Cassino in Ischia (2024)

[bunniefuu]

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

And the nominees

for the Best Yell

in an Action Film are...

Vin Spiegel

in Go Forth Gut-wrenched.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

DEEP ROBOTIC VOICE: Ten, nine,

eight, seven, six,

five, four, three...

(YELLS)

(MUSIC FADES)

And Professor Piero Pomponi

for Bad Informations.

(SONAR DINGS)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUFFLED YELLING)

(YELLS)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

And Brick Maxwell

for The Big Bang II:

Light the Fuse.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

(INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING)

(SCREAMS)

(MUSIC FADES)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

And Nic Cassino for Spike Five:

Death Match 3000.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

(BOTH GRUNT)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(MASKED MAN YELLS)

(GRUNTS, YELLS)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

And the award goes to...

(FANFARE MUSIC PLAYING)

My God! Brick Maxwell!

Ooh! Brick Maxwell

for The Big Bang II:

Light the Fuse!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING)

Whoo!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

(MUSIC CONTINUES FAINTLY)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

How about a Slow Screw

Against the Wall?

Can you believe this kid?

Can't even do a pushup

and he's the new face

of action films.

Please.

Estrogen

is the new testosterone.

The demographic is changing

and they want

a new kind of hero.

One who's

a little more vulnerable.

sh*t, it's all done

with computers anyway.

That's what I'm saying, Jack.

Award's for action films.

Not action cartoons.

Hmm.

NIC: The stuff I do is real.

JACK: Yeah.

Fire, explosions, car chases.

This scar. Morocco, 2016.

JACK: Yeah.

You won this award

three years running.

Yeah.

And your next film

is testing through the roof.

You're still young.

Jack, I'm 53.

Fifty is the new 20.

(SCOFFS) Yeah, right.

(JACK CHUCKLES)

Fifty. Still haven't done

my Streetcar Named Desire.

The world needs to see...

(MIMICS MARLON BRANDO)

...the Brando.

I'm gonna swallow a bug.

(JACK CHUCKLES)

Why don't you come by

my office tomorrow, we can talk.

I might have something for you.

A Disney project.

Disney?

JACK: Disney.

NIC: Family films?

Yeah, why not?

Yeah, could show my range.

Exactly.

It's an opportunity for you.

Interesting.

Magilla Gorilla?

What?

It's got heat.

They're talking ensemble cast.

Check this out.

Danny DeVito as Mr. Peebles.

I'm not playing a gorilla, Jack!

That's where I draw the line.

You're not gonna play a gorilla.

Just lend your voice.

(GRUNTS) No!

The old man would turn

in his grave

if he knew his son

was playing an ape.

Nic, it's a payday.

It could be a future franchise.

What's happening

with The Horseman?

Listen, I gotta call you back.

(CELL PHONE BEEPS)

(SIGHS) They're going

with Brick Maxwell.

They wanted someone

a little more...

prepubescent.

What? What does that mean?

Younger, Nic.

They wanted someone younger.

Look, kid, it happens fast

in this business.

One day,

you're on the top of the hill,

the next day you're over it.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

(JACK SIGHS)

It kills me that

you're not getting the parts.

Believe me.

I raised my tent on your pole.

Remember?

Spike? Spike II? Spike III?

(SIGHS) But things change.

Yesterday,

it was underdog action heroes.

Today, it's... teenage zombies.

Hey, here's something

you might like.

No cartoons, Jack. Not now.

No cartoons.

JACK: No. No, no.

A festival in Italy wants to do

a retrospective on your career.

Why don't you take Aurora

and have a nice trip?

I haven't seen her

since the awards.

Uh, a retrospective?

Then go yourself.

The Italians have

always loved your films.

(SCOFFS)

Sure. Like, where? Where is it?

In Naples.

The Giffoni Film Festival.

Hmm.

I could use a bit of love.

I think. (INHALES)

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

Mr. Cassino?

We're ready to go.

Great.

("MOVING ALONG" PLAYING)

(PLANE ENGINE ROARING)

If I could, you know

I would try and tell you

How it all went gone to seed

If I could move

When you sh**t

I'd fire back at you

I'm in an awful way

When I was poor

I was a harder man, I tell you

Worked 47 hours a week

But with holes in my shoes

I didn't have no blues

I'm in an awful place

Now, you're cutting me off

At the knees

And you're cutting me off

At the heart

I caught some trouble

Under my feet

(CROWD CHEERING)

But I gotta be moving along

Whoo!

Whoo!

(CELL PHONE CLICKS)

Whoo!

(CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING)

(YELLS)

(SONG CONTINUES)

Whoo!

(CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING)

Whoo! Whoo!

I gotta be moving on

Moving on

Move!

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

(SONG FADES)

(IN ITALIAN)

Just a moment! Stay!

The director of the film

is in attendance

and will be available

for a Q&A.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Stay! Stay, stay, stay!

Please! Just a moment!

A question?

I have a question.

The American superhero,

Nic Cassino?

Where is the conference?

FABRIZIO: Uh, Lore,

do you remember Fausto?

We taught filmmaking together

at the Centro Sperimentale.

(CHUCKLES)

Ah, yes, of course.

The days of hope and glory.

(CHUCKLES) I told Fabrizio,

any service I can provide

to help his career.

I am, as we say in Naples...

(IN ITALIAN)

Do you sell life insurance?

Ah!

(ALL LAUGH)

It was a joke.

Fabrizio, you know, it's late.

The hydrofoil for Ischia

is leaving in an hour.

And Ombretta?

She's outside trying

to get a signal.

Nello is calling

to meet us at the port.

So, very nice to meet you.

Bye.

Our daughter.

(CHUCKLES)

She's an actress.

(CHUCKLES)

Can we go now?

Yes, we go.

Is it Lello?

Nello.

Nello, Lello.

What's the difference?

(SPEAKS ITALIAN)

"Marry and buy cattle

from your own town

and you won't be let down."

Yes. Of course.

A lot of good it did me. Hmm.

NIC: Jack!

Yep, safe and sound.

(FAINT CHEERING IN BACKGROUND)

Could've warned me

about the Amalfi drive.

You know what I'm like

with heights.

JACK: (OVER PHONE) Hey,

I got some news for you.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Mm-hmm?

The Horseman came through?

JACK: You sittin' down?

Uh... (GRUNTS)

I am now. I'm sitting.

What's the news?

JACK: Not that kind of news.

NIC: Uh-huh?

JACK: Aurora came by.

NIC: Right?

JACK: She's filing for divorce.

Hmm. Interesting.

That's... That's terrific.

Yeah! I love you, too.

(CROWD CHEERING)

My wife's filing for divorce.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, she's off

with Brick... Brick Maxwell.

Noodle arms. Spaghetti arms.

The guy who pretends

he's an action hero.

Really not. I love you, too.

Jack, you need

to get me out of this.

JACK: (OVER PHONE) You wanna use

the food allergy routine?

Yeah. Whatever, yeah.

JACK: I'll try to hold the jet

for you.

Right. Uh, wait.

Uh, Jack. Um...

I need some time. Is there...

any place out here where

I can stay low for a few days?

JACK: Well,

George Clooney's villa

is up for sale.

(SIGHS)

JACK: But it's way up north.

What about Sofia's?

JACK:

Vin Spiegel's staying there.

(INHALES) They're prepping

Sergeant Stone.

Right, well-- God.

Anywhere where no one knows

who I am.

All right.

JACK: Wait a second.

There's an Italian actress

who's got a villa nearby.

Place called Ischia.

Yeah. Ischia.

Sounds great. All right.

(SHIP HORN BLARING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(CHUCKLES) Nello, I introduce

my mother, Lorella.

Nice to meet you.

And my father, Fabrizio.

It's a pleasure

and an honor to meet you.

I've heard so much

of your films.

Have you seen any of them?

NELLO: No.

But I feel as I have.

Ombretta has spoken

of them so often.

Such courage to make

a three-hour film

in this day and age.

Courage?

Interesting point of view.

Listen, Lello.

Nello.

Sorry. Nello.

We are very tired.

Six hours on the train,

three hours at the festival.

Can we just go to the hydrofoil?

Papa. Nello has

a surprise for you.

Yes?

OMBRETTA: Yes.

A private boat and tour.

Wow. Hmm.

("CI PENSIAMO DOMANI" PLAYING)

(SINGING IN ITALIAN)

And as we reach

the end of our tour,

I'd like to show you

the most beautiful jewels

of our exotic island.

(LAUGHS)

I am speaking, of course,

of the many celebrity villas

here in Ischia.

We are in the district of Zaro.

And here,

at one time or another,

famous director

Luchino Visconti,

international actress

Liz Taylor,

and her lover, Richard Burton,

made Ischia

their summer residence.

(SONG CONTINUES)

Sorry, can you close it?

Thank you.

And so, signori,

I now bid you arrivederci.

Auf Wiedersehen.

Au revoir.

Ni hao.

Bye! (LAUGHS)

(SONG CONTINUES)

(SINGING IN ITALIAN)

(SONG FADES)

(SHIP HORN BLARING)

(LORELLA MURMURS)

Uh, excuse me.

Are you looking perhaps

for "Favuzzo?"

Oh, si! (LAUGHS) Favuzzo!

(SMOOCHES, LAUGHS)

(CHUCKLES)

I am Angioletto.

Di Meglio. I am the father of--

Ah, Lello. Of course.

Nello.

Oh. Nello, Lello.

What's the difference, huh?

(SMOOCHES)

You're right.

(CHUCKLES)

Thank you. (CHUCKLES)

But... But--

Where are the two fidanzatini?

The... the young lovers.

Nello went to check

for our hotel.

We are very tired.

Yeah.

Oh! You are our guests.

Filomena has already prepared

your room,

and she has been cooking

for three days.

Ah, but we have just met.

We really can't impose.

No, no, no--

We can't impose, we--

With the engagement

of our children,

we are practically family.

(CHUCKLES) And besides

we have plenty of room.

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, come on! Come on! (LAUGHS)

Plenty of room...

(ENGINE REVVING)

Plenty of room!

Lello!

NELLO: It's Nello.

Nello. Nello.

How many kilometers?

Just ten!

Just ten?

NELLO: Yes.

Ah, we are lucky.

LORELLA: (LAUGHS) Yes.

Yes.

Very lucky.

Very lucky.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

SABRINA: (IN ITALIAN)

Nicola. Grazie mille.

Thanks for the hospitality.

Ah, you speak Italian!

Well, kinda. Not really.

Well, my dad taught me

and my brother,

but I stopped using it

when he died.

Ah! Your brother is died?

No. Uh, we just haven't spoken

in English or Italian

in a long time. (CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHS) I'm sorry.

My English not so fine.

Well, my Italian's not so fine.

Ah. I think.

(IN ITALIAN)

NIC: Great.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

This is the gym.

Ah.

(CHUCKLES)

(IN ITALIAN)

here are the keys.

(SIGHS) Accomodati.

Uh, make yourself at home.

Hmm.

(IN ITALIAN)

Uh...

Hmm?

if she wants to have dinner

with me tonight.

(IN ITALIAN)

Ah! (INHALES)

(IN ITALIAN)

Mr. Nic, she is going to Rome.

For the Sergeant Stone movie.

Ah. Well,

give my regards to Vin.

(IN ITALIAN)

(SPEAKS ITALIAN)

For anything, call me.

Mm-hmm.

Chiamami. The keys.

(IN ITALIAN)

NIC: Bye.

SABRINA: Bye. Ciao.

NIC: Jack, it's great.

You nailed it.

It's got a gym and everything.

And the view... Mediterranean.

Stunning. Beautiful.

Jack, I've been thinking.

It's time for me

to get back to basics,

like when I wrote Spike

in three days

in that sweatbox.

Reclaim the throne, so to speak.

(SIGHS)

Uh, Jack.

It's time for me

to get back to work.

(IN ITALIAN)

(LAUGHS)

I am allergic to liver.

No. No liver.

No liver. You can eat.

FABRIZIO: Uh-huh.

LORELLA: No liver.

Ah, do you like it? (EXCLAIMS)

(IN ITALIAN)

are the best part. (LAUGHS)

(ALL LAUGH)

(KICKS TABLE)

(CHUCKLES)

You see... you see,

I am convinced that here

I will receive an inspiration.

An inspiration.

Ah.

For me, coming to Ischia

is like a pilgrimage.

And La Colombaia,

the villa of Visconti,

is the holy land for...

(IN ITALIAN)

(FORK CLATTERS)

Oh!

Perhaps our son will someday

become a famous director

like you.

(CHUCKLES)

LORELLA: Like him!

(CHUCKLES, IN ITALIAN)

(ALL LAUGH)

(SMOOCHES)

Just kidding! Just kidding!

Ah, ah.

Cheers, cheers, cheers!

ALL: Cheers! Cheers!

(ANGIOLETTO CHUCKLES)

Thank you.

(NIC PANTS)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

NIC: (GROANS) Maurizio.

Marco.

MARCO: Mr. Nic?

(NIC PANTS)

MARCO: Huh? Mr. Nic?

Breathe, breathe.

Breathe slowly.

Breathe.

Breathe. Breathe.

(GENTLE ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYING)

(YAWNS)

(WHISPERS) Fabrizio...

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

GUARD: Ladies and gentlemen,

La Colombaia is now closing.

Please, this way.

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

(GATE LOCK CLICKING)

(WIND WHOOSHES)

Could this be...

Visconti's writing room?

(CLEARS THROAT)

GUARD: (OVER PA)

La Colombaia is now closing.

Please proceed to the exit.

(MUSIC FADES)

(WIND BLOWING)

LORELLA: Eh...

OMBRETTA: Papa?

Papa?

Ah. Papa?

ANGIOLETTO: Oh, no.

(IN ITALIAN)

LORELLA: Fabrizio!

(KNOCKING ON GATE)

ANGIOLETTO:

(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(GRUNTS)

(CELL PHONE BEEPING)

Hello!

Help! Please!

Fabrizio!

Papa?

(FABRIZIO WHIMPERS)

Help. (WHIMPERS) Help!

(WHIMPERS)

(PIPE CREAKING)

(FABRIZIO YELPS)

(WHIMPERS)

(YELPS)

(YELPS, GROANS)

Help! Help!

Help! (SCREAMS)

(MUSIC CONCLUDES)

(GROANS)

(GROANS)

(IN ITALIAN)

(GRUNTS, GROANS)

(GRUNTS, PANTS)

(SOFT CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(GASPS SOFTLY)

(GASPS)

(BREATHES SHAKILY)

long lost masterpiece...

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

(KEYS JINGLING)

(BIRD WINGS FLAPPING)

Oh! (GASPS)

(BREATHES RAPIDLY)

(LAUGHS)

(IN ITALIAN)

(EXHALES)

(MUSIC FADES)

on the set of The Horseman,

the latest apocalyptic

action film...

(CHUCKLES, SIGHS)

...currently filming

in New York,

starring rising action

movie star Brick Maxwell.

(BRICK MAXWELL SCREAMING)

And speaking of Armageddon,

NASA's just reported

that the path

of the massive asteroid

set to miss Earth

by 100,000 miles

has been recalculated.

Make that 200,000--

(SMACKS LIPS) Stupid.

(LORELLA SNORES)

(LAUGHS QUIETLY)

(LORELLA SNORES SOFTLY)

(WHISPERS) Luchino!

(KISSES, CHUCKLES)

(SNORES)

(PLAYFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

(LORELLA SNORES)

FABRIZIO: "Book number one."

But... where is book two?

LORELLA: Huh?

Book two.

(SNORTS)

(BRAKES SQUEAK)

FABRIZIO: Excuse me! Excuse me!

(METAL GATE CREAKING)

But... why is closed?

GUARD: Huh?

Inagibile. Condemned.

(KEYS JANGLING)

"Condemned due

to a recent collapse."

But... but I must enter.

I left something inside,

very important.

GUARD: If you wish,

I can search.

What did it look like?

A last glimmer of hope.

(MUSIC FADES)

(PANTS)

(GRUNTS)

ANGIOLETTO: Is there anything

I can help you find?

The highest precipice

on the island.

Okay.

Come on.

(ENGINE STARTS)

(MELANCHOLIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(ENGINE REVVING)

You may find what

you are looking for here.

If not,

there is a nice cliff

over there.

(CHUCKLES)

(MUSIC FADES)

Hello.

It's me.

Fabrizio Favuzzo.

You remember? Uh, Obtusion?

(IN ITALIAN)

(CHUCKLES)

(SPEAKS ITALIAN)

My films are totally

forgettable, as am I.

(SIGHS)

But to be shown the heavens

only to be dashed to the rocks

is crueler than any failure

I could direct.

There must be a design for me.

Some grand storyboard.

If there is a way for me

to make this film,

please, please give me a sign.

(ORCHESTRAL RINGTONE PLAYING)

(GASPS)

(IN ITALIAN)

Mm-hmm?

(SPLUTTERS)

we have a reservation

at Il Bracconiere.

ANGIOLETTO: (IN ITALIAN)

I have to drop you off,

then I am...

(IN ITALIAN)

(PANTS)

Ah!

Come on.

(MELANCHOLIC MUSIC PLAYING)

ANGIOLETTO: Fabrizio.

Fabrizio, where are you going?

You said it was this way

to the cliff?

(GRUNTS)

(IN ITALIAN)

(ECHOING)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(JET ENGINE ROARING)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC BUILDS)

(HELICOPTER WHIRRING OVERHEAD)

(BOMBS WHISTLING, BOOMING)

(RAPID g*nf*re)

(g*nf*re CONTINUES)

(MUSIC FADES)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

it's a sign.

La Madonna has shown me

a miracle.

Nic Cassino will do my film.

But what Nic Cassino?

That was a sosia.

A body double.

Ischia is famous for them.

Did you see how he spoke

to you in Italian?

No, no. No, no, it was him.

I'm sure of it.

It's my destiny.

Everything in my life

has brought me to Ischia.

To find the manuscript.

To cross paths

with the great Nic Cassino.

We must find him. Will you help?

To find another cliff?

(IN ITALIAN)

(KISSES)

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

ANGIOLETTO:

Nic Cassino on the island?

Of course. He's playing

at Cinema delle Vittorie

in Forio for another week

before they close

for the summer.

No.

Not in the cinema.

On the island.

Angioletto,

I saw Sylvester Stallone

at Ischia Ponte.

MAN 1: Sylvester Stallone?

(IN ITALIAN)

(CHATTERING IN ITALIAN)

TITINA:

MAN 2:

(MAN 3 SPEAKS ITALIAN)

An ice cream. Strawberry.

Hi, Titina.

Titi. What do know

about any celebrities on Ischia?

Oh, besides the fact that

they are ruining the island?

But... but have you seen

anyone lately?

Mm.

There is an American

staying in Zaro.

At Sabrina Fiorucci's villa.

ANGIOLETTO: Hmm.

And do you know who it is?

(IN ITALIAN)

(PATRONS APPLAUD)

MAN: (IN ITALIAN)

(CHUCKLES)

TITINA: Bye!

(WHISPERS) Fabrizio.

(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Fabrizio.

FABRIZIO: Who is it?

Angioletto. Come outside.

Oh. Come on.

(FABRIZIO SIGHS)

Come on, come on.

(FABRIZIO YAWNS)

He is at Zaro.

Sabrina Fiorucci's villa.

Who?

Nic Cassino.

Nic Cassino? Let's go!

(YELPS, GROANS)

Fabrizio, Fabrizio.

Are you all right?

Yes, yes.

Okay, listen to me.

There is a problem.

The villa is blindato.

Locked down.

There are walls

and security cameras.

There is no way to get in.

We need a plan.

Yeah.

We need actors. Props.

(YAWNS)

Wardrobe.

(IN ITALIAN)

You need an assistant director.

Lello!

Nello.

(SNAPS FINGERS)

(MUSIC FADES)

Mr. Nic,

there is a phone call for you.

Who is it?

Someone named Fabrizio Favuzzo.

He said he is a director.

Who the hell

is Fabrizio Favuzzo?

Who the hell

is Fabrizio Favuzzo?

He said to look out the window.

What?

He said to look out the window.

(SIGHS)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

NIC: What is this?

An episode of Gilligan's Island?

Mr. Cassino!

NIC: So, uh, Maestro--

I mean, Mastro Favuzzo.

I gotta say, I'm not much

of a fan of European cinema.

I find the, uh,

But what can I do for you?

(CHUCKLES)

It's not what you can do for me.

It's what I can do for you.

Interesting.

(SNAPS FINGERS)

I have here

an original script

by Luchino Visconti.

An unedited opera

and neorealistic masterpiece

based on Proust's novel,

la recherche du temps perdu.

The Search for Lost Time.

An unfinished work

and culmination

of his artistic vision

that has never seen

the light of day.

And?

And I want you to star in it.

Hmm.

Visconti?

Yes. Yes.

Maybe you have heard of him?

Um...

Death in Venice?

Can't say that I have.

The Leopard? Il Gattopardo.

Uh, Leopard. Sounds familiar.

Bellissima? Uh, Ossessione?

Senso!

Yeah. Sex films.

Uh, Lello? Hmm. Uh...

Um...

Rocco e i suoi fratelli.

Rocky and His Brothers.

It's a boxing film.

Ah! Boxing! Boxing film.

Now we're getting somewhere.

(CHUCKLES)

But have you seen it?

No.

Listen, Favuzzo.

I'm booked solid

for the next ten years

doing blockbusters,

and I'm writing my own film.

But anyway, listen.

I'll give you my agent's number.

No, no.

(SCRIBBLING ON PAPER)

And... yeah. Just call me.

Right.

At some point.

Okay, uh, but... but--

Oh, uh, Favuzzo.

Yeah?

Pleasure meeting you.

America!

American.

Uh, good luck with your film.

Thank you very much.

NIC: My pleasure.

Hmm. Art films.

No. No. Not happening.

FABRIZIO: He doesn't know

Luchino Visconti.

NELLO: Incredible.

NIC: Maurizio.

See if you can find me

a copy of that Rocco movie.

(BOAT ENGINE REVVING)

(SIGHS)

You haven't written a page

in four and a half days.

You wrote Spike

in half that time.

(SIGHS)

Maurizio.

I need a break.

Is there a town around here?

Yes, Mr. Nic.

All right. Let's...

let's get out of here.

Ah. Where's the limo?

No limousines in Ischia,

but we have a minivan instead.

Mm-hmm?

Looks more like a skinny van.

Interesting.

("UN POSTO MIGLIORE" PLAYING)

(VAN DOOR SLIDES OPEN)

(NIC GROANS)

(SINGING IN ITALIAN)

(ENGINE STARTS)

(VAN DOOR CLOSES)

(EXHALES)

NIC: (READING HESITANTLY)

"Torno s..."

sebati."

"Next Saturday."

"Torno subito."

Subito not sabato.

It means "right away."

Hmm.

TITINA: You don't eat lunch

in America?

Uh, well, I usually start

with breakfast

and a piece of fruit.

Uh...

How'd... how'd you know

I was American?

(SCOFFS) Only Americans

wear boots in summer.

NIC: Hmm.

Interesting.

You don't know who I am.

I... I really don't care.

Unless you're a tourist.

Well, I played a tourist.

Uh, in a film.

TITINA: Hmm?

It was a character

who spoiled a plot

to blow up Saint Peter's...

Uh, Nic Cassino.

Uh, you might recognize me

from film and TV.

Thanks.

Hmm.

Oh, yes. I've seen your posters.

But not the movies.

They are too fantastic for me.

I guess they are.

Yeah, like a video game

or a cartoon.

Not at all important.

What do you mean, uh, important?

Just curious.

I mean that important

is like Visconti.

Like Rocco and His Brothers.

About two brothers

who fight over a woman.

Do you know Visconti?

Yeah. Visconti.

He did that, uh, boxing film.

With Rocky.

Yeah. I guess so.

WOMAN: (IN ITALIAN)

WOMAN: (CHUCKLES)

ACTOR 1:

(GROANS)

ACTOR 2:

ACTOR 1:

(GROANS)

ACTOR 2:

(ACTOR 1 GRUNTS)

(SOBS)

ACTOR 2:

ACTOR 1:

NIC: (SOBBING) Oh, Carla...

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS)

(SIGHS, GROANS)

(GROANS)

(SOBS) Sorry, Luigi. (SOBBING)

(VIDEO GAME BEEPING)

(NIC SOBBING)

Thank you.

Thank you. Very nice. Thank you.

(IN ITALIAN)

(CHUCKLES)

(ORCHESTRAL RINGTONE PLAYING)

(SIGHS)

Favuzzo speaking.

(CHURCH BELLS TOLLING)

(SPLUTTERS) I have to... I...

What?

(BABBLES, SPLUTTERS)

(SPLUTTERS)

Who is it?

(FABRIZIO GROANS)

LORELLA: Who is it?

Yeah?

LORELLA: Are you okay?

NELLO: Who is it?

Are you okay?

It's Nic Cassino!

(GASPS)

He wants to do your film!

(ALL EXCLAIM)

Exactly!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALL LAUGH, CHEER)

Yeah, yeah. Sure!

This is fantastic!

(BOTH EXCLAIM, LAUGH)

(ALL CHATTERING HAPPILY)

Don't... don't drink.

Don't drink too much!

Hey. Come on.

(GRUNTS)

(ALL LAUGH)

Lello! (YELLS, LAUGHS)

Sorry. Sorry again. Sorry.

(PANTS)

(BICYCLE BELL DINGS)

Taxi!

(ENGINE REVVING)

(BUZZES)

(FABRIZIO CLAPS)

(LOCK CLICKING)

DINO: Cut!

(IN ITALIAN)

(GROANS)

(EXCLAIMS) Are you all right?

Yeah, come on. (SPEAKS ITALIAN)

And so, my friend.

What brings you to Roma?

Uh, I have a script.

DINO: Mm-hmm?

I have Nic Cassino.

I need a producer.

Yeah. And I have

the Johnny Depp, you know?

In the film I'm making

in the back room.

Wait. Johnny!

(DISTANT SIRENS WAILING)

(IN ITALIAN)

Nice work in there.

(IN ITALIAN)

DINO:

(CHUCKLES)

when you told me

you were doing art films...

DINO: No.

...I thought--

No, no. Stop. Stop.

Fabrizio, no. Not art films.

Hard films. Okay?

My friend, who goes

to see art films? Come on.

Uh, and then again,

what is an art film

if not a kind of soft hard film,

huh? (CHUCKLES)

But what happened

to the ambitious producer

and director?

Hmm.

We're going to revive

the glory days

of Italian cinema.

Do you remember our first film?

Cannes!

The Directors' Fortnight.

What happened to those dreams?

Venice? The Gold Lion?

Yeah. But Fabrizio,

now...

now we are old lions. Hmm?

I'm sorry, my friend.

I'm really sorry.

You can say no to me.

(CELL PHONE KEYS CLICKING)

But let me see you

say no to him.

(YELLS DRAMATICALLY)

NELLO: Thank you!

Thank you! Great!

My pleasure.

Come on. After you.

FABRIZIO: Yes.

(IN ITALIAN)

body double I've ever seen.

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah! Si!

Si! Si!

(LAUGHS)

Yeah! (CHUCKLES) Great!

NIC: Morning.

Hi.

If you wish,

you can also remove your hat.

NIC: Hmm?

The word in Ischia is you are

no more than a lookalike.

Huh.

TITINA: Mm-hmm.

Gotta be careful of the sun.

(SCOFFS) Are you worried

about more wrinkles?

Ah. Good one. I like that.

(CHUCKLES)

Fact is, a suntan is the kiss

of death for an actor.

Especially when he's filming.

Messes with continuity.

So, you are making a film

on Ischia?

Yeah, uh, a script by Visconti.

Heard of him?

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Huh?

NIC: Uh...

Yeah, uh, anyway, my process,

it's... it's complicated.

I like to familiarize myself

with the environment.

Get to know the people,

uh, and the settings.

Uh, I didn't want to say,

but I'm a method actor.

Method actor?

Mm-hmm.

If you want a tour,

I recommend...

(IN ITALIAN)

How do I get to see the island?

Come with me.

Great! Let's do it!

(UPBEAT FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING)

(SEAGULLS SQUAWKING)

TITINA: Ischia was born

from the sea

by a volcano sh**ting

all the way

to the highest point.

Mount Epomeo, nearly 800 meters.

Hmm.

Not gonna get me up there. Nope.

The island is also divided

into six communes,

each with its own mayor,

which is probably

why nothing ever gets done. Hmm.

Ischia was once...

(IN ITALIAN)

Para...

Paradiso. Paradiso.

TITINA: Paradiso.

it's still paradise.

Thanks.

Have you ever gone scuba diving?

Scuba diving? Yeah, in a film.

In a pool with lifeguards.

TITINA: Hmm?

If you really want

to see Ischia,

the best place is underwater.

Underwater?

Do you want?

Yeah.

Yeah?

NIC: Yeah.

Come on.

(ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(WATER RUSHING)

(MUSIC FADES)

(PANTS)

Hey, how are you?

Sorry about that.

Sometimes I suffer

from claustrophobia.

And, uh...

acrophobia, and thalassophobia.

Uh, what is thalassophobia?

It's, uh, fear of the sea.

Oh, I'm so sorry!

Why didn't you tell me?

(SIGHS) I... I forgot.

What's up with the bubbles?

Oh, carbon dioxide.

Uh, Ischia is a volcanic island

and the entire Bay of Naples

is a sleeping super-volcano.

Um, when the bubbles rise,

there is activity somewhere.

Super-volcano?

Yeah.

Hmm.

(SOFTLY) Ah.

NIC: Fade in.

Exterior, outer space.

Smash cut to...

(CHUCKLES)

...a fiery asteroid is racing

towards Earth

on a collision course

with a super-volcano.

Hmm. Interesting.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(IN ITALIAN)

(IN ITALIAN)

the last one. Great.

NELLO: Okay.

Come with me. Come with me.

All right.

Uh, listen, Nic.

We have informed the authorities

that we are using a sosia.

Body double.

No one knows that you are you.

Only Fabrizio and I...

and you know that you are you.

Right. Mm-hmm.

And I am Nello.

Assistant director.

Nello, Nello.

I was expecting a larger crew.

Where is everyone?

No, no, no. Maestro Favuzzo

prefers a small troupe

so as to adhere

to the minimalistic principles

of the Dogma school, you know?

Established by Lars von Trier.

Uh-huh.

Speaking of the, uh, maestro.

Yeah, Maestro Favuzzo. Um...

Fabrizio?

Papa?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

FABRIZIO: Please!

(RATTLING, KNOCKING ON DOOR)

FABRIZIO: Please help me!

(BANGING ON DOOR)

(HANDLE RATTLES)

FABRIZIO: Anybody?

(BANGING ON DOOR)

FABRIZIO: I'm locked in!

(BANGING ON DOOR)

FABRIZIO: Please! Help me!

Many of you have asked me,

"What is the film

we are making?"

I will now tell you!

My film is a loose adaptation

of Marcel Proust's masterpiece,

The Search for Lost Time.

la recherche du temps perdu

as envisioned by...

Luchino Visconti.

It is a story of captives

and fugitives.

Of Sodom and Gomorrah.

Of past, present, and future!

Of love...

and perversion.

For the role of Albertina,

the love interest,

we have my lovely

and talented daughter, Ombretta.

(ALL APPLAUD)

FABRIZIO:

And for the role of Marcello,

we have engaged the services

of the most capable actor

from America who,

if he's not actually

Nic Cassino,

is his long-lost twin.

(ALL APPLAUD)

Whoo!

Nic.

What's with the... the suitcase?

(CHUCKLES) The suitcase.

The suitcase

is the accumulated baggage

of your past,

that which we all carry.

Genius. Love it. Oh, uh...

FABRIZIO: Yes?

The script.

(ALL MURMURING)

There is no script.

Huh?

We improvise!

(BRIGHT MUSIC PLAYING)

Huh?

And action!

(ALL APPLAUDING)

(LAUGHS)

In this scene, Marcello

has decided to return to Balbec,

on the seaside, with Albertina.

Here, grief

at his grandmother's suffering

overwhelms him.

He ponders

the intermittencies of the heart

and the ways of dealing

with sad memories.

And so, without further adieu.

Slate!

(IN ITALIAN)

Wait, wait, wait.

Cut, cut, cut.

Is there dialogue in this scene?

Of course.

So where's the sound mixer?

FABRIZIO: There is none.

We film now.

Later we dub the voices.

As in the European tradition.

Well, that's great,

but for the cameras...

how do we use our mouths?

FABRIZIO: Count.

Count?

Just count.

(IN ITALIAN)

NIC: One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

OMBRETTA: (IN ITALIAN)

(CAMERA WHIRRING)

OMBRETTA: (IN ITALIAN)

(SOBS)

(IN ITALIAN)

(NIC GROANS)

Mamma mia!

(SOBS)

FABRIZIO:

No, no, no!

You are overcounting!

I will not stand

for overcounting on my set.

No divas.

LORELLA: She was fantastic!

(YELLS, SIGHS)

Too much! Again!

Seven was good.

Eight, so and so.

Ten is too much! Please, again!

(SIGHS)

JACK: (OVER PHONE)

A film? Are you nuts?

How come I don't know

anything about a film?

Uh, it's a...

it's an art film, Jack,

by that acclaimed

Italian director.

You know the guy, uh, uh...

Fabrizio Fravuzzo.

He scored the rights to, uh,

Luchino Visconti's

unfinished masterpiece.

The point is, we're gonna finish

the unfinished masterpiece

and turn it into a masterpiece.

Jack, I'm feeling...

I'm feeling rejuvenated, Jack.

JACK: The word is "senile."

Did they even talk money?

I'll get it on the back end.

JACK: Let's hope you don't.

What? Yeah. Uh...

Whatever. Um...

I'm exercising,

I'm eating right.

Uh, I'm not drinking.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Fabrizio.

Is it true? There is no script?

There is and there isn't.

I have Visconti's

sh**ting notes.

But, uh...

But?

Only for half the film.

So how does it end?

Abruptly.

DINO: Abruptly?

Si.

No! How do we finish the film?

Dino.

I will jump off that bridge

when I come to it.

Uh.

NIC: Awesome, yes.

Until then,

we have the great Nic Cassino.

NIC: Jack. Jack.

Just... just relax, all right?

Just take it easy.

I got this, Jack.

I got four words for you,

Nic Cassino is back!

("MACHINE g*n" PLAYING)

(EXHALES)

Mr. Nic!

Mr. Nic!

This scene

is about involuntary memory...

(SOBS LOUDLY)

(NIC AND OMBRETTA SOB)

(SONG CONTINUES)

(GROANS)

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

(YELPS PLAYFULLY)

(CHUCKLES)

FABRIZIO:

This scene is about anxiety

and how it leads

to manipulation.

(LORELLA SQUEALS, SHRIEKS)

Slate and action!

(NIC GRUNTS)

"Story by Nic Cassino.

Untitled action film."

And this scene

is about the nature of art

and how drunkenness

affects perception.

Slate!

And... action!

(SONG CONTINUES)

(PANTS)

(YELLS DRAMATICALLY)

Yes!

I'm back.

I'm back.

The great Nic Cassino.

(GROANS)

(SONG FADES)

Beautiful place.

Oh, yes. (CHUCKLES)

Is it true that you made love

to five women at one time?

Physically impossible. No.

Then it was five women

consecutively?

I'm more of a sprinter

than an endurance guy.

Then it was one woman

for five hours?

I think that was Sting.

Uh--

Where's my guys?

OMBRETTA: I can drive you home.

If you want.

We can go rehearse our scenes

for tomorrow.

The... big screen kiss.

Hmm?

The big screen kiss.

Ah. Yes.

Well, as an actor,

I like to keep things fresh.

Maurizio.

Fire up the skinny van.

Bedtime for Bonzo.

See you tomorrow. Good night.

(CLEARS THROAT)

FABRIZIO: Marcello has been

spending time with Albertina,

whom he now suspects

of lesbianism,

then tells his mother

he must marry Albertina.

Here our protagonists give way

to their sad

and unconsummated love.

(IN ITALIAN)

(CAMERA WHIRRING)

Cut! Works for me.

(WHIRRING STOPS)

DINO: The gate is clean.

NELLO: Okay, moving on.

No. Was not good for me.

I want another take.

But we have to change location.

OMBRETTA: Was no good.

It, um, didn't, um...

feel true. One more take!

(IN ITALIAN)

One more take.

Okay, one more.

NIC: All right.

FABRIZIO: Please. Thank you.

One more. Again!

DINO: Okay.

(NIC SIGHS)

Uh, what about, uh, continuity?

Wasn't...

Doesn't matter. Okay? Okay.

(IN ITALIAN)

(CAMERA WHIRRING)

(CREW MURMURING)

(CREW EXCLAIMING)

NIC: Hey! Relax!

(IN ITALIAN)

(CREW EXCLAIM)

NELLO: Stop! Stop!

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

("DO ME ALL NIGHT" PLAYING)

Relax, relax!

Cut! Cut, Dino! Cut!

(NIC EXCLAIMS)

(CREW YELL)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

LORELLA: Stop it!

NIC: The brakes!

FABRIZIO: The brakes!

(SHRIEKS)

NIC: Whoa!

(ANGIOLETTO YELLING)

No!

Stop!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(ALL SCREAM)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(OMBRETTA SIGHS)

(STRAINS, GRUNTS)

(IN ITALIAN)

(CONTINUES STRAINING)

(PANTS)

(CONTINUES PANTING, STRAINING)

FILOMENA:

(CONTINUES IN ITALIAN)

It's okay. It's okay.

(WHISPERS IN ITALIAN)

(NIC STRAINS)

(FILOMENA EXCLAIMS)

(IN ITALIAN)

(IN ITALIAN)

big fella. Just relax.

(IN ITALIAN)

I said you are nothing more

than an insensitive brute.

A punch-drunk gorilla.

(GROANS)

FILOMENA: Nello! No, no, no!

You shouldn't have

said that to me!

Easy, easy!

Shouldn't have said that to me!

You shouldn't have

called me that!

Easy, calm down! Calm down.

I'm sorry.

(IN ITALIAN)

Do something!

I'm sorry!

(FABRIZIO GASPS)

Easy, easy!

DINO: What have you done?

(PANTS)

(IN ITALIAN)

Are you okay? Are you okay?

NIC: My old man was the reason

I got into acting.

My father. Capisce?

Oh. Father.

Understand. Capisce. Father.

(WAVES LAPPING)

(IN ITALIAN)

WOMAN:

My dad, he was a...

(PHONE BEEPS SOFTLY)

NIC: He was a janitor. Smart.

Cultured.

Really cultured.

He couldn't read

but he'd take us to the movies.

That was his library.

Barely speak English.

He'd say, "No, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no."

"If you can't feel it here,

and it doesn't make you cry

just... just a little...

the words don't matter."

(GROANS) I was nine

when he died.

I didn't cry at the funeral.

That's what my brother told me.

Said I didn't have

a sensitive bone in my body.

That's when I took up fighting.

My brother was smart.

Really smart.

And kids used to beat up on him.

Tease him.

And I used to beat

the livin' crap out of 'em.

We were close.

Nothin'... nothin'

could get in between us.

Not... not love.

Certainly not love.

(GROANS SOFTLY)

(SNIFFLES, SOBS)

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

(NIC SNIFFLING)

(CONTINUES SOBBING)

(TITINA SCOFFS)

TITINA: Zi Isidoro.

(WEEPS, SNIFFLES, BLUBBERS)

(WEEPING CONTINUES)

(CRYING)

Luigi, I'm so sorry!

I didn't... (SOBS)

I didn't mean to do...

(SOBS)

(SNIFFLES, INHALES)

(NIC GROANS)

I sent Zi Isidoro home

to his wife.

Don't worry.

Your secrets are safe.

He doesn't understand

a word of English.

Carmela!

(IN ITALIAN)

(GROANS)

what's your story anyway?

Why aren't you

married or engaged?

Um...

My fianc works

on Costa Caribbean.

He is studying

to become a captain.

Hmm.

TITINA: He has ambitions.

He has plans for his career.

Mm-hmm. But...

but he doesn't have you.

We see each other

when he comes back.

(TITINA GRUNTS)

Here, it's normal.

Mm-hmm?

In Ischia...

NIC: Mm-mm.

My father was at sea

when I was born.

And my mother raised us

to be independent.

But I did miss my father.

Yeah. (INHALES DEEPLY)

Sometimes ships bring

families together,

sometimes they keep them apart.

Hmm. Sounds familiar.

Except my ship's the Titanic

and my wife's the iceberg.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Remember that scene

when the ship

heaves out of the water,

and looks like

a giant skyscraper,

and you got

these tiny little people

that look like ants and they're

falling into the abyss below?

(INHALES SHARPLY)

Talk about a multiphobic ending.

(LAUGHS SOFTLY) For someone

who has saved the world

from certain destruction

so many times,

you... you have many phobias.

Yeah, I do. Lots.

(TITINA CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

But... you wanna know

what my biggest fear is?

It's not...

(INHALES SHARPLY, SIGHS)

...physical danger,

real or imagined.

The scariest thing for me is...

(SIGHS)

...not being taken seriously.

That's why I'm doing this film.

To prove to the world I can act.

That I'm not some

glorified meathead or...

some broken-down stuntman.

You know? (MURMURS)

It's impossible.

Because you are

the great Nic Cassino.

No, seriously.

You are larger than life.

You... you really are big.

Yeah, I guess.

IMDb has me down at...

6'3." I'm actually 6'2."

When I got to Hollywood,

I was shocked.

The actors,

they're kinda small.

Like, kinda like...

Hmm?

Well, I don't wanna say,

but kinda like jockeys.

Jockeys? What?

Yeah. Like a...

like a small person.

Oh.

NIC: But not really.

It is...

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

Sorry.

Sorry.

(SIGHS) Wow.

NIC: Mmm.

I guess all that training

came in handy.

(NIC CHUCKLES)

TITINA: You write by hand?

NIC: Yeah.

Something about writing

with a pencil

and a piece of paper

that makes it more real.

Like a Michelangelo sketch.

So, you are creating

a masterpiece.

I wouldn't say a masterpiece.

(CHUCKLES)

It's more of a...

an apocalyptic disaster film.

End-of-the-world stuff.

Why do Americans like

these kind of movies?

I don't know.

Maybe it gives them

a sense of hope.

Like truth, justice,

the American way.

Who said that?

Superman.

Hollywood's first action hero.

Superman.

Around the world

in a single bound.

(LAUGHS) Yeah.

What's your excuse?

For what?

Not flying around the world

in a single bound?

Why didn't you, um,

sail with your fianc?

Giosy asked me to go with him.

I don't know why I didn't go.

Maybe I was scared.

Or maybe you didn't have

a good enough reason.

Like a motivation.

A motivation?

Yeah.

Every character needs

a motivation

in order to move forward,

to do great things.

Oh, like...

(IN GRUFF VOICE)

...save the world?

Like salute. "Save."

"Save."

BOTH: "Save... save."

(CHUCKLES)

Save the world?

Save the world.

Again and again...

And again.

And again...

And again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

(SEAGULLS SQUAWKING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(GASPS) Luigi! (PANTS)

What's happening? Oh.

Hi. Um...

Um...

I have a tour group

this morning.

Germans. Very punctual.

Ah.

Well, uh...

I know you're busy today,

but you wanna maybe

hang out tomorrow?

Come on set

and see some real acting?

Um...

Maybe.

Maybe.

Maybe. (SIGHS)

(IN ITALIAN)

(SNICKERS)

ANGIOLETTO: Ha!

No?

(CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHS)

-ANGIOLETTO:

-FABRIZIO:

ANGIOLETTO:

(CLAMORING)

(CONTINUE ARGUING)

(NELLO YELLS)

(YELLS)

to finish. No?

Yes, that's right!

And Ombretta?

(IN ITALIAN)

Shut up! We are better.

Women's problems, you know?

(IMITATES MOCKINGLY)

"Women's problems."

(IN ITALIAN)

Nothing in the oven.

We are in the clear.

(IMITATES MOCKINGLY)

"Nothing in the oven!"

(IMITATES)

Nothing in the oven!

(ALL ARGUE IN ITALIAN)

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey, hey! Whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa!

(CAR SIREN WAILING)

Hey, the cops!

Someone's called the cops.

(IN ITALIAN)

The dailies!

ALL: The dailies!

The dailies, yeah.

(SIGHS) The dailies...

(SCATTERED CHUCKLE)

The great Nic Cassino!

(ALL LAUGH, CHEER)

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

Dailies! Nothing happened!

Wanna grab it?

(PROJECTOR WHIRRING)

The dailies!

(LAUGHS) The dailies!

Yeah.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

(NELLO SIGHS)

(SMOOCHES)

(SNIFFLES)

NIC: Hmm.

Mm.

(HUMS) Dailies.

Not bad.

(MURMURS SOFTLY)

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

(ANGIOLETTO SNORES, GRUNTS)

Hmm.

(EXHALES EXCITEDLY)

(CHUCKLES)

(GROANS)

(SOFTLY) Wow.

(GASPS)

(OMBRETTA GROANS SOFTLY)

(WHIMPERS)

(IN ITALIAN)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(CHURCH BELL TOLLING)

Shame on you. (SCOFFS)

Poor Nello.

Poor son of mine.

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

Lorella...

Where is the cliff?

What?

The cliff.

Come on.

It wasn't that bad.

What have you done?

Jack, it's me.

JACK: (OVER PHONE) Nic,

where the hell have you been?

I've been trying

to reach you all day.

I've been on set all day. Jack,

you gotta get me out of here.

Why'd you call?

JACK: You won't believe

what happened.

Brick Maxwell's

in the hospital.

Some kind

of intestinal infection.

He says it's from colonics,

but the word is it has more

to do with a small rodent.

Anyway, kid, the part's yours.

What part?

JACK: The Horseman.

They want you, Nic.

But you gotta get here

right away.

They're filming already.

How soon can you leave?

Nic?

("LIVE YOUR LIFE" PLAYS)

(SHIP HORN BLARING)

To go away

And not look back

Think of what people say

To go ahead

And live your life

No regard to what is said

Hey

To what is said

Oh

Go away and not look back

Think of what people say

Hey

(SONG FADES OUT)

(IN ITALIAN)

I checked with Tonino

at the port.

He rented a boat

early this morning

for the mainland.

He's gone.

Gone?

DINO: (IN ITALIAN)

(VEHICLE APPROACHING)

(CAR DOORS CLOSING)

MAN: Fabrizio Favuzzo?

Depends.

MAN: I am here

on behalf of the SIAE.

Societ Italiana di Artisti

e Editori.

I have an order to confiscate

all film and pirated material.

And the manuscript?

Uh... What manuscript?

Visconti's manuscript.

Ah. (CHUCKLES)

I have no manuscript.

I have no script.

I have no actor.

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

I have no film.

No career.

No life insurance.

(IN ITALIAN)

Fabrizio's been blacklisted.

MAN: For copyright violation

and infringement

of intellectual property rights.

Fabrizio.

(IN ITALIAN)

FILOMENA: Ah!

(OMBRETTA GROANS)

LORELLA: Ombretta!

Come on. Hey, hey!

(OMBRETTA GASPS)

Eat something!

(IN ITALIAN)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(CHATTERING CONTINUES)

(SCOFFS)

back to Hollywood

and abandoned everyone.

What do you mean?

"The great Nic Cassino."

(SARDONIC CHUCKLE)

Nic Cassino was in this film?

(IN ITALIAN)

he was just a sosia,

a body double.

The real Nic Cassino

would never run away.

(ENGINE STARTS)

(ENGINE REVVING)

(EXCLAIMS) Oh! Ombretta.

(SHIP HORN BLARING)

Bye.

Thank you.

Mm.

LORELLA: Bye.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

LORELLA: Bye!

There is just one thing.

It is Lello or Nello?

What difference now?

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

And action!

Cut, cut, cut!

I know it's a lot to ask,

but could you just hit

your mark and snarl?

Okay? We'll think about acting

in post, right?

What's with the suitcase?

What's with the suitcase?

(HESITATES)

Let's just say I found it

amidst the apocalyptic ruins

and I'm returning it

to a needy family.

You're the Fourth Horseman

of the Apocalypse!

You're the Pale Rider,

not the Pony Express!

You bring death and destruction,

not lost luggage! (SIGHS)

That's cold!

Is it too much to ask

for a hot latte for Chrissake?

Damn it!

WOMAN: Nic! Honey!

(EXCITEDLY) The ATM morning show

wants an exclusive interview!

(GASPS, HESITATES)

Are you free tomorrow?

I'll think about it.

Oh.

(COWS MOOING)

(COWS MOOING)

(LOUD FLATULENCE)

(COUGHS)

(FLATULENCE CONTINUES)

(COWS MOOING)

(COUGHS, SHRIEKS)

(FLATULENCE INTENSIFIES)

(FLATULENCE, MOOING CONTINUES)

(PANTS)

(GRUNTS)

(INTENSIFYING RUMBLING)

(HIGH-PITCHED WHISTLING)

(FABRIZIO SCREAMS)

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

(FLATULENCE)

(GASPS, PANTS)

(FLIES BUZZ)

(COWS MOOING)

Papa?

Ombretta, please go outside.

I can't bear for you

to watch me shoveling sh*t.

I just wanted

to tell you that...

I'm not going back to school.

But why?

Let's face it.

I'm not an actress.

What's the point?

Well, there are

many roles in film.

Perhaps you could direct,

like your father, huh?

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

No, eh? What about Lello?

Please. Nello.

You were right, Papa.

(IN ITALIAN)

Nello was too jealous.

Possessive. Hotheaded.

I don't know.

I would be better

with someone like you.

Like me?

OMBRETTA: Yeah, you know.

Lukewarm.

Temperate. Stoic.

Able to deal with failure

and disappointment.

Of course.

I almost forgot.

Nello asked me to give you this.

He says it's rightfully yours.

I love you, Papa.

Me too.

A janitor...

Smart. Cultured.

Really cultured.

Couldn't read, but he'd take

us to the movies.

That was his library.

Barely speak English.

Fabrizio...

You are awake?

I need to speak to you

about something.

Listen... (EXHALES SHARPLY)

If you want to separate,

I understand.

After all, who wants to live

with a failure.

But divorce

is out of the question.

It's not for the money,

but I just wouldn't know

how to tell Ombretta...

(LORELLA IN ITALIAN)

(SPEAKS IN ITALIAN)

What's come over you?

A divorce? A separation?

(IN ITALIAN)

No, I just wanted to say

that for once in my life,

I was very proud of you.

(LAUGHS)

LORELLA: The way you directed

the great Nic Cassino.

I mean, how you persevered

against all good reason,

with buon senso, sound judgment.

And your juvenile faith...

(CHUCKLES)

...and sheer stubborn,

narrow-minded

pigheadedness was--

Stop, stop, stop. (CHUCKLES)

You had me at "pigheaded."

Okay.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

In any event,

I don't think you're a failure.

At least, not yet.

What do you mean, "not yet?"

You are only a failure

if you don't finish

what you start.

But... how can I finish?

I have been banned from working

in Italy ever again.

Blacklisted.

And who says that you have

to finish this film in Italy?

Who says that?

Where did you get this?

I cashed in

your life insurance policy.

(CHUCKLES) But...

I don't have a life insurance.

Really?

Good night.

(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(LORELLA SIGHS PROUDLY)

Good night.

(MUSIC FADES OUT)

NIC: (GROANING) Francesca.

Can you grab me some ice

and a wrap for my knee, please?

FRANCESCA: I gotta run down

the street for some ice.

(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)

What the hell's

in that thing anyway?

(GROANS)

(GRUNTS, HUFFS)

(SIGHS)

(GRUNTS)

("CARNIVAL OF THE ANIMALS:

VII. AQUARIUM" PLAYING)

Hmm.

The accumulated baggage.

It was Favuzzo's all along.

(SCOFFS) Interesting.

FABRIZIO: And action!

NIC: Hey, hey. Pull over.

Pull up here.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC FADES OUT)

Carla.

Sorry.

Nic!

NIC: Hey.

How are you?

Good. How are you?

NIC: It's great to see you.

CARLA: Yeah, you too.

What are you doing? PA?

Yeah, right.

Um, I got a call

from the film commission.

They asked me

to cast us some extras

on an international film

from Italy.

Hmm.

CARLA: Yeah.

Maybe you heard about it.

NIC: Ah, yeah. Mm-hmm.

CARLA: Quite a cast,

don't you think?

Yeah, I do. It's, uh-- Yeah.

I was... I was there

for a film festival.

They asked me

to do a couple of scenes.

I thought, "Hey, why not?"

Just help 'em out.

Hmm. Hmm.

(CARLA CHUCKLES)

Uh, how's Luigi?

Uh... He's good. (CHUCKLES)

NIC: Good, good.

Anyway, I...

I'm not feeling too good.

I'm on painkillers

for my... my knee.

So I gotta split.

Sure.

Anyway, it was...

it was great seeing you.

CARLA: You too.

Yeah.

Really good.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

All right.

CARLA: Take care.

Bye.

(DOORBELL CHIMES)

Please...

(GRUNTS)

Carla?

Hi, Nic.

Come in.

Thank you.

Uh, you want a drink?

Uh, sure.

All right, um, take a seat.

Thank you.

NIC: How's little Cosimo?

CARLA: He's getting big.

He'll be nine in September.

Nine. Whoa.

And Luigi has a show opening.

And he's anxious as usual.

You know Luigi.

Yeah. Well, that's good for him.

Luigi doesn't know I came.

But I told him

about your work in Italy

and he was pretty impressed.

Impressed or embarrassed?

Nic.

Well, he's always...

hated my acting.

You know how Luigi is.

It's kind of tough for him

to admit your success.

I mean, you're his kid brother.

Yeah. I'm his kid brother. Hmm.

Used to call me

Punchy the Gorilla.

Like that stuffed animal

we had as kids.

But we were close.

I had his back.

Until this...

pretty girl comes along

and changes everything.

I lost my brother

and my girl to one left hook.

If there's one punch

I could take back,

it'd be that.

It wouldn't have mattered.

I still would have picked Luigi.

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

CARLA: Nic...

I never thought you

stupid or insensitive.

I just liked Luigi better.

(SCOFFS)

Luigi gave this to little Cosimo

on his third birthday

and kind of outgrown it.

I thought you might like

to have it.

(SNIFFS)

NIC: (SCOFFS)

Punchy the Gorilla.

CARLA: Nic,

take care of yourself, okay?

Yeah. You too.

Bye.

NIC: Bye.

(DOOR SLIDES OPEN)

Get a grip, Cassino.

(ELEVATOR BELL CHIMES)

(NIC SOBBING)

(BOTTLES CLINKING)

(NIC GRUNTS)

(DISTANT DOGS BARKING)

Who's there?

NIC: Luigi.

Nicky?

Is that you?

Yep.

(GASPS SOFTLY)

What are you doing here?

Well, I was...

limpin' around the hood

this morning

and I saw your name up

in lights and...

I just thought--

Well, here's... here's a--

Do you wanna have a beer?

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

NIC: Fifteen years, huh?

Yeah. Just about.

It was 15 years this Carla

and I finally tied the knot.

Yeah.

Sorry about that. I was...

I was in Vietnam

doing a POW film.

One of my better ones.

Yeah, yeah. I understand.

You were busy with your career.

(NIC CLEARS THROAT)

You could have called, though.

Yeah. Well, I didn't get

the invite till late.

The mail in Indochina...

Besides, I'm not the only one

who doesn't reply to mail.

The amount of awards ceremonies

I invited you to.

You never came.

(SCOFFS)

Well, maybe...

a personal invitation?

Instead of sending those stupid

gold-embossed invitations.

(CHUCKLES)

NIC: Yeah, well...

I was-- Well--

I guess I was embarrassed.

LUIGI: A knock on the door,

a personal invitation

from your kid brother.

That's not embarrassing.

Getting beat up

by your kid brother

in front of the woman he loves?

Now, that's embarrassing.

Louie, that was 30 years ago.

You're never gonna forgive me

for that, are you?

I mean, I know

I haven't forgiven myself.

Ah, Nicky.

Look, that wasn't it.

It wasn't?

You don't wanna hear it.

Yeah, I... I do wanna hear it.

(SIGHS)

You wanna hear it?

Yeah, I wanna hear it.

It's 'cause you made it

to the top

and you never even once

threw down a line.

You could have helped me a bit.

You were in a position

to do so, but you didn't.

You turned your back.

You turned your back and ran.

And you been running scared

ever since.

You're right.

I did run.

Been running my whole life.

But I never

turned my back on you.

I always wanted to help you.

Then why didn't you?

Lou... Hollywood, it's...

it's not like film school.

It's not...

it's not like theater.

It's not hugs and kisses.

It's tough.

They don't fight fair.

It's like being a street fighter

without a corner to sit in.

It's... it's every man

for himself.

So you don't think

I could have made it?

NIC: Lou...

you can't possibly

imagine the...

the humiliation, the shame,

the embarrassment that these...

The fear that this town can...

put on you.

They build you up and they take

everything from you.

Your pride, your soul...

(VOICE BREAKS) ...your family.

You got a family.

You got a beautiful family.

What do I got?

I got a... fading career.

A fading face, fading fame.

I mean, I'm a joke.

You got what you wanted.

I'm not so sure about that.

(INHALES SHARPLY)

Well, what is it, Nicky?

Huh? What do you want?

What is this all about, huh?

I don't know. (HESITATES)

I'm... I'm confused.

Things used to be so simple.

Like...

when we went to the movies

with Dad.

(EMOTIONAL MUSIC PLAYING)

NIC: Remember?

I remember sitting

next to him thinkin'...

he wants us up there

on the big screen.

Not in the cheap seats.

(CHUCKLES)

Up there on the big screen,

winning awards.

Oscars, Emmys, Tonys.

(CHUCKLES)

All that stuff.

The movies.

Yeah.

That's when we were family.

That's when we were brothers.

That's all he wanted.

And that's all I want.

Cheers.

To Dad.

To Dad.

(MUSIC FADES OUT)

(CAR ENGINE REVVING)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

LORELLA: It's Nic.

Oh, it's Nic!

(INTENSE ORCHESTRAL MUSIC

PLAYING)

Must have mixed up

our luggage.

(MUSIC FADES)

You left

before I could claim it.

Hmm. Well, I came back

to finish what we started.

Under one condition.

We sh**t the final scene

in Ischia.

At the highest peak

of Mount Epomeo.

But there is no final scene.

There is no script.

There never was.

Only an opening.

Mm-hmm. Wait.

(SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYING)

Right. Excuse the, uh,

we've got a stain.

But we have no money

for a sosia.

A stunt double.

Who will do the scene?

I'll do it.

Are you sure?

You are no longer acrophobe?

Mmm. Cured.

(IN ITALIAN)

(FABRIZIO LAUGHING EXCITEDLY)

Ah...

I can't return to Italy.

I have been blacklisted.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry to everyone!

Well, that's fine.

I have a great idea

for a co-director. Hmm?

Really?

Yeah, really.

LORELLA:

But who will co-direct?

A super-volcano?

Super-volcano!

(BOTH LAUGH EXCITEDLY)

(MUSIC INTENSIFIES)

FABRIZIO: Yes!

Yeah!

Nic Cassino is back!

(NIC GRUNTS)

(FABRIZIO LAUGHS)

Oh, God, that's it!

(MUSIC FADES OUT)

TITINA: "Tonno con me."

NIC: "Come back with me."

TITINA: Did you write

that all by yourself?

Actually, I had help

with Isidoro.

Did you tell him

you want to eat tuna with me?

Because that is what is written.

No, it's... it's the thought

that counts.

You have a lot of nerve

to show your face,

"the great Nic Cassino!"

Yeah, I've...

I've been sitting here

for an hour and a half and...

no one's recognized me

except this old lady--

No one recognized you

because no one cares about you.

You're... you're a phony,

even if you are not a sosia.

Listen.

You have every right

to... to be angry at me.

I ran away from you.

I ran away from everyone.

Yes, you did.

Why?

I guess it's, uh... it's...

I had some character

issues to resolve.

Uh, like a... like a backstory.

(SCOFFS) Backstory?

NIC: No, please.

Every great character--

Just listen to me.

Please. Every great character

needs a backstory.

And in that backstory

are the things

that make the character tick.

And sometimes,

you gotta go back

and reset the clock.

And did you?

Yeah. Uh...

Some stuff came up.

(TITINA SCOFFS)

A lot of stuff.

TITINA: "Stuff, stuff"...

Yeah, stuff, you know--

Ah. Good stuff or bad stuff?

NIC: Good, bad...

But... but you left.

You left.

You made people believe in you.

That you were different.

That you were not just

another celebrity tourist,

caring nothing for the mess

you leave behind.

Look, I'm--

TITINA: No.

(SOBS) Why did you come back?

I came back for you.

(TITINA SCOFFS)

No, I... I did.

I came back for you.

I came back for my motivation.

Liar.

No, no

No, yeah.

No.

No, I'm not lying.

I'm sorry.

(GROANS) Whoa.

I'm strong?

Yeah.

Very st-- Yeah.

I know.

Ow, that actually hurt.

Mm.

All right. Ow.

Right on the funny bone.

No, not the funny bone, but...

Citizens of the world.

I stand before you today

as we face

our gravest challenge.

As I speak, an asteroid

the size of a small planet

hurtles through space

directly at Mt. Vesuvius.

I ask the nations of the world

to unleash their nuclear

weapons at the asteroid...

(INTENSE RUMBLING)

...to destroy it

before it destroys us.

May God be with us all.

(FABRIZIO CLEARS THROAT)

Maestro... (sighs)

With your permission.

And...

(IN ITALIAN)

(BOMBASTIC, JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING)

OMBRETTA: Marcello.

They heard you. They listened.

They have sent

their entire nuclear arsenals

to destroy the asteroid.

("SE BRUCIASSE LA CITT"

PLAYING)

Marcello...

(AIR RAID SIREN WAILING)

Do you know what that means?

NIC: It means the world's safe.

And the super-volcano can sleep

for another million years.

No.

It means a new age of peace.

No more weapons. No more wars.

(SIREN WAILING)

(SONG PEAKS)

OMBRETTA: Marcello! Look!

Another m*ssile!

NIC: Time to save

the world again.

(NIC GRUMBLES)

I'm gettin' too old

for this sh*t.

(GASPS)

Marcello!

(YELLS DRAMATICALLY)

(NIC GRUNTS, WHIMPERS)

(SONG CONCLUDES)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING,

CHEERING)

And finally, a clip

from our last nominee.

(SOBS)

NIC: (SOBBING) Sorry, Luigi.

I'm so sorry! (SOBS)

(JINGLE MUSIC PLAYING)

And the winner for the Best Rip

Your Heart Out Crying Scene...

from the first ever

neorealistic action film...

It's my man, Nic Cassino!

(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING)

(CROWD CHEERS, APPLAUDS)

(CROWD CHEER)

Where's Papa?

FABRIZIO: Anybody?

(POUNDING ON DOOR)

(HANDLE RATTLING)

FABRIZIO: Please!

Do something!

Please!

Excuse me! (KNOCKS ON DOOR)

FABRIZIO:

The winner is in the toilet!

("MINE AIN'T YOURS" PLAYING)

It's your last chance

To reign

Till you fall down

On your knees

That isn't how you make it

Mine ain't yours for taking

Now you're to blame

For what's going on with me

You know

Your life's what

You've made it

Mine ain't yours for taking

You never have

To make it right

But how long

Can you be wrong?

Don't try to sing

The same old song

You're never tired

Of making fights

Tell me how long

Till you're gone

You never try to see

Eye to eye

Always looking for

A place to hide

That isn't how you make it

Mine ain't yours for taking

It's your last chance

To reign

Till you fall down

On your knees

That isn't how you make it

Mine ain't yours for taking

Now you're to blame

For what's going on with me

You know

Your life's what you make it

Mine ain't yours for taking

You never have

To make it right

But how long

Can you be wrong?

Don't try to sing

The same old song

You're never tired

Of making fights

Tell me how long

Till you're gone

You never try to see

Eye to eye

Always looking

For a place to hide

That isn't how you make it

Mine ain't yours for taking

You never have

To make it right

But how long

Can you be wrong?

Don't try to sing

The same old song

You never try

To make it right

Tell me how long

Till you're gone

You never try to see

Eye to eye

Always looking

For a place to hide

That isn't how you make it

Mine ain't yours for taking

That isn't how you make it

Mine ain't yours for taking