02x08 - The Full Moon

[bunniefuu]

♫ [super happy music starts] ♫

[owl retching sounds]

♫ Thank you to the butterflies in my stomach ♫

♫ I haven't felt this nervous ♫

♫ Since I was a little fluffy dumb nestling ♫

♫ My daring do is half disguised ♫

♫ Behind the smile, my beak is grinding ♫

♫ Ever minding, I swore ♫

♫ I wouldn't dwell on the divorce ♫

♫ So for my own health ♫

♫ I'll remind myself ♫

♫ That when I see him ♫

♫ I know that it won't feel so tough ♫

♫ I'll believe him ♫

♫ And not the voice that says I'm not enough ♫

♫ No need for an arrangement ♫

♫ It can just be him and me, I'll set us free ♫

♫ How perfect it could be ♫

♫ When I see him tonight ♫

♫ [tempo changes] ♫

♫ See him tonight? ♫

♫ Alright, alright! ♫

♫ It's been awhile since he's begged for attention ♫

♫ Are we okay? Heh, Can't really say ♫

♫ I'm getting by by avoiding his questions ♫

♫ So complicated, I hate when it's complicated ♫

♫ Why do I always end up in situations that are complicated? ♫

♫ Here I go again, getting in my head ♫

♫ So I'll focus on the sexy stuff instead ♫

♫ When I see him... ♫

♫ When I see him, I'm gonna do that thing he likes ♫

♫ I will change things... ♫

♫ No need to change things ♫

♫ I'll just bring the rope and spikes ♫

♫ Oh God! ♫

♫ We've got a nice arrangement ♫

♫ And it's working out just fine! ♫

♫ We'll keep it light! ♫

♫ I'll f*cking die alone if this goes bad ♫

♫ When I see him tonight ♫

♫ When I see him tonight ♫

♫ Am I doing something I can't take back? ♫

♫ Relax! ♫

♫ Would he want me if he was free? ♫

♫ We're fine! ♫

♫ And if he's only here as a prisoner ♫

♫ What kind of monster does that make me? ♫

♫ My entire life's been written in stone ♫

♫ We're gonna bone! ♫

♫ He taught me that I could choose ♫

♫ It's cool! ♫

♫ He deserves the choice to stay or go ♫

♫ Though it scares me to think what I'd lose. ♫

♫ Can't wait to lose ourselves in nasty sex ♫

♫ And make that bird squawk! ♫

[spank!]

♫ We really must converse ♫

♫ We'll just stick with what makes sense ♫

♫ Like him sucking my... ♫

♫ Gah! This is the worst! ♫

♫ Waiting for the shoe to drop ♫

♫ Who needs words when you've got a mouth full of... ♫

♫ Come to your senses! ♫

♫ Then I'll do that thing with my tongue where I... ♫

♫ He's worthy of your love and trust ♫

♫ I'll leave his bird puss nice and rough! ♫

♫ Tonight cannot come soon... ♫

♫ He'll be coming soon... ♫

♫ enough! ♫

♫ enough! ♫

Oh yeah!

♫ But when I see him ♫

♫ Will it be tender, or be tough? ♫

♫ Will it please him ♫

♫ Or will I just be f*cking it all up? ♫

♫ Can this be a relationship? ♫

♫ Or am I still naive? I'll set us free ♫

♫ Whatever it may be ♫

♫ When I see him... tonight ♫

[song ends]

My baby!

Someone save my baby!

[ducks quack]

[cars screech and honk]

Sure hope this glass doesn't break.

[glass shatters]

It broke!

[baby cries]

Oh, thank you! Thank you!

How could I ever repay you?

No need, ma'am.

I was just in the right place at the right time.

[gasps for breath]

Did you have to hug him so hard?

I'm at underwear level, you know

and that guy clearly hadn't showered today!

Oh, stop complaining.

I had to sell it, didn't I?

How'd we do, Cletus?

Not great. Let's set up for another run!

I don't know, Cletus.

Doesn't this all seem a little...

[whispers] sinful?

We've been over this!

We are still helping people.

We just provided that man with an opportunity to be selfless and heroic.

After that performance, he's sure to get into Heaven!

We just saved a soul!

Is... that how it works?

Don't you think eternal salvation is worth

bucks and a Queesno's punch card?

[angelic music briefly plays]

I... I guess... It's just...

[Cletus starts crying]

You wanna live long enough to save more souls and earn our way back into Heaven?

You wanna eat, don't you?

Of course! I just, uh...

Well, then quiet your incessant winching, and get back under that coat!

[smack!]

We have to-

Whoa! Ohhh....

[sound of electricity frying some cherubs to unconsciousness]

What? Where are we?

We ask the questions here, hellspawn.

But I'm just a little baby! Why would you -

Drop the bullshit!

We know you're working for that demon filth!

Where's your boss?

What boss?

This guy!

You know that... peanut head?

So that's his name...

You know, I think maybe we can help each other out here.

Hard sh**ting there, Mox, pro as usual!

Millie, beautiful bloody mess in there.

Mwah! What a great f*cking day this is!

You sure seem in good spirits today, sir.

It's rare to see you wear something... not bad.

Well, it's the... first of all, f*ck you.

It's the Full Moon, I got to meet up with Stolas tonight.

Felt like dressing up a little since it's been a few months since I've been inside of his feathered a*s.

A few months?!

Yeah, the bird started giving me more ways out of our monthly f*ck-sesh. He'd be all like:

[impersonating Stolas]: "Oh, Blitzy, I know it's the Full Moon tonight,

but you don't have to come if you don't want to, Blitzy."

so I've just been taking breaks from having to plow his feathered a*s into his fancy a*s mattress.

Ugh... TMI, sir.

Point being, tonight I feel like I could use a little f*ck.

[squish]

[squish]

[squish]

[squish]

[squish]

It's been a good day, feeling like my stamina's up.

And I'm horny.

Oh sh*t. He's getting bored of you.

What?

Yeah, man. If someone wants to see you less and less, big red flag.

If they give you chances to ditch, they probably want out themselves.

Just wanna be more passive aggressive about it.

Dicks.

[mocking noises]

How do you know... Loona?

[phone rings]

[from phone]: 'Cause I do that alllllll the time.

Well, t*ts.

Guess I finally gotta do Position tonight.

Don't worry, though this book ain't going nowhere if I have anything to f*ck about it.

I'll d*ck him so good, he'll let us keep this thing another year easy.

Well, I hope so, sir!

Well, I hope so, sir! Business has actually hit a peak, and it would be disastrous to lose what we worked for now.

So, f*ck him good, sir.

Don't worry, Mox. By the end of the night, I'll have Stolas eating out of my a*s.

... if the gag will let him! Eh? Eh?

[Blitzø laughs]

Stoooooop..!

Okay, grow up, Mox. That's what adults do, we're horny.

Fuuuuuck me, Moxxie, we've used, like, all the sh*t in this box.

[horse whinnies]

If Stolas is bored after this, I need to up the ante.

Moxxie, I need you to hold down the fort. Get some overdue paperwork done.

What overdue paperwork?

[THUD]

So why would a bunch of angels be looking for demons?

We just want to get back into...

We're exorcists!

The flaming swords of the Heavens here to strike them down with fiery vengeance.

Oh yeah! Yeah yeah! We lay in wait for them to return to Earth, so we might smite them once and for all!

What are you guys talking abou...

[kicks]

OWW!

Maybe you don't have to wait.

Come with us.

[elevator dings]

Since their as*ault on Compound X

our government has quadrupled our funding

and allowed us unfettered access to the most bleeding edge military advancements.

Demonic containment cells, Hellfire suppression suits, camouflage exoskeletons and a battalion of highly trained combat priests.

All so we could finally utilize... this.

What is it?

Our ticket to the other side.

[klaxon sounds]

An extra-dimensional portal generator.

This bad boy will allow us to open a door straight into Hell

[laser sounds]

[portal roars]

where we plan on eliminating the demonic threat before they can tarnish this great country!

Well uh, once we work out all the kinks, yeah.

Kinks?

So far we've only been able to open the portal about two feet in diameter.

Hardly big enough to fit a child through.

And we can't very well send children...

...Not after last time.

[playful children noises]

[screaming, slurping on children noises]

Those g*dd*mn American heroes.

Honestly, we're not even sure that was Hell we sent them to.

Point is, we could use someone or someones, with more experience.

How about it, little guys?

[Both agents together]: Wanna help us hunt some demon scum?

[Cletus and Keenie]: f*ck YEAH, HA HA!!!

[electronic noises]

[machinery noises]

[expl*si*n noises]

[jet pack noises]

[small yippy dog noises]

[pop]

[tracker beeps]

Welcome little one. What can I interest you in today?

I'm looking for a snazzy candle. One that screams sexy.

You got anything that will get anyone in the mood, buddy?

b*tch you're in the Lust ring!

Everything here has sexy energy.

But what kind of mood are you aiming for?

Just... horny?

Uh-reg- v-very- very horny. Max horny!

They're all horny! What's the mood?

I don't know! I'm a simple pervert imp.

I just need something f*ck.

[tracker beeps]

Ooooh! There he is!

Let's take him!

Hold on! Where's the rest of them?

He wasn't alone before.

I say we follow him for a bit, make sure he's by himself.

Cletus, if we don't do this, we're never getting back into Heaven!

Which is why we have to make sure this goes smoothly!

We have only one shot. It has to be perfect.

Do you know the measurements of the other one?

Uh, not really. But he's tall as sh*t.

Well, we have some pretty long harnesses.

Also can't go wrong with something that stretches.

Ooh, that is fancy. Alright, I'm into it.

Sweet heavens, what kind of store is this?

This guy truly is a SICKO!

Can I help you all?

[cherubs scream]

Hello, fellow vile hellbeast.

We are on a totally normal demon day.

Just out looking to get some good tormenting in.

We need some good tor...

[gagging sounds]

... t*rture supplies.

Well, you have come to the right place, my slyly robotic looking friend.

What kind of torturing are we looking to do?

Oh! You know, just your standard... pain.

As long as it doesn't hurt too much.

Like, do you have any harshly worded bumper stickers?

Uhhh...

Or something for a mild spanking?

Oh, that we have in spades!

We got your flops, your crops, your whips, your whisks

sudden, un-sudden, wooden, leather, titanium, brimstone -

What are you into?

I don't know if that's exactly what we're looking for.

What was that other horrid hellspawn looking at?

Oh, just some of those.

[expl*si*n]

Cletus, he's clearly on his way to claim another innocent earthly soul in some sick barbaric fashion!

We have to stop him!

Not yet! We have to wait...

...for our moment.

Y'know, thanks for doing me this solid, Fizz.

I gotta get the good sh*t for tonight

and I know you and Ozz make the best toys in town.

I got you, buddy.

We have some new prototypes that I think will get the job done for a fancy gentleman like yourself.

Now!

We have got these new beads, oooo!

They're made of real obsidian.

Oh, that's beautiful.

But y'know, Stolas never really seemed into the beads.

Alrighty, not into the beads, I get it. Fancier then.

We have some stylish blindfolds.

Our new collection has encrusted jewels.

Oh sh*t, those are niiice!

And if you're feeling really frisky...

We have the new Dragon Driller !™

Now with vibration!

[Fizz laughs maniacally]

[dragon... thing makes loud chainsaw noises][or maybe it's weed wacker noises?]

There we go, that's his speed!

I will take that!

Heavens, what is this place?

It's so heavily guarded.

A-Armory? w*r room?

Quiet! Don't you realize stealth is our greatest advantage here?

Oh darling, look, voyeurs!

Positively adorable, darling.

I think he's coming-

OH GOD! What's that?!

Dear... God...

He's going to use THAT? On an innocent person?!

We have to stop him now!

You're right. Okay guys, it's time. Now's our moment.

Remember everything that horny little fudgeknuckle did to us because now, we make him pay.

For the humans, for the heavens, and most of all for us!

LET'S GO KICK SOME a*s!

LET'S f*ck HIM UP!

W-What? How did you...

[Colin groans in pain]

Find 'ya? We were already following our dumbass boss to make sure he doesn't f*ck up and lose our meal ticket.

[g*nshots]

And you weren't exactly covert.

You got a lot of nerve coming to our neighborhood after the a*s kicking you took last time.

A lot of nerve, and a LOTTA upgrades, mutt!

[expl*si*n]

The boss! Get their BOSS!

No you don't, b*tch!

Hey, wake up as*h*le.

[expl*si*n]

[Luna growls]

[g*nf*re]

[Millie and Keenie grunt]

Sorry hun, you can play as me but that don't mean you're anywhere close...

[Millie grunts in pain]

[Millie screams]

Mox!

[thud]

Welcome to Hell, b*tch!

[Moxxie screams]

Wait... what in the...

[Cletus screams]

[Moxxie screams while being punched]

[Cletus screams]

[g*nf*re]

[thud]

[all screams here]

[expl*si*n]

[screaming continues]

[thud]

[splat]

[sounds of horny imps making out]

[cherubs moaning in pain]

Soooo... how'd it go?

[thud]

Hi-dee ha hoo ha, Stolas!

Guess what I got for us?

I got lots of fun sh*t for us to play with tonight!

Like this extra large candle that smells like...

[sniffs deeply]

Horny!

I got- I got whatever, uh, this little guy is.

[seductively]: But I'm sure there's some place in your cloaca we can stick it.

And look at this bad boy!

[chainsaw noises]

[Blitzø laughs happily]

Do you... [clears throat]

Do you have my book, Blitzø?

[chainsaw noises stop]

Yeah, uh... yeah, yeah i-it's right here

I always bring it. Why do you...

I need it back.

I need it back. Permanently.

[nervously]: N-N-Now hold on, Stolas. Come on.

Is this because i've taken up skipping a few roundswith you in bed because I'm busy?

That ain't fair - alright, I-I can still hold up my end of the bargain.

Alright? L-Let me show you a good time tonight.

You know I can...

Please don't... say it like that, Blitzø. I...

Come onnn, b*tch.

[seductively]: You know I don't disappoint...

No, no, no, no. There's no need.

I've made up my mind.

[panicked]: Stolas, please! I-I need this book, please!

I need this book, Stolas. I will do anything.

This is an Asmodean Crystal.

It's registered in your name.

[confused]: Uh, what?

Asmodeus has his demons legally travel to Earth to work all the time.

I made the case for you to own one.

You will be technically under his jurisdiction

but you will be able to go anywhere you want in the human realm without fear of consequence.

Without breaking demon law.

You no longer need my grimoire.

[unsure]: What?...

You...

no longer have any obligation to see me, to touch me

to bed me, you are...

[Stolas]: ... you are free of me.

[confused]: I... don't understand.

W-Why are you giving me this?

Am I not, like, f*cking you good enough? Because I-I can always...

[concerned]: I can always do better...

Blitzø, I'm giving you this because... I care...

very deeply for you.

And I have for some time.

But this transactional thing we have...

it's not right anymore. It hasn't been.

It never was. And now...

all I can see is how wrong it is to be so tethered to someone in such an unfair way...

and not know how they feel.

But, I want you to continue to be who you are.

Your business!

You don't have to stay here with me.

But... I want you to.

I want you to stay here with me because you want to.

Only if you want to.

Oooookay, alright, you're f*cking with me.

This is an interesting roleplay, never done this one but I can get into it.

Alright, how's this...

[dramatically]: "Oh, Stolas. I'll stay with you. I love you sooo much, I-"

Thank you, Blitzø.

For... awakening me...

For making me... so happy.

Even if only for a little while.

I wish you the best with your business.

Wait, what?

You were serious?

Oh-oh, hold on now, Stolas. What the f*ck?

I have my answer, Blitzø.

You needn't say anything.

I have wanted you for so long,

the fact that you couldn't believe that I might have these feelings about you...

that your first instinct is that it's always...

...about sex.

That's enough to know what this is.

What?!

f*ck you, Stolas!

You spring this feelings bullshit on me,are you f*cking kidding?

Can I get a f*cking minute

to think after everything you put me through

you pompous, rich as*h*le?!

Treat me like one of your little butler imps?

You can't just dismiss me like that.

I mean you royal f*ck think you can do this every time.

Like you can just play with our feelingsbecause we're smaller and not as IMPORTANT!

Well, I'm not letting you, b*tch!

[shouts angrily]: LET'S GO!!

[Stolas shuts down after Blitzo's outburst, and his lip quivers.]

Blitzø...

I think so very highly of you.

[voice cracks through tears]: I didn't realize you think so low of me.

Goodbye, Blitzø.

[Blitzo's eyes widen, realizing that Stolas' feelings were completely genuine.]

Stolas, wait! I'm s-

What...

What... the...

What... the... FUUUUUUUUCK?!

[silence]

[horse galloping]

[whip cracks]