03x08 - Fit for a King/U.S. Acres: Ben Hog/Dessert in the Desert

[bunniefuu]

Announcer:

Announcer: Ladies

Announcer: Ladies and

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen,

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen,
Garfield

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen,
Garfield and

♪ We're ♪

♪ We're ♪

♪ Ready ♪

♪ Ready ♪

♪ To ♪

♪ To ♪

♪ Party ♪

♪ We're ready to
party, we're ready ♪

♪ I hope you bring
lots of spaghetti ♪

I'm scared

♪ Come on in, come
to the place ♪

♪ Where fun never ends ♪

♪ Come on in, it's
time to party ♪

♪ With Garfield and Friends ♪

♪ Dancing ♪

♪ Fiesta ♪

♪ Romancing ♪

♪ Siesta ♪

♪ Samba ♪

♪ La Bamba ♪

♪ Ay caramba ♪

♪ Disguises ♪

♪ Disguises ♪

♪ Surprises ♪

♪ Surprises ♪

♪ And pies of ♪

♪ And pies of all sizes ♪

♪ Come on in, come
to the place ♪

♪ Where fun never ends ♪

♪ Come on in, it's
time to party ♪

♪ With Garfield and Friends ♪

♪ Come on in, it's
time to party ♪

♪ With Garfield and Friends ♪

♪ Garfield and Friends ♪

- [Garfield] It doesn't start
til the fat lady screams.

[upbeat music]

Good morning.

Today we present a story
about my favorite subject,

cats eating.

May we have a little
storytelling music, please?

[upbeat piano music]

Hey, what do you want
on a cartoon show?

The London Philharmonic?

[clears throat]

The Royal Appetite.

Once upon a merry
time, oh by the way,

this thing's in rhyme, there
was a kingdom by the sea

as happy as a town could be.

The people smiled all
the day within this land

called Portly Bay, for
Portly Bay had everything

including quite a hefty king.

His herald warned,
"please stand aside,

"for good king
Jonathan the Wide."

People cleared the sidewalk
fast so that their king

could waddle past, for Jon
the Wide was in his reign,

a king as large as his domain.

And in this town he was
in charge, a royal figure

very large.

Gourmet and aristocrat, just
take my word, this guy was fat.

The people loved
their chief of state

and cheered each time
he gained some weight

because this town's economy
was based on his obesity.

[mysterious music]

Each year a king from far
away would bring a gift

to Portly Bay.

"This gold I bring
to give this town,

"the weight of he
who wears the crown."

Just why the presents,
I don't know,

some custom started long ago.

[loud crash]

[coins clinking]

His weight in gold
they brought in trucks.

With Jon, that meant
a lot of bucks.

The gold gave them
a cause to cheer.

It paid to run the town
all year, and every year

the folks were told.

- No taxes since
we have this gold.

- [Garfield] His weight
made them a kingdom rich,

but one man had a royal itch.

The Duke of Blurp
had made it known

- My eyes are on
the royal throne.

- [Garfield] He had a
plan for Portly Bay.

- When I am king,
then all will pay.

I'll tax their jobs,
I'll tax their fun,

tax everything and everyone.

I'll tax each table,
lamp, and chair.

There'll be a tax
for breathing air.

I'm pretty sure that I'm
not lax, I'll charge a tax

on paying tax.

- [Garfield] The duke,
you see, was not too nice.

He sought a witch
out for advice.

- The king.
- [Garfield] She said.

- Is much too fat, so give
to him this p*ssy cat.

- This is exactly what he needs.

I'll pay you when
the plan succeeds.

- [Garfield] He thought
her scheme was very grand

and exited with cat in hand.

And at the palace gate he cried.

- I have a gift
for Jon the Wide.

- [Garfield] The duke,
you see, was very shrewd.

- A cat to taste the royal food.

Just let him sample every-
thing, make sure it's fit

to serve a king.

- [Garfield] The king
was grateful for the pet.

He didn't see the danger yet.

That evening at the royal
spread, the king brought in

the cat and said.

- As my official
tasting cat, please try

a bit of this and that.

- [Garfield] The cat
not only took a taste,

he cleared the
table off in haste.

He ate the turkey, beef,
and ham, he ate the rolls

with lots of jam, a burger
and a chocolate shake,

a seven layer birthday cake.

A dish of beets, a bowl
of broth, a couple bites

of tablecloth, a duck
l'orange, a cheese souffle,

whatever else was in his way.

The eating went
on most all night.

The wide one
couldn't get a bite.

[gulps]

At 2 a.m. a bad attack, he
had to get a midnight snack,

but in the kitchen was the beast

continuing his dining feast.

[chomps]

Next morning was
the same old thing.

No food could ever reach
the king, and many times

poor Jon the Wide had food
which he would try to hide.

He very soon discovered
that he could not hide it

from the cat.

[chomps]

For weeks, the king
would crave a treat

and never get a bite to eat.

[chomps]

[trumpet fanfare]

The duke would look
with great delight

at how the feline
appetite and lack

of nightly chocolate mousse
had caused the wide one

to reduce.

When you can't even get a
grape, you can't maintain

a royal shape.

For months and months,
it was the same,

then finally the big day came.

"The man is here," the king
was told, "to give to you

"your weight in gold."

They wouldn't get a lot
for him, for Jon the Wide

was Jon the Slim.

It seemed to Jon
a little strange.

They balanced him
with pocket change.

To all, it was a ghastly joke.

Without more gold,
the town was broke.

The duke was filled
with evil glee.

- They'll dump the
king and honor me.

- [Garfield] The king
could only fret and say.

- There's got to
be a better way.

- [Garfield] It was the
cat who had the hint,

for down there in
the tiny print.

- The gold is weighed for he.
- [Garfield] It said.

- [Jon] Who wears the
crown atop his head.

- [Garfield] The answer
came in nothing flat

to put the crown atop
the cat, for if the gold

were to his weight, the town
would have a richer fate.

And so they piled gold
galore and needed still

a little more.

To balance what the feline
weighed required every cent

they'd made.

[crowd cheers]

The people cheered
and laughed and cried,

"more gold than earned
by Jon the Wide."

The duke was not a happy man.

- That witch gave
me a stupid plan.

- [Garfield] And when she
asked him for her pay,

he told her.

- Sorry sis, no way.

- [Garfield] The duke
forgot it's very rash

to stiff a witch expecting cash.

She'll cast a spell and
you'll become a jackass,

mule or something dumb.

[donkey braying]

So the cat had saved the day
for everyone in Portly Bay.

The biggest feast
they could afford

was thrown together as
reward, but as he watched

the cat consume, the king
said with a certain gloom.

- To feed him for a year,
I feel, means we lose out

on this deal.

- [Garfield] The moral
folks, it must be told,

a fat cat's worth
his weight in gold.

[chimes]

And now this tale I must
suspend, for I have come to

the finish.

[upbeat harpsichord music]

And now, in spite of
my better judgment,

we bring you
"Screaming with Binky".

Actually, today I'm
safe because Binky's

a thousand miles away
attending a clown convention

in New York.

[phone ringing]

[melodic whistling]

- [Binky] Hey cat!

Great connection.

We'll be right back.

[Garfield and
Friends theme song]

[gentle music]

[singing]

- [Roy] Now, this is the
face of a prize rooster.

[glass shatters]

- Getting all dressed up to
watch the big state fair parade?

- Actually, we're hoping
the farmer will notice

how good we look.

- [Sheldon] And enter us
in some of the contests

at the fair.

- Not I.

Uh-uh, they do not give blue
ribbons for yellow streaks.

[laughs]

- Sorry to disappoint
you, but I think

the farmer's only
taking the pulling team

and some of our best
vegetables again this year.

- [Sheldon] At least
we can watch the parade

as it passes by the farm.

- Yeah, we'll be the
best groomed animals

lining the fence as usual.

- See you later, then.

- Aren't you coming
with us, Orson?

- Well, somebody has to stay
here and guard the harvest

and that somebody
might as well be me.

- Knock yourself out, piggo.

[mysterious music]

- We're gonna clean that
barn out of vegetables.

- How we gonna get 'em with our
little brother guarding 'em?

- I got it all figured out.

You know how Orson can't
resist a book, right?

[pigs snort and laugh]

- I bet everybody's having
fun watching the parade.

[engine roars]

Hey! [loud thump]

Ben Hur, A Tale of Ancient Rome.

Wonder how it got here.

Soon came the day of
the great chariot race.

[pigs laughs]

[horse neighs]

This was the day in which
Ben Hur had staked his life.

[horses neigh]

Easy there, my noble steed.

[horses neigh]

You must save your
strength and energy

for winning the race today.

- Orson Ben Hog,
there is much wagering

among the spectators
in the stands.

- [Sheldon] The people are
betting on the brothers

Gort, Mort, and Wart to win.

- You can beat the odds and
become a very wealthy man

if your horses are the swiftest.

- I chose to match
my trusty team

against my sworn adversaries,
not for money, but for honor.

They falsely accused me of
crimes against the empire.

[men singing]

And for this, I was sentenced
to spend the rest of my life

as a sl*ve on a general's ship.

[morose music]

[lightning crashes]

[waves crash]

But for the hand of
fate, a lifeguard course

I took as a child and the
chance rescue of the general,

I might have perished there.

Instead, I was rewarded
with my freedom

and I have come back
to settle an old score,

so you see, Roman gold
means nothing to me.

- [Sheldon] Oh,
that's so heroic.

[trumpet fanfare]

The trumpet calls
and I must prepare.

- So forget heroic.

You should put a
little extra money away

for a rainy day, Ben Hog.

It couldn't hurt.

[crowd cheering]

♪ Ben Hog ♪

♪ The spectators are
all giving a cheer ♪

♪ Ben Hog ♪

♪ To the empire's
favorite charioteer ♪

♪ Ben Hog ♪

♪ His rig may not
look to fancy, but ♪

♪ Ben Hog ♪

♪ He's one speedy
pig in a chariot ♪

♪ Ben Hog ♪

♪ Ben Hog ♪

♪ Ben Hog, Ben Hog, Ben Hog ♪

[fanfare music]

[crowd booing]

[crowd cheering]

- Hey, you're a wimp, Ben Hog.

[pigs laugh]

- [Sheldon] Hooray for Ben Hog!

Hooray!

- He's my hero type person.

[trumpet fanfare]

- Friends, Romans, countrymen.

Start your horses!

♪ They're off and
all the chariots ♪

♪ Are in a cloud of dust ♪

♪ The dust has cleared
and Ben's ahead ♪

♪ He'll win this race, he must ♪

♪ But wait, those
mean ol' hoggy boys ♪

♪ Are up to no good ♪

♪ If Ben hasn't paid
his health plan ♪

♪ Well, maybe he should ♪

♪ Ben Hog is in trouble ♪

♪ Ben Hog is behind ♪

♪ Ben Hog is down ♪

♪ Ben Hog, nevermind ♪

[whistle]

- I've got to finish the
race and win the prize.

- Giddy up!

[blows raspberries]

- I must get back
into my chariot.

[horse neighs]

- Uh oh, our brother's
coming after us.

- This'll stop him.

[horses galloping]

[horses neighing]

- Steady my loyal steeds.

We'll win this race yet.

[horses galloping]

[loud crash]

- [Sheldon] Wow, this sure
is an exciting parade.

- Arthur, Arthur!

- I just wish they
had more floats.

I love floats.

Ooh, that one wasn't bad.

- [Sheldon] Too bad Orson
wasn't here to see it.

- Whoa!

- That one was okay.

- Faster, you stupid horse!

[horse growls]

[pigs yell]

- What happened?

- You won, Orson.

- I won the chariot race?

- No, the blue ribbon for
the best float. [laughs]

[animals clap]

[saxophone music]

- [Garfield] This
chair isn't level.

That's easy enough to fix.

[upbeat saxophone music]

[wood creaks]

- Garfield.

Garfield?

[wood creaks]

- [Garfield] Is the
chair level yet?

[upbeat music]

- It's about 10 more miles

to Cactus Jake's
Dude Ranch, guys.

Boy, you must be
really suffering

with all that fur, Garfield.

- [Garfield] I'm fine as long
as my supply of snow cones

holds out.

Hey Odie, want a lick?

- Yeah, yeah.

[slurps]

Yuck!

- [Garfield] You have no
idea how long I've waited

to do that to him.

- Well, I hope you
have enough snow cones

for 10 more miles because--

[loud bang]

- [Garfield] They got me, Odie.

Tell ma I loved her and bury
me not on the lone prairie.

[coughs]

- Garfield, it's
just a flat tire.

- [Garfield] Boy, you're no fun.

- I hope the spare
tire has air in it.

What?

Garfield, you took
the spare tire out

to make more room for
snow cones, is that it?

- [Garfield] Hey, pal,
necessities of life.

- You realize what
a mistake this is?

- [Garfield] You're right, I
should've brought less lemon

and more grape.

- I'm gonna walk back
to that gas station

we passed a few miles back.

I'll be back as
soon as possible.

Try and stay out of the sun.

[harmonica music]

- [Garfield] Well, I'd better
save my snow cones for later.

It's later.

- It's farther than I thought.

[country music]

[panting]

[coughs] I made it.

[country music]

Excuse me?

- Welcome to Seymour's
Self Serve Service Station.

You can pump your own
gas, check your own oil,

and wash your own windshield.

- I have a flat tire.

- You can also fix
your own flat tire.

We don't do that, too.

- [stammers] But my cat,
my dog, they're out there

in the desert all alone.

[Odie whines]

- [Garfield] You know,
Odie, in the desert,

your eyes can play tricks on ya.

You can see things
that aren't there.

Yep, they're called mirages.

Mirages are fantasies
of the desert.

[upbeat music]

What do you see out there, boy?

Odie!

Odie, you cashew-brained canine!

[Odie barks]

Odie, it's a mirage!

There's nothing out there
but desert and more desert

and more--

[splashing]

[Odie sings]

[splashing]

Hey, sometimes you
don't ask questions.

[loud clang]

It was a mirage, Odie, a mirage.

[Odie whimpers]

[circus music]

[Odie barks]

Odie, come back.

That's another mirage!

Odie, odie!

Odie, you foolish Fido!

Anyone out there
want a buy a dog?

[circus music]

[Odie laughs]

Odie, there is no
merry-go-round there.

No, it's a mirage.

No merry-go-round, no horsie.

- No horsie?

- [Garfield] No horsie.

[Odie whimpers]

Odie, your brains are a mirage.

Now let's get walking
back to the car.

It's that way.

[suspenseful music]

Or is it that way?

Odie, we're lost in the desert!

[Odie whimpers]

- It's right up ahead.

Boy, am I glad you
happened along.

You're so kind.

- Gonna cost you plenty.

- I hope my dog
and cat are okay.

There it is, that car there.

[engine rumbles]

Garfield, Odie, I'm back.

I found a tow truck
and he's-- guys?

Where'd they go?

They left paw
prints in the sand.

Follow those prints.

- Gonna cost even more.

[engine rumbles]

[suspenseful music]

- [Garfield] That's it, Odie.

I can't go any farther.

This is how it ends,
miles from water,

miles from civilization,

miles from a good
Italian restaurant.

I'll never see Jon again.

That's sad.

Of course, on the other hand,
I'll never see Nermal again.

[Odie whines]

It's another mirage.

Ignore it.

I know it looks like an ice
cream parlor, but it's a mirage.

You'll end up with
a sand sundae.

Poor pup.

Doesn't even realize this is it.

The end, finito,
that's all, folks.

Nope, it's a mirage.

I'm not gonna fall for it again.

But it looks so delicious.

Ooh, [teeth chattering] okay.

Here comes another
mouthful of sand, folks.

[upbeat music]

Ooh, yep, everything
here is a mirage.

The lakes, the mountains, Jon
standing by the tow truck.

They even have dumb
looking mirages.

- Garfield.

- They even have
talking mirages.

[gasps] Jon?

Is it really you?

It is you!

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank
you, thank you, thank you.

[kisses]

- Garfield, enough.

Let's get out of this desert.

[upbeat country music]

- [Garfield] That's the
second largest lasagna

I've ever seen in my life.

- No, Garfield,
that's just a mirage.

We're back at the car.

Please fix the tire
as fast as you can.

- Gonna cost ya.

- Looks like we're
all set to go.

- [Garfield] Let me go!

There's lasagna out there
and women and lasagna!

[Odie whines]

- Garfield, it's a mirage.

Now, here's your money.

He was a mirage.

But, we got here and
the tire's fixed, and.

Let's not ask questions.

Let's just get out of here.

[upbeat country music]

- [Garfield] But
the lasagna oasis.

- That was a mirage, Garfield.

[upbeat country music]

- Can you believe that?

He didn't want our lasagna.

[Garfield and
Friends theme song]