07x18 - Chick Magnet

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up, what's got
murr being such a charmer?

If you tame a cobra,
the meatball's on us.

Why is q getting carried away?

Ah!

Narrator:
And which losing joker

is in for
a good old-fashioned clucking...

in tonight's punishment?

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr:
I want my mommy!

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Murr:
Hey, one-ball Barry.

♪

Today, we're working
at the meatball shop

in hell's kitchen.

The goal is to convince
a customer to come check out

a weird thing that's happening
in the basement,

which has been told to us
by the other guys.

If you cannot get that customer

to follow you
to the basement, you lose.

I would also like to add...

♪

- Joey...
- What is this?

Is that a doughnut ice
cream sandwich?

What's that?

It's a glazed doughnut
with gummy bears, Froot Loops.

Somebody just brought
your wet dream back here.

Ice cream.
Ice cream in the middle
and, like, gummy bears.

Joe, Joe, Joe.

Yeah, I'll take the thumbs-down.

All right, here I go, boys.
Ready?

All right, Joey.

- Did you guys order yet?
- Yes.

- Yeah.
- Oh, you did order. Okay, good.

And have you been here before?

Saw on Instagram about the...

- The basement?
- What?

You didn't see
about the basement?

No.

Oh, "what's happening
in the basement?"
Ah!

So you didn't see anything
about the basement on Instagram?

Okay. 'Cause we do this thing
in the basement.

"An Egyptian guy will make
a mold of your face for a buck."

They do, like, different...
They do, like, different things,

and today, there's
an Egyptian dude down there

that'll make
a mold of your face for a buck.

What?!
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I know.

But they don't put that... they
don't put that on Instagram.

- That's so cool.
- Isn't that cool?

Did you order already?

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah, we already did.

- All right, come on.
- Okay.

Oh, come on!

You have your bucks out?
Yeah, you have a buck out?

Do you have a buck
or no?
Yes.

Yeah, you have a buck out.
Good.

"Pull the buck out."
"Get your bucks out.

You got to
have your bucks out."

I got three.

You guys were prepared
to be cleared

to have a face mold
for a dollar, right?

All right, well,
I'll take the dollar.

- Yay.
- Oh, yeah.

♪

Everything okay, guys?

Is it me, or does sal look
like the type of guy

that would own and work
in a meatball shop?

- Right?
- He looks like a meatball.

That's it.

Everything okay, guys?

Have you been
to our location before?

Okay, I hope you're enjoying it.

Have you...

"Checked out the basement?"

Have you ever been
to our basement?

No.

- You never have?
- No.

Oh, wow.
What's down there?

"There's a frosted koala."

We're about to defrost
a koala down there.

Yeah.

It's... it's crazy, I know.

If you want to check it out,

it's in the basement
right there.

I could show it to you.

Just don't tell anybody.

Come on.
I'll show you real quick.

Ah, yeah, I know
it's what you want to see

because it's a real
New York story.

Two seconds.

No, when are you gonna see
a frosted koala?

"It looks so cute when
it regains consciousness."

Yeah, it's so cute...

when it regains consciousness.

All right,
but you guys do, right?

But I just want to make sure
you understand

we're defrosting a g*dd*mn koala
down there right now.

Dude, that was unbelievable.

They just...
They just defrosted the koala.

Dude, thank you
for showing me that, man.

What a great New York story.

I tried to...

I tried to tell people about it,

but some people just don't know

how to live their lives,
I guess.

Joe: All right, murr,
here we go.

How's the food, sir?
Good?

Yeah?
Have you been here before?

Oh, you have?

"You ever been
to the basement?"

You ever been to the, uh...

to the basement?

You got to.

One second.

One second.

It's the craziest thing
down there.

It's the craziest thing
down there.

"The meatball shop
cobra farm."

They have a...

They have a meatball shop
cobra farm down there.

A whole farm...
They have a pen of them.

"If you tame a cobra,
the meatball's on us."

If you tame...

If you tame a cobra,
the meatball's on us.

Take a look. Come here.
No, no, no, come here.

No, no, you got to check it out.
Dude, you have to.

I mean, if someone says
you get a free meatball

if you can tame a cobra,
you've got to check this out.

It's the craziest thing.
It's a whole cobra...

It looks like Murray's on speed.

There's dozens of cobra.

No, no, no, no,
this is the time.

I'm offering you a chance to see
a whole farm of cobra.

Come on. Let's go.
Come on.

You not gonna look
at a cobra farm?

Now, when you try to tame
a cobra, stare it in the eyes.

Don't lose eye contact, right?

You lose eye contact,
that's when they strike.

Don't look them in the eye.

Here are the cobra,
right in here.

Welcome to the basement!

♪

- All right, q.
- You guys all right?

You guys got your order in?

Okay.
Did... who's your waiter?

Do you know who the waiter is?

Waitress?
Oh, over there.

Oh, okay, so, did she...

Did she tell you guys about,
uh, the basement?

The ba... did she tell you
about the basement?

"We have this dog hooked up
to a lie detector."

'Cause downstairs
in the basement...

We can take you down there...

We have a dog hooked up
to a lie detector...

Um, and it's unbelievable.

- I'm gonna get them back.
- Okay.

- Yeah?
- Hold on. Let me get them back.

The meatballs
are on the way, guys.

Dude, the dog was lying!

I told you.
I told you.

It's so cool.
It's the coolest thing ever.

People think it only works
on humans... it works on dogs.

He hasn't told the truth
since we went down there.

No, he's a bad dog.
He's a bad dog.

- It's a real New York story.
- Yeah.

Narrator:
Q and sal couldn't get to
the bottom of this challenge,

so they are first up
on the loser board.

Today, we're at fairway market,

trying to convince shoppers
to call out the nickname

of our "friend" down
on the other end of the aisle.

The catch is the nickname
will be something ridiculous

you'd never want to say.

If you can't get them

to yell out that awkward name
across the store, you lose.

Cheesy crotch!
That you?

- Hey!
- Hey!

Hey, cheesy crotch!
You didn't call me!

♪

Joe: For this turn, we pulled in
our friend Christine,

who works for the show...

Christine?
Hey.

But that's not gonna be
her name right now.

No.

- Excuse me.
- Yes?

Is there still
a girl down there?

White tank top?
That's my friend, Christine.

I'm waiting for her
to come up and surprise,

but I keep... every time I look,
she almost sees me.

Do me a favor.

Yell her nickname,

and then, when she looks over,
I'll jump out.

"Beef bottoms."

Beef bottoms.

Yeah, just really loud,

and then I'll leap out
and, like, surprise her.

- Beef bottoms?
- Beef bottoms.

- He's gonna do it!
- He's gonna do it!

Beef bottom!

Oh, q!

Hi, baby.
Thank you.

- What's going on?
- So, this is beef bottoms.

How does he know my nickname?

Everybody knows
you're beef bottoms.

That's me... beef bottoms.

All right, beef bottoms.

Don't call me that.
The bit's over.

- Here you go, q.
- Q, look down the aisle.

Joe: There's your guy.

That's our actor...
His name's Curtis,

but that's not the nickname
you have for him.

No, no, no.

Sal: He's so tall,
it's like an optical illusion.

Okay. That's...
That's my friend Curtis.

He doesn't know I'm here.

Could you do me a favor?

We have a nickname for him.

Could you say, "hey..."

"Sugar groin."

Could you say,
"hey, sugar groin"?

- Sugar grind?
- Groin.

- Groin?
- Yeah, but loud, loud.

Hey, sugar groin!

- Oh!
- Oh, she's got him!

Sugar groin.

Heeyyy!

How's my buddy?

Ah! Ah!

Q: There he is.

Joe:
You're amongst Danish.

All right, sal,
there's your friend.

Her name's Suzie,
but not today...

She's not Suzie.
No, no, no, no.

Excuse me.
Yeah.

- Hi.
- Hi.

My neighbor is at the end
of this aisle.

Could you just yell out
her nickname?

She'd get such a kick out of it.

"Papa sharts."

Her...

Her...

Could you just yell out
her nickname?

She'd get such a kick out of it.

What's her name?

"Papa sharts."

Her...

Her...

Her name is Mabel,

but we call her,
uh, "papa sharts."

Yeah.

Joe: If this woman yells
"papa sharts" right now...

She looks like she's gonna.

And she'll probably
come walking this way,

and then I'll jump out.

Hey, papa sharts!

Ah, that's me!

Aww, she's so sweet.

- Ahh!
- Ahh!

Papa sharts!

I'm papa sharts!

Now, wait. Do you have that $50
that you owe me?

You're never gonna
get that money, white boy.

♪

Sal: Yeah. Yeah. That is...
That is someone you know.

This is our actress friend
Phoebe.

♪

♪

I know her.
That's... that's my friend.

And I can't believe it.
I haven't seen her in forever.

I want to play a joke on her
and call her by her nickname.

"Ms. Moron-breath idiot-face."

Could you...
Could you yell down,

"Ms. Moron-breath idiot-face"?

Just... yeah,
that's her nickname...

That's her nickname
from growing up

because, like,
she dated a friend of ours,

and he was mister...

Mr. and Mrs.
Moron-face idiot-breath?

Moron-breath...
Idiot-face, yeah.

Q: She's gonna do it.
She's gonna do it!

This is crazy!

She's about to yell it.

Phoebe, be insulted.

Ms. Moron-breath idiot-face!

I'm sorry. What?!
Why are you calling me that?

- Who are you?
- I don't... I don't know her.

Joe won, so he doesn't care!

Joe, you left
a wake of destruction.

I'm just kidding.
That's okay.

Good day, moron.
How are you?

♪

Dude, could you...
Do me a solid?

My... my, uh...

My buddy's down that aisle.

See that guy in the pink shirt?

He has no idea
I'm here in the store.

He has no clue.

Can you shout out his nickname
down the aisle?

"One-ball Barry."

You got to shout it.

His nickname is
"one-ball Barry."

Just call him, "yo!"
So, "hey, one-ball Barry!"

Hey, one-ball Barry!

Joe: He didn't even hear
his name called.

Thanks, buddy.
Appreciate it.

Oh, my god, guys,
you're k*lling me.

- The guy walked away.
- Oh, now he's going.

Hey!

Barry!

Lookit, they're acting
for no one.

Why do you say that?

I mean, I could call you
"billiard ball," you know?

- I don't do it, you know?
- He's gone rogue!

I'm sorry I called you
that nickname.

- Here's the thing...
- Yeah.

It's "no-ball Barry."

No-ball Barry.

Sal: The Mark has left.

One-ball Barry does not have
a grasp on what this show is.

Yeah.

See ya.

Joe: Why are you even still
standing there, murr? It's over!

Narrator:
All the guys got the shout-out,

so q and sal are still
the leaders on the loser board.

Today, we're in the park,
getting strangers to help us

to teach our "kids"
a life lesson.

However, the ridiculous
life lesson

will be given to us
by the other guys.

If you can't get that stranger
to agree

with that ridiculous lesson,
you lose.

Narrator: It's murr vs. Sal
in a joker vs. Joker challenge.

We'll get lunch
in a few minutes.

Joe: There you go.

First, I know, next year,
you're going into junior high...

Mm-hmm.

So some lessons
that you should know in life,

some important things
that sometimes

maybe people
don't always talk to you about.

One thing that I think
that you should know...

"Real men shouldn't cry."

One thing that I think
that you should know...

"Real men shouldn't cry."

One thing that
you should know in life

is that a real man
would never cry.

They would never show
any emotion.

There it is.
Oh!

Oh.

Right away!
Right away!

No, if you're a woman, there's
nothing wrong with it at all.

Oh.

Q: I love that
he's a Vietnam vet,

so you can't even discount him
as, like, not manly.

He's, like, more manly
than anybody else in this park.

He came in so hot, too.

Oh! There you go!

He talked to the girl
to drive it home.

Yeah.
No win!

I guess everybody learned
something today.

Here, have a seat.
Let's take a load off.

There you go.

I'm gonna teach you an important
life lesson right now, okay?

This is an important one.

"Old people are allowed
to be r*cist."

Old people...

Are allowed to be r*cist.

Q: Oh, you got
a dirty look.

So one day, I'll probably
end up like that... r*cist.

I don't think you believe me.

Sir, I'm trying to teach my son
an important life lesson,

and I'm trying
to make him understand

that old people
are allowed to be r*cist.

Don't you think?

How old are you?

Oh, so you're r*cist?

No?
You're allowed to be.

I was telling my son
that older folks,

they're allowed to be r*cist.

They're from, you know...

You're saying you should know
better when you're older?

"I'm just trying to figure out
when to tell him

it's okay to be r*cist."

Ohh!

Here's what I'm trying
to figure out.

What is the age upon which
it's okay to be r*cist?

Never an age.

Exactly right, young man.

Listen to what both
these gentlemen are saying.

Let's go.
Let's go.

Thank you, sir.
Thank you, too.

- Wow!
- Don't be r*cist, ever!

Narrator: Murr and sal learned
a valuable lesson,

making sal tonight's big loser.

All right, look,
everybody buckle up

'cause sal's
our loser today.
Yes.

We don't even know how to
explain this one to you, buddy,

so you got to go work a desk
and see what happens.

Nothing's gonna be
revealed here?

- No.
- No.

Sal, your punishment
is right across the road.

Yes.

That's a hint.
Let's get to it.

Okay, boys.

There you go, buddy.
Here comes our loser.

- Start your shift, pal.
- All right.

Your clients will
be arriving shortly.

♪

Q: Oh! Sal's dad!

Wait.
What are you doing?

They just told me to come
in here and sit down.

The best ingredient
in any sal punishment

is when his dad
is there to witness it.

I'm excited.

Um...

What...

- Oh, oh! What's that?
- Is a fax coming in?

- Yeah.
- There's a fax coming in.

- There's a fax coming through.
- What's that say?

It's, "catch...

The...

Chicken."

Catch the chicken?

What does that mean?

Joe: Sal, check out
the front door.

Sal, you got the fax.

Catch the chicken.

So, there's boxes to your left.

Oh, you got to be.

♪

Oh, catch the chicken
and put it in there.

Your dad gets it.

It's not brain surgery.

Okay, dad.

What is this for?

Oh!

What the... Is that?!

They don't bite.
Go ahead. Get it.

Come on, son.
You can do it. Come on.

Look at his g*dd*mn claws,
though.

- Claws?
- Claws?

He's not a velociraptor.

Come here.

Wait.

Got to move a little quicker
than that, sal.
Yeah.

- - Oh, my god!
- He's everywhere!

He's gonna all over me!

No, he ain't.
Just grab him.

Okay, buddy, come on.
Let's just go in the thing.

- Here you go.
- That's it. That's...

Sal, this is not
a good look for you, sal.

Hey, bird.

- Oh, oh, oh!
- Ohh! Ohh!

Sal, please, my friends
are watching you, so...

There he goes.
There he goes.

Get him. Get him.
Get him.

Murr: That's not how you catch
a chicken, bud.

Q: At what point do you realize
that this doesn't work?

Wow. If your sister
was here,

she'd have that chicken
in the crate.

♪

Joe: Sal,
he's got nowhere to go, sal.

- Get him!
- That's it. That's it.

- You got it!
- Whoo!

- Wow!
- Good job, sal.

Good job, buddy.

- Oh!
- Oh!

- Oh!
- It's coming in.

There's another fax.

- "Catch all..."
- Uh-oh.

"Catch all the chickens."

- Oh!
- Oh!

Joe:
You just caught them, buddy.

They're the same weight.
Go ahead. Get in there.

♪

Just... just pick them up.

- Whoa!
- Oh!

Ohh, he just growled at me.

- Growled.
- He growled at you?

- - You see that?!
- Did you hear that?!

You know what I think these are?

I think
these are fighting chickens.

♪

♪

Just... just pick them up.

- Whoa!
- Oh!

Ohh, he just growled at me.

- Growled.
- He growled at you?

I think
these are fighting chickens.

Murr: What?

- Oh!
- Oh!

- Oh!
- Oh!

What the?!

The longer you take,
the more chickens get thrown in.

- - What's that?
- Like a peep?

It's a peep.

Just grab them by the body.

Stop, dad.
It's not that easy, dad.

- It is. It is, really.
- It's not.

I'll get the little ones.
I'll get back to them.

Joe: Oh, be careful.
Then the parents will attack.

Those are the parents?

They're gonna protect
their young.

Oh, here come the parents.
Look. They're looking at you.

I see you, chicken.

Come on. You got him.
You got him.

Oh, my god.
They're so cute.

Get that other baby
in there, man.

Come on, let's hurry this up.
I got places to be.

♪

- I'm not gonna...
- Hurry up.

Grab him. Grab him, sal.
Grab him! Now, now!

♪

- Now! That's it. That's it!
- Yeah, sal!

Oh, he's gonna sh*t on me.
He's gonna sh*t on me!

He's gonna sh*t on me!

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

- Three to go, buddy.
- Get them, sal, get them!

Joe:
Get him, sal! Go, baby!

Grab him, sal. Grab him.
Grab him. Grab him. Grab him.

Q: There we go.
There we go.

Ah, sh*t!

You got to go inside now.
You got to go inside.

I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.

- Yeah, sal!
- I'm so sorry.

- Good job.
- Get in there.

Grab him, sal.
Grab him. Grab him.

- I'm so sorry!
- You got him. You got him!

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

Q: Right next to you, buddy.
Right next to you.

- Get him.
- Finish strong.

Aah!

What happened?
You were so close!

- He'll go. He'll go now.
- Go with your friends.

Charm him into there, sal.
Come on.
Go with your friends.

- Oh!
- Oh, the charm!

Joe: Sal's hitting him
with the charm!

Go in there.

Get the in there,
you little b*tch.

- Yeah!
- Nice work, buddy!

- Oh, there you go.
- Oh, there's a fax.

The fax!

- All right. All right, sal.
- All right.

Well done, fellas.
Wow.

Clean up all this.

♪

Hey, you're not Casey jost.

I know.
I'm Joe imburgio.

All right, so, sal just
played chicken and lost.

Now we're gonna show you
some behind-the-scenes footage

from tonight's episode.

Right?

Is that how it goes?
Yes, please.

Yes, just get me
out of this room.

Joe, talk to me
about this punishment.

This punishment's great.

- Sal is not in shape...
- Uh-huh.

And afraid of everything.

Uh-huh.

Oh.

What the... Is that?!

What is it?
What is it?

Is it upset?
Is it an upset chicken?

Do you think he knows
about all the e. Coli

and the salmonella and the...

Did you color your hair?

No, I cut it.

♪

You... why? What's up?
What do you...

It's usually grayer.
Oh.

Are you thinking
about the other guy?

We're here with director
of photography Geoff celis,

who, I believe,
owns some chickens?
I do.

How smart is
your average chicken?

So, I don't know if I...
You can be honest.

I don't...

They're dumb.
The answer's that they're dumb.

Go... no, come here.
He's coming right at me?

He'll go back
if you walk towards him.

Don't start nothing,
won't be nothing.

I don't...

Why is it coming at me?

Joe: It's the opposite scenario
that just happened.

Sal. It's like the chicken
has the crate and is like,

"come on,
just get in the crate."

This is the payback for
all those chickens sal has had.

How hard was it for you
to follow the chickens

with the cameras?

The chickens
are not easy to cover.
Really?

We have no idea
what they're going to do.

Kind of just going around...

Yeah, clucking around.

What are your predictions
for these chickens?

We've been giving them
lots of their chicken mash,

so we're hoping for lots
and lots of poop.

Right.

- Oh, that's good.
- Yeah.

- Sal hates poop.
- It'll be fun.

It's already getting
a little stinky in here.

It just took a
right on the carpet.

- That's the -cken.

Were you more embarrassed
for sal during this punishment

or where the firefighter
had to come and save him?

♪

Do you think your father would
be proud of you?

♪

No. No, I'm not.

The firefighter.
For sure.
Oh, yeah?

What bothers you the most?

Is it the e. Coli,
the salmonella,

the west nile,
the avian bird flu?

I didn't even think
of that yet, actually.

Do we have any antibacterial?

No.

I didn't even think about that.

Sal's washing the avian bird flu
off of his hands right now.

I don't think that's good
'cause it's a virus,

and that's antibacterial.

♪

It is a beautiful day
in the park for life lessons.

Sal, does this girl
look familiar?

This is Asher.
Yeah.

You know Asher?

Well, something tells me I do.

You've been scared
of her before.

Oh, were you in the cornfield?

- No.
- No.

- The haunted house?
- No.

I love that he has a list

of where
he was scared by little girls.
By children.

Were you a zombie?

- No.
- No.

She was the girl in the vr.

Oh, you were...
She was one of the sisters!

Stop it now!

The both of you are children,
and I'm not afraid.

Boo!

It ain't gonna work today, kid.

It's "no-ball Barry."

No-ball Barry.

Ask him how that
piece-of-book he wrote

is doing.

Listen, are you still writing?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah?

The last one was a disaster.

No, I know.

I mean, it was crap.
Crap.

It was like sominex.

I really...

- -Yeah, it was boring.
- -

yeah, and you called it
"awakened"?

- Yeah.
- I mean, where was your head?