03x12 - Feline Felon/U.S. Acres: The Legal Eagle/The Cactus Saga

[bunniefuu]

Ladies

Ladies and

Ladies and gentlemen,

Ladies and gentlemen,
Garfield

Ladies and gentlemen,
Garfield and

Ladies and gentlemen,
Garfield and Friends!

Ladies and gentlemen,
Garfield ♪♪d Friends!

We're...

We're...

ready...

ready...

to...

to...

party!

♪ We're ready to party,
we're ready, yo! ♪

-[Garfield] ♪ I hope you
bring lots of spaghetti ♪

♪ Come on in, come to the
place where fun never ends ♪

♪ Come on in,
it's time to party ♪

♪ With Garfield and Friends ♪

Dancing...

Fiesta...

Romancing...

Siesta...

Samba...

La bamba...

Ay caramba!

Disguises...

Disguises...

Surprises...

Surprises...

And pies of...

And pies of...

all sizes!

♪ Come on in,
come to the place ♪

♪ Where fun never
ends, you bet! ♪

♪ Come on in,
it's time to party ♪

♪ With Garfield and Friends! ♪

♪ Come on in,
it's time to party ♪

♪ With Garfield and Friends! ♪

♪ Garfield and Friends! ♪

[Garfield] In a moment,
I'll wave my finger

and the music will stop.

♪♪

Hey, Garfield, do you notice
anything different about me?

Hmm. This is just a
wild stab in the dark

but could it be
the clown face

I put on you while
you were asleep?

I got a new shirt.

Hmm. Guess I'm not
very observant.

Tonight on
"Wanted Bad Guys,"

we attempt to track down
another dastardly, dishonest,

dangerous criminal.

I'm waiting for them
to go after the guy

who edits movies
for television.

[sniffs]

Ahh! Une momento.

My pie is all done.

This is one pie Garfield's
not going to get.

He doesn't even know
I'm baking it.

He doesn't even...

No. Absolutely not.

Do you know what
the word "no" means?

Not as far as it
relates to pie, I don't.

This pie is for
the charity bake sale.

If you eat this pie,
you are stealing.

Stealing? Isn't
that a little harsh?

We're talking pie eating
here, not bank robbery.

I'm going to put
this pie right here

and trust you
not to steal it.

If you have a shred
of honesty in you,

you will leave that pie alone.

Boy, the way he talks,

you'd think I was some evil
criminal or something.

Have I no sense of decency?

Have I no code of ethics?

For an old piece of pie?

No! I can't do it.

I can't embark on a
life of crime like this.

Wonder what kind of
pie it is, though.

Maybe blueberry, apple.

-[branch cracking]
-I bet it's apple.

Or boysen...

[crash]

Life of crime.

Life of crime,
life of crime...

Tonight, a story of another
dangerous criminal

on "Wanted Bad Guys."

Each week, we tell you
about dangerous criminals

like Benny "the staple
remover" Fesbinder.

Wanted for
robbery, extortion,

and doing the Pennsylvania
Polka in Rhode Island.

Or No-Nose Cheeseblatt,
wanted for burglary,

stealing the Klopman Diamond,

and using a small child
for a bookmark.

Tonight, the most
dangerous criminal

ever featured on the show,

"Lasagna Fingers" Garfield.

I still can't understand it.

I gave him every-
thing. A nice home.

Enough food to feed
Colorado for a year.

Yeah, he used to annoy me when
I was delivering the mail.

Last year, for instance,

he poured a tube of super-
hold glue into my pouch.

[man] Did you ever
get things unstuck?

I'm working on it.

[barking]

How did it happen?

How could an ordinary
feline go so wrong?

It all began in this house.

We will re-create for
you the dramatic events

that led to a life of
crime for Garfield Cat.

Like most criminals,
Garfield started small.

Overdue library books,
stepping on cracks,

and calling infor-
mation for numbers

he could just as easily
have looked up himself.

Then one day, he turned to pies.

That was the turning point.

From there, it was on to cakes,
and a short leap to doughnuts,

-crullers, bagels,
-[horn honks]

oatmeal cookies,
and, worst of all,

prune Danish.

It happened so suddenly.

One day he was my cat,

the next day they had him
on the 10 Most Wanted list.

[man] The police, the FBI?

The National
Association of Bakers.

Soon, even baked
goods weren't...

[Garfield burps]

As I was saying,

soon even baked goods
weren't enough for him.

He turned to other
forms of crime.

He stole a kiss.

He stole third base.

He stole the spotlight.

He even stole
a fleeting glance.

Soon the chief of police
made an announcement.

I've assembled
a special task force.

They will not rest until
this arch criminal

is apprehended.

[man] Any truth to the rumor
that he's been stealing pants?

Absolutely and totally untrue.
That's all, gentlemen.

The stories about him
stealing pants,

I'm convinced those are
totally, completely untrue.

[man] Why is that?

You can't eat pants.

Thank you, Mr. Arbuckle.

You're welcome.

With the city racked
by the crime wave,

the police dispatched
a special task force,

fifteen trained investigators,

each disguised as a
six-foot lasagna.

In no time at all,
he took the bait.

Yoww!

And so, the criminal
career of Garfield Cat

came to an end.

[Garfield] Whoever thought
I'd be betrayed by lasagna?

He was found guilty of pie
stealing, pants robbery,

and attempting to devour
an undercover police officer.

And he was sentenced
to a whole mess

of years in prison.

[Garfield] I hope this
isn't one of those places

that just serves you
bread and water.

But it was worse than that,
because in this prison,

the only thing they ever
served the inmates was...

[gasp] Raisins?

Get me out of here!

This is cruel and
unusual punishment.

I'm sorry, I'll
never do it again!

I'm sorry!

I'm sorry, I'll never steal
anything ever again.

Oh, it was just another one

of those low-budget dream
sequences we do.

But where is Jon's pie?

I gotta get this pie back

before I end up on
the 10 Most Wanted list.

He took the pie.
I can't believe he...

Garfield, you didn't
steal it.

That's wonderful.
I misjudged you.

That's OK. I misjudged me, too.

I was so sure you'd take it
that I made two pies.

You can have that one as a
reward for your honesty.

[Garfield] How do you like
that? Being honest paid off.

Now I get to find out
what kind of pie this is.

Yecch! It's...

It's a raisin pie!

How about that?

Maybe Garfield isn't
as devilish as I thought.

Then again...

[Sheldon] All finished, Booker.

Yeah, our first snowman.

Bonzai!

[chuckles] Oh, I
love doing that!

[Sheldon] What do
we do now, Booker?

[Booker] We build another one,

only bigger and
better this time.

Bon...

zai.

[Sheldon] Well,
it was bigger.

And it certainly
was better.

I found a whole bunch of old
books stored in the old barn.

Help! Help!

Pizza with anchovies!

Uh, Orson, is something amiss?

Yes, something is amiss!

Hey, look at this.

A book of old laws
for the farmyard.

Perfect. And I know
what else we need.

You gonna put your
friends in jail, Orson?

Of course not.

It's just there to remind
everyone that we have laws.

A lot of laws
here, Orse.

Well, you can be my deputy

while I go on my hike
through the forest.

Can I wear a badge?

I don't have a badge.

I do. Deputy Roy
reporting for duty, sir.

Just keep the peace
while I'm away.

Yes, I shall be the peace-
keeper who keeps the peace.

Or maybe even
the whole thing.

♪ I am a legal eagle ♪

♪ It makes my
heartbeat quicken ♪

♪ To know an ill*gal beagle ♪

♪ Will soon be
terror-stricken ♪

♪ I am the cop who
will get the runaway ♪

♪ Swaggering criminal twerp ♪

♪ I look near and far
'cause I wear a star ♪

♪ And can catch 'em
like Wyatt Earp ♪

♪ I am the law and I'm
quick on the draw ♪

♪ If you're guilty,
you better confess ♪

♪ No need to yammer,
you're in the slammer ♪

♪ I'm a barnyard
Eliot Ness ♪

♪ I am a legal eagle ♪

♪ I know you're
wonder-stricken ♪

♪ That I'm a legal eagle ♪

♪ Even though I'm
just a chicken ♪

I must uphold the law.

What do you mean,
I disagreed with you?

I never disagree with you.

OK, like have it your way,

you don't
disagree with me.

That's not true
and you know it.

All right,
whatever you say.

What do you mean,
whatever I say?

Who says I'm right?

I do.

What do you know?

Cease and desist.

Arguing like that is a 708.

You are guilty of 8 counts
of public disagreement.

We are not.

Nine counts of
public disagreement.

Now, are you going
to come quietly?

Come on, sis, the rooster's
like flipped his beak, man.

Law breakers! You cannot escape
from the long wing of the law.

We need
a place to hide.

Like, we're hung
out to dry, sis.

Now, how can I
catch two sheep?

Ha. I know.

I am Little Bo Peep,
and I have lost my sheep.

Wagging their tails
behind them.

You're gonna be
fondue, worm!

Aha! A 927. Worm
hunting out of season.

Ha! Gotcha!

Ha! Gotcha!

Giggling at an
officer of the law.

That's an 828, worm.

Why, you...

Ah, saying naughty words in
worm talk, that's a 699.

[dance music on radio]

Disco dancing on a
Tuesday, that's a 414.

[gasp]

Oh, anxiety! I'm attacked!

I have to get Orson back.

Hello? Hello.

I'd like to make
a duck-to-pig call

to Orson Pig.

[woman over loudspeaker]
Orson Pig. Orson Pig.

Please pick up the
white courtesy tin can.

Uh, this is Orson Pig.

[Wade] Orson! Orson!
Roy's arresting everybody.

He's gone badge happy

and he's throwing
everybody in the slammer!

Having a pig paged in the
pine trees, that's an 808.

Doing double take without
a permit, that's a 593.

Hello? Hello? Operator?

I better get back there.

Rooster with a badge!

There's a 9 mile per
hour speed limit

passing a hog waller.

Exceeding legal maximum
occupancy of a scarecrow.

That's a 240.

[Wade groans]

Impersonating
a Hubbard squash.

That's a 666.

Yeah, well, take me in,

lock me up,

and throw away the key.

Pig returning!

Orson, help!
Do something!

All right,
all right!

In you go, criminal.

Roy, you've
arrested everyone.

Just doing my job.

Orson will do it.

Orson will get us
out of here, man.

You really
think so, Bo?

[cell door slams]

No.

Breathing on a
deputy's feathers.

That's a 588, Orson.

Roy, you can't
lock us all up.

Orson, do something.

Don't worry.
I've got an idea.

Oh, Roy, a word with you.

Could I see
the rule book?

Here, jailbird.

Uh-huh. Hmm.
Oh, here it is.

Putting ketchup on
a peanut butter sandwich.

That's a 617.

Littering farm yard
with stale lunch.

That's a 938!

[Roy] Uh-oh.

[Orson] Ah, use of a dust
pan without a license,

that's a 707.

I'm a "crinimal" too.

That'll show him, Orson.

Yeah, now maybe
he'll learn

not to enforce
dopy laws.

-[Sheldon] Right!
-[door opens]

I have arrested myself.

Roy, who's gonna
let us out?

Hey, like this
book of all laws,

it expired in 1889, man.

That book is over
a hundred years old.

Who started all this,
anyway?

Oh, that's right.

Well, let's get rid of this.

[Roy] And hope that someone
comes by to let us out.

[Lanolin] Anyone.

[Roy] Uh, Orson...

throwing a book out
like that is a 287.

[all] Roy! Shut up!

[Roy] Sorry!

Odie.

[crash]

Odie?

[horse whinnies]

Well, howdy there, ma'am.

You know, some gals might
consider a guy like me

to be a real catch.

Now that you mention it,

you do look a bit
like a rainbow trout.

Uh, gee, I...
[clears throat]

Well, I'm happier
than a rattle snake

in a prairie dog town

to see you back here at
the ranch, Jonny boy.

Uh, Cactus Jake.

I'm hungrier than a rattle
snake in a prairie dog town.

Whatever that means.

Well, it's my old
pal Garfunkel.

You gotta watch out
for them cactuseses.

[Garfield] I didn't
get acupunctured?

Cactus Jake, how did you
get the name Cactus Jake?

Well, funny you
should ask that, Jonny.

Old Gargamel here
just reminded me

of how come my family carries
the nickname of Cactus.

[Garfield] Uh-oh, I feel
a flashback coming on, folks.

Let me tell ya the story.

[Garfield] This would
be a good time

to go to the kitchen
for more Corn Flakes.

You see, it all started
with my grandpappy,

Cactus Jack.

Only he was just
plain old Jack then.

You've heard of the James
g*ng, the Wild Bunch.

You know Butch Cassidy
and the Sundance Kid,

and places along
the outlaw trail

like Hole-in-the-Wall
and Robbers' Roost.

Well, Grandpa Jack
was the sheriff

of a little town near
that old outlaw trail.

And his deputy was
a feline dr*fter

known only as
the Lasagna Kid.

Ah...choo!

His job was to keep the peace

in the territory's
varmint population.

[whinnying]

Ah-choo!

-[splash!]
-[Garfield] Easy boy.

Just my luck to have
the only horse in the West

that's allergic to cats.

Nobody knew where
the Kid come from,

but everybody that knew him
knew to stay clear of him.

Hey, who let
that cat in here?

As for those that didn't,

they learned a hard
lesson real fast.

Make your play,
stranger.

Fastest flatware
in the West.

That was the Lasagna
Kid, yessiree.

I didn't mean
nothin', honest.

I apologize, Mister Deputy, sir.

The Kid was touchy all right.

There was only one woman who
knew the way to his heart.

Howdy, Deputy.

Howdy, Miss Kitty.

Mighty fancy eatin'
there, Kid.

Must be tough being the
fastest eater in the West.

Well, you know how it is.

There's always some
young punk fork slinger

waiting to challenge you.

Well, how about showing me
some more of that spoon play?

If'n you like, ma'am.

It must be love.

Then came that fateful day

when the three orneriest
crooks in the county

come to town.

The Lefkowitz Brothers.

[woman shrieks]

[horses whinny]

[Miss Kitty mumbling]

What in the name of Gene
Autry is going on?

Sheriff, the Short Ranch
Cafe's just been held up

and they've gone and
took Miss Kitty, too!

Grandpa Jack and the Kid
spoke nary a word

to each other.

OK, who's the wise guy
who moved my horse?

They headed out of town
after the outlaws.

[horse sneezes]

Their destination...

the famed varmint-infested

and pretty-near
impregnable outlaw hideout

known as Robbers' Roost.

It was possible to
lose yourself for months

in that there maze
of ridge rocks.

[sniffing]

Ah-chooo!

Luckily, the Lasagna Kid's horse

could smell the cat
hair from Kitty

to point the way.

Ah-chooo!

It was tough going.

One false step and... Well,
I don't have to tell you.

You boys give yourself up
in the name of the law.

It looked like Grandpa
Jack had bitten off

a mite more than he could chew.

That's when old
Lady Luck intervened.

Ah... Ah...

Ah... Ah-chooo!

[ground rumbling]

Whoa! Ouch!

Ooh! Eeh! Ohh!

Oww! Ooh! Aah!

You rescued me, Kid.

How can I show
my appreciation?

[Kid] Oh...

maybe some more of
that there lasagna.

They took Miss Kitty back
to the Short Branch Cafe.

As for Grandpa Jack...

he stopped off
at the town doctor.

Seems he'd gotten a
little behind in his work.

[Jack] Ouch! Ooh!

Ohh! Aah!

Ain't you through yet, Doc?

Ooch! That hurts!

From now on, I think
we should call you

Sheriff Cactus Jack.

So that's how come
you're Cactus Jake,

huh, Cactus Jake?

[chuckles] That's
right, partner.

Mmm! Hey, there's
nothing beats the taste

of Western-styled
barbecued ribs.

[Kid] Cactus Schmactus,

I'm still the fastest
flatware in the West.

[theme song plays]

[background chatter, laughter]

Hey!

Whoo!