02x01 - Say Goodbye to Hollywood

[bunniefuu]

♪ MTV. ♪

-♪ Oh-eh-oh ♪
-♪ Are you ready for it?

-♪ Oh-eh-oh ♪
-♪ Are you ready? ♪

♪ Watch me now, oh-oh... ♪

Before you were here he said,

"Now my daughter looks
like this,

"so you got to sh**t
her this way.

sh**t her that way."

No, I would never
tell them that.

You take the camera.
Stand on a stool.

By the way,
do we have the ladder

for my daughter's close-up?

You're so mean.

sh**ting our entire lives,

it's probably the hardest
thing to explain to people.

Having our entire lives

for the world to see,
and not only see,

but have their own judgments

is very scary.

Can't catch a break
in this house.

Why do you think I want
one right now?

It's great when you're sh**ting

'cause it's just you,
your family,

and half the civilized world.

For those that seek solace
in their own home...

I just want to see
how peaceful and quiet.

Come on. Right here.
Look at the privacy.

One, two... don't hide, sound.

Three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine, ten.

You got guys popping out

of your bathtub
and sharing your toothbrush.

They become kind of, like,

unwanted relatives.

Dare we fumigate this place?

♪ Come on now,
roll with the crazy ♪

♪ Dance like 1980 ♪

♪ Roll with me, baby ♪

♪ You ain't gonna save me. ♪

I'm hungry.

We're gonna make homemade pasta.

What century do you think
it'll be finished in?

I know the person
that was buried in that wine.

It's like Italian
embalming fluid.

This is an exact
replica of my ex's heart

after we broke up.

- Cute.
- You are savage.

I'm single now.

I moved to New York with Sophia,
so we're living together.

Let's do it.

-Ow.
-Ow!

I'm still writing my book,
um, signed with an agency,

and single.

It's just a restart.

A personality restart,
a friendship restart,

a relationship restart.

I'll tell you what,
you can't beat Italian food.

You should go to New York

because New York has the most
amazing restaurants ever.

Sophia and I decided
to come back to L.A.

while Scarlet's on summer break
so we can all just be

one happy family again
under the same roof.

Here's your dinner, Uncle Frank.

Is that for the dog or me?

- It's beef tartar.
- Smells so good.

- No, it's not.
- Yeah, have a bite.

You look like a bootleg Elvis.

I am Bootleg Elvis, baby.

Since last season, I was
hospitalized with pneumonia.

I almost died.

Is this any way to treat
a nice Italian boy?

But other than that,

I'm still playing music
and my love life is

somewhat in the toilet.

What's the oldest you'll date?

- -Thirty.
- Oh, my God.

- -No, I'm only kidding. Come on.
- Are you kidding?

So, you'd literally date
someone my age?

Well, I don't know
if I'd date her,

- -but I may--
- Oh, my God.

Oh, God. That's even worse.

That's so much worse.

You're crazy, boy.

Sip and cook. Sip and cook.

There we go. Keep mixing.

I turned 21,

I'm prepping for my junior year
of college,

and I met someone.

♪ Nobody love like us... ♪

His name is Louis.

Oh, cute.

♪ Nobody love like us... ♪

Louis is
a very loving and sweet,

respectable person.

Favorite cereal?

Oh, you know me so well.

You'd hope so
after eight months, right?

I kind of thought
"Love at first sight."

Right when I saw him,

I go, "He is extraordinary."

♪ Nobody love like us... ♪

You have grass in your hair.

Well, take it out.
Ew.

Ew, ew.

Dinner is served.

This makes me
want to go to Italy

and eat blocks of cheese
all day.

Ugh. Lot of gas.

What the hell are these plants?
Can we take these out?

- -Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- It's wet.

I mean, it's got to go.

We have,
like, a few pieces here.

I love being home.
It's so calming.

I have an announcement.

- Oh, my God.
- There's a fly in here.

--Christ.

- Stop, man.
- It's a fly.

I'm not kidding you.
I hate flies.

Guys, I invited him.

Maybe it's Jeff Goldblum.

All right, I lost it.

--Okay.

That's the worst-sounding
f*cking glass

I've ever heard in my life.

Hey, can I make an announcement?

Oh, my God.

Can you not do that?

No, I know,
the pasta came out my nose.

No.

What is wrong with you?

-What?
-No!

Hey, hey, hey.

Frank, put a cork in it.
I need a serious moment.

Time out.

Okay, big important
flash news message.

After long, hard consideration,

your mother and I have decided

it's time to move on and leave
the state of California

permanently, and we're
going to go to Florida.

We're gonna sell this house.

- What?
- What?

Yep.

- Is this a joke?
- It's not
a joke at all.

- -So, you're--?
- Full-time?

-No L.A. time?
-Full-time.

We already have the place.
It's a done deal.

I just feel like that
I was born, I was raised here.

It's my home, you know?

First Sophia and Sistine.

Now my mom and dad are leaving.

Where's the punchline?
Where is it?

I've been here since '73.

- You grew up here.
- I grew up here.

I was born and raised here.

But here's the thing.

You don't go to college here.

You guys live in New York.

-It's an empty nest.
-It's a, it's an empty nest.

I need to change it up.

When you spend your life--

and I raised all three
of our daughters in California--

everything's a memory to me,

memories of them
not being there anymore.

So I needed a big change

and Sly went along with it.

-You can always
come back and visit.
-I know.

We have a lot of roots
in California,

so it's not an easy

transition to Florida.

But Jennifer really had
her heart set on it.

I gave in.

I think it's a great idea.

Sophia and I now living
in New York.

It's an easy commute to Florida.

I love it. You love it.

Sayonara. Get rid of it.

I'm not someone that is
nostalgic about houses,

but it's a little weird
that my dad is

just uprooting everything
to go across the country.

This is a huge change
for someone

that hates change.

Cheers to moving on.

-Bigger oceans and...
-You have unlimited coconuts.

- You have....
- Forever.

I hate coconuts,
but I like Florida.

So, if there's coconuts there,
you're not gonna visit?

Coconuts took my first wife
and k*lled her.

- Frank, what?
- You've never been
married.

Can you take your glasses off?

Please, take off the glasses.

Uh--

We're nuts.

Dad, guess what
I'm being for Halloween.

-What are you gonna do?
-Jessica Simpson in

-"These Boots
Are Made for Walkin'."
-Guess what I'm gonna be?

So I was thinking I wear
a really, really scary mask,

-gross worms out of my eyes.
-Right.

Then on the bottom half,
I'm in full lingerie.

- I like that.
- I can't believe
you just said

-that was okay.
-Jessica Simpson is not

-a monster.
-Sophia, you dress
like her every day.

- It's Halloween.
- I don't
want to be a monster.

Well, we're gonna be
in New York anyways

to do this,
so it doesn't matter.

My daughters have moved
to New York,

which is kind of traumatic

because I spent many,
many years in New York.

I literally had nothing.

So I lived in bus stations.

I slept in alcoves.

I had a coat,
and the coat was my house.

Every day there's robbery,

physical attacking,

cars coming over curbs,

people throwing acid on you.

I mean, it sounds crazy.

You had to keep
your head on a swivel,

and I've never gotten over that.

I can't sleep at night
until I know they're safe.

Since you guys
have moved to New York,

it's made me very uneasy.
You know, I'm paranoid anyway

'cause I have
a responsibility as a father

to do everything I can.

And the first thing is,

we have to learn about a little
self-defense, something.

Honestly, my dad is the most

paranoid person on the planet.

He is crazy.

Growing up, we had to learn

how to fight off a coyote.

He always made them
overprepared.

Like, what if someone comes up
and gives you a piece of candy?

What are you gonna do?

God, he's so annoying
when he's nervous.

I'm showing them
pictures of accidents.

I used to have a cartoon slogan

about what to do
if you see a g*n...

"Run and tell your parents."

He made us practice
pepper spray each other.

Oh, my God.
That's so bad.

He put a little knife

in my backpack in fourth grade.

Probably shouldn't say that.

I carry a knife in my shoe.

Oh, God.

-You carry--
-I do.

It's a toothpick.

I have pepper spray.

You yell at me about
pepper spray every single day.

But we're gonna go
to self-defense class.

When you're raised by someone

whose entire identity is being
the biggest badass in the world,

I knew how to run faster,
hit harder

-than anybody in my grade.
-Bye, now.

- Where are you going?
- We're being kidnapped.

He's taking us to a retreat
for self-defense.

I'm a little bit shocked
at the fact he thinks

we need to have
more training on top of it

when we've been raised with it
for the last 20 years.

So... I mean,

it's a little bit of an insult

that he doesn't think
we're stronger than that.

Okay.

Sophia, I want you to practice.

If you were kidnapped...

...would you put
your blindfold on

so it's like the real thing?

No. Wait.
Why do I have to put my--?

Why doesn't Sistine
put her blindfold on?

Oh, I don't know.
Maybe because she's driving?

Are you kidding?

Make sure you're counting

all the turns back there, okay?

Yeah, all the turns.
This and that.

If you hear a bird...

This is ridiculous.

I've had so many scary
experiences in New York so far.

I've been followed multiple
times where I've actually

turned around
to the guy and said,

"What do you want?"

Actually gets them.
You kind of have to confront it.

I've had rats chase me.

That is way scarier
'cause they can't speak human.

So I'm like, "What do you want?"

Are you counting the turns?

Mm, no.

The place I'm taking you to
is run by a guy named Mike

who's an ex-Navy SEAL,
and he's excellent.

An ex-Navy SEAL is
gonna train us?

What am I gonna have?
A circus clown train you?

I've been wanting to do this
since you were about 12.

You scared us
since we were in diapers.

- DTA, DTA.
- DTA, DTA.
- Yes, DTA.

Don't trust anybody.

- Um, are we turning?
- There we go, Sophia.

I feel rocks.

Okay.

Oh, God.

Sophia, you want
to take that off?

Oh, my... no.

Sistine, look up the road.

I don't want to go.

-I'm scared. I want to go home.
-Dad, I'm scared. Look at that.

I want to go home.

- They're all standing.
- Let's go.

Let's get it going.

- Oh, sh*t. Oh, sh*t.
- I can't do this.

I can't do this.
I can't do this.

I'm petrified.

I thought I was badass.

You look at guys
that actually are badass.

I'm out.

You live in New York
and you're worried about this?

Dad, this is way scarier
than New York.

These are real Rambos.

Wait. They're kind of cute.

- Guys.
- Do I look okay?

- Come on. Come on.
- Guys. Guys. Guys.

Can you believe this?

I'm not playing a game.

These are the guys
that have seen combat,

faced death--

This is the real deal.

Living on your own in New York,

you have to know
how to defend yourself.

In the time we have,

we're gonna get a baseline
of skill sets.

Hopefully you get
a little bit smarter

about what you need to do
when you're in New York.

-Okay.
-All right?

If you guys are in a situation
where you get attacked,

just remember,
attack the attacker, right?

Always fight to your feet

and always make space
or get away.

These nails can't fight.

I'm gonna break one.

Not to be super girly,
I can claw someone.

So we'll just do jab,
straight right, left hook.

One, two, good.

I almost broke my nail.

--Ah! Why did you do that?

Yeah, yeah.
Keep you on your toes.

- -Your hands were down.
- No, I wasn't.

Yeah, they were.

I don't want to get hit by that.
That's for sure.

I'm your worst nightmare.

I'm gonna bridge my hips up
and knee him

so his hands fall
back here. Boom.

And then I trap his foot
that I'm gonna roll to.

When am I ever gonna be
doing this in New York?

Every first date ever.

All right. Ready?

Good.

There you go.

There we go.
Now we're talking.

Sophia, she's hitting this guy.
Oh, that's my girl.

She has the k*ller instinct.

See you, sucker.

Then it's Sistine's turn.

First thing we do...

--Boom. Now what?

...and she goes...

♪ You and I, you and I... ♪

Okay. Sistine.

Trap my foot on this side.

Sistine. Come on.

"Can I have your phone number?"

Like, "What are you
doing tonight?"

Are you kidding me?

-Now what?
-Now I'm here.

♪ Hold me tight... ♪

How you doing?

Is that what you're gonna do
with a mugger,

ask if he wants a date?

I was feeling a lot of emotions
during this combat training.

It's been a minute.

By the way, he's DMing me.

But I'm not his type,
and I'll tell you why.

He follows only girls that have
really big curves.

And Sophia and I are like,
"Boing."

The stick figure?
Like, what do you mean?

Okay, what's the question?

Now I'm stressed out. Oh, God.

You don't want anything
to go to Palm Beach?

You want everything
shipped to Miami?

Except that giant pink couch.

I'm gonna miss this house.

-I know.
-So much.

-I know.
-It's so sad.

It is. Listen, I know.
I love the house.

I bought this house because
I thought this was

the perfect family home,
and it is.

But nobody's here.
We're all leaving L.A.

So it's not-- I don't feel like
this is home anymore.

No, I get it. It's just you guys
kind of left me out

of the whole decision.

And this is a family decision,

and I felt left out in a way.

I actually wanted to take over
this house after you guys

to raise my family.

To be all honest with you,
I am--

I definitely... I am sorry.

I know what you're saying,
and I think--

We have lots of great photos.

You can always look back on
those photos and memories

and say, "You know what?
This is my goal,

-is to find a house
similar to this."
-Yeah.

Wherever you and your husband
eventually find a home.

Scarlet's reaction makes
a lot more sense to me

why she's so upset.

I do understand,
and I know it's hard.

But on the other side of it all,
I'm really excited

just to branch out of
my work, wife, mom duties

and figure out who I am
and what I like doing.

Do you know this is
the last time

I'm gonna cuddle with you
in this bed? Mmm...

This is the last time.

So far you've learned how
to defend yourself.

Part of living on your own
in New York

is mental toughness.

-Yeah!
-Yeah.

So we're gonna run you guys
through a series of drills

that we think will help you
when you're in New York.

Kind of toughen you up
a little bit.

Oh, Jesus.

No, no, no, no, no.

-Oh...
-There's no way.

There's no way
I'm getting in that.

I'm assuming
you're gonna go in there.

You don't focus on the fear,

you focus on the task, right?

Kind of dig deep into
the mental toughness zone.

Dare I say this?

It's time for
a training montage.

Grab a ruck.

-Okay.
-60 pounds of weight.

- -Follow me.
- Good luck, girls.

- -Don't forget to write.
- Thanks a lot, Dad.

Your turn, girls.

When you hear this little
voice that's gonna tell you

you can't do this,

don't listen to it,
'cause this is where you grow.

Oh, my God!

Cold water puts stress
on the body.

You'll be able to work
through your thought process.

They think the pool
is cold at 91.

Yeah.

One, two, three.

Come on!

-Sistine, do you want a pizza?
-Yeah.

A little Mulberry pizza
would be so good.

- -Oh.
- Keep going, focus.

Almost there,
almost there, almost there.

You got it! Yay, Sophia!

- We good?
- You guys did it.

-No way. We did it?
-There we go.

Now we're talking.

-Whoo!
-There we go.
-Yeah.

Oh, my God! My n*pples.

I can do anything!

I feel amazing!

Oh, my God!

All right, you did really well,
but there's one skill set

that Army Rangers,
Green Berets, Navy SEALs,

we all have to pass this test.

-This is my favorite.
-Oh, Jesus.

Have you guys step in the pen.

-Okay.
-Oh, in here?
-Yep.

Wait, are we doing
some cage fighting?

Oh, they want Sophia and I
to battle to the death.

This is insane.

Ready?

-What?
-No!

No. What? No.

- No, he's too cute.
- I don't want to chase him.

Chicken chasin'.
It's how we always used to train

-in the old days.
-Yeah.

You catch this thing,
you can catch greased lightning.

- Go on, get it!
- Chasing a chicken

sounds like a fun game.

What's the matter with you?!

You have to
have speed, patience, agility.

And understand
you're gonna be beaten

by something that weighs
three pounds and has a beak.

Come here. Come here,
chicken, chicken, come here.

I think my fear of birds
started when I was little,

and Sly used to actually
lock me in my room

and turn the lights off.

I used to make a lot
of crow sounds like, "Caw!"

That is so dark.
That is so dark.

Maybe that did it.

Listen, I don't want to do this,

you don't want to do this.

Sophia, you're not helping
at all.

I've seen Sistine scared
of birds every single day.

A pigeon just walks by her,
and she's like,

"Ew, ew," like, freaking out.

They're the rats of the sky.

Why are you so fast?

You guys work as a team,
it could be a lot easier.

Okay. Okay,
Sistine, Sistine...

-Ah, Sistine...
-No, no, no.

God, he keeps slipping.

--Sistine, Sistine...

-What?!
-Oh, no.

Oh, come on,
that was not fair.

Wow.

Ugh.

You know,
maybe I'm not as, uh,

weak as I thought.

Ow.

Ow!

I really hurt my finger.

-You guys passed the test.
-Whoo!

Well done.

I was very proud that
they succeeded in this.

Shocked, actually.

If I can handle that, I can
handle g*dd*mn New York City.

I'm so proud of myself

passing all of the tests.
I would do it again.

Maybe.

I'm feeling a little bit better.

They're gonna be aware now,
and they're no pushover.

Especially if they're attacked
by a chicken.

They were so hot.

Stop it.

My God.

-You are Rambolinas.
-Rambolina?

Rambolinas, man.

Hello.

Come on over here, Jon.

Ugly b*stard, that dog.

Bring Lassie and take a seat.

"Bring Lassie!"

So, Henry, what are you
up to, man?

About five-six and a half.

There was this movie
called Lords of Flatbush.

And there's this one guy
playing Butchey,

and his name was Henry Winkler.

I'm gonna do something wonderful
with my life.

And I owe it all to you.

And we couldn't be
more opposite.

He's a Yale graduate,
intellectual.

Me? I'm a graduate of
Whatsa-Matter U.

All right, I brought
you guys here

on this momentous occasion
because

I think the house is now sold,

so this is my true farewell.

- To California?
- To California.

-Unbelievable.
-You know...

Henry Winkler is very important
in my life.

I never thought
in a million years

I would head out west,

and he kind of, like,
came to the rescue.

Almost 50 years ago.

First time we landed in L.A.,

my car broke down,

-almost in front
of his apartment.
-Yeah.

On Sunset Boulevard.

You said, "I need help."

So we put all of your clothes
into my car,

and I drove you to
the apartment you rented

-on El Camino?
-Wow. Yeah.

I brought him up
to my apartment,

and I said, "See these...
all this scribbling here?

"This is gonna be worth
a fortune someday.

I'm gonna sell these as movies."

And I take it to ABC.

And I called you, and I said,
"Here's the good news.

"We have sold the script,

but they want to replace
the writer."

It's gonna be hard to leave

Henry and Al.

You know, Dolph Lundgren.
All my friends.

Especially the pizza joint.

I don't know I'm ever
coming back here again.

This is kind of bittersweet sad.

Right. I understand.

-Moving is pretty traumatic.
-Right.

How do we make new friends?
How does this...

Yeah, I wouldn't worry about it.

I do.

It's not easy for me
to leave California.

That's where I got my start,
that's where I got my break.

I have a lot of memories.

Mao said that every seven years

you have to have a revolution
in your life.

That's what you created.

The thing is, I-I don't want
to shake things up.

-But I know my wife wants
big adventure.
-Right.

I need to talk to my wife.

Good luck.

What are you doing on my side
of the bed, by the way?

Scoot. Scoot.

Go on that side.
This is my side.

-All right.
-You're making it all hot.

How was your lunch, honey?

-Melancholy.
-Yeah?

It was great, it was happy,
it was depressing.

It's a lot of things.

You know, it's one of those
mixed lunches.

--Yeah.

Been thinking about, you know,
we're making this big move.

Whether it's the right move.

Yeah?

I want to be sure if we're gonna
leave California...

Yeah.

...that we're making
the right move.

Because this has great
ramifications.

Let's say it doesn't work out.
It's like, now what?

The house that we love
and we have built, gone.

And if we go to Florida,
guess what.

We don't know anybody.

We talked about moving
in the past,

but he always probably thought
that we were just dreaming,

and it was never really
gonna happen.

Now that it's really happening,

I think he's a little nervous.

But I know that I am committed

to making this move to Florida.

I have no doubt in my mind.

I think that this is gonna be

a really good start
for both of us.

We can make new memories,
new beginnings.

And if we don't love Florida
in a few years, guess what.

California's still gonna
be available.

We can still move back.

I'm not easy to live with.

Jennifer's made an incredible
amount of sacrifices

over the years.

I know deep down inside

no matter how I'm feeling,

I owe it to Jen to
go through this move.

Without a doubt.

If you can leave,
who am I to complain?

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

-Let's do it. We can to this
together, honey.
-Okay.

And, being empty nesters,

we can get into a lot
of trouble together. Whoop!

How'd you get so smart?

I'm getting ready.
I'll be right there.

-Okay, okay.
-Don't go anywhere.

All right, all right, all right.

The Stallones are back, baby.

The Frankster's in town.
Hey, baby.

I am really nervous
about my boyfriend

-meeting my family.
-What are you, like,
growing this?

Oh, trying to go for
the same style as you.

Who would do something
like that?

--Whee!

I go on a date with a guy
every night of the week.

I'd love if your father
could sign 'em.

But for me, no men, no problems.

All my friends
have grandchildren.

I don't want this pressure
anymore.

Big piece of disc smashing
the nerve on the left.

Sly has to go through surgery.

That terrifies me.

Never do your own stunts.

- We need a change.
- See you later!

Bye, California.

We're heading back
to the fatherland.

The Stallone family
goes back nine generations.

We're getting all
of his cousins together

-for this huge family reunion.
-Hey!

I do have anxieties.

Meeting the relatives.

Where's my interpreter
when I need him?

We're in the city of love.

There's no better way
to see Rome

than on a Vespa with an Italian.

Look at all these beautiful
children we made together.

All of us wouldn't be
talking about

we want to fall in love if it
wasn't for two people like you.

Got a little surprise
for you guys.

We are not taking the donkey
to Florida.

Now I feel like a real a*s.

♪ Come on now,
roll with the crazy ♪

♪ Dance like 1980 ♪

♪ Roll with the crazy,
and dance like 1980 ♪

♪ Roll with me, baby ♪

♪ You ain't gonna save me. ♪