06x03 - Blast From The Past

[bunniefuu]

The following programme contains very
strong language and adult humour.

♪ We're on the f*cking lash. ♪

We're going... last to f*cking...

♪ Why don't we do it in the road...?

Here we f*cking go.

Snooker f*cking time!

♪ Why don't we do it in the road...?

Go for the pink.

♪ Why don't we do it in the road...?

Oh.

f*cking good old Vinnie.

Mm.

Huh, what the f*ck?

♪ Why don't we do it
In the road...? ♪

f*cking hell.

Oh.

f*cking Shirley.

What do you want? Goldilocks.

Ooh, f*ck me. Er... Yeah. Alright!

♪ The best things in life are free

♪ But you can give them
To the birds and bees... ♪

Christ on a f*cking bike.
What are playing at?!

You could have died
if he hadn't saved you.

It's your fault
for leaving me them spliffs.

You f*cking... SPECIFICALLY...

told me to roll and leave you spliffs.

Have you said thanks to him for
saving your f*cking life?

Thanks.

Wasn't really me, it was Elvis here.
He's my new er... hired hand.

We were working late on the silage,
and I heard the alarm.

You're a f*cking hero
is what you are, Elvis,

in your own bleeding lifetime, lad.

- f*ck me.
- Hey.

You should have seen the flames.
It were like Towering Inferno.

- Towering Inferno?
- Don't ask.

It'll be a sh*t f*cking film
from a bygone age.

No. Star-studded cast -
Steve McQueen, Paul Newman.

- Faye Dunaway takes her top off.
- What are you gonna do tonight, eh?

- Cos you can't stay in there, can you?
- f*cking bollocks.

Soon as they've watered it down,
I'll be good as gold.

Fella. Sorry to bother
you. Have you got a sec?

Yeah.

What's the odds on him
staying in there, tonight?

Zero. It's full of toxic particles.

Toxic particles.
I'll leave the f*cking window open.

- You're not getting back in there.
- Oh, for f*ck's sake!

That Elvis is a nice lad, isn't he?

You could do with a nice strong
young man about that yard, you know?

- Well, don't say it like that.
- Say it like what?

- In a g*y way.
- I'm not saying it in a g*y way.

I'm saying you're not
getting any younger,

and if tonight's events were
anything to go by,

your f*cking dementia's
bad an' all, in't it?

Mind the bloody handle
on that. It's f*cked.

I'm fine.

You're f*cking not. You're old.

I tell you what...

Elvis is a brave name to call
your son, in't it? Very bold.

It's like calling
your kid Caesar or summat.

It's a lot to live up to, that.

Went out with this woman once -
had a kid called Elvis.

Amazing, she was.

Computer whizz.
Hey, before it was fashionable.

- It's never been cool.
- Wasn't just sex, Vin.

- She got inside me.
- With the...?

No! You f*cking animal.

You...! f*cking hell.

Although...

she was sexually adventurous.

- Was she, indeed?
- Very.

- Alright.
- No, Vin. VERY.

I f*cking understand.

Beatrice Ebden.

I can see her now.

D... Beatrice Ebden?

- Yeah...
- You great twat.

- What?
- For God's sake, dude.

Bloody Elvis. I says to him...

'Do you do any agency work?'

Give you a f*cking hand
around the yard. He's text me...

his f*cking second name. Look.

f*cking hell. Elvis Ebden.

- He's Beatrice's son.
- When were last time you seen her?

- Years back.
- Well, he might be your lad.

He's not mine, is he?!
He was already born when I saw her.

Doesn't matter, though, does it?

So she had him before she met you.

- What's the problem?
- Nothing.

- Mm.
- It's just...

f*cking hell.

Beatrice Ebden.

Beatrice bloody Ebden.

I need a wazz.

f*ck.

f*cking hell, Bea.

♪ When I look up to the sky
I see your eyes

♪ A funny kind of yellow... ♪

Oh, bugger me.

Morning.

Where do you keep coming from?

Unknown number. Piss.

Oh, f*ck it.

Hello.

Holy f*ck!

What?

Listen. I need to borrow an hearse and a
body bag cos we've gotta bring someone back.

- You paying?
- Meena, it's a favour.

- Well, how long's it gonna take?
- I...

don't... know.

f*ck's sake.

♪ Some folks are born
Made to wave the flag... ♪

I didn't know you had a dog.

I don't. He's not mine. It keeps
turning up at the bloody shack.

Don't know what to do with it now,
to be honest with you.

There's only two options. Well, three.

Oh! Maybe four. No, three.

Give me the f*cking options
before I m*rder you.

- Adopt him.
- Right.

- Take him to the pound.
- Yeah.

Or...

drive him right to the top
of Langworth Dale,

lob him out, let him fend for himself.

You're just an horrible...
f*cking old twat, aren't you?

I would rather live with that scruffy
b*stard there than live with you.

There's services coming up there.
Can we stop?

Well, if we stop now, you'll piss,
then drink, then 20 minutes later,

your swollen old prostate will
have us stopping all over again.

Well, fine.

I'll use your water bottle, then!

- Hey!
- Gross.

- Do not get that out!
- It's coming down the valve.

- No. You dare put your d*ck in there!
- Oh, I'm loosening. I swear to God.

- Oh.It's coming out!
- One drop, and I swear to God!

- The f*cking services, then!
- Fine!

f*ck. Disgusting farmer d*ck.

Oh, f*cking...

How, in God's name,
has it taken you that long?

I've bought a coffee, drank the coffee,

smoked a f*g and called my mum.

It turned into a surprise sh*t.

- Did it?
- Yeah.

But not a satisfying one.

It was a hanger. There was
a piece that wouldn't fall.

So I had to sit a minute
and encourage it.

- Right, can we go?
- Hey.

You'll never guess what they've
got in there, in the condom machine.

Vibrating dilly rings.

Vibrating dilly rings?

- And tingly body rub.
- Is 'dilly' your word or theirs?

- Mine.
- You call your p*nis a dilly?

Eh. You're missing the point.

Who goes to a f*cking services
and thinks,

'Oh, I'll treat myself
to some tingly body lotion

and a vibrating dilly ring?'

It's bad enough
I've had to tolerate your halitosis

for the first half of this trip.

And now you're talking about tingly
body rub and vibrating dilly rings.

A woman can only take so much.

You're a bit f*cking uptight,
aren't you?

No wonder your husband left you.

You f*cking what?

Hey? Unlike you...

I've got time to find someone better.

Someone that's gonna f*cking love me,

which is something a disgusting,

stinky old dilly-ring twat
like you will never find!

I'm lovable!

- I've been loved.
- f*ck off!

- And I'll be loved again!
- Yes, guys.

Wagwan. You alright?

She's f*cking bats.

Is everything alright?

- f*ck. Watch my f*cking head.
- Oh, sorry.

Woo, he's a big weeing lad, aren't you?

- Hello?
- Er... Now, then. Er... Undertakers.

We're here to collect a body
from flat five.

- A body?!
- Yes, shame. Drugs.

Drug taking.

f*cking hell.

- Who called you?
- The Landlord.

- Finchy?
- Yes... Mr Finch.

Did you know him, flat five man?

No. Not at all. Never met him.

Oh.Well, erm...
you can leave it to us now.

Why's there a scruffy old tr*mp
in your hearse?

He's sad. He's a sad...
He's a relative.

- He's a relative of the deceased.
- With a dog?

Oh, yeah. It's all he's got left,
unfortunately. It's heartbreaking.

Oh, dear.

You're a hero.
Thanks for letting us in.

- OK.
- Ah, just go!

Be careful!

Do you want an invite
to the funeral, fella?

- No.
- Right you are.

This way, please.

Why the f*ck does Vinnie want me
to bring a baby to an undertaker's?

I'm really sorry, Sugar, to drag
you down here, you and the baba.

But I need you to come and...
identify this body. Unfortunately.

You f*cking kidding? I don't wanna see
a dead body. Who is it?

No, I'm not kidding.

No, and no-one said it isn't sad.

Jim, if you could just
take the top zip there, please.

- Do you recognise this man?!
- Ooh!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

How are you back?

I just couldn't
be away from you any longer.

And the police were onto me,
so we had to get out of undercover.

I've missed you both, so much.

I mean, if you can even miss someone
you've never met before.

Well, you can meet him now.

- One boy.
- Oh, Christ.

Look at him!

It's my little boy. Hello!

- Look at his little hands...
- Precious man.

Oh, come here.

- Say hello to your dad. Say hello!
- It's OK.

- I love you.
- Love you too.

Look at him.

♪ I left my head

♪ Look behind, moving on

♪ Moving on... ♪

Shirley!

I need a place to stay.

- Well, well, well.
- I got kicked out of Vinnie's shack.

We may have had
our differences over the years,

but like the European Union -
before you idiots got us out -

I see us as a shared community.

- How long you on holiday for?
- Seven days. Four-star hotel.

- Breakfast included.
- I'll be out before you get back.

Spare room only.
I'll be locking my bedroom door.

You don't go in, and no shoes
on my rugs. And no smoking.

- Anything else?
- Yeah.

f*cking thank you.

f*cking thank you.

Oh, posh place.

♪ But there's someone
Who's torn it apart

♪ And she's taken almost all
That I've got

♪ And if you want
I'll try to love again

♪ Baby, I'll try to love again

♪ But I know

♪ The first cut is the deepest... ♪

Hello, Bea. Fancy a drink?

Yes.

Not f*cking bad, Jim.

♪ I've gotta be me... ♪

Oh, I see my appointment.

Selling some shares.

Alright.

Silicon Valley, eh?

What are they like? Twats.

I thought we did very well. Alright.

- See you tomorrow.
- See you later.

Nice chatting, pal.

Er... Meeting cancelled.

Oh.

Fancy seeing you here, Bea.

Oh, it's been so long.

Well, er... it's just a coincidence.

sh*t!

You alright down there?

Fine. Just ignore me.

Have you lost something?

No. I'm hiding.
Just get on with what you're doing.

I'm afraid you can't sit there, mate.

- Why not?
- It's Health and Safety.

It's a floor.
What do you think's gonna happen?

- Something could fall on you.
- It's f*cking breadsticks.

I'm gonna have to ask you to move.

When I was your age, I was stirring
slurry and getting into fist fights,

not putting breadsticks on shelves
and w*nk*ng to Pornhub.

I'm gonna call my supervisor.

- f*cking do that, pal.
- Brendan.

This man's on the floor,
and he's refusing to move.

Jim?

Bea.

I... I dropped something.

Ha, God!

Fancy meeting you here.

I know! It's been...
How long's it been?

- Ages.
- Ages.

- God. I mean, this is madness!
- Yeah!

- Well, give us a hug.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh.

You're looking well.

- Do you work round here, then?
- Er... Yeah, not far. Porter Collins.

Never heard of 'em.

Are you er... still on the old...?

For my sins.

I always told you
I was ahead of the curve.

You did.

Are you still...?

I mean, what else am I gonna do, eh?

It's real man's work, in't it?

It's so lovely to see you, Jim.

You too.

Right.

Right.

I suppose...

you know, if it...
if it's not too weird...

Well, maybe we could meet up,

you know, go for a drink or something?

Sir.

I'm informed you've
been unpleasant to my staff,

so I'm gonna have to ask you
to leave the store.

I'm having a conversation
with this lady,

so why don't you... and you...

come back to me when you've
finished f*cking puberty.

- I can call the police.
- Well, why don't you do that, then?

And then they can arrest this chap
for crimes against haircuts.

I'm instructing the till operator
not to serve you.

OK, then, we'll use self-checkout.

Unbelievable.

- It's fashion.
- Yeah, right.

My card.

Cretinous, I know,
but they make us carry them.

Thanks, Bea.

- I'll speak to you.
- I'll be in touch.

Good.

So... what do you think, Vincent?

sh*t.

Look. I don't...

I don't mind...
I don't mind working with you.

But I'm not working with McCann.
He's f*cking dangerous.

Don't you worry
about McCann, sweetheart.

I'm dealing with him personally...

although he's an impossible man
to get hold of.

Now, listen, Vincent.

Jason has set up a meeting
for me and Donna,

with Joey Kittens, the distributor.

And I'm hearing that he's a man
not to be messed with.

He's been known to dish out punishment
beatings with his three-inch heels.

Oh, sh*t. Right, well, just... f*ck.

Let me know when it's all sorted.
I've gotta go off-radar for a bit.

- I've got some personal sh*t going on.
- Off-radar?

- Playing with your pooch?
- No, he's not mine.

It's cute. Whose is it?

I don't know, poor little bugger.
I'll tell you one thing.

Mm.

He f*cking hates white guys
with moustaches.

That's a strange prejudice for a dog.

- Mm.
- Hello.

Come here. Come to Davey.

D'you know what I mean?

If he growls at me
like that again, Vincent,

I'll drop kick the motherless mutt...

into Manolito's
marvellously manicured maze.

- Christ, that's a lot of M's.
- Toodle-oo, Vincent.

Alright.

Come on, sexy bollocks,
let's have you. Oh, Christ,

Talking about sexy f*cking bollocks.
Size of them f*ck.

Got this, Jim.

Oh.

- No!
- No. No. We did.

We dropped the whole lot.

Oh, my God! How much was that worth?

Oh, thousands.

One spunk sample
from a film-star bull...

can sell for hundreds of pounds.

- Wow, I'm in the wrong business.
- You are.

Bull jizz, that's where
the real dough is.

Mind you, you're doing alright.

Porter Collins...

online security executive.

I sit at a desk all day
staring at columns of code.

My back's playing havoc,
and my neck constantly burns.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Can I tell you something?

- Oh, God, you're not dying, are you?
- Oh!

Heart of a f*cking ox, me.

No, it's about, erm...

- ..how we met again.
- Right.

The accidental meeting...

..wasn't so accidental.

- How do you mean?
- Right, don't get angry, but...

..I'd looked you up... on your website.

And then, sort of... followed you.

Not in a creepy way.

I-I just wanted to see you again.

I wasn't even sure
I was gonna say anything.

What prompted that?

Well, it's, erm...

..your Elvis.

I met him. He saved my life.

He's working at the next farm.

He didn't recognise me.

Not a flicker.
And I didn't recognise him.

It was just the name.

Yeah. He's a good boy.

He got over it.

I suppose kids...

..adapt and...

- ..forget.
- Took a while.

After what happened.

I kept my marriage together
for a while, for his sake.

But eventually...

- How about you?
- Well.

Mine was as good as over then.

God, this has got heavy, hasn't it?

- Yeah.
- Let's get another drink.

- Yeah. Yeah. Hey, mate.
- Let's get-

Can we have the same again?

You know one of those daft things
that stays with you?

- I've no idea why.
- What?

We used to always
start each phone call with...

- Hey, missy.
- Hey, mister.

And we'd end them with,

- 'Bye, you.'
- Bye, you.

We were cute.

Yeah.

I see couples like that now...

and I wanna vomit.

Me too.

So... what now?

I've er...

I've got an early start...

..in the morning.

Yeah. Yeah, me too.

- Right, well, er...
- Absolutely.

- Yeah.
- Right, then.

Well, we'll do this another time,

- if you like?
- Yeah. Yeah, definitely!

- Yeah.
- Definitely.

- Definitely.
- Bye, Jim.

Bye, Bea.

f*ck.

Do you know what, yeah?

I've had a lot of time to think
while I've been away.

And I've figured out a theory about
how I've ended up in this f*cking mess.

D'you think it's cos
you sold class A's, like a twit?

No, dude.

- Sarim.
- Sarim.

- He's f*cking set me up.
- Why would your cousin set you up?

Because he's a f*cking prick,
and I've... always hated him.

- Look, just hear me out, right?
- Go on.

I was only storing coke in
the garage for a cut of the profit.

- Which is also a d*ck move.
- Yeah, alright, I know.

But even then,
literally selling tiny amounts.

Just to make a little bit more
for the baby.

But Sarim...
he sold f*cking kilos of it.

And I think he has thrown me under
the bus to deflect from himself.

f*cking hell. Right, well, we better
prove your bloody innocence.

We better do it quick, an' all, if
you're gonna get a lesser sentence.

Do you know what we're gonna do?

We're gonna set him up.

Am I a genius, or am I a genius?

You are a genius, but it looks...

I just feel like
they might be a bit showbiz.

Showbiz they may look, but what
the untrained eye doesn't see...

There's a high definition camera
right in the middle of these specs.

It's in the frame, wired in.
Next question?

Why do you have 'em?

Got them online. Just thought
they were quite exciting

in a James Bond kind of way.

They're nothing like Ja...
James Bond doesn't even wear glasses.

Yeah, well, I got these as well.
Cigarettes, little camera inside.

That's good.
I like this one. It's a lot less.

Whose dog is that?
Has it been here the whole time?

I forgot about him.
He's been abandoned.

It's a f*cking shame.
I'm just looking after him.

Stay on topic, will you?
You always do this.

Right, right. We go and see Sarim.
What are we trying to achieve?

We want a confession.
So, he thinks JJ's on the run, right?

I'm gonna offer up JJ's garage.

Then we'll just push him
for more information.

- Know what I mean?
- Think that'll work?

f*ck, yeah, it'll work.

Sarim's a greedy f*ck.
He'll see pounds signs. Anyway.

Look, we've got all t'gear.

- Yeah.
- Maybe not them, though.

Speaking of pushing for information.

I'm James Bond, and you're stung.

They don't look like
James Bond glasses, dude.

- These are very cool.
- He's never said anything like that.

This is what they wear in West London.

Hello. Hello. Well!

- Welcome to London.
- Mate. Mate. Mate.

Tommo, will you come pick us up?

They're driving me f*cking mad,
these two c**ts. Good lad.

Now...

JJ wants you to know
he's safe, alright?

He also wants you to know...

that that garage...

that's yours... to do what you will.

You know what I mean? Now, listen.

He's giving you the garage
under one condition.

You have to give us


that you f*cking sell in
or store in the garage.

You understand what I'm
f*cking getting at?

Eg... cocaine.

- Cocaine.
- Cocaine?

- I mean, it's cocaine, in't it?
- It's cocaine, yeah.

Cocaine.

It's probably cocaine.

- Cocaine?
- Cocaine.

Cocaine.

I'm an estate agent.

- Cocaine.
- It's a generous offer, but...

all that drugs business is JJ's doing.

How many f*cking houses do you sell?

You drive a fifty grand car...

living in that f*cking enormous house.

You're not hiding it well, are you?
What's he on?

That f*cking beautiful estate -
Leycroft, or some sh*t.

I'm involved in nothing.
I'm a hard-working man...

...that goes out every day
and builds a life for his family.

I'm a loving husband,
and an honest, decent man.

Yeah.

Send JJ my best.

Nice glasses, by the way.

Nice sh**t. Suit. f*ck!

Who wears Joop nowadays?
Do you know what I mean?

He didn't trust us during that.
I don't know why.

It's your Mr Magoo glasses.

- Isn't it?
- You look like Edna Mode.

- That's such a good reference. Well in.
- Incredibles.

I should have brought
the cigarette packet instead.

Right, well, we tried as best,
didn't we, eh?

All we can do now is give JJ a very
good happy-going-to-jail party.

♪ Hello, again, yeah, it's me again

♪ I changed my hair

♪ I changed my address

♪ But the feelings follow

♪ Wherever you tread

♪ I sing for money

♪ Dance if you like

♪ Take a picture, it's a short life

♪ I wanna feel alive...

♪ Short life

♪ Burning on and not turning back

♪ It's a short life, short life

♪ Burning on and not turning back

♪ A short life
Underneath the same sun

♪ So hold on to someone

♪ It's a short life, a short life

♪ So dance with someone, come on... ♪

Well, this is unexpected.

Joey...

I'm Donna.

- And I want to start by saying...
- No.

You're wearing lovely lippy.

And I like your hair.

It... flatters you.

But when it comes to business,
I'm old-school.

So I'll be talking to your brother. Hm?

We're an equal partnership...

aren't we?

Like Wham.

So, what is it you want from me?

Continuity, sweetheart.

In Manolito's absence,
we provide the same product,

and the relationship continues
as it did before.

The only change being I'm not Egyptian,

and I don't have
a penchant for exotic monkeys.

Except that one.

OK, agreed.

As long as you get authorisation from
Mr McCann, we're continuity-a-go-go.

That's a dealbreaker... is it?

Problem, exotic monkey?

No, absolutely no problem at all.

Is it, Donna?

Okey-dokey.

I mean, I might get ten years.

I can't get f*cking ten years.

How are you gonna get ten years
on a first offence?

- You thick twat.
- Well, five, then.

Come out of prison,
little fella's gonna be in school.

He's not even gonna know me.

What else are you gonna do,
JJ? You've tried running.

It's either go to prison or hide out in
Vin's shack for the rest of your life.

That bloke in the Scottish
Highlands, he did forty years -

said he preferred being alone.

That sounds nice.

f*cking sounds nice. You can't
be on your own for five minutes.

You can't have a poo
without needing a chat.

f*cking... Sarim, yeah?
Do you know what pisses me off?

I know he's been up
to all kinds of sh*t.

I've been to his house.
I've seen him on his f*cking laptop.

But he's Teflon, ain't he? Everyone
thinks he's this respectable guy.

We need access to his computer, so.

None of us know how to do that.

Oh, f*cking Beatrice!

- Beatrice, dude.
- What about her?

You told me she was a computer whizz.
You ask her.

- Oh, no.
- You will.

- No. No. No. No.
- Come on.

Every single time I've f*cking
involved a female friend...

in your bullshit,
it ends in f*cking disaster!

- One time.
- Twice.

- This'll be the third?
- Yes!

Jim.

Does she know how to hack
into computers?

Almost certainly.

- She's gotta f*cking help me, then.
- She's a f*cking professional person!

- She can f*cking give us a hand.
- Jim, look at that baby's face.

- Do not make me look at the baby.
- Look at that baby.

I won't look at the baby!

Do you want that baby to grow up
without his dad?

Look at the baby.

Aww.

- I'll ask her, you f*cking twats.
- Yes! Good lad.

Are you aware
of the 1990 Computer Misuse Act?

Or the 2018 Data Protection Act?

I mean, cybercrime carries
a potential two-year imprisonment.

You're right. I told 'em.

But he's a desperate man,
and he's clutching at straws.

Look, forget I asked. I'll bell him
up and tell him it's no dice.

Hey. I didn't say I wouldn't do it.

I just said it's incredibly risky.

But I could be persuaded.

- Bea...
- What?

Are you sure about this?

Oh! Well, it seems you are.

Oh, I've got a b*ner
like a wood mallet.

But your lad's in that field.

I'm parked round the back -
he doesn't know I'm here.

Bea.

Splitting up with you...

..it did a number on me.

I don't wanna open myself up
to that again.

You won't. I promise.

You and me were right, Jim.

It's just the time that was wrong.

I still like ALL the same things.

Oh, f*ck.

Right, I've set a program running
that scans 100,000 options a minute

to crack Sarim's password.

- Does it usually work?
- What's your password?

Carol... 6969.

- Christ.
- Exactly.

It's something easy to remember.

You want my advice, use an underscore -

massive pain in the bum
to hack an underscore.

Right, well, let's hope
Sarim hasn't used one.

- No, we're in.
- You're f*cking joking.

- That was really f*cking quick.
- Expert, you see?

Computer genius.

It's just about
knowing the right software.

Right, I need plausible deniability.

I'm not looking at a single email.

I'm going to leave the room
and fix myself a drink.

- Listen, like, thank you so much.
- Pleasure.

- She's amazing.
- You, dickhead.

- Where the f*ck did you find her?
- She's an old friend of mine.

I think you're punching
way above your weight.

OK, right, we need notes, screenshots -

anything in these emails
that can incriminate Sarim.

Go on. I don't
understand this sh*t, dude.

Now I've done a favour for him,
I need yous to do a favour for me.

There's a sentence to put
the fear of God into the heart.

- What do you want from us?
- You're travellers.

You live in shitty caravans.

- Oi!
- f*cking watch it, Jim.

We are f*cking travellers.
We don't live in shitty caravans.

Your f*cking people do. I need one...

to live in while the repairs
are being done on my house.

- Are you not staying with Paslowski?
- Yeah, while he's away.

But he's due back on Sunday, and
I'm not gonna stay living with him

like we're Morecambe and cunting Wise.

OK. I have an idea. Now,
will you require an indoor toilet?

f*ck me, you'll need a f*cking
indoor, outdoor, the lot.

Unless you want him sh1tting all
over t'front garden like a feral fox.

Bloody arsehole on this b*stard here.

It's weary from years of toil.

Oh!

Well, it looks like
you've still got some feelings

for the old flame, doesn't it, eh?

- What makes you think that?
- Well, I f*cking saw it. I could tell.

Women.

They just break your heart
and screw you up.

Well, sounds like there's a story
in that. Are you gonna tell me?

I don't wanna talk about it.

Oh, will you piss off, man?
Get it off your f*cking chest.

Come on.

We were both married... but not happy.

We started having an affair.

It was the first time
in my life, that...

I couldn't stop thinking about someone.

- I was f*cking besotted.
- Yeah.

Oh, I know you think I'm just
an old c**t that stinks of pigs.

You are.

- But I have feelings, Vin.
- I know.

Just because I don't post 'em on
Facefuck like the rest of the world.

Don't... Don't get into
one of your rants.

Tell me how you split up.
What happened?

Well, she's sexually...

very adventurous.

- You did... Yeah, you mentioned that.
- No, Vin.

Very.

- I mean, I'm broadminded.
- Hmm.

But every time we'd done one thing...

- she wanted to push it further.
- Right.

- And further.
- Alright.

Yeah, and you do it, don't you,
if you're besotted?

Yeah. I know what you mean.
Yeah. I get it, I do. I mean...

Well, we were at her house one day.

Thought we had
the place to ourselves, and...

she'd arranged this...

particular adventure.

And we were right in the midst of it -

f*cking worst possible moment...

- ..when in walked little Elvis.
- Oh, sh*t.

We didn't see him straight away
because, like, we were so...

I mean, f*cking God knows
how much he saw.

But we just heard this little voice.

- 'Mummy?'
- Ah.

And he was just f*cking stood there...

Yeah...

...like the f*cking image
would be burnt on his eyeballs

for the rest of his f*cking life.

- How old was he, though?
- Oh, I dunno, eight?

Eight.

She ended it with me straight away.

It broke her marriage,

and it tore
that f*cking kid's life apart.

I should never
have gone looking for her.

I should get her back
out of my life again.

Jimbo, that's a sh*t idea
if she's making you happy.

Happy? And what is happy?

It's like the f*cking sunshine.

Oh, it's nice while it's out,

and then suddenly, the clouds come
along, and you're piss-wet through.

f*ck it.

Happiness is a c**t.

Oh, my God.

Oh, Sarim, you naughty boy.

Ah, guys!

Guys! I think I know
what's going on. Right.

We are gonna need some hardcore
surveillance on this f*ck!

- Who knows how to use a camera?
- I do.

Aye, and me. I also... please.

- Let me have a go?
- No.

Please.

Do you know how to use it?

Er... Yes.
I've used a camera before, Meena.

OK, keep the subject centre of frame.

Use a long focal length for
exaggerated depth of field.

Use shorter lengths to balance sharpness
between foreground and background.

Be careful of camera shake.

These lenses magnify
the worst parts of your photo.

Oh, my God! You just keep it, then.

sh*t, he's on the move. Go.

♪ I'm on like Dr John, yeah, Mr Zu Zu

♪ I'm a newlywed, not a divorcee

♪ And everything I do is funky
Like Lee Dorsey

♪ Well, it's the taking
Of the Pelham 123

♪ If you want a doody rhyme...

- Get down.
- What are you doing?

- Just get down. Just be a tripod.
- f*ck.

- Hey!
- Hey, you said you wanted to help.

Not like this. It's demeaning, Meena.

Just stay still.

♪ I keep my underwear up
with a piece of elastic

♪ I use a bullshit mic
that's made out of plastic...

Can I at least press the button?

Fine, go on.

Thank you.

♪ Cos you can't
You won't, and you don't stop ♪

- Fine.
- Oh, yeah, finally.

Hello, this
is Beatrice Ebden, leave a message.

Bea.

It's Jim.

Listen, there's summat I need to say.

Jim?!

Jim, you f*cking deaf c**t!

Jim?!

Ha, mister! Do you know where Jim is?

Oh, he'll be over on his own farm.

I'm after getting him a caravan,

but I need a big strong vehicle
to help me pull it along.

- I can help, if you like?
- You can?

Oh, my God, you're an angel.
Do you know that?

This is our opportunity
to look f*cking cool.

- I wanna see some smouldering.
- Mm.

Intimidation.

- Absolutely!
- Yeah.

- Entrapment.
- Don't mention entrapment.

Listen, don't mention entrapment
or anything like that.

- Here we go.
- Oh, yeah, look, pillars.

- Just listen.
- Let's lean.

- Lean on the pillars.
- Don't do anything daft.

Already, you're f*ck'
getting on my t*ts.

- Looks cool.
- Don't lean on the pillars.

Intimidation. It's threatening and cool.

Dude, it looks like
a Christian rock album.

The three Muske-f*ck.

Nice to see you, too, Sarim.

Yeah, what the f*ck are you lot
doing here? This is my house.

What if my wife was here?

I don't want her knowing
I associate with low lives.

We knew your wife weren't here, Sarim.

We watched her leave.

- That was cool.
- Foreboding.

- That was foreboding.
- Yeah.

- Smouldering and everything.
- You've been watching my house?

Some new information has come to light.

May we?

This is you leaving
your estate agent's office.

This is you arriving at a house
for sale, meeting a female client.

Here you are going inside
with said female client.

Doing the same thing again,
at another house for sale,

with another female client,
and again, meeting a female client.

- That's you.
- That's me. Mixed them up.

- Why have you got that in there?
- That's one of mine. Yeah.

So what are you suggesting?

You're taking your lady friends
into the houses you have for sale.

And then I'll tell you
what you're doing.

I think you're using other people's
houses to store and sell your drugs.

Prove it.

Here you are receiving a
package full of drugs from this man.

Arriving at another house for sale,
waiting for this man...

to come and get it
from a black duffel bag.

I'm gonna take all this sh*t
we've gathered here,

and I'm gonna give it to Carl Slater.

- That dog-bumming twat?
- Yeah, the very same.

And when he sees all this, I think
he's gonna wanna look at houses...

- two, five, and seven, is it?
- Mm.

I reckon there's gonna be
a bunch of drugs in there

that belong to you an' all, in't there?

Looks like we're gonna have to ring
Detective Poodle Shagger.

- That's a bit close.
- Oh!

- Too close.
- f*cking JJ!

He deserves jail!

He ruined my f*cking wedding.

So, yes, I set him up!

And I'll tell you now,
if you lot squeal on me,

I'll take that b*stard down with me.

I'll say he's up to his eyes in gear.

And whatever I get,
he's gonna get the f*cking same.

Now, get the f*ck out of my house.

Yeah, I think we've got it. Say cheese.

Sorry about that.

A voicemail? Really?

Look, I just wanted to say
what I needed to say.

I helped your friend.
That was a criminal act.

You owe me.

Well, at least let me inside
so we can talk about this.

Come on.

I'll take that b*stard down with me.

And whatever I get,
he's gonna get the f*cking same.

That's quite the dossier.

Now, listen. JJ's no angel,

but he's not been selling cocaine

like Sarim's been
selling f*cking cocaine.

Yeah. He still jumped bail.

Yes, but only because,
you know, he's er...

scared and innocent.

- Innocent?
- He was just frightened.

He had no money
and this brand-new baby on the way.

So he sold a bit of gear like a muppet.

Yeah, well, you know,
it's understandable.

It's what any parents-to-be would do...

- take up the drug trade.
- Here, look, just trust me.

We're all mad with him
for doing what he's done.

He's missed the birth of his son.
I-I mean...

he's been terrified - looking over
his f*cking shoulder for months now.

Boo-hoo.

f*cking hell, right.

No, no, I'm sorry. I'm sorry,
I'm doing it. Carl. Carl, come here.

Look at that baby.

- I'm not looking at a baby.
- Look at it.

Look at the f*cking baby, Carl.
Right? Look at it!

Look at it, square in the eye.

Right, do you want that baby
to grow up fatherless?

Listen. Look at all three of us
under a f*cking bridge, doing this.

He had no mum and dad,

in and out of foster homes
all his life, and now he's f*cked.

My dad was a pisshead, and my mam
f*cked off when I was only little.

I'm f*cked! You had no dad around.

- Your nan had to drag you up.
- And her poodle.

- I swear to God...
- Argh.

Are you gonna
bring the f*cking poodle up now?

- Tell him you're sorry.
- Sorry. I am, actually. I'm sorry.

Listen, sending JJ to jail
serves zero purpose.

- Whereas Sarim...
- And his supplier.

You know, cos he will cough up.

But look, we're gonna
have to move f*cking quick,

or he's gonna move the evidence, man.

Oh.

Should we not leave
it outside Jim's house?

Oh, no, there's a few repairs
I can help him with.

I'll just get the tools.
You're a good man, you know, Elvis?

- You just help us uncouple it?
- No bother.

Mum?

♪ I would have given you
all of my heart...

♪ And she's taken
almost all that I've got...

♪ Baby, try to love again...

It won't fit in there! Argh!

Mummy?

♪ The first cut is the deepest...

f*ck! f*cking hell!

f*ck! f*ck! f*ck!

f*ck! f*ck!

f*ck! f*cking c**t!

f*cking... f*cking c**t...

♪ When it comes
to being lucky, I know

♪ That's how I know

♪ The first cut is the deepest

♪ Baby, I know

♪ The first cut is the deepest...

♪ I still want you by my side

♪ Just to help me
dry the tears from my eyes

♪ And I'm sure gonna give you a try

♪ And if you want
I'll try to love again... ♪

It looks like Manolito's cruise has
gone through the Bermuda Triangle.

He's not coming back.

What would you like me to do
about the usurpers?

Manolito...

had something very precious of mine.

And I want it back.

Keep them close...

and pretend
everything's nice and dandy.

Mm.

Hello, everybody!

Oh, my...

- Where are all your clothes?
- We live in a big community.

We have no possessions. No phones.

No internet. No underpants.

I am gonna go in, undercover.

- See if they are ripping him off or not.
- Judith, Jon.

- This is Ashley.
- Did you see it, Jon?

What, his massive p*nis?

There is no need... Oh!

- Why don't you join us?
- Yeah.

Join us, Ash.

Yes, Ashley, join us.

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind

♪ Give me the strength to carry on

♪ Give me the strength to carry on

♪ Cos everything I got
Is just about gone

♪ And I think about it

♪ I think about it... ♪