05x20 - The Chairman

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up...

What's got murr
tip-toeing around?

Will q kiss and tell?

And which losing joker
is in for a bumpy ride

in tonight's punishment?

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr:
I want my mommy!

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Today, we're at lot-less
doing some shopping.

And we've got to do and say
what the other guys tell us.

If you refuse any of that,
you lose...

And, to make things
a little more weird,

we're gonna do
the whole day barefoot.

Murr: There he is...
Fred flintstone.

Q: Yabba-dabba-don't.
You know what I'm saying?

Sal: So the thing today
is, like,

anything we normally do
is bad enough,

now add barefoot to the mix.

Joe: Right.

And everything becomes insane.

You're asking me?

I have no shoes on.

They're trying to throw me out.
I can't leave.

Duck your head into the endcap.

Just stay there like an ostrich.

- I'm not gonna leave.
- I'm not leaving.

I'm not leaving.

Is this guy taking a photo?

Joe: Keep tapping your feet.
Keep tapping your feet.

Smells good in there.

- Look at the look.
- That guy's recording.

He's got his phone
in his pocket.

Look.
He's recording you.

He thinks he's getting
one up on you.

Let me ask you something.

Do I look like
a straight-up dummy?

Yeah, like that, you do.

Ignore the feet.

I'm talking about
the camera in your pocket.

Yeah?
Well, let me see that.

What, are you recording?

- No, I'm not recording.
- You're not recording?

Busted!

I see your camera,
I raise you four.

That's our camera.

That's right there.

- Yeah! We win!
- See?

Hey, bud, drop all those
quarters I gave you.

That's why you gave me
these quarters?

Yeah.

Oh. Oh, man.

Oh, man. A little help.

Can I get some help?
A little help.

Q, get your foot
next to their hands.

There you go.
There you go.

There it is.
Step on their hands.

There it is.
There it is.

Thank you.

Outright step on her hands.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Thank you.
I got it.

Thank you.

Thank you.
Thank you so much.

Why don't you brag a little bit

about your nephew's credit card?

I'm sorry.
I'm just excited.

My nephew got a credit card.

He's crazy.
That's crazy.

He's got a $240 credit limit
on the credit card.

Yeah. His credit
score's like 750.

- That is great.
- Say what now?

Excuse me, what now?

My nephew got a credit card.

Oh, my nephew got a credit card.

Say to her, "what's that?"

What's that?

No, I'm just talking about
my nephew's credit card.

Oh, I thought you were asking
about my nephew's credit card.

Oh, yeah. My nephew
got a credit card.

Murr: Let me ask you something.
She got her own credit card?

Let me ask you something.

She got her own credit card?

Not yet?
Oh.

Hey, this little guy here.

This little guy here.

He circumcised?

Not. I'll just...
Just not. Bye now.

Thank y... bye.

Are those your jeans

that are actually sweatpants?

- Yeah. I wore the right ones.
- These are your give-up pants?

Yep.
They are my give-up pants.

Sal: His hoodie's
not on correctly.

You really look unhinged.

You look like you were
just the incredible bulk.

Hey, Joey.
Stand on one foot

in the middle of the aisle.

Let's see how long
until sweat beads form.

This is Joe's form of yoga.

How's the sweat, Joe?

Can we zoom in on his upper lip?

You're suffering so bad.

Q: You cleared
the aisle out.

Joe, just grab some luggage

and just wander
around the store.

Oh, you got the pet fountain.
Where'd you find that at?

Slowly notice your
bare foot and freak out.

Right. And you could just
leave it all week, right?

- Exactly.
- Because I had... holy cow.

I'm barefoot.

What the hell?

No, I'm barefoot.

How did that happen?

No, I had 'em on
when I went down aisle 13.

Joe. Excuse me, you're
standing in my spot.

Then move her out, bud.

I'm sorry,
you're standing in my spot.

Thank you.

Oh, my god.

Joe, hide in one of the aisles,

and when we say,
sh**t your foot out.

Now! Go!

Now! Go!

Now!

Murr:
Bring out your digits.

Sal: This is murr's
normal outfit, too.

He normally wears
this bow tie/vest combo,

but now he just
doesn't have shoes on.

Q: Yeah, you're probably
gonna look the most weird

out of all of us.

To put so much effort into
the rest of your outfit...

The vest, the jacket,
the stupid bow tie...

And then to skip your shoes.

Joe:
It's like he ran out of time.

He was late to go shopping.

It's very odd.
It's an odd miss.

Murr, anyone you want, ask them,

with complete sincerity,

if you could sleep
in their home tonight.

Um, how are you?

Could I... I don't...
Do you live in the city?

Could I sleep
at your place tonight?

No. You sure?

All right, thanks.
Thanks, man.

I appreciate it.

The turn-and-look!

Start crab walking.
Walk like a crab.

Swing right through.
Cut right through.

This is the beautiful thing
about New York City

is a barefoot,

crab-walking man
garners one glance.

Joe: Right near the bags,
there's a bowl of water.

Okay.

Put your hand in it,
so your hand's wet,

and just start shaking
people's hands.

- Like a moist handshake?
- Moist hand, yeah.

Joe:
Moist handshake is great.

You know where...
You know where the checkout is?

I can't find it.

I keep going this way.
Thank you so much.

I really appreciate it.
You're the best.

Thank you so much, by the way.

Oh, thank you.
I appreciate that.

Joe:
Run up to this woman.

Miss, miss, miss.
Just, one thing. One thing.

Check out this height I get.
Watch me jump.

Look at the height I get.

Do you accept Jesus
as your lord and savior?

Great. Also, do you accept
Jesus as your lord and savior?

You do.

Murr, when you say goodbye,
go in for a kiss.

Thank you.
You have a good day.

Sal: Murr, is there
a little endcap

that you could pop a squat on?

You want to take
a five-minute shopping break

and just bite your toenails
for a little bit?

Oh, my god. My feet...

Wait. Look at my feet.

Are you serious?

Just take the loss.

God. I-I never...

I've never bitten
my toenails in my life.

I don't believe that.

All right.

- Ugh!
- Oh!

Q: Dude, what is wrong
with you?

Just... just... just...

Seriously, what...

Ugh.

What is wrong with you?!

I got this cuticle
I can't get rid of.

Oh, god. Just a disgusting
human being.

I don't know how you
talked me into this.

Joe: This is a sal punishment
wrapped into the idea

of a challenge.

Zoom in on his flat feet.

- Oh, my goodness.
- No arch.

- What is this?
- Look at sal.

Joe: He's standing
on two water balloons.

That's his life.

This isn't make fun of my feet.

- Oh, my god.
- Run up to this woman.

"Where's my shoes?"
- Excuse me.

Where are my shoes?
Where are my shoes?

Mm.

She knows.

Say, "miss, where did you
get that purple shirt?"

Excuse me, miss.

Where did you find
that purple shirt?

Can I ask you
for some investment advice?

Can I ask you for
some investment advice?

I've recently come into
a moderate financial windfall.

You seem like
you're good with money,

and I just was wondering
if you could recommend...

Who do you work with
that handles your finances?

All right.

They say you usually
should get a recommendation.

- Yeah.
- "You can't help me?

Can't help?"
- You can't help on that?

"Could you put me
out of my misery?"

Could you help put me
out of my misery, then?

You're lovely.
Thank you very much.

Sal, the guy behind you.

Excuse me.

"What the hell
happened to you?"

What the hell happened to you?

I don't know.
You look out of sorts.

You lost seven pounds?

God bless. All right.
God bless.

Q: Sal, rush up
to this woman.

"What's the quickest way
to get a passport?"

What's the quickest way
to get a passport?

The quickest way
to get a passport.

The post office?
Is it the post office?

"Feets,
don't fail me now."

And then run out.

Feets, don't fail me now.

The whole aisle is dumbfounded.

Narrator:
Q couldn't toe the line,

so he's first up
on the loser board.

Oh, man. Today,
we'll be stopping strangers

and starting a conversation
with a single word.

Where's that word come from?

It's given to us
by the other fellas.

But... that word ain't
gonna make no sense

until we get
the explanation afterwards.

Bro, whoa, whoa.
If you can't say

the explanation, you lose.

- Excuse me.
- Ten-fold?

- Ten-fold?
- Ten-fold?

- Ten-fold.
- What does that mean?

My stomach has ten folds.

My stomach has ten folds.

- Really?
- When I sit, 'cause I'm fat.

- I have more than ten.
- You got more than ten?

Nice to meet you, twenty-fold.

Nice to meet you, twenty-fold.

- All right.
- Good to see you, bud.

Joey... a fairy.

- A fairy.
- A fairy?

That's what my wife
calls her affair.

Uh, that's what...

That's what my wife calls her...

Her affair.
- Oh, yeah?

Well, you know, his name's Todd.

He's a bartender.

Good job. One more word.
One more word.

Black.
- Black.

That's the kind of baby
she's having.

That's the kind of baby
she's having.

So, I'm guessing Todd is black.

Todd's black. Yeah.
You put it together.

Okay.

Yeah, having a fairy with Todd,
an interracial...

All right. Bye.

Excuse me.

- IPad?
- IPad.

I pad my bra, too.

Oh!

The new iPad's out.
You should pick one up.

- Oh!
- Oh!

- No!
- Wow.

Excuse me.

- Seven.
- Seven?

Uh...

That's how many fingers I wash.

That's how many fingers I wash.

Three, I just leave alone.

Thank you very much.

Oh, that was so awkward.

What, do I have
three filthy fingers?

Yeah, you have two
gross thumbs and a pinky

you don't want to talk about.

- Hi.
- Hi.

No, no.
I'm high on whippets right now.

No, no. I'm high.

I'm high on whippets.

Enjoy the ride.

Let me get a bite of them fries.

- This ain't the game, man.
- Sal, you're right.

That's not the game.
Ready? Fry?

Uh, fry?

Let me get a fry?

Let me get a fry.

Is he giving him a fry?

Thank you, man.

- Hey!
- You're very cool.

Wow. He got a fry.

Q: Wait a second.
Wait a second.

Did that guy put
his hands in the bag?

- Yep.
- Touched the fry and...

I didn't... I didn't bite
where he touched.

You just ate a whole fry.

- Oh!
- Oh!

- Watch me?
- Watch me.

Watch me eat this whole fry.

Watch me eat this whole fry.

Oh!

Is it too late for me
to take up karate?

You mean to start,
like, fresh?
Yeah.

I think you're
too late to start fresh.

To start back up again,
you're not too late.

It's, like, if you had to
learn to ride a bike right now,

you have no experience,
it'd be really hard.

I learned to ride a motorcycle,
like, a few years back.

Yeah, but you already knew
how to ride a bike,

so you knew balance.
- They're nothing the same.

I'll put the microphone
by his a*s

so he can talk out of it.

- Excuse me.
- Butter crabs.

- Um, butter crabs?
- The what?

I love everything
about her but her crabs.

I loved everything about her
but her crabs.

I guess...
You got to go.

Excuse me.

- For?
- Uh, for?

This kiss is for you.

Are you asking me
what time it is?

No, "for."
This...

This kiss is for you.

That's the reaction
most people have

when q tries to kiss them.

Excuse me.

- Bowfa?
- Bowfa?

Bowfa these middle fingers!

, so...

Ugh.

Are you a violent man,
or are you just...

Are you even-tempered?

Oh.

What happened was
I'm supposed to say "bowfa,"

and then you said,
"what?" As you did,

and then I'm supposed to say,

"bowfa of these middle fingers,"

but you don't look
like the type of man

that's gonna take kindly
to, like, two middle fingers

put in your face,
so I don't know.

What do you think?
Should I... should I go for it?

Don't go for it?
All right. You got it, buddy.

So, I lose.

This is not the challenge
I'm gonna lose.

All right.
I'm excited by this.

I will do an...
I will say anything.

This is just an opportunity
to make him

make himself
look like an a*s, right?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Excuse me, guys.

Software?

Software?

Yeah.
Software.

Yeah, I'm soft where it counts.

I'm soft where it counts.
I'm sorry for that.

That was really inappropriate.

Have a great day, guys.

Oh, god.

Wow.

- Excuse me.
- Better.

- Better?
- She could do better.

- Ooh.
- Oh.

Take care, guys.
Take care.

- Oh!
- Oh!

Not doing it.

What happened, buddy?
What happened?

That was a complete meltdown
of everything you said.

Come on!

Narrator: Joe, murr, and q
couldn't spit it out,

which makes q
tonight's big loser.

Well, q lost, so today,
this is happening.

Yeah!
Get out of my way, people!

Get out of my way!

It's a death chair.

We control everything.

- Here comes q.
- He looks like a lunatic.

Joe: So, q is now
in a death chair.

We control the chair itself.

- The megaphone.
- The leaf blower.

And the confetti Cannon.

Basically, just think
about the jazzy amplified.

Yeah, but this is a punishment,

so q can't turn anything off.

This is so stupid.

The chair's too slow.

Watch. Watch.
There he goes.

Oh, my god.
He's going so fast.

- I got him now.
- Guys, slow it down.

Hang on, q.
Run right through him.

Run right into him.
- Get out of my way.

Get out of my way.
Get out of my way.

This is my favorite spot
in the park.

Ooh, ooh, whoo.
Oh, hey, uh...

Oh, hello.

Oh...

What you reading?

Hit the leaf blower.

Peace out.

Call me.

Hey, you guys
celebrating something?

I love celebrations.
What are you guys celebrating?

I love life!

To celebrations!

Murr: The chair's stuck!
The chair's...

A little help.
Ugh.

Oh, thank you.
Oh, thank you.

Eat my dust, suckers.

I'm a tornado.
I'm a tornado.

I'm a silly little tornado.

Let's go!
Out of the park!

It's my park!

I'm the big boss!

I'm a nasty boy
and a big boss man!

Hear me now!
I'm the number-one nasty boy.

Hear me now, now.
Hop on, boys. Hop on.

Hop on, fellas.
Fellas, hop on.

Hop on, boys.
Fellas.

Boys. Fellas.

Guys. Boys.

Party!

Yeah, you, big red.

I'm a skank sandwich,
you want a bite?

Did you order
the skank sandwich?

Who ordered the skank sandwich?
You want a bite?

Everybody watch
how powerful my chair is.

I'm gonna take down
this barricade in three,

two, one.

- Go, go.
- Wait.

Wait. Wait. Wait.

Drop the Mike.
I'm out.

Ugh!

Get me out of this chair.