05x10 - That's My Mama Destructo/Unhappy Campers

[bunniefuu]

SINGER: Who's that girl?
What's her name?

Is she cool?
Is she lame?

Oh, you're talking about what's her name

-Pepper Ann!
-SINGER: Pepper Ann!

SINGER: Is she lame? Is she cool?

Is she breaking every rule?

Is she anybody's fool?

-Pepper Ann!
-SINGER: Pepper Ann!

SINGER: Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million

Pepper Ann!
Pepper Ann!

Much too cool for seventh grade

Catch her if you can
Pepper Ann!

-BOY: Who?
-GIRL: Is that that girl from gym class?

BOY: No, that's me.

GIRL: Who is she and why does she have
her own song?

BOY: Did someone take my lunch?

SINGER: Pepper Ann!
Pepper Ann!

Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann
She's like one in a million!

Pepper Ann!
Pepper Ann!

Much too cool for seventh grade
No one's cooler than Pepper Ann!

She's her own biggest fan, Pepper Ann!

-Catch her if you can, Pepper Ann!
-A gold tooth.

KENT: Welcome back to the Gaping
Monumental Association of Wrestling

that's Gaping MAW's
Saturday Night Slam Nation!

I'm Kent Brackle. Before we go,

just a reminder, tune in next week to

"Ruptured Spleen Revenge"

with Flying Elbowina vs. the Embalmer!

But now, what we've all been waiting for,

the winner of our "Tuffstitute Teacher"
contest is

Pepper Ann Pearson of Hazelnut, USA!

Pepper Ann!

Pepper Ann!

Pepper Ann!

Yes, yes, yes!

Yes! Pepper Ann Pearson gets
to have her least favorite teacher

sent to lovely Aruba for two weeks

while Gaping MAW champion Mama Destructo
takes over their class!

Best of all, Mama Destructo
will be residing at the Pearson house

throughout her stay!

What?

Pearson!

I'm preemptively issuing you
detention slips for the rest of the year!

Pop quiz, Pepper Ann!

Recite the numbers in pi! You fail!

See you in summer school.

Well, hold on,
because I'm gonna make you clap erasers

or unbend paper clips or eat stew.

What can I do to be your least
favorite teacher? What?

Oh. You guys want to win the trip.

I can't choose...
you're all my least favorite!

I'll pick a name out of a hat
or something.

The winner of the fabulous
two-week Aruba vacation is...

Ms. Stark.

Finally, the wheel of fate spins
in Abriola's favor.

In your face, Roland!

Tell Mama to enjoy teaching math.
I'm off to get my groove back!

[GRUNTING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Chill, peeps...

Chill!

Students and teachers, please give it up

for the Grande Dame
of the Abdominal Suplex...

Mama Destructo!

[CROWD CHEERING]

Hi. A lot of people have asked me
why I agreed to this

Tuffstitute Teacher contest.

The answer is Miss Elaine Inglebritson.

-MAN: Who's Miss Elaine Inglebritson?
-My sixth-grade teacher.

Without her, Mama Destructo would have
just been a large, badly coifed lump

of wasted potential and ignorance.

And let me tell you something ignorance,
I will defeat you!

I'm gonna twist you
into a figure four leglock

and send you cryin' to your papa!

You're going to go into my classroom
and get embarrassed!

Just try something, ignorance!
Just try it!

[GRUNTING]

[SCREAMS]

Mama Destructo!

[STUDENTS CHEERING]

Question time. Who enjoys TV?

Who enjoys auto travel
or packages sold by weight not volume?

Well, none of these things
would be possible without mathematics!

[GASPS]

From now on, call me Mama Instructo.

Let's get it on.

X equals three? Try one.

Okay, But I'm pretty sure
X equals three, Mama Destructo.

Instructo, and it's time
for some instructin'... Oh, yeah!

[SCREAMS]

What are you doing?

Listen up, people!
There are rules to this class!

If I throw a wrestling move down on you,
you gotta react,

just like in the ring or on a talk show!

Let's just not try it at home, huh?

Now Constance, I'm going to throw you
a fake flying elbow.

You toss your head back,
and you groan in agony.

Okay, time for some instructin'! Oh, yeah!

[GROANS]

Good job on the head throw!

But horrible, horrible math! Sit down.

Now where did she go wrong?

I have no idea. But I do know
that eight times five equals 42,

so X has to equal one.

[LAUGHS] Eight times five equals 40.

You want a bowl of pain
from mama's kitchen?

Now what's eight times five?

NICKY: Eight times five equals...

[RETCHING] ...42?

So, she's a little rusty
with the multiplication tables, but...

NICKY: Rusty with the multiplication
tables? [TOILET FLUSHING]

She's a math teacher!

A teacher vested with the sacred task
of shaping

the very mathematical future of this land!

Eight times five equals 42...

[GAGS] Excuse me.

Do you want me to hold your hair?

I tell ya, during that match,
we all found out why knees

are not supposed to bend that way.

Oh, Mama, you're a guest.
Now you just stop working this instant!

No!

Mama always does her part.

Okay. I'll go get the ketchup tureen.

I'm glad you won the contest, Pepper Ann.
I love Hazelnut Middle School.

You know, I came up with
the Tuffstitute Teacher contest.

-Really?
-Miss Inglebritson.

She knew her stuff backwards and forwards

and she knew how to cram it
into our heads.

I hope I can be half the teacher she was.

You are. You're a good teacher.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[GLASS BREAKING]

-[CAT MEOWS]
-Ow.

Eight times five equals?


We all know that six times six
equals 39, right? So...

Excuse me, Mama. May I be excused?

Sorry, but I can't wait for you
to get back.

This is a very important lesson
why you should never divide

any number by more than 15.

Listen to me.
Your math is making me violently ill.

Listen to me!

If you wanna stick your head
out the window, then have at it!

You are no friend to education.

So, why you should never divide
anything by fif...

I said out the window, Little!
Out the window!

MOM: Moose! Peppie!
Mama Destructo. Dinner!

-You gotta say something to Mama.
-About what?

Come on. She teaches wrong math,
and she doesn't even do it well.

When people mess up,
she puts them in screaming headlocks.

She may be one of your heroes,
but she's not a math teacher.

Okay, okay, I brought her into HMS.

I guess I gotta be the one
to take her out.

Mama, please pass the ambrosia!

Thank you!

X equals 305!

[SCREAMS]

-Like that?
-Yes! Great sole-slam reaction!

You're really coming along.

But learn your Pythagorean theory-em!

Three angles of a right-angled triangle
equal 430!

NICKY: 180! They equal 180! You're wrong!

You asked for it, Little...

You can't body slam the truth, Mama!

That's it, Missy!
To Principal Hickey's office.

If you're not going to abide
the rules of this class

and throw your head back and fake scream,
you're outta here!

Gladly.

[BELL RINGS]

MAMA: What's the matter, kid?

Well, there's someone
I need stand up to, but I can't.

[GRUNTS]

I can't believe it.
Someone as scrappy as you

not being able to stand up to someone?

-You think I'm scrappy?
-Dang straight.

And scrappy is as scrappy do.
Do it. Stand up to this person.

The strength is inside you. I know it!
So, can you do it!? Can you!?

Yes! You're a horrible teacher!

You teach math wrong!

And you're impatient!
And you don't know how to add!

I am so glad to get that off my chest.

Mama? Mama?

PEPPER ANN:
Mama Destru... Mama Instructo! Wait!

My mom told me that you were here.
Where are you going?

I'm going to rejoin the "Some Body Slam
to Love" tour.

I'm no teacher. It was a stupid dream.

It wasn't stupid! Come with me.
I need to show you something.

Guys.

CONSTANCE: Ladies and gentlemen, prepare
for the Hazelnut Middle School Smash!

Here's Loco Milo Konkalani
versus De Dieter Destroyer!

[BOTH GRUNTING]

What is this?

What you taught us. I was wrong.

You're a good teacher, Mama Instructo.

It's math that isn't your strong point.
But wrestling is!

When you've taught us about that,
you've been great!

Give up math.

But don't give up your dream
of being a teacher.

But I treated Nicky so badly,

and all she was doing
was sticking up for math.

Sure, but she bears no ill will.

Do you really think I can teach?

So, will you stay?

No. But I'll see you soon.

...Two, three! Good!

Just try to arch your back more
when you're doing a swingbuster.

It'll give you more leverage.

Mama thought she had to be in a classroom
to make her dreams of teaching come true,

when all along, all she had to do
was stay in the ring.

Next match,
Nicky Little versus Shelf McClain!

-Take him, Nicky!
-Give the Shelf a colander of pain!

Come on, Nicky, let's go.

[CHEERING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

All right, just like we rehearsed.

-Nobody make any loud noise...
-NICKY: Pepper Ann? Milo?!

Shh! You're going to ruin our plan!

That's what I came to tell you!
Give it up! It'll never work!

Nicky, Nicky, Nicky.

I have spent three years
putting together this plan.

It took me two months
just to get Alex Trebek on board.

Let's do this.

So, the three musketeers
are up to their usual shenanigans.

Principal Hickey,
we were just trying to...

Quiet, Pearson.
I don't care what you were trying to do.

You were up to no good
and must be punished.

ALEX: Come on, Herbert,
they're just kids having fun.

You were young once too! Remember?

Frankly, I would've expected more
out of you, Trebek.

After all, you're a grown man.

Unfortunately,
I have no jurisdiction over you.

You're free to go.

Sorry, guys. I'm going
to the musk ox farm this weekend,

would you like come?

I can't. The French club's
having another one

of their pointless bake sales.

Nobody in Hazelnut knows what brioche is!

Ah, brioche, le pain des dieux.

The bread of the gods, you know.

Now, back to the business at hand.

Right, I'll just report to detention...

Put your rear back in your seat, Pearson.

There will be no detention this time.

We have a new program here
at Hazelnut Middle School.

Some of our bleeding-heart
liberal parents have decided

that your delinquent anti-social behavior

is somehow linked to "low self-esteem,"

and what you really need is

team-building skills.

You three are going to spend
your whole weekend at Camp Sunflower,

boosting your alleged low self-esteem
through hiking, camping

and general communing with nature.

Principal Hickey, did I mention
that I was in no way involved

with this particular shenanigan?

Report to Camp Sunflower
this weekend, Little,

or you're going to get a mark
on your permanent record!

[GASPS]

MILO: "Camp Sunflower's activities include
camping, bird watching,

and horseback riding
on our 300 pristine acres."

This is so unfair.
I shouldn't even be he...

Did you say horseback riding?

See? Thanks to me,
we're getting a free vacation!

WOMAN: Welcome to Camp Sunflower, maggots!

All right, delinquents,
we're gonna whip you into shape

and make you upstanding members
of society!

The compass' metal needle is magnetically
compelled to point north.

If you find yourself lost without food,

shoe leather is a low-fat and nutritious
alternative for sustenance.

With a little imagination,
it tastes like jerky!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

WOMAN: Kamalani! Speed it up
or you're emptying the latrines tonight!

[GROANING]

What happened to the camping?
The general communing with nature?

I think it was all a ruse to get
the school to fund this horrible place.

Guys, we've gotta escape, tonight!

Word in the latrines is they're sending us

on a one-way march
through the woods tomorrow!

Bring it on. I'm ready to meet my maker.

Don't talk like that, Nicky!

We've gone this far,
we can go all the way.

We just have to do it together.

All for one and one for all, right?

[SCREAMS]

You've come a long way, troops,
but there's one more challenge

left for you to face
before you are truly rehabilitated.

You're going into the woods here

and coming out at the rendezvous point
marked on your maps.

A van will be waiting there
to escort you all home.

Now, I think it's a pantywaist thing
to do,

but the school is requiring me
to outfit all of you with cell phones

just in case you get lost.

If you've been paying attention
to your survival training,

you'll have no problems.
Good luck, worm scum!

PEPPER ANN: See, this part isn't so bad.
Aren't you glad we stayed?

I suppose so.

[WHISTLING]

Come on, little guy, take it!

Shoo! Off!

Milo, have you figured out
which way to go?

I think I'm sick of this nature stuff.

Yep. We just go west, and we should be
at the rendezvous point

-in about 10 minutes.
-Thank goodness.

I can't wait to eat real food again!
Steamed vegetables...

Pizza from the Greasy 'n Cheesy.

Native nuts and berries.

Milo, we've been walking for over an hour.
Are you sure we're going the right way?

That's what the map said.

Maybe we'd better double-check.

Guys, I think I've lost the map.

We're gonna die out here like dogs!

Get a hold of yourself, man!
We've got a cell phone, remember?

Gimme the cell phone, Nicky.

Right. The cell phone.
Don't you have it, Pepper Ann?

What?! You didn't trust either of us
with it so you put it in your bag.

I'm afraid I left it back at camp.

This is so unlike me.
I'm usually so relia...

[SCREAMS]

Game over, man! Game over!

Quit it, Milo!
There's plenty of daylight left.

We can still find our way out.

But we have to keep our cool
and work together!

Pepper Ann's right!
Besides, we still have a compass.

If we just head west,
we should find our way home in no time.

Does this look familiar to you guys?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

It's the same squirrel.

The same squirrel!

I think we've walked in a circle.

That's impossible!
We've been walking west this entire time!

I made sure we followed
the compass exactly!

Wait a minute...
This compass is made of...

Plastic! It's just a toy!

It is? Oh.

What's going on, Pepper Ann?

I kinda, sorta, broke the compass.

But Cap'n Creepy cereal
had this free toy in every box, so...

It's gonna be dark in a couple of hours.

We have no tent, we're all hungry

and the only food we have
is one bag of trail mix.

If something happens to me,

I want you guys to eat
my Italian leather man-purse.

It's a good thing I paid attention
during survival training.

Too much leaf mold?

Any luck?

I caught one, and he offered me
three wishes if I let him go!

We're saved!

We should probably build a dwelling
of some sort before it gets dark.

See? We worked together,\

and look what we made. A shanty!

They'll send someone out looking for us
by tomorrow morning.

We'll be fine.

[SCREAMING]

-Did you feel that?
-What?

[SCREAMS]

Look what you did
just because of a rodent!

Now, we have no place to sleep!

Well, if you hadn't broken the compass,
we wouldn't be here right now!

Well, if you had trusted one of us
to hold the phone,

-this wouldn't have happened!
-You want a piece of me?

Wait! What happened
to all for one and one for all?

-Can it, map loser!
-Cry baby!

-Scaredy-cat!
-Pantywaist!

You two think you know it all!
I'm sick of both of you!

And when I said you could eat
my Italian leather man-purse?

Well, I take it back!
Let the worms have it!

-Look what you've done!
-Me?!

You're the one that drove him away!

You're the one that ruined the shanty!

You're the one that got us stuck here!

Fine, if that's the way you feel,
then I'm outie!

Nicky?

[OWL HOOTING]

MILO: It's too late now.

But if I could do it all over again,
I'd apologize to my best friends,

Nicky and Milo.

They wouldn't even be in this mess
if it weren't for me.

Frankly, squirrel, I don't even know
why they're friends with me.

But I'm glad they are or were.

-NICKY: Cut the melodrama, will ya?
-PEPPER ANN: Nicky! You came back!

Either I'm frightfully codependent,
or we're best friends after all.

[SCREAMS]

Milo! It sounds like he's in trouble!

-All for one...
-...And one for all...

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I can't see a thing...

-Alex Trebek?!
-Are you okay?

-I've been looking all over for you.
-We're fine, but...

Milo, we said horrible things to him,
and he ran away!

Actually, Milo's fine.
He sent me to look for you.

-He's okay?
-Where is he?

Thattaway.

No! It can't be!

MILO: Yahoo! Yahoo!

Hey, guys! Yee-haw!

[CHEERING]

You mean, all this time we were
just a few feet away from civilization?

Yeah. You're lucky it's Sunday.
The whole town is here line dancing.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

MOM: Peppie! Oh, I was so worried!

Are you all right? What happened?

It was awful.
We were supposed to work as a team,

but then we got lost.
Luckily, Alex Trebek found us.

Boy, it was real scary for a...

You must be Lydia Pearson.
I've heard so much about you,

but Pepper Ann neglected to mention
how lovely you are.

So, Mom, you've got to talk to Hickey,

'cause I don't want to get a mark
on my permanent record...

Peppie, I'm talking to Mr. Trebek.

Right. But since technically
I didn't finish the camp...

Not now, Peppie!

Lydia, would you like to join me
in a little line dancing?

I'd love to!

Have you ever seen a musk ox?
They have the most amazing fur.

MOM: Really?! I'll take "tell me more"
for a thousand, Alex.

[MUSIC PLAYING]