18x02 - ..And Then a Detective Comes In

[bunniefuu]

HE SIGHS WEARILY

SHE SQUEALS, HE GROANS

LOUD THUNK

Oh... Whoo!

SHE LAUGHS

expl*si*n, SHE SCREAMS

ROBOT TRILLS

Oh, you're useless at this.

TYPEWRITER DINGS

HE SQUEALS

Prrp! Ooh!

Ahh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Welcome to Taskmaster.

Five comedians,
naked as the day they were born,

fighting to the death
using primitive weapons.

Sure, we've had to tweak
the original format,

but it'll still be fun.
LAUGHTER

Let's welcome our warriors
once again -

Andy Zaltzman...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Babatunde Aleshe...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Emma Sidi...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Jack Dee...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..and Rosie Jones.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And next to me,
a man who doesn't know

what colour his bedroom walls are
because he's put so many posters

of Howard from Take That on them.
LAUGHTER

IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:
It's Little Alex Horne!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Don't deny it. Thank you. Yeah.

Are you ready
for a viewer's favourite?

It's Horne's Hot List!

JINGLE PLAYS
VOICEOVER: Horne's Hot List.

LAUGHTER

This is when I, Horne,

say what's hot
and what's not hot right now.

Hot, sweatbands.

These guys are great.
LAUGHTER

Not hot, jeans. Come on, guys.

It's not 1969 anymore.
LAUGHTER

That was Horne's Hot List.

JINGLE PLAYS
VOICEOVER: Horne's Hot List.

LAUGHTER

They're very, very itchy
so I'm going to take them off.

Well, they've done their job,
haven't they?

Yeah, we got everyone going.
They've created a great atmosphere.

LAUGHTER

It's Prize Task time.

Oh, yes.
AKA, the actual start of the show.

Mm-hm.

Too right. We're creatures of habit,
aren't we?

Like nuns, or something.

And the category this week is...
LAUGHTER

The category is the most serious
object that looks quite silly.

Poor old Greg has to judge them

and give five points
to his favourite serious object

that looks quite silly,
and at the end of the episode,

the overall winner will take home
five seriously silly things.

Back to you, Greg.

Right. Baba, hello.

Hey. We're going to start
with you this week. OK.

You all right? I'm good.
BABATUNDE GIGGLES NERVOUSLY

LAUGHTER

You've brought a serious thing
that's also silly.

Yes, I have.

This is what he's brought in.
A serious thing that looks silly.

LAUGHTER

I mean, come on now. Look at that.

Like, back in the day
when they used...the Vikings

and they'd be going to, like,

their little battles
with their axes and stuff,

if you showed up...

All right, bear with me here.

HE LAUGHS
It's just a sh*t...

LAUGHTER

It's just a sh*t fancy dress helmet.

If you showed up in Tottenham
with a Viking hat,

we'd kick your arse!

LAUGHTER

HE LAUGHS

OK. Well, it's not on my bucket list.

LAUGHTER

Emma, what have you brought in?

A Comic Sans clock.

Here it is.

LAUGHTER

You know,
you only have so much time,

we're against the clock.

I just think it's reasonably
serious. Oh, in terms of life.

Yes. That's serious. Right.

Yeah.

Comic Sans, that's a bit silly.

LAUGHTER

I just don't know why
you need to add "is my daddy".

LAUGHTER

That's a little bit more silly,
isn't it? Don't you think?

Yeah. I'd say that's more serious,
to be honest. That's...

LAUGHTER

I'll have to reflect on it,
Emma. Thank you. OK.

Andy. Yes? Who's your daddy?

LAUGHTER

Uh, well, what I've brought in,
Greg, is an effigy

of the Gunpowder Plot celeb,
Guy Fawkes.

LAUGHTER

Who was Guy Fawkes?

Guy Fawkes was someone
who tried to blow up parliament.

Do you know how he was ex*cuted,
Greg?

I do. I've been in the room
it happened in.

No, I think it happened outside,
didn't it?

Oh, the execution. Yes.

Sorry, I...I've been... I've been
in the room where he was tortured.

Oh, right. OK.
LAUGHTER

So, basically, we're...we're dealing
with the brutality of humanity...

Yeah. ..and we've turned it
into something fun for the kids

to do on the 5th of November.

Very good. Hello, Jack.

Hello. You all right? Yeah. You?

Yes, I'm good.

Enough of the small talk.

LAUGHTER

What silly and serious thing
have you brought in?

Uh, I've brought in, uh,

something which is serious
but I think it looks silly.

It's an abseiling harness.

LAUGHTER

So, you know
when you see people, like, climbing

and they think they're clever,

but I don't cos they're wearing one
of those, and it looks silly.

It looks like it's...

I don't know whether they think
they're clever, do they?

It looks like a sort
of exoskeletal nappy.

LAUGHTER

But it is serious
cos you need to wear one

cos it'll hold you if you fall...
Mm.

..and that's why I think people
who wear them think they're clever.

LAUGHTER

And... And they're not,

and I think
we should discuss that more.

LAUGHTER

And are you suggesting

that people shouldn't wear
safety harnesses?

Yeah. Thanks, Jack. All right.

LAUGHTER

Hello. Hello.

You all right?

Yeah. How are you?
Yeah, not too bad. Yeah. Good.

All right, then.

OK.

So, I've brought in my own coffin.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Won't that be lovely?

Everyone crying...

Yeah. ..paying their respects.

Bending down...

Ah-uh!

LAUGHTER

Any questions?

No. No.
LAUGHTER

It's difficult, because I still
don't really understand

the "Comic Sans is my daddy".

Oh, well, that's just silly as well.
You know, it's cheeky.

Cheeky. Yeah, it's cheeky.
No, it is cheeky. Yeah.

It's got two levels of cheeky.
Baba's has only got one.

I'll give Baba one point.
One to Baba.

I'll give Emma two points.
Yes. The clock gets two.

I'll give Jack Dee three points.

Safety equipment
does look ridiculous.

And then we're up to the big g*ns,

Guy Fawkes or "Honk if you miss me".

LAUGHTER

You did try to...

Guy Fawkes has had his day.
He can have four points.

Right. And, uh, of course, I will
be honking if I miss Rosie Jones.

Five points to Rosie. There we go.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, what's the first task proper,
please, Alex?

Well, it's something
we haven't done before, Greg,

and there are big points at stake.
GREG GASPS

Oh. Hi, Jack.

Hi, Alex.
What... What are you wearing?

Oh, this old thing?

JACK LAUGHS

Welcome.

Hey.

HE LAUGHS

Oh. Ooh! Hi. Emma.

Yes, hi. You all right?
Yeah. How are you?

I'm feeling good, I'm looking great.
Great.

LAUGHTER

Hello, Andy.

Oh, hi, Alex.

What life choices brought you here?

LAUGHTER

I'll have to trace them all
the way back, I think.

Yeah. Yeah.

Parents.

LAUGHTER

I think it's amazing.
I've never seen it before.

Christmas? No.

Weddings? No.

OK. The postman's come.

Right. Um...

All right.

"Wear this outfit..."

"..throughout one future task..."
This outfit?

This outfit.
This outfit? Oh, Jesus Christ.

"..and your points will be doubled."

"..Doubled..." "..Doubled..."

"..for that task." OK.

"You have until your time
in Taskmaster is over."

Is there a right answer?

The right answer is
you've got to wear it

for a task that you do well in

so that you can double your...
your points.

SHE GASPS

So, Andy, you won't know
what the task is going to be.

You have to decide before
a task takes place

that you want to wear this outfit.
Right, OK.

There are several different types
of task in this show... Yeah.

..so you're just going to have
to feel it. OK.

This isn't actually the task, is it?

It's just a thing
that's going to happen.

Yeah, sorry. Yeah.

Still fun, though, Jack. Oh, it is.

The fun never stops, I can see.
LAUGHTER

I'm having a... I'm having a ball.
Mm.

APPLAUSE

We don't know what Alex
is currently wearing,

but Rosie's quite right.

His decision to wear that is almost
certainly the fault of his parents.

LAUGHTER

So, something to look forward to.
Yes. Quite right.

They can play their joker
at any point

across the rest of the series
by putting on the mystery outfit,

but for now,
here's some more memorable fun.

Back in the weird lab. All right.

Is this your wardrobe?

It's not my wardrobe.

OK.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Hi, Jack. Hi, Alex. You all right?

Yeah, not bad.

JACK SIGHS
OK.

Prepared for everything? Yeah.

Brand-new gloves.

Well, I've been waiting
to do the show a long time.

LAUGHTER

Right. Um...

..I decided to wear
the hot dog outfit for this one.

Oh, yeah. Mm.

It means this one counts double
for you. Yeah.

Whatever points you get.
Yeah. So it's a big one.

"Remember these ten fine people."

"You have two minutes

"to acquaint yourself
with these fine people."

"Best memory wins."

"Your time starts now."

OK, cool.
Let's memorise these people, then.

All right. Dina.
She's got the blonde hair, pearls.

Izzy, bandanna.

So, that's Gordo.
Moustache Trev looks good.

Have you got a good memory, Jack?

I'm going to, uh...

It'll be better if I'm not talking
to you during it.

# Dina, Dina, Dina

# Izzy, Dina, Izzy. #

Yank Tank, Yank Tank, Yank Tank.
What's your process for your...?

SHE HUMS
Oh.

Yank Tank.

Blanket, clown. Ah! OK.

Grillsy. Is that real? Yes. OK.

What's your method
for remembering things, Jack?

Try not to be distracted.
LAUGHTER

Chisel. Chisel.

# Dina, Izzy, Yank Tank
Colonel! Colonel! #

They're now in my memory house,
in my memory castle. Right. Mm.

Cool. I'm cool.

I don't fancy my chances here.

ALEX BLOWS WHISTLE
FOR EACH CONTESTANT

Blanket. Ah!
Please look at the camera.

I was hoping you weren't going
to do that.

I got that sorted,
but that's a sh*t dump.

LAUGHTER

I was just wondering
if you could tell me

who all these people are, Jack.
Shall I start now?

Why not?

Dina.

BOTH: Izzy.

Yank Tank.

The Yank Tank.

Colonel. The Colonel.

Blanket.

# Dina, Izzy, Yank Tank

# Colonel! #

ALL: Blanket.

Do...Dora?
There wasn't a Dora, was there?

There should've been a Dora.

It looks like a Dora,
do you not think?

Grillsy.

EMMA AND JACK: Chisel. Reggie.

Trish. No?

We'll go with Trish, man.
Trish. Let's go with Trish.

I didn't talk to them.

No, you didn't talk to them. Oh!

This is, uh, Izzy,
with the bandage.

I'm really screwed with her.

I can't stop thinking
of Tamzin Outhwaite.

Maybe she was called Tamzin.

I think this one's Gordo.

EMMA AND BABATUNDE: Gordo. Trev.

Uh, I can't remember these two.

Um... They've left the palace.

I'm going to leave it at that.
I think I've done all of them.

APPLAUSE

Were you, uh, happy
in your hot dog costume?

Uh, I wasn't. No, I wasn't...
wasn't happy in it.

I didn't think it looked,
uh, any good.

It felt tacky as well.
It was cheap.

Yeah. I think I pulled it off,
though. Yeah.

I should say, it was the first task
immediately after being given...

LAUGHTER
..uh, the option.

Straight in. Yeah.

So, you just thought, "f*ck it,
let's get this out of the way with."

Get it over and done with... Yeah.

..you know, and then you haven't got
that to dread in the future.

Rosie only did half the room,

but I should also say
that was only half the task.

OK. It's breaktime.

Try to fulfil
these previous few minutes

without using your smartphone.

You don't need to look up
Little Alex Horne's real height.

I've told you, the guy is 5'2".

If anything, look up how a virgin
can have three kids.

LAUGHTER

We'll see in a minute.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome back
to Taskmaster.

It's the second part of the show,

and we still haven't had
a proper task for me to judge.

Aw, poor old Greggy!

But here we go - a new task,
and the introduction of our teams.

Hello. Andy. Good to see you.

You, too.

Shall I?

Well, we should do
a little bit of small talk.

Oh!

Oh, hi, guys. Hi.

What you saying, bro? How you doing?
I'm cool.

Andy, this is Baba.
Baba, this is Andy. Hello.

Man like Andy,
why are you dressed like that?

LAUGHTER

Hello.

Hello!

How are you? You all right?
How are you? Yeah, yeah.

SHE GASPS
Oh, hi!

Hello. Hello. Hello.

Oh, hello, Emma.
My name's, uh, Emma Sidi.

Hello, Emma. Andy.

How you doing? Baba.
Nice to meet you. Hi.

Nice to meet you. Hello, Emma.
This is Baba. Baba, this is Emma.

Andy, this is Emma. Emma,
this is Andy. That's everyone.

SHE SIGHS

So, one of you needs
to open and read the task.

Jackie. OK. You call him Jackie?

Yeah. Oh, good.
LAUGHTER

"Become the best
multi-headed creature."

THEY CHUCKLE

"Your creature must prove
they are the best

"by doing something impressive."

"Also, during that impressive thing,
they must speak one word at a time

"and explain what it is they are
doing and why it is impressive."

"You have 20 minutes.
Your time starts now."

Can anyone juggle?

No. No. No.

No. Absolutely not. All right.

Well, we could collect
a lot of heads around the house.

Right, could be any heads.
Dog's head.

That... You see, that... That...

I like what you're thinking there,

cos it doesn't have
to be a human head.

Do something with multi-headed
creatures of history.

Oh, yeah. There haven't been
too many, have there, really?

Hydra. Three-headed dog,
guard of the underworld.

What do you do that's impressive?
I can move my knuckles.

Oh, you can!
AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND GROANS

I mean, it's niche.
LAUGHTER

Is it like making a smoothie?

I always find a good smoothie
is, like, really fantastic.

That's, like...
You know, when someone's like, "Oh,

"this is great," and then
you taste it and it's delicious.

LAUGHTER
What? OK.

Look, it doesn't have to be
a smoothie. I... But...

Three-headed... Three-headed
smoothie. ..something like that.

What if I stand on my head?

I would love that.
Go on, let's see if it can be done.

Wait. Do you need some help?
Shall I...? Yeah.

More. More.

LAUGHTER

Ooh!

Yeah, see you can't do it, can you?
Ah!

LAUGHTER
Right.

OK, so, what are we on, 12 minutes?

Yeah, yeah. It's really going down
now. All right, cool. Let's do it.

Right. I really don't want
to get this wrong.

These guys, man. Right.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I mean, I don't know where to start.

Quite a good vibe with this team.

So excited to be
on a team with Jackie,

cos I feel like we've got
so much in common.

Do you?
LAUGHTER

We're both
from a place of positivity.

LAUGHTER

Correct.

And we were a team made in heaven.

LAUGHTER

There's a bond there,

and I've got high hopes
for your multi-headed beast.

Yeah. Now, this group...
LAUGHTER

..I don't think I have ever seen
a more awkward introduction.

LAUGHTER

I was so confused.

I was just like,

"Why am I hooked up
with, like, this cricketer,"

and then a detective comes in.

LAUGHTER

I was so confused.

There's... There's no mystery, Baba,
at least as to who the detective is.

It's Detective Emma Sidi.

LAUGHTER
Oh, God!

"Once you've formed
your multi-headed beast,

"what would be the most impressive
thing you would do?"

And Emma went for...
LAUGHTER

..the making of a smoothie.

LAUGHTER

You... You might not have seen this
cos you were in the room.

Do you want to see what Baba thought
of your idea?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I always find, like,

a good smoothie is like
really fantastic.

That's, like... You know,
when someone's like, "Oh..."

LAUGHTER

Anyway, well, we're going to start
with the team of two,

Rosie and Jackie.

This. Is.

Bin. And.

Gone.

HE STRUMS UKULELE TUNELESSLY

# We

# Are

# So

# Happy... #
LAUGHTER

# To

# Be

# Here

# On

# Your

# Task

# Master

# Show

# We

# Are

# So

# Impressive

# With

# Instruments

# And

# I

# Love

# Playing

# Instruments. #

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You poked your head through
a bin bag and then you sang a song.

There are two things
you're missing here.

One is that we had
to join two bin bags -

otherwise it wouldn't have been
big enough, Greg. No!

And then the other thing
you're missing is that, by then,

I'd lost the will to live. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Right, Jackie's starting
to turn on you here.

No, no. Not on...
He's pulling away from the group.

There's only one thing
that can save you now,

and it's the most awkward g*ng
in town.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

We. Are. Making.

A. Phenomenal.

Smoothie.

Today. Using.

So. Many. Phenomenal.

Fruits.

And. Life-giving.

Nutrients.

Today.

Making.

This. Impressive.

Medicine.

Will.

Today.
LAUGHTER

Oh. My. Gosh.

This. Is. Phenomenal.

Smoothie time.

Today.
LAUGHTER

Eurgh.
LAUGHTER

Yum.

Surprisingly.

Nutty.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Eurgh!

ALEX BLOWS WHISTLE

Thanks, team.
You may return to the house.

We should do this again sometime.

Yeah. Yeah, no. For real.
It was genuinely very nice.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You actually did make a smoothie.

Uh, excuse me.
It was a multi-headed beast.

Yeah. How many heads was it?
Hey, I didn't mind the beast.

There was a lot of heads
on that beast.

It was a better beast
than these two clowns.

OK. Right, that much I'll concede.

But you still made a smoothie.

And, Baba, if you want to get
into an argument,

you can explain to me why you just
kept saying the word "today".

LAUGHTER

I drank that smoothie,

I went home, and for the first time
in my life, I levitated.

LAUGHTER

HE LAUGHS
Who was worse? I don't know.

And what was...?
What were you least impressed by -

the song or the smoothie?
The smoothie.

The smoothie,
and that's saying something,

cos you heard the song.

LAUGHTER

The song was slightly better
than the smoothie.

But the multi-headed beast
was far more impressive... Mm.

..than... Yeah.

..two idiots putting their head
through a bin bag - no offence.

Listen. Listen. Listen.
Listen! Listen!

It was a multi-headed beast. Yeah.
Right? It was. No, wait.

Which beast do you know
that makes a smoothie?

We did that.
LAUGHTER

This is the man who rolled his eyes,
and look at him now. Thank you.

Come on, man!
This is what I'm trying to say!

We're opening a smoothie shop
after this. JACK: Fair enough.

So, lovely to see
a g*ng come together.

We're going to open a smoothie bar.

Today.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Very nice.

I think they're both
as bad as each other,

and I know you don't like...
you don't like a draw.

Two points each,
and you'll all thank me for that.

There we go -
they all get two points.

There it is.
APPLAUSE

Well done.
Well, the order hasn't changed.

Rosie, last week's winner, is still
in the lead with seven points.

There we are.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hit us with another task, please,
Little Alex Horne.

Ooh, there's somebody at the door!
Ooh!

DOORBELL RINGS

DOOR OPENS

Wow. You ready? Born ready.

Yeah. Really great to see you.
And you as well.

LAUGHTER

So, this is awkward.

Mm.

Hello!

You look happy.

I am happy any day that I'm with you,

my little baby boy.

LAUGHTER
OK, there's a task over there.

Oh, there we go.

There's a... Is there a challenge?

Uh, yeah there's a task.
A task, yeah.

Yeah, it's just on, on the door.
Oh, OK. Yeah.

Oh!

Ah! Done it.

"Capture the most remarkable footage
on this doorbell camera."

Yo! Man like Baba.
LAUGHTER

"You have 30 minutes."

"Your time starts now."

Interesting, the word "remarkable".

Trying to think of anything,

any kind of footage that
I've ever seen that's remarkable.

Are you aware of doorbell cameras?

Doorbell...
Well, I'm aware of their work.

Um, I think Star Wars was filmed
on a doorbell camera.

LAUGHTER
It was the first known use of it.

I want to put on a show.

It needs to be elaborate.

APPLAUSE

It needs to be remarkable, actually.

I mean, they are synonyms.

OK.
LAUGHTER

How do you feel about being
Rosie's little baby boy?

You like that? Yes and no.

What's the no part?

I want to grow up one day.

LAUGHTER

All right. OK.

What are we going to see?

Well, let's start with Daddy.
LAUGHTER

It is Rosie Jones.

SHE MOANS

LAUGHTER

DOORBELL RINGS

Merry Christmas.

I'm Mary and I'm having a baby!

LAUGHTER, SHE GROANS LOUDLY

LAUGHTER
Ah!

I will call him Jesus.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What is more remarkable
than the birth of our Lord?

LAUGHTER

It's a bold and fresh take
on Christianity.

LAUGHTER

If it's not disrespectful,

one would almost say that Jesus
positively fell out.

LAUGHTER
Yeah. Yeah.

All right, that's it.
We're halfway through the episode.

See you in a minute.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where our door is always open.

Well, not always, Greg.

For the current task,
it's always closed,

so that's a pretty poor choice
of words.

LAUGHTER
The comedians have been tasked

to record the most remarkable
doorbell camera footage.

Next up, Baba,
whose name is an anagram of ABBA,

and Andy Zaltzman, whose name is
an anagram of "Adz Azlimnat".

LAUGHTER

DOORBELL RINGS

LAUGHTER

DOORBELL RINGS

LAUGHTER

IN DRAMATIC VOICE: Alexander!

Oh, right. Hello.

I am your future.
I know what you plan.

OK. What's that, then?

The full and total destruction
of the Taskmaster.

Ah, fair cop. Yeah.
That is the plan.

Always been the plan, actually.
Right from episode one, series one.

I know when you will destroy him.

Mm-hm, when.

Uh, yeah, well, in the...
in the studio,

when we show this task.
That's right.

That's e-exactly right.
LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

How will you destroy the Taskmaster?

Hmm. I can't say that.
Oh, come on. We're mates.

Well, let's say revenge
will be sweet.

Right. Revenge for that time that...

Shh! No, I can't say that.

That is our secret. Our secret.

No-one can know that.

CHICKEN CLUCKS

HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:
We know. We always know.

LAUGHTER

Sticking around?

C-Can you see that chicken?

CHICKEN CLUCKS

What chicken?
CHICKEN CLUCKS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Mine was sh*t, bro.
LAUGHTER

Maybe it was remarkable
for being so sh*t.

HE LAUGHS
Maybe.

You weren't even any good
at keepy-uppies.

LAUGHTER

When you first kicked it, I thought,
"Oh, he's going to be good at this."

Three, finished.

LAUGHTER

Andy, I thought,
"Oh, that's a good idea.

"The ghost comes...
That's an intriguing story." Mm.

But then I found the ghost himself
to be quite boring.

LAUGHTER

Well, that's often...
Ghosts are, aren't they?

Because if you think of
the mundanity of death... Yeah.

..of being a ghost for all eternity,

you're going to lose your spark,
aren't you?

I would say.
LAUGHTER

So, he was deliberately dull?

Yeah, well,
it was also Alex's future,

so it was probably going
to be quite dull.

LAUGHTER

Very clever.

Good. Not good. Bad.

LAUGHTER
Right.

Who's next? Next up, it's Emma.

Oh! Phew!

Oh, my God!

SHE HUMS CHEERFULLY

Come on.

All right. Come on.

LAUGHTER
What's going on with that?

There we go.
I'm cooking with gas. Come on.

Hey! Up-oh!

All right.

LAUGHTER

Mwah!

I'll leave the pan.
APPLAUSE

The peak of exhilaration
and excitement in your life

seems to be making
relatively basic food.

LAUGHTER

Uh, yeah, I think
that might be true. What do I do?

Well, do better.

LAUGHTER

Just do... Omelette?
Was it an omelette?

No, it was a pancake.

Oh, that's better. Mm.

There was a stamp on the envelope.
That was remarkable.

Yeah.
But would I think it remarkable

if someone was doing bad
keepy-uppies outside my doorbell?

Difficult, innit? Who's next?

The final person we're going
to see, oh, it's Jack Dee,

living the dream.

That's the doorbell.

Can it come off?

I suppose so.

DRILL WHIRRS, LAUGHTER

And it's the most remarkable.

There we go.

OK, Alex. Yeah.

Hello.

What did you have
for dinner last night?

Do you want to see it?

OK.

TOILET FLUSHES

AUDIENCE GROANS, LAUGHTER

Did you see what I had for dinner?
It was a banana, was it? A banana?

I had a banana for pudding, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.

I'm not sure your digestion system
is working as efficiently

as it should've been.

Well, it wasn't just a banana.

TOILET FLUSHES

LAUGHTER

Omelette?
Well, it was a creme caramel.

Creme...
LAUGHTER

This is almost as if you never chew.

LAUGHTER

Was it remarkable?

It was. I think it was remarkable.

I don't think you can get

any more remarkable
than that, really.

Something I've always wanted to do
is watch stuff being flushed

all the way down through
and see how it works.

OK, thanks, Jack.
Yeah, thanks, Alex.

APPLAUSE

Well, I can't argue
it fits the brief.

Like I said in the thing,
I like to see how things work.

Yeah. And I like to, uh...

I like to demonstrate
how things work as well,

and I think I demonstrated there
how... Yeah.

..how a house works.

And then there's...
LAUGHTER

We all have a look...

I had a look inside
our family septic tank once.

Why did you look in it?

Um, it was blocked up. What with?

Multicoloured condoms,
sh*t, and frogs.

LAUGHTER

Which was the least remarkable?

GREG LAUGHS

I feel... I feel bad.

It is Baba, probably.

But I don't know whether
it's any less remarkable

than Andy's boring ghost.
LAUGHTER

I'm giving Baba and Andy two points.

Crepe woman can thank me
for her three points.

LAUGHTER

Now, is it poo or is it Christianity?

LAUGHTER

Because I have great respect
for those of faith,

it's four points to Jack's poos
and Rosie Jones takes five points.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK. Well done, Rosie. Well done.

All right,
another task, please, Alex.

Well, cast your mind back
a bit for this next one.

Oh, no.

LAUGHTER

Oh, for goodness' sake.
Not these again.

Oh. It's nice to see you too, Emma.

Yeah, yeah.

Pleased to see them?

Um, well, I mean, some of them.
Some of them, a bit awkward.

LAUGHTER

SHE SIGHS

Do you want me to open the thing?
Not yet. OK.

Do you know why not?
You want more chat?

No.
LAUGHTER

What?

Oh, you want me to put that on?

You should really be dressed
as a hot dog for this one.

"Identify these ten fine people."

"Uh, most fine people
correctly identified wins."

Oh, my God! I forgot them!

"You have four fine minutes.
Your time starts now."

Colonel!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's a dirty trick, and no mistake.

And only the, uh, people
with actually good memories

are going to succeed, I suspect.

Let's have a look. OK.

We're going to start
with Rosie and Randy.

Here we go.

SHE LAUGHS

They're in a different order.

You sneaky little toerag.

HE CHUCKLES

Well, I did quite badly on this
first time around, to be honest.

HE LAUGHS

Colonel!

BUZZER, LAUGHTER

This one was Izzy.
I remember that one.

DING!
With the...the head injury.

She was one word.

Beard.
BUZZER

Hair.
BUZZER

Egg.
BUZZER

LAUGHTER

That seems too obvious.

Ahoy.
BUZZER

Yam Yam.

BUZZER

That was Flight Commander Biggles.

BUZZER

Shaggy.
BUZZER

Doggy.
BUZZER

Uh, Marilyn.
BUZZER

Dina.
DING!

That is definitely Duncan Goodhew.

BUZZER, LAUGHTER

What was my song?

Oh! Dina!

ALEX BLOWS WHISTLE

ALEX BLOWS WHISTLE
Thanks, Andy.

All right. You didn't get a duck.

No. No, but in some ways, getting
one is worse than getting none.

There's a dignity in total failure.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So, Andy only ended up getting one.
Previously, he had five.

Mm-hm. He only remembered one,
in the end.

Just it's quite hard to...

I mean, I felt quite triggered
by that. By what?

It was very similar
to the jury in...the trial.

Uh, but look, I don't want to go
into that in too much detail.

LAUGHTER

Who are Yam Yam and Shaggy?

Were they...?
LAUGHTER

Were Yam Yam and Shaggy
original characters?

No, Yam Yam and Shaggy
came from Rosie's brain.

Yeah. Uh, Andy came up with Biggles,

Veldorama, Baldy,
Doggy, and Marilyn.

LAUGHTER
Yeah. OK.

Time to break for the last time.

In the final part of the show,
someone will win a harness,

a clock, a Viking hat,

a Guy Fawkes effigy,

and have to carry it home
in a coffin.

What's the point? We'll see you soon.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's part four of four,
and our cast have been tested

to remember the names
of ten fine people.

Next, we're going to witness
the memories of Baba and Jack,

who has donned his hot dog outfit
and will get double points.

Here we go.

HE SIGHS

This is so wrong. OK.

All right, let's try.

Blanket.
DING!

I think that's the Colonel.

DING!

Chisel.
DING!

Reggie.
DING!

Gordo.
DING!

Izzy.
DING!

That had a patch on, didn't it?
Uh, there's a patch there.

That's, um... That's, uh, Grilly.

Grilly?

Blanket.
DING!

Izzy.
DING!

Oh, the... Like, what's it?
Hanky Panky, or something like that?

BUZZER
Hold on.

Wanky Smanky, or something.
BUZZER

LAUGHTER
Uh...

Chi...Chisel.
DING!

Chisel.

Oh, there was Yanky Tank -
that's her name.

OK, now, who was Yanky Tank?

Izzy. No, Dina.

Dina.
DING!

I think this is Yanky Tank.

No, no. That's Yanky Tank.

That's Yanky Tank.

Trev, or something?

Trevor, or something like that?
DING!

The Corporal?

BUZZER

No, you're not the Corporal.

You're the Corporal.

BUZZER

The two that I didn't get before
have gone.

Itzy Pitzy.

BUZZER

Ah...

Still got two minutes left.
What do you want to do?

I'm going to do nothing, because
I don't remember their names.

LAUGHTER

So, I might bust
a little two-step. Come on.

Done now. Oh! Eh! Oh!

Bow! Bow!

Ooh!

You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, write that down.

When you bust a two-step... Yeah.

..add some flavour.
LAUGHTER

No, it's gone. It's...
ALEX BLOWS WHISTLE

Yeah.

APPLAUSE

Should, uh, Baba be rewarded
for busting a two-step

and adding some flavour? Yes! Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I don't give bonus points,

but in my heart I am giving you
a bonus point, cos I enjoyed it.

Can I check? Jack said "Grilly"
instead of "Grillsy".

Is that close enough?

And similar,
"Yank Tank" and "Yanky Tank"?

I think maybe we should give him
one of them. Thank you.

Baba remembered six out of the ten.
Jack, seven out of the ten.

Not bad. Not bad at all.
But there is one more to see.

Yes. It is Emma Sidi,

or to use her full name,
Emma Compact Disc.

LAUGHTER
Here she is.

I'm taking the gloves off for this.

The Colonel.
DING!

Chisel. Dina.
DING! DING!

Trev. Reggie.
DING! DING!

Blanket.
DING!

Uh, Tamzin Outhwaite. Tamzin.

BUZZER, LAUGHTER

This one's new!

OK.

Jemima.

BUZZER

I know it's not that,
but I'm really stuck.

Um...

SHE GASPS
You've got little piccies!

You b*stard! Look at these.

Who...? Who have you found? Chisel.

Oh, you knew that one.

Yeah, I know. I don't need that.

Grillsy!

DING!

The Yank Tank.

Got it. Yank Tank.

DING!

Gordo! Oh!

Gordo.
DING!

You're just missing Tamzin
Outhwaite, is that right?

Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

Tamzin. Got a minute left.

Izzy! Izzy! Izzy! Izzy!

DING!
Izzy!

That was exciting.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm glad I took my gloves off
for that. I needed to be bare.

Genuinely impressive.

Already impressive
before you cracked the code

and found Alex's nerdy little system.

Yeah, thanks, guys.

But she had, like Baba,
two minutes to spare

and thought there must be
something else here, and there was.

Yeah, interesting.
Two very different systems.

"Two minutes to spare.

"There must be something else
I can investigate here."

Yeah.
"I'm going to bust a two-step."

LAUGHTER

Right, then. OK.

Andy and Rosie
both only remembered one person,

so they share fourth place.

They get two points each.
Baba comes third, gets three points.

Jack comes second,
but gets eight points...

EMMA GASPS

..because of the very wise
hot dog choice.

Emma wins the task.
Five points to Emma Sidi.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Quick look at the scores, then.

Yes. The hot dog is in the lead.


Nice.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, it's time for you
to make your way to the stage

for the final task of the show.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, old friend.

I'm over here.

And, who will be reading
the task out?

Rosie Jones, please.

Rosie Jones, take it away.

"Spin the wheel
the same number of times

"or more as the person before you.

"If you land on gold,
you are automatically

"through to the next round

"and the next person has
to spin it one more time

"than the previous person."

It will become clear as we play.

Andy, please come over
to the wheel.

It just needs a...a medium spin.

If you stand
sort of where I'm standing

but the other side, that would be...

Oh, what are you doing? Are you
checking the integrity of the wheel?

Well, just the physics of it.
You know, how it's...

How it's going to spin.
It's a wheel.

Right.

LAUGHTER

Lovely spin. Lovely spin.
AUDIENCE AND CONTESTANTS: Ohh!

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
That's red.Red.

Andy, I have to ask you,

do you want to spin again
or do you want to stick on one?

Uh, I'll spin again. ALL: Ooh!

If this lands on black,
you're eliminated.

That's a hefty one.

That's more like it.
That's in the spirit of the game.

Beautiful action again. Thanks.

So, we're hoping this lands on red.

Otherwise, we lose Andy Zaltzman.
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Who's next?

Baba is next, and he must land

two in a row in the same colour.

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS,
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow. You're through. Come on.

You've got to spin it three times

and get the same colour every time,
unless you get gold.

All right.
LAUGHTER

Uh...
SHE GRUNTS

Lovely. Yeah.

Lovely passionate grunt.

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS,
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Jack, you've got to get

the same colour four times in a row.

LAUGHTER

I'm going to go the other way.

What?!

Oh, yeah.

LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE AND CONTESTANTS: Ooh!

Oh, no.

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS,
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, shut up.

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS,
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yeah! That is red.

That is red.

No!

Don't touch it. Red.

You've only got to get
four more reds. What's the big deal?

Or any gold. Right.

AUDIENCE: Ohh!

BUZZER, AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

Wait in the elimination chairs.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well done.

I remember you. Oh, no.

LAUGHTER

Oh, lovely.
LAUGHTER

The cartwheel.

Red. Red.
APPLAUSE

Yeah, they like that.
They like that.

LAUGHTER AND INDISTINCT CHATTER

BUZZER, AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

Andy Zaltzman gets two points.

We need five, Baba. Five, yeah?

Come on.

No, not you bro, this. Ohh!

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS,
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

How many? It's six please, Emma.

Fair enough.

Ah!

Come on, come on.

Red. Red.

APPLAUSE
Five more reds. Red or gold.

Come on.

AUDIENCE: Ohh!

Just a little bit...Four more.
APPLAUSE

Four more? Four more. Ah!

AUDIENCE: Ohh!

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS,
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Three more. Brilliant.

Come on!

Right. Come on.

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS,
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come on now! Come on.

Pray to Jesus.
LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS,
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You require seven.

OK, here we go. OK.

AUDIENCE: Ohh!

Ooh. That's red. That's red.

Anti-clockwise.

BUZZER, AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

Jack Dee, three points.

OK. Baba, you require seven.

OK. Cool.

Gold, gold, gold, gold!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yes.

You need eight... Fair enough.
..in a row.

SHE GRUNTS

Black, Emma. Come on!

Yeah. The lucky "come on" is back.

LAUGHTER
Yeah.

AUDIENCE: Ohh!

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

We have a winner, and that winner
is Babatunde Aleshe!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes! Yes!

You can have
a little two-step, if you want.

What?!
LAUGHTER

Hey, come down. We'll add it
to the final scores.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Babatunde won the five points.
Well done, Baba.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And it has really paid dividends
for Baba,

because he's come second last.

LAUGHTER

At the top of the leader board,
with 20 points, it's Jack Dee.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Jack Dee wins episode 2!

Please go and celebrate
with your serious yet silly things!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you.

See you again very soon,

but for now, let's hear it
for tonight's winner, Jack Dee!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES

CHEERING DROWNS SPEECH