02x11 - Impractical Jokes/Cold Feet

[bunniefuu]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Who's that girl? What's her name?
Is she cool? Is she lame?

Oh, you're talking about what's her name

-Pepper Ann
-Pepper Ann

Is she lame? Is she cool?
Is she breaking every rule?

-[ALARM RINGING]
-Is she anybody's fool?

-Pepper Ann
-Pepper Ann

Pepper Ann, Pepper Ann
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million!

Pepper Ann, Pepper Ann
Much too cool for seventh grade

Catch her if you can! Pepper Ann

-BOY: Who?
-GIRL 1: Is that that girl from gym class?

-MOOSE: No, that's me.
-GIRL 1: Oh.

GIRL 2: Who is she
and why does she have her own song?

PEPPER ANN: Did someone take my lunch?

Pepper Ann, Pepper Ann
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million!

Pepper Ann, Pepper Ann
Much too cool for seventh grade

No one's cooler than Pepper Ann

She's her own biggest fan
Pepper Ann...

-Cool! A mood ring!
-...catch her if you can, Pepper Ann

[THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES]

MALE TV HOST: And now,
it's time for Lafftown USA!

Where the zip code is a number
of chuckles, and the population is you!

Now, last week we strapped
a cowboy hat on this kitty

and we put him in a restaurant! [CHUCKLES]

I think you're gonna like this.
Let's watch!

Can I take your or... Hey!
This cat's got a hat on its head! [LAUGHS]

-[CHUCKLES] Way hilarious!
-Lowbrow, yet oddly amusing.

MALE TV HOST: Now, what do we say
to this waitress?

-Lighten up! It's just a joke.
-Lighten up! It's just a joke.

-Oh, what kind of a sick joke is that?
-It's a practical joke, Mom.

A practical joke reminds us
we're human, Ms. Pearson.

-If we cannot laugh, we are doomed.
-I don't think it's very funny.

MALE TV HOST: This woman thinks
her husband is dearly departed.

Little does she know...

Honey, I'm home!

[LAUGHS] Oh, brilliant!
Hey, now that's funny!

[CHUCKLES, CLEARS THROAT]

See? Everyone loves a good practical joke.

It's true. A well-timed, funny joke
is a thing of beauty.

-[ALARM BUZZES]
-[GASPS] Oh, I'm late for rehearsal!

You said it, Nicky. As long as it's funny.

Yep. As long as it's funny.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

-[HUMMING]
-Hi, Stewart.

-[FARTS]
-[ALL LAUGH]

-Thank you, thank you.
-Must you be so, Jerry Lewis?

[LAUGHS] Oh! Lighten up, Nicky!
It's just a joke.

MR. FINKY: What's up, homies?

Today we're going to look
at the baddest place on earth,

the Dakota Bad-lands.

[STUDENTS LAUGHING, WHISTLING]

Hardly hilarious.

[CHUCKLES] Lighten up, Milo!
It's just a joke.

-[LAUGHS]
-CRAIG: Hey, Pearson.

What up with the license plate?

"Craig is super fine and super mine."

[LAUGHING]

-Looks like the score is even, PA.
-Absolutamente.

Oh, no. This contest has just begun.

Whoo!

Introducing the first annual
Practical Joke-Off!

-[BELL RINGING]
-Round One. Drei... zwei... ein!

Uh, Dieter?
Please take your bad self to detention.

-[MILO GRUNTS]
-[LAUGHING]

-Milo, you're such a nut! [LAUGHS]
-[LAUGHING CONTINUES]

[SCREAMS] My books!
They're... out of alphabetical order.

-Uh. T-C-B-D-K-R-T...
-[GRUNTS]

It's... it's clean.

-Lighten up, Pepper Ann! It's just a joke.
-It is?

-Gotcha! [LAUGHS]
-[STUDENTS LAUGHING]

[WHISPERS] Round Two. Drei, zwei,

-ein...
-[BLOWS WHISTLE]

I didn't ask for the whistle!

Hmm. Peanut butter and... rubber?

[LAUGHING]

Mm-hmm. Grilled ahi and... vinyl?

[LAUGHING]

Looks good to me.

Mm, good ol' baloney and... swiss?

-I usually have cheddar.
-[LAUGHS] Gotcha!

-[SCREAMS]
-[LAUGHING]

[WHISPERS] Round Three.
Drei, zwei, ein...

Go!

I don't need you anymore!

What is this?

You sent a notice to my parents
because I got an A minus on a test?

Just because I am smarter
than any other student

in this parade of mediocrity
you call a school,

doesn't mean I should be judged
by different standards!

-I... Do you hear an echo?
-[SOBS]

-[CHUCKLES]
-[MIC STATIC]

There! I'm finally finished!
I think it's my best work yet.

This will go down as... [GASPS] Wha...

Wha... [GASPS, GROANS]

Wow. It's still nighttime.
My internal clock must be off.

What? 10:15? But it's still...
[GASPS, SCREAMS]

Here. I had to stay up all night,
but I finished the assignment.

-Uh, what assignment?
-The in-depth study of the tsetse fly.

I got your message last night
on my answering machine.

-What message?
-[SNICKERS] Gotcha, homie!

Peppie, we need to talk.
I'm coming in! [GASPS]

[DEMONIC GROANING]

Pepper Ann! Stop that this instant!
Now enough is enough!

[SIGHS] Geez, Mom, you gotta lighten up.

Come in, kids.

Hey, guys. What's up?

-We're not here for chitchat, Pepper Ann.
-We think you have a problem, P.A.

You're losing control
with these practical jokes.

Wait a minute!

I thought we agreed that practical jokes
were great as long as they're funny.

But you don't know when to stop.
It isn't funny anymore.

I'm scared for you, Peppie.

I'm afraid you might become...
[SOBS] ...a hack comic!

A hack comic?

So, you like the pretty flower, huh?
Looky, looky, looky. [LAUGHS]

Tip the waitresses,
they work hard for ya. [CHUCKLES]

-I don't want to be a hack comic!
-DIETER: Then you must sign this.

A practical joking ceasefire.
The madness must stop!

-I can't afford another detention slip.
-Yes, yes, yes.

No, no, no!
You're not going to become a hack comic

and you shouldn't stop
your practical jokes.

They're hilarious.
You're the Master Jokester.


My guest tonight is world-renowned
practical joker, Pepper Ann Pearson.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

-[CHUCKLES] Brilliant!
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And for lifting the human spirit,
the Nobel Prize in funniness goes to...

-Pepper Ann Pearson!
-[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

-MALE VOICE: Brilliant!
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING]

She's taking this better than I thought.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, yeah. You guys are right.
I need to sign that paper.

-Enough with the practical jokes.
-NICKY: Wonderful.

I look forward to seeing a fully-recovered
Pepper Ann at tomorrow's recital.

Absolutely!
It's going to be a night to remember.

[INSECTS CHIRPING]

[SCREAMS]

[GRUNTS]

-[SHRIEKS]
-[SCREAMS]

-[CROWD CLAMOR, SCREAM]
-[LOUD THUD]

-Lighten up! It's just a joke!
-[SQUEAKS]

-Violin. Large rodent. Please!
-Why isn't anyone laughing?

She named Pepper Ann
hath wrought this misery.

-Shame on Pepper Ann!
-Shame on Pepper Ann!

-Shame on me? It's just a joke.
-Violin. Large rodent. Please.

-Hey, Milo! Wasn't that so funny?
-Thanks, but it's not my birthday.

Winter must be cold for those
with no warm memories.

-MALE VOICE: Get outta here! Get out!
-[CROWD BOOING]

It's just a joke!

In the morning they'll see
how funny it was. I know they will.

[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

-Nicky! Nick... Hey, what's going on?
-I'm leaving, Pepper Ann.

I can't go on playing
in Hazelnut after last night.

After you made a practical joke out of me.

-What? Where are you going?
-Memphis. I have an aunt there.

I'm going to stay with her
and refocus on my craft.

-Milo, we've gotta stop her.
-Oh, no thanks, P.A., I already ate.

I don't blame you, Pepper Ann.

You wanted to humiliate me in front of all
Hazelnut last night and you succeeded.

I'm actually looking forward to Memphis.

I've wanted to explore rockabilly
for a while now.

Guys! There's been a mistake!
I made a mistake.

Nicky, I didn't mean to ruin your recital.

And Milo, I didn't mean to send you
crashing into that piano. I...

I'd like to, P.A., but I already told
Nicky I'd see her off at the bus station.

-Later.
-But, I'm sorry!

I'm sorry! [WHIMPERS]
No more practical jokes!

-Lighten up! It's just a joke!
-Lighten up! It's just a joke!

What? This is all a practical joke?

I'm afraid you needed a taste
of your own medicine, Peppie.

-But, it wasn't funny.
-Exactly.

-Sorry for the practical joke.
-No hard feelings. Right, P.A.?

No hard feelings.
It's good to have you guys back. Here.

-What's this for?
-Believe me, if I could undo it, I would.

If someone named Nigel calls,
don't answer.

Oh! And if a cat dressed as a mailman
shows up, don't sign for anything.

And if...

[DOG BARKING]

PEPPER ANN: I don't see why
my grandparents' 50th anniversary

is such a big whoop.

Last night,
Milo beat my high score on Crunch Pod.

I could be out regaining the title,
but instead, I'm stuck here.

What's the point of Grandma and Grandpa
renewing their vows?

They were already married once.

That'd be like me retaking
yesterday's math test just for kicks.

They've been married 50 years
and they've never even left Hazelnut!

You wouldn't catch me anywhere
near Hazelnut 50 years from now.

I'm gonna be colonizing the moon by then.

-[INDISTINCT CHATTER ON PHONE]
-LYDIA: Pepper Ann!

I am putting every iota of patience
and energy I have

into making this day perfect.

One hair in one deviled egg
and we'll never hear the end of it.

And frankly Peppie,
you're stressing me out!

Nicky, I gotta go. Mom's baking.
You two just need to chill out.

It's not like they're celebrating
anything really important.

-Out!
-Just 50 boring years

in boring old Hazel-nothing.

[SIGHS]

[WEDDING MUSIC PLAYING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Peppie, why don't you go see if Grandma's
tangled in her veil again.

Not now, Mom!

Lisa Leslie just got the basket
and the foul.

Come on girlfriend, bring it home!

Sweet basil, Pepper Ann!

Your grandparents' vow renewal
is going on here! Show some respect!

[GROANS]

PEPPER ANN: Grandma?
Um, is everything okay?

I'm calling off the ceremony.

Now, unhook me
before I asphyxiate all over your carpet.

Grandma, you can't just...

I was sitting here
in this moth-eaten wedding dress,

staring at Flaming Snot poster,
what kind of a name is that anyway?

In my day, we didn't even say snot.
Oh, we said mucus, but only to a doctor.

That's gross, Grandma.

And I realized I haven't done
diddily with my life.

Well, enough is enough. I'm packin' it in
and moving to Boca Raton.

I'm gonna live out my dreams
in sunny Florida.

I'll finally be a singer!
I've still got it, you know.

Camp town ladies sing this song
Doo-dah, doo-dah

Grandma, you're packing my clothes.

Well, I'll trade 'em in for a pretty
spangled cowgirl ensemble

at the Boca thrift store.

Everyone's out there waiting for you.
You can't just bail.

I don't know if I'm bailing, but I know
I'm getting my tuchus outta here.

I've done it before, you know?
At Lupkin Park, over 50 years ago.

-What are you talking about?
-Eh, what do you care?

You kids don't wanna know
about anything that happened

before microwaves and electrical irons.

Grandma, wait. I care.

-Come on, tell me.
-Oh, all right.

But one snore out of you
and I'm hoofing it to Boca.

It was the day I met your grandfather.

Camp town race track five miles long
Oh, da-doo-dah day

That's you? You were so pretty!

Going to run all night
Going to run all day

I'll bet my money on the bobtail nag
Somebody bet on the bay

-[CROWD APPLAUD, CHEER]
-GRANDMA: It was WW2.

We gave those boys a send-off
they would never forget.

-[GASPS]
-[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

That voice of yours makes Judy Garland
sound like a gravel mixer.

I don't believe we've met.

That hottie is flirting with you.

That's no hottie. That's your grandfather.

-[GASPS]
-Private Leo Lilly at your service.

What do you say to a cup of tea?

I'm sorry, Mr. Cup of Tea,
but I'm going to have to drink you.

-[LAUGHS]
-STAGE MANAGER: Lillian, you're on!

Get your star spangled
behind on that stage, huh?

Some hot shot Hollywood guy just showed up
looking for their next big star.

-This is your big shot, Lillian!
-Mm. Send out the understudy, Annie Briar.

Have you been sampling
Clown Appleseed's cider again?

-Annie Briar is a dime a dozen wanna be.
-Perhaps.

But Annie Briar hasn't been asked to join
Private Lilly here for a cup of tea.

You're crazy, Lillian! You hear me? Crazy!

I'm tired of turning over every rock in
every one-horse town looking for a star.

I am signing the next girl who walks
on stage for a ten-year movie contract.

But you were supposed to be
under that rock.

That was supposed to be
your movie contract.

You came this close to having it all,
and you threw it away for a cup of tea?

I didn't throw it away for a cup of tea.
I threw it away for a life.

Besides, a set of pipes like these
gets more than one shot at the big time.

A fancy, shmancy record label
heard me sing

and asked me to be the opening act
for some big rock and roll bands.

I'll meet Buddy Holly at the airport
and fly with him,

Ritchie Valens and the Big Bopper
to Fargo, North Dakota.

I don't know, Lillian.
Something doesn't feel right.

Why don't you wait
until after the baby is born.

Oh, fiddle faddle.
The tour'll be over in plenty of time

to come home and get this bun
out of the oven.

Oh, she's as stubborn as she is pretty.

Here.
I got you something to read on the plane.

[LAUGHS]

-Leo, it's time. The baby's coming.
-Yeah!

[CHEERING]

I guess Baby Lanie just doesn't want me
to go on this tour.

Why are you calling Aunt Janie, "Lanie?"

Well, we were all supposed
to have "L" names...

Lillian, Leo, Lydia, Lanie.

But after I had the baby,
I was so hooted up on epidural

that I wrote the "L" backwards.

We were gonna change it,
but you had to fill out all these papers.

[SIGHS] We got a turtle.
We named it Lanie. Everybody won.

-She was supposed to be Aunt Lanie?
-Everything happens for a reason, Peppie.

Anyway, the turtle went crazy.

We sent him away
to live on a special farm.

So, did you meet up with Ritchie Holly

and the Big Whoever
after their plane landed?

Uh. No.
But I did get my 15 minutes of fame.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING]

You were fabulous, Lillian.
Spunkier than the day we met.

-Well, how much dough did we rake in?
-What's going on?

Well,
there was this preppy retail clothier.

He wanted to buy the Rialto
and turn it into a Khaki Corner.

We were trying to raise money to save it.

If the Rialto closes down,
I'll lose my costuming job.

All I've ever wanted to do
is work in the clothing industry.

Well, you'll find something to do.

Would it k*ll you to get married
and start producing some puppies?

Mother!

A woman's place is no longer limited
to the kitchen and the nursery. We have...

-[KNOCK ON DOOR]
-CHUCK: Hello? I'm from the Blimp Company.

Did someone call
looking to advertise a play?

Listen, bucko!

We are having a private conversation here.
So if you...

-Well, hello!
-Lydia!

I thought you said you'd sooner paint
a sign on the side of a beached whale

-than advertise on a blimp.
-Sit on it, Janie!

So, you work for a blimp company?

-That is just too, too fabu...
-CHUCK: Listen to this...

"Crack the shell of Hazelnut
and you'll find a gem inside.

"Pirates of Penzance,
has more shimmering jewels

"than Annie Briar has failed TV sitcoms."


[CHEERING]

The bedazzled costumes were my idea.
Maybe we can discuss the ad over dinner?

[MEN CHEERING]

-You saved the Rialto?
-That play ran for years.

Until everyone started going to New York
to see that kitty litter musical.

Oh! I can't believe you performed
at the Rialto. Was it the coolest?

What, you don't remember?

-Oh da-doo-dah-day, hey!
-[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

YOUNG SHERRIE:
That was Lillian and Pepper Ann.

The last act
in our "Cuteness Skips A Generation,

Grandmother and Granddaughter Contest,"
broadcast on KNUT Radio.

And now, a word from our sponsor.

Hello, I'm Annie Briar
and I'd like to talk to you

about Insta-Lift, the non-permanent,
non-scarring face lift clip.

I'm not
only the Insta-Lift spokesperson, no.

-I'm also a satisfied customer.
-[AUDIENCE GASPS]

SHERRIE: Annie Briar.

What gutter did they roll her out of?
I've had enough of radio.

I'm applying for that TV anchor gig
this afternoon.

Taking her to Santa's Village
for pictures, eh? How dare you

parade my daughter around like a poodle
in a dress pushing some carriage?

It's degrading! It's objectifying women!

SHERRIE: And the winner is,
Lillian and Pepper Ann!

-[AUDIENCE CHEER]
-That's right! My girl's a winner!

We won? [LAUGHS]
Why didn't anyone tell me about this?

We didn't want it to go to your head.
Besides, you never asked.

-What happened to all that money?
-We put your share in a college fund.

I wanted to invest my half
in jelly sandals,

but I went all soft
and gave it to your mother

for a down payment on her house.

So, the money we won
helped pay for this house?

So, if it weren't for me,
we wouldn't have it?

So, the next time Mom pulls

that "as long as you're living
under my roof" stuff...

Don't push your luck, shmeckle.

I can't believe you've done so much
in only 50 years!

You do deserve a break!

-Wait, where you going?
-Break, schmake! I'm just getting started.

Spending 50 years in Hazelnut
may not be the most glamorous thing,

but I've lived a fulfilling, happy life,

and I didn't have to hawk
any face girdle to do it.

Now, one side, Peppie.
I got a vow renewal to go to.

Wait! Just one more story.

Did Grandpa propose to you
before or after he went to w*r?

Is Lanie still at the crazy turtle farm?

If I go to trade school,
do I still get my college fund?

I thought you'd never ask.

Not so boring in old Hazelnut after all,
is it Pepulah?

-Nice play! Bravo!
-PEPPER ANN: All right, places people!

This is a vow renewal ceremony,
not happy hour at Nutty McGillicuddy's.

[WEDDING MUSIC PLAYING]

-What was the problem?
-Nothing.

You were right,
she just got tangled in her veil.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES]