01x04 - Fish

[bunniefuu]

♪ Oh, Mandy

♪ Well, you came and you gave
without taking

♪ But I sent you away
Oh, Mandy

♪ Well, you kissed me
and stopped me from shaking

♪ And I need you today
Oh, Mandy. ♪

Dig in, lads. Don't be shy.

I'm not meant to talk, but, erm...

..it's a bit awkward otherwise,
isn't it?

Bit weird, you know, just lying here
with bits of fish on me,

but it's actually quite relaxing.

Like sushi, do you?

I wouldn't touch it meself.

I've heard it gives you tapeworm.

One man had a 12 foot tapeworm
inside him. Did you read about that?

No.

f*ck' disgusting.

Don't let me put you off.

You haven't got a ciggy on you,
have ya?

Gasping for a f*g.

Me arms are covered in prawns.

Ta.

Mandy Cutter!

No smoking!

Oh, sorry.

It's a cruel culture, in't it?

You be quiet.

Have you seen their game shows?

I said be quiet.

God, it's like Bridge Over The
River Kwai all over again, in't it?

You are a r*cist.

And you're a fish pervert.

You are fired!

Get out! All right.

Fine. I'll get me coat.

You owe me for an hour and half.

I will not pay you one penny.

Right.

Taking that, then.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry. I can't help feeling
a bit bad

about what happened in there.

Is there any way I can make it up
to you? Maybe...

...take you out for a drink?

You weren't one of the Bulger boys,
were you?

No.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Yeah, you seem quite normal.

Apart from all that naked
sushi stuff.

Yeah, all right.
Pick me up tomorrow night

from Lola's Nail Bar
on the high street. 6.30.

See ya then. OK.

Look at this place.

Not a single customer
in two whole days.

Oh, yeah, there's a new place
opened up down the road

that does vaginal steaming.

How do I compete with that?

You could do vaginal steaming.

Eh!

I am not going anywhere near
other ladies' pipes.

Could do fish pedicures.

What is fish pedicure?

It's when you get these little fish,
right, and you put your feet

into the tank, and they very gently
nibble all the dead skin off.

Leaves your feet all smooth
and relaxed.

But where do I get
these little fish?

Leave it to me.

Is that a gong?

Yeah.

The Carnival Of The Animals -
The Aquarium

All right?

Looking for anything in particular?

Er, actually, have you got any of
those fish that eat human skin?

What? You know the fish where,
if you put your feet in the tank,

they'd eat the skin off.

Oh, yeah, I know.

We've got a load of those ones
over here.

Not much call for them,
to be honest.

Great. Stick about 50 in a couple of
buckets for me, there's a good lad.

♪ Fish, fish, fish, fish, fish

♪ Fish, fish, fish, fish
Eating fish

♪ Fish, fish, fish, fish, fish

♪ Fish, fish, fish, fish
Eating fish. ♪

They're very relaxing to watch, huh?

I always think fish are
the perfect pet.

You don't have to walk them

and you're not that bothered
when they die. Yeah.

You don't get attached
like you would with a snake.

All right, Mandy?

You ready to go for that drink?

Hey. Come and have a look at this.
What is it?

Fish pedicures. Do you want to
give it a go? Be our first customer?

On the house. Yeah.

On the house? I need the money.

This man knows
all the fish perverts.

It'll be round like wildfire.
You'll be swamped.

I've always wanted to try this.

Yeah, just pop your shoes and socks
off and plunge your feet in.

OK.

My dear, would you like
a relaxing cup of green tea

while you're enjoying
your fish pedicure?

Yes, please. Thank you.

You might experience
a slight tingling sensation,

but that's all perfectly normal.

OK.

I can't believe how easy
this thing is. I know.

So, how long do I keep his feet
soaking? Pff.

Ahh.

Ah-h-h-h!

Ah-h-h!

Oh, my God! What have you done?

Jesus Christ! Ah-h-h!

Ah, Jesus Christ!

Call an ambulance!

Don't worry.
I've seen this on a film.

I need to make a tourniquet.
Ah-h-h!

What is a tourniquet?

It's a thing you wrap around
to stop the bleeding!

♪ Fish, fish, fish, fish, fish

♪ Fish, fish, fish, fish
Eating fish

♪ Fish, fish, fish, fish, fish. ♪

Hiya.

It's me. Oh, it's you.

The woman who made me stick my foot
in a bucket of piranhas.

I feel responsible.

Got the wrong fish.

You think?

It's meant to be Garra rufa fish.

Well, I know that now, don't I?
Looked it up.

How's your foot?

One toe short.

Actually, it's probably too late,
but...

..found this. Is that my toe?

Well, most of it, yeah.
Aren't you lucky.

Why didn't you pack it in ice?

I'm in a nail salon,
where am I going to find ice?

But you managed to find a...

...jar of pickles.

Love pickles.

I'm really sorry
about what happened,

but I'm going to make it up to you.

Got us two tickets
to the Sea Life Centre.

Really? Oh, yeah.

♪ La mer... ♪

I've had a lovely time
at the Sea Life Centre.

Can't believe they let me touch
a manta ray.

Did you know the manta ray has
the largest brain-to-body ratio

of any fish?

Mm.

What's a ratio?

You like your fish, don't ya?

Like 'em?

They're like family to me.

They don't judge me.

They know all my faults
but they still love me.

Bloody hell, that's tragic.

Actually, excuse me a minute,
Mandy, I...

Call of nature.

Thanks.

♪ La mer

♪ A berce mon coeur pour la vie

♪ La mer

♪ Qu'on voit danser

♪ Le long des golfes clairs

♪ A des reflets d'argent

♪ La mer

♪ Des reflets changeant

♪ Sous la pluie

♪ La mer

♪ Au ciel d'ete... ♪

You going to be much longer?
I'm burstin' 'ere.

♪ Ses blancs moutons

♪ Avec les anges si purs

♪ La mer

♪ Bergere d'azur infinie

♪ Voyez
Voyez

♪ Pres des etangs
Pres des etangs

♪ Ces grands roseaux mouilles
Voyez ces roseaux

♪ Voyez
Voyez

♪ Ces oiseaux blancs
Ces oiseaux blancs

♪ Et ces maisons rouilles
La-la-la-la-la

♪ La mer

♪ Les a berces

♪ Le long des golfes clairs... ♪

♪ Et d'une chanson d'amour

♪ La mer

♪ A berce mon coeur pour la vie! ♪

Oh, thank Christ.

Sorry about that. All right.

That's better.

Mandy.

It's been a difficult year for me.

First my wife divorced me
and then...

..my toe got eaten off by a piranha.

f*ck' hell. But I feel like...

..I've met a kindred spirit.

Someone I can really talk to.

It feels like
you understand me, Mandy.

I may have lost a toe...

..but have I gained a soulmate?

Jeff, I should say...
Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Hm.

Mm.

I should have kept this
in the fridge longer.

Mm. Interesting, though, isn't it?

Biscuity.

Actually, it's all right, in't it?

I'd get it again. Mm.

Mm.

What?

What's going on?

What's happening?

Here, have some more wine.

My fish. They're dying!

They're not.
They're just having a nap.

They're dying. What have you done?

Why are they dying?

Old age? All at once?

Well, maybe one died of old age
and the others have heartbreak.

Get out of my flat, you witch!

♪ Fish, fish, fish, fish, fish

♪ Fish, fish, fish, fish
Eating fish. ♪

How was your date? I've had worse.

He wasn't right for me.

Plenty more fish in the sea.

Very funny.

You!

Mandy Cutter! f*ck' hell.
Brace yourself.

You have my gong.

Without this gong,

we have been unable to serve sushi
for three days.

That's a bit over the top.

Give me back my gong.

Finders keepers, losers weepers.

You are so childish.

Mandy, please.

Sir, welcome to my shop.

Take back your gong.

I will.

But I'm still very unhappy.

Because losing the gong brings
great dishonour upon ancestors?

No. Because gongs are expensive
and hard to get hold of.

You think you can just
go into Tesco Metro and buy a gong?

Think again.

Oh, look. I wasn't thinking straight
and I took your gong.

I'm sorry.

How 'bout a free treatment
on the house?

We do fish pedicures.

Fish pedicure?

Well, I suppose so.

Great.

Lola.

Get the buckets.

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

♪ Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

♪ Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

♪ Mr, can you tell me
where my love has gone?

♪ He's a Japanese boy. ♪