01x05 - Phil In The Blank

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

♪ On the road to glory ♪

♪ Ain't no turning back ♪

♪ It's got to be
the Mighty Ducks ♪

♪ On a quack attack! ♪

♪ Look out, clear the way ♪

♪ The Ducks are here to play! ♪

♪ Ducks rock! ♪

[fans cheering]

[c.speakerTop]♪ Ducks rock! ♪

♪ Mighty Ducks! ♪

♪ Here come the Mighty Ducks ♪

♪ Burning up the ice! ♪

♪ Just try and stop
the Mighty Ducks ♪

♪ And you're gonna
pay the price! ♪

♪ Here come the Mighty Ducks ♪

♪ Fighting for the gold! ♪

♪ Let's hear it
for the Mighty Ducks ♪

♪ Time to rock and roll! ♪

♪ Let's go ♪

♪ Let's go! ♪

♪ Ducks rock! ♪

♪ Mighty Ducks! Ducks rock! ♪

♪ Let's hear it
for the Mighty Ducks! ♪

♪ Mighty Ducks! ♪

[Lord Dragaunus]
You miserable piece of junk!

You failed me!

Ah, I'm sensing hostility here.

Why don't you reach inside
and get in touch

with your true feelings, man?

I'll reach inside and get in
touch with your spleen

if you don't start
getting me results.

Well, I can see you're busy.

You have had months
to locate Bellarium crystals.

Lord Dragaunus, I fear
it is a hopeless quest.

I must have those crystals.

The Raptor's engines
won't function without them.

If you can't find fuel
for the old engines,

maybe you should find
new engines.

I monitored this broadcast
a few minutes ago.

[man on TV] Liftoff is
scheduled this evening

for Orbital Industries' new
Mass Acceleration Multi-Module

Orbital Thrust vehicle,
the MAMMOTH rocket.

Yes. We could steal that ship.

And install it's engines
in the Raptor.

And the ducks will come after us
as they always do.

Something terminal must happen
to those miserable mallards.

No doubt they're plotting
against me even as we speak.

-[grunts]
-[growling]

-Wack 'em, Nosedive.
-[grunts]

-sh**t, Tanya.
-[grunts]

Who else is gonna get
your ice-cream endorsed

by six alien ducks, huh?

I'm the man!

So what flavor do you
want' em to show?

-[Ducks bickering]
-Ja-mocha-homem duck?

They'll love it!

Hey! You guys wanna
keep it down here?

I'm trying to make us
a last buck.

Call you back, Booby. Hey,
I'm making major deals here.

I got a slew of personal
appearances lined up for you.

But I'm getting
zero cooperation.

That does it. I'm out of here.

Serves me right.

Getting mixed up
with an animal act.

I'll go somewhere
where I can work in peace.

[humming]

[straining and
continues humming]

♪ Making money, making... ♪

-Boo.
-[screams] You nearly scared me

half... to death.

Only half? Pity.

You're one of those
Saurian guys.

So, you need a manager?

I summon the powers
of the ancient Saurians

to control your mind.

Ha! Nobody controls
this boy's...

Yes, master.

Whenever you hear the phrase
"roast duck,"

you'll do as you're told.

Otherwise, you will act normally
and remember nothing.

Remember nothing.

Now, with this bugging device,
I will hear everything.

Now, for the revised schedule...

Listen, you ignorant baboon,

the Mighty Ducks must follow
my schedule precisely.

It's a matter of life...
and death.

[laughing]

Okay, Grin, get in position
to practice the air-hockey play.

Remember nothing.
Remember nothing.

What was I supposed to remember?
Oh, yeah. Remember nothing.

Tanya, are you sure
this is gonna work?

If he hits it at precisely
the right angle,

there's a really good chance
it might work.

Yo, Grin! Here it comes.

The puck and I are one. [grunts]

[exclaims] Maybe I ought
to run those calculations

one more time.

Phil! Phil, are you okay?

Creamed by my own team?

I'll sue myself for damages.

He's okay.

Nothing. Not even a bump.

[howling] Oh, the pain!

The pain!

You guys owe me. Oh, my head!

You're absolutely right.

What can we do
to make it up to you, Phil?

Well, there is the little matter

of those public appearances.

[shouts] Oh! Hey,
rad dads and daredevil-ettes.

It's time for Reckless Behavior.

The sports show
with more brawn than brain.

Whoa!

Okay, so basically, you want us
to go mountain climbing

and snowboarding,
and hang gliding,

in what, like, a raging storm?

Only a complete idiot
would do something like that.

[laughing] This is gnarly.

-See what I mean?
-We owe it to Phil.

[stammering] The weather's
getting worse.

I'm thinking
we should call it off.

Yeah, I hate to say it,
but maybe you're right.

[cellphone ringing]

[Wraith] Roast duck.
Whatever happens,

those ducks must go through
with this stunt.

[Phil] Yes, master.

Hey, bubbala. The ducks
can handle a little snow.

Where they come from,
it snows all the time.

All right, then.

And... action!

Oh! Now let's watch
today's guests

get into some
reckless behavior. [laughs]

Introducing those hockey maniacs
from another dimension,

the Mighty Ducks!

Go for broke bird, folk.

It's a race to the bottom.
Last one down's a rotten duck.

[laughs] I just made that up.

A few well placed mystic bolts

and there'll be nothing left
but some singed feathers.

Yeah. And our cover'd be blown.

My way, it'll look like they
were nailed by an act of nature.

Say adiosto our fowl friends.
[laughing]

Ducks, there's a whole bunch
of mountain headed this way.

It's a... [stammering]
an avalanche!

[Wildwing]
Right! What she said, man!

Hey, Wildwing.
Next time we go on TV,

lets make it one
on the Home Shopping Channels!

Evasive maneuvers, now!

Oh, mama.
That has got to hurt, huh?

Pain is an illusion.

[groans] An illusion
that really, really hurts.

[screams]

Whoa! What are those
Saurian slime-ba*ls doing here?

Keep down, you fool.

You want one of the humans
to see you?

Relax. In this storm,
no one can see anything.

Oh, yeah? Here comes no one.

[yelps] Rock!

[screaming]

Obviously, we weren't as
inconspicuous as you thought.

Doesn't matter.

By now, that is
one pressed duck.

You better hope so.

I dread being in your shoes

if your foul-up
prevented Dragaunus

from stealing the MAMMOTH.

Stealing the what?

This is gonna leave a bruise.
[screaming]

Phew!
Everybody still in one piece?

[sighs] We're cool.

Wait a minute. Where's Nosedive?

[screaming]

Dive? Dive, are you okay?

Mommy, I don't want to go
to pre-school. [moans]

[Chameleon] Don't mind me.
I'm just your normal,

everyday NASA worker,

here to install
a remote-controlled device.

Houston, we do not
have a problem. [chuckles]

We are out of here.

Okay, boss. You've got
complete control of the rocket.

-Use it in good health.
-Perfect.

Now, not even
the Mighty Ducks can stop me.

[laughing]

[Nosedive moaning and mumbling]

Mammoth...

How's he doing?

Well, you know,
that would depend on

how much he enjoys concussions.

Money, money money.
I'm losing money.

I'm gonna sue those television
people for every penny they got.

How can they let a whole
mountain fall down like that?

[cellphone ringing]

Yeah, yeah. What do you want?

Roast duck.

[gulps]
What is thy bidding, master?

The ducks' next appearance
has been relocated.

The new address,

They will be reluctant to leave.
One of them was injured.

But they must go.
It's a school fundraiser

for the little children.

The little...
[sobbing] children?

That's it. I'm cancelling the
rest of the public appearances.

But, the little children!

I think Phil finally made
one deal too many.

What's the matter with you?

You can't miss
the school fundraiser? [sobbing]

It'll let down
all those poor kids.

[bawling]

Well, if it means
that much to you.

You're a prince, Wildwing.
You won't regret this.

Commence launch sequence.

[alarm sounding]

Full power to thrusters.

This is a school?

Grin, double-check
our coordinates.

[Duke] Some school.
The cafeteria's got a full bar.

[Mallory] Yeah, and the
teacher's got a tattoo.

Be nice. Some of these kids
have been held back.

We don't serve no freaks here.

Well, maybe these nice folks
can tell us where the school is.

Well, lookie what we got here.

A mother hen
and a flock of chicks.

Whoa. Forget it, Phil.
We don't want any trouble.

Relax. I'll use
my people skills on 'em.

We're doomed.

-Hey, hermanos.
-[exclaims]

Oh! [groaning]

-Hey, Let him go!
-Back off, weirdos.

Or your friend
winds up in trash.

[expl*si*n]

Stand clear, earthlings.

No!

Hunter drones.

It's a trap.

Surrender or perish.

Try none of the above,
bit for brains.

Don't worry. The ducks will
stop those drones.

-You promise?
-[choking] I promise, I promise.

Wanna check out
my greatest hits?

Ah, music to my ears.

You know, I'd love to chat
over a cup of coffee,

but we better keep
this conversation to the point.

There's too many of them.

Destroy the ducks.

You guys are really starting
to disrupt my inner tranquility.

[grunting]

Ah, I feel more
peaceful already.

[mumbling] Mammoth...
[stammering] Mammoth.

Whoa! Wide awake.
Hey, we got a problem.

What? What is it?

On the mountain,
I saw Siege and Wraith, right.

And they were talking
about stealing a mammoth.

Oh, stealing an extinct
woolly elephant?

[chuckles] That's ridicu--
That's ridi-- That's silly.

[man on TV] Takeoff is less
than an hour away

for the new MAMMOTH rocket.

But a rocket,
now that makes sense.

I bet Dragaunus
wants it's thrusters.

I better alert Wildwing.

Shine it, girlfriend.
We can handle it.

We got to get over
to the launch pad mui prontiola.

[Wildwing] That's it.
No more publicity stunts.

It's just an autograph signing
at a fireworks factory.

What could possibly go wrong?

Forget it, Phil.

-[cellphone ringing]
-Now what?

[Wraith] Roast duck.

Dragaunus' hunter drones
could not have been

at that place by accident.

Every one of these appearances
has been a trap.

Somebody's been setting us up.

Somebody who knows our schedule.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute.
You don't mean... Phil?

And why not?
He'd sell himself out

if there were an angle to it.

Phil may be kind of un-evolved,

-but he's not evil.
-[Phil grunting]

Destroy the ducks!
Destroy the ducks!

-You were saying?
-We're going down!


Destroy the ducks!

Destroy the ducks!

What's with the sudden negative
attitude, my little friend?

Look at his eyes.

It's like he's under
some kind of mind control.

How? Phil doesn't have
a mind to control.

Hang on, everybody.

This is gonna be
just a little bit bumpy.

Hey, everybody all right?

[struggling] Let me go!
Let me go!

What the heck is goin' on?

Dragaunus was controlling
your mind

to get at us.

I've been used? I hate that!

It's supposed to be
the other way around.

If the Saurians got to him,
they could be jamming our comms.

And I think I found out how.

Come in, Wildwing.

[Wildwing] Where the heck
are you guys?

We're at the, uh, Orbital
Industries launch facility.

Dragaunus is about to steal this
really big rocket they got here.

That would explain why Dragaunus
had Phil run us ragged all day.

And nobody uses
Phil Palmfeather.

It's payback time!

I'm gonna make shoes
out of those two big lizards.

[Wildwing] Come on,
we'll take the Migrator.

The ducks are heading
toward the launch facility.

Chameleon!

Yeesh. Can't a guy even take
a bath around here?

-[squeaking]
-Aw, nice ducky.

[Dragaunus] Shut up!

Get over to Orbital Industries

and stop those duckies!

-[squeaking]
-[growling]

What on earth is that?

Halt!

You're on private property.

Uh-oh.

The Chameleon.

Attention!

Now listen, men.
I am taking charge!

[stammering] Uh, yes, sir.

[over PA] Attention, ducks!

This is General
George S. Chameleon.

And I intend to blow
your tail feathers back to...

If I didn't know better,
I'd say that was the Chameleon.

Duke, get us out of here, now.

You feather-brains
are never getting in here.

Do you hear me?

I repeat... never! Ahhh!

[struggling] Hey, I was just
doing a bad impression.

That's not a crime.

Roast... duck.

Forget it,
you stinkin' dino-trash.

You'll never work
in this town again.

Talk to my agent, earthling.

[laughs] Beautiful, Phil.

You took on the Chameleon.

Yeah, I did. Didn't I?

[on PA] Eight, seven...

-You gotta cancel the launch.
-...Five, four...

Countdown terminated.
Launch postponed.

That's what you think.

[rumbling]

What the blazes?

Nosedive, where are you?

A thousand feet up and climbing!

I gotta use that jet.

But it's a prototype.
It hasn't even been tested.

It's gonna be.

Can he really fly that thing?

Relax, Goomba, there's nothing
you can tell a duck

about flying.

Sorry.

Okay. Well, the good news is

Dragaunus is no longer
controlling the rocket.

And, uh, the bad news?

[Tanya]
Nobody's controlling the rocket!

[groans] Tanya, I told you
to bring the parachutes.

No, you did not.

Oh, well, next time
I'll send a memo.

Oh, I know. Let's jump

and hope we hit a pillow factory
or some salt water.

What, are you nuts?

You know it!

-Death drop!
-Whoo!

[screaming]

-[Nosedive] Whoo-hoo!
-[both grunt]

Don't you ever pull
a stunt like that again!

Don't knock it. It worked.

Hang on, guys. We're going home.

Well, now that you understand
what a menace those g*ons are,

we can skip
all the publicity stunts.

Come on, come on.
What are you talking about?

I've got all this stuff
lined up.

You're going to be
grand marshals

of the Anaheim
sewer worker's parade.

Your own exercise video,
"Wings of Steel."

Guest of honor
at the celebrity duck hunt.

Well, scratch that. Okay.

Hey! Hey, let me out of here!

Come on, guys!

-[phone ringing]
-[Phil] Hello.

[Wraith] Roast duck.

[Phil]
That doesn't work anymore.

[Wraith] I know.
I'm ordering take-out.

[Phil] Oh, great. In that case,
give me some Moo Shu pork...

No, no, no, no.
Give me the Moo Shu vegetable.

I'm trying to drop
a few pounds here.

[theme music playing]