18x03 - The Gangsters of the Sea

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains
strong language and adult humour

Aw. Woo!

SHE SCREAMS

I mean, you're useless at this.

SCREAMING

Prrp. Boop.

Eurgh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

Thank you. Thank you, everybody.

Welcome to Taskmaster,
the Olympics for funny people.

And, like elite athletes, our
comedians have been in training

for this their whole careers,

and similarly one slip up could see
them never compete again,

lose their homes and
end up singing Sweet Caroline in

a high street, having drunk
a pint of plant feed

they stole from a garden centre.
LAUGHTER

The stakes are high
and the rewards are low.

Let's meet them now.

Please welcome Andy Zaltzman...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Babatunde Aleshe...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Emma Sidi...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Jack Dee...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..and Rosie Jones!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And, sitting next to me,
a man who secretly confided in me

that he doesn't think community
liaison officers are real police,

and challenges any
of them who meet him

to kick him hard in the gooch.
LAUGHTER

# It's Little Alex Horne! #
APPLAUSE

Yeah.

OK, let's begin.

Yes, and what a way to begin

because the prize category this week
is the object with the most soul.

AUDIENCE: Ooh.
OK.

I know. Ooh. Ooh, indeed.
As a guy in a band,

I get a lot of people stopping me
and saying, "You are...soul."

But it's not about me, it's about
Greg giving maximum points to

the object with the most soul.

All right.

Rosie, shall we start with you? No.

LAUGHTER

It...it was rhetorical. It's...
Um... We are starting with you.

All right.

What I've brought

to make me more soulful

is a saxophone.

Yes, it is.
LAUGHTER

Can I play a saxophone?

No.
LAUGHTER

Can I CARRY around a saxophone?

Yes. Yeah. Soul.

LAUGHTER

Soul.

That is going to score badly. Badly.

What's your favourite
saxophone song?

SHE LAUGHS

If you can give me one,
then I might consider

not putting you at the bottom.
LAUGHTER

Uh... Ooh!

Right, the...The Simpsons.

Ooh. Good answer.
APPLAUSE

Too right.

Emma, have you brought something in
that has the most soul?

I've brought in a Furby.

Oh. Someone's back in the game.
Yes!

Here's Emma's soulful Furby.

LAUGHTER

I don't know if anybody remembers
what Furbys would get up to,

but basically they're kind of...
"ea be ba bu du ba du bea"...

..and they start off like that.

Then, as time goes on,
they start to learn from you

and eventually they're able to say,
"I love you."

LAUGHTER

Also, it opens its little beak
with a little tongue

and "la, la, la".
LAUGHTER

And you put your finger in,
and it's like "love that".

Oh, la, la, la. Soul.

If I put my finger in your mouth,

you wouldn't mind it,
and that's soul.

LAUGHTER

I like a Furby as much as
the next person. OK.

But you think that a
plastic fur-based toy

going "dib, dab, dub, dub" is soul?

Ah. Um, I'm not going to be able
to convince you of this.

I just know it to be my truth.
LAUGHTER

She's good. She is good. Hmm.

Jack. Yeah.

What have you brought in?

I've brought James Brown in. Um...

Technically, not...not actually
James Brown, but I have brought in

an effigy of James Brown,
which is all singing, all dancing.

Um, the budget on this show won't
allow us to hear him singing,

so if I did it without the tune...
"Ooh, I feel good."

LAUGHTER

So...

We're not allowed to say
lyrics either.

LAUGHTER
All right.

"Oh, I feel wood."

There you go.

Are you ready to see
the godfather of soul? I am.

Here he is. Here we go.

He goes, "Ooh, I feel wood.

"Ooh, I feel wood."

LAUGHTER

Jesus Christ.

This is going to be
a low-scoring round.

Andy. Yes. What soulful thing have
you brought in? I brought a shoe.

Ready to see it?
LAUGHTER

Obviously a shoe has a sole,

but the soles of the shoes are Dover
soles...

..but there's a...there's a speaker
in the lower of the two shoes.

It's programmed
to play only soul music,

the likes of James Brown
and Aretha Franklin, Bananarama.

We'll imagine it. Yeah.

There's a picture of the sun in
Spain, or sol, uh,

as it's also known...
I'm sorry, d...d...?

I've not finished yet, Greg.

But also, harnessing
the power of the occult as

a wizard, I also fixed into the
shoes

the soul of your late
great-great-great uncle Brian.

Do you know what, Andy? Yeah.
I mean, it says something,

it's the best yet.

Who's next? Baba.

Uh, I brought in
a Nigerian talking drum.

You see, how they make this is
quite mythical,

right? What they do, once they build
it, they put it in

the streets of Lagos,
or whatever town in Nigeria,

and what it does, they believe it
absorbs the language of

the people as they're in
the streets talking.

So, when you hit it,

it sounds like the language
being spoken.

So I tried this out...

Tried it out.
I live in Stevenage and I...

The capital of soul. Yeah.
LAUGHTER

I put it outside, I hit it and it
literally said, "You prick."

And so...
LAUGHTER

..that's the most soulful thing in
this whole line-up right now.

The Nigerian talking drum, people.
Thank you very much. Wow.

It's a good speech.

APPLAUSE

I hope the rest of you are ashamed
of yourself.

All right, let's score it and
move on. OK.

What is the least soulful, Greg?
What do you think?

I think the saxophone that...
Yeah, of course. One point.

OK. I'll give Emma two points
for daring to suggest

there's any soul in a Furby.

Jack, at least he chose
the godfather of soul,

but then he had him behead himself
on television,

so he can only have three points.
Got it.

Andy made an effort.

Sure, it's a series
of awful puns around the word soul -

we know that.

Sure, he's dressed as a wizard -
for no reason.

But he gets four points.

And the only person who actually
brought anything

of any consequence in is Baba,
so he gets five.

These are my judgments.
Well done, Babatunde.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, task time. Shall we begin, Alex?

Yes, Greg.

Commence countdown!

Ah, hey. Baba!

Emma! You all right?

This brings back some memories.

Good ones?

No.

Terrifying.

Is that being operated manually or
is it a machine?

It shouldn't be happening, actually.
It's a warning system.

Oh, right. OK. It's a warning
system. Yeah.

Yeah, OK. Yes. Not yet.
OK, no, sorry.

Five...

Four...

Three...

Two...

One...

Zero!

LAUGHTER

Oh. Cheers, bro.
It was meant to fire off.

Oh. Unlucky, bro. Hmm.

Put a rocket in your pocket.

Fastest wins.

So your time starts now.

That's not a rocket, I'm so sorry.

That's just a tube.

Your time starts now.

Now, that's not a rocket,
unfortunately.

That's just a tube. Ah.

I'm so sorry.

But what are the asterisks?

There's an asterisk, is there?
There are two.

What do them two stars mean?
Yeah, they're both asterisks. OK.

Double star. Dot.

Oh, I'll just ignore that, the font.

Is this the rocket, this red bit?
No. None of those bits are rockets.

So where's the rocket?

Yes.

What do you mean, "Yes"?

Where...is...the...rocket?

Yes.

No, no. Where?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Baba, I might be suggesting here

that you don't know what
a rocket is.

I know what a rocket is.

I've seen, like, with
the...the space people.

They do that. That's a rocket,
right? Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, sorry.
I didn't realise you had a degree.

LAUGHTER

Hey, listen, Greg. We still,
we gotta go outside after this,

bro. Like, you know what I mean?

Oh, you're ph-ph-physically
threatening me?

I've gotta say, it's the first
person who's ever offered me

out for a fight...

..in all these series
and I've gotta tell you, Baba,

it was exhilarating.

Woo!
LAUGHTER

OK, let's crack on.

First to recce for rockets,
it is Baba.

Is there a rocket here?

That's the question.

Ooh. Listen I've got two
children, yeah?

I ain't got time for this.
Where's the rocket?

Where's the rocket?

We're not going to do this.
We're not going to do this. Right.

Let's go and look for a rocket.

That's not a rocket, that's like
a telescope thingamajig.

Anything under here?
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

Ah, that's half a rocket.

We're onto something.

What's that? What's that?

WHISPERS: What's that?

That's a full rocket.

I've got a rocket in my pocket.
Yes, you have.

Brrap!

Where was the rocket?

It was in the... This is a orca.
This is a orca's mouth.

It was in the orca's mouth.

Let's say k*ller whale cos that
sounds gangster.

It was in the k*ller whale's mouth.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

The man knows exactly what
a rocket is.

He found it quickly

and he labelled the orcas
the gangsters of the sea.

Yeah.
LAUGHTER

Absolute textbook.

I told you I know what
a rocket is, bro. Yeah, I know.

You didn't believe in me
but you've seen the footage, bro.

I...I've learnt that now and now I
believe there's no need

for it to come to blows.
LAUGHTER

Good. Who is next?

Next up to hunt for rockets are my
two favourite condiments,

Zaltz and pe... Zaltz and Emma.
Salt and pepper. Zaltz and Emma.

It looks like a rocket.
That's not a rocket.

No. Well, it's not a rocket until
it's fired. It's a potential rocket.

Even then, that is not a rocket.

I don't see, well, why can that not
be a rocket?

Hasn't got fins.

I'm just thinking, have we got any
fizzy drinks?

Can I make things out of that?

Right, well, that's better.

Right, so did you just make yourself
a rocket?

I've made myself a rocket,
but it didn't go in my pocket.

Right, OK.

Ah, sh*t.

Right. Are you saying you've made
a rocket? Yeah.

In that case, I'm going to
have to give you that.

If you draw, make or write your own
rocket, that doesn't count as

an actual rocket unless you are
a rocket scientist.

If you are not a rocket scientist,

you must now
put two rockets in your pockets.

Are you a rocket scientist?
No, I'm not. Right.

I did languages.

T...two rockets? Yes, please.

Am I allowed out of the room?
Absolutely. Oh, right, OK.

Maybe I should have thought
of that before.

Two rockets in your pockets.
One like that?

No, that's not a rocket. That's a
can of coke with a sweet in.

f*ck's sake. Oh, I'm so sorry,
but I'll have to give you this.

If you swear at any point
after drawing,

making or writing your own rocket,

you must now put three rockets in
your pockets.

I mean, is that a rocket?

I don't think you'll fit that in
your pocket though.

Was he on the rocket?

You're saying that's a rocket?
No, no.

Oh, there is a rocket there.

Well, there you go.
You've found a rocket!

I've found...I've found one,
I need another rocket.

Agh.

No. No, no, no.
We're going back inside.

Is there anything in the shark's?
Not a shark.

There's a rocket in a...

..orca?

I've stopped the clock.
Right, that took a long time.

Have you looked in anything yet?

Like, you mean in that? No.

Well, if you want...
LAUGHTER

I don't want to do it. OK.

Ah, like, in this pot.

Aww!

It's a tiny little rocket.

Well, you'd better put it
in your pocket, then.

OK. OK. Now I'm on board
with it. All right, fine.

Any other little rockets about?
It's my... Oh, my God!

There's one in Charlotte Ritchie!

Oh, there. There you go.

Time's up! Prrp.
I've stopped the clock.

Oh, you did the noise for me.
Yeah, sorry. Prrp.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Classic case of him moving
the goalposts as the task goes on.

Incredibly irritating, I find it.
Me? Yeah. Oh, sorry.

And while I'm at it... Hmm. ..I also
found it really irritating

when you opened the plug and there
was a rocket inside

and you looked at
the camera as if to say uhhh...

Andy, you were told repeatedly that
the yellow tube in

the lab was not a rocket. Yeah.
Repeatedly.

You know, wh...?
If you fire something upwards,

you've rocketed it, have you not?

I think you've rocketed it,
but it doesn't become a rocket.

Become a rocket. Your argument is
if it gets fired it's a rocket?

Yeah. But you could do that to
a chartered accountant.

Yes.

LAUGHTER

Uh...Emma. Yeah?

Now, I'm...I'm no rocket scientist.
Fine. But putting a sweet

inside a can of Coke... It...

How in any rational mind
can that be justified as a rocket?

Well, yeah, it's shocking, isn't it?
I mean, it was a totally

stupid decision, and also
it didn't even fizz.

It was just crap, wasn't it?

Well, look, Baba took
five minutes, 52.

Andy, 18 minutes, ten.
Emma, 39 minutes.

AUDIENCE: Ooh.
Ooh, bad.

Wow. Oh, my God. Get in!
LAUGHTER

All right, part one is over.

They never really loved you anyway.

Part one didn't even make an effort
with your mum, it's finished.

Let it go, make a life
with part two.

It's a great cook
and it's a tom cat in the bedroom.

We'll see you in a bit.
LAUGHTER

Hello. Welcome to
the start of part two.

Please remind us what was
happening before

the break, my sad little otter.

Well, they're all trying to find
a rocket

and put it in their pocket as fast
as is bloody possible.

Finally, it's Jack and Rosie.

Can I go exploring?

You may.

I mean, it'll be... It's going
to be staring at me, isn't it?

That's the thing. Hmm. Hmm.

I...I know what you mean.
So annoying.

Yeah, it is. OK.

OK.

Is it rocket salad?

LAUGHTER

That's what I was looking for.

It stinks. Done.

LAUGHTER

I've stopped the clock.
You've got rocket in your pocket.

I enjoyed that. Well done, me.
LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE
Wow.

Well done! Great minds.

Two grown adults genuinely thrilled

that they put salad
in their pockets.

Oh, come on. You should try it
sometime. It's good.

Maybe you and I could hang out
some time. Yeah, I'd like that.

Yeah.
LAUGHTER

Rosie, that, uh, "Well done, me" was
genuine, wasn't it? Yeah.

Oh, honestly, that's
the best thing I've ever done.

The wi...the wizard has a point.

I...I just... What was the,
the wording of the...the task?

It was put a rocket and then a
silent salad in your pocket.

Right. It didn't say put
a piece of rocket or

a bunch of rocket, did it? A rocket.

Do you want me to take
Rosie...Rosie's point off her? Yeah.

LAUGHTER

J...just look at Rosie.
Look at Rosie when you say it.

Yeah, I do.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS
AND EXCLAIMS

Does the word "a" mean
nothing these days?

You are a prick today.

LAUGHTER

That's perfectly fine.
Er, but I'm not...

..I'm not some pricks -
I'm a prick.

LAUGHTER CONTINUES
You're one!

APPLAUSE

Baba, do you think I should
disqualify the salad?

What's the timing of theirs?
EMMA: Yeah, yeah...

We haven't yet said that.
ROSIE: Baba...

All right, let's get to that first.

Well, I can tell you Rosie put
rocket in her pocket

in two minutes, 40.

Yeah, let's take away the point.

LAUGHTER

Jack pocketed rocket in
one minute, 59.

EMMA: Wow! That's...
AUDIENCE OOHS

APPLAUSE
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Stop all that, stop all that.

Yeah, everything he said,
I'ma back it.

LAUGHTER

I've got news for you -
I am going to allow rocket

a-and I want you to note this -

I may not have allowed rocket
if it wasn't for this wizard.

LAUGHTER

Rocket stands.

In that case, it's 1 point to Emma,




CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Is it scoreboard time? It is.

Baba, with your speedy rocket,
you are in joint first place

with Jack Dee on 8 points!

BABA WHISTLES
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Please, can we have another task?
Oh, yes!

Now, for some physical art.

Yo! what's going on?

ALEX: Hello, Baba.
Man like!

You're on dry land.
Dry land, yeah.

Yeah. You've been at sea.

No, it's a caravan, bro.

LAUGHTER
It's a subma-ravan.

Oh.

Do I? You do.

"Recreate a famous 2D piece of art

"in 3D."

"Most creative recreation,
er, recreation wins."

Do I look like I-I-I go
to art exhibitions?

I don't go to no art exhibition,
my guy.

EMMA: "You have 20 minutes."

ANDY: "Your time starts...now."

Right. Famous 2D...piece of art in


You understand it?
Of course I understand it,

what's the matter with you?

What, do you think I'm thick?
Well, you kept saying "recreation".

Cos I said recreation
instead of recreation?

But, you know, I'm...they are
the same spelling, aren't they?

APPLAUSE

GREG: Well, I'm just excited
to see these. 3D art.

ALEX: OK, would you like to see
a montage of them arting hard?

I want to see a haaard art montage.

LAUGHTER
OK. Here you are.

EMMA: Oh, my God!

ALEX: Noisy.
It's really noisy.

I hate bloody flowers.

Don't give a flyin' toss
about no damn flowers.

LAUGHTER

Needs to go...far corner.

Far back as it goes, I think.

Hi, Alex. Erm...

Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm all right.

IN QUESTIONABLE DUTCH ACCENT:
Er...shall I sit here?

Cos he was Dutch, you see?
Oh, I see.

The accent. OK.

There's the Andy Warhol ones.

Did he do baked bean tins?

Soup.

Baked beans is a lumpy soup.

Does this look like a human mother?

LAUGHTER

Need to get my thug pose on,
make me look like a thug.

MUFFLED: No g*ng affiliation
over here, bruv.

Apart from the church.
I go t'church.

I g*ng-bang for Jesus, you get me?

OK.
LAUGHTER

Arms as if you're celebrating
a goal, but really upset.

Oh, upset? Yeah.

Did you do that?
IN NORMAL ACCENT: Yeah.

Wow. Yeah, I did that.

I'm slipping in.

Oh! Urgh! That feels gross!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, my God.

Who of us in this room
isn't blown away by how much

Jack Dee looks like Van Gogh?

LAUGHTER
LIGHT APPLAUSE

LAUGHING: I mean, it was literally
like the man came back to life!

Baba, did you have some
sort of traumatic incident

in your life with flowers?

Why...? You're the only person
I've ever met who hates flowers.

I quote, "I don't give a flying
toss about no damn flowers."

LAUGHTER
You know what it is?

I'm traumatised by how much
my wife requests flowers

cos, when I'm walking on the street,
people be like,

"Oh, he's in the doghouse."

It's like, I ain't in
no damn doghouse!

You know what I'm saying?
LAUGHTER

How often do you buy your
wife flowers? Ahh...

Uh-oh.

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

JACK: Not including the ones you
take off lampposts.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND GROANS

Erm, Emma, I'm already
quite impressed

cos I already know what your
painting is. Really?

It's Klimt, right? Yeah! Mm-hm.

Well, look I'm going to show you
Emma's 3D version of

the well-known painting.

Let's see it in all its glory.
Here we go.

APPLAUSE
BABA: Oh, that's wicked.

That's good. Well done.

That is bloody good, Emma. Yeah.
APPLAUSE CONTINUES

I mean, it's so rarely on this show
that I just have to just say,

"Oh, that's good."

JACK: Yeah. It was good.

The original sparked a sexual
revolution. Do you think hers will?

Er...I can't feel anything.

LAUGHTER

Really good, Emma.

OK, well, shall we see another?
Yeah.

Well, as you might have worked out,

Andy Zaltzman took on the almighty
Guernica by Pablo Picasso.

Wow! Though, first of all,
we're going to look at the original.

Now, Picasso obviously made
the incredibly moving and powerful

anti-w*r painting to help raise
awareness and raise money

during the Spanish Civil w*r -
it's harrowing -

and here's Andy Zaltzman's


LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

EMMA: Yeah, yeah,
it's actually all right.

That's pretty decent, to be fair.

I mean, we have to reward ambition.
Right.

It's incredibly ambitious.

ANDY: I mean, I just feel, er,

amongst the many things this
show doesn't address,

the pity of w*r is right up there.
LAUGHTER

Cow's the wrong way round.

ALL LAUGH

Sorry, Emma, have you...?

You've spotted an inaccuracy
in this painting?

LAUGHTER
Well done, wizard.

OK, well, next up, with his 3D nod

to Self Portrait With
Bandaged Ear...

Right, well, we already know this
looks exactly like it

cos I've got his face in the room!

Yeah, it's Vincent Jack Gogh.
Here we go.

LAUGHTER

DELIGHTED LAUGHTER

BABA: Yes!

EMMA SQUEAKS WITH LAUGHTER

ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE
CHEERING

Who would've thought that anyone
could look more haunted...

LAUGHTER
..than Vincent van Gogh?

Van Gogh looks like it's
his birthday by comparison!

LAUGHTER

Another one, really good.

This is the worst episode
of Taskmaster ever!

OK, time for another break

and probably some more adverts
for holidays in the sun.

Cost-of-living crisis? Nyeah!

More like Costa del Sol
Living La Vida Loca crisis!

Let's whack it on
another credit card!

Wayne Lineker! Call me! Yoloooo!

DRUM AND BASS MUSIC PLAYS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, again!

Here we are, it's part three -

and some classic artworks are
being brought to life

in a three-dimensional way.

Cor, yeah, I love 3D.

But I also like
Harry Style's solo stuff.

LAUGHTER

Next up, it's the artist currently
known as Rosie Jones.

Ta-da!

Andy Warhol!

Sam...Campbell soups.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

It's Sam Campbell soup!
Yeah...I get it.

LAUGHTER

It's really good. Yeah, it's good.

Everyone liked it. Everyone...
Did you like it?!

Not that much!
LAUGHTER

One left, Greg. Yes.

One left, and this man doesn't go
to art galleries,

he hates flowers - it's Baba's turn.

CONTESTANTS GASP

Ah!
JACK: Very good. It is good.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
CONTESTANTS EXCLAIM

EMMA: So good!
ROSIE: Yay!

BABA FAKES COUGHING

Oh, sorry, sorry about that.

You like that, Greg?

LAUGHTER

That - yes, yes, yeah.
Well, yes, of course I do!

Yes, you do. You see the angle?

Know what I'm saying?
This is what I'm trying to say,

I keep telling people, I'm amazing.

EMMA: Oh, my God!
LAUGHTER

Well, look, Greg, here are all five
of the excellent 3D pics.

Well, I'll have to give everyone
really high scores, aren't I?

And then we'll just have to hope
they f*ck up the next task.

So, I'll give everyone 5 points.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK. What's next, please,
little Alex Horne?

OK, well, Greg,
we're off to the pub! Ooh!

JACK: In you go.

Oh, hello!

Lovelies.

Oh, we have company.
Where's Alex?

Who cares?
LAUGHTER

EMMA: Oh, this is lovely.

Which one...? Yes, please.

Oh, thank you so much.

Would you like to...? Yep, sure.

"Win the pub quiz by cheating.

"The team that wins by cheating in
at least five different ways wins.

"If the quizmaster notices you
cheating, you will lose a point

"and you must use a different
method of cheating.

"This quiz will start
in five minutes.

"Your time starts now."

OK, so we need ways of cheating.
Mobile phone.

ROSIE: Have we got...? Hmm.

Hiya. Here he is.

Hi, guys, are you doing
the pub quiz tonight?

ALL QUIETLY: Yes.
Great!

I'll come and get your
team name soon.

Have I got time to go
to the toilet?

Yeah, quiz starts in three minutes.
Good thinking. Yeah.

There's your answer...sheet.
You all right?

Yeah. OK, there's your answer sheet
for the first two rounds.

OK, enjoy. Anyone need anything?
Good luck, enjoy!

BABA: Yes.

WHISPERING: What did you get?

Do you want that phone?
Oh, well done.

Earphone - oh!

An encyclopaedia - brilliant.

How do you intend to use
that without being noticed?

That's the next challenge.
LAUGHTER

ROSIE: It'll come in useful.

Keep, keep - yeah, it might do.

BABA: Oh, what's that?
One of you look after the...

It's a little book of...
Ah! That's Sue Perkins' number.

Do you have your phone? Yeah.
Save that now.



Quiz starts in 45 seconds, guys.
Cheers, mate.

OK. Team name, please?

Er, GK Picky People.

Er, we're Team Honesty.

Team Honesty, that's funny.

And have you got a team name?

Cheetahz - but like the animals.

Cheetahz?
Er, just Cheetahs with the Z.

C-H-E-E... ..E...

BOTH: ..T-A-H-Z.

Cheetahz.

OK, right, just go and get my
microphone, then we'll be off.

Yeah. OK. Yeah.

I've got something a little
bit provocative to say.

Are you both married?

Mm-hm. I'm also married.
Right. Mm-hm.

I was thinking, like, maybe just
kiss on the cheek would be cheating.

Right. Handshake, will that do?

I-I don't know if
it's that kind of cheating.

LAUGHTER
ROSIE: Get that book.

ROSIE LAUGHS

Try and remember what's in there.
OK.

All right, everyb...

Erm, what's in your right hand?
LAUGHING: Nothing!

Hmm, it's just fallen on
the floor there. Thanks.

I will put the books in my area.

Could I have the guide to
the beavers, please?

And also airpods out.
LAUGHING: You're so strict!

Yes. Sorry, I didn't see it there,
man. Hmm.

Sorry about that, bro.
Excuse me, thank you.

Hel-hello?! We're pretty much
back to square one.

Hello, can everyone hear?

APPLAUSE

Are you pub quizzers,
before we start?

No. Nah. I think it's a
waste of pub time.

LAUGHTER

EMMA: Every Monday.
Thank you, Emma.

Do you really, Emma?
Yeah, genuinely!

Ah. Cute. What's your team called?

Erm, No Arguments.

LAUGHTER

Cos we have a problem
with arguing.

So, one day, we realised,
"Oh, if we're called No Arguments,

"maybe we'll stop." Oh. Quite...

So, now we just argue
on the way home.

It's me and my husband.
LAUGHTER

All right, then,
you want to see the quiz?

I want to see the quiz!
OK, pens down, heads up,

or something - it's time to quiz!

GREG GASPS

Welcome to the Ship,
welcome to the pub quiz.

OK, question one - what is
the largest species of rodent?

What is the largest species
of rodent?

JACK: Not that.

It's not a mouse.

In what year was Mary,
Queen of Scots,

ex*cuted by her cousin?

Elizabeth I, of course.

In what year...?
EMMA: I'll just feign choking.

ROSIE: I've got cramp.

Ahh! Oh, just move around
the room a bit.

Oh, my God! Yeah.

EMMA SCREAMS LOUDLY

FEIGNS CHOKING
BABA: Oh, man.

It's quite early in
the quiz to get cramp.

Oh, yes! Right. All right.

She just needs to be.
..be... Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Wait.
LAUGHTER

Ooh!

EMMA COUGHS LOUDLY
ANDY: There's a...

EMMA RETCHES UNCONVINCINGLY
Err! Berr!

ALEX LAUGHS
Berr...

Feeling better now.

Right, we'll get th...
ROSIE: Nearly there.

We do need to carry on with
the quiz. Nearly there!

Question three, what is
the boiling point of mercury?

THEY MURMUR

It's 500. Yeah, do you think
it's that? Yeah.

Mercury. How you getting on?

What do the following states

have in common?

EMMA SCREAMS IN AGONY

Come down! Come down and help!

What do you...?
Come down and help me!

That's not really how it works.
You don't come down and help.

What's wrong?

WHISPERING: Basically... Yeah.
..I feel so sick.

OK. I feel really nauseous.

Right, well, do you want a blanket?
Yeah.

I'll get her a blanket, apparently.

OK, yeah, please. Right.

OK. Phones away, please.

BUZZER
Sorry. Oh, sorry.

It was my mum.

I-I see what you're doing there.

Round two - sport!

If I potted a red, then a black,

then a red, then a black,

then a red, then a pink,
then a red...

..then a yellow, then a red, then
a black, then a red, then a brown...

JACK LAUGHS
..then a red, then a green,

and all the colours,
what would my break be worth?

I'll be honest with you,
I think this is when you do

a quick, erm, romantic cheat. Right.

BABA CHUCKLES

So, can I just give you a quick...?

There we go.
LAUGHTER

Let's never speak of it again.

LAUGHTER CONTINUES
BUZZER

What is Sue Perkins'
favourite sport?

Oh! What is Sue...?

I need a sick bucket! Now!

A big bucket. Yeah.

Call Sue Perkins.

SUE PERKINS: Hi, it's Sue here,

sorry I can't take your call.

I'm... Oh, come on, Sue!
..on leave at the water hockey.

What, what? Hockey. Aha! Hockey.

h*-hockey, hockey. Right.

ROSIE: Can't I have a look

at question six?

LAUGHTER
What did you say?

Hello, everyone! OK.
SUSPICIOUSLY: Hiya! The answers.

Have you all swapped sheets?

Er, no, sorry, we've just got
them all mixed up. Oh...

Quick as you can, please.

Let's swap with them.

Hmm, as long as you don't
have your own...
BUZZER

As long as we don't have our own
sheets. Good try, though.

The biggest rodent was,
of course - please sit down -

capybara. 1587.



That would be a break of 70 points.

Sue Perkins' favourite sport was -
and still is...

..football.
EMMA: It's hockey.

But it-it's not, it's football.

Sorry, I have to be very
passionate about this. Yeah.

PASSIONATE PIANO PLAYS
Sue Perkins... Yeah.

..is my best friend. It's hockey.
LAUGHTER

Well, I've got her number, so I'll
give her a call in the break.

Give her a call! I'm sorry,
I don't want to be...

Can we call her now?
Give her a call now.

Call her now.
Yeah, please, just call her now.

Put it on speaker, let's hear it.

SUE PERKINS: Hi, it's Sue here.
Sorry, I can't take your call,

but I'm at the underwater hockey...

..which is a shame cos I actually
really love football.

UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE

The answer was football.

So, if you just tot up the scores...

The Sporty Foodie Flag Guys...

Yeah. ..er, zero in round one.

Right. And then... Three.

..three in round...in round two.

Three? Really?
JACK INHALES SHARPLY

Didn't quite get there.

And round two?
They're cheating, but...

Well, we got three. Hey.

We thought we had got more.

Well, rugby ball's right, isn't it?
Yeah, that is...

Well, misspelling, apparently.
It's a misspelling.

Well, they've misspelt
the word "misspelling".

BUZZER
Well done, guys.

All right, round three will
start in one minute.

APPLAUSE

I mean, s-some of
the most ludicrous overacting.

I mean, Jones went down
within seconds. Yeah.

And then, Emma, I presume
a trained actress, when you had

your multiple physical collapses.

I-I never trained, darling,
I never trained.

Ah! It doesn't show.
LAUGHTER

Do you know what I mean?

Baba was the only one, wasn't he,
who wasn't overacting? Yes.

But there's more to come, right?
They're only halfway through.

They're both pretty much
neck-and-neck.

I've caught them a few times,
but there is a second half to come.

That's the end of part three.
Come back for part four

and see someone take home
some soulful prizes.

It'll be like watching your kid
in the school play -

except shorter and fun,

and you won't have to stave off
boredom by imagining having

an affair with a teacher.

Just me?
HE LAUGHS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello!

Welcome back to
the final part of the show,

where a pub quiz is taking
place in the Ship.

On with the second half of the quiz,
where the two teams have to win

by cheating at least five times

without being caught
by old Eagle Eyes Horne,

the handsome quizmaster.

Here's how they got on.

Round three, picture round.

Question one -
what is Alex Horne holding?

Phones away, please.
BUZZER

What country's flag has
a green triangle on the left?

I do have a cramp again.

Please sit down.

BABA: Don't be a bore, bro! OK.

Come on, man. We're getting drunk.
Question three - please sit down.

Alex, I've got a delivery.

A delivery? Just checking if
the guy's at the front door.

Yeah. This is a pub.

Right, I will... Jack! Jack!

Yeah? You all right?

HE GIGGLES

Yeah, I don't think anyone saw that.

BUZZER
Ohh!

EMMA: Oh, God!
BABA: Get that under there, bro.

Oh, my God! Oh!
There's no-one there.

Oh, God! What animal features
on Albania's flag?

Right, I'll be back in two minutes
with the answers. Thank you.

JACK: What?

I'm going to...

Yo, yo! Yo! Ooh!

BUZZER
EMMA FEIGNS COUGHING

OK.

Ah.

Er, thingy's in so...

Hello, everyone.
Hiya. Hiya!

OK. The answers.

Erm, please swap papers.

Round three, the picture round.
OK, what was I holding?

What was redacted there?

A colander.

How did you know that?

Well, it looked...
It's just the expression,

you know? You... Colander.

And it was a colander. Yeah.

I love quizzes. Hmm!

Thanks for coming, everyone.
That is closing time now, so...

BELL DINGS
Wahey!..please get out.

Thank you, bye-bye.
Bye-bye, bye-bye.

EMMA: Cheers, guys. Cheers.

APPLAUSE

First of all, I will tell you
the scores in the quiz.

Andy, Emma, and Baba got


Jack and Rosie got 23 out of 30.

EMMA: Oh, God, that's close! Ah!

But we subtract points for
the amount of times

I caught them cheating.

I caught the team of three
six times.

I caught the two of two
nine times,

which means the team of three
win the quiz! Whoa!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Get in!

It was close, so I don't know
how you want to distribute points.


so 4 to the team of two,



APPLAUSE
ROSIE: That was good.

Quick look at the scores, then?
Yes, we can have the first look at

the series scores, if you want,
Greg. Ooh, yes, please! Mm!

Well, it's sort of going like this.

We've got Andy on 37,
Baba on 40, Emma on 42,

then we jump to Rosie on 46.

Jack's on 53 at the moment.

Ooh! Series leader.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, it's that time again.

Please head to the stage
for the final task of the show!

APPLAUSE

What is going on?

We've found their doppelgangers.

LAUGHTER

It's uncanny!

LAUGHTER CONTINUES
Who's going to read the task, Alex?

I'd like Jack Dee to read
the task please, Greg.

Oh, Jack, would you read it?
FLATLY: Yeah, OK.

LAUGHTER

"Rustle Russell, fill Phil,

"mark Mark, rob Rob, and pat Pat.

"When Alex blows his whistle,
you must all immediately

"either say one word to the
person next to you,

"or perform one action.

"The people may only say yes or no.

"If you perform the wrong action,
you are disqualified.

"You will then meet a new person.

"First person to perform all
the right actions to

"all the right people wins."

Yeah, so you're sitting next to
somebody who's either called Mark,

Pat, Russell, Rob, or Phil.

So, if you think
they're called Mark,

you put a mark on their clipboard.

If you think they're called Pat,
you pat them on the head.

If you think they're called
Russell, you rustle them.

Know what I mean?

If you think they're called Rob,
you steal one of their pencils.

If you think they're called Phil,

you put your stuffing
down their top.

LAUGHTER

If you find out that you're
sat next to, for example, Mark,

you have to wait till the next time
you meet Mark to mark Mark.

If you correctly fill Phil or
mark Mark, or rob Rob,

or rustle Russell, you'll get
a little sticker on your arm.

The first person to get all five
of them wins 5 points,

no-one gets any other points.

If you do the action wrong,
you're out of the game, OK?

It's... Once we get going,
it's less complicated.

LAUGHTER
Let's go.

WHISTLE BLOWS
Rob? No.

Phil? No.

Russell? No.

Mark? No.

Pat? No.

Move! We're off.

WHISTLE BLOWS
Phil? No.

Rob? Yes.

Move!

If you think you've got it right,
you have to remember till next time.

WHISTLE BLOWS
Mark? Yes.

Pat? Yes.

Not yet! Sit down!

LAUGHTER
GREG: Please sit down. Wait!

Move! Now move!

There you go.
LAUGHTER

It's not very often you'll see
Alex genuinely annoyed,

ladies and gentlemen.
LAUGHTER

So, here we go... Wait, wait,
what are their names again?

It's worth trying to remember them.
It's Mark, Pat...

LAUGHTER
..Russell, Rob, and Phil.

WHISTLE BLOWS
Russell? Yes.

Move. f*ck. Good.

LAUGHTER
WHISTLE BLOWS

DING!

There has been a successful action.
CHEERING

Move!

WHISTLE BLOWS

Yeah.
DING!

CHEERING
DING!

BUZZER
We have a disqualification.

Baba has got this person wrong!

You must stand behind your chair.
He is disqualified.

Oh, Baba. Ah! At this rate,
I don't care! Right, OK.

LAUGHTER

Move!
JACK: OK.

Ohh, sh*t!

LAUGHTER

That's definitely not his name.

LAUGHTER CONTINUES
WHISTLE BLOWS

DING!

OK, we've got some more action,

this is good. Move.

WHISTLE BLOWS

DING!
APPLAUSE

We have more actions.

Move, please. Move.
WHISTLE BLOWS

DING!
We have action over there.

Another sticker. Please move.

WHISTLE BLOWS

BUZZER
We have a disqualification.

Jack Dee is gone.

Jack's gone.
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

Only three left in the game.

Right, you're going to k*ll me.

LAUGHTER
Russell...

..Mark, Phil. ..Mark.

Yeeesss!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Rob! OK.

And just so you know...

Thank you, Emma.
Emma has one sticker. Thank you.

The wizard has one sticker,
Rosie has two stickers.

LAUGHTER
She's got two.

I know! f*ck's sake.
She's playing you, Emma.

She knows exactly what she's doing.

Here we go.
WHISTLE BLOWS

Rob? No.

Move, move, move.

WHISTLE BLOWS
Some action going on.

DING!
APPLAUSE

The wizard has another sticker.

And move.
WHISTLE BLOWS

We have more action here.

DING!
The wizard has three stickers.

APPLAUSE
WHISTLE BLOWS

DING!
Oh, stickers!

DING!

APPLAUSE

We could be approaching the endgame.

WHISTLE BLOWS

DING! DING!
We have five stickers!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

EMMA: No!

We will add those scores
to the final score.

Come down and join me!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

HALTINGLY: What a rush! Hmm!

All right, well, as you saw,
there was only five points to

one person there and that person
was Mr Andy Zaltzman.

The wizard has his revenge.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It means the final table
today looks like this.

He's only gone and done it -
the winner, with 21 points,

is Andy Zaltzman! The wizard!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Andy Zaltzman wins!

Please go up and celebrate with
your soulful prizes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE