like one in a million

Pepper Ann, Pepper Ann
Much too cool for seventh grade

No one's cooler than Pepper Ann

She's her own biggest fan, Pepper Ann

Oh, five centennial quarter.

Catch her if you can, Pepper Ann

Hi, kids. I'm Timmy, the Talking Toilet.

What's white, bright, and teeming

with bacteria?

Me!

Revolting, isn't it?

-[GLASS CLATTERING]
-That's why I use Sani-Paper seat covers!

-We've got the whole world cover...
-[SCREAM]

[MUFFLED VOICE]

-[SNORES]
-[LIPS SMACKING]

Is it just me, or do field trips
make you thirsty?

This is great.

Sani-Paper is the world's
most environmentally friendly company.

As a student of the ecosystem,
I have so much to learn,

so many questions to ask.

Hey, young Hazelnutarians!
I'm Sergeant Gene Fagan,

and I'll be your guide
through the wonderful world of hygiene.

Remember, you can't spell hygiene
without "Gene!"

This tour is for your benefit.
It's essential that you ask questions.

So, don't hold back.

Exactly what kind of sergeant are you?

None of your business. Let's roll!

We at Sani-Paper are always trying
to give something back to the community.

It's all part of being
a good corporate citizen.

-How much do you contribute to...
-All right!

-We're moving, we're moving.
-[DOOR OPENING]

[DOOR CLOSING]

And we're stopping.

You'll notice the masks and gloves
worn by our staff are all biodegradable.

That's because here at Sani-Paper,
we care about the environment.

I've noticed that you use Velcro in the...

GENE: Okay! We're moving, we're moving.

[MACHINES WHIRRING]

GENE: We're stopping.

Finally, here
at the packaging department,

our happy, well-paid workforce

sends seat covers around the world
from Anchorage, Alaska to Zumazu, Zaire!

-Do they have indoor commodes in...
-[CHUCKLES] Oh!

-[WATCH BEEPS]
-I'm gettin' hungry.

Anyone care to join me for Choca-Plunger?

[INDISTINCT CLAMOR]

[DOOR OPENING]

PRINCIPAL HICKEY: Twenty-seven, 28, 29...

-[MUNCHES, MUMBLES]
-This place is weird, Milo.

Are you dry? 'Cause I'm a little dry.

I think Sani-Paper's hiding something.

As a concerned seventh grader,
future scientist,

and a guardian of Mother Earth,
I have to do something.

You can get me a soda.

Fine. Be flippant.

But it's my duty
to tell Hickey about this.

And he's gonna be so grateful
to hear the truth.

Are you crazy?

But, sir, as a concerned seventh grader...

Every time we go on a field trip,
you get into trouble!

You think that crack is fake?

No.

PRINCIPAL HICKEY: Remember the field trip
before that?

What do you think this does?

[SQUEALS]

Liberates the whale.

-Do you detect a pattern here?
-No.

You never leave well enough alone.
You've gotta question everything.

Why do you think
we're at a toilet seat cover factory?

Nobody else will take us!

But, sir, sir, this place is seething
with dangerous secrets.

Well, then we better take precautions.

From this moment forward,

-I'm instituting the buddy system.
-[STUDENTS GROANING]

PRINCIPAL HICKEY:
Pearson, you're with Nicky.

-Kamalani, you're with Dieter.
-Hello!

Nicky, you've got to.

No, Pepper Ann, there is no way
I'm getting involved

in one of your
special investigations again.

-But this time is different!
-Tell it to the whale.

I understand.

After all, I wouldn't want
to expose you to any danger.

[GASPS] Of course,
if I were going to get involved,

I'd suggest you slip away now,
while they're clearing the tables.

That way Hickey won't have
precise knowledge of your whereabouts,

and I could, hypothetically,
generate a series of excuses

-regarding your location.
-You're the best.

Ready for adventure?

Can't we just grab a refreshing cola
and call it a day?

Not when truth
is mere moments away. [GROANS]

MILO: You see a water fountain in there?

"Good corporate citizen," huh?

[GASPS]

Disco!

-[WHISTILING] And look at this baby.
-She's a beaut. A real beaut.

[MACHINE WHIRRING]

PEPPER ANN: Only one seat cover?

Some friend of the environment!

Take that, you filthy microbe!

Nineteen, 20. I knew it!

All right, Liederhosen.
Where are Pearson and Kamalani?

Uh. I...

Those aren't the students
you're looking for.

Those aren't the students I'm looking for.

NICKY: Everyone, enjoy the puppet show.

Everyone, enjoy the puppet show!

[GRUNTS] Come on, come on, help me.

Can't help. [COUGHS]

Swollen epiglottis.

[GRUNTS]

[BOTH GROAN]

Happy, well-paid work force?

[GROANS]

[OPERA MUSIC PLAYING, FADING]

-[GROANS]
-On top of your toilet

All covered with microbes

-...twenty-three.
-[STUDENTS APPLAUDING]

For the last time,
where are Pearson and Kamalani?

NICKY: Principal Hickey, watch this!

Nicky Little, you're amazing!

-[STATIC]
-What? They wandered where?

You! Responsible girl! Entertain them.

Oh, Principal Hickey! Watch this!

Stretch and kick-ball-change,
kick-ball-change. Saucy.

[GROANS]
Do you believe what's going on here?

-[CHOKES]
-I know, it's awful.

But we can summon our courage
and rip the shiny cover

off this shrink-wrapped palace of lies.

[BOTH SCREAM]

-I want a hard-target search...
-[GASPS]

...of every hallway, alleyway, and byway
in a hundred-yard radius.

Your fugitives' names
are Kamalani and Pearson!

MILO: No!

-[PANTS]
-[PANTS] Wait. Wait.

-[STOMACH RUMBLING]
-[GROANS]

I think I got a Choca-cramp!

[BOTH SCREAM]

[BOTH SCREAM]

Mr. Paper, I am so sorry.

Mr. Paper?

Sanford I. Paper?

My friends call me Sani.

Here's the news, Paper.

-We're shutting you down!
-[GRUNTS]

First of all,
why is a good corporate citizen

pumping out poison? The toxins I saw...

Belong to my competitor.

I buy them with my own money

to stop him from dumping them
into Lake Filbert.

Oh.

Well, what about the fact
it takes one redwood

to make a single seat cover?

Such waste is appalling.

True, if the rest of the tree
wasn't used to make other goods.

Such as bunk beds for the orphanage,
picnic tables for the homeless,

and that party mix
you're eating, young man.

[MUNCHES, CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Okay.

Then explain the fact that you have
children doing manual labor! Ha!

If you're referring
to our free day care center,

we do supply our toddlers
with tiny, plush,

compressed-felt hammers to help them
develop hand-eye coordination.

Oh, you're gonna pay this time.

Both you and Kamalani.

I'll fix it so you never ask another...

-[GULPS]
-PRINCIPAL HICKEY: ...question again!

MR. PAPER: Oh, back off, Hickey!

True, they did foolishly plunge
into danger without getting all the facts.

But you did one thing very right.

You questioned authority.

And that kind of curiosity
is more precious than gold.

Heaven knows, it's kept me young
and spry! [CHUCKLES, COUGHS]

[INHALES]

I'd like you to join my elite corps
of environmental watchdogs,

the Danger Rangers.

[STUDENTS APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

I won't let you down, Paper!

I'll be out of detention
and ready to ranger in eight to ten weeks.

[INHALING] I do my time
on behalf of our delicate Mother Earth.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[SIGHING] There they go, Gene.

The future of America.

And for one brief, shining moment,
I had their ear.

I only hope I got through to them.

I'm sure you did, sir.

Did you see the way that thirsty boy
looked at you?

[CHUCKLES] It was as if he was going
to burst with pride!

Don't you understand?

I have to go to the bathroom!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING]

And the winner of the Nobel Prize
for science is...

Pepper Ann Pearson!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING]

-Ever since I was a little kid...
-[AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING]

I've dreamed only of the glory that is...

[GROANS] I'm so sorry. [EXHALES]

There seems to have been
a terrible mistake.

-[AUDIENCE GASPING]
-The real recipient

of the Nobel Prize for science is,

Alice Kane!

-[AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING]
-What?

Alice Kane.
Winner of three consecutive science fairs!

-The pride of Oakwoodseednut County.
-[GRUNTS]

MR. CARTER: Alice Kane.

Whose last year's delightful project,
Possum in a Barrel,

warms my heart to this day.
[BREATHES HEAVILY, SNIFFLES]

Great gravity... [INHALES]
...let's hear it for Alice Kane!

-[EXCLAIMS]
-[STUDENTS APPLAUDING]

MR. CARTER: [INHALES]
You have one month to get your projects

ready for this year's science fair.

-[GROWLS]
-MR. CARTER: If you need anything...

-[GROWLS]
-MR. CARTER: ...at all, feel free to ask

Alice Kane.

PEPPER ANN: "Ask Alice Kane."

[GROWLS]

I only have one month
to construct the perfect project

that will topple Alice Kane
from her possum...

-[ALICE GROANS]
-...pedestal.

Oh, Pepper Ann, not again.

This insane competition between you
and Alice Kane has got to stop.

Nicky, you know better than anyone
that she has beaten me

at everything my whole life.

-[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
-My whole life.

You are exaggerating.

I remember very distinctly
that you beat Alice Kane

at... at... at...

ALICE: There you are, P. Ann.

It's Pepper Ann.

I just wanted to wish you good luck
in coming in second place this year.

As I sit atop my first-place perch,
I root for you. [CHUCKLES]

My project this year
is a personal best. [INHALES]

I have invented a battery-powered,
temperature-regulated, body muff. [LAUGHS]

Polar expeditions will never be the same.

Skiing the Alps will feel like
tanning on Miami Beach.

Don't you see, P. Ann?
I am a genius! [LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

[SCREAMS]

[PEPPER ANN CHUCKLING, SIGHING]

-You're sick!
-PEPPER ANN: Oh, yeah?

I'll show Alice Kane,
I'll show you, I'll show everyone.

I'll become a legend in my own...

LYDIA: Time for dinner!

-PEPPER ANN: Coming.
-[THUDDING]

[MACHINE WHIRRING]

Peppie, have you seen
my Suzy Bake Oven? I wanna make jerky.

[MACHINE STOPS WHIRRING]

No.

[MACHINE WHIRRING]

Pepper Ann, have you seen
my other workout sock?

I've got butt-abs-and-thighs
in 15 minutes!

Yes, I have, Mother, and let me just say

that those thick, bulky socks
do not do justice

to your slim, delicate ankles.

Here. Footies.

Well, thank you, Peppie. [CHUCKLES]

[HUMS]

Today is the science fair.

[INHALES]
Today, I will knock the body-muff

off of Alice Kane, Mr. Carter,
and the entire class.

Ta-ta, Madre.

I leave here a child and shall return
an award-winning scientist!

How are you getting your project home?

Do you need a ride?

-[VOICE ECHOES] Ride, ride...
-PEPPER ANN: No!

I'm gonna... I... [HESITATES]
...I was thinking I would... [EXHALES]

Award-winning scientists' mothers
don't pick them up after school.

I'll pick you up at 3:00.

-[CLEARS THROAT]
-[GASPS]

Here's the plan.
Approach school from the north side.

Why is this picture of me so ugly?

In the event that someone says hi to you,
please respond with a hi, and a hi only.

-[WOOD CREAKING]
-[GASPS]

Under no circumstances
are you to acknowledge me,

i.e. no sweet chitchat, no silly jokes,
and most importantly,

-no hugs.
-No hugs.

As long as we follow the rules,
I think we'll be fine.

Aren't you late?

[YELLS] I'm late!

[SIGHS]

-ALICE: Hey!
-[GASPS]

P. Ann, try not to blow it this year.

-Loser! [LAUGHS]
-[LAUGHS]

Back off, Possum Girl!

-[STUDENT 1 CLEARING THROAT]
-[STUDENTS GASPING]

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

My papier-mâché volcano
with simulated lava action,

packs enough expl*sive power
to knock me on my...

Asphalt, when coated with lard
and fired in a kiln,

makes a sturdy yet tasteful platter,
perfect for serving any...

Mealworms forced to cohabitate in...

-[MOUTHING]
-Cheese mold, become surly...

TESSA:
Depressed and completely...

-VANESSA: Psy...
-TESSA: Cho...

Tic, tic, tic goes my turnip head clock,
which is, like,

not even the best feature
since the fake eyelashes

also make cool sideburns...

PEPPER ANN: Ah. Look at her.
As if anyone's even listening.

No one cares what you're saying,
Alice Kane.

[SCOFFING] Go on.

Keep talking, Alice Kane.
Just dig yourself in deeper.

I give you the simple but revolutionary

-Al-ice-Kaneulator!
-[GROANS]

[ALL CHEER]

Second place is yours, P. Ann!

Your first-place gig is up, Alice Kane.

How many of you like these?

-I do, I do!
-I do, I do!

But hate doing this?

-STUDENT 2: Oh, that's a bad thing.
-STUDENT 3: Yeah.

Well, I have figured out a way to convert
this luscious ambassador of tooth decay

into a powerhouse of dental hygiene.

My science fair colleagues,
I give you MoLar!

Creator of the first-ever
cavity fighting sandwich cookie.

Shall we?

[YAWNS] Excuse me.

It's just... just warming up.
[CLEARS THROAT]

[GRUNTS]

[GROANS]

-[EXHALES]
-Mm.

My life is trash.

[WHIRRING]

-Uh-oh. [SCREAMS]
-[GASPS]

[BOTH GASP]

[SLURPS]

Oh. [CHUCKLES, LICKS]
This is yummy there, huh?

[LICKS] Pepper Ann,

you've created tartar control Frothaccino!

[STUDENTS CHEER]

Oh! One-side there,
little Miss Alice Kane.

[GASPS]

I think we have a new winner
in town! [CHUCKLES]

[STUDENTS CHEERING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

-[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]
-[FOOTSTEPS THUMPING]

Cool.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

-Yeah. Thanks! Don't touch the pencil.
-[STUDENTS CHEERING]

Yeah. Thanks.

Hello, Average Alice K.

I deserve that.

I guess I underestimated you.

Anyway, congratulations, P... epper Ann.

You beat me.

Alice Kane, Alice Kane,

I've learned
that it's not about beating you.

It's about challenging myself,
both intellectually and creatively.

Well, enjoy the spotlight, Pepper Ann.

It has a lovely glow.

But beware...

-[WIND BLOWING]
-...for it can also burn.

CRAIG: Hey, Pearson.

Nice froth.

[SIGHS] "Nice froth."
Can you believe that? The spotlight rules!

[GASPS] Oh, Peppie! I am so proud of you!

Oh, oh!

[SMOOCHES]

-[BEEPING]
-[GRUNTS]

No!

-Oh, no way.
-Oh, no way.

Wretch!

My possum was right. [LAUGHS]
You are a loser!

I was right. She is a loser!

[STUDENTS LAUGH, SMOOCH]

[TIRES SCREECH]

How does it feel to be totally humiliated?

FEMALE REPORTER:
Uh. Is the spotlight making you sweat?

Are you going to give back the pencil?

What do you know?
Try to burn me with my own spotlight.

LYDIA: Uh. Peppie? Yoo-hoo?

Mom! The rules. [GROANS]

What? You said no hugs.
You didn't say anything about kisses.

I'll, uh, remind you to add "no kisses"
to the list.

And I'll remind you I won the big pencil!

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[THEME MUSIC CONCLUDING]