02x22 - First Class Feline/U.S. Acres: Hamelot/How to Be Funny

[bunniefuu]

[ Telephone

[ Telephone ringing

- Where is that jon anyway?

- Who tied a knot
in my phone line?

- Ladies and gentlemen,

Garfield and friends.

[ Music ]

- ™ª friends are there ♪

- ™ª to help you get started, ♪

媻 to give you a
push on your way ♪

- ™ª friends are there ♪

- ™ª to turn you around, ♪

™ª get your feet on the ground ♪

™ª for a brand new day ♪

- ™ª they'll pick you up ♪

™ª when you're down ♪

- 媻 help you swallow
your pride ♪

™ª when something inside says ♪

™ª to break on through ♪

媻 to the other side. 媻

- ™ª friends are someone ♪

™ª you can open up to ♪

- ™ª when you feel like ♪

™ª you're ready to flip ♪

- ™ª when you've got the world ♪

™ª on your shoulders ♪

- ™ª friends are there ♪

™ª to give you a tip ♪

- ™ª friends are there ♪

™ª when you need them, ♪

™ª they're even there ♪

™ª when you don't ♪

- ™ª for a walk in the park ♪

™ª or a shot in the dark, ♪

™ª friends are there ♪

- ™ª I don't care ♪

- 媻 but friends
will care for you ♪

- This offer void

Where prohibited.

Some restrictions may apply.

Batteries not included.

[ Snoring ]

- Garfield! Yes, garfield,

It's yours truly, the cutest

Kitty cat in the whole world!

- You have no idea

What a thrill this is.

[ Laugh ]

- That was neat, garfield.

Do you know any other tricks?

- Yes! I'm about to do my

Famous kitten mailing routine.

- No, garfield!

Where do you want to mail me?

- Where? Where else? Maestro?

™ª abu dhabi's far away ♪

™ª abu dhabi, that's where ♪

媻 you'll stay. 媻

™ª abu dhabi, the place to be ♪

™ª for any kitten ♪

媻 who's annoying me, yeah. 媻

媻 abu dhabi, way
off the tracks. 媻

媻 abu dhabi, no,
don't come back. 媻

媻 abu dhabi, what
a great thrill ♪

™ª for any kitten ♪

媻 who can make me ill. 媻

™ª now some take a train ♪

™ª and some take a plane ♪

™ª but I am sending you ♪

™ª not by a boat or even a goat ♪

媻 but in a box
marked postage due. 媻

™ª abu dhabi, ♪

媻 you're what they lack. 媻

媻 abu dhabi, now
you're all packed. 媻

™ª abu dhabi, a far commute ♪

™ª for any kitten ♪

媻 who is too darn cute! 媻

- Gee, maybe my conscience

Will keep me awake. Nah!

- Garfield? Garfield?

I don't like running gags!

Garfield?

- My little cousin

Will love this toy cat, odie.

I'll mail it to her.

I don't remember that package.

Open it up, odie.

Nermal's probably inside.

Yep, nermal.

Garfield's always doing this.

You know, odie, I think

It's time we taught garfield

A little lesson.

- Rrright!

- Huh?

Yes, master.

Let's go.

Serve it before it gets cold.

Food, food, food!

- Gee, nermal isn't here.

We can't eat until our guest

Is here.

- Yes, we can! Yes, we can!

- I made this special dinner

In nermal's honor.

It'd be very bad manners

To eat without him.

We'll just have to wait.

- No, we won't!

[ Laugh ]

How do you like that?

A use for nermal.

Okay, nermal,

You get a last meal.

Nermal?

Wait!

Come back for him after dessert!

Stop! My dinner's at stake!

[ Laughter ]

I have to get nermal back.

What a disgusting development.

- Uh-oh.

I didn't realize what garfield

Would do for a meal.

Our joke's gone too far, boys.

- Hmm, I may already

Have won $27 million.

- They're heading for

The central post office!

- Hmm, dear harriet, marry me

Or I will throw myself

To the seals.

I'm safe.

I'm not safe.

I have an awful feeling

I'm about to be kissed.

Well, at least I found nermal.

Okay, nermal, come out.

I'm not mailing you

To abu dhabi... Yet.

It's not nermal.

Nermal didn't look

This realistic.

- Keep your eyes peeled, guys.

He's got to be in here

Somewhere.

Find garfield before my trick

Causes him to mail himself

To abu dhabi.

- Trick?

Since when did jon get devious?

Come on, fella.

You're gonna help me

Return the favor.

- Let's split up

And look for him.

- Yeah! Yeah!

- This thing's head is

Completely filled with old socks

And it's still smarter

Than odie.

Now I address it to abu dhabi.

- Any sign of garfield?

- Um-um.

- That's garfield!

I'd know that tail anywhere!

Wait! Hold that package!

Stop!

No, stop that plane!

My cat!

[ Howling ]

- He's... He's gone!

- Taxi?

- I didn't mean for it

To end like this.

He's probably halfway

To abu dhabi by now.

I don't know if we'll ever

See garfield again, odie.

It won't be the same

Around here. We...

- Hi, guys.

- Garfield?

Garfield, I'm sorry about

That trick I played on you.

I'll never do it again.

- See what you get trying

To mail me to abu dhabi?

- You're right, nermal.

I'll never do it again.

- Garfield, what are you doing?

Garfield, you promised

You wouldn't mail me

To abu dhabi! Garfield!

- To north pole.

- Hey, a promise is a promise.

- And so king arthur

And his knights sallied forth

Against the beast.

There's nothing like a good book

In a cool mud waller

On a hot day.

- Uh, orson, can you

Come here a minute?

- Hold on.

Of course, mud's not so great

On a hot day when it hardens

On you.

- Oh, orson, oh, orson,

The shower is broken.

- No water!

Do you know how uncomfortable

It is wearing a heavy

Wool sweater in the summertime?

- Yuck! That means I can't

Shower the waller mud off

Either.

Hey, I know how to solve this.

Do any of you know

Where the old milk pail is?

- I think it's with some junk

Out in the tool shed.

- It leaks.

The farmer was gonna fix it,

But he bought a new one instead.

- What good is

That rusty old thing?

- You'll see.

It's gotta be here.

Aha, there it is.

Steady, steady!

Oh, where am i?

King arthur, is that you?

Is that me?

- Knights of the round waller,

We are about to embark

On a glorious quest

For the glory of hamelot.

- We're going in search

Of the holy pail.

- But, king orson,

That means we have to go into

The enchanted forest where

The terrible griffin lives.

- What's a griffin?

- It's a mythological beast

That is half eagle, half lion.

- Have no fear, sir duckalot.

I, sir cacklealot,

Am here to protect you.

- Let's be off then.

- ™ª we're from hamelot, ♪

™ª we're bold, we're dashing, ♪

媻 we're brave. 媻

™ª soldiers from hamelot ♪

媻 and we've got
a pail to save. 媻

媻 we won't be
stopped by dragons, ♪

™ª thunderstorms or hail ♪

媻 we love to find adventure. 媻

- 媻 or a really
good yard sale. 媻

媻 - so with a little
bit of luck, ♪

媻 it will be easy
to go pluck it. 媻

- Wait a minute!

Was that a chicken joke?

- ™ª we'd go all the way ♪

™ª to nantucket ♪

媻 just to save a leaky bucket. 媻

媻 we laugh in the
face of danger. 媻

媻 this griffin scares us not. 媻

™ª so what if he's half lion ♪

™ª and eagle, ♪

媻 there are chickens
in hamelot. 媻

- It was a chicken joke!

- ™ª we're from hamelot, ♪

™ª we're bold, we're dashing, ♪

™ª we're brave ♪

™ª soldiers from hamelot ♪

™ª and we've got a pail to-- ♪

™ª we've got a pail to-- ♪

媻 we've got a pail to save. 媻

- Tell me, king orson,

Are you sure we're going

In the right direction

To find the holy pail?

- I'm absolutely,

Positively sure, sir eggolot,

I think.

[ Snarling ]

- Oh, my!

It is the griffin!

- Good evening,

Knights and gents!

You know, this audience looks

Good enough to eat.

[ Laughter ]

We have a marvelous quest

For you tonight.

If you're looking for

The holy pail,

You've come to the right place.

- The holy pail!

I knew we'd find it.

- Yeah, but how do we get past

All the barbed wire and stuff?

- But, seriously, there's a way

To get past all that junk

And get the pail

If you can get this clue.

And now,

A word from our sponsor,

The lady of the lake.

Remember, for the best

In tropical fruit,

It's the lady of the lake.

- The clue is lady of the lake.

She can tell me how

To get the pail.

- Yeah, but how will you

Get away from the griffin?

- Leave that to me.

I know how to slay that monster.

I'll use my mightiest weapon,

A million one-liners

For dangerous occasions.

- Okay, here's what

We're gonna do.

- Me? Why me?

- Time to bring out

Your first guest.

- Here's a young man

Who comes to us all the way,

All the way, from hamelot.

A nice welcome, please,

For sir cacklealot.

- I bought a suit

With two pair of pants,

But it's too hot lately

To wear both pair.

The only time I wear both pair

Is when I play golf.

That's in case I get

A hole in one!

[ Laughter ]

- Oh, stop, stop!

You'll really slay me.

- Keep it up! I'll rescue you

After we find the holy pail!

- But seriously,

You want to have fun?

Go into an antique shop

And ask what's new?

[ Laughter ]

- Say, aren't you

King orson of hamelot?

- Yes, oh, lady of the lake.

I've come for the secret

Of how to get the holy pail.

- Well, I can't give it

To just anyone unless

Their intentions are honorable,

You realize.

- If I don't get back

To the enchanted forest

With the secret,

The griffin will eat the knights

Of the round waller.

- Not good enough.

- I intend to use the pail

For the benefit

Of all my friends!

- Sounds like you really are

The king of hamelot.

Here you go.

- This is the secret?

What do I do with it?

- Oh, when the time comes,

You'll know.

Now if you don't mind,

I only have a couple of thousand

Years of my vacation left.

- I'll never forget

My first words in the theater.

Peanuts! Popcorn!

- Oh, what a fine act!

Let's hear it

For sir cacklealot!

And now for my feast

De resistance!

- Just a minute!

And now on behalf

Of our sponsor,

The lady of the lake.

We're taking the holy pail

Back to hamelot!

[ Cheering ]

What a strange dream!

It gave me an idea, though.

Got it!

- Great idea, orson,

But how were you able to find

The bucket?

- Oh, it was easy.

I had a dream that gave me

An attractive solution.

[ Off-key singing ]

- One shower stall,
one drain plug

And one ironing board. All set.

[ Whistling ]

- Cowabunga! Surf's up!

- Why can't you bat at a piece

Of string like other cats?

- Ahem, welcome to our class

On humor.

Today we're gonna discuss

How to be funny.

That is not one of the ways.

Humor is like dynamite.

It's especially dangerous

In the hands of amateurs.

May we have the lights, please?

Also not funny.

The earliest known example

Of humor was told by a caveman

Named schecky ugg.

[ Grunting ]

Roughly translated,

The joke was why did

The brontosaurus cross the road?

Of course, even the first

Comedian has his critics.

This was moova henny,

The first heckler.

Over the years,

Man developed a more refined,

Civilized sense of humor.

In ancient egypt, for instance,

They were far more

Sophisticated.

During the italian renaissance,

Famed painter leonardo da vinci

Participated in painting,

Engineering and low comedy.

Fortunately, we are more

Civilized than that today.

Well, some of us

Are more civilized.

Alas, much humor comes

From the discomfort of others.

This is most evident

In the kind of humor

Known as the practical joke.

In practical jokes, you do

Something rotten to someone else

And then laugh at their misery.

Here are some of the most

Popular rotten things to do.

Lights, please.

Still not funny.

Ahem, there's the old rhinoceros

In the bed trick.

There's the old baseball team

In the shower trick.

Always a laugh riot.

And then there's my favorite,

The old third marine division

In the dishwasher trick.

That one takes a long time

To set up, but it's worth it.

Lights, please.

Take note.

If something isn't funny,

You just keep doing it

And eventually it becomes

A running gag.

Now this brings us

To the basic question,

What is humor?

- Ta-da!

- This clearly is not.

- Oh!

- Come back here, stooge,

And bring the slide projector.

My well-meaning assistant did

Have the right idea, however.

Silly costumes can be funny.

Lights?

See? It's starting to get funny.

Man wearing scuba suit,

Mildly amusing.

Man in woman's clothing,

Always good for a laugh.

Man in chicken suit,

What can I say? Hysterical.

Remember, with satire,

Clever sayings, puns,

None of this is as funny

As a man in a chicken suit.

Here's how jon usually dresses,

By the way.

This is right up there

With the chicken suit.

Now in all of comedy, what is

The most important thing?

- Timing!

- Ahem, I said,

In all of comedy...

- Timing!

- Ahem again. I said,

In all of comedy, what

Is the most important thing?

- Timing?

- Correct.

Let's see some examples

Of how timing is important

On a popular saturday morning

Cartoon show.

Observe how crucial timing is

To the following jokes.

- It's monday. I hate mondays.

Is there anyone in the world

Who's dumb enough that they

Actually like mondays?

- Ta-da!

- Well, I guess that answers

My question.

- Okay, that's a timing joke.

Now let's see how a timing joke

Can be combined

With a silly costume

For even more humor.

- It's hockey season.

I hate hockey season.

Is there anyone in this world

Who's dumb enough

To actually like hockey season?

- Ta-da!

- Well, I guess that answers

My question.

- See how much funnier

That was?

Now let's try it one more time

And add some cheap

Physical humor.

- It's groundhog's day.

I hate groundhog's day.

Is there anyone in this world

Who's dumb enough to actually

Like groundhog's day?

- Ta-da!

- Well, I guess that answers

My question.

- See? A laugh riot.

However, this kind of cheap,

Childish humor is fast becoming

Out of date.

Follow me, if you will.

Here at the national institute

Of humor and mirth analysis,

Scientists work around the clock

To develop new, more efficient

Forms of comedy.

This department is analyzing

Which words are the funniest

When used in jokes.

- Pickle. - Funny.

- Pretzel. - Funny.

- Cookie. - Funny.

- Steak. - Not funny.

- Yellow-bellied sapsucker.

- Funny.

- Dog. - Not funny.

- Elephant. - Funny.

- Chicken. - Extremely funny.

- Lion.

- Not funny.

- Years of testing have gone

Into asking the question,

What makes people laugh?

Even the old crude

Pie in the face

Has been thoroughly analyzed.

You may proceed.

[ Laugh ]

- They spent six months just on

Whoopie cushions alone.

All of this has led

Up to this moment.

The computer, after digesting

Billions of bytes of data,

Is ready to construct

The ultimate joke,

A true example of humor

For the 21st century.

Here it comes,

The joke of the future!

[ Alarm ]

In short, humor of the future

Will be pretty much like

Humor of today.

Thank you.

We're all done.

Lights?