02x04 - Back Aches and Blind Dates

[bunniefuu]

♪ MTV. ♪

Oh, my God.

What is with you?

You, like, literally
have touched

every single crevice
of this apartment right now,

and it's, like,
kind of giving me anxiety.

I'm nervous.

After going on a plethora

of not-so-successful dates
in New York, the time

has finally come
where I am going on UpDating,

which is a dating show,
in front of an audience,

and this whole thing
is being live streamed.

And Sophia is
oddly convinced that

this is going to be the answers
to my singleness.

So, how does one dress correctly

for an audience
in a dating show?

I think the wholesome route
is always, like,

a good little start, but
I don't think you should dress

like Mother Mary onstage either.

Like, she looks like
she could bake an apple pie.

But then she also looked like
she could handcuff me to a bed.

Since Sophia has committed me

to doing UpDating,
I can't back out.

People are relying on me
to show up, so...

I just have to swallow
my pride and go for it.

♪ We got that glow
from head to toe ♪

-Okay, ready?
-Yep.

-Oh, my.
-Option one.

-That's not bad.
-Or is it too hot for summer?

Yeah, it is 80 degrees out
outside.

It's just too winter.

What are you
more comfortable in?

♪ Get your eyes on this ♪

This looks like
Fifty Shades of Grey right now.

--Okay, you're right.

♪ Get your eyes on this ♪

- What do you think?
- ♪ Get your eyes on that ♪

-I like that.
-♪ Get your eyes on this. ♪

-Wow.
-No, I love it. I love it.

I like it with
your hair color, your skin.

I feel like you feel best
in this one.

What if I actually like someone?

That's like,
I mean, I'm assuming

that's
your best-case scenario is

-that you want to like someone.
-Yeah.

Even though I am
a little bit nervous

to do the show,
I'm honestly up for it.

At this point I will try
anything to get a date.

♪ Come on now,
roll with the crazy ♪

♪ Dance like 1980 ♪

♪ Roll with me, baby ♪

♪ You ain't gonna save me ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh. ♪

♪ It's way too easy
to be lookin' this good ♪

♪ The drip, day one,
yeah, it's so understood ♪

As I'm preparing to take off

to Florida, I thought,

you know, why not spend

a little time being nostalgic?

And the first thing
I wanted to do was go

to the boxing gym, where
it all started, with my brother.

♪ It's way too easy
to be lookin' this good... ♪

Come on. There you go.

Okay. Don't hit me.

♪ To be lookin' this good... ♪

Ow. f*ck.

-Now I got you.
-He always hits me.

-I'm taking the mitts off.
-Now I got you.

When I'm going to Florida,
I don't want you

to feel
like you're deserted here.

-You're always welcome
to come down 'cause...
-Yeah...

I think you could use a chase,
you know what I mean?

-Yeah?
-Bang, bang.

I loved boxing as a kid.

Little did I know
that 25 years later,

boxing would change
my entire universe forever.

Because boxing
is about fighting.

Fighting against
overwhelming odds.

Guess what. Welcome to life.

-Hey, fellas.
-Oh, my God.

The Mr. Grillo.
I love this guy.

Come over here. Why don't
you have any gloves on?

I see him hitting you,
and I don't like it.

I wrote a screenplay
called Homefront

starring Frank Grillo.
He was the bad guy.

You got five seconds
before I drill

your f*cking skull
into this table

and then into the floor,
you understand me?

Where is the f*cking narc?

He's as crazy as I am.
A real badass.

Last time I saw you,

you were holding your back.
How you--

How you feeling?

I thought
I was going to be okay.

You know,
I had my back operation,

which is why you should
never do your own stunts.

And now I have
to have another one

this Thursday 'cause,
like, my legs are,

like, numb. That's why I'd like
to bounce around in here.

But if you feel
like you're gonna drop...

-I mean, but you're still,
you're still moving.
-I'm still moving okay.

But that's called,
like, movie moving.

-It's not like real moving...
-I know, I know, I know.

So they got to go in
and do a little drilling again.

There's something
kind of romantic about

"doing your own stunts."

There's something
very unromantic about

after doing your own stunts.

Here we go again.
It's back operation season.

You really think it's
from doing your own stunts?

You know what it is?
I did stupid stuff.

I was directing Expendables, and

like an idiot, I'm doing
take ten, take...

- With Stone Cold Steve Austin.
- I'll never forget, I was doing

this one body slam,
and I could actually feel,

bang.

Stone Cold Steve Austin--
when you got

slammed in the wall,
that started it all.

And Steve knew
'cause he had done it, too.

And I'll never forget
Steve going, "Oh."

I saw his face.
He went, like, he felt...

- Really?
- Oh, he felt horrible.

I never recovered
from Expendables One.

After that film,

I was literally,
physically never the same.

So I warn people,

don't do your own stunts.

But, anyway,
if they ever need

a remake of The Hunchback
of Notre Dame...

...I'm ready.

Listen, I think you look great.

--You're gonna do great.

I'm gonna be onstage.

The last time I was onstage,
do you remember?

I was in the fourth grade,
and I blanked.

I remember I had this monologue.

...was abolition
and sl*ve... and sl*very.

When I stood on that stage,

I froze, I stuttered, I cried.

And I'm feeling those emotions
coming back right now.

Look at you--
you are a confident, strong,

sexy, b*mb-a*s woman.

Oh, my God, I actually feel
like I'm gonna throw up.

Okay, we're here.

All right, baby, let's get it.

Come on. Hey.

Hi, guys.

- You look amazing. How are you?
- Honestly, I was like,

-I'm just gonna go for it.
-At long last.

We've been talking
about your guys's show forever.

I love it.

So how many guys
are gonna be...?

-We-we have a couple. So, we...
-We can't say. We can't.

-Don't tell me, then.
Don't tell me.
-Yeah, don't...

-Stop asking questions.
-We can't say the number.

Do you want anything to drink?

-Tequila.
-Tequila.

I'm a tequila guy, too.

We'll be back in a few.

-Yeah!
-Okay.

All right, everyone,

clap it up. Welcome to UpDating.

--Oh!

UpDating is probably one
of the most genius

dating inventions
I've ever seen.

No one knows
that she's a Stallone,

so they're just gonna fall
in love with her for her.

And that, my friends,

is the only thing
that you want in life,

is someone
who genuinely likes you for you.

All right. The moment of truth.

-Okay.
-The blindfolds.

- Oh, God, right now?
- They're going on.

-Are you ready?
-Right now? I guess.

Let's walk you out.

-All right. Oh, my God.
-Okay?

And as if I'm not

nervous enough,

this whole thing
is being live streamed

to the public.

Who knows who's watching?

Oh, my God.

Welcome to UpDating.

What are you watching?

It's this show
with our kids on it.

Well, I want to see it.

I didn't tell Sistine,
but I thought it'd be

kind of funny to send it

to my dad, the harshest critic

in the entire world.

And I know
I'm gonna get some texts saying,

"What the hell
did you just put her through?"

Put your hands together

for Sistine!

So, Sistine, um,

you're gonna meet,
obviously, uh, a guy

-or two tonight.
-Could you please take
this computer

-and break it over my head?
-So, Sistine...

So, Sistine, you're gonna meet,
obviously, uh,

a guy or two tonight.

So give your elevator pitch
to them

on why they should date you.

Well, there's a plethora
of reasons why someone

should date me.
I'm a great time.

- Subtle.
- I make delicious scones.

-Moms love me.
Yeah, I love food.

Also like to stay in
and have a nice little cuddle.

-Aw!
-Aw!

Even though I am

absolutely freaking out
for this show,

I am sort of

excited and a little bit curious

to see
if this little blindfolded

social experiment
will work for me.

Maybe something genuine
could come out of this.

Talk about your current
dating life.

What's the-- Is there--
What's the worst date

you've been on recently?

--All of them.

--Every one.

A guy told me
to meet him at 1:00 a.m.

in Central Park.

-Oh, gosh.
-Come on.

You know what?
Get her on the phone.

I know. Seriously.

-Seriously.
-He was sitting alone

at a park bench,

and he just pulled out a cigar

-out of his pocket.
-Are you sure it was a cigar?

So, is there an example
of a best date?

Honestly, just carry
a good conversation.

I like banter.

-She can talk.
-She can-- Yeah.

Tall would be nice.
I like big hands.

If they're nearsighted and have
to wear glasses, I love that.

-Why would she like that?
-I don't know, man.

So they-they can't see her?

I'm still back in Central Park.

-I know.
-And the cigar.

Guys, clap it up for Ed.

- -Give it up. Take a step.
- Ed.

Wow, Ed's handsome.

He's all right.

I was a little...

concerned when I saw my daughter

on the dating show.

It's shocking.
It's one thing to see

a guy in your living room.

You can actually size him up.

But to see him on-screen
with your daughter

is driving me crazy.

It's like... an insane aquarium.

I'm looking at all these fish
swimming around,

and-and I'm going,

"My God,

I have nothing to do with this."

Ed, there was something specific
that you said to us

that's very important to you
on a date.

Oh, banter.

Do you have good banter?

Sure.

-So, take it away.
-All right. Uh...

I mean, I don't, like...

Uh, I mean,

I-I don't know.

I think, like,
quality banter is...

a stem
of a healthy relationship.

Yes. Do you have banter, Ed?

I feel like I'm doing
marriage counseling right now.

So, Sistine, you have

an opportunity right now

to find out anything else
you want to find out

about him before we move on.

I think we can move on.

Oh!

I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry.
- Okay, Sistine,

we have a second guy for you.

Do you want to meet
the second guy?

- Yes!
- Whoo!
- Yeah.

- Yay!
- Definitely.

Ladies and gentlemen,

give it up

-for Charlie!
-For Charlie!

So, Charlie, what makes you
different than other guys?

I feel like I'm a gigantic dork

trapped in a, uh,

frat boy's body.

I like that you own
that you're a giant dork.

He kind of looks
like Justin Bieber.

The forward proceeding hairline.

Where's the rest of your shirt?

So, if we were

staying in one night,

what would be
your choice of movie?

Edward Scissorhands.

Nah, if he didn't say Rocky,
you're dead.

So, what makes you dorky?

I guess, like, my hobbies.

I was like a theater kid
growing up.

I did ballet for a second.

Oh. Yo.

It's like High School Musical.

Wow.

What dates have
been successful for you?

I-I grew up riding horses.

- Oh. Sweet. Yeah.
- So that would be fun.

Do-do you ride Western
or English?

- -Western.
- Okay, sweet.

You know your horses.

I've-I've ridden a horse
or two in my day.

--Okay.

Sense a chemistry.

Thumbs up or thumbs down?

Kissing while blindfolded?

Oh...!

-Does this make you
uncomfortable?
-Yeah.

On the cheek.

Aw...

- Ready? Okay.
- I'm ready.

Aw!

That was a super nice cheek,
by the way.

Thank you.

-You grew that yourself,
didn't you?
-I did.

I did, yeah.

I hate watching Sistine flirt.

It's so...

He's touching her.

I am just praying
right now

that child does not kiss anyone

onstage because my dad

is going to go full expl*si*n

on the guy.

Well, should they take off
each other's blindfolds?

I think so.

Three, two, one.

Hi.

-Hi.
-You're so tall.

You're really beautiful.

He's got big hands,
he's got big, like, shoulders,

and he's got a thick neck.

He's just a big human,
which I love because

I would feel really protected.

He's so different.

It's not like anyone
I've ever gone out with.

So I'm a bit surprised
that I'm feeling a little bit

of attraction.

Do you want to go on a date

with me after this?

Would you want to go
on a date with me?

-Yes.
-Yes.

-Oh, my God!
-Ugh.

-Oh, God!
-It's like t*rture.

No, nope, no, no.

That guy's lucky I wasn't there.
That's all I can say.

And I thought my back
was painful?

That was the worst.

Here we go.

Morning, it's about 6:00.

And... it's a very special day.

I'm going in for
my seventh back operation.

Sly tries to mask the pain,
pretend like it didn't happen.

He doesn't like people to know
he's had so many surgeries.

I want him to be
in perfect health

because until Sly
gets back surgery,

we can't move to Florida.

So, Sly, today we're
going to do the micro disc.

Okay, you have that large
herniated disc fragment.

Clear that off.

And like we talked about,
if we ever need

to do artificial discs,
we'll do those later.

That's a much bigger surgery,
right?

-Okay? Shouldn't take us long.
-Okay.

You're gonna do great.
You know, you're...

Hey, I'm looking forward to it.

Sly going into surgery,

I've never seen him
not in good spirits.

He has a great attitude.

It's very scary

for our family
every time Sly has

to go through surgery
'cause you never know.

I mean, no one knows.

I have not been able

to get ahold of Mom yet.

I was gonna call her again,
but I'm a little...

nervous about the lack of
information I'm getting on Dad

and what is going on
during surgery.

Why don't you just text her
and say "Call me"?

Yeah, I was gonna say...

It's really hard to see

my dad go through

yet another painful operation.

I think my whole childhood
he was in pain.

He did everything he could

to push through the pain
and be present,

but I couldn't imagine,
you know,

every waking moment
you are just hurting.

My dad was my best friend.

We have kind of
a really tight bond,

and this is serious.
I'm just scared.

It's just tough
'cause this is like, literally,

what, the seventh
back surgery he's had?

And, and he's getting older,
and that's what's scary.

It's terrifying.

The worst thing could happen.

And you just have to wait.

- Hi, Dr. Johnson.
- Hi, Jennifer.

How'd it go today?
-How's the patient doing?
Here he is.

He's looking good already.

Yeah, I was wondering
where the patient is.

He's ready to go.
He's ready to run.
-You look great.

You just had back
surgery this morning.

- It's amazing.
- What, an hour and a half ago?

Yeah, exactly.

It's incredible.
Right after the surgery,

he's happy,
he wants to get dressed.

He wants to go home,
get something to eat.

I'm actually kind of shocked.

I'm like, can we wait
like 20 minutes?

I'm hoping this is the one

to make him live
a more comfortable life.

So, we'll see.

So, is he going to be
at least 80% pain-free?

- -He's going to be fine.
- Okay.

I mean, he's gonna be too good

-is the problem.
-Wow.

Can't wait to walk down
the street with him again.

I am so happy
the surgery is over

and he is on the path
to recovery.

Sly has a clean bill of health

and we can now go to Florida.

I can't believe he operates
in cowboy boots.

- That's right.
- He operates in cowboy boots.

That's Americana to the max.

He's a great surgeon.

♪ I got that la, la, la ♪

♪ I go la, la, la ♪

♪ You got that
blah, blah, blah ♪

♪ Open your mouth,
go blah, blah, blah ♪

♪ So what you
gonna do about it? ♪

You get to now witness
us dating without blindfolds.

-Am I just like...
-Watch me flirt again.

Am I literally
just the third wheel?

You get to see it
all over again.

-No, but thanks for coming.
-Yeah, yeah, it's fine.

-It's not the first time...
-You know I get nervous
and awkward and...

I'm feeling those
first-date butterflies

heading to the bar
that Charlie works at.

But I'm really excited

because from our
conversation onstage

and a little bit offstage,

he's really easy to talk to,

and I'm going
to his environment,

so hopefully he can make me
a really good c*ck.

♪ You got that
blah, blah, blah ♪

♪ Make your move. ♪

-Hi, Charlie.
-I'm so glad you came.

I feel like my dad
just showed to my soccer game.

Aw.

All right, yeah,
so what can I get you guys?

Here, we got the menus
right here.

I want you to make me

-whatever you want.
-Just curate whatever you want?

-Whatever you feel
like my energy is.
-Right.

Trick, trick, trick, trick.

Very impressive.

You're such a gentleman.

Is this what you were
drinking before the show?

No, I was drinking pure vodka.

- I was too sober.
- I was too sober.

No, I was-- well,
'cause I've done before

where I was, like, really sober,
and I was just like...

Interesting!

Did you go out
with the girl after?

Yeah, um...

So, I've actually done it--
this is my third time doing it.

No! Third time?

Wait, wait, I feel
like a schmuck.

No, you should-- no, no, no.
It's all... Yeah.

-I thought I was special.
-You're not special.

I-- it was actually
pretty special.

- -By far, my favorite.
- It was really funny.

Playboy Charlie.

I thought I was special,
but, you know,

third time's the charm, right?

I'm gonna leave you two

to talk for a second.

Okay, so...

- Thank God the c*ck
is gone.
- Oh, yeah.

-So annoying.
-So annoying.

I feel like I'm, like, just

getting so hot
and flustered right now.

I'm such a sweaty mess.

No, no, no, I'm so sweaty.

No, I, I think I have you beat.
It's terrible.

No, but we can't fight
over who gets more sweaty.

This is, like, not hot.

-I'm just happy you're here,
honest.
-I am, too.

Yeah, it's just like, as far as
everything goes, like...

This is fun. I love it.

♪ Can you bottle it up? ♪

♪ Can you fill up my cup? ♪

I don't want to toot
my own horn,

but I told you so.

She found someone.

And I'm so happy
that it was Charlie.

I think everything
happens for a reason.

Check for me.

So I feel kind of bad

because my sister's been
sitting in the corner alone.

Thank you for letting me come
today, disrupt you at work.

No, I'm just so-- seriously,
thank you so much.

So good to see you.

♪ Give me some ♪

♪ Give me some, okay, yum ♪

I like him a lot,
and I'm very picky.

He makes some good
espresso martinis.

-I ain't complaining.
-I'm not gonna lie, I'm tipsy,

I'm feeling good,
that was a good drink.

Girl, I had three of 'em.

♪ Okay, give me the ♪

♪ Give me, give me that yum ♪

♪ Give me, give me the uh. ♪

I cannot believe

this is our last...

- It is. Mm-hmm.
- ...meal in California.

This is it.

This is our final moments
in Los Angeles.

This is more difficult
than I thought

it would be.

Are you s-- a little sad, or...

-How are you feeling?
-Uh... yeah, you get
a little wistful.

You go around, take
mental pictures of the place,

-and then...
-You move on.

You take that proverbial leap into the abyss.- -

I'm gonna go pack.

-Mwah. See you soon.
-Okay, I love you.

-I love you, too. You got it.
-See you in a minute.

Even though I've been
planning on this move

for a while now,
it doesn't seem real.

All the memories
that we've made in California,

it's really gonna
be hard to leave.

-Where are you going?
-I'm going to school.

Clap your hands. Good girl, yay!

Hey, Sophia.

We've had so many
great birthdays and holidays,

and it is gonna be
very, very hard

to say goodbye
and not have a home

to go home to
when I'm back in L.A.

You guys look so cute today.

- Can we have
one last family hug?
- Of course.

It's okay, Mom.
Just take it all in.

I love this house, and I love
the memories we made in it.

I know.

- It'll be great, baby.
- Yeah. I know.

Let's get on that horse
and ride, okay?

Bye, California.

I think it'd be a great idea
if Frank stayed

-with the girls in New York.
-Surprise.

We went from going
to his apartment one time

to him sleeping in ours.

It's just gonna be
a little weird.

I'm thinking about leaving.

But if I leave Miami,

then I leave the person I love.

I'm falling in love with Miami.

I might even stay here
after college.

♪ Come on now,
roll with the crazy ♪

♪ Dance like 1980 ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Roll with the crazy ♪

♪ Dance like 1980 ♪

♪ Roll with me, baby ♪

♪ You ain't gonna save me ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh. ♪