03x05 - Clean Sweep/U.S. Acres: Secrets of the Animated Cartoon/How the West was Lost

[bunniefuu]

- Ladies

- Ladies and

- Ladies and gentlemen,

-Garfield and friends.,

- We're...

- We're...

- Ready...

- Ready...

- To...

- To...

- Party!

- ™ª we're ready to party ♪

™ª we're ready ♪

- ™ª I hope you bring ♪

™ª lots of spaghetti ♪

™ª come on in ♪

™ª come to the place ♪

™ª where fun never ends ♪

™ª come on in ♪

™ª it's time to party ♪

™ª with garfield and friends ♪

™ª dancing ♪ fiesta!

™ª romancing ♪ siesta!

™ª samba ♪ la bamba!

Ay carumba!

Disguises!

- Disguises!

- Surprises!

- Surprises!

- And pies of...

- And pies of all sizes! Ha ha!

™ª come on in ♪

媻 come to the place
where fun never ends ♪

™ª come on in ♪

™ª it's time to party ♪

™ª with garfield and friends ♪

™ª come on in ♪

™ª it's time to party ♪

™ª with garfield and friends ♪

™ª garfield and friends ♪

- Change channels and you'll

Never see your dog again.

- [ Whimpers ]

[ Thud ]

Whew!

- Found you.

- Aah!

[ Whistle ]

- [ Cries ]

- You can run,

But you can't hide.

- [ Cries ]

- You found him again,

Garfield.

Don't fight me.

You're going to get a bath.

- Yeah, I know I'm a rat.

That's what happens when you

Eat as much cheese as I eat.

- [ Whimpers ] no!

- Odie, you are going to get a

Bath whether you like it or not.

- This is better

Than television.

- [ Whimpers ]

- Now if you'll just stay out

Of the dirt, I won't have to

Do that again.

- I don't like washing odie

Any more than odie likes

Being--hmm?

- Are you sick and tired of

Washing your dog, pooch, hound

Or mongrel?

Well, you need the schlocko

Laundro-mutt, the world's

Only computerized dog washer.

The schlocko laundro-mutt

Will wash, bathe, cleanse,

Sponge, swab and spin-dry

Your canine.

Just dress your doggie in the

Schlocko laundro-mutt collar.

It senses when your pooch

Is in need of a bath, and the

Schlocko laundro-mutt

Goes to work.

The patent-pending dog dirt

Detector activates

The laundro-mutt.

It sees, seizes and gingerly

Bathes your pup all without

You soiling your little pinkies.

That's the schlocko

Laundro-mutt,

Approved for poodles.

Call this number

To order yours today.

- I'm calling. I'm calling.

- [ Gasping ]

- At last! It's here!

This won't hurt a bit, boy.

- Huh?

- Now every time you get

Dirty, the machine will sense it

And clean you up.

Garfield, give it a test.

- This is for science.

- [ Yelps ]

[ Beeping ]

- Gee, I hope

I connected it right.

- [ Yelp ]

- [ Laughs ] I love it.

- Well, I guess it works.

I'm going to buy more soap.

- [ Laughs ]

You have no idea how much

I enjoy watching that.

- And, odie, keep clean

Or the laundro-mutt

Will wash you again.

- Yes, odie, keep clean

Or the laundro-mutt

Will wash you again.

- Uh-uh. Uh-uh.

[ Yelp ]

- I always keep a bucket

Of mud just off camera.

Doesn't everyone?

[ Humming ]

- [ Sighs ]

- Oh, my! Look how filthy

Odie has gotten.

Odie needs a bath.

[ Beeping ]

- [ Whimpers ]

- Hey, you've got your

Hobbies, I've got mine.

- [ Laughs ]

I can't take much more of this.

- [ Whimpers ]

- Odie getting washed.

They ought to make

A series out of it.

I'd watch.

- Hmm.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Hums ]

- [ Sniffs ] I smell

A chili dog on an onion roll

With relish and hot mustard.

Indeed.

Odie, how semi-considerate

Of you.

Thanks. That was adequate.

I even got some on myself.

It's scientifically impossible

To each chili

Without wearing it.

- Mm-hmm.

- It's a good thing I don't

Have one of those collars like--

[ Beeping ]

- You know, odie, this washing

Thing isn't as fun as I thought.

- [ Laughs ]

- No, no!

You mustn't wash a kitty cat.

Couldn't I just have

A sponge bath?

- [ Laughs ]

- Do we have any styling

Mousse?

Yeah, I guess it was

A rotten thing to do to you,

But let's analyze

Whose fault this was.

- Guys, I'm home, and I bought

Pet shampoo and fur conditioner

And doggie bath salts and--

Guys. Guys, put those down.

Guys, this isn't funny.

Guys, guys, no, no, no, don't!

Put that mud down!

Ooh, no, no, no, waa! Whoa!

No, no, no!

No, stop it! Unplug it!

Help! Aah! No! Aah!

[ Both laugh ]

- Come on, odie.

Let's go play in the mud.

- Ah, h*, h*, I'm clean!

Help! Help! Turn him off!

Whoa! Oh, help!

Aah! Aah! No! No!

Help!

- Orson, what's a quickie?

- It's a short joke.

- I don't like jokes

About being short.

- Well, it's not a joke

About being short, booker.

It's a joke that is short.

- No, but couldn't you do

A short joke about someone

Being short?

- You could even do a long joke

About someone being short.

- And that would be a long

Short joke. [ Laughs ]

- Enough already.

A quickie is a joke

That's only 45 seconds--

- Heads up.

- Shucks! I never found out

What a quickie was.

- Good morning.

Today, we're going to discuss

Something near and dear

To the hearts of us all--

The animated cartoon.

- Cartoon? I love cartoons.

Where's the cartoon?

- Right here.

This is a cartoon.

- Where?

- Here. Us.

We are in a cartoon.

- I thought we were in a farm.

- This is a cartoon farm.

You see, there's

A cartoon house

And a cartoon sun

And a cartoon tree

And a cartoon cow and a--

Aah!

[ Splat ]

- Jeez!

- Was that a cartoon joke?

- [ Sighs ] sort of.

The great thing about cartoons

Is that you can go anywhere

In a cartoon

And be anything you want.

- In my case, any place and

Anyone would be an improvement.

- ™ª cartoons are terrific ♪

™ª I'm sure you will agree ♪

™ª you can be anyone ♪

™ª or any place ♪

™ª that you want to be ♪

™ª anything can happen ♪

™ª with danger we can flirt ♪

媻 drop pianos on a friend? 媻

™ª don't fret ♪

™ª he won't get hurt ♪

™ª anywhere in the universe ♪

™ª to the farthest galaxy ♪

™ª come back down ♪

™ª put your feet on the ground ♪

™ª or on the bottom of the sea ♪

™ª up, down, over, around ♪

™ª twisted, stretched, or flat ♪

™ª fast, slow ♪

™ª stop and go ♪

™ª thin down and then fat ♪

™ª cartoons are terrific ♪

™ª no matter where you roam ♪

™ª but I think that ♪

™ª I should tell you ♪

™ª we're trained professionals ♪

™ª so don't try this at home ♪

- Well, you just need to learn

Some of the basic rules

Of being in a cartoon.

- Such as?

- Well, for example,

In a cartoon, you never fall

Until you realize

There's nothing under you.

- How's that?

- Watch and I'll show you.

In real life,

If you were to run off a cliff,

What would happen?

- You would fall down

And go kersplat.

Aah! Hoo-hoo-hoo!

- Correct.

[ Splash ]

- However, in a cartoon,

You don't fall until you realize

You've run out of ground.

Observe.

- I'll get you, worm!

Hey, that's not fair!

- Now, you notice how there's

Nothing under him, but since

This is a cartoon--

- Oh, he won't fall

Until he notices. I get it.

Uh-oh, he noticed.

- Yaah!

[ Splash ]

- You see? Now in real life,

You could get seriously hurt

Falling off a cliff.

- Tell me about it.

- Gee, orson, tell me more

About life in cartoons.

- Okay. Here's your next

Lesson.

- Yeow!

- In a cartoon, whenever

Something scares you,

It is required by law

That you do a take.

- A take?

- Yes. What you just did,

Your reaction? That was a take.

You've done lots of takes

On this show, wade.

Here's a brief medley of them.

- Yaah! A monster!

[ Honk ]

- Yee! A bug!

Yi! A cheese sandwich!

Gah! The klopman diamond!

- Actually, there are many

Kinds of takes.

For example...

When you look once, and then

You look again and react, well,

That's called a double take.

A popular way to react

To bad news is the spit take.

- Hey, roy, the barn's full

Of hockey pucks

And your goldfish ran away.

- But my favorite is the

Extreme delayed reaction take.

Observe.

- Bo! Monsters that look like

Bottles of dishwashing liquid

Are invading from the planet

Clarion!

[ Yawns ]

™ª jingle bells, jingle bells ♪

™ª like, jingle all the way ♪

Oh--dishwashing liquid.

Oh, no, man!

- The current record is


And 21 minutes.

But the most important part of

Any cartoon is the chase scene,

And in any cartoon chase, it is

Required that you do this joke.

Then the chaser chases

The chasee down the road.

- I'll get you, you worm, you.

[ Evil laugh ]

[ Thud ]

- Now, the next thing to know

About cartoons is that--

- Say no more, friend orson.

I know all about

Being in cartoons.

I am a cartoon expert, indeed.

- Well, shall we see if

He's learned the basics?

Mr. Cartoonist, sir,

Could I borrow a pencil?

Thanks!

Now, for those of you

Taking notes, I'll summarize.

There's a double take

And a spit take

And a full take

And a chase scene,

And here's the running off

The cliff joke--

Now, watch as he notices

There's no ground under him--

A midair take and a bye-bye.

- No!

- So now you know everything--

- Come on, orson. Time to

Watch "garfield and friends."

- My favorite show.

Well, I guess that covers

All the basic jokes in cartoons.

Including that one.

[ Sighs ]

- It sure is great to be back

At the polecat flats

Dude ranch, huh, boys?

- [ Barks ]

- Hope the food's improved.

- Well, dye my britches red

And tie me to a brahma bull.

If it ain't jon argunkle!

- Cactus jake!

- Huh?

- Yeah, him again.

He's the only guest star

This show could afford.

- Still a mighty sharp dresser.

You can take the cowboy

Out of the west,

But you can't take the west

Out of the cowboy, huh?

- Quaint western expression.

- Well, what's new

Round these parts?

- Our new owner.

- Hubert e. Pengel

At your service.

- He's from back east.

Had one of them high falutin'

College degrees.

- I hold a master of equine

And saddle sciences.

- An m.e.s.s. Degree?

- And boy, is he ever a mess!

- Now allow me to show you

Our new modern ranch equipment.

- Excuse me. I want to stop in

The cook shack for a quick

Seven-course meal.

- Sorry. That's for

Ranch hands only.

- Where do I sign up?

- Here you see the livestock

Motivational vehicle

For herding cattle and horses,

And this is our equine hygiene

Booth.

Its robotic arms take care

Of every horse-grooming task.

- A horse wash.

I wonder if they have

Hot spray wax.

[ Horse whinnies ]

- Oh, not again!

Head for the high ground,

Everybody!

It's volcano!

- Are there volcanoes

In polecat flats?

- No, but someone's erupting.

[ Whinnies ]

[ Snorts ]

- What a time to be

Without my rope!

- Use the livestock

Motivational vehicle!

- How do you start

This darn thing?

- Where's odie?

Odie, get out of there!

- Get, you rust-tail

Hammer-headed full weight

Offspring of a sneaky,

Lowdown sidewinder!

That outlaw mustang

Is a nuisance!

We ain't had a moment's peace.

- What's he after?

- Them.

New herd of mares

We just got in.

- Oh, I get it.

- So you're not the only one

Who will do anything

To get a date.

- All you had to do

Was press the start button.

You are so old-fashioned.

- Now, wait just a gol-dern

Minute.

- There is no place for

Old-fashioned on the modern,

Computerized ranch.

You are fired!

- Well, if that don't beat all.

- [ Whimpers ]

- I appreciate the ride

Into town.

I guess there's no room

In the modern west

For an old cowboy like me.

Just gotta find

Another line of work.

- This could be trouble, folks.

- Any experience in shoes,

Jake?

- Oh, I know all about shoeing.

- Good. Then you can help

That lady.

- What can I do

For you today, ma'am?

- I'd like to try this on,

Please.

- Well, you come

To the right place.

I have to heat this shoe up

In the forge

And then nail her on.

- Aah!

- Iffin' I heat this up

And pound on it some,

It'll fit perfect.

- We don't hot-shoe

The customers!

- I guess I messed up, huh?

- This is a big town,

Cactus jake.

- Right, there are lots of

Other jobs in this town

He can lose.

- I come to pick up my son

Buford.

- Comin' right up, ma'am.

Scrappy little fella,

But I hog-tied him for you.

- It's like you said, you can

Take the cowboy out of the west,

But you can't take the west

Out of the cowboy.

- I belong on that ranch.

Wonder if there's any way to

Get that city dude to give me

My old job back.

- Have you considered begging?

- Help! Help!

- [ Barks ]

- Sounds like something bad's

A-happenin'.

[ Horse whinnies ]

- Cactus jake, help me.

Volcano is hurt.

I attempted to catch him

With that livestock

Motivational vehicle.

- Don't worry. I'll--

But i--

Oh, I get it.

- These guys need all the help

They can get.

- I'd help you, but I don't

Work here, remember?

You fired me.

- Well, you are unfired

With a raise.

Now save me!

- Gotta be a way to handle

A love-smitten mustang.

- They say the way

To a horse's heart

Is through his stomach.

At least somebody

Can get fed around here.

- It's my pal shorty.

A better cowboy

Ain't been born yet.

- Gar--shorty.

[ Ringing ]

[ Whinnies ]

- Gotcha! Mighty good job

Of horse wranglin', shorty.

[ Whinnies ]

- A nice shower

Should clean volcano up.

See? Cleaned up,

They love him.

There's even hope for you.

- You have a job for life,

Cactus jake.

I guess there are some things

Machines just can't do.

- I suppose you're right.

I reckon I owe you a whole heap

Of things, and shorty--

Where's shorty?

- You mean garfi--shorty?

I didn't see which way he went.

- [ Barks ]

- I've got a new old western

Saying: you can take the cat

Out of the lasagna,

But you can't take the lasagna

Out of the cat.