04x13 - Bye, Bye Trinket/P.A.'s Pop Fly

[bunniefuu]

Who's that girl?
What's her name?

Is she cool?
Is she lame?

Oh, you're talking about what's her name

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Is she lame? Is she cool?

Is she breaking every rule?

Is she anybody's fool?

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million

Pepper Ann!
Pepper Ann!

Much too cool for seventh grade

Catch her if you can
Pepper Ann!

-BOY 1: Who?
-GIRL 1: Is that that girl from gym class?

-MOOSE: No, that's me.
-GIRL 1: Oh...

GIRL 2: Who is she and why does she have
her own song?

PEPPER ANN: Did someone take my lunch?

[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

Pepper Ann!
Pepper Ann!

Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann
She's like one in a million!

Pepper Ann!
Pepper Ann!

Much too cool for seventh grade
No one's cooler than Pepper Ann!

-She's her own biggest fan, Pepper Ann!
-Here's my remote control!

Catch her if you can, Pepper Ann!

...the boiling water.

It only gets hotter.

Marking the arrival of my one true love.

Thank you.

[APPLAUSE]

Thank you, Pepper Ann for your poem,

"Why Cheesy Mac Dinner Is Yummy."

You've shown wonderful progress
since your last piece,

"Peas Make Me Spew."

You, princess. You're up.

This poem is dedicated to my hero,
Tori Spelling,

who has triumphed despite
several unfortunate MOWs...

[PHONE RINGS]

Hi, Marie. Sure, put him through.

It's long distance.

Oh, well, then by all means.

Hi, Daddy. Really? I was?

Oh, this is just tres, tres fabé!

[CLICKS] Everyone?
I have an announcement.

I have just been accepted
to Philbert's most elite all-girls school,

Lycée D'école!

-[GASPS]
-[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Okay, can we get back to Tori?

That's right.
Lycée D'école!

Daddy feels that I should focus
on my studies without the distraction

-of the hottie factor.
-What can I say?

She certainly isn't the first girl
I've driven out of this school.

Yeah, uh-huh.

So, Trinket, you must be so sad
leaving all your friends behind.

Of course, I am.
But I'm ready for a change.

I mean, is it just me
or does it seem like we've been

in the seventh grade here
for a really long time?

[SNIFFS]

-[YELLS]
-[THUDS]

DIETER: Wait, your hair smells like roses!

-I can't believe it.
-Me neither.

They call this "Pennies from Heaven"?!

I can't find a single wiener slice
in my baked beans!

Pepper Ann!
I'm talking about Trinket leaving!

And I'm talking about
the wiener-to-bean ratio!

Curse my Hawaiian good looks.

NICKY: Pepper Ann, I'm worried about you.

Trinket's leaving and you don't have
any opinion on the subject.

-So?
-So?

You have an opinion on everything!
You spent the last two weekends

-picketing Dieter's deodorant.
-It smells like rotting apples.

You care more about a fruit roll-on
than Trinket?

Nicky, Trinket and I aren't good friends.
We never have been.

Why should I start acting like it
just 'cause she's leaving?

Wow.

Pepper Ann has just displayed
a perfectly appropriate

and healthy response to Trinket leaving.

Something's not right.

It's the blue-black hair.

Women dig the blue-black hair.

-TESSA: Trinket, you've been a...
-...sister to us.

-Except that...
-...you're a blonde.

And I wouldn't be caught dead
in those fabric nightmares

you call outfits, but why quibble?

Oh, Trinket!

-Does anyone smell...
-...rotting apples?

Admit it. You're gonna miss her.

[SCOFFS] You're as bad as Nicky.

But you've gone to school with Trinket
for seven years.

Think of all the good times you've shared.

Trick or treat.

Trick or loser.

The kiddie dive! Cool!

[SCOFFS] The kiddie dive. Lame.

Manage to move your hand
out of my face much?

How could I have been so foolish?
I've been all whatever,

about Trinket leaving
when I should've been all...

Celebrating!

I'm doing the dance of joy!
Yes, I am

-[PEPPER ANN SCATTING]
-[CISSY SOBBING]

Yes, I am

It's okay, Cissy.
I'll show you how it works.

You just grab the knob,
and you turn it like so...

Like, not that! Trinket!

I'm, like, not gonna be able to survive
without her.

No offense, Cissy,
but you can't survive without capri pants.

But, like, Trinket's different.

See, before I met Trinket,
she, like, had this pony.

And the pony was like her only friend
in the whole world.

Well, like, one day,
the pony went, like, you know...

[GARBLES]

and they had to, like, you know?

Yeah, yeah, long story short.

Well, when I met her,
she told me she had this fear

that the pony never knew
that she loved him.

But, I, like, reassured her
that it was gonna be okay.

And ever since then,
we've, like, shared this

totally powerful bond.

Is it possible Trinket
actually has emotions?

Fears? What if...
What if she's been trying to reach out

to me this whole time
and I was never there for her?

Trick or treat.

Take me with you!

The kiddie dive! Cool.

I'm scared, Pepper Ann. Help me.

Under this shallow exterior
lies a scared, lonely little girl

who needs the guidance of a wise person
such as yourself.

Please, won't you be my friend?

So I have misjudged her all these years!

Cissy, thank you for sharing
your beautiful story with me.

Thank you!

Or, was that like an episode
of "Highway To Heaven"?

Hmm...

NICKY: A good-bye party for Trinket?

PEPPER ANN: Don't you see?
This party is my last chance

to get to know the real Trinket
before she's gone.

But Pepper Ann, you were right before.

You and Trinket aren't good friends.

You don't need to throw her a party!

No, you were right!

Trinket's heart is the same color
as her gold card.

It's gold.

-I got it, thank you.
-Trust me, Nicky,

she wants me to throw her this party.

TRINKET: Let me get this straight.
You're throwing me a going away party?

Uh-huh!
We'll totally bond and hang out!

Now I've typed up my bio
for you to peruse before...

Yeah, yeah, okay,
but this party better be good.

Did you see that?
I think she almost hugged me!

It's coming, Milo. I can feel it.

-The mother of all misadventures.
-...or is it my supple olive skin?

[GROANS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[LAUGHS] There's my number one amiga!

Oh, I love that outfit!
It's like a one-piece kinda thing,

with the short sleeves,
what do you call that?

-A dress?
-A dress! 'Course it's a dress!

Now don't just stand there, come on in!

-[CHEERING]
-[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

So, Trinket...

you know what I was thinking
about the other day?

The time we were on the bus together
in the third grade

and I asked you for a piece of gum
and you said, "Sure" and I said, "Thanks."

That was nice, wasn't it?

Hey, look! The other side of the room!

Oh, silly!
Make yourself comfy!

We're getting to know each other!

Easy, Nicky.
Just 'cause some of P.A.'s parties

have been a little off,
doesn't mean this one will.

A little off?

Remember the one where we all got sick off
of her mom's deviled eggs?

The one where the crying girl
ran into a bee hive?

The Cinco De Mayo fiesta
with the horrible piñata incident?

Milo, are you even listening to me?

-It's the teeth. Definitely the teeth.
-Oh, forget it.

It's up to me to save this party
from disaster.

LYDIA: Who's ready for deviled eggs?

Miss Pearson! No!

...and so when I was five,
Moose was born and I had to deal

-with my feelings of jealousy by...
-Pepper Ann, can I go now?

In a minute.
This is where it gets good.

See, Mom bought me Steve the Cat,

but back then we called him
"Steve the Kitten,"

-and, um...
-Pepper Ann, I really don't care.

Trinket, I know I've hurt you but together
we can tear down this wall between us.

Okay, you are a freak!

[GASPS]

Hey, it's not like I mean
to drive these women away.

It's...It's just my curse.

Oh, that is so sad!

I just...I...I have to get some air!

[CRYING]

-NICKY: Look out!
-[BEES BUZZING]

Nothing's working.

How do guys bond with each other?

With the exception of sporting events
and bachelor parties,

we basically bottle up our feelings
'til we die.

Hey, where's Nicky?
She could be helping out, you know!

P.A., maybe you're trying to force
a friendship with Trinket

that was never meant to be.

I mean, who ever said
you had to be everyone's amiga?

Of course!
I know exactly how to bond with Trinket!

Hey Trinket!
Whadaya say you and me take turns

whacking the good-bye piñata?

Pepper Ann! No!

-[THUDS]
-[CRINKLING]

-TESSA: Hey Pepper Ann, great...
-VANESSA: ...party

Mm-hmm. Great.

Nicky, I said I was sorry.
It's just...you came out of nowhere.

It's all right, Pepper Ann.

I hear Ms. Stark is casting
"Pirates of Penzance", so, lucky me!

[SIGHS] I guess you were right, Milo.

Trinket and I were never meant to be
good friends

You couldn't have figured out that out
before the party?

Well, actually, I did have it figured out

until you steered me down the wrong path

with that whole
"caring about Trinket" talk.

But, I forgive you.

[GROANS]

Trinket and I
are just two different people.

Still, I hope she's having fun
at her new school.

TRINKET: Don't you just love croquet?

Especially when you hire someone else
to play for you.

-[SIGHS] Isn't that a laugh?
-Like I'd play myself?

I don't know about you guys,
but I'm about ready

-for a Swedish body wrap.
-STUDENT: Fabulous, idea.

-Oh, sign me up.
-Oh, definitely wrap me up.

-I'll call ahead for an appointment.
-[PHONE BEEPING]

MAN: We're sorry,
but cellular calls cannot be placed

from your present location.

You are out of range.

[SCREAMING]

All right, poetry time. Who's next?

Well, someone has to go.

There's three months left
in the semester.

Hi, everyone, did ya miss me?

-[CLAPPING]
-Yeah, baby! The Kamalani curse is broken!

Trinket? What are you doing back?

Let's just say I'm not quite up
for living off the cellular grid.

Besides, I gave it some thought,

and I realized how much my presence here
would be missed.

I like presents!

Outta my seat, rotting-apple boy!

Sorry I was such a freak
at your good-bye party.

It's fine.

Just don't think because I'm back
we're gonna start hanging out.

[DIETER SNIFFING]

Believe me, I wouldn't dream of it.

[BELL RINGING]

Hey, Pepper Ann.
Trinket's welcome back party...

Friday night, your place.

What? Why me?

Duh! Because you and Trinket
are such good friends.

I mean, why else would you have thrown her
such an awesome going away party?

[SIGHS] I can't believe
I have to throw Trinket another party.

Party?

[SOBS]

Uh, Pepper Ann, if you wanna throw me
another party, just don't wear that.

Nicky, quit your crying,
you're a pre-teen!

Dieter, you stretched out my desk.

Milo, when are you gonna wash that beanie?

Tessa? Vanessa?
Wide leg pants are out.

Cissy? [CLICKS]

It's good to have her back.

[INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC PLAYING]

FOB: Shelby "Gelby" Schwartz-Strickmeyer
began his career in Crumble, Pennsylvania,

on a minor league team
called the Crumble Cormorants.

He pitched, he was a catcher,
he manned third,

and he was often required
to sell hot dogs

and play left field simultaneously.

On Sundays he worked
in the team owner's coal mine.

For all this, he was paid one barrel
of vegetable oil every two weeks.

Why did he do it?
He did it for the love of the game.

-[BANGS]
-Well, that was then, this is now.

The "Patron Saint of the Street Shot"
isn't in the minor leagues anymore.

He's about to hit a major league milestone
with the Hazelnut Hazelbacks.

And he's just one solid swing away
from his 700th home run!

Hi, everybody, I'm Fob Piotrowski.
Stay with us!

LYDIA: Moose! Time to go!

Move your keister, sister!

And now, for something not boring.

I'll tell Dad hi for ya!

Too bad you have to go
to the Safety Equipment Expo

while we're off having fun!

Peppie, I begged Mom to take me.

They have kneepads that scream in agony
when you hit 'em.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Yes!

We're gonna have an awesome day, Dad!
What're we gonna do?

Blading? Deep-sea fishing?
Some kind of fantasy camp?

Pepper Ann, my daughter,
applesauce of my eye...

how would you feel about
a baseball game?

[GASPS]

I know, the only sports you like are
soccer and women's professional wrestling.

I like 'em, too.
Heck, I have a Mama Destructo cake tin.

But baseball, Peppie.
Baseball is something I love.

Something I think you could love, too.

One of the best days of my life
was that miracle Monday

when I hit a grand slam
to win the Inter-Zeppelin Championships,

back in '93.

Baseball gave me that moment.

Gelby Strickmeyer has been playing
for 20 years.

Today he might hit his 700th home run.
Good heavens, we have tickets!

Can we also have all-you-can-eat-churros?

[TIRES SCREECH]

[ORGAN PLAYING]

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

Dad, this place is huge!

FOB: It's a beautiful day here
at Sanipaper Park

as we get ready to start
this possibly historic game.

-Oh, Peppie, the churro burro! Do you...
-[SHUSHES] First pitch!

-[CHEERING]
-FOB: This could be it!

This could be Gelby Strickmeyer's
700th homer!

It's going, going...

Oh, and it's plucked out
of the air by Gianakis!

[ALL SIGH]

You stink, Gianakis!

FOB: Boom! Boom!
The Hazelbacks turn two!

-Hold up on dinner, ma...
-[CHEERING]

FOB: ...this one's goin' into
extra innings!

It's the bottom of the twelfth,
Gelby is at bat.

A homer could tie it.

Take a deep breath, folks,
here comes the pitch.

It's going, going...

-It's gone!
-[CRASHING]

-[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
-[CROWD CHEERING]

Hey, Mr. Pearson!
People are saying that ball

you and your daughter caught
is worth a fortune!

It's like you won the lottery!
How does it feel?

Well, um...it beats a kick in the teeth.

[LAUGHTER]

What about you, little girl?

How's it feel to have made
the biggest catch in Hazelnut history?

Ask me how it feels to be
at the biggest game in Hazelnut history

and still miss the end!

[LAUGHTER]

I'll, uh...turn the set on for ya.

[INHALES] ...oxygen.
Folks, I have never passed out

during a broadcast before,

but that was easily
the most exciting ending

I've ever seen in my 28 years
of broadcasting.

[INHALES] Once more, final score,
Hazelbacks, 9, Piñon Falls Pachyderms, 8.

For Channel Six Sports,
I'm Fob... [INHALES] ...Piotrowski.

Godspeed.

This press conference is over!

-MAN: Pepper Ann!
-WOMAN: Pepper Ann!

REPORTER: Will you name the ball?
If you were a tree what type would you be?

MAN: Don't answer that.
You tell 'em what type a tree you are

and they'll walk all over you.

Tom Molly, ICSM Sports Management.

You have a genuine sports legend
in your left hand,

and I don't mean some sort of...
[LAUGHS] ... atomic-sized Babe Ruth.

-I do?
-You do.

That ball is a superstar
that needs representation.

For a ten percent cut of the action,
I'll line up a buyer that'll lay down

the Benjamins big time.
Lemme give you a lift home.

I drove.

I'll have one of my PASCAR clients
take your car home for you.

They just love drivin'.

[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK]

We're in the stadium during one
of the greatest games ever played

and we miss the final inning.

[GROANS]

Well, it won't happen again
when you have box seats

and a private stadium parking place!

How am I getting those?

There's lots of people
whose love of baseball

translates into tremendous cash outlays.

-Think about it.
-Hmm...

And, Chuck, you could send
your little girl to a real college.

A college with ivy-covered buildings
and a losing football team.

Hmm...

Plus, you can have lots of fun
with hundreds of thousands of dollars.

[GROANS] I'm so bored.
I hate waiting for movies to start.

Cool! Look!

GIRL 3: Check it!

She's got an Irker-2600 laser pointer!

That girl knows how to twirl!

Thank you, Mr. Schwartz-Strickmeyer,
you are so good to me.

But were you good to me, Pepper Ann?

That ball wasn't just a collector's item.

It's evidence of a single,
beautiful moment

when I achieved something only a handful
of people have achieved before.

Of...

PEPPER ANN: Oh, sorry.

It was a moment I've been waiting for
my whole life.

You took that moment and cashed it in
for a novelty item

that you're not supposed to use
in a movie theater.

USHER: The disillusioned ballplayer
on the screen is right.

No laser pointing in the theater!

There, Dean Memminger,
all the papers are in order.

[LAUGHS]

Of course I can afford
to send my daughter to Princeton.

You see,
I'm rich from selling a rare baseball.

Jake, remind me not to drink the water
in Hazelnut.

[PINGS]

We'll take it.

Shouldn't we wait until we sell the ball
and get the money?

translates Oh, pish-posh.

Observe, the miracle of credit cards!

I won't get the bill
until after we sell the ball.

But I don't want to sell the ball!

The exit is that way.

I just have this feeling
like the ball doesn't really belong to us.

It wouldn't be worth anything
if it wasn't for Gelby working so hard,

and he was the one who hit the ball
and I think it's his ball.

But it's tradition that the fans
get to keep home runs.

That's why after a homer,
legendary announcer Cent Mulder

would always say,
"And a lucky fan takes home a souvenir

courtesy of the Hazelnut Hazelbacks!"

Peppie, I understand what you're saying,
and it's noble.

But, Gelby probably expected that
whoever caught the ball would sell it.

This ball means financial security.

If we sell the ball,

we won't have to worry
about money ever again.

It's the smart thing to do, Peppie.

So, how's your lasertarium coming,
my little Pepulah?

I think it needs a fog machine.

-[THUDDING]
-Your father's here!

Oh! Oops.

Why thank you.

I guess I must have hit the latch shut
with my foot.

[LAUGHS]

You ready to go, Peppie?

Uh-huh.
Oh, yeah, I almost forgot.

I found your "Miracle Monday" ball
up here.

It's the one you hit the grand slam with.

But after that fight
over the gourmet ketchup, you...

You said you flushed it down
the toilet, Lydia.

[STAMMERS] It wouldn't flush.

I always planned to give it back.

Yoo-hoo! Are we going, Dad?

Mm-hmm... [GROANS] ...Woah!

[CHUCKLES] I think you'll find this offer
quite generous.

[GULPS] Listen, don't pelt me with celery
and tell me it's a shiatsu.

Let's try again, shall we?

Dad, check out the range
on Tom's Irker-5000!

Peppie, it's like the...
the history of baseball here!

There's Casey Stengel's chaw,
and a vial of Roberto Alomar's spit!

-And, look, a hot dog signed by Rod Carew!
-What's that?

[CHIMES TWINKLING]

[JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING]

Try some more zeroes on the end, Dutch.

You know, I plan to exhibit the ball
in a museum.

This isn't some vanity buy.

You can't make it all about money.

Oh? Really?

Ticket? Cash!

Hot dog? Cash!
That moment?

That beautiful moment
when we all saw Gelby slip

the surly bounds of earth
and hit his 700th homer?

Cash!

Everyone in the park paid
to be there to see it!

Hmm...

I'll give you a hundred dollars
for this dollar, Tom.

I don't think so, Chuck.

This is the first dollar I ever made
in the agent game.

I was an intern
and I got Mickey Mantle a latte.

-I'll give you two hundred dollars.
-No sale. It means too much to me.

That's the same reason
why we can't sell the ball.

Are you trying to collapse my other lung?

[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC
PLAYING]

-Dad, are you sure?
-You bet'cha.

-[GASPING]
-[YELLS]

When Tom flipped over his desk,

I picked up one of his contact cards
off the floor.

So, while you were getting the burgers,

I made a call.

-Shelby "Gelby" Schwartz-Strickmeyer?
-Pleased to meet you, Pepper Ann.

Here, Gelby.
I believe this belongs to you.

Thank you, Chuck, Pepper Ann.

I can't tell you
how much this means to me.

[SOBBING] I promised myself
I wouldn't do this...

Since you folks gave me the one thing
that represents my whole career,

I'd like to give you something
from the beginning of it,

one of the barrels of vegetable oil
I was paid when I started out.

I'd also like the whole family
to be my personal guests

for the rest of the season.

I'll see ya at the stadium.

-[ENGINE RATTLING]
-[HORNS TOOTING]

I kinda wish we coulda kept the ball.
It was such a cool piece of history.

Here. It may not be cool, but, uh...

Well, it is a piece of history.

Actually, in some ways,
it's sorta cooler.

Thanks, Dad.

Well, since we have so much oil,

Chuck, would you like to stay for lunch?

-I'll make fritters!
-I sure would.

LYDIA: Well, you know what they say,
the older the oil,

the crisper the fritter.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC STOPS]