03x03 - Beyond Good and Evel/One of the Guys

[bunniefuu]

Who's that girl?
What's her name?

Is she cool?
Is she lame?

Oh, you're talking about what's her name

Pepper Ann!
Pepper Ann!

Is she lame? Is she cool?

Is she breaking every rule?

Is she anybody's fool?

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million

Pepper Ann!
Pepper Ann!

Much too cool for seventh grade

Catch her if you can
Pepper Ann!

-BOY 1: Who?
-GIRL 1: Is that that girl from gym class?

BOY 2: No, that's me.

GIRL 1: Oh...

GIRL 2: Who is she and why does she have
her own song?

BOY 3: Did someone take my lunch?

[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

Pepper Ann!
Pepper Ann!

Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann
She's like one in a million!

Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!

Much too cool for seventh grade

No one's cooler than Pepper Ann!
She's her own biggest fan, Pepper Ann!

Look! A French poodle.

[DOG SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Yeah, Moose! Make gravity pay!

[GASPS]

[GROANS]

What're you guys doing?

-Nothing! Oh, you mean...
-We're taking out the statue.

Turns out Lupkin the dentist
is Lupkin the crook.

For years, he's been chargin' people
for silver and givin' 'em tin.

He had this whole statue
made of hoarded fillings.

But where will the pigeons go?

Don't worry.

The town's holding a contest
to let everybody suggest nominees

for a replacement statue.

MOOSE:
All you need are a hundred signatures

and you can get your nominee
on the ballot.

Then the town's gonna vote
to see who wins.

I think I'm gonna do it, Peppie.

It would be so cool to honor him
with a statue in Lupkin Park.

Who's him?

Yeah, Moose.

I know about your Evel Knievel closet.

I was there when you dedicated it. Wait.

You want to nominate Evel Knievel
to be the new statue?

[LAUGHS]

Evel's the first man to attempt
a canyon jump on a rocket bike.

He's successfully cleared 13 Mack trucks.

Even before he became a daredevil,

he stopped the slaughter of elk
in Yellowstone.

[LAUGHS]

Give it up, Moose. You're dreaming.

You know not of what you speak.
He's shown us all that a man can fly.

And then land. He's inspired millions.

Peppie, I'd like you to leave now.

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

[CRASHING]

[SIREN WAILING]

I only have six signatures
and two are mine.

Hey, you haven't signed yet.

I'm kinda thinkin' of nominating
dancer-turned-actor Patrick Swayze.

Sorry.

SHERRIE: Are you the girl who wants
a statue of Evel Knievel in Lupkin Park?

Tonight, we feature a little girl,

struggling against the odds
to make her Quixotic dream come true.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the Hazelnut Nut of the Week!

A little girl who wants so badly
to see her hero

become the replacement statue
in Lupkin Park.

[LAUGHS] Noble, right?

Before you decide,
consider who she wants to immortalize.

Evel Knievel.

A daredevil, of all people.
Who isn't even from Hazelnut.

Is Moose Pearson's cause
idealistic and heroic?

Or is it just plain stupid?

We asked Hazelnutians on the street
for their opinion

in this week's Nutline survey.

They have a pie chart showing
how many people think I'm stupid.

What kind of talk is that?

This is all just media grandstanding!
No one thinks you're stupid.

Why not put Loco Yono in front
of the library while you're at it?

A Knievel statue?
[LAUGHS]

Watching people jump motorcycles
may have been fun in the '70s,

before Funstation and Megablades,
but times have changed.

Yeah, Evel. Whatever!

Oh, they decided to use that.

I don't think you're stupid,
I just thought the idea is...

misled and silly, but not you!

Uh... So you probably want
some alone time, huh?

[MELANCHOLY STRING MUSIC]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Moose, grilled cheese? Huh?

[GROANS]

I ran my little sister's dreams
through the chipper-shredder.

Before callously flushing
them down the toilet.

How's she doing?

Nicky, no one with any sense of life
could possibly turn down

the melty bounty of cheese
that hast been grilled.

If she could only see
that her proactive quest

for civic beautification
was a victory in itself.

The latest polls
would say otherwise, Nicky.

No, the only thing that could possibly
un-crush her spirit

would be a pep talk
of unthinkable proportions.

[CLICKS FINGERS] Ha!

Nothing, nothing.

Oh, cheap long distance!

Nothing.

Look! R.C. Knievel in Piñon Falls!

R.C. Knievel could be a relation.

There's no number, but Piñon Falls
is just an hour train ride away.

We could call our moms.

Okay, this is the plan,

we say we're from a youth mag
called "Le b*mb" and tell R.C.

we need Evel's number
for a phone interview.

-[GASPS]
-[ENGINE REVVING]

Do you think that could be...

[TIRES SCREECHING]

PEPPER ANN: Mr. Knievel?

Mr. Evel Knievel?

Well, my folks named me Robert Craig,
but I was kind of a terror as a kid.

The neighbors called me Evel.
I guess it wound up stickin'.

-Well, my name is Pep...
-Oh, it's you.

Why don't you save it
for someone who cares?

You know who I am?

I've got a satellite dish.

I watch Nutline.

Pardon you?

Hit the bricks, missy.

Evel "Whatever" has got chores.

[ENGINE REVVING]

I'm here on a mission of mercy.

EVEL: Boo-yah.

Well then how 'bout showin' a little mercy
and ending your mission?

Mr. Knievel!

You know, in my day little girls
were not so annoying.

Look, we could hurl clever put-downs
at each other all day,

but I'm here about my sister, Moose,

she's the one who's trying to get
a statue of you in Hazelnut.

That sweet angel is your sister?
What happened to you?

PEPPER ANN: ...though she tried and tried,
her beloved hometown shoved her aside,

like so much expired egg nog.

She laid down on her bed
and she hasn't been off it since Tuesday.

-MILO: But how does she go to the...
-[SLAPS]

MILO: Ow!

Mr. Knievel, my sister has believed in you
her whole life.

Right now,
she needs you to believe in her.

C'mon, come and talk to her.

That is one tough little angel
and I know just what to tell her!

Unfortunately,
I need to strip and stain a dinette set.

Maybe some other time.

[ALL SIGH]

PEPPER ANN: Moose, there's plenty
of other celebrities to idolize.

Alternative comic book artist,
Ariel Schrag,

former stutterer turned voiceover king,
James Earl Jones,

pint-sized gymnast, Dominique Moceanu.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Are you gonna keep talking?

Hello!

I am gathering signatures
to have a statue of Patrick Swayze...

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Sean. Don't make me punt you out...

Moose Pearson, we need to talk.

Evel! What about the dinette set?

I lied. First rule of showbiz, Red.

Know how to make an entrance.

Moose, your sister traveled an hour
by train just to tell me about you.

She did?

And from the moment I saw her,
I didn't like her.

But I'm here. How'd that happen?

Your sister didn't give up.

The game's not about winning,

it's about showing up
and playing your best.

My credo is, "You're never a failure
in life when you fall

as long as you try to get up."

But when the whole town
thinks you're stupid,

some stuff can't be done.

Gettin' a statue of you in town is about
as possible as you jumpin' our house.

You just don't understand.

I understand plenty.

[CLATTERING]

Hey! Where you goin'?

To get a 'cycle and a couple of ramps.

-You're not gonna...
-Jump your house?

That's exactly what I'm gonna do.

So, Main Street is which way?

SHERRIE: That's right, Ken!

Non-Hazelnutian daredevil Evel Knievel
has come to Hazelnut

to perform a spontaneous,
some say reckless, jump

to help restore a little girl's
once indomitable spirit.

Evel, don't do it.

You haven't made a jump like this
since King's Island, back in '75.

Actually,
I've never made a jump like this.

Those were 14 Greyhound buses,
this is a house.

Are you sure you can do this?

Red, I put the "I can" in American.

I just wish I had one of my own bikes.

I had to rent this one from that guy who
sells shrimp out of the back of his truck.

Noted Hazelnut physicists have called
Evel's planned trajectory

an impossibility.

Remember kids, I'm a professional R.T.T.
that's Risk Taking Technician.

Do not try this at home.

[DRUMROLL]

[ENGINE REVVING]

[CHEERING]

He's not slowing down!
It must be his brakes!

Always did have trouble wit' dem brakes.

MILO: Mama Cass!

He's heading right for that birdbath!

The swallows!

[CHEERING]

-[CRASHES]
-[GASPS]

[CHEERING]

-Yes!
-It wasn't perfect, but I did it, Moose.

I did it, 'cause I tried
and I didn't give up,

even after things went bad.

Defying the naysayers, doubting Thomases,
and, of course, the media vultures,

Evel Knievel, the patron saint of stunts,
has provided Hazelnut

with one of the greatest moments
in its history!

Evel! Evel! Evel! Evel!

MAYOR KIM: Due to the efforts
of a persistent young person,

Lupkin Park has an unexpected,
unconventional choice

for its newest statue.

See, Moose?

Even though people can think you're crazy,

and that you'll never succeed
in making your dream come true,

you can make the impossible happen.

I give you Hazelnut's own copper-plated,
Patrick Swayze.

-Whoo-hoo!
-[APPLAUSE]

After all that?

They went with Swayze. I can't believe it.

Look kid, you win in different ways.

You gave the whole town
a little excitement à la Evel.

You even inspired some people
to go after their dreams,

however odd they may be.

Sway-ze! Sway-ze! Sway-ze! Yeah!

CROWD:
P.A., make 'em pay! P.A., make 'em pay!

[CHEERING]

She's the one!

Please make it out
to my very best friend, Dieter.

-That's D-I-E...
-Pepper Ann Pearson,

you're wanted in the principal's office.

Okay, here's the thing.

I knew about the fake vomit,
but I didn't...

I knew it was you, you little...

Yes. Well, we'll discuss that later.

Coach Bronson requested
this meeting with you.

Coach Bronson wants to offer you
a spot on the football team.

See, our football team stinks.
It stinks bad.

You've got some leg, Pepper Ann!

We could use someone like you
on our team as place-kicker.

What about the soccer team?

Well, Pepper Ann, I'm here to let you know

that it is absolutely...
[STUTTERS] ...fine by me

if you want to go.

[CRYING]

Control yourself, woman!

[BLOWING]

Well, we'll miss you
if you decide to do it,

but soccer will still be here
when the football season's done.

I know this is a big decision, but you
just take some time to think and...

All right!

I could be the first female
football player

in the history of Hazelnut Middle School!

Well, actually, no.

Eunice Gilliard played fullback
for one season back in 1914.

Oh.

Is this what it's come to?
You're replacing us with girls?

Zip it, Bud. The kid kicks like a mule.

Yeah, we'll see about that.

PEPPER ANN: Whoa!

[THUDS]

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

Ow.

[GRUNTING]

TEAMMATE 1: Almost got it,
just keep your feet on the ground.

TEAMMATE 2: Put your shoulder into it.

[GRUNTING]

[FIZZES]

[CHEERING]

[PEPPER ANN GROANS]

[ALL BURPING]

[BURPING] A, B, C, D, E, F!

[CHEERING]

ANNOUNCER: And Pearson hits a 40-yard
field goal to take us into half-time!

BUD: Girl, you kick like a mule!

[MIMICKING MULE]

ANNOUNCER: Please welcome the beautiful
Fresno Grape Queen,

singing a medley of our sponsors' jingles.

The Fresno Grape Queen?

Her face is like the soothing dawn!

Hey, what about me...

I can't believe it,
we've won three whole games in a row!

That hasn't happened
since Eunice Gilliard

broke the school rushing record
back in 1914!

And we have our wonderful
place-kicker to thank.

Here's to Pepper Ann,
who's really become one of the guys.

Yeah! And she belches like my grandpa!

She spits like a camel!

She walks like a sailor!

She looks like my Uncle Ernie!

MILO: What's wrong, P.A.?

I thought pineapple upside-down crust
was your favorite.

Milo, do I look like a girl to you?

Sure. I mean, you are a girl, right?

Right?

Yeah, but am I a feminine girl?

Remember how you guys once said that
my guylessness makes me more of a guy?

Well, your lack of girlness
just makes you...

What Milo means to say is that people
like you for who you are.

Not how you wear your hair,
or how you smell,

or how well you've mastered
the art of coquetry.

I knew it. I'm a macho mama.

Hey, not every woman
is destined to be the...

[SIGHS]
Fresno Grape Queen.

Again with the Grape Queen!
What is with all you guys?

Don't feel bad, P.A.

Womankind has blessed this world
with many different kinds of women.

The Grape Queen's one kind,
you're another.

What kind?

Well, she's the epitome of femininity,

the beautiful dream of every boy
and man in the Tri-Nut area.

While you're... you're...
scrappy.

You're more like a good bud. A real pal.

One of the guys.

One of the guys?!

I'll show you the epitome
of feminine beauty, mister.

I'll show you a face
like the soothing dawn.

As Fuzzy as my witness,
I will not go down in history

as "Pepper Ann Pearson, One of the Guys!"

Sternum bruised.

You want to enter a beauty pageant?

Many successful women got their start
by winning local beauty pageants.

Sherrie Spleen
was Miss Elephant Garlic '78.

Peppie, I don't like the message
those pageants send to young girls

about having to look
a certain way to fit in.

Oh, that's too bad,
'cause I would've needed a dress,

an elegant, beautiful evening gown.

I thought you might've
wanted to make it, but...

Food Barn is hosting a "Miss Bulk Foods"
pageant for 13 and under.

Word in the mall is that reigning champ
Nellie Lillywhite's dragging out

that tired old ventriloquist act
in the talent competition again.

The title is up for grabs!

We've got to get started right away!

Twenty-one. Twenty-one. Twenty-one.

Peppie, if we're going to win this thing,

we are going to need more
than just a great dress.

Like padding?

Like a coach.

MARGOT: There's nothing more important
in the world than beauty, my dear.

Women die for it. Men k*ll for it.

Nations fall for lack of it.

Well, just look at
the Republic of Uglytavia.

I've never heard of that country.

And you never will.

Let's see. Those shoes are perfect.

Perfect if you were competing
in the Miss Ragamuffin Riff-Raff pageant!

-But I like my...
-Do you want to win the title

of Miss Bulk Foods or don't you?

Then little missy,
you will be here after school every day.

We shall train the individuality
right out of you,

and make you a beauty queen!

I've got football practice after school.

Oh, my smelling salts!

Pepper Ann will come for training
before school.

[BOUNCY MUSIC PLAYING]

[GASPS]

[WHISTLING]

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

[GROANING]

[THUDS]

[PINGS]

COACH BRONSON: Pepper Ann,
I've noticed you've been a little

distracted lately.

Distracted?

Why, whatever do you mean? gInger sn*p?

Oh, a ginger...?
[STUTTERS] No, no, thanks.

Look, I don't need to tell you
that our most important game of the year

is next Friday.

And I just wanted to let you know that,

well, I have total and complete
faith in you.

-You do?
-COACH BRONSON: Yes.

Now I know there's going to be a lot
of pressure on you next Friday,

but I want you to forget about all that.

You just do your best, like you always do.

[GULPS]

This time next Friday night,

you will be collecting the title
of Miss Bulk Foods!

The pageant's next Friday?

How time flies when you're
beading a bodice!

Oh, I'm low on pearlettes!

What am I going to do?
I can't let the team down

but I've gotta win that pageant!

Pageant Shmageant.
Petroleum jelly on your teeth?

Trust me, it's no fun!

Fun? This isn't about fun!
It's about not being "one of the guys."

Face it,
you're going to have to quit something.

You can't be in two places at once!

BOB:
Introducing the beautiful girls of Bulk!

The kick is rolling, over.

After all, tomorrow is a Saturday!

[APPLAUSE]

MILO: Kicker needed for punt, over.

Roger that.

The evening gown competition is at hand.
Send her back now. Over.

Pearson,
you're up for the final field goal!

Everything's riding on you now, kid.
But, no pressure!

NICKY: Is she on her way yet?

Hey, relax.

Even if you miss,
you're still the coolest girl I know.

BOB: Presenting contestant number
one-six-zero, Pepper Ann Pearson!

Pepper Ann Pearson?

Where is Pepper Ann?

CROWD: Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!
Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!

Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!

[CHEERING]

SCOTTISH MAN:
That girl can kick like a mule!

Before we get to the winner
I have to announce a disqualification.

Contestant number one-six-zero,
Pepper Ann Pearson.

PEPPER ANN:
Did somebody say my name?

I entered this competition because
I wanted to prove that I was a real girl.

But maybe being a real girl
is more than walking

like you've got a book on your head
or sitting up straight.

It's about doing what you like to do,
and not worrying how you look doing it.

If that means I'm not cut out
to be a beauty queen, then so be it.

-[SOBBING]
-[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

[APPLAUSE]

And the winner is Nellie Lillywhite!

[CHUCKLING]

This is for all the naysayers
who said my talent program reeked!

Who's laughing now, baby?

[PEPPER ANN SIGHS]

Don't feel bad, sweetie.

You did a wonderful job.

And Nellie's talent program did reek,

but her father is the president
of Food Barn Enterprises.

If I ran a bulk food conglomerate,
I guess I could rig pageants, too, buddy!

It's okay.
I think my beauty queen days are over.

BUD: Beauty queens are boring,
if you ask me.

Bud? What are you doing here?

The team's going to the
Pigskin Pork Palace.

I thought you might be up for some,
baby back ribs?

Sure.

Peppie, you could wear the dress!

The dress? Peppie? Peppie!

[PEPPER ANN THEME SONG PLAYING]