18x05 - Big Stupid Things

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains
strong language and adult humour

Urgh!

Oh....

Whoo!

SHE LAUGHS

SHE SCREAMS

Oh, you're useless at this.

Argh!

Prrp! Boop!

Urgh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome to Taskmaster -

the answer to the question,

"What if five people squandered the
opportunities

"afforded by parents and education

"in search of a demonstrably
worthless prize?"

We're at the halfway point now.

Literally any of the five could take
the top spot.

They need to work hard or, like so
many of our previous winners,

come to my dressing room with a
suitcase full of quality meat.

Papa likes a mixed grill!

Let's meet them!

Andy Zaltzman...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Babatunde Aleshe...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Emma Sidi...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Jack Dee...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..and Rosie Jones!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And next to me,

a man who confided in me

that he considers people who work
for the Fire Service

to be the least intelligent of all
emergency staff...

SINGSONG:..it's Little Alex Horne.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's right.

Let's crack on with the prize task.

What's the category, Little Alex
Horne?

Well, hey - just stop right
there, mister! Ah...

Because they've been asked to bring
in

the thing that is best when you add
liquid to it.

Jack. Hmm.

What thing have you brought that if
you add water to it it's good?

I've brought in a swimming pool. So
I think that that's it, isn't it?

That's... It's pretty route one,
yeah. And here it is...

Yeah. It's in a box.

Wow. I was convinced there was gonna
be something funny up there.

No. It's...

It's literally just a...

I didn't say it was going to be
funny,

I said it's going to be a swimming
pool.

Mm. Do you want see proof that it's
better with liquid in it?

As per the brief!

Here we go...

Here you go.

That's how I exercise every morning.

APPLAUSE

That was in the winter, actually,

so I was fully wetsuited up,

but this morning I was naked.

Impressed and turned on.

Andy. Yes.

Should I address the fact that
you've opted to dress as a snooker
player today,

or shall we just sail past it?
Really it's about a state of mind,

cos I've found myself getting
a little irritable in earlier shows.

Yeah! Snooker teaches you -

when you're not at the table, you've
just got to sit there and take it.

So...

So I'm...

I'm just...

..just trying to get myself in
the right frame of mind.

Andy, what have you brought in
that's good when water's in it?

Powdered trampoline. Huh? Ooh!

Yes, Andy's brought in a product.
Yeah.

It's powdered trampoline, this is
the packet.

I've got a range of other instant
products.

Yeah, this is the back of the
packet.

Here is what else is available...

Powdered granny, powdered puppy,
powdered hedge, powdered snooker...

Yeah. ..powdered powder. Yes. Just
in case.

And it works. It does actually work.
And it works...

We tested it, and it does actually
work. He's got...

You've got three grannies
backstage, haven't you? Yeah!

It's just desiccated grandmother,
but it really works. It's wonderful.

Desiccated grandmother...

Rosie.

A balloon.

What...?
HE CHUCKLES

A balloon with air in, even helium,
whoo!

But, add water...

Add water... OK. Whoa.

Cheeky!

Also, can I show you

the most satisfying video ever?

Here we go, watch this.

Whee!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

SPEECH INAUDIBLE

It does get better... Yeah, exactly!
..but not MUCH better.

Emma. Greg. Yes?

I've brought in a portrait of you.

Appeals to my ego. Great. Tick.

First, type of liquid -

it's watercolour pencils is the
material used,

so you add liquid to it, it gives a
lovely effect, OK?

Kind of aquarelle pencils.

Secondly, the artist was drunk.

I got my brother pissed... Your
brother? Yeah.

You added liquid to your brother?
Yes.

And made him do a portrait of you.

Are you ready to see the portrait?
It's promising, I've got to say.

Here we go...

Do you wanna see what he achieved
sober?

To just give you a comparison?

Yes, I just would like to enjoy
the accuracy...

Hmm. Yeah.
..of my three big testicles.

Without water, it's this.

Oh... It's quite good actually.
Yeah.

Let's go back to pissed three ba*ls.
Yeah.

Add liquid. There we are! Yeah!

Emma, this is your strongest showing
yet. Very good.

Thank you. Very good. Really good.
All right.

Oh, Baba... All right, just take
your mind back to your childhood.

OK. You're sitting at home, right?
OK. Yeah.

And now your mum's just like, "Would
you like some dessert?"

Just for a second I thought you
said, "Your mum's a slag."

LAUGHING: That's what I heard.

I would not say that to you, all
right, Greg?

Sorry. Yeah, just take, cast your
mind back in the day.

You're sitting at home, and your
mum's just like...

LAUGHTER

You definitely said, "Your mum's
a slag" that time.

Yeah. You said it again. I did not
say his mum's a slag,

I wouldn't say that! Did you hear
it?

Yeah, he's said it twice now, yeah.

Do you wanna show them what
I brought in?

Baba's brought in jelly powder.

Cast your mind back, yeah? Back in
the day. Back in the day. OK.

You're in the garden, you're
running around. Yeah.

One of your parents...

THEY ALL LAUGH
..calls you in...

QUIETLY: ..and she's a slag, and...

..she says, "I've got jelly
and ice cream for you."

What's your reaction?

All I can think is just to say,
"Thank you, Mum.

"Shall I call this guy uncle
as well?"

The time has come, Greg.

All right, well I'm gonna give Baba
one,

and I'm sorry, Baba, because I do
like jelly,

but I think Rosie's made a good
point,

you can be cheeky with a balloon,
and who doesn't like being cheeky?

One to Baba, two to Rosie. Got it.
Yes. OK.

I'll congratulate Jack on keeping
himself in shape,

and I'll give him three points.
Three points for the swimming pool.

Four to Andy, five to Emma,
there it is! There we go.

On we go. Task please, Alex.

Mm-hm, right-on, Greg.

And it's time to blow the budget
again - uh-oh -

because we've got
an actual AI robot from Midhurst.

Oh, God.

HE CHUCKLES

Oh, no.

Hi, Alex. My name is Robert.

Robert? Robert.

Robert? Robert.

Your name is Robot? Robert. Robert.

Ohhh...

Ah!

Cheers, thank you.

Oh, sorry, are you...? Hi.

Oh, whatever. Hello, Emma.

Hello.

Direct the robot to its charging
station and plug it in.

You must give the robot
an instruction every ten seconds.

The robot will ignore any
instructions

that contain the letters O or E.

You may not touch the robot.

Fastest wins. Your time starts now.

OK. This sounds like a total pain.

Do you think sometimes you've lost a
bit of the joy of life?

Even when you came in, everyone else
went,

"Ooh, a robot!" and you went
"Hello, Alex."

When I was watching it, I wrote
down,

"Emma's response to the robot was
odd, ask her to explain it."

It's... Ah, what would you call it?

Oh, God.

Platonic arousal?

Oh, the old PA?

It's like the opposite of a phobia.

So I love, like, mascots...
ROSIE CHUCKLES

..Mr Blobby... Do you like the
things outside petrol garages?

Yeah. Absolutely love them.

Big stupid things.

Yeah.

Oh...

She knows I've got a degree, right?

OK, I guess we should begin with a
bit of android Andy

and robot Rosie. Here we go. Lovely.

Is the charging station in here?

Instruction.

Turn to...

No. Oh, f*ck.

Is it worth leaving this room?
Uh, that's lots of O's. Lots of E's.

Turn this way.

Is the charging station on
you somewhere?

Ow...Ow. Please don't touch me.

Oh, sorry, yeah, good point.

Back.

Yes!

No.

SHE SCREAMS

Turn. Ah...ah, that's so simple.
Don't touch the robot.

Instruction.

Sing.
ROBOT SINGS

I...I... I really need a
charging... Right. Charging station.

Waaaaalk.

Halt!

ROBOT SOUNDS
Eat...eat this.

BUZZ

Where's the f*cking
charging station?

Instruction.

Oh, sh*t. If I, uh, find, uh,
um, uh...

Duck. Duck. Duck...Duck. Walk.

Uh, in, um....

Charge me!

Waaaaalk!

Stairs. Staaaaaaaairs!

Uh, star...star jumps.

Halt. Halt.

Pardon? Hello?

I'll have a look outside. OK.

WHISPERS: f*cking c*ck.
LAUGHTER

Stairs. Ooh.

Walk.

Halt.

Instruction, please.

Oh. Oh, no.

Left. No.
BUZZ

Uh, no. Uh, not right. Not right.
Not right is right.

Right. This is why we shouldn't
trust technology.

Where's the...

WOOOOOOOOW!

Hazard. Hazard. Hazard.
Hazard. Hazard. Hazard.

Right.

Help! Oh, uh, hedge.
BUZZ

Uh, cow.
BUZZ

Halt. Turn right.

Uh, stop, stop, stop.
BUZZ

I can't stop.Right.
CRASH

Am I charging?

Yay!

Hang on, hang on. Sit, sit.

Oh. Charging. Thank you, Andy.

I would say you're welcome but
they would be hollow, hollow words.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

When I thought, "Rosie Jones is
gonna nail this task", you walked

the robot away from
the charging station

and made it stand on
a piece of cardboard.

That looked like a solar panel. It
looked like a piece of cardboard.

Oh.

Andy. Yes.

The only words I could make out were
"star jumps", I heard. Yeah.

And then when you got outside,
"f*cking c*ck". Yep.

Sorry,
just trying to stay calm here, Greg.

LAUGHTER

OK. Time for Alex to stop for

a few minutes of mindfulness.
Close your eyes. Breathe deeply.

Thank you, welcome back.

Here we are again, safe
and sound in part two.

Yeah, safe and sound here, sure.
But not so safe in the house, Greg,

because there's
a bloody robot on the loose!

Three people left. It's Emma,
Baba and Jacka.

Charging station.

Walk.

Walk at charging station. No. Why?

Station.
BUZZ

OK.

This way.

This way. This way.

This way.This way.

Um, uh... Um, hang on, what,
what, what. Instruction, please.

Laugh.
ROBOT LAUGHS

Walk at charging plug.

Charging plug is behind me.

Find plu...find plug.

Plug there.
LAUGHTER

Laugh.
ROBOT LAUGHS

Laugh.

ROBOT LAUGHS

This way.

This way. This way.

Where's that charging station?
Laugh!

ROBOT LAUGHS

Laugh!
ROBOT LAUGHS

Laugh!
ROBOT LAUGHS

Oh!

Laugh!
ROBOT GIGGLES

I've found it, robot. OK.

Do not touch me.

Stay... Stay.

I mean, you're useless at this.

Thank you.

Squat, squat. Squat?

This way. This way. Yeah. Oh!

Oh, I can't touch you. Ow. Oh.

Crawl.

Oh, my God. OK.

INAUDIBLE

Laugh.
ROBOT LAUGHS

What is this thing?

Wait. Wait.

There must be s... It must be out
here. Pursuit.

Follow...
BUZZ

Follow...
BUZZ

Come.
BUZZ

Move.
BUZZ

What, oh, walk! Walk.

Where is this charging point?
What, no, ah, ah!

I've got it, I've got it.

Turn lady, turn lady.

Small. Small. Walk.

Hmm. Uh, cease.
BUZZ

Uh... Um...No.Uh, uh, wait.
BEEP

Pursuit. Turn.

This way.

This way.

Stairs. Stairs. Stairs.

Run lady, run lady.

Run! Wait. Follow.
BUZZ

No follow. Oh.

Left, left.
BUZZ

I can't go left. Wait... Wait!

I can't go left.

What are you doing?
I can't go left.

Pursuit. Quick. Quick.

Run my lady. Run my lady.

This way, this way,
this way, this way, this way.

Wait. Turn. Wait.

Laugh.
ROBOT GIGGLES

Oh. Oh. Ooh. Ooh!

You charging? Charging.

Brrrap!

Thank you. You're welcome.

APPLAUSE

This is the only task where I...I
was gonna...

I don't feel good saying this. Oh,
my God. This is so not my character.

I was gonna floor that robot.

That didn't come across at all. It
didn't because I hide it so well.

Jack, did you enjoy that? You looked
quite annoyed by the robot.

It was annoying. I'd forgotten which
vowels you couldn't use.

But you settled on one instruction,
in the end. Pursuit.

Which is quite strange. It is,
it is.

But it did work, actually,
it did work.

Jack really laughed hard when

the robot revealed his charging
station was near his bottom.

Do you want the times?
Tell me some times.

Well, Andy, 21 minutes.
Rosie, 16:40.

Jack was nine minutes, three
seconds,

Baba, seven minutes, 39.
But Emma, six minutes, 56.

Five points to Emma Sidi.
APPLAUSE

What's that done to
the scores, Alex?

Well, I can tell you this.
She's not won an episode

yet. She's the only one who hasn't.

But Emma is in the lead with
ten points. Whoa!

APPLAUSE

What. Is. Next?

I. Can. Tell. You.

I'm afraid the cast have created
quite the stink. Ooh.

Oh! Sorry. Sorry.

Hello, Emma. Hello. How are you?

Hi, Alex.

It's good to see you using
the bat, finally.

Well, you never know, do you?

OK. Oh...

Make the strongest smell.

The strongest smell.

You must seal your smell in
this jar...

..and the Taskmaster will open it in
the studio.

You have 20 minutes.

Your time starts now.

You want me to fart in it?

Ha-ha-ha. I'm not
gonna do that.

I'm sorry what I'm about to do.
LAUGHTER

Make the strongest smell. OK,
uh, yeah, so strongest smell

but not nastiest smell.

So it could be a nice smell.

Right, well, I'm gonna go and look.

I mean there's all these air
fresheners here.

There's that.

But that's probably got
a battery in it.

If that's just constantly squirting
stuff out...

I don't want to ming him out. Do
you know what I mean?

Milk.

Imagine that in three months.

We're gonna make magic here, Alex.

Bit of science going on there, by
the looks of it.

It's growing... Yeah.
Meant to be growing?

We'll let it grow if it wants
to grow.

Ooh, that's strong.

What do you think?
Can you smell it yet?

It's quite subtle, isn't it?

sh*t.

This is gonna be absolutely foul.

Let's shake it. Oh, Jesus.

I hope you like Marmite, fam.

Mmm. Urgh. No? Swear down?
Uh, I don't mind it. I can...

No, bro. Like, live your truth.
If you like it, you like it, bro.

Well, I can take it or leave it.

That's lovely. It's not that strong.

He's gonna have
the shock of his life, boy.

I think that one's...that one's a
bit stronger.

You are putting in some things that
get rid of stubborn smells.

Uh, I hadn't really thought of that.

That's probably
the best idea anyone would've had.

Cos everyone else'll be going out
finding smelly stuff

to put in the jar. Not you. Not me.
No. I'm a...I'm in my own league.

That's for you, my guy.

You finished, have you? Yeah.

OK.

Oh, that's coming up lovely.

Where's my grater?

It's quite nice.

Does... It's not... It doesn't smell
of anything, does it?

I think you're gonna need to seal
that up in the next four seconds.

Oh, right. I've gotta s...

WHISTLE BLOWS
Can I shake it?

I'm not sure that's wise. Right.

APPLAUSE

As if by magic, this has appeared.

Underneath each pictured sheath is
their jar.

The thing is, though, Greg,

do you think some people are more
observant than others?

Yes. Well, I do wanna show you this.

All right.

Make the strongest smell.

Oh!

Oh.

You must smell your smell in
the studio before

the Taskmaster smells your smell.

LAUGHTER
If you refuse to smell your smell

the Taskmaster will not smell
your smell

and you will receive zero points.

So is that to sort of...

..discourage poos?
LAUGHTER

No, we didn't put that in
to discourage poos.

You can still p...poo in it if
you want.

I should probably say at this point,
we have run this by lawyers

and scientists. Wow.

And they do say, when smelling
the jars, it shouldn't be

a deep breath,
a shortish sniff is the best option.

They also shouldn't be sticking
their nose right into

the glass jar.
It is just strongest smell.

That's all we want. Strongest.
Strongest, right.

So it doesn't have to be foulest.
Yeah, strongest smell.

You monster.
LAUGHTER

Honestly, about every other day,

I've been thinking about it.

LAUGHTER

I'm really excited.

Rosie called it eggy-milky-cheesy
surprise.

The only surprise is gonna be,

as well as puking, am
I gonna sh*t myself?

Yeah.

Let's start with
the person who knew the right thing

to do. So, Emma, please step behind
your sheath.

So, what you're gonna do,
Emma, is unsheathe your jar

and then put your sheath...
LAUGHTER

It's clearly a cardboard box.

You're gonna...you're gonna put your
pictured sheath behind your jar.

Lovely. And then pop your jar on top
of your pictured sheath.

That's perfect. That should be about
the right height and angle.

Sheath, jar, sniff.

Sniff and shut.

Ah, yeah, that was bloody strong.

Thank you, Emma.

All right, this is gonna set the
bar. It's perfume, tea and fruit.

At best, mild.

Happy with that.

Genuinely spa-like. I feel relaxed.

Great, yeah, yeah.

OK, Baba. You're up next.

Baba, everybody. Lovely.

OK. That looks evil.

Yeah.

LAUGHTER

I was gonna say we didn't know if
he'd breathed in or out there

but I think we know.

I feel light-headed.

I thought Baba was
disappointed initially,

and then I thought his eyes
were actually going to come out.

Yeah.

It's got a bit of power
to it, all right.

Did you...did you get the Marmite?

I felt that broke through.

I can smell Marmite from here. Yeah.

That was unpleasant.

E...Emma's was like wandering around
a Laura Ashley shop.

Right. Let's stop for a break
and to counteract

the mindless consumerism you're
about to watch, some Shakespeare.

If thou wert my fool

I'd have thee beaten
for being old before thy time.

How's that?

Thou shouldst not have been old till
thou hadst been wise.

O, let me not be mad, not mad, sweet
heaven! I would not be mad.

Keep me in temper.
I would not be mad.

All right, you can
go and buy an air fryer now.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, again!

You join us for
the third part of the show,

where more jars are waiting
to be opened.

Remember, it's the
strongest smell we're after,

so here we go with our next one.

Shall we see if Jones comes up
smelling of Rosies?

Well... Yeah!

We do need to say,
with the next three,

if you could not be quite
as close to the smell.

LAUGHTER
OK. Jesus Christ.

AUDIENCE GROANS

It retained its colour.

Ahh!
LAUGHTER

This is top ten

moments of my life.

LAUGHTER

And now, you can go.

Fine.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I quite like it!

Right, OK, you go up.
Thank you Rosie. Ah.

APPLAUSE

Oh, I thought that would be worse.

Well, it's been airtight
for 14 weeks, so... Yeah.

JACK: Yeah, you're right not
to trust, I think.

I don't trust her.
A wise move. Go on!

And the reason I'm dragging this
out a bit is I just want to wait

to see if you puke up.

LAUGHTER

Oh.
LAUGHTER

I'm annoyed.

Oh, this is has backfired. Yeah.

My God, it's...

I actually think this smells less
than...Emma's flower shop.

OK, well, it's Jack next
with his air freshener.

We do have to read a word of warning

about this highly-pressurised jar
first of all.

Do not ingest, avoid contact
with eyes, skin and clothing,

avoid breathing gas,
avoid breathing vapour or mist,

use only with adequate ventilation.

Good luck, Jack. Good.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This has gotta be dangerous,
hasn't it? OK.

EMMA: Ooh!

Ooh, it popped, all right.
That's lively, innit? Yeah.

Well, it-it smells like
a disgusting air freshener.

It's come here straight away.

Yeah. There it is. Y-Yeah.

Did you get the cool elegance
of fine linen?

LAUGHTER

Oh!
LAUGHTER

That is unpleasant.

Ooh, that's like my nan's
come back to life.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK. Good. One left - finally...

JACK SNORTS

Ooh, that has made me feel
a bit funny, actually.

Are you all right?
LAUGHTER

OK, one left - finally, with a
blend of mouthwash, de-icer,

oven cleaner, raspberry bath pearls,

stain remover, malt vinegar,
cider vinegar, moisturising cream,

vague alcohol liquid, grated
wellies, hair wax,

eight dishwasher tablets,
flowers, a brain candle, sardines,

and a goblin fart,
it's Andy Zaltzman!

LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, bloody hell!
AUDIENCE GROANS

Oh, that looks like something.

LAUGHTER

C-Count to three.

ROSIE: Ah.

EMMA GASPS
Oh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

EMMA: That's awful!
JACK: That's...

..that's how I'm going
to remember you.

LAUGHTER

Oh. Close it.

Oh, get f*cked!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

GREG GROANS

Ah, that is unpleasant.
Yeah, that's not nice.

That is unholy, actually!

Really unusual. Really unusual mix.

But I'm not marking it on grossness.

I'm marking it on strength,
aren't I? Strength.

Strength of smell.
Your delicious yoghurty breakfast

barely smelt at all. Yeah!

So, that's one point to Rosie.
I'm afraid so, yeah.

Next up, it was Emma's delightful
stroll through the countryside.

Yeah. Yeah. So, two to Emma.

Yeah. Proudly take that.

And then, in terms of strength -

if there were style points -
Andy would win,

cos it's one of the worst smells
I've ever smelt.

But, in terms of the power...

The power.

..Andy would be three points. Oh!

And then, Baba's Marmite
and coffee would be four,

and the most powerful smell -
if that's what I'm judging on,

strength of smell... Which it is.
..would be Jack Dee.

Well, there we go, five points to


Jack Dee!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'd very much like another task,
please, Alex.

And finally.

ROSIE: Ooh! Lovely.

Hello. Hello!

Hi, Alex. You all right?

Yes, I am.
Yeah, nice to see you both. Good.

Matching outfits.

LAUGHTER

EMMA: Shall I open it?

Yeah, you have to. All right.

You well?

Adequate.

"Present the most
heart-warming final story

"for a local news programme.

"You have half an hour,

"and your story must last
no more than two minutes.

"Your time starts now."

Has the story got to be true?

What, do you want to go and do
some actual journalism?

Out there. Yeah.

We could just go out there and...
Find a person.

HE CHUCKLES
..find a person, yeah.

Could be barbequing
some actual hearts?

That would be literally
heart-warming?

LAUGHTER
There's something in it.

It's usually that thing, you know,

"And finally, a baby panda
has been born."

Babies are cute.

Not everyone likes babies that much.

Usually, things like puppies
and stuff are more... Yeah.

You know, they're more
heart-warming, aren't they? Yeah.

BABA: Local animal
that's given birth.

Birth is always, you know...
Well, birth is good.

That is beautiful. Birth is good.

Well, there's giving birth
to something unexpected.

The gerbil that gave birth to a car.

Aw!

Well, the news broadcast
starts in 27 minutes.

Nice one. Let's do it,
let's go. Come on.

APPLAUSE

You get asked to think of
a heart-warming story,

Zaltzman says,
"What if we burn a heart?"

And Jack Dee crashes in with,
"Not everyone likes babies."

LAUGHTER

Let's see these news teams
in action. OK.

It's time to switch over
now to Croydon Today,

with Anna, Baba, and Emma.

EMMA: Unfortunately,
the largest of the crocodiles

is still at large.

And finally, some heart-warming
local news now!

We meet the local woman who
is potentially about to become

the oldest winner of
the Tour de France.

LAUGHTER

Mrs Isabella Cratchington

is on track to win
the coveted yellow jersey.

We join our cycling correspondent
Gogo Jenkins as he finds out

how she's getting along. Gogo?

Gogo?

Gogo Jenkins, are you there?

Gogo, mate? Gogo.

Hi, Sophie!
LAUGHTER

Er, yeah. I'm here at
the Champs Elysees, in Paris,

where the atmosphere is tense

as we await what could potentially
be the oldest person to compete

and win the Tour de France.

Now, this tournament has been
full of ups and downs - oh!

I can confirm Isabella
is our new champion!

Now, there will be doping checks -

which, in this case,
she most likely will fail.

Hi, I'm here with the winner of

the Tour de France,
Isabella Cratchington.

Isabella, what was your strategy?

Well, to get to the end, erm,

in a shorter time than
everyone else.

Now, Isabella, I have to ask you,

what are your thoughts on
performance-enhancing drugs

in this competition?

Erm, w-well, er,

I would say that it's never
been proved, has it?

Yes, no proo...it's hearsay,
and it's, er, it's fine.

Thank you very much.
Back to you at the studio.

Gogo, er, I know that woman.

And I know for a fact

that she should not be there.

That's all from us.

Have a lovely weekend, and do
remember that the new volcano

will erupt on Saturday at 7pm.

LAUGHTER
Stay safe, bye-bye.

APPLAUSE

It was very good. Very good.

EMMA: I think Andy was very -

you were, sort of, very
inspired by this story and...

Yeah, I've taken up road cycling,

and I've won the
Tour de France myself.

Have you? Yeah.

I think that Isabella Cratchington
looks younger than Andy.

LAUGHTER

That's probably the blood doping.

You know, does wonders.

We don't generally
see real news anchors going,

"There's more I can tell you
about that, but I won't."

LAUGHTER
Yeah, they don't say it with words.

But they do say it with
their eyes, Greg. Do they?

Fiona Bruce definitely says
that with her eyes. Absolutely.

Maybe I'm just not looking
hard enough. Well. Hmm.

Not a bad start.
Shall we have a break,

and then, see the other one? OK.

In the final part of the show,

the usual quality of prizes
are there to be won.

Jelly powder and
some desiccated trampoline.

Or, as my nan liked to call it,

"ration book trifle."
LAUGHTER

We'll see you in a bit.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yes, hello!

Welcome back to the final
part of Taskmaster,

where there are
some local news stations

wrapping up their shows with
a final heart-warming story.

Bang-on, big bum!

And we end with a fresh look
for anchor Jack Dee

and his roving reporter,
Rosie Jones.

Makes you think, doesn't it?

People like that make me sick.

LAUGHTER
And finally - viewers may recall

the story of Harold the
lonely hedgehog,

who was found at
a bus stop in Lewisham

crying real tears of loneliness.

Many of you viewers have been
in touch asking for an update

on Harold's progress -

and I'm happy to report
that Rosie Jones,

our roaming reporter, has some
heart-warming news.

Rosie.

Thanks, Jack!

I'm not in a lovely, warm

studio like you are.

I'm doing the REAL work.

Harold the hedgehog
has met a friend!

Harold and Roger have bonded...

JACK SIGHS
..over their mutual love of leaves,

mud, and cricket.

LAUGHTER

Back to our own prickly hedgehog

in the studio, Jack!

Thanks, Rosie.

Not sure I'm really
actually that prickly.

But anyway,
thank you for joining us.

I hope you found that a
heart-warming story.

I know we certainly did.

Thanks to Rosie Jones there,
out in the field.

Join us again same time
tomorrow on Look Out.

I'm Jack Dee,
and that's all that matters.

What you do mean "prickly"?

You are.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I like that look.

What I couldn't really get past
is the joke right at the top,

where Alex Horne is shown,

and there's some suggestion that

Alex is an on-the-run sex criminal.

THEY LAUGH

And I enjoyed that joke very much.

But then, when I saw
the news anchor,

I did think there was some
degree of irony there.

LAUGHTER

I'd have that man arrested
based on looks alone.

There seemed to be some sort
of tension between

your two characters, Rosie.

Yeah, basically, I've been wanting
Jack's job for years,

but he won't f*cking retire.

LAUGHTER

I had no idea there was such a...
Yeah.

..complicated dynamic. Yes.

The dynamic is a programme where
two people have to work together

every day, but absolutely
loathe each other.

I can't remember where I got
the idea from, but it was...

LAUGHTER

That's all a smokescreen. Hmm.

We are lovers.

LAUGHTER

Well, I enjoyed them both. Yeah.

I think there's one point
in between the two teams. OK.

I preferred the old lady.

All right.

How many points do you want
to give that team? Four.

And this team? Three. Done.
There we go, everybody!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hey, let's have a quick
look at the scores.

OK, well, in the series,
it's tight -

just 12 points separating
the five of them.

Rosie's on 67, Emma 72,

Andy also 72,
Baba's in second place on 75.

Jack's in the lead on 79
at the moment. Oh!

But today's leaderboard, she's still
in the lead now, on 16 points,

Emma Sidi's in first place. Oh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Exciting stuff.
OK, please head up to the stage

for the final task of the show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hey, you. Hmm?

Who's reading the task out today?

Ronnie O'Sulli...
Andy, Andy Zaltzman.

LAUGHTER

"Land your skydiver closest
to the seal.

"You must catapult your
skydiver with the catapult.

"Furthest from the target
each round is eliminated.

"Last player standing wins."

OK, first up, she's in the lead,
it's Emma Sidi.

Please approach the catapult.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

EMMA: OK.
Let's dance.

Oh!

CHEERING

We'll be measuring from the little
skydiver, not the parachute,

so that's in the second red -
not bad. Jack Dee's up next.

IN WEAK FRENCH ACCENT:
Good luck, my friend.

Ah, French resistance.

JACK CHUCKLES

AUDIENCE OOHS
APPLAUSE

Lovely action. Lovely landing.

Jack - Jack is safely
through to round two.

Next up, Baba. Good luck.

A-A lovely action.

Whoa. Lovely. Whoa!
He's going for it.

Whoa!
AUDIENCE GASPS

Yes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Andy Zaltzman!

The commitment to holding
the cue is incredible.

Zaltzman.

AUDIENCE GASPS
It's high!Ooh!

APPLAUSE

Andy, you're in trouble -
unless Rosie Jones does worse.

Good luck, Rosie.

I'll say it before you all say it.

I'm going to be sh*t.

LAUGHTER

Right in the f*cking face.

LAUGHTER
CHEERING

APPLAUSE

Andy is eliminated!

JACK: Poor Andy. Poor Andy.

But it's round two, Greg, hello!

Hello, there!

It's Emma up first, of course.

Emma, please reapproach
the catapult.

Emma - all to play for,
for Emma Sidi.

Lovely. Oh.

Lovely. Lovely! Good!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Jack, you're up next.

Is the little man actually
on the seal?

It's unbelievable.
Almost, yeah. Ah.

Good land, Emma Sidi.
He's breathing!

LAUGHTER

He is...he is breathing!

Ooh...ooh.
AUDIENCE GASPS

APPLAUSE

He's in trouble.

Baba, you're up next, if you want
to approach the catapult.

LAUGHTER

Very flat.

Oh, Baba, that's controversial.

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE CONTINUES

Well, you've got a chance, Rosie.

You've got to not hit
an audience member

to get through to the next round.

I might as well sit here, bro.
JACK: All right, yeah.

ROSIE: I'm going to k*ll you lot.

LAUGHTER

The guy with the eye out.

She's through!

APPLAUSE

Emma, it's round three.

If you get through this,
you're in the final.

EMMA: Right.
Come on, Em.

I'm doing this for the brunettes.

Yeah, baby!

AUDIENCE WHOOPS
Oh.

Ohh!
AUDIENCE GASPS

APPLAUSE

The heights you've fallen from -
you were on the wood last time.

Shut up.
LAUGHTER

Jack, you're on next.
Good, luck Jack. Here we go.

ROSIE: Ha!

LAUGHTER

I told you. Void it!

That's gamesmanship,
I'm sorry, that.

You're doing it legs first.

Put his legs first, yeah.
Legs first, I'm trying.

That's going to take
someone's eye out. Oh!

APPLAUSE

Jack is in the final.

Rosie, will you join him? Tense.

Ah. Right.

Come on, you bugger.

Or two.

Yeah.
APPLAUSE

We have our finalists.
We've lost Emma Sidi!

I would say, "Good luck, Jacky,"

and if you want to beat me,

a disabled girl...

LAUGHTER

..you do you.

And so, is it compassion or victory
that's more important to Jack?

Well, let's find out.

Clearly victory.

APPLAUSE

EMMA: Come on, Rosie.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Oh, f*ck.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE GASPS

Who do blue...? Blue first.

Peel blue, yeah. Wait and see.

Oh, my God.

And there he is,
just on the edge of red.

Jack wins!

APPLAUSE

Come down here, and we'll add
that to the final scores!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

How are you feeling, Jack?

Exhilarated and, er,

I feel a little bit guilty after
the exchange, but, you know...

But? ..I had to, it was game -
you know, game on, wasn't it?

That's Taskmaster,
take no prisoners.

Yeah, it's Taskmaster.
Take no prisoners.

LAUGHTER
AUDIENCE AWWS

Would you like to see
the scoreboard? Obviously.

Well, because of what Jack did,
Rosie's come last.

LAUGHTER

And Jack is at the top of
the leaderboard,

joint with Emma Sidi, on 19 points!

Oh, my God!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

A tie-break!

AUDIENCE WHOOPS

Wow. I know, Greg, yes,
and this one was an easy one.

All they had to do was work out
how many days old I will be

on Christmas Day 2024.

BOTH GROAN

They had to make eye contact
with me the whole time,

and could only give one answer.

The closest to
the correct answer wins.

Here's how they both got on.

Eye contact.

OK. You're 45.

You're 33. Yes, fine.

So, what year were you born?

When do you think I was born?

Oh, come off it,
just answer the question.

I think you were born
on Christmas Day.

Right, like Father Christmas?

So, nine times 365 is 3,000...
Mm-hm.

..and then, I'm going to half that.


What? That's, like, nothing.

I think you're...52.

Really? Yes, I do!
What's wrong with that?

I was born in 1978.



Yes, so how old are you now
this year? It's a simple question.

Sure, yeah. Well I'm, I'm 45 now.


you thought I was...

You're 45. All right.



WHISTLE BLOWS

No, there's no way, there's no way
I can do that without a calculator.

OK. I mean, I'm actually...
I'm actually giving up.

Right. Are you going
to give an answer?

No, I've given up. Right.

THEY LAUGH

I've given up.
WHISTLE BLOWS

JACK GROANS
EMMA LAUGHS

Coming out the gate, you had the
aggression of a 1970s policeman.

Yeah! I just couldn't have -
I'm going to...

At the time,
I couldn't have imagined

it was ever going to matter.

Yeah. And then, when you realise
it matters so much...

So very much.

So, the actual answer was 17,538.

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
Emma was 293 days out.

She wins because Jack gave up.
There we go. OK.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thanks for giving up.
Emma Sidi wins!

Please leg it up and lift aloft
your liquid hungry loot!

CHEERING
What have we learnt today?

Sometimes on Taskmaster,
we learn profound things about life,

and sometimes those profound things

are short, succinct, sweet.

For example, today we just learnt...

..my mum's a slag.

LAUGHTER

We're halfway to the final.

And the winner of the night,
to mark the occasion,

is the incredible Emma Sidi!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE