05x10 - Dark Side of the Moon

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up, what's got
murr mixing mints with molars?

Tell him I thought
it was a breath mint.

Didn't know it was your tooth.

Why is sal asking such
titillating questions?

Do you prefer the natural look
or mondo gazungas?

And which losing joker
will be busting his butt

in tonight's punishment?

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr:
I want my mommy!

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Today we're going head to head
at food bazaar supermarket

playing a game we call
"pass this message."

To start, one of us
will be given a message

that he has to convince
a customer to deliver

to the other guy.

And then the other guy will have
to get that same customer

to deliver the message back,
and so on and so on and so on.

If you do not get that customer
to relay your message,

guess what.

You lose.

♪♪

Let the games begin, boys.

Sal: So, they're gonna be
volleying messages

back and forth
through a customer,

and when the customer gives up
and doesn't deliver our message,

that person loses.
That's right.

Can I help you with anything?

Rice, yes. Rice is...
See that gentleman right there?

Woman: Uh-huh.

Could you actually pass him
a message for me?

Huh?
'Cause I got yelled at
for talking to him.

Are you coming to my party
or what?

Could you ask him are you
coming to my party or what?

That guy will help you.
Thank you.

There it comes.

Uh... it depends,
is Cheryl coming?

Could you... could you
ask him and let him know

to see if Cheryl's coming?

'Cause Cheryl's
my ex-girlfriend,

and if she's at the party,
I can't go.

But I really want to
go to this party.

So, would you just ask him and
let me know if Cheryl's going?

'Cause then I can plan my night.

I get off in an hour.

Let's see if she delivers it.

Could you ask him for me?

Just let me know
if Cheryl coming?

Thanks.
But he's that way.

I don't know where you're going.

Okay.

She abandoned me, I think.

Oh, she came back!

Can you just let me know
what he says?

Ask him if Cheryl's
gonna be there for me?

Thank you, hon.
I appreciate it.

- She's bringing the message.
- She's coming back.

His ex?

Ohh.

She is, but I don't
want to tell him that.

Could you tell him...

Sal:

But he asked a question.

I know, but...

Just one more time.
One more time, please?

Please? Please? Please?

Because we get in trouble
if we talk to each other,

and I just want... I don't
want him to... I don't want...

Tell him Cheryl's
gonna be there,

but it's okay 'cause
she's dating Roger now,

so it'll be all right.

Murr:

Please, please.
Last... last time.

Last time.

- Ohh!
- Ohh!

Uh, she's dating Roger?

Oh. Tell him they're not
right for each other.

Bye.

"Bye."

Joe: There we go.

Ready to do what you do best...
Pass messages through strangers.

Joe, can you tell sal that
his spot is gonna be down there?

Can you tell murr not
to tell me where to go?

This is the way sal would
love to live his life.

Are you guys... are you guys
heading this way?

Can you do me a favor?

My buddy's working down there,

and we got in trouble last week
for talking to each other

on the job,

so can you do me a favor

and pass a message to him
real quick?

I thought it was a breath mint.
Didn't know it was your tooth.

Tell him I thought
it was a breath mint.

Didn't know it was your tooth.

Thank you so much.

Joe: Now it's up to them.

Let them figure out
how many back and forths

they can have starting there.

Do you need help?

Oh, sure, okay.

Oh. Yeah.

You can just tell him
Janice knows now,

so now it's a whole thing.

Joe: Here she comes.

Yeah, it's a big thing.

What?

It's a big thing?

Oh, Janice knows.

It's Janice's tooth.

Can you do me a favor?
Ask him... just one time.

Hey, happy birthday.

Ask him on a scale of 1 to 10,
how mad is she?

Come on, lady, don't come back,
don't come back.

Just one quick message.

On a scale of 1 to 10,
how mad is Janice?

Thank you so much.

Thank you so...
What's your name?

Sabrina, I'm James.
Thank you so much.

Yes.

- She's coming back.
- Oh.

8 1/2.

8 1/2?
Hold on one second.

- Ohh!
- Ohh!

As a woman, do you think
she's gonna be furious at me?

Ask him if I shouldn't go home.

Please, just... just ask him.

If I can't go home,
I got to figure out what to do.

Thank you so much.

- She's going back!
- She's going back!

Sal: Oh, my god.

I'd lay low.

He can stay at my place
if he wants, but I'd lay low.

She' pissed off.
It was the tooth.

I would say lay low.

Last one. Law low.
Tell him lay low.

She's coming back.

- Dude.
- Oh, my god.

Q: Wow.

Really?

Hold on one second.
Sabrina, Sabrina, Sabrina.

Joe:

I think I should do that.
Um, ask him if he...

'cause I'll pick up food.
I'll treat him.

Yes.
What do you want?

I'll go get the cake for you.

You find out if he is okay
with portofino's.

Murray's doing bribery.

I'm gonna go find it.

Thank you so much.
Appreciate it. Portofino's.

- Guess who's coming back, sal?
- Ohh!

She's not...
She's not coming back.

Joe:

Oh, yeah.
My cousin works there.

That's fine for me.

Okay.

The only thing about that is...

- Ohh!
- Uh-oh.

That's not the one
my cousin works at.

If we go to the one my cousin
works at, we'll get a discount.

He pulled her back in.
He pulled her back in.

Wow. He reeled her in.

Sal: Village Maria.
Also, just tell him one thing.

The tooth situation
is not going away.

Tell him.
She's going back!

She's going back!

Damn it.
She's coming back.

Okay, okay, okay.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Do me a favor.

Unbelievable!

I got the cake.
It's already paid for.

Okay? It's paid. It's free.
Is it?

But I need you to go ask him
another question for me.

Go ahead.

Is it his cousin Stacy or Tara?

'Cause I had a crush on Tara

and I want to know
before I go there.

Yes.

Oh, my god!

Wow!

This is unreal.

Listen, Tara will be there,

but I got to deal with
the tooth situation.

Tara is Janice's sister.

Ohh!

I didn't realize that Janice
and Tara are related.

I didn't know.

Just tell him
thanks for the help.

All right. Tell him to do
what he feels in his heart.

Tell him I said, "I will.
I'll let you know what happens."

Tell him I said this is why he
has so many restraining orders.

Yeah.

You're back.

Keep out of court?

Do me a favor.

Favor?

Tell him you're going home,

and I want you to just
leave right there.

Tell him the message
and just leave.

Joe: I cannot believe it.

Sal: Okay.

The exit's over there.

- Ohh!
- Ohh!

Sal: Right to his left
is the door.

Just call him a liar
and walk right out.

- Ohh!
- Oh, sal!

No. God. Come on.

Yeah, call him
an f'ing liar, yes.

Joe:

If she calls him a liar,

I'm gonna punch you in
the face. Get ready.

Aah!

Wow! Wow!

Happy birthday to your son.

Sabrina: Thank you.

Enjoy the cake.

Narrator: Q and murr couldn't
get their message across,

so they're first up
on the loser board.

Coming up, q gets racy.

In case you cannot tell
by q's outfit,

today we're playing
"beat reporters"

down in city hall park.

And we're trying to get people
to answer questions

about our news stories.

But the catch is
the questions we're asking

have been written
by the other guys.

If you don't have the guts
to ask the questions

on your pad, you lose!

Is that right, Jenna Jameson?

Not Jenna.

Jenna Jameson?

J. Jonah Jameson.

That's not Jenna.

You're a menace, wall crawler!

I like that we made this fake
pass have an expiration date.

I know. That's what
the best part is.

- It says expires January 1st.
- That's thoroughness.

So, on January 1st,
I'm no longer a reporter?

Excuse me, sir. We're looking
for a quote for our newspaper.

Do you have one second?

I could just ask your opinion.

If you don't like it,
we don't have to quote.

With G*ntrification
on the rise in the city

and some neighborhoods, uh...

where are poor a*s
like you supposed to go?

- He asked it!
- Ah! Wow!

All right.

You don't know where to go?

I'm looking for a quote
for the paper.

Would you mind
giving me a quote?

Oh, terrific. Terrific.

As a babe, how does
feminism affect you?

Sure. And you understand
that as a babe?

Yeah.

Okay.

So, breast augmentation has been
a controversy for years.

As a woman, do you prefer
the natural look

or, uh, mondo gazungas?

Sal, get her to say
the words "mondo gazungas,"

and you're done.

Okay. So, understand
you completely.

But on someone else then,
you don't mind the, uh...

Like, if they so choose, you
don't mind the mondo gazungas?

No.

So, they're entitled to the...?

They're entitled to the big
bazookas if they want it.

The big bazookas
or the mondo gazungas.

Yeah.

I like the natural look.

The natural.

As opposed to the...

The mondo gazungas.

This is going
right to the press.

Question for you.
I'm here with the press.

I'm just getting
a quote for the paper.

Do you have two seconds?

Okay.
Yeah?

Diabetes rates among adults
is up again this year.

Do you think a fat chooch
like me has ever seen

an ice cream cone
he didn't like?

Yeah, well, we all know
that I'm just a big, fat chooch.

Uh...

When people say I'm "fat as
," how big is a?

Yeah, but people say, "look at
that big, fat chooch."

If you had to put a number
on the big, fat

how many pounds?

300 pounds is a big, fat

that's great.

Tony gunk,
ace reporter on the beat.

Q, you actually do
look like a beat reporter.

I'm on the beat.
I'm on the beat!

Sir, would you like to answer
some questions for the paper?

Sweet.

Have you ever been so far

as to even pretend to even
want to go to do more like?

Have you ever been so far

as to even pretend to even
want to go do more like?

Hold on.

Have you ever been so far as to
even pretend... all right.

So, have you ever...

Have you ever been so far

as to even pretend to even
want to go do more like?

No.

Toxic ph levels have
been discovered

in the Gulf of Mexico, where we
import most of our shellfish.

But could I get scrimps?

Scrimps.

No more scrimps.

Okay. Um, do you... ooh.

Okay. Um, do you... ooh.

Do you think the removal
of... ohh.

Murr: Oh, he's getting...
He's rubbing you!

Ooh.

Do you think the removal
of confederate flag boxer shorts

would be a good way
to pick up black chicks?

Really?
No.

So how do I pick up
black chicks?

That's great.

You win, man.
Oh, you got it.

That's pretty good, man.

Hey, folks.

I'm a reporter with
th New York...

With th staten island gazelle.

Joe: He's with
th staten island gazelle.

"The gazette" implies
a newspaper.

The gazelle is a wild animal.

Oh, the gazelle.
Staten island gazelle.

Hey, bud.

I work for a newspaper
on staten island.

Do you mind if I ask you
a couple quick questions?

Thank you, man.
I really appreciate it.

Where do men get off?

You know, where do they get off?

You know, like,
where do men get off?

The next question.

Should there be more women
in the Bible?

There should be, right?

I mean, where do men
get off, right?

Only putting themselves in.

There should be more women
in the Bible.

Ego.

Okay, next question is this.

Recently, congress passed
a law allowing dog owners

to be penalized if they didn't
pick up after their pet.

As a...

Deadline's up. I got to
get to press right now.

Thank you so much.

Pleasure meeting you.

Thank you.
You helped me out so much.

Yeah, he helped us out, buddy.

Narrator: Extra, extra!
Read all about it.

Murr is tonight's big loser.

Well, well, well,
murr is our big loser.

Yes, he is. This is all
we're telling you about this.

Right now you're at
a conference center.

Yeah.

And when you go into the room

and they need a volunteer,
you're the volunteer.

That's all you're getting.

We're not telling you
anything else.

What kind of conference is this?

One where you raise your hand
and say, "I'll do it."

Listen, just take your
punishment like a man.

Like a man.
Is that a clue?

No.
No.
Aww.
No.

We're just trying to
tell you to man up.

Good afternoon, everybody.
I'm Dr. Frank contacessa.

How are you guys
all doing today?

Good.
Good.
Good.

I'm a doctor
of internal medicine.

I'm the guy you go to
for your yearly physical.

So, who's afraid
of a yearly physical?

A lot of people have
doctor fear.

Everybody's afraid to let
a doctor touch them sometimes.

Joe: Ohh.

And what's
the one part of the exam

that most guys hate the most?

Prostate.
Prostate.
Prostate.
Prostate.

Prostate exam, right?

Q: Oh, there it is.

So, I'll bring somebody up
and do a prostate exam.

Joe: He's put it together.

So, I'm gonna ask
for a volunteer.

A free prostate exam.
Who could turn that down?

Oh, no.

I know one person that
can't turn it down.

Anybody?

It's a punishment.
You get up and you do it!

Yeah. Fine.
Yeah, I'll do it.

We found our winner!
Come on down!

You're next up
on "the hole is right!"

Yeah!

Let's bring him up.

Come on, I got
a nice gown for you.

You can take off your jacket.

Leave everything else on.

Yeah, get comfortable, murr.

So, your arms go into here.

Murr: This is sad.

W-What exactly does this entail?

So, I'm gonna put
some gloves on.

I'm gonna put some jelly
on my finger.

I'm gonna have you bend over.

Joe: Look at this guy.
Look at this guy.

He doesn't want to watch.

Let me see your hands.

Oh, don't worry about that.

Wait a second.

Hold on a second.

Look at the size difference.

You'll feel them on entry.

That's it.
Here we go, buddy.

You're gonna take a deep breath.

This is crazy.

And just let it happen.

The harder you fight, the harder
it's gonna be for both of us.

- Murr, this is important.
- Don't right away.

You're gonna bend over
at the waist.

I know what to do.
Bend over at the waist.

I got it. I got it.
Okay.

Look at the whole crowd.
Turn right now.

Look, the whole crew cannot
wait for this to happen.

Everybody is watching
the cameras.

It looks like you're hovering
over, like, a NASA mission.

Everyone's just, like,
tense like, "oh, my god."

Well, we are going to
the dark side of the moon.

Okay. When I tell you to,

you're gonna take a deep breath,
all right?

And deep breath.

Mother

deep breath.
Deep breath. Okay.

- Aah! He's in!
- He's in! He's in!

Okay.

Q: Murray's
getting healthier!

Very good.

It looks like
he's sucking on a lemon.

Now, we check the right part,
the right lobe.

I'm gonna check to the left.

You have a finger in your a*s

I'm checking the middle.
You okay so far?

You have a finger in your
a*s on television!

Very good. All right.

There you go!

The good news is
everything is fine.

That was a perfectly
normal prostate.

We should mention it ain't over.

In medicine,
you can never be too sure,

so I always like to get
a second opinion.

So my colleague is here
just to make sure

that he has a normal prostate.

Who the are you?

One more time around the horn.

Look at him.
Murray's presenting.

Okay.

Here we go.

Don't move too much.

Right lobe.

You have another finger up
your a*s on television!

Look at the other doctor.

Almost done.

Okay.

Dr. Frank,
everything is in order.

Yes!

Yeah, Murray!

I'm relieved, murr.

I'm relieved that
you're safe and sound.

Take care, guys.