01x06 - Broadsword to Donna Ball

[bunniefuu]

♪ Oh, Mandy

♪ Well, you came
and you gave without taking

♪ But I sent you away

♪ Oh, Mandy

♪ Well, you kissed me
and stopped me from shaking

♪ And I need you today

♪ Oh, Mandy. ♪

And that's why they should be shot.

Controversial stuff from
Ben in Bow, there. Thank you, Ben.

Right, now, I think we've got
a first-time caller on line one.

Who's there?
Caller, you're live on the radio.

Iain? Yes.

Hello? Iain? Yes, I can hear you.
Can you hear me?

Yes. Is that Iain?
It is Iain. Who's that?

Can I just say, I thought
you were great in the jungle.

Thank you very much.
That's very kind.

What's your name, please, caller?
It's Mandy. Mandy Carter.

Hey, Mandy, nice to talk to you.
Whereabouts are you calling from?

Er, I'm in a coffin, being buried.

Right, OK.
You're in a coffin, being buried.

I've got to say, these wind-up calls
really need to improve a little bit.

No, Iain, I wouldn't mind you up.
You sure you're in a coffin?

Yeah. Listen.

Can you hear that?
It sounds like you're in a coffin.

What on Earth are you doing there?
Do you need help? What can I...?

Oh, no, ta, Iain. Getting out
would more trouble than it's worth.

Why don't you tell me
what's happened?

Well, it all started two days ago

when an old friend wanted to discuss
a job with me in the Red Cow.

Mandy.

Donna.

I've got a job, big one,
and I'm a player short.

I've told you, I'm retired.
The last one was too close.

I'm putting together
the finest line-up

since the Great Railway Robbery.

Railway...? They got caught!
It's all reliable people.

Lucy Spatchcock, the NutriBullet.

If there's a way into a bank vault,
she'll crack it.

Tina Sinkhole. Driver. Trustworthy.

And she's got a Volvo.

Wendy Typhoid. The fixer.
There ain't nothing she don't know.

Isn't she the one who went on
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

and got stuck at £300?

She comes highly recommended.

What do you want me for?

Surveillance.

Someone to be our eyes and our ears.

I told you, I'm retired.

"I told you, I'm retired."

Especially after what happened
on the last job.

Hello? You still there?

Donna? Donna!

You shouldn't have put weight on,
Mandy. I couldn't help it.

There was Japanese Kit Kats
in some of those deposit boxes.

I need this!

I've been planning this
for too long.

This thing has got to run
like a Swiss clock.

Now, are you going to do the job?
Yes or no?

No. Yes!

f*ck off, w*nk*r, you're doing it.

Is that from a film?

Sexy Beast. Oh, yeah.

Have I done something to upset you,
Mandy?

What? Have I done something
to upset you?

No, no, course not, Donna.

You're doing the job.

That's the end of it.

Now get me a taxi!

She wanted you to do a robbery?
That's right, Iain.

And you said no?
Actually, I said yeah,

but I wasn't really part
of the robbery, I was only lookout.

I had to break into an undertaker's

so I could monitor the guards
in the bank next door.

Who do you think runs this country?

Government. No.

Well, yes, but also
the lizard people. Lizard?

No, not lizards.
Like, lizard people.

I mean, these are like hybrids
of lizards and people.

Like, we know what lizards are.
Lizards are just lizards.

These are like lizard people,
people that have...

..lizard-y traits.

I've not really... I've not
really read too much about it.

It's mainly my own thinking.

This is Broadsword.
Come in, Donna Ball.

Don't use my real name
over the air, Broadsword.

sh*t, sorry, Donna.
Are you in position?

Yeah. I'll give you a shout
if they move.

Good girl. Danny Boy out.

Then there's the Queen,
of course. She's another one.

Lizard? Yeah.

A lizard, and like a really
high up lizard as well.

You know, she had Diana k*lled.

Sway
by Dean Martin

♪ When marimba rhythms
start to play

♪ Dance with me
Make me sway

♪ Like a lazy ocean
Hugs the shore

♪ Hold me close
Sway me more

♪ Like a flower bending
in the breeze

♪ Bend with me
Sway with ease

♪ When we dance
You have a way with me

♪ Stay with me
Sway with me

♪ Other dancers may be on the floor

♪ Dear, but my eyes will see
only you

♪ Only you have a magic technique

♪ When we sway I go weak

♪ I can hear the sound of violins

♪ Long before it begins

♪ Make me thrill
as only you know how

♪ Sway me smooth
Sway me now... ♪

They're trying to keep it
from people like you,

the little people, the sheeple.

Well, I suppose we'd better have
another once around the vault.

Broadsword?
Broadsword, there's movement.

What is going on?

Hang about.
What's going on here?

Broadsword, what is going on?

Broadsword. Broadsword! Mandy!

We've been had! Run, run!

For f*ck's sake! Mandy!

You fell asleep in the coffin?

Yeah. Well, I'd had about two pints
of Advocaat, of course I did.

Right. So when did you wake up?

Er, well, I woke up this morning.

God, she's barely recognisable.

Yeah, well, the illness
really took its toll.

What's she wearing
a tool belt for?

Oh, God, she looks terrible.

Oh, God.

Crime Of The Century
by Supertramp

One, two, three, hup!

Hey, Siri, I'm trapped in a coffin.
What do I do?

I found this on the web.

Hi, guys! Thanks to all of you
so much if you've left a comment,

you've liked or subscribed
to my channel.

Today we're going to be talking
about what to do

if you're trapped in a coffin.

Help!

I'm trapped in a coffin!

Now, first of all, it's really
important you don't panic.

Don't panic! Rr-aa! Ps-hw!

You've got about enough oxygen
to last about 90 minutes.

But if you panic, you're going
to use it up too quickly.

To slow down your breathing,
try meditation.

Oo-mm!

Or imagine you're somewhere
peaceful, like a tropical beach.

Or basically just anywhere else
that isn't a coffin.

Stupid little sh*t.

It's only a cucumber!

Hello, Mandy Carter speaking.

Hi, Mandy.
It's Dani from Fitness First.

Is now a good time to talk?
Er, yeah. Why not?

Great! Well, just to let you know,

our special offer of signing up
without paying the joining fee

is still on. So just so you don't
miss out, can we sign you up today?

Oh, no. You're all right. Thanks.

Right, what is it that's making you
have reservations?

Oh, no. It's a really good offer
and that.

It's just that I'm stuck in a coffin
at the moment.

Hello? Oh, sorry.

For a second I thought you said
you were stuck in a coffin.

No, I am. I'm having
a really bad day, actually.

OK. Well, should we try you later,
after you've had a little think?

Yeah, yeah. All right.
All right. Bye.

Crime Of The Century

Oh, look, if it's Fitness First,
it's definitely a no.

Fitness f*cking First?!

I'm going to f*cking k*ll you,
you bellend.

Oh, hiya, Donna.

I'm going to bury you alive.

Funny you should say that.

I'm in the nick and I get to make
one f*cking phone call

and I'm using it to tell you

that I'm going to squash your
f*cking skull like a watermelon,

you c**t!

Oh, look, Donna, I'm really sorry
about falling asleep on the job,

but I'm stuck in a coffin
at the moment.

Don't give me excuses, you f*ck.

Um, I'm going into a tunnel.

Ah... Be... Oh... I...

Crime Of The Century

Hiya, Lola. Oh, hi, Mandy.
How are you, my darling?

Eh, yeah. Not, not so bad.

Listen, sorry to be a bother,

but I don't think I'm going to
make my appointment this afternoon.

OK, my darling.
Are you still on for next week?

No, I don't think I'm going to
make that one either.

Look, I've got to go.
OK. Bye. Bye, Lola.

You've been a good friend to me.

I'm still going to have to
charge you the cancellation fee.

All right. Fair enough.
All the best.

Crime Of The Century

"I am the resurrection
and the love," sayeth the Lord.

"He that believeth in me, though
he were dead, yet shall he live."

MANDY COUGHS
And whosoever...

"And whosoever liveth..."

"..and believeth in me
shall never die."

The Lord gave
and the Lord has taken away.

Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Crime Of The Century

MUSIC STOPS

And that's how I got here
and I thought, "I'll call Iain Lee."

I've never called
a radio station before.

Ticked something off
the bucket list. Hey,

don't speak like that, Mandy.
It's not too late.

We can still send help. OK?

No, you're all right, Iain.

Thing is, if I get out of the
coffin, I'll only go to prison

and Donna Ball said she'd burst
my head like a f*cking watermelon.

Yeah. No-no bad language, please.
Watch-watch your language.

Oh, sh*t. Sorry, Iain. No,
I'd rather just go on my own terms.

Oh, Mandy. That's so sad.
It's for the best.

Right. Well, I suppose
if we can learn anything from this,

it's that crime simply doesn't pay.

Well, this one certainly didn't.
SHE LAUGHS

Mandy. How can I help you
in your final moments?

What can I do for you?

If you could just play
something peaceful and uplifting,

that'd be nice. OK.

Well, it's not really
a music radio station,

but let me have a little look,
see what we've got on the system.

Thanks, Iain.

Ooh! We've got this.
This is perfect.

Mandy, this is for you,

from me.

Bye, Iain. Goodbye, Mandy. See you.

Go well, Mandy, go well. Ta-ra.

I'm going to stay with you
right until the very end.

I'm slipping, Iain.
I know you're slipping.

Are you still there?
I'm still here.

Is that still you, Iain?
Oh, it's still me. Yeah.

Still you? I won't go, Mandy.
I promise.

I'm going now, Iain.
OK, go easy.

Oh, I'm still here. OK.

Gosh, this slip is, er...
It's a very slow one, isn't it?

And... Bye, Iain.
..you're still there.

And...

..I think Mandy's gone.

OK, well, we're coming up to the...
Iain!

There's a drill down here, I forgot!

♪ Oh, Mandy

♪ Well, you came
and you gave without taking

♪ But I sent you away
Oh, Mandy

♪ Well, you kissed me
and stopped me from shaking

♪ And I need you today
Oh, Mandy. ♪