Haunt Season (2024)

[bunniefuu]

[THUMPING SYNTH MUSIC]

[SCREAMING]

[GROWLING]

[SCREAMING]

-You want us to wait?

-I'll catch up.

[PHONE VIBRATES]

Jace?

f*ck.

Nope!

No f*cking way, guys!

I'm not doing this!

Stop.

[SHE SCREAMS]

Okay! Okay!

Jace?

Bradford?

[SHE SCREAMS]

[SCREAMING]

[EAR-PIERCING SCREAM]

ROSEMARY: Holy f*cking sh*t.

BRADFORD: How long can you

scream like that?

[EAR-PIERCING SCREAM]

No. Hold up. Stop.

Like, how long can you do

that in a night

without needing, like, a

break or something?

-Uh, probably a few hours.

-'Kay.

[DANNY LAUGHS]

BRADFORD: And underwear? You

fine working in just underwear?

-Yeah.

DANNY: This isn't sexual

harassment.

ROSEMARY: She knows that.

-Yeah, that's not a problem.

BRADFORD: 'Kay. Blood?

You fine with blood?

-Yeah. Great.

BRADFORD: Like a shitload

of blood, though,

like, gallons of it.

-The more the merrier.

-All right.

Let's show her how to die.

BRADFORD: So you're actually

going to be filling in

for someone who flaked on us.

You fine to start us today?

-I don't think I'm wearing

the right underwear for that.

-I wouldn't worry

too much about that.

We've got plenty

for you to pick from.

-I've been filling in for her

since she ditched us,

but I'm primarily

the makeup artist, so, eh.

-This is all part time

and seasonal

so sometimes

people just disappear.

And Bradford doesn't look

super convincing in a bra,

so there's that.

-When'd you see me in a bra?

I look amazing in a bra.

It's kind of a weird time

for you to jump in.

There's only a couple of days

left in the season,

but if you can fill in for

just those couple of days,

that'd be awesome.

MATILDA: Yeah.

That sounds good.

ROSEMARY: You went to

theater school?

-DePaul, yeah.

-Okay, great.

It's basically the same thing

as putting up a show,

instead of eight performances

a week

you're doing 40 performances

in a night,

one every couple of minutes.

But the lines are a lot

easier to remember

because it's just a bunch

of f*cking screaming.

-Yeah. Backstage should feel

pretty familiar, too.

We're just a bunch of theater

kids who never grew up

and got real jobs.

-Everybody's flirtatious,

but it's a summer camp,

kind of flirtatious,

so it should be

completely harmless

if, for whatever reason,

it doesn't feel harmless

you come to one of us

immediately.

-Yeah.

Long story short, no touching.

They don't touch you.

We don't touch them.

They do touch you.

Yell "Pervo!"

We're coming running.

-Pervo?

-Yeah. It was carefully

chosen.

Took us a long time

to get there.

Speaking of which,

we got to go.

DANNY: I'm going to be in

there with you

the whole time.

Nobody will get anywhere

near you.

ROSEMARY: He's not that big,

but he does have a table

full of weapons.

DANNY: I'm big enough.

ROSEMARY: Plus, weapons.

DANNY: And I'm a

f*cking ghoul.

[OVERLAPPING VOICES]

BRADFORD: Blood!

EVERYONE: Guts!

BRADFORD: All right,

everybody, this is Matilda.

She's going to be our new

scalpee for the night.

It's her first time

at a haunted house,

so let's be nice to her.

But she's got a

hell of a scream,

so just show her

what to do, all right?

-Taylor's only been gone

a couple days.

-Okay.

And if she shows up, we'll

find her something to do.

-She loves being scalped.

-Okay, but Rosemary doesn't.

And I need someone who

can scream,

and I found someone who can

scream. So let's be nice,

okay?

Anyway, guys, we got

a to haunt open.

Why're we just

sitting around?

-Hey, it's not her fault.

Taylor took off.

-Bachelor of Fine Arts.

Okay.

-Like a glove.

-Yeah.

So do you have any double-

sided tape for this glove?

I'm worried I'm going to start

thrashing around and it's all

gonna pop out.

-I got you covered.

-Figuratively.

[ROSEMARY LAUGHS]

[AIRBRUSH SOUNDS]

-Here's your chair.

-Oh.

-And here is your hair.

-Oh.

-And I think it's probably

going to match...

Yes!

-There we go.

-Awesome. Okay.

So...

Basically, when he scalps

you, he's going to

lift this part up.

-Oh, yuck.

-I will goop it up more.

-Oh, nice, okay.

-Boop, boop, boop.

Okay, you're done.

-Awesome.

-You can sit out in the hall,

we will come and get you

when we're ready

to place you.

-Awesome. Thank you.

ROSEMARY: How we

doing over here?

-Has anyone

seen my heart?

-You're missing out.

-What about, like, beans?

-It seems as though

someone has stolen my heart.

and hopefully they're single

and emotionally available.

Thanks, Pumpkin.

We can make it work.

[FAKE CHAINSAW NOISES]

Ping! Ping!

[RHYTHMIC CHANTING]

CELESTE: One! Two! Three!

[CHEERING]

CELESTE: Let's go!

-Little chilly tonight,

huh, bud?

Lemme help you out?

There you go.

Great door scare.

You clearly work here.

What the f*ck?

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

-It is time to open

this haunted house!

[GASPING]

This is what we live for!

[GAGGING]

Tonight, we give the people

what they want.

[GAGGING]

And what they want...

is blood and...

EVERYONE: Guts!

-Blood!

-Guts!

-Blood!

-Guts!

-Blood!

-Guts!

-Blood!

-Guts!

BRADFORD: Let's open

this haunt!

[CHEERING]

[CHEERING]

CELESTE: Let's go!

Let's go!

IT'S HALLOWEEN

by First of October

MATILDA: Could this one

be a little tighter?

DANNY: Yeah.

Just let me know if you

need a break or anything.

-Yeah. For sure.

-You know what to do?

-I start screaming

when you start cutting.

CELESTE: Hey, have a

good first night.

DANNY: It's not my

first night.

-Thanks.

DANNY: It's really weird

you don't recognize me.

-Don't get too

comfortable, Rook'.

DANNY: Not a rookie.

I was in the room

when we hired you.

-I think she was

talking to me.

-Oh, she was being a b*tch?

-Yeah.

-Aww. Thank you.

[GROWL]

[LAUGHING]

-Oh! Okay.

-I thought they weren't

allowed to touch us.

They can't touch us, right?

[OMINOUS LAUGHING]

-Welcome to

Realm of Terror.

[EVIL LAUGH]

[CROWD CHEERS]

Oh.

Does my scarecrow

not scare you?

Come on, Scarecrow.

Scare these people.

[GROWLS]

-Rawr.

-Oh.

Still not scared.

We can do better than that.

Let's help him out.

-Oh, yeah.

-It appears it's time for

you to hurry in

before my associates

start looking

for another scarecrow.

I hear a post

has recently opened up.

Of course,

I wouldn't want

to tie you to...

[SNARLS]

...anything.

[MENACING LAUGH]

-How many?

-Two, please.

-You just graduated?

-Yeah.

-You part of any

theater groups?

-I was at a troupe in school,

but after graduation

we all kinda scattered.

Chicago's a theater town.

-That's what I said,

but the theater kids

headed east

and the screen kids

headed west.

-Didn't feel like chasing

the big time?

Well, I mean,

we just graduated.

I mean, why is everyone so

eager to dive

into the deep end?

I mean, can't we take

a second to breathe?

-Or get chained to walls?

-Right.

I thought we got a year

to, like, chill out

and see if we were

actually cut out for this.

And they all just

kind of left me, so...

now I gotta find a new

group of weirdoes

to hang out with.

-Well...

you've come to

the right place.

-Right?

[APPROACHING GUESTS]

-All right. Show time.

-Okay.

-Here we go.

[INTENSE SCREAMING]

[EVIL CACKLE]

-Oh! More beautiful scalps!

-Whoa.

-Pretty great, right?

-Holy sh*t.

-Dude, double high fives.

Come on.

-Um...

-Come on. You can do it.

[THEY LAUGH]

-I can't do it.

-No, that's good. Here.

SYMPHONY NO. 8 IN Bm

'UNFINISHED' D. 759

by Franz Schubert

[INAUDIBLE]

WE'RE CHEAP ALREADY

by Driftless Pony Club

-You k*lled it!

-No.

-Yes. You're a scream queen!

-Stop.

-You f*cking k*lled it! Yes!

-Sounds like you

k*lled it.

-I guess. Yeah.

I mean, you doing that?

-Oh, no,

not the big screaming stuff.

I'm no good at that.

I make a much better body

in a tub

with long slit wrists,

laying still, occasionally

twitching, splashing people.

That I can sell, but

we got rid of the suicide

tub years ago.

Bradford enjoys performing

as much as he likes

running this place.

If he had boobs, we probably

could have

ridden out the season.

-Fair enough.

-Your scalp, my dear.

Be kind.

-Thank you. Yes, I will.

So are the fitting rooms

first come first serve

at the end of the night or...

-For those that bother

with them.

-What?

CELESTE: Hey! Picture!

-There's always a few.

-In three, two, one.

Yeah. That's great, guys.

Thanks.

Good, good, good.

You don't mind, do you?

-No.

I admire the confidence.

-No. The picture.

-Oh!

-They love their post-haunt,

half-makeup, naked stuff.

-No, no. I don't mind.

-Almost 80 thousand

followers, too.

-Sweet.

-Yeah, I got to keep it

nipple free, though.

-Well, I mean, you gotta

leash those nips sometimes.

-Double standard.

Right, Jace?

-Oh, I could go full nip.

-God, there's two of you.

-Yeah, this year.

Last year there were, like,

what, four of us?

Five if Julie had

a couple drinks.

-Oh yeah.

-How many Instagram

followers do you have?

-Oh, no. I don't do it

for the 'gram.

-Yeah. No pics out when

the d*ck's out.

Jace is all lifestyle.

-You don't mind, do you?

-Fly free, mon ami.

-I like you.

-Fly free!

-Mika!

-I told you, bro.

That's why butcher shops

keep their finest meat

behind glass.

-It's not meat.

It's muscle.

-Tell me about it.

-Hey, Jace. Is this

your phone.

-Did you still my

f*cking phone?

-Put your clothes on, man.

-We could hear you from

outside.

-Really?

-You sure can scream.

-I mean, it's fun.

-Are you exhausted?

-I mean, I'm all right.

-There's a place we hang out

after if you want to come?

-Oh, yo, Seth.

-What was going on in

there tonight?

-They tell you what I said?

-Yeah, I heard what you said.

That's the whole thing.

You don't have a head,

you can't talk.

-That's why it's funny.

I was like, "Hey--

-Hey, just take it off.

-I saw you screwing around

with your

head knife over there.

-Sure. Back here.

Back here we can make all the

"Oh, Gimme head" jokes

you want.

In there, you stay

in character.

-In character?

I'm a decapitated football

player with a pom pom head.

Who cares if I talk?

-I care if you talk.

-It's fake.

-It's only fake

if you don't believe it.

Actually, you know what, Seth?

Don't bother

coming back tomorrow.

-f*cking stop.

I just wiped all this

sh*t off.

[TEXT NOTIFICATION]

[PHONE CALL RING TONE]

[RING TONE STOPS]

[PHONE CALL RING TONE]

-Yo, did you see who dropped

this phone?

-Not mine.

-Have you heard anything

from Taylor?

-Mika--

-No, I'm not doing that.

I just found her phone here.

But she texted me to

meet her here?

-No, I haven't gotten

anything from her.

But if she turns up,

we'll find her something.

I promise.

-Are you going to be here

a while?

-Yeah, I'll be here.

-Text me if she shows up.

-Yeah, sure.

-Just...

-Yep. Just put it

on the floor.

-Sheese, Rook'. Do you ever

clean out your car?

-I mean, I'm getting there.

-It's like you drove

through a thrift store

with your windows open.

-You are going to say

something nice to her

before the end of the night.

-We'll see.

-No, I mean, it's okay.

Her shitty attitude is like

the North Star of

my haunt experience.

It's one thing

I know I can count on.

-No sh*t. Okay.

[MATILDA CHUCKLES]

[HAUNT NOISES]

[HAUNT NOISES STOP]

-f*ck' haunt actors.

[PHONE VIBRATES]

f*ck!

[ROSEMARY LAUGHS]

-I thought everybody

was already out of here.

-Tonight is the first night

I'm not exhausted from

screaming my a*s off

for three hours.

I thought I'd get a

jump on the laundry.

-You could do that tomorrow

when we could go to the party.

I want to bring them a

couple cases of beer anyway,

it was a good week.

-You go ahead.

-You're not going to come?

-It's kind of starting

to feel a little...

-College'y?

-Yeah.

-Well, you know, that's

one of the perks of the job,

you never got to grow up.

-Do you remember

me in college?

I locked myself in my dorm,

ate nachos, and watched

Elm Street movies.

-Well, that's another

perk of the job,

you can make up for lost time.

-Kinda feeling like nachos.

[INAUDIBLE]

I'll come to the wrap party,

I promise.

-Okay.

You want me to come by later?

-If you want to.

-Okay. Well, don't

work too hard.

-Just because it's

hard work...

BOTH: ...doesn't mean

it's not fun.

-You're good.

The fu--

f*ck! f*ck!

Hey, Siri, call 911!

Oh!

[STRUGGLE NOISES]

f*ck!

[STRUGGLE NOISES]

MATILDA: I'm sorry.

Where are we?

V: Tall John's lake house.

He lets a couple of us stay

here on haunt weekends

so we don't have to go

all the way back to the city.

MATILDA: Tall John?

V: You saw him.

I think he was spiky head guy

by the end of the night.

He's been at the haunt

for forever.

So his place has always been

the after-party.

MATILDA: Cool.

V: He never hangs out

with us.

I always try, but he

never goes for it.

MATILDA: Aww, that's okay.

-She met up with Jace?

-Yeah, the haunt is

so much fun,

but honestly, the Halloween

bump it gives my Only Fans

is even better.

-Really?

-Yeah.

And it boosts the Instagram

ad' rev' to.

-Oh, you do sponsorships?

-Yeah.

Umm... Makeup.

Goth lingerie.

Prosthetic fangs.

-Whoa. That's so cool.

How does it work?

-Oh, it just slides

right in and right out.

'ey...

-You did not.

-I did. Always. Always.

-I did a couple of seasons

at the theme park, but

it's just a sanitized version

of what we're doing.

And the budget's great. Great

costumes and makeup, but...

It's the board-approved

assembly-line version

all packaged and ready

to appear

on souvenir cups.

It's all so cutesy.

All of Halloween has

gotten so f*cking cutesy.

You know?

I mean, at least we're we're

doing has a little bit

of edge, but 2,000 years ago,

they were setting people

on fire, dude.

You really wanna talk about

going face to face

with the darkness?

-No, not really.

-Yeah. No duh.

-The p*nis has been

vilified in our society.

That's all I'm saying.

-Okay.

-Like it's literally seen

as a weapon.

-You don't think that's

because it's been used as

a weapon for so long

by so many?

-I think we can both agree

that it's disproportionate,

though.

I mean, people are stabbed

with pens all the time.

But pens aren't stigmatized

as weapons.

-You don't think it's

because less people

get stabbed by pens than

women get r*ped by penises?

-Okay.

Okay.

-Honestly, I just thought you

were a hot guy with a really

nice body who liked to

hang brain here and there,

but it turns out you're

making a point.

Congrats.

-I'm taking it back.

-Your comment?

-I'm reclaiming the p*nis.

It's exposure therapy.

-You just admitted that it's

publicly accepted

as a weapon.

I mean, all these other guys

are concealed carry,

yours is out in the open.

-I'm trying to give you

a positive experience with it.

-What's it going to do,

stir my drink for me?

-It can.

-How did I know you were

gonna say that?

-It can!

-I'm sure I can.

-All right. Your loss.

-So what kind of you?

-Kind?

-Are you an exhibitionist

or a theater kid?

-Neither.

-So what's your thing?

-I'm either gonna chase

people around

with a fake chainsaw

or I'm gonna chase

them around

with the real one.

-Oh.

-He doesn't even want

anyone to have fun.

f*ck it.

I make more money at the

escape room anyway.

I was only doing this

because

it was supposed to be fun.

-You work at the

escape room?

-Yeah. 60 to Escape.

-Where people know

that it's a game.

And we're not treating

goofball sh*t

like it's Shakespeare.

That room doesn't even

need a decapitated

football player.

f*ck it.

-But we still get to come

to these parties, right?

-Probably, yeah.

-Right on.

'Cause this is my sh*t, dude.

-Can I ask you something?

Why are women always

the ones who have to be

chained up and die?

-Because it's classic.

It's like Herschell

Gordon Lewis.

-Okay, yeah,

but I want to t*rture, dude.

I mean, ask

any girl in this room.

They'd love to see

a lady ghoul

scalping a half naked guy.

-Sure, but it's a trope.

It's classic.

-Okay, well, don't be classic.

Be original.

-It's not about

being original.

We're a haunt, like...

nobody wants what's

in my brain.

They want blood,

they want guts.

They want clowns

with chainsaws

and chicks

chained to the walls.

They want what they know.

You give them what they know.

They love it.

They love it. They love us.

-Yeah, but isn't it

more important

to move the conversation

a little bit forward?

-It's more important

for making money.

-It's about sex, isn't it?

-Totally.

-Y'all good?

Anyone need anything?

V: Tall John! Where have you

been all night?

Come hang out with us.

-I'm good.

Give me a shout if you

need anything.

-Come hang out.

CELESTE (SINGING): V. V.

V, V, V. V, V, V, V, V, V, V.

[V LAUGHS]

[PARTY CHATTER]

And you have to hold my leg.

Like this?

Yes!

-You having fun?

Anybody slip anything

in your drink?

Do you want them to?

-No, I'm good.

-Mika doesn't really

hate you.

She's just nervous.

-I'm not trying

to replace her friend.

-I think she liked her.

-Liked her liked her?

-They were pretty all over

each other.

-Not Jace?

-Probably him too.

But he's kind of too hot for

anybody to be serious about.

He's like...

the IRL version of the poster

you hang in your bedroom

when you're too young to

know better.

I think she's just looking

for someone to blame.

Try not to take it

personal in the meantime.

-Yeah.

I won't.

Mmm...

So what kind are you?

-What kind of what?

-Are you a theater kid?

Are you an exhibitionist?

Are you a psychopath?

-I just do the fun stuff.

This is my Halloween

thing.

I help people with light

displays on Christmas.

Handmake really elaborate

valentines.

-Get drunk as f*ck on

New Year's?

-You know it.

What about you?

-Oh, I also get drunk

as f*ck on New Year's.

-But are you a naked

or a psycho?

-Oh, no, no.

I'm a theater kid.

-How did you find us?

-The top listing on

castingchicago.com.

-Big time.

-Yeah, no,

I'm still trying to hear back

from a few student shorts.

-Thoughts and prayers.

-Thank you.

-I don't care if anything

happened between

the two of you.

-I didn't write those.

-It came from your phone.

-Well, I lost my phone

for, like, a week.

And then Tall John

found it tonight.

-Let me see your texts.

-Okay.

Hey, yo, Danny.

-Oh.

-Can you get my phone

out of my pants?

-Yeah.

-Tell me again how you

misplaced your phone?

-Yeah, see, I don't

got those.

I only send Taylor

GIFs anyways.

[JACE LAUGHS]

Have you seen this one?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, so you think Taylor's

into me?

[MIKA SCOFFS]

I'll take that as a maybe.

-So you think somebody

else sent the texts.

-The same night

she disappeared.

-Oooh.

-And you think she disappeared?

-Or the last night

she was at the haunt.

-Like...

disappeared disappeared?

-I don't know, that sounds

dumb, but it's weird, right?

-Disappeeeeared.

Yeah.

That is pretty weird, though.

-It's not that weird.

It's the haunt.

Like, some people

get sick of the makeup.

Other people are just in it

for the money.

Some people just take ghosting

a little too seriously.

The point is, it happens

literally all the time.

Josh was MIA from

autopsy tonight, too.

-No, I saw Josh.

-No, Carley said he was

a no-show.

-Okay, well, someone sends me

a message from her phone,

then ditches it when

I call it?

Like, who would do that

and why?

-Who would do it?

And for what

nefarious porpoise?

-Danny...

-Yeah.

-And why does someone

even have her phone?

-Maybe it was Taylor.

-Than why ditch the phone?

-Yeah.

-You shoulda just stayed

at the haunt tonight.

I mean, maybe your

mysterious texter

hung around.

-f*ck no, dude. By myself?

-No, you wouldn't have

been by yourself.

You know what?

I bet Rosemary is probably

still there.

We can go back.

Danny, you want to come with?

-I would like to stay at

the party, please.

-No. Yeah, forget it.

It's fine.

-No, come on.

You and me, we can go.

No, like, I'm sure

some of this is like

a moonlight mindfuck.

I'm sure it'll make

more sense in the daytime.

-Come on.

I don't want you feeling

weird about my haunt.

-I love your haunt.

It's big and scary.

-It's okay.

[WISTFUL PIANO MUSIC]

-Hey.

-Hey. You guys

just finish?

-We're just heading in.

-Okay, I'm going to the

bookstore until

you guys are done.

-You don't like escape rooms?

-No, I mean, they're just

expensive.

-No, Bradford

has a thing with them.

They come to the haunt

for free,

we get to drop in on rooms

that aren't reserved.

-Oh, f*ck yeah. Let's go.

-I went by her place again.

Everything's still there.

All her clothes.

-Well, I don't think

she left town.

She probably just stopped

coming to the haunt.

-Okay, but why wouldn't

she tell me?

-We don't have

any reservations

for Hidden Temple.

Have you tried that one?

CELESTE: No.

-You're the

headless guy.

-Headless no more.

Bradford can suck a d*ck.

-Well, I mean, now you're

all head all the time.

-Hey, sounds promising.

Take him to The Hidden

Temple, Walt.

Just give me

five minutes.

-Step this way

to await your fate.

-f*ck'...

-So, is this your first

time or...

MIKA: No.

CELESTE: For what?

WALT: All right,

same as yoozh.

If something doesn't

move easily,

it's not supposed

to move.

So don't break sh*t.

-Don't cheap out, Walt.

Set the mood.

-Welcome to the temple

of mystery.

What untold wonder

lay in wait?

[LAUGH OF MYSTERY]

[THE LADIES LAUGH]

Now, if you'll direct your

attention to the

ancient temple's

functional television.

I've got another group.

-Okay, ladies,

it's time to crack

some ancient mysteries.

[ANIMAL NOISE FOR EACH PULLEY]

[THE LADIES APPROACH]

-Man, come on.

We got a show going.

Hey, come on.

You gotta get out of here.

Come on.

Come on. Let's go.

Come on.

MIKA: We've got a dead guy.

-Jack!

Paint me like one of

your French girls.

Exactly.

MIKA: Hey! Hey!

-You got it!

MATILDA: Whoa!

-Very nice.

[LADIES VOICES GETTING NEAR]

[TALKING SIMULTANEOUSLY]

V: No, no! NO!

You go, I go, you go,

she goes, she goes.

-So five. I'm last?

-Yeah.

-Okay.

Do it again.

-You go, I go, you go,

she goes, she goes.

-Okay. Let's just

do it.

[ANIMAL NOISES]

-Five.

MATILDA: Whoa!

CELESTE: Bingo.

MIKA: Oh sh*t.

[V LAUGHS]

CELESTE: Oh my God.

Get one of it grabbing me!

-Okay.

Get this one.

-We've got

another body.

This one's fresher and

doesn't have a head.

-Wait, I need

your passcode.

EVERYONE: 1031.

CELESTE: We're always in

haunt makeup,

we know everyone's codes.

-Okay, ready?

One, two, three.

-No flash. No flash.

MATILDA: Well, I don't know

if you're gonna be able--

CELESTE: It'll be fine.

-Three, two, one.

MIKA: Door's open.

V: What'd you do?

-I pushed on it.

It was already open.

CELESTE: That was an

easy puzzle to solve.

-Just watch your step.

There's a lot of fake blood.

-Excuse me.

CELESTE: This is so cool.

MATILDA: This guy's big.

Nice!

Rocks!

CELESTE: Ready?

[ALL CHEER]

-You have defeated

the evil spirits

and saved a grateful world.

Please allow me to bestow

unto you 10 percent off

any meal in the food court.

Except for the pizza place,

they won't play ball.

-That sucks.

-Yeah, they're dicks,

you know.

-Yeah whatever.

-Yeah, but, hey,

did you all have fun?

CELESTE: I did!

-And you got money

off some food!

CELESTE: Yeah, it's much

more difficult than I thought.

V: I can't believe

you went full price.

MIKA: I wanted pizza. I ain't

no coupon's b*tch.

-Does Bradford have any

deals at the arcade?

We could Skee-ball.

-The haunt has an arcade,

so we can play for free there.

Same goes for bowling,

mini golf, and the go carts.

-But then you're, like,

back at work.

-I mean, we're there

all the time, so...

-Yeah, we're usually there

first thing on Sundays.

-But today just felt like the

perfect day to

escape from a room.

-No arguments here.

-We might get paid f*ck all

for haunting people, but

then the stuff we would spend

our money on is free.

-Or 10 percent off.

-I also work at Fit Perfect

four days a week,

but you're not going to catch

me in there on a day off.

-You only just go back

to haunt then?

V: Have you guys carved

pumpkins yet?

Tonight's the last night

of Pumpkin Fest.

MATILDA: What's Pumpkin Fest?

CELESTE: Oh, no, but

that would be a perfect post.

I have to go back to the

house first.

I want to change.

-Mika.

CELESTE: She good?

-You guys go ahead.

We'll meet you there.

-Okay.

-Okay.

MATILDA: I haven't really

been up in this suburb,

but it feels like it's one

waterslide park away

from becoming a full blown

tourist trap.

-They have one.

It's just closed

for the season.

The funny thing is,

is that if you drive

like five miles north

or five miles west, you're

basically surrounded by forest

preserves or cornfields.

-That's so weird.

And then right in the middle,

they just have this random

theme park where nothing is

actually real.

-It's all fantasy, right?

My Instagram is the

same thing for me.

It's this sexy

goth...

...theme park.

Any time anybody

wants to spend

a few minutes in that world,

they know where to find me.

-Yeah, and what do you

get out of it?

-Other than money?

-Money is good. Yes.

-It's fantasy for me

too, but I get to control it.

It's this dark, chaotic,

kinky world that I get

to completely own and shape.

The haunt is the same thing

for Bradford,

ushering other people

into admire it is

just a bonus.

-Fair enough.

-I'll just put these right

back where I found them.

-Yeah, Yeah, you can just

put them there.

Sorry about that.

-It's okay.

You got quite a

closet in there.

-Yeah.

I like to have...

...some options.

-You can stay here tonight

if you want.

-I'm not like...

I'm not, like, homeless.

-Cool.

-I mean, everyone from school

just kinda f*cked off to L.A.

I knew if I move back home,

I wouldn't

give this acting thing

a real shot.

-Yeah.

-So I'm going to find a place.

-Here?

-Yeah.

-Not L.A., huh?

-I mean, why is this so much

easier for everyone but me?

-I mean, I don't even know

anything about L.A.

-Well, did you know

anything about Chicago?

-Well, that was school,

this is real life.

I mean, do you know

how many steps are it takes

to becoming a working actor?

-A lot.

-Yeah.

There are so many.

I mean, I've been listening

to all these podcasts

saying that it will take

five to 10 years

to become an overnight

success.

Except for Topher Grace.

-You better get started, then.

Well, that's easy for

you to say,

you have Insta' income

at the ready.

-Hey, I'll check out L.A.

spooky season wraps tomorrow.

Let's drive out.

Check it out.

-But, Celeste,

it's so f*cking scary.

I mean, what if I can't be

what I always thought

I was meant to be?

-No one's

meant to be anything, but

especially if you don't

give it a try.

Either way, it's gotta beat

living in your car.

-Hey, I'm gonna

find a place.

-You're laying on it.

If you want it.

At least until we wrap

the haunt.

-Thank you.

-You're welcome.

IN THE REVERIE

by Bailiff

-Thank you.

-There you go.

-What's up, man? You stay

at the party all night?

-Oh, God, no.

-Look, have you heard

anything from Rosemary?

-No. Why?

Were we supposed to

have plans?

-No, she's just

not replying to my texts.

-Maybe she's on a

phone break.

-Naw, she wasn't home

last night either.

-Last night?

Are you guys like...

Oh, sh*t, dude.

Are you...

Are you fryin' each

other's bacon?

-Mmm mm.

-Are you roasting that

ham bone-in, dude?

-Danny, stop.

-What, they're just

pork variations.

Implying that you're porkin'.

-Okay, you're being weird.

Dude, I can't believe it.

I've been walking around here

thinking that

we're the three Musketeers

and this whole time

you two have been barbecuing

each other's baby backs.

-I don't even know what

the f*ck that means?

-You know, just porkin'.

-Dude, look.

It's haunt season,

anything goes.

Sometimes her and I,

we help each other out.

That's not what this is about.

-Help each other out.

Oh, dude, and I thought only

John Cassavetes and the devil

got to know Rosemary

like that, bro.

Come on. Don't be a d*ck.

-Whatever. f*ck off.

Hey, can you watch the bar?

I know you're not working.

-For how long?

Forever?

-It'll just be a second.

-g*dd*mn it, dude.

-Rosemary, you out here?

-Dude...

-Mmm.

-It's like she took off in the

middle of doing the laundry.

-So do your own laundry,

Patriarchy?

-This weird for her.

First, Taylor leaves, and

that's not like her;

then Josh; Mika with this

whole stupid phone thing;

and Rosie's not here.

I don't know, man.

Something's up.

-Please, dude, you've gone

days without answering texts.

Nice double standard,

Patriarchy.

-This feels weird.

This whole season

feels f*cking weird, man.

Like, yeah, back in the day,

it was like a hobby.

So people came

and they went, did whatever.

But now, like,

I don't know, people

miss a whole week at work

before they miss a single day

at the haunt.

Suddenly everybody disappears?

-Dude. It's all aesthetic, man.

It's diet darkness draped in

a Jack Skellington backpack.

Come on.

-Like, Rosie said it last night,

it's starting to

feel like college.

Maybe she's ready to grow up.

-Dude, that's exactly

what I'm saying.

We're down the

street from

demon f*cking Disneyland

over there,

and even our thing

is starting to feel tired.

Dude, none of it's scary.

I'm telling you,

none of it's scary.

It's supposed to be scary.

-No, it's supposed

to be fun.

-Okay. Yeah.

Tell that to an ancient

Celt as a druid pushes

him into a burning pyre.

-I don't know, man.

I just like the drama.

DOWN IN THE BASEMENT

by HoliznaCC0

V: Get those angles.

-V!

I need you to be

my camera person.

-I think I'm done?

-Look.

-Classic.

-Yeah.

Listen, I'm sorry. Okay?

-Cool.

-Like, I was just freaked out

about Taylor.

-Oh, no, you don't

have to do that.

-Okay.

But, like, I was worried

something happened to her,

like, something bad,

but I guess she's okay.

Okay with Rosemary

instead of me.

-Rosemary?

-Yeah.

-That's...

I don't know.

It seems like

she'd be a little less

surprised being hung up

on the wall, but...

-I mean, I don't know,

like, Taylor is the type

not to want to talk about it,

when it's time to move on,

so... yeah.

[PHONE VIBRATES]

MIKA: Um, you know what?

Tell the coven

I had to go, yeah?

-Yeah. Fore suresies.

Is everything okay?

-Yup.

[KISSES CHEEK]

-I don't know where those

lips have been.

-Oh, I'm pretty sure

you can guess.

-Yeah, probably.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

-Rosemary?

It's Mika.

Rosemary?

Rosemary?

Rosemary? It's Mika.

Stop! What the f*ck

are you doing?

Are you f*cking crazy?

Stop!

Stop!

What the f*ck is

wrong with you?

Get these the f*ck

off of me!

What the f*ck is

wrong with you?

Get these off of me!

f*ck!

What the f*ck are you doing?

Stop!

Are you f*cking crazy?

Stop!

[CHAINSAW STARTS]

[SCREAMS]

[CHAINSAW REVVING]

[SCREAMING]

Get the f*ck away from me!

Get the f*ck away from me!

Get the f*ck away from me!

[SCREAMS]

-Rosie!

[SCREAMING]

-Help!

[DISTANT SCREAMS STOP]

[PHONE VIBRATES]

-Hello?

[PHONE VIBRATES]

Who's in there?

-Boo!

-f*cking Christ, Danny.

What the f*ck are you doing

out here, man?

-Messing with you, man.

Come on, let's get outta here.

-What do you mean

you're messing with me?

What was with

all the screaming?

-Dude, I was

f*cking with you.

-Yeah, that wasn't you

screaming, though.

-Dude--

-Who the f*ck's out here?

Is Rosemary out here

with you, because--

-Hey! Nobody's out here, man.

Let's get a drink. Come on.

Just you and me. Let's go.

Just come with me.

-The f*ck's going on, man?

Who's out here?

-Dude, hey...

Look, um...

It's not time.

-Not time for what?

[MIKA GROANS]

Is that real?

[SHARP CRUNCH]

-f*ck.

MATILDA: One, two, three.

-Oh, no Flash. No flash.

MATILDA: Okay, sorry.

Ready?

One, two, three.

Okay, got it.

-Let me see.

LA NINA BLANCA

by Vienna Ditto

CELESTE: Dude,

I have to do more

pumpkin pin-ups.

This thing is k*lling.

MATILDA: Were you scared when

you posted your first nude?

-Sure.

-Then why'd you do it?

-This is mine.

I'm going to do with it

what I want.

And then eventually

I wanted to do it more than

I was scared of it.

-Cool.

Oh. Then somebody immediately

sent me a d*ck tribute to my

message requests and, uh...

Learned to stay away

from there.

[MATILDA GROANS IN DISGUST]

-I feel like one picture of a

rando d*ck would have

been enough to scare me off,

but it doesn't take much.

I'm scared of everything.

-No. Yeah, for sure.

Says the evil

possessed scarecrow.

Hey, but you will

never find a gentler,

kinder evil scarecrow.

-I can work at a

haunted house.

I just can't go through one.

I tried last year.

You remember?

-Dude, she was out

of there so fast.

-The first time something

jumped out at us.

I turn around...

She gone.

-Nearest exit.

I think I made it, like,

one room.

-Totally abandoned me to face

the zombies on my own.

-I couldn't help it.

When it came down to saving

you or saving myself,

it wasn't even a

conscious decision.

My legs decided for me.

-Hey, my legs did the

same for me.

They were like:

You think you can hide

these babies from the world?

I had to debunk the supposed

allure of a thigh gap.

MATILDA: Ahh, preach.

-Every body is beautiful.

DOG WALKER: You okay?

-Happy Halloween.

TALL JOHN: Happy Halloween.

-Oh, Happy Halloween.

-Coffee?

-Sure.

Your place is really nice.

-Thanks.

You know, it always makes

me a little sad.

-Hmm?

I try to keep the spirit alive

until November 1st, but

it always already feels over.

-Well, how do you

think I feel?

I just met you

bunch of weirdos.

-Well,

It's better to have been

scalped a couple nights

than to have never been

scalped at all.

-That old chestnut.

-You got another

job to go to?

-No. You?

-Job?

I got a career.

I'm a fixed income analyst.

-Um... What?

-When I got this place,

I figured I'd be here

all summer, but I mostly

just rent it out.

I use my vacation time

to come out and

do this every year.

-So this is like

your vacation?

-Does it feel like

working to you?

-Touch.

Touch.

-I just want to say

thank you for

letting me stay here

for a little bit.

-Of course.

-I just want to ask, though,

just curious, why don't

you come hang out

if you let everyone

always stay?

-I hang out.

When we're all covered

in blood and screaming.

Once we wipe off the blood,

we're just into

different things.

-Yeah.

-How's it treating you?

-Well, I've wanted to

scream my head off

in public for years,

so now I actually get people

to line up and watch it.

-Like a pressure relief

valve every October.

-Exactly.

To one more night

of unrelenting horror.

CHOMP

by Stanky Ol' McDonald

-No word from Mika still?

-No.

-She wouldn't just bail.

-Yeah.

-Maybe she made up

with Taylor

and they're off

whatever'ing?

-She'd still text me back.

-Yeah, she would.

-It's the big night!

Weird news,

but Bradford and Rosemary

can't be here tonight.

[MURMURS OF DISTRESS]

I know, I know.

I wish they could be here too,

but they have given everything

so that we could

all come together

and have a very special night.

Okay? Let's not

let them down.

I'm only making one

really big change.

And that is to

the final tableau.

Jace.

-Yeah.

-I know you're usually

in the mausoleum,

but that's going to be

a whole other thing tonight.

Would you be up for jumping in

with Matilda

in the t*rture chamber?

-I can scalp a b*tch.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa.

-Excuse me?

-I'm so sorry. Um...

I can, with your

blessing and consent,

gently remove a b*tch's hair.

-Thank you.

-That's better.

-Okay.

DANNY: People, hey...

I don't want anything

to break the mood,

so make absolutely sure

leave your f*cking cell phones

in your f*cking lockers.

All right?

I know we usually want

to have fun, right?

But tonight,

nobody walks away unchanged.

Nobody.

Tonight,

we undo the sacrilege

of generations and embrace

the terrifying traditions

of what All Hallow's Eve

was always meant to be.

Let's get f*cking bloody.

UGLY

by Vienna Ditto

-Are you ready to die?

[CHEERING]

[STARTLED CROWD SOUNDS]

[SNIFFING]

-All right, What do

we got here?

Oh, it's all just

a one piece.

-Yeah, it's, uh...

Wait, so we're doing something

different tonight, right?

-Yeah. Why?

-It's Halloween!

[CHEERS]

A time for pretend, right?

Yeah?

How many of you have used

a Halloween costume

as an excuse to show the world

something real that you've

kept hidden away?

[CROWD MURMURS ASSENT]

Yeah? One, two... yeah?

I am.

The entire rest of my

life is the costume!

[CROWD CHEERS]

Yeah!

Tonight,

I finally get to be

what I was always meant to be.

When we walk

through that door,

I am going to k*ll

as many of you

as I possibly can.

[CROWD CHEERS]

Yeah! Literally k*ll you!

[CROWD WHOOPS]

You all thought tonight

was a night of make believe.

But tonight is a night

of sacrifice.

Observe.

[CROWD GROANS]

Who's first?

TALL JOHN: Okay. Okay.

-Only those marked

with the blood of the knife

will die tonight.

Before the pageantry,

before the pyres

were reserved for animals,

there was one order

that understood

the power of human sacrifice.

They marked their offerings

in their own blood,

then struck them down

during the final harvest

of the season.

They harvested the imposters

and the hypocrites,

those who pretended to be

something they

could never hope to be.

And in doing so, proved

their own righteousness.

[TALL JOHN GASPS]

[TALL JOHN GASPS]

[CROWD CHEERS]

ZADE: Whoa.

That's awesome.

-Observe this sacrifice

as a warning.

If you follow me,

you also follow him

into the darkness.

No groups tonight.

Everybody all at once.

See you later.

ZADE: Okay.

We're clear.

Holy sh*t, dude.

How'd you do that?

Dude?

Tall John?

f*ck'...

Holy...

BEAT WITH MOMENTUM

[JACE SCREAMS]

[MATILDA CACKLES]

-Now it's my turn!

-What the f*ck?

-I thought it was sexier.

-If you were on the wall,

it wouldn't have been you.

-What?

[SOUND DROPS OUT]

HUGE SYNTH KICKS IN

-V, Give me your phone!

-Where's your face?

-Tall John's f*cking dead.

Stabbed for real. He's dead.

-Yeah.

-Give me your phone.

-It's in the locker room.

-sh*t! Does someone have a

phone I can borrow, please?

There's been an acci--

Wait, wait!

Stop, stop!

Don't go in there!

-Zade!

-I'm not f*cking around, V.

Please!

Does someone have a phone?

Please? Thank you!

Wait! Stop!

Don't go in there!

Yes! We need an ambulance

and the police.

-Tall John?

-Tall John?

Oh my God.

HUGE SYNTH RETURNS

-Excuse me! Excuse me!

[GROWLING]

-Where's Danny?

-He went through!

-I'm sorry, everyone,

we need you to exit the haunt.

Please, go back to

the parking lot...

-V!

Hey!

-Get them out!

-What happened?

-It's bad!

It's bad.

-Okay, yeah.

All right.

Everybody, let's go.

Please file out to

the parking lot.

Let's go! Come on!

-Excuse me! Excuse me!

Everybody needs to exit!

We have to close the haunt!

-You want Halloween?

This is Halloween.

[NERVOUS CROWD SOUNDS]

-Danny!

[CROWD SCREAMS]

-Holy sh*t!

V: Everybody, please go

to the next room!

There's an exit in

the next room!

PLAGUE DOCTOR: V!

What's going on?

-We have to get everybody out!

Let's go!

Go, go, go!

[V SCREAMS]

-Stop!

Stop!

-Come on! Come on!

-You gotta go!

CELESTE: V!

CELESTE: V, talk to me!

What's going on?

V: Go, go, go!

What the f*ck?

-Help me!

Help me!

-Get out! Get out!

-What's going on?

-Let's go! Move!

He's k*lling everyone, Stan!

-What?

-This isn't a f*cking joke!

-V!

[SCREAMS]

-Oh, f*ck, f*ck ,f*ck!

[SCREAMS]

-Stan!

EVIL CLOWN: Get out!

Get the f*ck out!

-What?

-He got Stan and V!

JACE: Hey!

-Danny!

[V GASPS]

[V GASPS]

[DANNY GASPS IN PAIN]

-Mark me.

With the blood.

-What?

-Make me a sacrifice.

Mark me!

-Danny, stop.

-Danny, stop!

[GRUNT OF PAIN]

-V, we've gotta go.

V, we've got to go!

Don't look, it's okay.

Don't look, it's okay!

-Guys! What the f*ck

is going on?

-Danny, he...

he k*lled a guy in there,

and he tried to k*ll V.

-What? Get me out!

[CHAINSAW REVVING]

ZOMBIE: Hurry! Hurry!

[SCREAMING]

-God! Help!

What are you doing?

Get me out!

Help! Help!

Oh f*ck! Help me!

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

JACE: What's going on? V!

Yo.

-My phone's in the

changing room!

MATILDA: Call the police!

Call that police!

[DOOR OPENS]

[CHAINSAW SLOWLY APPROACHES]

[CHAINSAW DIES]

[CHAINSAW PULL CORD ATTEMPTS]

[Whispers] Throw the dagger.

[Whispers] What?

[Whispers] Throw the

dagger far.

[Whispers] There's something

about it. Throw it far,

he'll go for it, and

we can escape.

[SCREAMS]

MATILDA: Oh my God!

No! Danny! Please!

[SCREAMS]

No! Danny!

[SCREAM]

[WAIL OF PAIN]

[SCREAM]

[LOUD ARCADE/BOWLING NOISES]

-Help! Someone!

Help!

Help me!

Someone!

[GRUNT OF PAIN]

-You can do it.

[MATILDA'S SCREAMS GET CLOSER]

MATILDA: Please! Please!

Danny! Stop!

No, no, no!

[INTENSE MUSIC]

No, Danny!

Get off of me!

[DANNY REMAINS SILENT]

[CROWD CHEERS]

MATILDA: Please!

Somebody do something!

[CROWD CHEERS LOUDER]

-This is real! This is real!

[MATILDA SCREAMS]

[DANNY SCREAMS]

[CHEERING STOPS]

-Holy sh*t.

-Are you okay?

[APPROACHING SIRENS]

[CONFUSED CROWD]

-The f*ck happened

in there, you guys?

You wanna talk about it?

-That's it.

I'm going to L.A.

-Right now?

-Yeah.

-You're not scared anymore?

-Of going to L.A.?

No.