06x21 - Silence of the Lame

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up,
why is Joe getting frisky?

These are sexy beasts.

What's got murr
dishing out the insults?

You look like a slutty carrot.

And which losing joker
will be under fire

in tonight's
silent-but-deadly punishment?

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr: I want my mommy!

Sal: I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Today, we are focus plus
competing head-to-head

as toy designers
asking the group,

"who has the better toys?"

Except our toys are
completely ridiculous

and have been designed
by the other guys.

At the end, we will ask
the group by show of hands

who amongst us is
the better toy designer.

If the people don't
pick you, you lose.

♪♪

Q, I don't know
how you did this, but...

It's heavy back here.

Yeah.

I'm surprised you
didn't dye it, though.

There's a little bit
of grey there.

Well, I'm not gonna deny
the aging process.

I don't even like working out
or getting my body in shape.

Let's just age.

- Correct.
- Yeah.

- Welcome. Welcome.
- Hello. Pleasure.

So, Joe made Murray's toy,
Murray made Joe's toy?

Correct.

What we do is we

test out new products

that we're thinking of bringing

to market for children.

- Okay. Here we go, Joe.
- So, this is mine here.

This...

These are sexy beasts.

I got the idea because my
daughter put my wife's lingerie

on her stuffies.
And then, you know,

there's something
for the ladies too,

'cause you could just
have a raccoon with abs.

So obviously,
the walrus has huge jugs.

And the kangaroo is more
of a leg-and-back situation.

Are these marketed
towards adults?

This is for children,
bought by adults.

No.

Sorry?

No.

You gotta think...
It's 2-k-17 now.

You have to jump
off the shelves,

and that's what we're trying
to do here with sexy beasts.

This is a lawsuit, dude.

You think this is a lawsuit?

Why don't you show them the
commercial for sexy beasts?

Oh. Yeah. I can't wait
till you see this one.

What?

♪♪

Woman:
Babe-a-roo.

Hard-bodied raccoon.

Mother coconuts.

Hot toys.

- Oy.
- What is the...?

How does this happen?

Mother coconuts?

A for effort, but
this is a terrible idea.

A for effort,
but terrible idea. Okay.

Okay, so... My item...

Let's take a look
at what this is.

Right here.
Aha!

This is...

It's a pregnant belly
for children.

It's for future
single moms, okay?

Q: Nice one, Joey.

Oh, okay.
Oh, there it is.

Now, this is a prototype.
Okay.

Uhh... so what this is is it...
It's for little girls

that are going to be future
single moms one day.

My daughter, for example,

she loves to play
single-mom-with-one-on-the-way.

Now she can let her
imagination run wild

and actually experience
what it's like to...

To be with child
for nine months.

We did go Caucasian
with the bump, but...

But it could be, obviously...

He points to the black guy.

- Well, show them the commercial.
- Uh, so we have a commercial.

Yeah.

♪♪

- There. Pregnancy belly.
- That's it?

Yeah, that's it.

You want to walk arou...
See seven-year-old

pregnant girls, really?

Seriously, how do you see
that on Christmas day?

Yeah, that's a good point.
No, he's got a point there.

It's machine-washable.
And it's got velcro.

Uh, if we had to take
one of these two to market,

who would say to bring the, uh,

pregnant belly
for kids to market,

by show of hands?

Who thinks we should
choose sexy beasts?

Hands up.

- Ohh!
- Ohhh! Blowout.

Yeah, yeah.
That's a closeout.

Son of a...

- How are you today?
- Hello. How are you?

- Here we go.
- We develop toys.

And we're deciding which one
we might move forward

in developing
and going to market with.

All right, sal.
What's your toy?

Uh, I'll help you.
I'll pull it out for you.

Q has designed this toy for sal.

This is really exciting.
This is next level, guys.

- Let me see.
- Oh yeah.

You really outdid yourself.

Oh, wow.
Oh, wow!

- Okay. Oh, wow.
- Boom.

Murr:
It's a toilet with g*ns on it.

We call this toilet soldiers.

And this can make
any standard-sized toilet

into a whole entire
military base.

You want children
to play with a toilet.

Sal:
It actually is ergonomically
the perfect battle station.

♪♪

There you go.

This is... If the kid
is also on the toilet,

"I'm in here.
Don't come in!" Boom!

Shoots the g*n at the door,
like kinda thing.

So it's combining privacy...

It's making it more
masculine, more fun.

What happens if the boy
takes the g.I. Joe,

pretends he goes up the ladder,

sticks his hand in the dirty
toilet water and does all that?

- Ooh.
- Okay so, we... I...

I envision
that the child would play

before the making.

But that's not how
it's always gonna happen.

Kids do whatever they want.

I will tell you.
We showed this to children,

and their eyes lit up.

That's fine. But you got
to think about the dirty water.

Joe: This guy is all over sal.

You still got the,
uh, the ladder?

- Yes.
- Okay. So they're gonna

bring in their own soldier
and climb the ladder

and, "oh, let's see
if he can swim."

The ladder opens up
and, guess what?

"Look, there's water. He could
go swimming in the water."

Okay. So the ladder...

I would remove the ladder.

I'll move... move...
Move... the ladder!

You know what? Why don't you
show them the commercial?

Yeah, let's see the commercial.

Got...
I got a commercial, huh?

Yes.
Okay. Here we go.

♪ Da-da-da da-da-da

♪ toilet soldiers!

♪ Da-da-da da-da-da
♪ toilet soldiers!

♪ Toilet soldiiieeeerrrs
♪ toilet soldiers!

- See? See?
- See?

- Ohh!
- Oh, no!

- No!
- Oh, no!

- Oh, my god!
- Oh, no!

- They're playing in the toilet.
- That's not good!

They're flushing
the guys down the toilet.

Sal.
He knows he has no shot!

- Survey says, "ennnnh!".
- Survey says "enh." Okay.

- Well, you haven't seen his yet.
- Can't wait.

Okay.
Yes. I love this one.

Okay. I think you guys
are gonna like this, too.

So, sal designed this for q.

Joe: Yes.

This is the, uh,
sister tracker spy kit.

All right? Everybody
knows, uh, you know,

rivalry between
brother and sister.

It's worldwide. We want to
give the edge to the boys.

And in doing so,
we want to be able to track

their sister at all times.

♪♪

Hey...
Toilet's not so bad, huh?

This little g*n...

You can be able to hear
anything your sister says.

Oh, is sister in the pool
with her friends?

Well, let me just see
what's going on there.

You weirdo!

You're making it creepier
than you have to!

You have a jingle.

Uh, we... we did, like,
a little marketing jingle.

Yes, we did.

So this is the jingle,

just to bring it all home.

♪ What is she doing?
♪ Sister tracker

♪ where is she going?
♪ Sister tracker

♪ what's she wearing?
♪ Sister tracker

♪ who's she kissing?
♪ Sister tracker

♪ sister in the shower
♪ where's your sister?

♪ Sister in the bedroom
♪ where's your sister?

♪ She's a good girl
♪ sister tracker

♪ should've had boys ♪ yeah

- are you serious?
- Ha-ha!

How would you feel
if that was your sister?

No, no. I created this
with my sister in mind.

Based on everything
you saw here today,

who thinks I have
the better idea?

And who thinks Brian
had the better toy?

Yeah, but if something bad
happens to your sister,

who's the hero
that's tracking her down?

- Sal loses!
- That's it!

Narrator: Sal and murr's toys
got sent back to the workshop,

so they're first up
on the loser board.

Today, we're
approaching strangers,

trying to get approval on an
important e-mail we're writing.

The catch is, the other
guys have written

this ridiculous e-mail for us,
and we don't get to see it

until the moment
we open it to read it.

If they don't agree that
that e-mail is ready

to send as is, you lose.

Put that in your ea...

You messed up your one...
He messed up his one line.

One line!

♪♪

Murr: This is amazing.
This is the best location
we've ever filmed at.

Joe: It's an indoor park.
Yeah.

It's cool, air-conditioned.

Unbelievable.

What's... what is this?

It's a mixture of banana, mango,
pineapple juice.

Ohhh.

There's free...
This guy walks around

and gives you free smoothies.

Free smoothies.
Free smoothie samples.

Sal: Get the
out of here.

Pete, we're filming here
all the time.

Oh, my god!
There's hair in my...

From q's hair!

It's about time.

Look at this!
It's in my lo mein!

- Here we go.
- Here we go.

Excuse me.

Can I ask your opinion
on something real quick?

Thanks. I'm just trying
to send this e-mail.

I don't if it's good to go.

Before I hit send,
I just wanted to get

another person's opinion.

Here we go.

It's to, uh, step-daughter's
principal.

Uh-hah.

"Thanks again for meeting
with me and my step-daughter.

We both learned a lot
about what is and isn't
allowed in schools today.

I hope the 'Asian-American'
student in Alex's class"...

That's my step-daughter...
"returns soon.

I know that in our day,
it would've been okay to say

what Alex said, but the times
they are a-changin'.

Growing up, I'd often
get called a shylock,

and I'm not even
a 'Jewish.'

thanks again for time,
and stay 'black'."

Yeah, he's black.

"I have no idea
what to say to you."

Well, what's the PC
way to say that?

So not ready to send as-is?

- Ahh!
- All right! Loser!

You can't say anything.
All right.

Q: Look at him.
Where you lookin', Joe?

Where you lookin'?
- Look at your face!

Let me ask you something.
I'm about to send this e-mail.

I just wanted your opinion, too.
You seem like a smart guy.

It says, "aunt June...

I'm sorry but you
can't baby-sit anymore.

We hid a camera
in the Teddy bear's eye.

We say you eat the crayons.

How could you blame it
on the dog?

We had to put her
down for that."

Why did you put down
the dog for eating crayons?

In hindsight, it might've
been way too much

of a punishment for the dog.

Yeah.

Do you think this spells out
everything correctly?

Oh, no. She's got
her wits about her.

Yeah. She's fine.
She's... yeah, yeah.

But she enjoys a good crayon.

"Okay."

So I want her to know
the whole scope.

Do you think that
everything is...

- Everything's covered?
- "It sounds fine."

There you go!

Probably shouldn't
have put the dog down.

Very good!

You know what? Let me
ask you... excuse me.

Do you have one second?

Yeah.

Here we go.

I'm writing an e-mail.
I'm about to hit send.

And I just want to run it by
one other person

before I send it, 'cause it's
like, if the tone is right.

And I just want to run it by
one other person -"d.

I'm so freaking good
at karate now,

and it's not even funny.

But you still laugh at me
when I show you

my karate moves, so I'm done.

I'm done. I want a divorce,
and I want the kids.

Challenge me...

And you'll discover
just how good I am

at doing karate
to people."

Doing karate to people.

Yeah, but just to scare her.

For six years,
I've been taking karate.

Taekwondo.

I was a p... purple.

Six.

Are you a martial artist?
You...

Q: Ohh!

You practice martial arts?

- Yeah.
- What are the odds of that?

So then you know
that six years...

It's not possible?

He's laughing in your face.

What belt are you?

Dark blue? Where is...
Where, um...

Yeah, I know what
you're talking about.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, right.

Sal...

Can I... can I send the e-mail?

Do you think that's fine?

You wouldn't send it.

I knew that.

He corrected his bow!

- He didn't give the bow right!
- He can't even bow!

- What's up?
- What's up? How you doin'?

Good. How are you?
Do you work here?

Oh, sweet.
What do you do?

- Murray's in.
- Oh, cool.

Yeah, I live, like,
three blocks away.

Murr's really looking
to make a friend.

It's just an internship
for the summer, so...

Oh, cool. What's, uh...
What kind of company?

See if he wants to go
to "Aladdin" tonight.

Everybody else on the crew
was a hard pass.

Murray's ordering tickets
for "Aladdin" tonight,

to go see the Broadway play,
and he just sourced everybody,

got a big fat goose egg.

"Does anyone of our crew of 60
want to go with me

to a Broadway play?"

"I'll pay.
No?"

Do you mind if I run...
I'm writing an e-mail.

Do you mind if I run it by you,
to see if it's the right tone?

- Go for it.
- Okay.

I wrote, you know, "Darlene,
you are my wife and I love you.

But come on with the spray tans.

You look like a slutty carrot"?

So, what do you think?
Is that, uh...

What's the point
of that message?

Stop the spray tans!

What if you
started with, "dar..."

wait, why can't you
just tell her in person?

Because then we
wouldn't have a game.

You know, something like this
is better just electronically.

I don't have to deal with...

To your wife?

Yeah!

This guy's awesome!

Can I help you reword it
a little bit?

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

- Unprompted!
- I love...

- This is the greatest...
- I love him.

Human on the planet.

He's typing.
He's straight-up typing.

Which line are you working
the slutty carrot into?

Um...

Does it have to be
specifically slutty carrot?

Is that what you're
really going for?

- Okay. Here we go. Here we go.
- Here we go, here we go.

- Here it is.
- "Darlene, you know I love you

more than anyone else."
Good beginning.

"I wanted the real you.
Keep the carrots for dinner.

You look like a deluxe
oompa loompa.

Xoxo, James."

Very good.

- Wow!
- Wow!

He changed it.
That's a loss.

Thank you, man.
I appreciate it.

Hey, good luck.

Have you seen "Aladdin?"
On Broadway?

No.

Do you want to go?
I mean, if you want to
go, just let me know.

Oh, my god. He has to come to
"Aladdin" tonight. For real.

He's gotta go, dude.
We'll send a camera.

Murr, if this guy goes
to "Aladdin" with you,

you can have the win.

Do y... would you seriously go?

7:00?

All right.

- Oh, I love him!
- This is unbelievable!

He found someone
to go to "Aladdin"!

You're going to "Aladdin"?

I'm free... I had a haircut,

but I'll reschedule for
a free "Aladdin" show.

Sal: Free "Aladdin"?
"I had a haircut,
but I'd cancel it"!

"I had a haircut,
but I can cancel it."

Yeah. I'll... I'll
comb it for tonight.

♪♪

If he doesn't show...

Oh, hey!
You weren't kidding
about the haircut, man.

Dude, the guy just
took it all off.

So, let's go inside.
This is gonna be awesome.

One thing I wanted to mention...

You guys should also
check out the TV show

"impractical jokers."

"Impra..." what's it about?

You never heard
of "impractical jokers"?

No! Why?
Is that a popular show?

♪♪

Narrator: Q and sal's e-mails
got stuck in the outbox,

which makes sal
tonight's big loser.

All right!
Sal is our big loser!

We've brought him to
the willowbrook mall
for his punishment.

Buddy, we want you to
go down to the food court

and then await
further instructions.

That's how it's gonna be?
We're not gonna reveal any info?

Await further instructions.
Always with the...

You're not gonna tell me
what I got to do right now?

- No!
- No.

Just, shh.
There's gonna be
a big twist-a-roo?

No, watch this.
Ready? Swipe.

♪♪

There he is.
King of the food court.

Q: No, he hates food courts.
Sal is not a food-court fan.

You ready for what
you have to do?

- Can I guess?
- Sure. Take a guess.

There is a person here,
I have to find out who they are,

and I have to go
through everybody.

What is this, season 2?

I'm gonna put you on
with the wig master general.

Murr: Sal, you see how
there's all these people

talking in the food court?

Yeah...

So, we want you to shush people.

Q: One on one, go up to people
and ask them to...

Individual shushing is
what we're looking for.

Let's just bring it down.

Oh, boy. All right.

Ohh.

Oh, they're talkin'.

You son of a b*tch.

Ready? In 3, 2, 1...

Shush!

Ohh...

You just sh**t a blank?
Come on.

Shhhh!

They're doing their best
to ignore him!

I say you hit 'er again.

Please, guys, guys, guys...

Okay.
Ready, sal?

You guys.

3, 2, 1...

Shhhh!

Oh! Oh!

- Am I done?
- No!

No!

Q: There's about 100 more people
in this food court.

No!

In front of you are a bunch
of construction workers.

Joe: Sending him in
for the shush.

I'm not gonna lie, buddy,
I straight up

want to see you get k*lled.

All: 4, 3, 2, 1...

Shh!

- Ohh-h*-h*!
- One more... shush!

Shh.

I'm out of here.
I'm leaving real fast.

And he's gonna... the slight jog
down the steps, and he's out!

This is harder than
anything I've done.

Sal's not being rude.

They're being rude
being so loud!

Yes. So sal is doing
a service.

♪♪

She's talkin'!
She's talkin'!

Here we go.

I would love it if you shushed.

Ohh-h*!

I would love it
if you shhh... shushed.

Her husband, too.

Well, both of you.

If you sh... if you shhh.

- Uh...
- 'Cause I said so.

'Cause I said.

Here we go! There it is!
There's the table!

Q: Sal, you remember in, um,
"pee-wee's big adventure"

where he's like, "I'm trying
to use the phoooone!"

Gimme that.

I'm trying to use the phone!

Shh.

Ohh.

- Ohh.
- Ahh!

Can I please leave?

One more. One more.
Shush!

Phone! Shush!

You can get up.
Walk away.

Sal, I'm gonna want you
to do a drive-by...

"phone, phone, shush, shush,"
and just keep going.

Shh. Shh.
Phone. Phone.

Sal, you know, that's a pretty
good impersonation, buddy.

Joe: It's not bad.

Sal, what about this
girl right in front of
you on the cell phone?

- Yeah. Good luck.
- Be aggressive.

Get her! Get her!

He's comin' in hot
for the shush.

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

He's hiding.

Murr: "Mind your
own business"! Ahh!

Oh, look! Look!

Uh-oh!

- Wow!
- Ohh!

- Good luck with that.
- Oh, wow!

I gotta... I gotta...
I gotta... ow!

Sal, why you going in there?!

He ran into the door!

He had to get out!

I'm not doing any more.
I'm done now.

That's it. I'm not gonna
do it anymore.

Q: All right, you're done!
You're done!

♪♪

Welcome to
"impractical insider."

Sal just got served
in the food court,

having to tell people shh
while they're eating.

Sal...

How do you feel?

Shh! We're gonna show you
behind the scenes right now.

Pete: Punishments
like today can be

the most cringe-worthy
that we do.

Yeah.
It's just... you feel...

It's painful watching.

Or like, something as simple
as q crossing out the kid's...

- Yeah, yeah.
- Art project.

- Oh, no!
- My life is horrible.

- 3, 2, 1...
- All right!

Sal is our big loser!

There's gonna be a big
twist-a-roo?

Watch this.
Ready? Swipe.

Good. All right, cut.
Good work, guys.

- Cut.
- So, it's very hot

out right now.

That was probably
the quickest intro

in "impractical jokers" history.

They did not want to stand
out here, and I don't either.

Why am I wearing
this sweatshirt?

Joe: Individual shushing
is what we're looking for.

'Cause it's way too loud
down there, buddy.

Let's just bring it down.

Ohh, boy. All right.

There he is! Sending him
in for the shush.

I was just...
I was just passing by.

I wanted to say, shhh.

- Oh.
- Shh.

Sal, kinda whisper under
your breath, "still talkin'."

Still talkin'.
Still talkin'.

They took it great.
They also have life experience.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- They're good sports.

What do you think, guys?
I almost done?

- No!
- No!

I have one thing
to say to that...

Shhh!

Okay, and, we're gonna
shush in...

All: 3, 2, 1...

Shh!

Q: Oh!

I can't stay here.

I'll let you escape
from this moment

if you turn to them and go...

♪ da-da-da-da-da da,
shh! ♪

And run away.

- You ready?
- No.

It's so stupid.

3, 2, 1...

♪ bee-dah-bop buh-do bop,
shush! ♪

The slight jog down
the steps, and he's out!

- He's movin'!
- Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

- Oh, my god!
- Uh-oh!

"Mind you own business"!
Ohhh!

Q: Wow!

That's why this is a punishment.

Wow.

The toughest things to do
are the most simple.

Like give an old woman
the middle finger?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

This is breaking
social convention...

Mm-hmm.

Ohh.

Joe:
You just sh**t a blank?

Come on.
I think people are

calling you the cringe king.

Don't get that started.
No one's calling me that.

Everyone's calling...
#cringeking.

What are you doing?
What are you, looking to...

Why are you branding me
the cringe king?

Growing up, I hated cantaloupe
and honeydew melon.

Now I think it's
like god's gift to us.

You're an... you sound
like an a*s

- why?
- No one likes cantaloupe.

That's the cheap
they throw on...

Cantaloupe's the filler...
To get around the pineapple

and the grapes
and the strawberries.

If you never knew what the price
point was of any fruit

and you just blind
taste-tested them,

this would still
come out on top.

When 50% of it's that
and nobody eats it.

The cherry's an underused fruit.

Cherries are the best.

I'll go on record saying it...

I don't give a
what you think, Cole.

- You don't like a cherry?
- They're bad.

I wonder if bananas had a pit,
would people eat them as much.

♪♪

♪♪

Go yourself, al.
I'm hungry.