05x03 - Carmello/Too Cool to be Mom

[bunniefuu]

SINGER: Who's that girl?
What's her name?

Is she cool?
Is she lame?

SINGER:
Oh, you're talking about what's her name

-SINGER: Pepper Ann!
-SINGER: Pepper Ann!

SINGER: Is she lame? Is she cool?

Is she breaking every rule?

Is she anybody's fool?

-Pepper Ann!
-SINGER: Pepper Ann!

SINGER: Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million

Pepper Ann!
Pepper Ann!

Much too cool for seventh grade

Catch her if you can
Pepper Ann!

-BOY: Who?
-GIRL: Is that that girl from gym class?

BOY: No, that's me.

GIRL: Who is she and why does she have
her own song?

BOY: Did someone take my lunch?

SINGER: Pepper Ann!
Pepper Ann!

Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann
She's like one in a million!

Pepper Ann!
Pepper Ann!

Much too cool for seventh grade
No one's cooler than Pepper Ann!

-She's her own biggest fan, Pepper Ann!
-Look! A French poodle!

Catch her if you can, Pepper Ann!

It is with great pride

that I award the Nobel Prize for Medicine

to my former pupil,
Doctor Pepper Ann Pearson

for discovering a cure for dorkiness!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'd like to thank Mr. Carter for making me
the scientific genius I am today,

and, of course, to Dieter Lederhosen
for inspiring me

to develop a cure for this sad
and socially stigmatizing affliction.

Bless you, Pepper Ann. Bless you!

What are you doing, Pepper Ann?

[CHUCKLES] Just checking
on Chimpy and Bim, my sea apes.

Boy, they sure don't look anything
like they do on the package.

Yeah. Why aren't they wearing suits
or carrying purses?

Okey-dokey class, it's time to learn

the basic building block
of all medical study... Anatomy.

Finally! We get to dissect a frog!

Goodbye, textbook.
Hello, 3-D gross-a-rama!

Anatomy is not gross, Pepper Ann.

By studying the internal workings
of the frog,

it can help us better understand
Mother Nature's marvels,

and bring scientists ever closer
to tomorrow's medical miracles.

It'll be a medical miracle
if I don't hurl.

The frog specimens arrived this morning.

We'll be dissecting them
in class on Monday.

Now kids, any student who doesn't feel
comfortable dissecting the frogs

can sign a waiver and watch the film

From Poppies to Forget-Me-Nots,
A Celebration of Our State Flowers.

It's a good one.

Thank the maker!

I'm surprised that you,
given the option of watching a movie,

actually want to do the dissection!

Are you kidding? My scalpel's primed!

I mean, ordinarily, yes, I've been known
to take the easy way out,

but this is science!
I'm gonna win the Nobel Prize someday,

and that's not gonna happen
watching some flower film.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

Mr. Carter?

Here's your waiver, Pearson.
All pre-stamped, ready to go.

No thanks. I was wondering if I could take
a frog home over the weekend.

Well, these frogs
are for scientific study, Pearson.

-They are not pets.
-Who needs a pet? I've got sea apes!

I'm not taking the easy way out
this time. Look!

I'm doing a serious behavioral study
on the frog before I examine its anatomy.

-It's perfectly scientific!
-All right then. But don't get attached.

After all, you're going to be
dissecting it on Monday!

Not to worry. Future Nobel Prize winners
don't get "attached."

I must say, your dedication
to the anatomical sciences

is impressive, Pepper Ann.

Hop away, little dude. Hippety split!

Why, oh why, did they have to be alive?

Milo, you have to realize
that we can learn more

by studying the living system of an animal
than we could from a preserved specimen.

The medical advancements alone
might save thousands of lives!

That's why I've decided
to do the dissection,

even though I, like you,
respect the sanctity of all living things.

Well, yeah, that.
But mostly guts make me woozy.

Well, I'm gonna go study the frog a bit,

then I'll catch you later
to crunch some Pods!

What's cookin,' Mamacita?

I thought we'd have
"build-a-better-burrito" night!

I've got a better idea.
How 'bout building better frog legs!

-[CROAKS]
-[SCREAMS]

What is that slimy thing
doing in my kitchen!?

This "slimy thing's" my golden ticket
to scientific acclaim!

Well, get it out of here and keep it
in your room, tout suite!

All right, my little specimen,
let's get this study rolling.

Subject, amphibian.

Appearance, bumpy, slimy skin,
bulbous eyes,

and long hind legs suitable for jumping!

Subject exhibits interesting selectivity,
the classic bowler-hatted Fuzzy

over Fuzzy from episode two
of the Fuzzopia trilogy.

When kissed...
the subject does not turn into a prince.

Which, of course, I already knew,

but it's important to prove
these things scientifically

and...you can't blame a girl for trying.

-Well, that's enough science for today.
-[CROAKS]

-Did you say something?
-[CROAKS]

That's not possible. You're just a frog.

You don't even know I'm talking to you.

-[CROAKS]
-[LAUGHS]

Okay, Frog, if you understand
what I'm saying, ribbit once.

-[CROAKS]
-[GASPS]

You do understand me!

You're a smart little guy.
I should give you a name.

I mean, scientists name animals
all the time when they study them.

You need something suave...debonair.

Something like... "Carmello."

-[CROAKS]
-[GRUNTS]

My shields are damaged!

PA, are you aware
that you've got a frog on your head?

It's all part of my research.
I'm observing the effect

of flashing lights and phaser sounds
on my study subject.

And then Carmello jumps on my game,
activating the secret code sequence

for the Photon Ball!

I've been trying to figure out
that code for months!

Can I take your order?

I'll have a slice
with mini meat medallions.

The veggie delight, please.

Double pepperoni,
and do you have any flies?

Yeah, there's a bunch in the kitchen.

So, I thought it might be fun
to take Carmello bowling tomorrow!

I don't know if it was such a good idea
naming him, Pepper Ann.

After all, the closer you get to him,
the harder it's going to be to...

Mr. Carter assured us
it's going to be done

in a manner that's painless and humane

and I'll thank you not to bring this up
in front of him!

MOOSE: Stupid Ice Thoron.

When will he learn that no one can best
Amphibiac and his power tongue?

PEPPER ANN: Carmello is not a toy, Moose.
He's a scientific specimen

that's getting dissected on Monday,
so don't get attached.

[CROAKS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[GROWLS]

And off they went to Lake Toady.

[CROAKS]

[SCREAMS]

PEPPER ANN: Mom! You're scaring Carmello!

[GRUNTS]

-Marco!
-[CROAKS]

-Marco!
-[CROAKS]

-Marco!
-[CROAKS]

What a weekend!
I wish it never had to end.

You are one cool frog, Carmello,
but this is bigger than both of us.

I can't let my personal feelings get
in the way of the advancement of science!

I mean, you'd do the same thing
if you were in my shoes, wouldn't you?

[CROAKS]

[YAWNS] [GASPS]

[SCREAMS]

This is the worst part.
They always look so cute.

I hear they taste like chicken.

[SCREAMS]

Why did I take it home
over the weekend?!

[GASPS]

I gotta lay off the Choco-volcano
before bedtime.

LYDIA: Rise and shine, Peppie!

Chin up, Carmello, if you had a chin.

Today you're about to make
the greatest sacrifice a frog can make.

NICKY: Isn't this exciting, Pepper Ann?

Budding young scientists and doctors

about to discover the wonders
of the living body!

Once you've placed the frog in the jar,
drop in a chloroform cotton ball

and seal the jar with the lid.
[MAKES SOUND] Like that.

It's been fun, Carmello,
but this is something I have to do.

I mean, if you weren't
a science experiment frog,

you'd probably already be roadkill, right?

[CROAKS]

I gave you a whole weekend of love
and this is all for a purpose, right?

It's better this way right? Right!?

Say something!

[CROAKS]

PEPPER ANN:
Can I please have a waiver, Mr. Carter?

MAN: Here we see a road crew mowing over
the Texas state flower, the bluebonnet.

As the blades rip through the tender
flower petals, the seeds scatter.

Some say they can actually hear
the bluebonnets scream for their lives

with the approach of the lawnmower!

Savages!

[SOBBING]

I'm a failure.
I'll never win the Nobel prize now.

Unless they give one for being a failure.

MAN: Good-bye.

How am I supposed to finish my research
on ze evolution of strudel anatomy

if I keep getting logged off zis thing!

[GRUNTS]

Anatomy...scalpel-free!

Time to put the old computer skills
to good use.

Hello, Virtua Frog!

Everyone, pass your dissecting kits
forward for disposal.

And just to see if you were paying
attention during the dissection,

here's a little pop quiz
on the anatomy of the frog!

Pepper Ann, this is a pop quiz
for those who did the frog dissection.

I did the dissection,
but I did it on the computer!

Well, all right.
But don't come cryin' to me if you b*mb!

What if I don't b*mb?

Then you could start using
the computer dissection as an option

instead of that disturbing
state flower film, right?

I suppose so.

I knew every answer!

My place in the annals of scientific
achievement is secure!

-I aced frog guts!
-[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

[SIGHS] Carmello would be so proud.

[GASPS] Carmello! Where's Carmello?!

Pepper Ann,
I've got something to tell you...

No! Someone dissected Carmello!

Actually, Carmello is fine.
I put him in the terrarium.

-[CARMELO CROAKS]
-What?

Well, why did you have to go
and freak me out?

Although Carmello escaped harm,

I'm afraid Chimpy and Bim
weren't so lucky.

I guess when you were gone,
Carmello got hungry.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-[BURPS]
-[GASPS]

Don't feel bad, Pepper Ann.

This is just another reminder that we're
all part of the great circle of life.

Chimpy...Bim Bim...I hardly knew 'ya.

[LAWN MOWER REVVING]

MILO: Worry not, fair state flora!

This mower's going to the bottom
of Lake Tammy!

[LAUGHS]

That's school property, you hoodlum!

-Java Nutt?
-Sounds good.

Do you think her hair'll be up
or, like, down?

Down. No, up... no, down?
No, definitely up. Oh, my gosh!

What if it's cut into...a bob!

[GIGGLES] This is so great!

Do you think she'll be
in her roofless car thingy?

Who? Supermodel Mindy?
Sherrie Spleen?

Clowny Appleseed's glamorous assistant,
Slappy Mae?

Denise! Denise is coming!

[GASPS]

Denise is coming!

-Say again?
-Who's Denise?

I don't know.
I thought you guys would know!

[CAR ENGINE REVVING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

What's up, y'all?

Girl has got it going on!
She is da ba-zomb! Who is she?

Hi, Mom!

[GASPS]

-Mom?
-No, it's me Nic-ky.

I'm here with your old friend Mi-lo.

Denise is Constance's mom?!

That's impossible. Mom's aren't cool.

Give me one other example
of cool Mom-ness.

-Well...
-How 'bout...

And how is it possible that we never
noticed this alleged "Mom" before?

Apparently she's often out of town.
Dieter said she dances on Solid Silver.

DENISE: Party over here!

[CHEERING]

[GASPS]
No, they didn't.

That is one funky mother.

Electric slide aside,
I still say that hanging with your mother

is downright unnatural.

Maybe hanging with your mother is,
but Denise Goldman is the...

What? My mom is every bit as cool
as Denise Goldman and you know it!

There's no better dishy
than baked up fishy.

[BURPS]

Peppie? Are you feeling okay?

Mom, if I told you this snapper
was really..."bad,"

would you get my meaning?

Why? Does it smell funny?
Moose, spit it out...spit it out!

Mom! Nowadays "bad" means "good,"

as in "that's one bad monster truck."

Oh, well in that case,
thank you very much!

I'm telling you, Nicky, my mom has
serious Denise Goldman potential!

I detected it tonight at dinner.

I told her the fish was bad
and she almost high-fived me.

But your Mother's cooking isn't bad,
it's quite good.

I'm serious, Nicky.
Now give her some props!

Pepper Ann,
I give props where props are due.

And your mom is a lot
of truly wonderful things!

But Denise Goldman, she's not.

I see no reason why Constance
should be the only kid with a cool mom!

I see no reason why I shouldn't have
my own resident best friend!

And in closing, I see no reason why my mom
can't totally hang with our posse!

-I didn't even know we had a posse.
-Well, we do!

And it just got one Pearson stronger!

Shake a tail feather, Pepulah!
You're gonna be late.

Lyd, you're never gonna guess
what I just found out!

Pink Eye Pete has a crush on Trinket,

and he plans to wink at her
with his good eye after fifth period!

Can you believe?

Why are you telling me this, Peppie?

Mom! How can you ask me that?
I thought we were homegirls!

-You know, best friends?
-Of course, honey!

Of course we are!
My little homey home pigeon!

-Drive me to school, girlfriend?
-Okey-dokey, artichokey!

You're not going like that, are you?

I don't know, Peppie.

Mom! Trust me, you are stylin'!

And tomorrow, you can pick out my clothes

providing you don't pick something
totally lame. That's what best friends do!

[SIGHS] Best friends.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

What a refreshing summer's breeze.

Mom, sometimes I don't feel so...

What is it, kitten?
You can tell me anything.

Your hopes, dreams, fears, pet peeves,
reactions to current events.

That's what best friends are for!

Best friends.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

All the people in the house say, "yeah"!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

GIRL: Yeah!

Oh, yeah!

LYDIA:
We're here, Peppie. Let's go. School's on.

Thanks for the lift, Mom.
That was really fun.

Let's hang after school too, 'kay?
Around 3:00? And don't lose the hat!

It's off da hook! Believe that! Bye!

"Off da hook?!"

TRINKET: I'm dying to see that new
horror movie, Public Pool Piranhas!

Like, that movie is Rated R?

We can't see it unless we're accompanied
by a parent or legal guardian?

I bet Denise'll sneak us in.

Your mom is the absolute coolest!

The Lydster will score the tickets.

She's way into horror!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Your mom, Pepper Ann?

She would never do something
that... that...

What? Cool, Constie?
Well, wake up and smell the Pearson!

My mom is all that and a bag of chips.

It's like she's the little sister
I never had! No offense.

So, that's great Lydia, but...
what's with the hat?

Oh, well, I know it's not really me but...
I just thought, whatever it takes

to make this friendship with Peppie work!

She thinks it's off da hook!

-[LAUGHS]
-[RINGS]

Sorry, Janie. I've got to go meet
Peppie and posse. Up high!

-Please!
-Now listen up, Peppie!

I may be cool, we may be homies,
but taking you and your friends

to a Rated R movie is out of the question.
Period, exclamation point, the end.

Fine, be a total "Mom"!

How about Brain Dead instead?

Oh, well now you're talking!
I'm up with that.

Down with that, Mom. Down.

The Lydster had her heart set
on some Crunch Pod.

She's way into...Crunch Pod!

Lyd? What's up with the tunage?

I'm sorry, Peppie.

I didn't mean to jam up the vibe
for you and your peeps.

But, what if there was
an emergency vehicle approaching?

It's downright irresponsible!

The Lydster is way into responsibility...

You almost beat Denise. She's the best.

-Play again, Mom.
-Sorry, Peppie.

But I'm all crunched out.

I really need to get home,
and defrost a chicken wheel,

see what Moose has in the way
of weekend homework...

Could you be more mom-ish?

I know! Why doesn't everyone
come hang at my house?

We can have a slumber party!

The Lydster is way into slumber.

We'll be there.

No nagging, no nudging, no neuroses.
Just plain old, best friend-type fun.

-Check.
-Okay. Scenario number one.

Trinket suggests we throw on her new
Poison Pancreas CD and crank it up.

You say...what?

"Kick it girl, let's wake the neighbors,
bada bing?"

"Poison Pancreas" is a reject band
from the '80s!

They don't even have a CD!
That was a trick question!

Oh, whoopsy! [CHUCKLES]

Denise Goldman would've known that.

Well, that stuff is all well and good, but
let's have some real girlfriend chit-chat!

What's it like being a youngster today?
What kind of stress do you face?

Mom! You're totally passing her house!
That was it on the right!

[TIRES SCREECHES]

Glad we had this talk.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

LYDIA: Careful! Careful!
Too much "ha" pretty soon, "boo hoo".

WOMAN: It's no use...dolphins and mermaids
were never meant to be together!

Isn't it so sad?

Not as sad as your gums are gonna be
if you fall asleep without flossing.

Those corn kernels are bad.

And I don't mean good-bad but bad-bad!

Never mind.

The room smelled like death and as
the girl gripped the cold doorknob,

knowing exactly what she'd find...

Oh, I'm sure it's nothing, dear.

Creak went the door.

Mom, you're scaring me!

But this isn't even the scary part.
The girl plowed on.

Opening the closet door, a flesh-eating
monster rushed out to devour her!

[TRINKET SCREAMS]

I have a kernel stuck in my teeth!

Six thousand dollars’ worth
of orthodontic work is about to be ruined!

-[GASPING]
-[SCREAMS]

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

Who's up for some Contortie?

Trinket, use my floss.
Cissy, one, two, three!

Constance, breathe into the pillowcase!

Denise, break out the Contortie,
everything is under control!

Now how about we all have some milk
and cookies to take the edge off?

I'll get jiffy with it!
Chocolate chunk cookies, ready in a flash.

Your mom's the best!

Yeah.

Constance, if you'd like, I can start
carrying dental floss and, you know,

-start baking cookies, and...
-Give it up, Denise.

[SCOFFS] I heard that!

Now who's up for a screening
of The Fuzzy Terror Picture Show?

We need to talk.

Peppie, I'm sorry if I ruined
your slumber party, but the jig is up!

I'll admit it was fun
being your homegirl for a day,

but I'm not in middle school anymore!

I'm afraid we're just going to have
to go back to being mother and daughter...

PEPPER ANN:
A-okay with me, Lydster. I mean, Mom.

MILO: I was thinking we could go
cruising with The Lydster

-and then maybe check out the...
-Hate to break the news,

but The Lydster is no more.
She retired her crop top

and went back to being just
plain old regular Mom.

But what about our posse!?

We had a posse?

[LAUGHTER]

[MUSIC PLAYING]