So I said,
"If opposing counsel's
"invoking fiduciary
liability precedent
"under the terms of
Landgraf v. Henson,
"Your Honor, please,
by all means, go ahead,
"rescind the plaintiff's
de facto petition
"for injunctive relief."
- It was fun. It was fun.
- Yeah.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
I'll be right back.
So funny.
"Injunctive relief."
That tickled my funny bone.
What's up, Nick?
f*cking sucks d*ck
about Grandma?
Yeah.
Old woman f*cking
m*rder*d like that.
Nick, she had cancer.
We'll never
know the truth.
- We absolutely know the truth.
- Yeah.
Grandma had cancer
for 10 years.
You don't just die
from cancer, Jason!
Calm down...
I'll see you at the
crossroads, Grandma.
What are you doing? Are you kidding me?
Right now?
Hey, get your
sh*t together!
My dad and my fiancee
are literally standing
right next to us.
- Beyonce's here?
- No.
What is that?
- What are you doing?
- I'm just...
Are you f*cking
high right now?
No, this isn't...
- You're high as a kite!
- It's an e-cigarette.
It's filled
with a little weed,
but it's an e-cigarette.
Grow up, man!
What are you doing?
"Grow up"?
How adult are you?
What, do you listen
to NPR in your Volvo?
You play racquetball
competitively
against business
associates?
No. No.
You ever go away
to a rented house
with other couples
and then play Scattergories
over a bottle of white wine?
Jason.
I just blew a shot at
your grandma's memory.
Poor Grandpa...
Our first reading
is from Deuteronomy 30:19.
"This day I call
the heavens and the earth
"as a witness against you..."
"...that I have set before you
life and death..."
Hey, babe, I found the tie
you're going to wear
to the rehearsal
brunch Sunday.
Do you like the coral
color or the salmon?
"...that the race
is not to the swift..."
Either one.
"...nor the battle
to the strong."
Babe, what's wrong?
Coral or salmon?
Well, what do you like?
I mean...
I like the coral.
That's what
I was going to say, too.
- Okay, cool. Okay.
- Okay.
Coral it is!
It's going to be
a special day.
"...now choose life,
"so that you
and your children shall live."
Anyway, I'm down
in Valdosta right now.
I opened up
a f*cking pet shop...
Not pet shop,
"puppy mill."
Puppy mill...
You know, designer dogs
get a bad name,
but they can go
for quite a pretty penny.
Really?
It's just hard
to get them to mate.
Because the little dogs,
they don't wanna
f*ck the big dogs,
and the big dogs, they don't
wanna f*ck the little dogs...
So I gotta manually
do it, you know.
I gotta spread
and manually sh**t in.
So, what's up with you?
Well, I'm keeping
pretty busy...
Cool.
Hey, Diane,
- how's it going?
- Hi, Nick.
Hey, Nick.
I just don't understand
why you have
to drive down to Florida
tomorrow already, Dad!
We just had the funeral.
Your grandmother
and I were there
at this time
every year.
It's what
she would have wanted.
I'd drive down myself,
except they took
my license away.
But why does Jason have
to be the one to drive you?
He's so busy at work...
Got the wedding
coming up next weekend,
the rehearsal brunch.
You know, the entire law
firm is coming to this.
- It's true, Grandpa.
- Jason...
We have a lot of stuff,
Meredith and I...
I'll handle it.
Go ahead.
How about Cousin Nick?
Dad?
Why doesn't Nick do it?
We got this chocolate Lab
down at the store
that is just so horny,
every time I touch
the back of its ear,
it just gushes c*m.
- Okay.
- I mean, like a squirting...
Is that your dog?
Nick isn't
legally allowed
to leave the state
of Georgia anymore.
I've barely seen this guy
since high school.
What's wrong with spending
some time with him?
So spending time
with family
is suddenly
important to you now?
Look, he can come here
tomorrow morning
for breakfast.
We can drive down
to Boca during the day,
maybe play a round
of golf or two,
then he'd be back here
in Atlanta the next day.
He can't just
flake off for two days!
The risk versus reward
here is just...
I don't see it happening.
It's what she would
have wanted, that's all.
But if you have to get
ready for your wedding,
if you're that busy...
I just don't understand
why he wants you to take him.
You're not even that close.
Well, we used to be.
Grandpa and I got along
growing up.
We used to build these
model trains every Christmas,
so I brought him...
Well, it seems like
we're cutting it
a little close
here, you know,
with the rehearsal
brunch on Friday...
I know. I know.
And by the way,
I can't find any
of the Martha's Vineyard
vacation photos
for the slide show.
I'm just freaking out.
That's because
they're on my laptop,
which I've got right here.
So I'll send them
to the wedding planner.
You don't have to worry
about anything.
Thanks.
And your dad says take 75,
because 16 takes forever.
Yeah, I know. He's got
it all mapped out for me.
And can you take
my car, sweetie?
I need
the SUV for the wine.
Grandpa?
Grandpa?
Grandpa?
Hey! You made it!
Give me a minute...
God! sh*t!
Grab my a*s!
- You ready to hit the road?
- I'm really sorry, Grandpa.
I didn't think
you'd be doing that.
So you caught me
taking a number three.
Big deal, right?
Number three?
Have a drink.
...No.
I'm driving, so...
I just got to finish up
my exercises,
and then we'll
hop on 16 to 95.
Dad says we should take 75 to 95.
It's more direct.
Dad's full of sh*t.
Grandpa, are you
sure you're okay?
Thanks for doing this,
by the way.
Those f*ck
down at the DMV
took my g*dd*mn
license away
because of these f*cking
cataracts in my eye.
But I can still
hit the sh*t
out of a golf ball,
that's for sure!
I made a tee time
for us in Florida
for this afternoon.
You can use your
grandmother's lady clubs,
they're right there
by the front door.
Okay.
All right,
you ready?
I thought the plan was
to have breakfast here?
That's your breakfast.
Now let's go get in that
giant labia you drove up in
and get the f*ck
out of here.
You sure I should be driving
with this, Grandpa?
Don't worry,
if you spill it,
this giant tampon we're
driving in should soak it up.
Just finishing
a work email
for the Steinhart
file...
So you're a lawyer at your
dad's firm now, is that right?
That's right,
and Meredith is too.
You know,
her dad is one of
the managing
partners there, so...
- I know, that's...
- Yeah.
It couldn't have
worked out better.
Because it's just
that I remember
when you were
in high school,
you told me how much you
wanted to be a photographer,
travel the world.
That sort of thing.
You remember when
I got you that subscription
to Time magazine?
Yeah, I used to be into
photography, but...
I mean, with Dad being
at the firm, pfft,
it just made
so much more sense
to focus on
a college curriculum
that stressed
the law school track.
I mean, I love what I do,
Grandpa.
Being a corporate lawyer
is awesome,
I get to handle
SEC compliance...
No sh*t!
Yeah. Yeah.
You handle SEC compliance?
LP agreements.
Man, I didn't know that.
LLC agreements.
You're sh1tting me!
Being a corporate lawyer,
it's got its upsides.
You know what
I'd rather do?
What?
I'd rather let Queen Latifah
sh*t in my mouth
from a f*cking
hot air balloon.
That's me. I'm gonna hit the
liquor store over there,
get some more
of the creature.
Meet you back
at the Dildomobile in five.
You're paying the check,
Alan d*uche-owitz.
Where do I know that guy from?
He looks so familiar.
He looks like Abercrombie
f*cked Fitch.
Yeah,
while J.Crew J'd-off.
sh*t! No, you guys, he was...
It's so funny.
He was my lab partner
in photography class,
freshman year.
No sh*t!
He's a Florida alum?
Lenore, you can totally
finish the trifecta.
My God, I already
have alum, remember?
I f*cked that crying
divorced guy, Tony.
- With the big ba*ls.
- Right. Yeah.
- In the porta-potty.
- Yeah.
- At the tailgate.
- Yeah.
I need a professor.
Wait, I'm sorry.
What's the trifecta again?
It's this thing
I read about
where in my senior year
I have to f*ck a freshman,
an alumni,
and a professor.
- Where did you read that?
- In my diary.
- Where I wrote it...
- Yeah.
He used to take the most
beautiful portraits
without using any filters
or Photoshop...
I've read your diary.
He was amazing.
My God, you did?
- Yeah.
- Did you like it?
You guys aren't listening.
I'm gonna go say hi to him.
- Okay?
- sl*t...
I hope you don't get
Tommy Hilfingered.
That was really late,
but it still counts.
Just like
all my periods...
- Ew.
- What?
Hi. How are you?
Good. Here you go,
you can keep the change.
No, no, no.
I'm not... You...
Okay.
Guys?
Guys, listen to me.
What?
- Let's go.
- b*tch, what?
- Shut the f*ck up! Go!
- My God!
You all set?
Yeah, I just gave my money
to the other waitress, sorry.
There is no
other waitress.
I'm the only one who's
ever worked here. Ever...
sh*t! The f*cking piece
of sh*t car never starts!
Hey!
Hey!
God, he's like
a Mitt Romney Terminator.
Excuse me!
Sorry, my shift is actually over, so...
Sorry...
- No way.
- What?
I know you.
No.
Yeah, I do. You were
in my photography class.
You took all those
landscapes. Right?
Shadia.
Yeah. Shadia.
Holy sh*t,
you're Shadia?
- Yeah. Shadia.
- Shadia.
Jamba!
What the f*ck!
Shadia. It means
"singer" in Arabic.
Or in ancient Arabic,
"al-munshida
alati tunadi lel-mei."
Or, "she whose name
calls others to water."
That's actually right.
Shadia,
this is my...
Dr. Richards. I teach history
at the University of Georgia.
You're a professor?
Yeah. Why? You looking
for some extra credit?
Jason and I are doing
a story on the Middle East.
He's a photographer
for Time magazine.
You know, I lost my virginity
at my pop-pop's bingo night.
My name's Lenore.
"The rare
and radiant maiden
"whom the angels
named Lenore"
"Quoth the Raven,
'Nevermore'"
Diplomaticos?
Hey, you know your cigars.
What are you,
half Cuban or something?
Actually, I am, Professor.
- The bottom half.
- Okay.
- Okay, yeah, we're heading out.
- Yeah.
Good to see you. We're going
to Daytona Beach for the week.
My God, and we
should have been there
three f*cking hours ago,
so let's go, b*tches!
Holy sh*t.
What?
Nothing.
You're just really g*y.
Am I?
Thanks, Captain Gaydar.
Jesus! You know,
I'm also black, right?
Yeah, I know.
That's funny too.
So you guys wanna tag
along for a bit maybe?
Party some babies
into us?
- Absolutely not!
- Absolutely not!
Why?
We have
- a very important tee time.
- Of course you do.
And do you also have to take a
nap before you play Mahjong?
- No, it's shuffleboard.
- Shuffleboard.
And then early
dinner at 4:00.
We have a long-standing
bet. Who's the better golfer.
Obviously I've got
the bigger 3-wood...
Good. Maybe you can use it
to hit your ba*ls
right into my vag*na.
- Holy sh*t!
- Okay, we're going inside now.
- Jesus!
- Let's go. That's enough.
- Bye, Professor.
- Thanks for lunch.
Peace!
- Nice girl.
- Yeah.
Well? How do I look?
Like the keynote speaker at
a buttfucking convention.
- What?
- What?
- What?
- What?
We're gonna write
in the first hole,
it's an easy par-4.
- No, no, no, no. Hey...
- Jump in.
This is against
the rules, Grandpa.
f*ck the rules.
Jump in. Come on.
Not to mention,
a breach in golf etiquette.
Beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep!
- Hey!
- Out of my way, buttfuckers!
Really? What are you doing?
We gotta get this guy
to his buttfucking convention.
What are you
trying to do, man?
What was that all about?
Hey. Now there's
a million-dollar swing!
I'm sorry!
You can go in front of us
if you want to.
We are not very good.
No, it's a good cut,
you're just not bending
your knees enough.
I'm a licensed golf pro.
You mind if I show you?
Yes, please.
Maybe bend over
a little bit... Here.
That feels about right,
doesn't it?
Hands on my shaft...
The shaft.
Let me just get
my finger in there.
One, two, three...
My God! Did you see that?
Thank you!
How long have you
been teaching golf?
Ever since I retired
from being an astronaut.
It's nice to see some heavenly
bodies around here too.
Hey, Grandpa,
don't you think we should
probably start golfing soon...
What the f*ck?
Wanna be a lamb
and get that for me?
Did he just
call you "Grandpa"?
Who, Pepe?
He's a ret*rd.
Got it pretty bad, too.
He thinks I'm his grandpa.
He usually sits at home just
drawing dolphins all day.
We used to let him
out on his own,
but the raping got so bad
that we just...
Got it.
- You guys want a refill?
- Sure.
Absolutely!
BRB!
I'm sorry about
my grandpa.
He's...
He's not doing too well.
My grandma just passed and
the funeral was yesterday.
I'm actually a lawyer,
not a ret*rd.
I handle of lot
of important issues.
SEC compliance,
LLC agreements. LP agreements.
That sort of stuff.
Yeah, well, I think
we're gonna get going.
- Nice to meet you, Pepe.
- Nice...
f*ck!
What happened?
Why are they going?
What did you do?
What? I told
them the truth.
I told them that I'm getting
married next week,
and you're not well
because your wife just died.
What are you,
f*cking vag*na repellent?
Those cougars
wanted to party!
- They wanted to party?
- Yes!
Do you hear yourself?
Grandpa, are you kidding
me right now? Grandma...
I'm trying
to listen to myself.
Grandma's funeral
was yesterday!
Now you wanna
hit on college girls?
You're jerking off to porn?
- What's wrong with you?
- Jason, I want to f*ck!
My God...
For the first time
in 40 years
I'm single and
I want to f*ck.
I want to f*ck
until my d*ck falls off.
I want to f*ck a horse
and I wanna drink its blood!
I'm gonna throw up.
I was faithful
to your grandmother
every day for 40 years,
even through the menopause,
even through the cancer.
She was the love of my life.
I'll miss her
every g*dd*mn day.
But she told me
on her deathbed,
"You get back
out there again."
I haven't had sex
in 15 years, Jason,
and I want to f*ck,
f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!
So that's what
this is all about?
This whole thing. You
didn't want to be with me.
You wanted me
to drive you down to Boca
so I could be your
f*cking wingman?
Well, obviously
I made a bad decision
because you're nothing but
a c*ck-blocking machine.
I don't know what you are.
You're like the Israeli
Iron Dome defense system,
but with vaginas
instead of missiles.
- What?
- You're like some sort of
c*ck-blocking Terminator
sent back from the future
to c*ck-block humans.
The robots
should have sent you
instead of
Arnold Schwarzenegger,
you could have c*ck-blocked
John Connor's parents
and he would never
have been born!
Shut up, Grandpa!
- Shut up!
- What got into you?
I remember you
in high school,
you were ripping
people's dicks off
on the football field,
talking about
traveling the world!
Now you're pushing some
papers at a f*cking law firm
and probably
peeing sitting down.
Grandpa, I don't know
what you thought
this weekend
was going to be about,
but I came here
for one reason,
to get you to Boca.
That's it.
Fine.
Now can I please
play some golf?
- f*cking golf.
- Okay.
c*ck McBlockerson.
What the f*ck?
Bam!
Who does your taxes?
H&R c*ck-block?
Stop it.
Bam!
Are you still Jenny
from the c*ck-block?
What the f*ck! What is your
obsession with my a*s?
Your vibrator's on.
You can't get
into it anyway
because you don't
know my code.
Looks like your grandpa
remembered your birthday!
What? Give me that!
We're going
to f*cking Daytona.
We're not
going to Daytona,
because I've got
the keys to the golf cart.
What are you doing?
Hey.
How'd you do that?
Coming or staying,
Jack Dicklaus?
- Grandpa?
- Hurry up, Bubba Twatson.
Grandpa, stop.
Gary Player-with-my-ba*ls.
Stop the cart!
Fred Couples-of-big-dicks-
in-your-a*s.
My God.
Grandpa! Stop!
Michelle
Wies-all-over-my-face.
Now, this is what
I'm f*cking talking about.
This is so f*cked up.
Calm down,
you'll get to hang out
with that gypsy girl
you like.
- I don't like her.
- Yes, you do.
That's why you didn't deny
being a photographer
for Time magazine.
You can hang out with her,
I can have
vaginal sex with Lenore.
It all works out!
We can even go visit
my old army buddy, Stinky.
Stinky?
Which tiki bar are they in?
sh*t. sh*t. sh*t.
- What's that?
- It's Meredith.
Please,
I've got to answer that.
Tell her to f*ck off.
Grandpa!
I'm just gonna check
the testosterone levels
on your phone first.
Grandpa, give me
my phone now!
Just as I thought.
Pretty low.
This is Meredith calling...
sh*t!
Now, look what you did,
you dropped it
in the car's vag*na.
God damn it,
I have to put it on speaker.
Don't say anything.
I will not say a word.
Ballbags!
Hey! Who was that?
No one. We're in a restaurant.
Sorry.
"Who's that?"
- What's up?
- Okay...
Well, I really want them
to post
our wedding announcement
on the New York Times website
before our rehearsal
brunch Friday,
so I just wanted to run
your section back to you.
Yeah, you know, now's
really not a good time...
Jason? Can we just
do this please?
"Can we do this now?"
"Jason Richard Kelly,
son of..."
"Doctor Smegma
Von BoxMunchers."
"David and Brooke,
"is a junior associate
at the law firm of..."
"Cream pie fart
and donkey punch!"
Okay, who is that?
It's no one. It's a waiter
with pretty bad Tourette's,
I think...
He just keeps walking by
yelling weird sh*t,
I don't know why...
Okay, well,
what restaurant are you at?
I can barely even
hear you now.
We're at
Chuck E. Cheese's...
Daytona f*cking Beach!
Daytona f*cking Beach!
You're right, buddy!
You're in Daytona Beach?
Listen, we're just driving
through Daytona Beach.
We're en route to Grandpa's...
Jason!
I don't know why you're there,
but you'd better call me
from your grandfather's house
when you get there
tonight, okay?
Of course, baby.
I love you so much...
- f*ck!
- Marriage is hard.
What'd the hot
college girls text back?
Grandpa, what are you
texting them?
I just texted them.
What are you texting them?
"We'll meet you on the beach."
Yeah, and I added the emoji
with the wink
and the tongue out.
I'm not kidding,
Grandpa.
You realize
that if I don't call her
from your house
in Boca tonight,
I'm f*cked, man,
I'm f*cked.
Jesus. Sounds like
you're marrying
your f*cking
parole officer.
It's just Meredith.
It's the way she is, man.
She just gets,
like, anxious
when she doesn't know
exactly where I am.
Don't panic.
It's organic.
Yeah, I know. Couples get
in fights all the time.
But it's different
with Meredith.
She takes it
to another level, man,
and I'm telling you,
if I don't call her
from your house in Boca,
I'm screwed.
Well, ain't nobody
got time for that.
Yeah, I know.
Clearly.
Which is why
I don't understand
how we got so far
off schedule.
...Sometimes
life is just a fart zone,
and you enter
at your own risk.
Have you been
reading sh*t
off the shot glasses
and the shirts in here
and just saying it
like it's wisdom?
I was seriously trying
to talk to you, man.
Do you realize
the stakes here?
You're ridiculous!
Smile.
You've had a phone
this entire f*cking time?
What else
don't I know about you?
How the hell do you know
how to speak Arabic?
Dad's never said
anything about that.
That's because your dad
doesn't really know
much about me.
I was away with the army
during most of his childhood.
So we were
never that close.
Is that why
he doesn't like you?
Anybody work here?
Okay, everybody
on the f*cking floor!
This is a g*dd*mn robbery!
On the f*cking ground!
My God,
you should see your faces!
I just left to grab lunch
and a new horse mask.
I left mine at the beach
the other day. Whoo!
I thought you were gonna
sh*t your pants, little guy.
g*n's real though.
What the f*ck, man!
Relax, this is Florida.
Everything's
a licensed g*n range.
You just shot
through a wall, man!
- Hey...
- There's pedestrians outside!
Yeah, again, it's Florida!
These people don't matter.
- What?
- So?
Welcome to
Tam Pam Surf Slam.
What can I do for you
gentlemen? I'm Pam.
You're Pam?
Yeah. It's a nickname.
Real name's Pamela.
Hey, no, guys!
Absolutely not!
I will not ever sell you drugs
out of this establishment!
We didn't ask you
to sell us drugs.
Okay, cool.
You're not cops.
In which case,
welcome to drugs!
- My God.
- Now, I'm pretty cool,
So I only sell the stuff
that occurs naturally.
So I got weed, I got
mushrooms, I got meth.
- Meth?
- Yeah.
How is that natural?
Well, it occurs naturally
in my cousin's basement
in Baltimore,
if you know what I mean.
I'm taking this and this
because you shot at me.
I'm sorry.
I almost shot you.
What are you going to do, cry
all the way home, handsome?
I'm also giving you
zero stars on Yelp.
What a d*ck.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hi, Professor.
Well, there's the prettiest
little girl on the beach.
Thank you.
I was actually
talking to him.
Yup! Immediately offensive.
I'm going back to the hotel.
Just try not to join the cast
of Rent on the way back!
So we got the Professor,
you got the millionaire.
How's the rest
of the Gilligan's Island cast?
We're good.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, everyone's good.
Well, that's good.
Copacetic on the island.
How are those washed-out
pictures you're taking
because you still have
the lighting optimizer on?
They're not...
Where is that?
Actually, it's really
hypersensitive
on the new 60D model.
So you have to...
- Wait. What is that?
- Okay, nope.
- What are you doing?
- Give it back, Malibu Ken.
- No...
- What?
You did it. You turned
into one of those people.
I turned into
one of those people
that gives a sh*t
about something?
Are you gonna chain
yourself to a polar bear?
Only if you
let me borrow...
What is this,
a beach sweater?
Yeah.
What, did you just
come from skiing?
Yeah, I skied in,
just to see you
save the world.
One Jell-O shot at a time.
High-five!
You want me
to do your back?
Only if you promise
to do my front first.
Gladly.
Whoops!
That never
usually happens.
Really? It happens to me
all the time.
Well, guess who just took
a sh*t in the water?
We've been looking
for you b*tches all day.
Where the f*ck
have you been?
Our car
broke down in Orlando.
Do you ever
look at your cell phone?
Awesome.
Who are these c**t punches?
These are our friends that
we met on the way down.
Yeah.
That's Cody and Brah.
They're on the
lacrosse team at Florida.
This guy
plays lacrosse?
All-conference, brah!
Yeah? Which one, the f*cking
Diabetes Conference?
All right, we're about to boat
race a bunch of those f*ck
from the University of Georgia
up in the room. So...
My God!
University of Georgia!
No way! You're a Hornet?
Afraid so.
Well, you guys
should get in there then,
Edward Jizzumhands.
Well, thank you. We will.
Good, that's great.
I'll see you up there.
Good. Well,
you say we'll be there
and on time.
- Sweet. I will.
- Yeah.
Yeah, let's do that.
- No, we should.
- Let's do it now.
- Yeah, I'll see you up there.
- What...
Come to the hotel.
By the pool.
Georgia sucks!
Can we please just go?
They've got boyfriends.
Those meatdick f*ck? They're
not their boyfriends.
They're just seniors,
and they're all just terrified
and speed-f*cking each other
before the ship goes down.
Didn't you ever
go on Spring Break?
No, I didn't go
to Spring Break,
'cause I was studying
for law school.
Besides, I can't
chug alcohol anymore
like I used to, Grandpa.
I've developed,
like, a gag reflex.
- A gag reflex?
- Yeah.
You're chugging a beer,
not taking down
a horse c*ck, Jason.
Come on.
Go Hornets!
Go Hornets, yeah...
Hey, you know, one in three
of these girls has herpes.
Even if you can't see it.
Jesus.
Nut the f*ck up.
It's just a college party,
you nance. Chill!
Hey, here they are.
I'm gonna get some beers.
What about you, twinkle toes?
You want some of dat drank?
Some of dat purple drank?
Some of dat
purple-a*s muthafuckin'
pimp-d*ck drank?
Who the f*ck are you?
It's a pretty rockin' party.
Whoo.
Who let the dogs out?
Am I right?
Sir, before we start,
would you prefer
if we gave you
a spritzer to chug?
Maybe a Pinot Noir?
You're going
down, old man.
Nobody chugs like me.
I bet. You've been chugging
Brah's c*m for years.
Let's go.
Chug!
Chug!
Chug!
Chug!
Go! Go! Chug!
It's actually
kind of fun.
Yeah, I'm not really,
you know, for sure,
per say...
...what we're doing
after graduation.
I mean,
- we have offers to play...
- Blah, blah, blah...
...professional
lacrosse in Europe,
but a bunch of agents
Words, words, words...
also want us to start
modeling, so...
And again, we're talking about
this fat f*ck right here?
You guys... You have
to come see this right now.
All right, our team won!
Let's celebrate
by buying local drugs
from a reputable,
local drug dealer.
Hey, what are
you doing here?
I'm selling drugs, man.
I'm trying to put my kid
through preschool.
How honest is that!
Touching my face
a lot, bro.
Touching my face
a whole lot, man.
Why don't you take
some of this.
This'll mellow you out.
- What is it?
- E-cig, bro.
"E" is for "Weed"!
Sure, why not?
Yeah, that's a big...
That's a big one.
Whoo!
Just be glad you didn't smoke this, man.
This is crack!
- What?
- Yeah!
This one...
Wait a minute...
Maybe that one's crack
and this one's weed.
Hang on.
What'd you do now, Pam?
f*ck. Hold on.
Which one's crack?
Okay. I got this.
Don't freak out.
Sorry to worry you, man.
You're not gonna believe this.
They're both crack.
What?
And you have taken an amount
that will probably k*ll you
in about 30 minutes.
- I just smoked crack?
- Yeah.
But just, like, a lot.
I just smoked crack.
I just smoked crack!
USA!
USA!
USA!
USA!
Told you.
He's fine.
He's just a little drunk.
Whoo!
Everybody loves crack!
Bee loves crack.
Bee loves some crack.
We should probably
go help him.
Sting? You're stung!
sh*t,
I just found my queen.
All right.
Okay, let's help him.
Excuse me. Jason!
- Hey, Jason.
- Jason.
- Jason.
- Jason.
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
I'm gonna live forever!
Party on!
sh*t!
One, two, three...
- Hello?
- Where the f*ck have you been?
We got to Grandpa's
a little bit later
than we thought last night,
and my phone charger
wasn't working.
Well, you know
we missed the deadline
for our wedding announcement
to be in the Times.
Where are you?
Are you close?
Listen, Grandpa got
really upset last night.
So I'm just getting
a little bit of
a late jump here.
I want to show you the
bouquets for the bridesmaids.
So switch to
FaceTime, okay?
sh*t! Baby, the reception at
Grandpa's isn't very good...
Jason, just
f*cking do it!
Okay, one second.
Switching over.
f*ck! f*ck! f*ck!
Is that sand
on your face?
It's just sawdust
because I was helping
Grandpa in the garage, so...
I naturally got the dust
of the saw on the face.
- Hi, honey.
- Jason.
Mom? Dad?
Is that writing
on your face?
I was working on my vows
late last night and...
And I fell asleep and I got
some pen on my face, so...
Yeah, that must be
the exact thing that happened.
Yeah, Meredith
called us because
she hadn't
heard from you all night.
We got the rabbi here
to work on the vows.
Boker tov, Jason.
Hey. Shalom.
No, Jason, really...
What is on your forehead?
It's a swastika
of penises.
No, that's not what it is.
Acting as a pinwheel
of ej*cul*te...
No, no, no,
it's a FaceTime effect.
All the kids are using
them these days.
There's a Hanukkah one. See?
I don't like that one as much
as the swastika full of dicks.
Okay, let's discuss
the wedding vows.
Jason, why don't you
begin by telling us all
what it is you like
about Meredith.
Yeah, where do I start?
She's...
Hello.
Hello, buzzy bee.
What?
If you can't
think of anything,
lean into them looks, dawg.
Can I touch buzzy bee?
I've loved her for... No,
you can't touch buzzy bee!
I love the way that she...
What are you doing?
Stop it!
Go away!
You're getting me in...
f*ck, go away!
Your buzzy bee
looks so fluffy!
What did he say?
I just don't know
where to start.
Let me touch buzzy bee!
- You can't have the bee!
- What?
I want to stroke the bee!
You can't
stroke the bee! Okay?
I want to kiss buzzy bee!
You can't kiss the bee!
I love the way
that she kisses.
- Kid!
- Hey!
- My God...
- Hey!
- f*cking pervert!
- No.
I got to go right now.
I'm sorry.
I love you. Bye!
No, no, no! Jason! Jason!
Come on. I told you
to stay with us.
He let me stroke it.
Hold on! He's talking
about a pee... A bee.
A little stuffed bee.
What bee?
There was
a bee here, man!
It was so soft.
He let me kiss it.
No, I did not
let you kiss it!
What are you
talking about?
- He did not even...
- You're f*cking dead!
Dad, that was cool!
sh*t!
Please, for the love of God,
may I have some pants?
Please...
Jesus, I'm so sorry. Of course.
Yeah, definitely. Let
me hurry on over there.
You like khakis
or sweatpants?
I mean, anything's fine.
You know what? Khakis.
- Khakis? All right.
- Yes, please. Thank you.
Also, I'm going to step
out and get some lunch.
Do you want a sandwich?
Yeah, sure.
That'd be awesome.
Yeah. Ham? Turkey?
I would love turkey.
That's so funny, because
I'm a turkey man myself.
Thank you so much.
Turkey... Okay...
All right...
Also, finally,
do you want to be a*s r*ped
by the man with the
mental age of seven
or do you want to be
stripped naked
and used as a human diaper
by the, same man?
Let me know
what time works for you,
'cause you're
in f*cking jail.
Sit down.
All right. Gary, I'm all done.
It's late.
I gotta go open
the store, buddy.
I don't know, man.
You tried to sell peyote
to middle schoolers.
Well, I don't know if I'm
going to be able to get you
that human growth hormone
you asked me about.
So that you can get
"jacked," you said?
Remember?
You're already looking good.
All right,
let's get you out of there.
- Why are you letting him out?
- Gary! Gary! Gary!
He's the one
that sold me crack!
Hey, man!
That's how you're gonna
do me right now?
- Snitches get stitches!
- Yeah!
Zip it!
Yeah. Snitches
do get stitches!
I thought we were friends...
Don't mess with
my best friend, Pam.
Yeah!
I'll see you later, Gary.
See you, buddy. If you can get
me that money you owe me too,
- that'd be great.
- Finchy.
Hey, Officer Finch.
What's up?
- Here's the deal.
- Yeah.
- I'm about to skedaddle...
- Yeah, you are.
I came in here with
some drugs in a bag.
It would be great
if I could leave
with those drugs
in the bag.
You know what?
I want what's great for you.
Thank you.
There they are.
- There you go!
- Look at the arm on that guy.
I know.
He's really
getting big!
- He's working on it.
- I really need that HGH.
He's working on it.
- All right, I'll talk to you guys later. Bye.
- Yeah.
Bam! One of the
good ones. Right?
Okay, listen.
Guys, I'm incredibly sorry
for all this confusion,
but listen to me, please,
I have to let you know
I'm a lawyer.
All right? I know
my rights and I know
that I should have
a phone call.
Well, is this
your phone right here?
Yeah, that's my phone.
That's your phone right there.
Just gonna take
a little picture.
Snatch-chat.
Please don't do that
with my phone.
Hope you got
a wide angle lens on that.
Kidding.
Somebody just posted his bail.
Get that pervert some pants.
All right.
These were
a couple pair of pants
from m*rder victims
from a 1990s orgy gone bad.
We got semen-stained
or blood-stained.
Take your pick.
What's it gonna be?
- Blood.
- Semen it is.
- Hey, there he is.
- No.
Don't even
f*cking talk to me.
I know things
got a little chaotic,
but I'm so close
with Lenore...
What the f*ck
is wrong with you?
I'm about to get f*cking
married, Grandpa!
In one week!
To a Jewish girl!
And I just woke up
in f*cking jail
with a bunch of penises
on my forehead
in the shape
of a swastika!
Could call it
a swasticock.
- What?
- It's a play on words.
It's a play on words.
A play on words.
Play on these words.
I'm dropping you off
at your old army vet
buddy's house,
he's gonna drive you
to f*cking Boca.
Because I'm f*cking
done with you.
What the f*ck
are you looking at?
I can't help
staring at your t*ts.
Pow!
What the f*ck
is wrong with you?
You know, Stinky
had more confirmed kills
than anyone in our platoon
back in 'Nam? 118.
Shut the f*ck up.
What is this place?
I don't know.
Or care.
At least just
come in with me.
Let's make sure
it's the right house.
After you.
Grandson of the year.
Your grandmother's
ashes are in there.
She's in a coffin.
f*ck you!
Well,
better late than never.
Yeah! f*ck them up, ALF!
m*therf*cker!
Stinky?
What the f*ck are you
doing here, d*ck?
This?
This is liver failure.
Who's the l*sbian?
That's my grandson,
Jason.
Yeah?
Is he here to
scissor with me?
Okay, that's just
offensive to lesbians.
I am very sorry,
k.d. Lang.
Time for Bingo!
Come on. Stinky, we got to get
you the f*ck out of here.
Come on, let's go.
I have one
f*cking month left, d*ck!
I don't want you to
remember me like this, man.
I want you to remember
me as a warrior.
Please. Leave me be.
But, Stinky...
No, no, no...
Just let me finish, d*ck.
Leave me your
beautiful l*sbian grandson
so he can
blowjob me to death.
It's all over
for me, d*ck.
You know, all I wanna
do is play Bingo.
Go.
All ready?
Bingo!
I'm sorry about
your friend, Grandpa.
So it comes
to this.
Even before you die,
you just stop living,
and it's all one f*cked-up
facsimile of the real thing.
We have to go back.
Yeah. I know.
I'll drive us home.
Not Atlanta.
Daytona.
What?
I have to f*ck
that girl, Jason.
Jesus, Grandpa!
I do. I have
to f*ck her!
Grandpa, you're
just depressed.
You're confused right now
because of Grandma.
Grandma wanted me
to do this.
- What?
- Yeah. She said when she died,
She wanted me
to move on
and live my life
the way I wanted to,
and right now, you know
what I want to do?
I want to get my d*ck sucked
by that f*cking college girl!
What is that
going to do for you?
Is that going to make
you feel young again?
Yeah! Yeah,
what's wrong with that?
Yeah?
Feeling young again?
What do I have?
A dead wife,
dying friends.
A few f*cking good
years left if I'm lucky.
And you know what?
It f*cking freaks me out!
Yeah.
Look, I don't expect
you to understand.
You're young.
You have a long,
long time
before you have to
look into that abyss.
But the way I see it,
having sex with that girl
is my last stand.
And I can't do it
without you.
So I'm asking you.
Please, Jason,
just stay one more day
so I can do this.
Please.
Okay, Daytona Beach!
Who's ready for a Flex Off!
I'm talking about dudes
getting on stage,
getting ripped!
Yeah!
Yes, I'll be home tomorrow.
I promise.
And I know... Yes,
I know the dinner
is important to the firm...
Hold on,
I'm getting another call.
It might be Meredith.
Okay? Bye.
- Hello?
- Hey, it's me.
Someone just stuck
their thumb up my a*s.
What?
Yeah, I was just
standing right there,
talking on the phone,
and someone came
right up behind me
and stuck their thumb
up my a*s.
- Did you see who it was...
- Jamba!
f*ck!
Stop doing that!
How'd it go on
the home front?
How do you think?
Come on. Let's go.
Come on.
Top g*n in the house!
We got Maverick!
We got Fat Goose!
Do we have a challenger?
Right here!
Right here!
These two!
She wants to!
These two.
Pick her!
Who will
accept this challenge?
You go up there,
I'll let you do
whatever you want
to me tonight.
- All right, I'm doing it.
- All right!
- What?
- Whoo!
- No, no, no!
- Are you kidding me?
I saw your body last night,
it's a lot better than Cody's.
And my body
sure as sh*t looks better
than that f*cking
Shamu's up there.
There's 1,000
people out here!
A lost old man
has wandered on stage.
Are you his nurse?
No. f*ck no.
Get on stage! Get on stage!
Get on stage! Get on stage!
Get on stage! Get on stage!
Do it for me!
Get on stage! Get on stage!
So we have team Top g*n
versus creepy old guy
and his l*sbian daughter.
Okay, Daytona Beach,
are you ready to Flex Off?
Three! Two! One!
Flex!
Having trouble getting that
coat off, Fat Goose?
Look at this guy!
He's like
Mother Teresa's vag*na!
Old and tight!
Hey, look,
it's Cirque du So g*y!
What now?
Has the old man fallen?
Or is it...
One-armed
m*therf*cking push-ups!
Holy sh*t!
l*sbian daughter's
getting in on the action!
I happen to know
he smoked crack last night!
These push-ups are fuelled
by the devil's candy!
Unbelievable!
Your move,
Dolly Parton.
What are you gonna
do now, team Top g*n?
And, hey, everybody,
don't forget to stop
by Tam Pam Surf Slam in town
where I'm selling
"beach towels"
for 50 bucks an ounce.
"Sun screen"
for 10 bucks a dime bag.
And I'm also selling meth!
Just got married!
Your move,
Viagra Falls.
Crowd going wild
for team Top g*n!
Grandpa, I got this.
Watch!
Most muscular, on three.
One, two, three.
I think this guy
just sharted!
No, I didn't!
Yes!
Call a lifeguard, I think
there's been a shart attack!
I'm not even
holding the mic right now.
You suck!
I have an idea.
Do you remember that thing we
used to do when I was a kid?
Yeah.
One, two, three...
Hold on, what's this?
What is going on?
My God, what am I seeing?
Am I on drugs? Of course I am!
This is too incredible!
Flex Off history
is being made!
What's up now, Brah?
Yeah, what's up now, Brah?
Yeah,
what's up now, Brah?
'Sup now, Brah?
'Sup now, Brah?
'Sup now, Brah?
This is incredible!
Take out your cameras!
Put this online!
This sh*t is going viral!
sh*t. Let me down.
Did everybody
get a picture of that?
What the f*ck
are you doing?
- I can't do this...
- What?
- God...
- The winners
Of the Alpha Delta Flex Off...
Wait a minute!
Where are you going?
- Guys?
- Where are you going?
Jason!
You can't just
leave me here like this.
Why'd you stop?
We were winning!
Because I'm a lawyer!
I can't have people taking
pictures of me
doing stuff like this.
Can you imagine if the firm
saw something like that?
By default, the winner
of the Flex Off is...
Bring the cup
home, baby!
...these two dildos.
Every single day,
my career's in jeopardy...
- What are you doing?
- I'm taking the regulator off
The pneumatic
propulsion system.
Give me a beer.
Grandpa, what did you
really do for the army?
I told you,
I was a mechanic.
Bullshit.
You speak Arabic.
You hotwired a golf cart.
Tell me the truth.
All right,
I was Special Forces!
I trained insurgents
behind enemy lines
from Vietnam to Iraq.
Now give me the f*cking beer can!
Come on!
Look at this dummy!
What an idiot!
Whoo!
Yeah! Do it again!
We can change in Cody's room.
I picked his pocket earlier.
Nothing
to see here, guys.
Cops are gonna
come pretty quick.
No, no, this is his father,
so that's what I'm saying.
Keep him heavily sedated,
but don't be afraid to pull
the plug if you have to.
Thank you, Doctor.
Okay. They're in the
hospital till tomorrow!
The room's ours
for the night.
Look at these
f*cking people.
How was brunch at
Hitler's house that day?
Hey, Grandpa, who else
in our family knows
that you were, Special
Forces or whatever?
No one, once your
grandmother passed.
Your father
stopped talking to me
before my missions
were declassified.
So he always thought
I was just an army mechanic.
But don't you think
that you guys would
get along a little better
if you told him?
Hey, come on. Let's see
how you look. Come on out.
First of all,
nobody wears
a f*cking white belt.
The only people
who wear white belts
are people who
suck at karate
and people
who suck at life.
Take the f*cking belt off.
And you better lose that
f*cking white polo shirt
and those pleated
khaki pants.
You're meeting up with girls,
not blowing an oil executive
on a f*cking golf course.
Put these on.
Well, in case
you forgot,
I don't even have
underwear, from last night.
All right, just put them on.
I'll turn around.
Nice d*ck.
Jeez, Grandpa.
That's a good d*ck. You
got your grandpa's d*ck.
Not the girth, not the
length, but same style.
That's good to know.
You're lucky
you're not your dad.
He's got his mom's d*ck.
What the f*ck?
Now put your pants on.
sh*t. It's Meredith.
Don't answer it.
My rehearsal brunch
is this weekend.
No calls.
For one night,
stop worrying about your wedding.
Please.
We have two hot, smart,
beautiful college girls
at the peak
of their sexual powers
about to meet us at one of
the last great nightclubs
in Florida.
Worry about them.
Okay.
I don't think you're very
popular here, Grandpa.
You're the one that's going
to have to watch out.
You might get Oreo'd.
Oreo'd?
That's when two black guys
f*ck a white guy.
You're the cream
in the middle.
Game on.
Hey! Glad you guys made it.
Let's go get
f*cked up. Right?
My stepdad
hates me!
Let's go!
Party till you're pregnant!
My God,
I love this song!
You're not gonna
die on me, are you?
- I don't think so.
- All right!
- Come on.
- No. No.
You want it? Come here,
give me that hat!
My God...
Give me that!
What is this?
Hey! Hey, hey, hey...
Leave my illegitimate
black son alone.
We were just
asking him to dance.
Well, he don't wanna dance.
Well, maybe you wanna
dance instead.
- I don't wanna dance...
- Colonel Sanders!
It's all right.
It's all right.
Let's not dirty
this place up.
It's a shrine. Sinatra
sang here. Parking lot?
It'll be fine.
How is this going to be fine?
Look at this crew.
Come on.
We have a good crew too.
We have no crew.
We have no crew.
Are we going to J.Crew?
f*ck J.Crew.
Don't do this.
I think I'm going
to have to fight them all,
so you're going to have
to take the first punch.
- What?
- Okay! He's up first.
Whatever.
You like that sh*t,
white boy?
Dude, what the f*ck
is wrong with you?
What? You want next, b*tch?
Hey, I thought I had next.
Tell him you're sorry you made
fun of him for being g*y.
I'm sorry I made fun
of you for being g*y!
Tell him you were raised
in a different era,
but now you know
it's wrong to judge people
based on their
sexual orientation
and that if you had to
be g*y with someone
for some reason,
you know, to prevent a
t*rror1st attack or something,
it would be with him.
What?!
Say it.
If I had to be g*y
with somebody
to prevent
a t*rror1st attack,
it would be you!
Apology accepted.
Okay.
Get out of here
before I use my other arm.
This ain't over.
Now f*ck off and take
Jodeci with you.
Let's roll.
It's too bad Lenore barfed
all over herself tonight.
I definitely could have
had sex with her.
Yup.
I probably could have
still had sex
if she just threw up
on her front,
but she somehow got
it all over her back,
and I would
have felt bad.
Well, chivalry
isn't dead.
I like the way you took
that haymaker tonight.
Sometimes you just gotta take
that punch up front, you know?
Then things get easier
in the long run.
"De Oppresso Liber."
It's written
on your knife too.
What does that mean?
Hey, lights out
after 12:00, boys.
I better not
catch you swimming
across the lake
to the girls' camp, okay?
- Night.
- Good night.
You know, maybe I'll find
something to do
with Shadia tomorrow
and give you and Lenore
a little more alone time.
I kind of feel like we're
just getting in your way.
Yeah?
I'm sure there's
something...
What the f*ck?
Did you just get naked?
It's the best
way to sleep.
My God!
I picked it up in Uganda
from the Umbatdo.
Umbat-don't let your junk
touch my leg again
or you're sleeping
on the floor.
Night.
Night.
Jason...
The f*ck! My God!
What do these guys want to cut
all the trees down for anyway?
For some stupid, like,
massive, tacky
entertainment complex.
You know, the ones with,
like, arcades
and laser tag.
That sort of thing.
Laser tag?
I love laser tag.
Yeah.
- When does it open?
- Nice. Thanks a lot.
- Shadia!
- Hi, Griz.
My God, your pics from
the Boston rally look amazing!
- Thank you.
- Yeah. Absolutely.
Sweet Hacky Sack, man.
It's not a Hacky Sack, dawg.
That's the trade name.
It's an organic
hemp-seed foot satchel.
And what's someone
from the f*cking
laser tag lobby
doing here?
No, I'm just
a friend of Shadia's.
Just a friend.
That's pretty cool, man.
What is that, a dance ball?
f*ck! What the f*ck?
- You're f*cking kidding me.
- It's like a...
What the f*ck!
It's a 4-inch acrylic
juggling orb!
d*ck.
I'll see you guys
next weekend.
- Absolutely. Absolutely.
- Yeah? Okay. Bye.
Love your necklace.
Bye.
Hey, Griz...
Don't touch that,
it's from Laser Tag.
Sorry.
They're good people.
I swear.
Let me see that.
Where are you going
with these "good people"?
We're heading out
to the coast
to... charter
a boat for the year.
- For the year?
- Yeah.
To do what?
We're documenting
the effects
of climate change
out on the ocean.
Aren't you supposed
to graduate next weekend?
Yeah.
Seems to me like you're
running from something.
Come on, haven't you
had to make sacrifices
to get where you are
as a photographer?
I mean, yeah, but...
That's different.
Look at this.
I hate photos of myself.
Why?
You look beautiful.
See?
Hey.
Wait, just calm down.
What?
sh*t. Yeah,
we'll be right there.
- What's going on?
- We gotta go.
And then I came back
from the bathroom
and all those black guys
from the club
were, like, standing around
Lenore and Dr. Richards
and they were yelling at
them and threatening them
and they, like,
kidnapped them!
And I think
one of them had a g*n!
Did you see
where they took them?
No.
Those guys are staying
at The Tillman.
That's all I know.
- Okay.
- Come on!
- Come on!
- sh*t!
What?
I smell marijuana.
What are you going to
do with a bucket?
I don't know!
Okay, on three. Ready?
One, two, three!
Okay, let me try
one more time.
The GZA, the RZA,
Ol' Dirty b*stard.
What's going on?
g*ng stuff.
Raekwon the Chef!
And the Method Man!
Hey! Here they are!
How was the protest?
It was good.
Yeah, it was good.
This is Lamar,
Lil' Chris, Big Chris,
Murray Finkelstein.
And, of course, you've
already met Ty-rizone.
That n*gga's crazy, man.
Yeah, what's with
the *-word, anyway?
I can say it.
I can't say it...
You can say it
when we let you say it.
Which is never.
Just never say that
under any circumstances.
Shotgun!
What the f*ck is going on?
I thought these guys
wanted to k*ll you!
Lebanese Red.
I had some of this left over
from my time
in the Middle East.
You throw some of
this sh*t around,
you can really
get away with anything.
Have some.
You're smoking
grass now?
Jesus, this is a
gateway drug, Grandpa.
Yeah, well, you just opened
the gateway to being a p*ssy.
- Take some.
- Yo, D.
Let's f*cking bounce!
Let's f*cking bounce!
Where?
Can I say it?
Can I say it?
No! No, no.
Say it!
Say that sh*t!
I'm totally gonna
f*ck him tonight.
Can I watch?
'Cause I kind of want
to f*ck him too now.
Drop the mic, baby!
Drop the mic, baby!
That's what
I'm talking about!
Peace out, n*gg*s!
I see you, boy.
Nasty!
Up next we have
Shadia and Jason!
Yep, it's us now.
What? No. No, no, no, no.
- No...
- Come on.
We can't top that.
I don't want to do this.
You know the song.
You know every word. See?
You're going to make me
do it all alone?
Fine.
Hey.
Damn!
Who are you?
I'm just saying,
who sings that well
and isn't
a professional singer?
You're so good at singing
you actually suck!
You guys want to come up
for a nightcap?
Yeah, well...
See if sh*t gets real?
Well, young
Michael Buble and I
are gonna have a stogie
by the pool, so...
- See you up there?
- Yeah.
I want you to know
how much I appreciate
you doing this
for me, Jason.
The greatest gift a grandson
can give his grandfather
is a hot college girl who
wants to have unprotected sex
with him before he dies.
Yeah, well, most grandpas
just want toffee.
What's the matter?
I think I'm gonna
call off my wedding.
Well, when you get married,
it's for a long f*cking time.
And it's hard.
So it damn well
better be with a woman
who keeps things
interesting.
You know
your grandmother,
she tried to grow her
own pot plant once?
- Really?
- Yeah,
She just wanted to see
if she could do it.
She was always
surprising me like that.
We also tried a**l
once every five years.
Sweet.
I miss having someone
to share everything with.
It's not fair
to just keep Shadia
in the dark like this.
Since we started this,
it's just been one big lie.
She has no idea who I am.
I have to tell
her the truth.
Well, maybe telling her
tonight is a little abrupt.
The most important part
of a relationship is trust.
That's right.
And I'm going
to start now.
Or you can just wait till I
have sex with Lenore tonight,
then you can
tell Shadia everything.
No. I'm just lying.
Jason,
I'm your grandfather!
You wait till I f*ck
that college girl!
- I'm telling her now.
- Jason...
Jason! Jason!
Jason!
Jason!
'Sup, brah?
Back off, D cups!
Well, if it isn't
the "Professor."
You know, it's amazing
what you can find
with a name
and Google these days.
You're not
a real professor?
My God! You lied to us.
How could you.
Wait, wait, wait,
this is the best part.
This is the best part.
Richard "d*ck" Kelly,
Lieutenant Colonel
in the United States Army,
also known as the
American Gladiator "Nitro."
What the f*ck
did you Google?
Okay, well, there's
another best part then.
"Jason Patrick Kelly will wed
Meredith Miriam Goldstein
"at Jericho Temple
on Saturday, March 27th."
Wait, that's...
next Saturday.
Wait, you're grandfather
and grandson?
My God!
That is so f*cked up.
That is so hot. I mean,
that is so f*cked up.
So...
Are you getting married
next weekend?
I was.
I was getting married,
but then I met you,
and now I don't...
My God!
No. Don't pull that sh*t.
I feel f*cking stupid
enough as it is.
So you're not a professor?
Are you even a photographer?
I'm a lawyer.
I handle
SEC compliance.
LLC agreements.
I came up here to...
Get the f*ck out, Jason.
Seriously.
Can I have
a second to explain?
No!
Hold up, hold up.
Not so fast, "Professor."
For what's it worth,
I still really
want to f*ck you.
And we're going to f*ck.
Yeah, we are.
We're going to thunder f*ck.
You're gonna
tsunami on my face!
You're gonna
flood like the Nile.
Yeah. I guess the drought
in my p*ssy is finally over.
The villagers
will finally eat.
You're gonna die
while you're eating me out.
I want your last breath
to be in my p*ssy.
Lenore!
You're such a sl*t.
Police!
That's right.
Po-po in the h*-h*.
Some kind of ganja party?
Sorry to harsh your mellows.
Where's my e-vite?
Is that the jacket?
Check the right coat pocket.
Check it, man.
Okay, turn around.
Come on.
That's my jacket.
That's not his jacket.
Up against
the palm. There you go.
Let's have a look.
What've you got in here?
- Bingo-bango.
- OMG.
What the f*ck?
That's not mine!
"What the f*ck?"
That's not mine!
The f*ck? Well,
it looks like Spring Break
is finally drug free!
Come on, let's go.
Let's go, pretty boy.
Shall we?
No, it doesn't go down
that way. Let's go.
I'll wait for you, Grandpa.
Keep that sh*t
tight for me!
He's my Henry Miller.
What the f*ck
does that mean?
Exactly!
Hey, there he is.
You got blood on your
pants, you know.
Your license isn't
even suspended, is it?
You made all this up just so
I'd come down here with you.
I had to make
sure you'd come.
f*ck you!
Just chill, Jason.
Hakuna matata.
Who the f*ck are you?
I should have known
you were f*cking crazy
the moment you started
hitting on women
the day after
Grandma's funeral!
Don't you f*cking
judge me.
You have no idea what I had
with your grandmother.
And everything I've done
these last few days
I've done for a reason.
You were about to f*ck up
royally by getting married,
- and you f*cking know it!
- Yeah?
What the f*ck
am I supposed to do now?
Chase around
some college girl
that doesn't even
want to f*cking talk to me?
Not know what the f*ck I'm
doing for the rest of my life?
Yeah, because at least
you'd be thinking
for yourself for a change.
What the f*ck
does that even mean?
Your father has lorded
over every decision
you've made
in your adult life,
and Meredith is just
the latest example of that!
She's not
right for you, Jason.
If you marry her, you're
going to be sleepwalking
through the rest of your life
and be completely unhappy,
just like your father!
I am already
unhappy with my life,
because I've done nothing
but get f*cked by you
and this insane f*ck rampage
that you've been on.
It wasn't
a "f*ck rampage" for me.
It was
a "f*ck rampage" for you.
How? How is this for me?
I f*cked up
as a father.
I wasn't there
to raise your dad
and he turned into
a materialistic,
henpecked, poop-d*ck
country clubber.
I don't want that
to happen to you.
So that's what this was?
I was your last-ditch
redemption project.
Congratulations,
Grandpa.
You thought you were
a shitty father?
Now you're
a shitty grandfather.
I don't want to see you
at my wedding.
Stay the f*ck
away from me.
So, do you like this
size, or this size?
Hey, hon,
the people at the venue
said they don't have
enough mint napkins,
so which one
do you like better?
The seafoam or
the pistachio?
I'll get it.
What is it?
It's... Just another
wedding present.
I hope it's that
new big dipping spoon
from Williams-Sonoma.
...and as a tribute
to Meredith and Jason
and the love
that you guys share.
A love I will never know
because my dog
died the first day
I masturbated.
So now I can't
get hard unless...
Okay.
Also, we've got to stop !sis.
It's gotten... It's too much.
Got it. Got it.
You know, today's celebration
is much more
than just about the union
of two people,
it's also about the union
of two families.
Meredith...
The Kellys and the Goldsteins.
Let's have Jason and Meredith
tell their own story.
Nice job,
Uncle Dave!
Let's go in for the k*ll.
You've been hacked.
Because you loved me.
What the f*ck?
That is not
Martha's Vineyard.
Jason!
- Take it off!
- Trying, dear. Trying.
Leave them on.
Shut it down.
I have something to say.
I think I've been listening
to everybody else
about what I should be
doing with my life.
My grandpa said something
really interesting.
All right, cut the mics.
I'm going up.
...take that punch,
that point forward,
things get easier.
- The mic's off.
- Jason, your mic cut out.
What?
Your mic cut out at the
most inopportune time,
so we can't hear
why you want to leave
those images up.
Hitting it won't work.
If they caught it
from the PA... Band?
What the f*ck?
Nick, can you
tell her something for me?
Can you tell her
that...
I'm really sorry,
but I can't marry her.
You think that message
should come from me? Okay...
Uncle Ramon,
can you tell Meredith
that Jason's sorry,
but that they
can't get married?
f*ck!
I forgot Uncle Ramon
was deaf
and I talked to him
like a normal.
Uncle Ruben,
can you please tell Meredith
that Jason is really sorry,
but that he can't marry her?
He says he's very sorry,
but he can't marry you.
Uncle Ruben,
can you turn
that thing up a little?
It doesn't get any louder.
Where'd you get
that thing, SkyMall?
At this point,
I'm kind of nervous
that anybody I pick
will have a disability.
Okay... Waiter...
Hey, Pubes.
Can you please
go tell Meredith
that my cousin Jason
is very sorry,
but they cannot
get married?
Come on, man.
It's my first day...
I know
it's your first day,
but everybody needs
you to be a man here.
Okay.
Just real quick...
He sent me... He wants
me to tell you that...
He doesn't think
that he can marry you.
But that he's sorry
that he can't.
She's laughing, so I think
that you're in the clear, bro.
No, it's good.
That was good.
You can just
go back and tell him
that I f*cked his cousin
Nick while he was gone.
She's so super
cool about it.
She's like, "Go!
Do your thing. Do you."
She said that?
That's what she said,
verbatim.
Wait. Should I come down
and say bye?
No. God! f*ck no!
No?
Yeah. No need to even...
Let's not even...
You just... I've done it...
We're great!
Wait, where the f*ck
is he going?
Jason!
Jason!
It's actually the guy on
the moped with the iPad.
NSA stopped using
utility vans years ago.
I figured once you sent
the camera back,
it was time to take
drastic measures.
What'd he say?
Are we doing this?
Plan B,
have Pam kidnap you.
I've got to
get her back.
You want me
to kidnap her?
I'll bring her back to you
in a box, bro.
She's on a bus headed west
on I-85 across Florida.
Her boat leaves
in four hours.
It was easy
to track her down
because of the whole
Middle Eastern thing.
Bet you never thought
you'd 69 a girl
because of the Patriot Act.
You 69 her, man!
And then she's dead.
Are you kidding me, Pam?
This is what you drive?
Yeah, it is so easy
selling kids drugs
from an ice cream truck.
It's crazy!
Jason!
- Jason!
- Go, go, go, go!
Jason, stop!
Stop right now.
Stop! Stop!
If you leave right now,
you can kiss your job
at the firm goodbye!
David, will you get
the f*ck out of the way!
Hey, hey! Come on!
What the hell!
Hey, guy, unless you want
a Chipwich or some heroin,
get off my ice cream truck!
Who the f*ck is this slob?
Slob? I am a small
business owner!
I am the backbone
of this country!
I am holding a taser!
- sh*t!
- Dude, should I stop?
What are you...
I'm kind of in the
middle of it right here.
sh*t! All right.
Raise your hand
if you've got a b*ner!
What were we
supposed to do?
Just leave him
on the side of road?
Hey, man, can you slow down?
You're making this
very difficult.
What the f*ck!
That was you who drew
all those dicks
on me last week?
Yeah, I drew the dicks.
Busted!
My God!
sh*t!
Don't worry. Get up. We'll cut
through the back roads.
- Wait, what?
- You navigate. I'll drive.
Watch out! Watch out!
What the hell
is going on?
- Got ourselves a bogey.
- All right, let's do this!
f*ck! We gotta
lose some of this weight.
Pam, throw some
of this sh*t out of here!
Hey, look, it's Pam.
He's the good kind of Greek.
Hey, Gene.
Hey, Gary.
How the hell do you know
how to drive like that, Dad?
Damn it, Grandpa.
Just tell him!
I was a Green Beret
in Special Forces.
I taught insurgents
behind enemy lines.
Mechanic was just my cover.
Good! We're all made up!
There they are!
That's them! Let's go, go, go!
Shadia!
Jason?
Stop the bus!
I need to talk to you!
What are you doing here
- in an ice cream truck?
- Stop the bus!
Okay!
Pull over!
I'm not pulling over!
Thanks a lot, Pam!
You narc!
What! I'm not a narc, Barry!
f*ck you!
Pam, you know him?
Barry? Yeah, he's, like,
my best friend.
I sold him, like,
six tons of ecstasy...!
That's why they're not
stopping the bus.
It's full of drugs.
Classic Pam.
- I know that man.
- Stop the bus!
Jason, where are you going?
What are you doing?
What are they...
You'd better
marry that girl.
Me? Nah, she's not really
my type. Too skinny.
What the f*ck?
Slow down!
My God!
What are you doing?
Slow down, dude!
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Go get her, man!
What is going on?
What just happened?
Hey. I don't even
f*cking know,
but I'm not
getting married.
Okay, so that makes it okay
that you were lying to me?
No. No, it doesn't.
But you have to admit that
when we were together
it felt great.
There was something
real there.
Yeah.
What do you
want from me, Jason?
I want you to stay.
I just can't stay.
Okay.
No, I get it.
Yeah.
What if I come with you?
Come...
- Really?
- I mean...
I just broke up with my
fiancee, lost my job.
And I think I'm wanted
by the police, so...
A year at sea
might actually be
the best place for me.
Okay.
Break it up, lesbians!
Let's go.
Get down on the ground!
We're doing this because
you're lesbians!
Get down on the ground!
According to
Interstate Statute 17.37,
arrests made on the
Interstate Highway System
must be ex*cuted
by state police,
not your local
law enforcement
from your adjacent
municipalities.
You seem, like,
really familiar
with the penal code.
You seem real c*ck
about the juris-d*ck-tion
you're in.
Real c*ck!
Someone drew dicks all
over your face, you idiot!
Well, look at that!
You got dicks on your face.
That middle one's mine.
Look it, this one right here.
I traced it.
I thought I recognized that!
Enough catching up.
Let my friends go.
They've literally
done nothing wrong.
Pam, we've got obstruction
of justice here.
We got reckless
endangerment.
The bus is full of drugs,
I get it.
Speaking of which,
I've got to get out of here.
I got three keys
of "Frisbees"
showing up at the
store today, so...
I should go,
question mark?
Why don't you
take my squad car.
That's a good idea.
Give him your keys.
You mean these keys?
There they are.
- Classic Pam.
- Classic Pam.
What do you say
we get some lunch?
Love it.
See you f*ck later.
So, I'm gonna
go with her.
Yeah, you should.
She seems real nice.
You know, I think this is
our only way back now,
so I'm gonna try to get
these c*ck off of my face
and get that
truck started.
- Just give me one sec.
- Yeah.
Grandpa...
Thank you for...
Don't give me
any of that sh*t.
Just let me know
when you get back.
And I actually want
to see your photos
in Time magazine.
This camera set me
back three months
of my army pension!
Thanks, Grandpa.
And, Jason...
Yeah?
Back in the '80s,
when Andre the Giant
used to go to
the Playboy Mansion,
he'd stack five playmates
on top of each other on a bed
and fingerfuck them all.
Five at a time.
Because his hands
were so big.
So...
That's it.
Thanks, Grandpa.
"De Oppresso Liber."
Motto of the Green Berets.
It means
"to liberate the oppressed."
Hey. You ready?
Yep.
Well, thanks for the ride.
You gonna be okay, Dad?
I miss her.
But I'll be okay.
I was a shitty father
and I'm sorry.
Well, we'll work
on it.
You're a hard man
to track down, Professor.
Are those my pants?
Yeah, these are
your pants.
I found a Werther's
Original in the pocket
and I've been
sucking on it all morning.
You do know that I'm not
a professor, right?
Yeah, I know.
You're just a dirty,
dirty grandpa,
and I'm just a girl
from Long Island City
who likes to f*ck
old people.
I like your
pull-out couch.
Yeah, well,
I got news for you.
That's the only thing
that's gonna be
pulling out tonight.
I'll be right back.
Hey.
Look, I'm... I'm sorry.
I don't know
if I can do this.
I haven't done it
for a long time.
Whoops! I guess
they just slipped off.
I want you to tear
open my bra
like it's a social
security check.
Tell me you've fallen
and you can't get up.
"Help, I've fallen
and I can't get up."
No!
Now fumble around
and pretend
like you're trying
to find your glasses.
"I'm trying to find
my glasses. I can't see.
"I found them!
I can see! I can see!"
Tell me it's 4:00
and you want to eat dinner.
"It's 4:00
and I want to eat dinner."
Tell me the buttons
on your remote control
are so small
that you can't find Fox News.
"The buttons
on my remote control
"are so small
I can't find Fox News!"
Tell me how small they are!
"They're real small!"
Tell me how this neighborhood
used to be safer!
"This neighborhood
used to be safer!"
Tell me how things were
better under Eisenhower!
"Things were better
under Eisenhower!"
- We like Ike!
- We like Ike!
- We like Ike!
- We like Ike!
We like Ike!
We like Ike!
We like Ike!
We like Ike!
We like Ike!
Are you
cumming or dying?
I'm not sure!
Maybe both!
"...for as by a man
came death.
"By a man has
come also life."
Richard Kelly II.
Congratulations on the
baby's new godparents,
Jason and Shadia.
Congratulations!
Back to Mommy.
All baptized.
You just keep
surprising me, Grandpa.
New dad at 72.
Great f*cking idea.
Hey, watch your
potty mouth!
- Jesus, sorry...
- Yeah, clean up your language.
And show some respect
for your new grandmother!
I'm sorry, honey.
That's all right.
And sweetie, would it k*ll
you to visit us sometimes?
We never see you.
Sorry, Nanna.
- You wanna go grab the car?
- Yeah.
All right, I'll pull around
the minivan.
Go to Daddy.
There we go,
come to Daddy.
All right.
It's a little bit weird.
She's my grandma.
And you're my uncle.
- Look at that.
- Holy sh*t!
It's a good d*ck.
My God!
Put that away.
- It's our d*ck.
- Yeah.
I'm just relieved
it's not his d*ck.
You want to get
the bottle for me?
Yeah.
Jamba!
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Dirty Grandpa (2016)
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