06x07 - Two Funerals And A Wedding

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains
very strong language

from the outset and throughout.

[BABY GRIZZLES]

♪ THE RONETTES: Be My Baby ♪

Shh, shh, shh.

♪ The night we met, I knew I...

♪ Needed you so...

Oh, Mummy loves it
when you stay up all night.

OK, bubba.

OK, baby.

[BABY FARTS]
Oh! Sc-use you!

♪ We'll make 'em turn their heads

♪ Every place we go

♪ So won't you please

♪ Be my, be my baby

♪ Be my little baby... ♪
Oh, f*ck! Ahh.

You OK?

sh*t. Hey, you OK?
[SOBS AND LAUGHS]

Hey. Why are you lying
in the baby's sh*t bags?

- I guess it's comfortable.
- Jesus, it f*cking stinks!

- Oh, I was clearing up.
- But I said I'd do that.

I know. [LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLES] I love you.

I love you, too.

Hey. Hey.
[BABY GURGLES]

Will you marry me?

[LAUGHS] Are you f*cking joking?

I...

have never been more serious
in my life.

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

[CHUCKLES] Yeah!

♪ BARRETT STRONG:
Money [That's What I Want] ♪

♪ The best things in life are free... ♪

Who knows what tomorrow brings?
Only the wind.

Who knows why the telephone rings?
Only the wind.

Who knows which way the road will turn?

Only the wind. Yeah.

It's a poem by JD Marquis.

I just don't understand

what that's got to do with me telling
you that my life's in disarray.

All me mates are f*cking sorted,
they have a future,

and I'm the f*cking late one
to the party again, you great twat.

Know what I mean?

- Only the wind can tell you that.
- Should I go out there now, Christopher,

and ask the f*cking wind?

Always reminds me of Melinda.
[GROANS]

We were in Mexico. Tulum.

- You ever been there?
- No.

Idiot.

It's amazing.
We were on a poetry retreat.

Her idea. She'd rented
this eco-cabana on the beach.

We'd been swimming in the ocean.

I'm having a shower and she comes in

and wraps her beautiful arms around me.

And then she slid herself down and...

- Just noshes you off.
- ...and pleasures me.

And on the wind at that very moment
came that poem - to me.

Dude, how in the f*ck
do you get from MY sadness...

- to YOU being on a beach?
- It's all linked, Vinnie.

- It's not f*cking linked!
- It is. It's all about...

- loss and sorrow and sadness.
- I'm leaving.

Fine.

Listen, am I invited to this reception?

♪ ERNIE K DOE: Here Come The Girls ♪
[CHATTER AND LAUGHTER]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[ALL GASP]

Oh, my God!

Mate, you look absolutely beautiful.

I look like what I am - tired,
with massive t*ts and dry skin.

- Oh, shut up.
- I think you look a million dollars.

Aw.

Cos, you know,
she's never been a classic beauty.

More of like a quirky quack-quack,
quack-quack, quack-quack-quack.

[QUACKS]
Thanks, Mum.

[HORN TOOTS]
Your chauffeur awaits! Let's go!

[CHEERING]

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

And the best part is,
we're taking the long way there!

[CHEERING]

♪ Here come the girls

♪ Girls, girls, girls

♪ Here come the girls... ♪

[PIANO MUSIC IN BACKGROUND]

[WHISPERING]

- Oi, listen.
- Don't laugh, right, but...

that registrar, he keeps on gurning.

Look. He's getting a tic.

That's not a f*cking tic.

No, that's not a tic. I went out
with a fella with a tic once.

Gorgeous, he was.
Every time he laughed, he..."Ha-ha!"

- Let me guess, you f*cked him though?
- I did, yeah.

There was no laughing in that bedroom,

I'll tell you that much for free.

- What was his c*m face like?
- Dude.

Why would I tell you that?

The bride is in the building!

Yeah, let's hope
she's not married already.

- For f*ck... That's...
- Dude, f*cking hell, man.

♪ NANCY WILSON:
[You Don't Know] How Glad I Am ♪

♪ My love has no beginning...

Ooh, she's fit.

- Yeah.
- Eh?

♪ ..my love won't bend

♪ I'm in the middle

♪ Lost in a spin

Here she is. Ooh. ♪ Loving you... ♪

- Mate.
- You look great, Sugar.

You look beautiful.

Oh. Liz. Liz.

[MUSIC FADES]

[WHISPERS]

Welcome, everyone.

We're here today
to witness Jehan and Mary...

- Mary?
- ...formally pledge their love,

to be united in marriage

and offer each other
the security that comes

from promises faithfully kept.

- What the f*ck?
- They are choosing to make

a commitment to each other
for the rest of their lives.

But first, I call upon
any person here present

who knows of any lawful impediment,

to declare it now.

[MUTTERING AND CHUCKLING]
Don't say it.

Who has the rings?

- There you go.
- Thank you.

Please repeat after me.

Mary...

Mary.

- ...I offer you this ring...
- ...I offer you this ring...

...as a symbol
of my love and affection.

Now you, Mary.

- Jehan...
- Jehan...

- ...I offer YOU this ring...
- ...I offer YOU this ring...

- ...as a symbol of MY love...
- ...as a symbol of my love...

- ...and affection.
- ...and affection.

You may place them
on each other's fingers.

Aw.

You've made an unbreakable bond

in front of guests and witnesses,

and declared in law
your binding contract of marriage.

And it gives me great pleasure
to pronounce you...

...husband and wife.

[CHEERING]

♪ LOVE AFFAIR: Everlasting Love ♪

♪ Open up your eyes

♪ Then you'll realise

♪ Here I stand with my everlasting love

♪ Need you by my side

♪ Girl, to be my bride

♪ You'll never be denied
everlasting love

♪ From the very start

♪ Open up your heart... ♪

[DANCE MUSIC BLARES]

Oi! Ratboy Slim!

Never mind all this f*cking...

no-words, woo-woo...

acidy f*cking grungy garagey sh*t.

Play one we all know.

Not that kind of DJ, brother.

It's a f*cking wedding.

We need something we can sing along to.

- f*cking shut up.
- f*cking Come On Eileen.

- Hey, f*cking Livin' La Vida Loca.
- No.

Mickey by Toni f*cking Basil.

- Oh, f*cking hell! I'll have a look.
- Good.

Ooh, 'ey. No, no.

I have got the f*cking perfect song.

Lovely ceremony. Even with the...

- Ah, yeah, thanks.
- Are you going on a honeymoon?

Three days in Barcelona. Sugar's
mum's gonna look after the baby.

She can barely pull a pint.
Is she good at looking after kids?

Nah, but, you know,
we'll be on the muscatel, innit.

Anyway, look,
I'm sure she will keep him alive.

Ladies and gentlemen, special request.

Bride and groom
on the dancefloor, yeah?

Can't believe I'm playing this.

This one...

♪ HADDAWAY: What Is Love ♪
[CHEERING]

♪ Baby, don't hurt me

♪ Don't hurt me no more

Come on!

- ♪ What is love?
- f*cking right!

♪ Baby, don't hurt me

♪ Don't hurt me no more

♪ What is love?

♪ Baby, don't hurt me

- ♪ Don't hurt me no more... ♪
- Oh, bloody hell.

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

- Who the f*ck's that?
- She's fit. I would.

If I was a l*sbian,
which - trust me - I've considered.

Christ.

Alright, love?

- Vinnie O'Neil?
- Yeah. The very same, yeah.

I'm sorry to come
to your friends' wedding but...

It's alright. What's going on?

- Can I speak to you?
- You ARE speaking to me.

Somewhere private.

Yeah. Shall we have a...

Sweetheart...

..what... what's going on?

It's Dylan.

What about him?

I'm his girlfriend.

I was.

He's dead, Vinnie.

Dylan's dead.

It... It was a bike accident.

What are you talking about?

He was on his way to work.
A kid ran out, he swerved and...

He just got knocked off.

What are you talking about?

Dylan's never rode a bike
in his f*cking life.

I'm so sorry, Vin.

Vin?

What...?

It's Dylan.

f*ck!

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Look at that. Can you do that?

No. Stop delaying.

What about this?
[ROBOTICALLY] I am a robot.

[ROBOTIC GRUNTS]

It's a long way down.

That's the thrill of it.

- You go first.
- No, we did rock, paper, scissors.

What if it's not deep enough?

Vin, I looked up the depth and
that's without the rain we've had.

It's definitely deep enough.

If I end up paraplegic, Dildo,
you're the one pushing me around.

Aargh!

[PANTING] It's f*cking freezing!

Come on!

Nah. I think I'll just smoke this.

- Can I tell you a secret?
- Anything.

- I don't ever want to be normal.
- How do you mean?

Well, you see them. [ALARMS]

They get up same time every day,

go to a job they hate.

They look unhappy.

What's the point of it all?

So shall we make a pact?
Never be normal?

Never be normal.

- Never be normal!
- Never be normal!

What the f*ck?

He talked about you a lot, you know.

And you, Erin, and your little boy.
[VINNIE EXHALES]

He was my best friend.
How can he not exist?

[LAUGHS]

He missed yous.

[SNIFFLES]

I might just have a bit of a walk.

- Vinnie.
- I'm alright.

Vinnie, don't walk off.
I don't want you to be on your own.

I'm alright, hon,
I'm just... Need a minute.

He, um...

He kept this in his wallet.

[GENTLE MUSIC]

♪ Not really sure how to feel about it

♪ Something in the way you move

♪ Makes me feel
like I can't live without you

♪ It...

♪ ..takes me all the way

♪ I want you to stay

♪ Want you to stay

♪ Round...

♪ And around and around

♪ And around we go

♪ Oh, now tell me now...

'What could possibly go wrong?'

That's the stupidest plan
I've heard all year.

Yes! [SCREAMING]

- Oh, now we're living!
- Could've f*cking k*lled us!

- Oh, f*ck me!
- Jesus!

♪ The reason I hold on

♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh...

I know you're Tyler's father.

Do you know what?
You created a life with her.

And she kept it, man. She kept yours
and she got rid of mine.

- ♪ But I'm the only one...
- I really miss you, dude.

Be careful.'

Love you, man.

- 'I love you.'
- ♪ When you finally see the light

♪ It's hard to know
which one of us is caving

♪ Not really sure
how to feel about it... ♪

[KNOCKING]

- How are you, Vinnie?
- You alright, Carol?

Ah, listen.

I'm so sorry.

No-one should have to lose
their best friend.

Everyone's just a bit worried,
so I thought I'd see how you were.

Yeah.

I just wanted to be on my own.

Well, maybe for just an hour.
Alright? For the sake of the others.

[SIGHS]

Yeah.

- Yeah?
- Mm-hm.

Alright.

♪ NORTH: Sleeping At Last ♪

♪ We will call this place our home

♪ The dirt in which our roots may grow

♪ Though the storms will push and pull

♪ We will call this place our home

♪ We'll tell our stories... ♪

Isn't it strange to think
that man that you had inside you

- is not alive any more?
- Mum!

Well, it happens to us all,
sweetheart. I've got seven of them.

- Christ!
- Seven?

Yeah. My list of past lovers.

Yep, seven six feet under.

Maybe you've got a cursed vag*na.

You know, in the same way that
King Midas had the Midas touch,

you've got the cursed vag*na.

Oh, no, actually because
there's 44 of them

that's doing totally fine.

Mum, stop talking about your vag*na!

So you all know that Dylan's body's
being transported back up today?

His parents have asked
if I'll do the funeral.

- f*ck' mad Angie.
- What about f*cking Ian?

- Oh, I hate the guy.
- Who's Ian?

Oh, Dylan's step-dad. He's ex-army.

The f*cking worst.

They won't even know what Dylan
wants for a funeral, anyway.

f*ck me, we've done it!
We already did it.

Who has?

Me and Dylan, right,
we planned his funeral -

and mine, actually - when we were 14.

So we stole this car from the estate,

and we'd take it for a ride
around the hills.

I took a f*cking corner too fast.
It spun like crazy.

We end up inches
from this 50-foot drop.

Well, it really shat us up,

and all the way home,
we talked about bloody funerals.

And then Dylan says...
'Let's write it all down.'

So we got some paper from his mum's
telephone pad and wrote down

everything we wanted for our funeral.

I mean, I don't remember
what it said, like,

but we time-capsuled it.

School were doing a project,
burying sh*t for future generations,

so we nicked one of them capsules,

put all our funeral arrangements
in it, and buried it.

[LAUGHS] Yeah. f*cking mad.

We should go and dig it up.

Cardi, they were 14,
and they were stoned.

Can you imagine what's written on that?

- Loads of d*ck drawings and that.
- Yeah! Exactly.

[BELL DINGS]

- Hi. You must be Dylan's parents.
- That's right.

I hope you don't mind, but a couple
of his good friends are here

as they'd like to offer
their thoughts on his service.

You two c**ts.

Still a charmer, Ian.

Ange.

So sorry for your loss, Angie.

I'm sorry for your loss, too, guys.

Not MY loss. He wasn't my kid.

If he was MY kid,
he would have a proper job,

rather than poncing around
g*y Brighton on g*y bikes,

getting hit by f*cking lorries.

Do they do g*y bikes now?
They must do 'em.

Is that when one bike likes the sex,

like a bike of his own sex,
or something?

- Let's not make a scene.
- Vin.

By the way, twat, I want my watch back.

What f*cking watch?!

The last time you came round
with Dylan, you stole my watch.

I never took your f*cking watch,
you gobshite.

You're a liar and a thief.
Fake TAG Heuer.

Me mate's died and you're
f*cking stood there like a-

- Alright.
- f*ck, he's a knobhead.

- Accusing us of stealing your watch.
- Not HIM. YOU.

We're not here to talk
about watches, are we?

We're here to talk
about Dylan's funeral, alright?

Ange, have you thought about songs
or readings or anything?

Because this is no disrespect
to you, right...

but I think we might know more
than what you do.

That's very kind of you, Erin.

But I've just been crying
for my dead son.

A mother should never
outlive her child.

I brought him in and I'll take him out.

And, frankly, from the woman
who aborted his child,

and the man who stole
Tyler's fatherhood from him...

You think he never told me anything,
Vinnie? Well, he DID.

He left because of YOU.

And now I'll never see him again.

I couldn't care less
what you pricks want. In fact...

we don't even want you there.

I'd like to see my boy now.

This way.

f*ck! I'm telling you,
there's no way they're getting Dylan.

We're throwing Dylan
a f*cking funeral -

the funeral HE would have wanted.

- Come on.
- Wankers!

- Did you steal the watch?
- Yeah, I stole his f*cking watch!

Listen, all we have to do
is jump the fence,

go to the field behind the staffroom
and dig up the f*ck' time capsule.

- Dude.
- What?

- Give over.
- Shh!

Stop f*cking pretending to be
Steven Seagal on every shaggin' job.

Steven Seagal, he was an awful ride
when he was young.

Listen to me. Listen.

I want you two here keeping dog-eye.

Me and Dickhead are gonna
dig up some gardens.

Be safe back here.
It's gonna be crazy out there.

What if someone comes?
We're gonna need a signal.

- Bark like a dog.
- But what if a REAL dog barks?

Good point. Let's hear your dog bark.

[UN-DOG-LIKE GROWLING]

- He's a big, sexy lad, in't he?
- Yeah, that's good.

- Ruff!
- Jesus!

- Ruff!
- Go with that one.

High pitched, we'll know it's you.

It's really nice. Let's go.

Stop carrying 'em like that.
Doesn't look cool.

- You look like a stripper.
- Ruff!

Oh, sh*t.

There's a f*cking shed.

I take it the shed
wasn't there before, no?

- It's a new development.
- Ah. What do we do so?

Oh, just f*ck it.

f*ck's in there, dude? [ANIMAL BLEATS]

- I don't know.
- They've got animals.

They can't even look after
f*cking kids.

Oh. Big, large dogs.

- They're GOATS, you f*cking pranny.
- Right. Sorry.

f*ck me!

Come on. You're alright.

[BLEATING] Get out.

How deep down is it?
[SHOVEL HITS METAL]

- Oh, Vin, Vin, Vin.
- You're having a giraffe.

Listen, listen.

[TAPPING ON METAL]

Ohh! [LAUGHS]

Dude, no f*cking way!

[BOTH GASP AND LAUGH]

- I don't f*cking believe it, dude.
- Is this your one?

Course it's f*cking MY one!

- How the f*ck...
- Get the f*ck up.

- But there could be multiples.
- Get your spade.

Oh, sh*t.

Which one's mine? Is it that one?
Stop looking. I think it's that one.

- Are we not gonna read...
- No, you can't!

- You can read it when I'm dead!
- Aren't you gonna read it yourself?

No! No, it's going behind the shack.

Putting it back in here,
behind the shack.

- If I die, you know where it is.
- Alright, there's two lists.

One is for the funeral
and one is for his ashes.

Jesus Christ,
you lads went into s bit of detail!

We were in a bad way. Stoned.

We can't do all THAT.

You sure you was only f*cking stoned?

- We'd just nearly died.
- I mean, Jesus Christ.

- Is that even f*cking possible?
- Circus-themed party. Jesus.

As long as we give him
a fitting send-off,

- we don't have to do ALL of it.
- No, we DO.

We DO have to do all of it.

We have to do every f*cking bit.

- TOMMY: It's what he would've wanted.
- Here he is!

[CHEERING]

Hello, it's me! I'm back!

DAVEY: I'm sorry to hear about
your friend's accident, Vincent.

[SNORTING]

That's a selfish line, in't it?
f*ck me.

I was very fond of Dylan.

It's ironic, of course, after
so long you thought I'd k*lled him,

and he gets knocked over by a truck.

Yeah, well, that is
if it WAS a f*cking accident, dude.

- Christ.
- Are you kidding me?

I wouldn't be seen dead
driving a truck.

Well, does it not seem like
a bit of a coincidence

that McCann gets the bloody hump
about this statue

and then the next thing you know,
poor Dylan's dead, in't he?

Yeah, I think it IS a coincidence,
and shall I tell you why?

Because he doesn't want Dylan.

He wants YOU, Vincent.

f*cking meaning what?

Meaning he wants you dead.

And he's asked ME to facilitate it.

sh*t.

You put him inside for a long time

and every single day, he festers on it.

I'm only surprised
he's not asked me to do it sooner.

Alright, so what are you
gonna do about it?

What do you think
I should do about it? Hmm?

sh*t, I'd rather you didn't
f*cking k*ll me.

I've got stuff to do. Know what I mean?

OK, let's just say
that I DON'T k*ll you.

Do you really think Terence McCann

is gonna throw his hands up in the air

and go, "Oh, well, never mind"?

Don't be daft, Vincent.

- You're stuck with it.
- sh*t.

You're gonna be looking over your
shoulder for the rest of your life.

You ever played Russian Roulette,
Vincent?

No, funnily enough, I f*cking haven't.

Oh, it's a good game.

One b*llet...

five chambers...

What's that now? A tiny percentage.



f*ck, no.

- No?
- f*ck' no.

- Go on.
- No! f*ck that.

- No?
- Give over. No.

- No?
- No!

- Don't be stupid!
- No?

- Davey, don't, dude! Don't!
- Bang!

What the f*ck?!

You're a f*cking lunatic.

See, we're cautious creatures,
human beings, Vincent.

But the ones that reap the rewards...

..the ones that prosper...

..they're the ones
that take the biggest chances.

You were there for me
when my brother died.

You were very kind.

And now you need
a return on that kindness.

If I take care of
your McCann problem...

..then I want you to remember
what I have done for you.

Right?

- Mm.
- Look at me.

Yeah. Yes.

Now you go and give your friend
a fantastic send-off!

Alright.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Just tell me now,
would it be deeply unethical

if we were to give Dildo's mum

the coffin without Dildo being in it?

Uh, yes! Unethical. Unthinkable.
We could lose our licence.

That's only if someone finds out
that it's happened.

You know, in my
admittedly limited experience...

people do generally assume
that their relative

is, you know, residing in the box.

I know they never check,
but - b*tch or not -

she's Dylan's mum and she deserves
the decency of having him in there.

Meena's right.

sh*t.

Ooh, f*ck me! Alright, alright.

Alright.
What about if we share the bugger?

How do you mean?

You've got two f*cking rooms, ain't ya,

in the crematorium.

Yeah, they're always double-banking
ceremonies.

Get this, right.

So, Dildo's mum has her funeral.
The coffin goes through the curtain.

We take him on the other side
of the curtain in the other room,

and we do our own f*cking funeral
half an hour later.

- D'you know what I mean?
- Or, actually...

- I'm sorry. That's f*cking genius.
- And on a serious note,

we kind of need some ashes as well.

Hang on.
Won't Dylan's mum want the ashes?

Yeah, we can't share those.

Unless we CAN,
in which case, we will do that.

Oh, no, ashes are ashes.
We'll just give some spares we have.

You've got spare ashes knocking about?

People don't bother collecting them.

Some tell us to chuck 'em in t'bin.

Not everyone's that loved.

- Oh.
- Dark.

We've got a f*cking funeral
to sort out.

Come on. Get yourselves together.

To be honest, that looks like
a Missing Person's poster.

No, it's gonna stand out
because it's white.

- I think the blue stands out.
- It will get lost.

♪ THE WHO: Baba O'Riley ♪

Hayley Carver.

Vinnie did say that Dylan was
very, very smitten with her.

Captain of the netball team.

We used to call her
the Medusa of midfield defence.

One look at her playing
could turn your c*ck to stone.

Avanti.

[KNOCKING]

- Hayley?
- No. I'm from next-door.

- She's been looking after my iguanas.
- Is Hayley there?

Who's asking?

It's... It's me...

It's me. It's Thom... Thom...
Thom... Thom... Thomas Schaffner.

Tiny Tom?

Tiny tosspot Tommy?

Turdy tit head Tommy
twat face with his tiny-

Yeah, that's the one... Yeah.

Oh, Hayley, sadly we are the bearers
of very, very sad news.

Your old classmate,
and our dear, dear friend,

Dylan Golding has died.

- Dildo?
- He has a request for you.

From beyond the grave.

♪ Sally, take my hand

♪ We'll travel south cross land... ♪

Yeah, the cat shat in his food,
and he died of E. coli.

[LAUGHS] That's crazy, man.

- Hey Donny, Dave.
- Ash? You've got some nerve.

If Beasley finds out you're here,
he'll k*ll you.

Never mind that.
I've got a job for you.

It's a cash-in-hand kinda situation.

Involving what?

♪ Let's get together
before we get much older

- I'm gonna go across the road.
- OK.

That's for Dylan's funeral,
so if you can make it...

Or not. Whatever.

Told you he'd be dead, didn't I?

You prick!

- Will there be food and drink after?
- I'm gonna k*ll him.

- I am gonna k*ll yer.
- Come on. Come on.

[GROWLS]

I have it on very good authority

that you're like Pablo Pi-f*cking-casso
when it comes to drones.

I need something very, very specific.

Buy me a white wine spritzer
and I'm all ears.

I don't want to make a big thing of it.
I'll just show you.

- Jesus!
- Yeah. Yeah. Just let us in.

- Jesus.
- OK. Thank you.

Can't have rats
in a fireworks factory, can you?

The workers clock off at 5:30, so...

...we can go and set some traps,

while you go and find a decent
hiding place somewhere.

Disabled toilet. No one goes in 'em.

Well, except for, like,
disabled people, Jim, eh?

That's prime sh1tting real estate.

Stop f*cking arguing about toilets.

Listen, go and f*cking lay some traps,
pair of you. Spread out.

Look like you're meant to be here.

- Go.
- Oh, f*ck dude.

- I'm doing it.
- You're dumb as f*ck.

Does my head in.

f*cking old twat.

Makes you think, don't it?

Someone dying.

Have you achieved everything
you wanted to do?

Yeah, man.

Gotta live true to yourself.

Gotta know real love, and...

..you know, bring joy
to the hearts of others.

I wanna do bukkake.

I've asked around but...

it's not that easy to arrange.

You've "asked around"?

In the pub, in farmers' forums.

- Yeah, no takers?
- Not a f*cking sniff.

Right, so just to clarify,

who is it who's being jizzed on?

You?

Yeah. Not saying I'd like it.

- So let's just leave it at that.
- Yeah, let's.

Hey up.

WORKER: Wayne, I'm off!
See you tomorrow.

Alright, see you tomorrow.

[ELECTRONIC VOICE]
'Security alert. You are on camera.

Authorisation coded needed.'



'Incorrect. You have
two attempts remaining.'

- sh*t!
- Vinnie, what's going on?

- Can't you open the f*cking shutters?
- I can't open the f*cking shutters.

There's a f*cking security robot.
He's a d*ck.

- 'Incorrect. One attempt remaining.'
- f*ck off!

'Incorrect. Security breach.
Security breach. Security breach.

You must leave
the premises immediately.'

Argh!

'Security breach. Security breach.

- Security breach.'
- f*ck's sake, dude!

Hang on. Jesus Christ!

'You must leave
the premises immediately.'

f*cking stupid thing.

- What the f*ck you doing?
- There's a f*cking AI robot, dude.

'Sensor down! Sensor down!

No intel.

Please notify manufacturer.'

I've fixed it.

[ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC]

Christ.

[MESSAGE ALERT] sh*t.

Oi. Oi! Get in t'cars and that.

I'm gonna ring that bloke,
the Drone King geezer.

Rocking and rolling.
Get in there, Thomas.

Summat different about you today.

♪ Running through the heat, heartbeat

♪ You shine like silver in the sunlight

♪ You light up my cold heart

♪ It feels right in the sun, the sun

♪ We're running around and 'round

♪ Like nothing else
could matter in our lives

♪ But wait, but wait, but wait...
[DRONES BUZZ]

♪ The sun will stop shining soon

♪ And you'll be dark in my life

♪ Yeah, you'll be gone

♪ It's as simple as a change of heart

♪ But I'm not gonna
think about the future

♪ A love like this won't last forever

♪ I know that a love like this

♪ Won't last forever... ♪

He wanted skywriting.

It's classy. Very classy.

Ahh.

[THEY LAUGH]

It's less classy now, obviously.

But now it's time
to say a final goodbye,

committing Dylan's body
to its resting place

and thus his memory to our hearts.

In love, we leave him in peace.

And with respect, we bid him farewell.

[CURTAIN MOTOR WHIRS]

[WHIRRING]

Listen. Er...

The first time I met this bugger...

..I was only little.

[SOBS] And I knew he was special.

They say opposites attract,
and they definitely did.

He was sensible... and handsome...

..clever.

But when we were together,
we were the same.

You know... we made a pact,
when we were little...

..that we'd never live a normal life.

I mean, f*cking boring 9:00 to 5:00,

every f*cking day
starts looking the same, you know?

But I do... I realise now, that...

people do need a bit of normality...

..and just someone to love...

..and someone to love them, too.

Somewhere to go,

somewhere you can call your own,
you know?

And Dylan wasn't much different.

Life with me...

..it was too chaotic for him.

It was too scary.
I think he was always...

..he was always panicked

that something f*cking terrible
might happen.

Er...

...I just hope that in his
final moments, you know, he was...

..he was happy...

..and he had some love
in his heart, you know?

Um...

..he wouldn't have wanted
today to be sad.

- No.
- No.

In fact, he, erm...

he wanted it to be quite fun.

Um...

You all have a box in front of you,
so if you'd like to open it...

Oh, f*cking hell.

- Come on.
- You're f*cking joking me.

And let's give the best goodbye

to the beautiful man that was...

..Dylan Golding.

Dylan.

Come on, let's sit down.

Come on, up, up, up...

[MUSIC PLAYS] [CHEERING]

♪ I'm sitting on top of the world

♪ I'm rolling along

♪ Yes, rolling along

- ♪ And I'm quitting...
- Lynda? Who's Lynda?

♪ ..the blues of the world

♪ I'm singing a song

♪ Yes, singing a song

♪ "Glory hallelujah,"
I just told the Parson

♪ "Hey, Par, get ready to call"

♪ Just like Humpty Dumpty,
I'm going to fall

♪ And I'm sitting on top of the world

♪ I'm rolling along

♪ Rolling along

♪ Don't want any millions

♪ I'm getting my share

♪ I've only got one suit, just one

♪ That's all I can wear

♪ A bundle of money

♪ Don't make me feel g*y

♪ A sweet little honey is making me say

♪ And I'm sitting, sitting on top,
top of the world

♪ I'm rolling along

♪ Rolling along

♪ And I'm quitting, quitting
the blues, blues of the world

♪ I'm singing a song

♪ Just singing a song

♪ "Glory hallelujah,"
I just told the Parson

♪ "Hey, Par, get ready to call"

♪ Just like Humpty Dumpty,
I'm going to fall

♪ And, yeah, I'm sitting on top,
top of the world

♪ I'm rolling along

♪ Rolling along. ♪

[FIREWORKS POP AND WHISTLE]

[CHATTER AND LAUGHTER]

He was a wonderful man.

He was.

- I can see why he loved you all.
- Mm.

Oh, sh*t.

- Hm?
- I'll just be a minute.

f*ck.

My condolences.

Thanks, man.

McCann is no more.

Toodle-pip, sweetheart.

Er...

The King is dead, Donna.

Long live the King.

[CHATTER AND LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

Here we go... [FIREWORKS POP]

[CHEERING] f*cking hell.

♪ BRENTON WOOD: The Oogum Boogum Song ♪

♪ Oogum, oogum, boogum, boogum
Boogum now, baby, you're casting...

Drum roll, drum roll.

Ohh!

OK, quiet down in there, Ash. [LAUGHS]

[CHEERING AND WHOOPING] Come on!

♪ You got me doin' funny things
like a clown

♪ Just look at me...

- VINNIE: Have you got everything?
- Yeah.

Are you ready to rock?

Make sure YOU'VE got everything,
because this is one hell of a walk.

I'm ready for it.

♪ And you wear that cute mini skirt

♪ With your brother's sloppy shirt... ♪

I tell you what, I never thought
he'd be the first to die, you know.

- Who'd you think WOULD be?
- This c**t here.

Deranged f*cking sex act, definitely-

It has come very close, believe you me.

[LAUGHTER]

I can see it!

- Come on, let's go. Come on.
- Last one up the hill's a knobhead!

Jesus f*cking Christ.
Thank God for that.

Oh, it looks gorgeous. Come on.

Oh, it's freezing.

Sickness. Come on.

CARDI: Woo, look at it.

Come on, let's have it.
Are you having it? Yeah, man.

It's a good-sized d*ck, in't it?

Right, according
to Dylan's instructions,

he wanted this to be
his final resting place.

OK? And his ashes, I quote,
he wants 'em sprinkled...

"like c*m coming out of
the giant chalk man's d*ck".

Classy. Classy.

So, going with


let's jizz it out. Just give us
an 'and with t'f*cking wind.

I don't want it
coming out of his ba*ls. Ready?

Yeah.

- Oh, sh*t, it's coming back.
- It's in my mouth.

It's gone in my face a bit.

I've eaten him.
I've eaten a bit of Dylan.

- Not for the first time.
- It tastes handsome.

Come on now. Bring it in.

Give us some bloody love, will yer?
Come on, Erin!

Erin, let's have a minute. Come on.

Aw, for Dildo.

♪ SUPERGRASS: Sun Hits The Sky ♪

Ladies and Gentlemen,
welcome to Dead Dylan Tours.

This is your skipper speaking.

- Say hello, Ashley.
- Hello, Ashley.

Very good.
That's the first joke of the day.

Hope you're feeling fresh,
fun and fruity.

♪ I am a doctor

♪ I'll be your doctor...

Having fun back there?
Scream if you want to go faster.

[ALL CHEER]

♪ Live for the right things... ♪

[TYRE POPS] [ALL SCREAM AND YELL]

[BUS CREAKS]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Dickhead. What are you doing?
Stay still. Stay still.

Oh, no. No, no, no. f*ck,
we're literally on the f*cking edge.

We need to be down that end.

But nobody make
any sudden movements! Cardi!

- Cardi.
- Stop moving.

Shh. [BUS CREAKS]

Listen. Any sudden movements,
we're going over.

Slowly...
Slowly to the front of the bus.

Really f*cking slow.

Erin, really slow, sweetheart.

It's alright. You're alright.
It's alright.

Come on. Come on. That's it.

- Lovely.
- It's alright.

- Come on. Yeah, yeah.
- Slow. Slow, slow, slow, slow, slow.

Really slow.

Oh, f*ck.

Well, that's not good. sh*t.

It's the f*cking beer.

It's f*cking gonna tip us
over the other end.

I need to reduce some weight
from down this f*cking end. b*stard.

I'm gonna crawl on my belly and I'm
gonna hand sh*t back, one by one.

- f*cking hell.
- Yeah?

Oh, God. Be careful.

Oh, sh*t.

Vinnie, be careful. Go slow.

[BUS CREAKS]

Vinnie, for heaven's sake.

- I can't look, guys.
- I can't even look.

I feel sick.

Come on. You're grand. You're grand.

Oh, f*ck.

[BUS RUMBLES] [ALL MOAN]

[BUS CREAKS]

f*cking hell. sh*t.

Just give me a minute.
Just give me a minute.

- What? Why?
- Come back up.

Where's that f*cking joint?

- Don't you dare.
- Don't you f*cking dare!

I just... Shut up.
f*cking getting a spliff.

- What are you doing?!
- f*cking hell.

I f*cking need to think. Don't I?
Just... Just do me a solid.

Move as far back as you can.

- What now, move back?
- I know there's no room.

Just squidge.
Let's move back a little bit.

- Lean back! Lean back!
- Just a little bit, yeah?

Are you OK?

OTHERS: Yeah.

Alright, where's me f*cking lighter?
f*cking hell.

Oh, f*cking sh*t!

[ALL SCREAM]

sh*t!

♪ What a way to end it all

♪ What a way to end it all

♪ What a way to end it all

♪ Goodbye, cruel world

♪ And cheerio

♪ Through all this time

♪ I've got to go

♪ What a way to end it all... ♪