01x06 - Linda

[bunniefuu]

Oh, my God.

I've been getting
all these TikTok algorithms

about where to put your couch
in your house.

What if you just put your couch at,
like, a slight angle?

That way you can watch TV at,
like, a slight angle.

Every single one
of these essays is so bad.

This is the, like, Red Badge of Courage
midterm paper thing?

Red Badge of Courage garbage paper,
I guess. It's, like...

I-I don't know how these kids
didn't get this book. It's so simple.

Like, a young kid goes off to w*r.
Cowardice, honor.

This essay just starts
with the word "hey."

"Hey, The Red Badge of Courage
is a book about courage."

Hey, that sounds bad.

I'm a kind, patient teacher.
Maybe I've been too lenient.

You know what? Honestly, I bet
they didn't even read the book.

- They probably used Biff Notes.
- What's Biff Notes?

- That's like CliffsNotes?
- He's, like, a TikTok book guy.

He summarizes, like, high school books.

[clears throat]
I don't think I've seen him.

He's a q*eer guy, q*eer guy.

Think I know who he is 'cause he's q*eer?

He did a dance with Penn Jillette,
and Teller wasn't there.

They just think they're gonna,
like, get away with this

because I'm gonna try to keep the peace
and give them good grades or something.

[stammers] I'm not gonna do that.

They wanted a w*r,
they're gonna get a w*r.

- Don't ask, don't tell.
- Gwen.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. That was,
like, the first w*r thing I thought of.

What do you think of the couch?

You moved that?

Here you go.

- Here you go.
- Yo, an F? What is this?

I didn't know this was a grade
you could still give out.

- You didn't?
- Are you being deadass right now?

With all due respect.

You realize this is, like,
a fourth of our grade right here?

- Exactly.
- You can't do this.

What do you mean I can't do this?
I didn't do this. You did this.

- This is your grade that you got.
- Whatever.

I gave you guys a month to read this book.

Mr. Marquez, your feelings are valid.

We've all learned our lesson here,
and now you can give us B's.

B's are good grades.
You didn't earn good grades.

I am the teacher. This is not up for
discussion, and that's the end of this.

I'm posting ads on Backpage,
because with grades like this,

I'm gonna have to hit the corner, sir.

You're my hero right now. Seriously.

- I've always wanted to fail a student.
- Yeah.

It's, like, impossible
to fail someone in PE.

They earned F's, so they get F's.

- Good for them.
- [laughs]

Dude, you're like George Clooney
doing funny-a*s pranks on these kids.

It's not a prank. They're real grades
that I'm giving the kids.

Wait, George Clooney does pranks?

I gotta help these kids get into college.

So, if you're giving them F's,
that can honestly be the difference

between them getting into a shitty college
and a super shitty college.

Then get them to do the work
to get into a good college, Rick.

Okay, you're being
f*cking crazy right now.

I'm just really glad
I don't have to deal with any of this

'cause all of my students
are well above average.

- All of them?
- [Gwen] Mm-hmm.

It's impossible for all your students
to be well above average.

Some of your students must be average.

Well, I'm just a good teacher.

Why would it... I'm... I'm confused.
What are you saying?

I think some of your students
are cheating.

No one's ever cheated in my class.

They're not cheating
or they're not getting caught?

Let me tell you something.
People cheat all the time.

- [Gwen] They're not cheating.
- Cheating is trying. It's okay.

- [Grant] Evan, come now.
- What?

- Come, come. Come.
- What? What? I'm eating.

Yeah, you're done.

Why am I getting calls
from parents telling me

you failed a bunch of kids
in your 11th-grade English class?

Because I failed a bunch of kids
in my 11th-grade English class.

- I'm gonna die.
- They deserve these grades, Grant.

- Look at this.
- [Grant] Mm-hmm.

- Read that.
- "As an AI language model,

I am not able to complete this request."

Why is he not able
to complete this request?

It means ChatGPT wrote it.

- Is that not allowed? It's the future.
- Look at this one.

[sighs] Okay. "So, that's what's up with
The Red Badge of Courage."

And then he underlines it, and he puts
the cool guy with sunglasses emoji.

- It's a clear point of view.
- This is crazy.

All right. Evan, do you remember
the mom, Linda Harrison,

who complained about you kissing Malcolm
in front of her son?

- Remember that?
- Yes, of course I remember Linda Harrison.

She tried to have me fired
for the sin of kissing a man.

Well, you just failed her younger son.

- Oh, sh*t.
- Mm-hmm. It took her all of 11 seconds

after your class let out to call my office
directly and demand a meeting with you.

- I'm not meeting with her.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

If you refuse to meet with her,
you will be fired.

- That's not fair.
- It's not.

But if you don't placate this woman,
then I will be fired.

And a new principal will be hired,

hand-selected by Linda Harrison
and her obedient followers.

And then... And then do you think
that a new person sitting in this chair

will indulge your-your-your noble
principled bullshit?

Who's running the school, Grant?
Is it us or is it them?

Them. Them. Her. Her.

Hell hath no wrath
like a concerned parent, Evan.

Do you have any idea
how much sway she has?

Sway? What do you mean sway?
This is a public school.

- What? Is she funding the government?
- Boosters, Evan.

She and her husband, Dale,
they're massive boosters, okay?

Their restaurant donates a... [mouths]
...-load of money to this school.

Well, listen.
Tell her thank you for the concern.

I really appreciate her feelings

- about how I run my class.
- You're meeting with her.

Evan, don't even mess around.
You are meeting with her tonight.

If there's one thing
I'm not doing today, it is...

- We have a reservation for Linda Harrison.
- I can make women love me.

- Cash only? Look at this. Cash only.
- [Linda] Yoo-hoo.

Oh, I don't have any cash.

- Look what the cat dragged in.
- Wow.

You must be Mr. Evan Marquez.

- Linda Harrison. Nice to meet you.
- Linda Harrison. That's right.

- And you are Miss...
- Gwen. I'm his best friend.

I'm Ms. Sanders.

- You're Ms. Sanders.
- Yes.

- Blake speaks so highly of you.
- Oh!

He didn't tell me about that head of hair.

Thank you. [chuckles]
And I like your head as well.

[Linda] Thank you so much. And I
like that little hair you have there.

All right, y'all, get on in there.

- We got you at a VIP table.
- [Evan] Okay.

Dana, stand up straight.
You look like a shepherd's hook.

Winston! Now, I don't care
where those nuggets are headed.

You bring 'em on back over here.
That's what we call a reroute.

- [chuckles]
- Chicken nuggets as an appetizer.

- That's genius.
- They're actually steak nuggets.

I invented 'em.

And we're into the patent process
right now with the lawyers.

Dale's getting into it with 'em.
You know how that is.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- We don't know that.

- We've seen Shark Tank.
- Yeah.

- Oh, sh*t. These are good.
- You wanted to talk, Linda?

Yes. Let's chat about that
as soon as we get some Sprites.

Winston, honey, I'm gonna reel you back
on in over here. Come on, my little trout.

- Can we get three Sprites?
- Absolutely.

- Now.
- Yeah.

- Is he the only waiter here?
- No, but he's my favorite.

We put double syrup in the Sprites.

I didn't ask y'all what you wanted
to drink because nobody gets out of here

without trying my double Sprite.

- Another invention?
- It is.

- [guffaws] It is.
- This is crazy. I love Sprite.

[laughs] You know, Dale calls me
Willy Wonka with a boob job.

I said, "Dale, don't you go around here

telling everybody
I have a boob job." [laughs]

I have considered...

Don't. Gwendolyn, do not.

I am afraid every time I fly.

- So you wanted to talk about...
- Oh, Lord.

You're all such good company,
I just about forgot.

Okay, so, Mr. Marquez, the grades.

Like, what are we thinking here?

Uh, we are thinking

that the grades should
accurately reflect the work.

Mm-hmm. Lord, I hear that.

I'm just thinking,

can't we change 'em? [laughs]

Just like a little bit.
Like, just one time, just a little boost.

What do you think, Gwen?

Well, you can 'cause you are
the teacher, like...

Or no.

- He could but he won't.
- This feels like mixed signals.

Linda, are the grades really
what this is about?

- Yes, why?
- There's not another thing?

Like what?

What happened in the fall.

You were having me investigated
for kissing my boyfriend

- in front of a group of students.
- Oh, honey, water, bridge, you, me.

Okay? I do not care that you're g*y.

I don't care one bit that you're g*y.

As long as you don't care that I sneak
a little drop of gin into my double Sprite

at lunch. [laughs]

- We both got our little things.
- Yeah.

Regardless, I will have to stand firm
in the grades as they are.

I'm an educator, and it's my duty
to give accurate grades.

[chuckles]

Well, sh**t. [laughs]

I admit I wanted us
to see eye to eye on this.

I can tell we don't.

- And we can just move on, honey.
- Really?

As a business owner, I gotta do what
I gotta do to stay within my integrity,

and you gotta do the same as a teacher.

And I respect it.

Wow. Okay.

It shows strength. It shows courage.

- [Gwen] I agree.
- Thank you.

- This has been nice.
- [Gwen] Yeah.

I thought this was gonna be
more of a problem.

- It's a little scary.
- Everything's on la casa.

- I have to excuse myself.
- Oh, you're leaving us?

Chef Gary is really on one.

For the specials tonight,
let me tell you what.

He wants to put a duck burger
on a butter pretzel bun,

and I think he's crazy.

Although, so crazy it just might work.

- All right, bye.
- [Gwen chuckles]

I hate to see her go,
but I love to watch her walk away.

Gwendolyn.

- [bell rings]
- [door opens]

Sorry I'm late, guys.

I just had this whole thing happen
with my car insurance,

and they were not taking my payment
because it was a credit card...

Yoo-hoo, visitor alert.

Hey, Mr. Marquez.

He's uninsured. Let's write that down.

What are you doing here, Linda?
I thought we moved on from this.

Oh, we have. We've moved on to the
next level of sorting this problem out.

The next level?

Okay. Well, I don't know if you know this,

you're not allowed
to just be in my classroom.

You have to have my permission
to observe my class.

I actually do know that,
which is why I went over your head

and got authorization
from the school board.

[whispering] Mom, stop.
This is embarrassing.

- Blake, tuck in your Billabong shirt.
- [students laughing]

All the way around, sir.

Everyone, eyes on me.

This is Dr. Doug.
He is a teaching expert, okay?

And he and I are gonna be
just observing class today.

So, drink a glass of act right,
you know what I mean?

[chuckles] I'm just kidding.
Be yourselves.

I'll be right back.

Dramatically exits. Let's write that down.

There's power up here. I can definitely
jerry-rig a little camera for ya.

Good, 'cause I wanna prove to you
they're not cheating.

Put the cameras wherever you want.
Can you put them back there?

Yeah, it's a drop ceiling.
It's a whole world up there.

- Huh.
- I don't know. I get a couple cameras.

We'll get the footage
and watch it together over drinks?

We could...

What?

Linda is in my class.

- [screams]
- No, no, no, it's not good.

That whole thing where she was being
nice and friendly last night,

- that was a front.
- Oh, my God.

And now she brought
a teaching expert to class

to observe me
and try to take me down or something.

- She's a b*tch. Always been.
- What?

Yeah. Can you come and sit in?
I need manpower.

- It's your free period, right?
- Yes. What?

- Can I come?
- I only needed Gwen,

- but sure, more is better.
- Yes, buddy. [grunts]

Oh, my God.

You should check out Michigan State.

They got b*mb pad thai.

You probably can't get in there
'cause your grades are bunk. [laughs]

- But, yo...
- Rick, come sit in Evan's class with us.

Oh, I'm there. Hell yeah.

You like skinny noodle
or thick noodle? Huh?

Michigan State's got both.

Get it 360, everything, like, IMAX almost.

What is he doing?
Can you please put that iPad down?

You're not allowed
to take pictures in here, okay?

He is documenting. We are just observing.
It's gonna be like we're not here, honey.

I went ahead and gathered
some other board-certified teachers

to observe this observation.

Oh. [laughs] It's good you have
the gym teacher here.

- Hey, Markie.
- Linda.

- Looking all like a Shrek today.
- [shutter clicks]

- [Markie] It's Shrek. There's only one.
- Uh, stunning.

- Hey, Gwen.
- Shut up.

- Okay.
- Now that we have six adults in here,

let's continue our somewhat
tumultuous journey through

- The Red Badge of Courage.
- Didn't we already write those essays?

Yes. But since that didn't quite work,
we're gonna stay with that book

until the information has been
effectively communicated.

Aren't we getting behind
on the state curriculum here?

Shouldn't we be moving on
to To k*ll a Mockingbird?

- Doug, shut up.
- Lot of questions for a doctor.

Markie, do you even have a master's?
What did you major in? Ranch?

I'm sorry. I thought you
were just observing.

- Easily distracted. Write that down.
- What are you writing?

Are you writing this in wingdings?

- What is that?
- Stop it.

How about this?
I'm ordering you to leave, okay?

Observation over.

Actually my parents' rights state that
I can be here, so I will be remaining.

- That doesn't exist.
- You're out of order.

This whole... This whole classroom
is out of order.

- Linda, this isn't a courtroom.
- I object.

I don't know what is going on,
and why will he not stop typing?

- I'll take care of this.
- OOO for "Out of Order."

- Who wants an iPad?
- Gwen.

- Just keep teaching, Evan.
- So, The Red Badge of Courage...

And she's what? She's allowed
to bring this teaching expert

into my classroom without asking?

Technically, no. But in a world where
I want to keep my job, yes.

She's probably just gathering evidence.

Gathering evidence for what, Grant?

For the parents-faculty town hall meeting
she called for tonight.

- She called a town hall meeting?
- Yes.

- She's allowed to do that?
- Technically, no. But in a world where...

You knew about this? What...
Why wouldn't you tell me?

Because I was hoping
she wouldn't gather any evidence.

Evan, look,
if we don't make it through this,

I wanna say it's been an honor
and a privilege serving with you.

Oh, shut up.

My associates are handing out the findings
from today in the classroom.

That's gonna be Dr. Doug.
Y'all know Winston.

Tell him not to hide his light
under a bushel.

You let it shine, Winston.

- You're gonna let this happen to me?
- Shh.

I think perhaps what is most stark
about our findings today

is that Mr. Marquez is unable
to even teach his class

without the assistance of
several other teachers present.

I mean, does the state have funding
for such an extensive support system?

Linda, you brought
a teaching expert to my class.

- [Grant] Mr. Marquez.
- And you came to my class unannounced.

- Okay? I needed backup.
- Mr. Marquez, Mrs. Harrison has the floor.

Thank you, Grant.

Everybody just open to page four.
Let's all do it together.

She used to be so sweet. Like,
I don't even know who this woman is.

These booklets are really well made.

- Where'd they get this picture of you?
- Oh, my God.

- You're built like a baby seal.
- I told you to post that.

I have to listen to this.

'Cause whether this requires
an adjustment or,

honey, God forbid, a removal,

that's something we need to talk about.

She said removal?

[sighs]

I think everybody's with me here
when I say we want our children

- to thrive and to learn.
- [parents] Amen.

- Let me hear it one more time in the back.
- Amen.

What we don't want is
our children subjected to things

that we have not agreed to.

- Am I right?
- Yes.

Like receiving failing grades
on passing work. Can I get an amen?

I'm so sorry. I don't wanna be dramatic,

but this woman has
a personal vendetta against me.

I'm not the only one who's been
affected by Mr. Marquez's actions.

I'd like to bring to speak
a beautiful, incredible and talented

Latina single mother, Luisa.

- Come on, Luisa.
- [mic feedback]

Actually, I'm not single.
I am married for nine years.

Congratulations.

My son was on the football team.

And then he got an F, and now
they say that he can't play anymore.

Heh! That's his future!

We are angry, Mr. Marquez.

[speaking Spanish]

[speaking Spanish]

Hey, Siri, open Google Translate.

[continues speaking Spanish]

[speaking Spanish]

[in English] I'ma call a cállate!

Y'all know Dr. Doug
can't even write that down.

Now, that was beautiful and cultural.

- Okay? And I thank you, Luisa.
- She's using my own people against me.

And that goes to show
that I'm not the only one

affected by Mr. Marquez's actions. And...

Excuse me, sorry.
Please, Linda, if you don't mind.

- Oh, my God.
- I'm sorry,

but there is a more pressing matter.

- Oh, here we go.
- We all need to be aware

- that our kids are playing a new sex game.
- [parents gasping, murmuring]

When I say the phrase
"reverse glory hole,"

- what do you picture?
- [parents] Oh.

Okay. All right. And...
And that does sound terrifying.

Earmark the, uh, reverse glory hole.
Just write that down.

Gonna deal with that later.
We'll keep an eye on it.

I would really love the opportunity
to speak now since this is all about me.

I got one more reminder before I sit
down. I'm gonna quit taking y'all's time.

Y'all get some food real quick.

- We got Winston on the carving station!
- [parents cheering]

We got two chocolate fountains.

And we have a boatload
of my favorite and yours,

- steak nuggets. [laughs]
- [crowd cheering]

Dig in, y'all!

I was hoping that was for us.

I can just drill a peephole
right here in the desk,

and they take the exam, you drop
your keys, catch them in the act.

How you doing over there?

I'm not good, you know?

This woman, it's like I close my eyes,
and she's all I can see.

And she's staring at me
with her blonde updo.

I feel like the town hall went fine.

It wasn't fine, Gwen.
You know it didn't go fine.

They were acting like they were gonna
carry me out of town on a pitchfork

like a big steak nugget.

But they got distracted
by the food in the end.

I don't think
they'll remember what happened.

It's just everyone's on her side.

I'm not gonna win this. I can't win this.

Are you giving up? Evan Marquez giving up?

We have her right where we want her, man.

How?

Do you ever wonder
why her restaurants are all cash-only?

All right, let's go right in the cleavage.
There we go.

This is just so crazy to wear a wire.

It's your only way out
of this buddy, seriously.

[Evan] Okay. Explain
the tax fraud thing to me again

'cause I only get about 40%
of any conversation about money.

All right. It's simple but complicated
at the same time, right?

Biggest restaurant in Austin,

arguably the fanciest.

Cash only.

Why do you think that is?

It's obvious they're skimming
right off the top.

Cooking the books, okay?

And their cover is that
they donate to the school.

It throws the IRS off the scent.

It's fraud. It's bad.

It just sounds like
such a conspiracy theory.

I know, right?
But all conspiracy theories are 90% true.

[Evan whispers] You got this, Evan.

[dogs barking]

[Linda] Come on in, Mr. Marquez.

- Hey.
- [barking continues]

Oh, my Lord. Y'all hush.

- Hush, I said!
- [Evan] Thanks so much

for agreeing to meet.

Hey! Brad, Steven,
you're about to lose your privileges.

So many nice... [clears throat] ...dogs.

Lord have mercy.
'Bout to drive me to drink!

This is a very, very beautiful house.

The recession was very good to us.
Wasn't it, Kevin?

Sorry, is there a way to...

I just wanted to be able to hear
what you were saying.

I can hear you just fine. You said
you wanted a few minutes of my time.

- [clears throat] Floor's yours.
- Yes.

Uh, I was gonna say your restaurant...
The-The cash-only thing...

You know what? There's a wild pheasant
down by the fence line.

That's what's making these dogs nuts.

- Come with me. I gotta do something.
- [magazine loads]

- Oh, my God.
- [barking continues]

So that is just sitting there. Okay.

- Ah!
- Damn. That f*ck can move.

You ever dealt with pheasant?

So hard to k*ll,
and they don't even taste good.

Yeah. Pheasant is definitely
one of my least favorite meats.

You know, speaking of meat,
your restaurant was amazing.

I thought it was so good, and I...

I thought it was cute
how you guys did that cash-only thing.

I was, like, okay,

why would someone do a cash-only thing?

Mr. Marquez, let's just cut to the chase.

I know you're here to grovel for your job.

If you can just change those grades,
you won't have to.

Yeah. I-I hear that.

College is real important to our family.

Blake's GPA is right on the cusp

of dropping him to a lower level
of potential universities. [sighs]

We need him in a good college
like his older brother.

His older brother, your g*y son.

[chuckles]

My son.

Part of me wants to ask if you still think

that just by being his out g*y teacher,
I turned him g*y,

but I would hope you're evolved enough
by now to realize that's not possible.

Well, I certainly think he was encouraged.

[grunts]

[sighs] Anyway, he is thriving
at school. [sniffles]

Do you talk to him at all?

Of course I talk to him.
He's my son, and I love him.

And... despite what you think
I think about his preferences,

I love him no matter what,

and as long as he keeps it out of Austin,
it's fine by me.

Why would he need
to keep it out of Austin?

Austin's a perfectly g*y-friendly place.

Not the circles I run in.
They don't understand.

So I'm not gonna have my life
turned upside down

because of something like that.

You have a secret.

A woman like me has many secrets.

No, I mean, you have a secret.

Like, the fact that your son
is g*y is a secret for you.

Like, you're scared if you told
the people in your life this that

they would kick you out of
your whole social structure.

Well, exactly. So you do understand.

Yeah, I do. I just...

I wonder if you realize that's
exactly how your son feels.

He feels like he has this thing about him
that if he told the wrong people

would get him kicked out
of his life, right?

And that's how you're feeling.
And that's how I felt growing up.

So we're all feeling the same thing.

See what I'm saying?

Wow, you really healed me. Thanks.

- [sighs, laughs]
- [water splashes]

I got him.

Oh, right between his beady little eyes.

Um, why don't you just...
let him redo the essay?

You don't have to change the grades.

And then whichever one is better,
you count that one.

Yeah, that's reasonable.

Great.

You know, it's a good thing that you were
recording that whole conversation,

and now you can just go back and listen to
that speech you gave whenever you want.

And, guys, before I wrap up class,
I wanted to say

I'm gonna give you all a redo
on your Red Badge of Courage essays

to try to get a better grade.

I believe in second chances,
so, congratulations.

Ah! Oh!

Oh, my God!

[coughing]

[coughing, groans]

Sorry. [chuckles] God,
I got turned around up there.

Were you trying
to catch your students cheating?

Yeah. Yeah. I didn't catch
any of them cheating.

Basically, all the kids
are just watching Snapchat.

That's what I figured out.

I gotta get out of here.

Class dismissed.

- [students chattering]
- [grunting] Come on.

- [Gwen grunts]
- I'll get you. Okay.

♪ She drives me crazy ♪

♪ Cuckoo ♪

♪ Like no one else ♪

♪ Cuckoo ♪

♪ She drives me crazy
And I can't help myself ♪

♪ Cuckoo ♪

[music continues]

♪ She drives me crazy ♪

♪ Cuckoo ♪

♪ Like no one else ♪

♪ Cuckoo ♪

♪ She drives me crazy ♪

♪ And I can't help myself ♪