17x06 - A Three Ring Man

[bunniefuu]

Well, well, well. Ooh! Oh, no, no. Yes!Argh! JOANNE HISSES

Argh! Erm... Quite windy today. Yeah. Christ.

Whoo! Wrong way. That's how you do it, baby. OK.

Oh, my God! VARIOUS CRIES AND YELLS APPLAUSE

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

Thank you! Hello, welcome to Taskmaster, the show where elite comic minds unravel

like a ball of wool. We're essentially in the Colosseum, but with a little less stabby stabby, and a disappointing lack of... HE ROARS

Let the games commence. Please welcome Joanne McNally... APPLAUSE

..John Robins... APPLAUSE ..Nick Mohammed... APPLAUSE ..Sophie Willan... APPLAUSE

..and Steve Pemberton. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And sitting next to me, a man who looks like

a poodle who just about escaped a house fire on his hind legs... LAUGHTER

..Little Alex Horne. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Mm, thank you. Thank you, Greg.

Well, hi, Greg. How was my weekend? Well...it was one of the great weekends.

Yeah. I caught up with my aunt. Yeah. Which was amazing, cos she's a really fast runner, and I normally lag behind. We did our relay.

You know we do the relay in the village, all the friends and family, and we did the 4x100. Yeah. So 100 people doing four metres each and just...

..and I was parallel with Aunt Polly, so, erm, overtook her in the final metre of the four and,

uh, first time I've managed to do that. And we can came eight... 88th we came.

LAUGHTER Woof, woof, woof, woof.

All right, prize task time. What have we got for episode six, Alex? You asked them to bring in the best thing that you can get into.

Hmm. There's the usual five points for the best thing that you can get into, and I thought it worth pointing out that there's also three points

for the most mid-table thing. Back to you, Greg. Appreciate you, brother.

All right, John, what's the best thing that... It's quite a tricky one to phrase, this, isn't it?

..you'd like me to get into? Greg, you've got to get into memes.

John, I have not. LAUGHTER So what I have done to help you be more active

in the meme scene is I've created my very own Taskmaster memes.

Take a look at this, Greg.

Maybe I'm more into memes than I thought. Do you want to see another meme? Second meme.

It's a bit of fun. Greg, you're having fun. Yeah. I'm an old man sweating looking at something

I don't want to get into. Hi, Nick. What have you brought me that I might want to get into?

I thought, and particularly cos you are often very hot, one of the things that you could get into

would be the concept of adding a ice cube to a glass of white wine.

Wow. Just one single cube. Here it is. Lovely.

Honestly, tr... Don't knock it till you've tried it, because it really works. I'm not putting ice in my wine, Nick.

Just a single cube? Not at all, because I'm not a p*ssy.

You're just not bringing anything new to me, Nick. If I want cold wine, I'm going to put it in my fridge. Obviously it goes in the fridge at the start,

but I'm saying that when you pour it out and it's sort of sat there... So what you've brought in is the ability for me to have a glass of wine, uh...

I didn't... But I didn't. ..at a certain distance from my fridge. LAUGHTER

OK, Sophie, take over, for God's sake. I can't really, cos I realised I've forgotten and brought the wrong present.

Is it worth explaining at the sixth episode of this series that these aren't presents for Greg? Oh, are they not? I do judge it, so it's... You do.

It's very wise... I thought we had to give you a gift. It's wise if it appeals to me. I thought, "He's a bit greedy, in't he?"

LAUGHTER This is a human hamster ball... Yeah?

..that you can get into and have a wheel. Roll around. Roll around. It is big. Yeah.

Ooh! Freedom. It's the opposite of freedom.

Simple. Why might I like it? Why might anyone like it? Well, who doesn't want to roll around?

Oh, come on, eh? Would you like to go down a hill in one of those? I would absolutely love to get in that.

OK, we'll push you down a hill. Joanne, you all right? Yes, so I, as you know have been, er,

been quite experiential with the presents. And it hasn't worked in my... They're not presents!

So this time, I've gone for a sleeping sarcophagi. So that's me in the thing.

LAUGHTER You can be Tutankhamun at night, and you can close your eyes and you're in the Valley of the Kings.

Yeah. It's all gold. Yeah, I can see it. Yeah. LAUGHTER

Steve, only you can save this round. I hope I can do something that you will enjoy as your present.

I have brought you... LAUGHTER

As the prize, uh, I have brought you in today's Guardian newspaper. Oh.

I thought, like, a hobby, you could get into doing cryptic crosswords. This better get good soon, mate. OK.

Can I say, by the way, there was a Guardian in my dressing room today? Yeah, and mine. And mine. And there was also one in mine. Right.

Well, did anyone do the cryptic crossword? No. All right. I won't open that lefty stuff.

OK, well, what I hope someone might have been impressed by is the fact that I wrote today's cryptic crossword.

Ah, now we're talking. We can have a look at it. Oh, well done. Nice. APPLAUSE

I've filled in some of the answers for you. The other thing you can do with cryptic crosswords, you can hide hidden messages within them

if you get the right combination of words. As you can see, if you look at the G of ghettoes on the left there

and read down the unchecked letters, you'll see I've put you in the crossword. "Greg," nice! Oh!

And if you also read the rest of the hidden message... "Greg, please give Steve...

"..all five points." APPLAUSE

Steve, the only problem for me now is how to reward you suitably and to punish these four.

I am points-hungry tonight, Greg. My God. If you want to shift the four across, the three across,

the two across, I'll take 'em all, cos that took ages.

Shall I give some points out? Yes, please. Um, obviously...

I find it very difficult to be mean to you, Nick. Aw. One point. Thank you.

I'm sorry, John, I just... I'm not excited by memes, and I have a reputation. I'm an ex-teacher who despises children, so two points to John.

OK. The inflatable ball, three points, just because I want to push Sophie Willan down a hill.

Uh, I'll give the sarcophagus four points. Thank you. And it feels like you've been robbed in many ways that you don't get more than five points, but that's,

that's the prize section, or as I call it... ..Greg's Gift Section.

Five points to Steve. APPLAUSE Right, on we go. OK, and the first task involves a choose Mr Mohammed basket.

I'm so sorry, no, I mean a picnic hamper. GREG GROANS, DELAYED LAUGHTER

Pleasure to see you. John Robins. Alex Horne. Basket. Wheel. Chair.

A lovely label here, it says, "To John, from Nick." "To Nick from Sophie."

We're not going on a picnic, are we? Couldn't think of anything worse.

"Make a bespoke personal hamper for Steve Pemberton." "Make a bespoke personal hamper for Sophie Willan."

"..for Nick Mohammed." "..for John Robins." "..for Joanne McNally. "You have ten minutes. Your time starts now."

Sophie, you do have to also spin this wheel. One big spin.

Something from nature... Mm-hm. ..for Nick to suit his personality.

Oh! Action. My theme is picnic. Lovely. Oh, yeah, perfect. It's got to all be red.

I've got to get a hamper full of red items, I would imagine. Yes. He's older, isn't he? Older than...?

Anyone else. So I just want to remind him of that. Ah. Cos soon he will be dead.

I got some hot sauce, cos she's quite a spicy character. Sunflower to match his sunny disposition. Lovely.

Right, there is a new bag in this, so... Lucky John. Lucky John, eh? HE GROANS

There you go. Dog walking lead. All the red marbles out of the big marble thing.

Oh, can I spin again? I want to mix it up a bit. Picnic! Well, we've got the hamper, haven't we? So that's good.

And this for him in the bath, cos when you're old, you have to be careful in the bath. Pudding. Bungee cord. Flowers. Obviously paper plates. Obviously.

A train. Pineapple for afters. Juice. Plain flour? Plain flour, yes.

What's he going to do with that? Baking. Baking. I'm just going to attach the G clamp.

Little bit of red carpet. I think this'll do, because this, it's both a picnic blanket and a blanket. Right.

This cos I know he likes weird sh*t, and these to keep his sugar levels up. And I'm going to play a little joke on her,

so when she opens it, she gets a nice surprise and she'll think of me and she'll thank me.

Love it. Can't believe you got it all in. I know! WHISTLE BLOWS Perfect.

Well, I suppose I should give you the right to reply about having a hamper filled with things that suggest you're teetering on the edge of death.

Yeah. And into weird sh*t. Sorry, Steve. You're suggesting that Steve needs an assisted bath.

I mean, he's a man in his 50s. I don't know why I thought you were older than you are. I don't know why. Oh, God.

AUDIENCE MEMBER EXCLAIMS Sorry! For what it's worth, I was very happy with what you put.

Including litter pickers cos old people like picking up litter. LAUGHTER

Well, look I'm excited, let's crack on. OK, so we're going to come back to that one later on, so for now, here is another introduction video.

There he is. Hi, Steve. Hi.

Hello. Hello. One, two, three, four... ..five, six, seven, eight?

Lovely. Right. Oh, God. Yeah. One, two, three, four...

Paper. OK. Sorry, that's a rock, actually. ..five, six, seven, eight.

One, two, three, four... ..once I saw a fish alive.

One, two, three, four... ..I declare a thumb w*r. Ah.

Oh, God. Oh, why? That's... Ah! That makes sense. "Have the most exciting thumb w*r with Alex."

You have 20 minutes. Your time starts now. Mm. Tequila? One, two, three, four. I declare a thumb w*r.

Five, six, seven, eight. Who do you appreciate? Can we get some tequila?

Do you want me to get the tequila? Yeah. Ah. And shots. Come on, a bit of craic. You haven't had a drop since I met you.

How many of you knew what a thumb w*r was? Did you? Cos I... I thought, from the VT, it looked like John was

the only one who'd heard of a thumb w*r. I just forgot the intro. Yes, well, your mind was full

of how quickly you can get hammered. Yeah.

Straight to a national stereotype. "Let's get hammered." There's no smoke without fire. What can I say?

Yeah. Did you come out dressed as a leprechaun as well? Too far. Oh, too...

Let's watch some people doing a thumb w*r, and presumably Joanne getting hammered.

Well, first up it's Thumb-phie Willan and Knuckle Mohammed. Here we go.

I've lost you a bit. Oh, you've lost me a bit? Hang on. I'm here.

STEADY BEAT PLAYS

One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb w*r.

Oh, that was too easy, actually... No, get off. It's stuck. Yeah. I'm done.

NICK PLAYS NOTES

Declare a thumb w*r.

Oh, didn't go far, did it? Cheers, Alex. Well played. APPLAUSE

I really liked it, Nick. Oh, really? Uh, and... You know, I've made it very clear during this series I don't like a pun, but I didn't mind Thumbley Stadium. Yeah.

Nick is really good at thumb wars. Yeah. And by stark contrast...

I thought we were creating high-end art here. Right, with the guy with the pigeon on his head?

I was disappointed with the thumb w*r cos you're very quick. I mean the thumb w*r itself was, uh, sh*t. But...

I've got tiny hands, though, I mean, I've got the hands of sort of somewhere between an old man and a baby. Yeah.

They're very small and weird. Well done with Thumbley Stadium, Nick. LAUGHTER

Thanks, Greg. Well done. Thank you. It's good, says a lot that so far, Thumbley Stadium is my favourite part of this task.

Now for the attempts of John and Joanne.

Hello. Hello, Alex. Hello, John.

Basically, there's three condiments. There's mustard, custard, and peri peri sauce. Mm-hm.

You've got a spit bucket here. A shot of rum here. The game is - you keep one thumb clean for the whole game,

and if you sully that thumb, you're out. Ah. So you dip all nine other fingers into the condiment,

suck it off. All nine into the next condiment... BOTH: ..suck it off. Then the last clean thumb - you dip it in the mustard, custard,

and stick it to the other person's head. OK. "Win the thumb w*r.

"You may not cross the lines of fire. "Last thumb standing wins.

"From this moment onwards, you may only communicate using "Queen song titles." Don't Stop Me Now.

Fee-fi-fo-thumb... Go!

OK. Hmm... Oh, qui... Oh, no. Sick. Oh, really?

Action This Day. WHISTLE BLOWS

Ooh! Fat Bottomed Girl. The Miracle.

Urgh!

What the f*ck is that? I forgot to keep that clean! Me too. Ah!

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE That's how you do it, baby.

Argh! We Are The Champions! APPLAUSE

What percentage of every day are you thinking about the band Queen, John? When you're wearing a Freddie Mercury jacket,

uh, it's on your mind. It's on your mind. I didn't know that many Queen songs. No. I looked up some afterwards.

We could've had Flick Of The Wrist from... A Night At The Opera. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Uh, uh, no, no, no.

Uh-oh! Sheer Heart Attack. It is Sheer Heart Attack. Someone's been kicked out of the Queen fan club!

I'm actually in the Queen fan club.

Joanne, the thing that I found intriguing about your game is I felt it was a game you've played many times before.

And Joanne had a catchphrase that was sandwiched between every rule. Suck it off.

It was called Custard And Mustard, Oh, My. What were the rules? I mean, I got into it... Yeah. ..but I didn't know why. I just wanted shots,

speed, custard, and then it was like, uh... That would be such a great T-shirt.

It would be an amazing logo on a T-shirt, perhaps with one addition. GREG AND JOANNE: Shots, speed... Custard.

JOANNE ON RECORDING: Suck it off. And for our final w*r of the opposables,

it's Steve Pemberthumb. Oh, that's good!

Charge! We have come to claim our territory. This is righty territory.

No, it's not! It most certainly is. One, two, three, four...

SOFTLY: ..I declare a thumb w*r. CHARGE!

Argh! NO!

What are we doing, leftie? Why are we fighting this w*r? You said it was your territory.

We both belong together. Here, come, let me help you. Can you come up? Thumbs up. Thumbs up!

I've lost a lot of good men in this w*r, you know. Pinky, Ring, Middle, Index, all gone.

What say we go and watch the footy, eh? I love the footy. Let's go. Let's go, then. Come on.

APPLAUSE

We wanted to go for an anti-w*r message... Yes. ..and I think that came across really powerfully.

Too many people have perished in thumb wars, Steve. I thought it was, uh, well-conceived...

..moving... Yeah, very moving. ..and, at times, exciting.

Right, then, five contrasting thumb wars, Greg. We've got to take into consideration the quality of

the thumb w*r. Why am I looking at you, Sophie? It's weird, innit? I think it's cos you...

..you're going to... give me the bottom.

My instinct is to give you one point. What do you think? I think it's reasonable. Yeah. LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

I loved the production values, and felt the same sort of excitement level for Nick and John, if I'm honest,

so I'm going to give Nick and John three points each. I'm going to give Joanne four, but, my God,

how can I deny... LAUGHING: ..the beautiful tribute that was the Battle Of The Thumb? Five points.

There you go. So Steve's done it again. Well done, Steve. Five points. I'd like to see the scores, please, Alex. Of course you would. Well, our habitual bottom guys -

Nick and Sophie - are still there with four points each. Joanne's got eight. Steve's in the lead with ten this time. All right, then.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Right, let's have another.

This one has that familiar mix of darts and drinks and awkward positions.

Hello, team. Hello, Alex. Hiya. One on the doormat, one in the doorway, please.

One on the doormat, one in the doorway? OK, I'll go doorway. I'll go doormat. Uh-oh. Hi.

Shall I go mat, do you want to go in the dome? You go in the dome there. I was on the college darts team, I'll just tell you that.

Were you? Yeah. OK, go on, you go in there. You go there. Oh, I see. Right. You've made your beds. Yeah. Oh, all right, here we go. Oh, no.

Do you want to read it? Whose is that? That's not... That's part of the task. Right. Part of the task. I thought someone had just left it. Right.

OK, so it says, "Make the most moves on the movement circles. "Your team-mate must flip a bottle

"then throw a dart at each dartboard to create a move."

"If they get a bull's-eye, you have free choice. "Also, if they successfully land the bottle flip,

"your team-mate may place a dart anywhere in the dartboard." "Also, if they successfully land the bottle flip,

"your team-mate may place a dart anywhere in the dartboard." And is it a bull's-eye on either of the dartboards?

Yeah, so a bull's-eye on that one would give free choice of part of the body. Yeah. Bull's-eye on that one, free choice of colour. OK, that makes sense.

"Longest movement sequence successfully made wins." So Sophie's on bottle flip.

Right. John's on darts. Joanne's on movement. Do I need to know anything, Steve, in terms of like,

uh, like, dodgy knees or anything that you, uh...? Just dodgy body. Dodgy bum, dodgy... Yeah.

OK, everyone understand? No. Yeah. Let's go. Yeah. Oh, hang on, the darts captain has taken his jacket off.

Can I...? Are we filming? We're filming. Sex sells, John.

APPLAUSE

On the college darts team, were we? I was captain of the... Jesus Christ, the heat is on.

Especially a man who's stripped down to a vest. LAUGHTER

Steve, are you getting sick of the age-related slams yet? Your team-mate asking if you had any ailments.

I think Nick was looking out for me. It was just common courtesy, that was, really. Oh, OK, you'd have asked anyone that. I would've asked absolutely anyone that.

Yeah. Not just Grandpa. Let's crack on. Right, it's the team of two up first, as Nick steps up to the oche

to influence Steve's dodgy body. Here we go. Here we go, and... Right. Pathetic. Unsuccessful.

So, uh, I'll try and throw a bull's-eye. OK, no, it's bum, so that's good. Right, bum, good start. Um, uh... Ooh, right on the line.

Brown bum or pink bum? No, that is bum in the pink. Bum in the pink. There you go. So that's one move completed.

I think I'm doing it too high in the air. Right, left foot...

..yellow. Left foot, yellow. Basically on it. Great. Fine. Here we go. Two moves completed. Oh, every time.

Ooh, we have a left hand. Left hand. Left hand. White'd be good.

There you go. It is white. Left hand, white. Ah! Three movements. OK. Right elbow. Right elbow's in play. OK.

Oh, it's white. White. There is a white back there. Yeah, there you go! Five movements complete.

Right elbow in the end. Oh, right elbow. Right. So that's already in play. Oh, I see. What would you prefer? To keep it where it is?

Oh, yeah. Quite comfortable here. It's black and that's in the middle. STEVE SNIGGERS Right.

That hand must stay on there. Yeah, I know! How can I get that to there? I think we'll count any...

If any of your bum is on pink, that'll be fine. Is that...? Yeah, that counts. Here we go again.

That is dreadful. Oh, my God, Steve. Right, it's over.

APPLAUSE Nick, it feels rude of me to say that I just had

a gut instinct you'd be no good at darts. Oh!

I still think, though, we had got it the right way round. I think in hindsight, if we'd have done it the... You think the RIGHT way round? Yeah.

Of course. How were you going to get from brown to pink to yellow? You'd have to sort of... In my cape. Oh, of course. Oh, yeah.

Oh, you'd have bounced around nicely, wouldn't you? Yeah, I would've. But it was nice for Steve to be able to have a nap, so... Yeah.

Cos I'm quite flexible, and because I'm quite small as well I don't know if that's... Maybe that's not helpful.

I don't think that's an advantage. No, it's not an advantage. Ever. You're not small! Sorry. I didn't even hear what you said.

Oh, good! It's a compliment. It's the team of three's turn now, with Joanne in the dome, John at the oche, and BAFTA award-winning comedian

and writer Sophie Willan standing at the side tossing a bottle about a bit. Here we go. I'm actually quite nimble. This is good. OK, yeah.

And how are you at bottle flipping, Sophie? Well, we'll find out. OK, well, you may flip. Right.

Off you go, John. Ready? Yeah. Oh, nice. Left hand.

Brown. Smashed it. Well... Yeah, that's not a successful bottle flip.

Close. Left elbow. Uh-oh. OK, so we need pink or brown.

Oh, well done. Pink. Left elbow, pink. Yeah.

Right. So we ideally want bum, white. Bum, white. Bum.

That is... Oh, that is bum white! Oh! That is, well done.

It'd be lovely if it lands on that table. It's left hand, white. This is actually the hardest bit. Yeah.

Left elbow, pink. a*s, black. Left hand, yellow.

YES! Oh! What have we got now? Sophie can choose what Joanne does. Right hand, brown, Sophie.

Right hand, brown, please. OK. That's the bull's-eye. It's bull's-eye. What do you want to move?

My right knee, please. Right knee. Black, please. Black. It's black.

That's bull's-eye. That's the bull's-eye. You've got a bull's-eye. That's bull's-eye.

It's bull's-eye again. Bull's-eye. Bull's-eye.

How long left? I think infinity. It's most moves. I'm going to try for the right foot.

And is. Right foot. So right foot, we want brown or pink. Brown. So your right foot... Yeah. OK.

Uh, we need a knee on black please, unfortunately, in there. Oh, no. Oh, sh*t. Bit of a problem here. That might not be possible.

That is the end of your first movement. Now if you all switch round one place. What, that's the first part?

No, I'm only joking. APPLAUSE

The bottle was a bit of a set-up really, wasn't it? It's just to make you look like a prick. Yeah.

Yeah, he knows what he's doing. If you can't throw a bottle. Yeah, but it's very hard. You did pick your positions.

I was forced into mine by the darts champion. That is true. I mean, fair play, he's good at darts.

Yeah. He's good at darts. Genuinely impressive, wasn't it? Yeah. I'm not sure we got to test how nimble you were.

Um, in fairness... So how many moves? Like, I was in that dome for a good... JOHN: Hour. ..hour.

So how many different moves did they manage to do? A total of 43. Wow! APPLAUSE

So five points to the team of three. And what shall I give these poor f*ck?

The old man and the little boy. Five?

It's a thought. Two points - let's call it charity. Five and two.

Well, there we go. Two points, and five points to the team of three. APPLAUSE Right, can we get going with another task, please?

Ooh! Yes, of course, and, hey, remember what happened earlier on in the show?

Hello, Alex. Hello, John. Right, here we are. "To Nick. From Sophie."

Is this the hamper? I put one together for John, I think. Aw! "To Steve. From Joanne." Is this a gift?

Do you remember making one of them? I don't. Nah. Oh, right, it's from Nick. That's handy.

Is it...? Was it..? Is it colour...? Is it colour-coded for a reason? Red. He thinks I'm angry?

Or sexual. Oh, wow. Shall I?

"Create a picture of the person that gave you this hamper..." "..using the contents of this hamper."

"Best hamper picture wins. You have 15 minutes." "Create a picture of the person..." So, like...

Yeah, this is your canvas. Ah, OK. OK. OK. "You have 15 minutes. Your time starts now." Fab.

I've already got a human head, which is a great start for any likeness.

Got two trifles, a baguette. A lovely little red bit of carpet.

Uh, I met Steve years ago, and I was with my grandad, and they actually have the same face.

They've got the same nose. It goes up. I would say he's quite romantic. Is that because there are some roses in the hamper?

Yeah. Yeah. OK, she has an hourglass figure. Ah!

I think that's sort of going to be our background. Lovely. Well, we're going to start with his tuxedo.

A lovely round face. We could always have this to prop up the head,

because, you know, behind every head, there is a skull. Oh, no, do you know what? That's his tongue cos he's

a smart guy. I'd say he could cut you. With his tongue? Yeah. A ski slope nose, you see?

Oh, no. That's the shape of her. Oh, you DO know what she looks like.

I need to make sure the face is there. Very important, yeah.

She has lovely blonde hair, and luckily we have something roughly the right shade. I'm going to make his testicles the roses.

Like, I think he's respectful in the sack. That's what they indicate. And I think it's going to have to be beans for the face.

Oh, look, it's even sticking to the thing because of the banana slime. Just like her actual hair. Just like... STEVE LAUGHS

And obviously Sophie's famously got those bright orange eyes. Oh, the cushion? That's again for under here.

He's the kind of guy who'd offer a cushion if you needed to be on your knees around him. He's a romantic.

I mean, it's not actually turning out to be that bad, I have to say. It's not actually going too badly. Right.

It's not bad. I don't think that's bad. No, you've said that 12 times now.

Cos I know John has a certain "je ne sais quoi." Exactly what these crisps are. I feel like Neil Buchanan, actually.

Cos she's obviously not blue. Oh, she smells, doesn't she? She DOES smell, doesn't she?

She's trying desperately to cover that bald spot up. I do the centre of the eye.

Any legs for John, or not really? I haven't seen him walking around much, to be honest. A lot going on.

Yeah, I think that's lovely. He shouldn't have a hat on, should he?

I don't think. No. Thanks, Sophie.

Yeah. Really good. Fabulous, thank you. APPLAUSE

Yet again... I know. ..Grandad is slammed. Unbelievable, isn't it? It's incredible, innit? Yeah. And is there any truth that he looked like... He met my grandad!

I did meet Sophie's grandad at a do. I do actually have the photo. Yeah. Well, then let us be the judge. NICK: Aw!

You're right! They have sort of got a similar face. He was sloshed that night, actually. Nearly got kicked out. Did he?

Well, he insulted Melvyn Bragg from across the room. Did he? LAUGHTER He just screamed at him,

"I've got your book, I fell asleep, it was shite." LAUGHTER APPLAUSE

It was awful! Let's start with Steve's portrait of Joanne.

I love it! Yeah, I'm pleased with that. Highlights look good. You're blow-drying your hair.

SOPHIE: Oh, yeah. Is she? How's she...? Oh, she is! Yeah, she's blow-drying her hair. Yes. There's a lot of detail in it. I love it!

What's going on with her top lip? Is it me? Yeah, she's looking in the mirror, she's, like, giving it all... .."Suck it off."

LAUGHTER APPLAUSE I would say one detail you can't see there is that,

underneath the face, there is a skull. Yeah. Which is quite a detail. That is nice, isn't it?

Memento mori. "Remember... GRADUAL LAUGHTER "..we are all going to die."

Yeah, and I'm not reminded enough of my own mortality, Steve, you're right. Well, I f*cking have been tonight. Yeah. LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE Who's next? We've seen Steve's picture of Joanne,

now it's Joanne's picture of John. JOHN: I like it cos it looks like a memorial to me.

I think it looks someone who's dropped a hamper. Well, it's, uh,..

My understanding was it was the essence of John, and I knew John to be a very sweet, romantic man, so that's kind of what I went with, and also...

That's not what I heard in your earlier description. APPLAUSE It's a real man puts down a cushion, Greg, I can tell you.

And roses for hands. Roses for hands! Yes. And testicles. LAUGHTER

Good. Well, who's next? OK, so now it's John's turn. Let's see his picture of Nick. NICK: Oh!

Well, I wanted to represent the magic in Nick's career, so he is bursting out of a bin.

LAUGHTER So I used the flour to create the tuxedo,

and his face is made of beans. LAUGHTER I love the way you've caught the thick chinstrap that Nick wears.

Good. Who's next? OK, well, obviously it's now Nick's picture of Sophie.

LAUGHTER I genuinely don't think that's too bad.

He's captured an energy of sorts. Yeah. Baffled.

Yeah. Yeah. If you imagine that face turning round to you and going, "Huh?" LAUGHTER

OK. OK. One more. This is how Sophie Willan sees Steve Pemberton.

LAUGHTER NICK: Yours is really good, Sophie. That's really good.

APPLAUSE I look like a Mr Man. LAUGHTER I just saw it and went, "Yes."

OK, well, here are all five of the portraits. Well, honestly, I don't think Joanne's necessarily captured

the man. There was some detail in there, I'm going to give it two points, not one. Oh. Ah, thank you. I'm giving John three points.

Then I think I'm going to give Nick and Steve four points,

because I just think that Sophie... Yes! I think Sophie has captured the man, somehow.

So that's five points to Sophie Willan! What are the scores? The scores... Well, it's very satisfying, it goes 16, 15, 14, 13,

10 for Nick. LAUGHTER And it's Steve at the top at the moment. It looks like this. Let's have a look. SOPHIE: Come on!

APPLAUSE Well done!

Well, it's that time again. Please make your way to the stage for the final task of the show! APPLAUSE

Hello, you lovely boy. Oh, thanks, Greg. It's a team task. I know. One member from each team must stand on the gold circles beneath.

Team of two, who's going to stand on the golden circle? Me. Team of three, who's going to stand on the golden circle? I am. Ah, Joanne.

Please, Joanne and Nick, make your way down to the golden circles. Not that way! Oh. No, that way...

You, that way, yes, but not... LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Who will be reading the team task out? I would like Sophie to read the task. "Completely cover your team-mate in rubber rings.

"Catchers must face the Taskmaster at all times "with their hands above their head.

"Throwers must stay behind the white line. "First team to completely cover their team-mate

"in rubber rings wins." He'll be gone in three rings. LAUGHTER

Not with my hands in the air, surely! I mean, Nick's a three-ring man. He's a three-ring man!

Greg, I'm going to come down into the trough to retrieve the rings and fling them back, and then I'll blow the whistle and we'll start,

but the hands must be above the head. Good. STEVE: And we can't go past this white line? You can't go past. If anyone catches you going over this line,

your team will be disqualified. SOPHIE: Right. Greg, when's the game over? The game is only over if I shout, "I cannot see Nick,"

or, "I cannot see Joanne." OK. Flingers, get ready. OK, good luck, hands up.

Head back, head back. Hands up. Let's go. WHISTLE BLOWS And we're off.Oh!

JOHN: You can move, Joanne, once they're on. AUDIENCE CHEERS

Don't cross that line, Sophie. I'm not! Yes! We have one over here.

Good.

Argh! Oh, hands up, hands up at all times. Oh, they're catching up.

JOHN: Lean back. AUDIENCE GROANS

CHEERS Oh, it's close, it's close! Oh, God!

I can just see a little bit of Nick! Yes!

I cannot see Nick! I cannot see Nick! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That was electric. Right, let's free them, and let's add that to the final scores. Come and join me.

APPLAUSE

Well. It was so close. So close! Fine margins, it's all about fine margins.

It's all about fine margins. You want to see some fine margins? JOANNE GASPS, AUDIENCE GROANS

If you're going to show me margins, you make them fine. Have a look at this fine margin.

JOHN: Oh! Well, I think what I can see there... Oh, that's Steve.

..is a foot that's a little bit over the line. Please, please. I mean, I'm not sure it's conclusive.

But I can show you this one. Yeah. Well, that would be another foot over the line, would it?

That was about 20 seconds later, or I could show you this one. Oh, a third? Oh, my... NICK: Steve!

I'm sorry. No, don't worry. You don't have to disqualify us.

You think I don't have to follow the rules of the competition, Steve? Yeah, I do. I think it's your rules, your game.

Well, as much as it breaks my heart, rules are rules. I'm afraid Nick and Steve are disqualified.

AUDIENCE GROANS Listen, don't start @-ing me.

We said what the rule was - if you cross the line, you're disqualified so I'm afraid it's five points to the team of three.

Wow, and poor old Nick... I know. I mean, I was at the bottom anyway, but still. LAUGHTER

And not just the episode, the series. The series as well, yeah. You're on 72 points. Yeah. The next one's on 83. That's Sophie. 98 to Steve,

Joanne's on 105, John's on 113. Joanne's doing really well. Yeah, you shouldn't seem surprised at one person.

LAUGHTER No, I'm not... Not surprised, like, genuinely proud. I think it's brilliant.

So tell me some scores. That's put the cat amongst the pigeons, so to speak. Again. Yes, Nick is rooted on ten points.

You can't get much lower than that. LAUGHTER But with double that score, it's her first victory.

20 points goes to Joanne McNally. Oh! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ah!

Joanne McNally is the winner of episode six! Please go and get your things you can get into.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So what have we learnt from today's show?

We've learnt it's exciting being part of a big show like this, just as it's exciting being part of a new phenomena, OK?

Because, let's face it, it's not going to be long until the number one Christmas game is going to be

Mustard, Custard, Oh, My. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

But, of course, it's all about the winner of episode six. It's Joanne McNally!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE