08x02 - The Closer

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up,
why is sal all shook up?

What's got Joe
dealing under the table?

Sal: Oh, Joey!

And which losing joker will be
crashing computers

in tonight's punishment?

Sal: Prepare for
something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr: Like a boss!

Sal: I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

I take that money!

Today, we're at pace university
working with

heytutor to get
one-on-one computer lessons.

While being taught,
we've got to do and say

what the other guys tell us.

If you refuse to do or say
anything you're told, you lose.

I'm excited that we'll actually
learn something today.

That's not gonna happen.

Sal, this is Juan.

Juan?
Hey. Sal.

"Mr. Juan."
You have to say "mister"

before his name every time.

Nice to meet you,
Mr. Juan.

Nice to meet you.

So, what are you working on?

I'm deciding that I might be
taking some real estate

courses next semester.
Okay.

And I just wanted, like,
a introduction to...

To powerpoint.

If I'm being honest,
Mr. Juan,

I have no clue about anything.
That's okay.

That's great.
Just call me Juan.

No "mister."
No "mister."

Just Juan.
Okay, just Juan.

Yes.
Okay.

"Now, what's the difference
between powerpoint and e-mail?"

Okay. And Mr... oh, Juan.
Yes.

What is the difference between,
let's say, powerpoint...

Mm-hmm.
And e-mail?

Um, well the difference
is presentation.

If you want to, for example,
you want a quick presentation...

- This guy's the best.
- Yeah.

So we're gonna create
a powerpoint presentation,

very simple.

"Let me do it!"

So you can choose from...
Let me do it!

Yeah, great.

Right here, you select the box.

"Click to add a tit-le?"

And then it's just click
to add a tit-le

or click to add a sub-tit-le,
and that's it.

Always, yes.

"People love bigger
tit-les, right?"

Should it be all caps?

Ah, that's up to you.
It's your own style.

Okay. Well, I like a big
healthy tit-le, so.

Yeah.

And then since this
is your presentation,

then you're gonna
add your name here.

Sal, when he points out things
on the screen,

circle it with a marker.

Like, you could put your
major... anything you like.

And then this... this here
is what everyone's gonna see,

and then right here
in this area here

is where I'm gonna add
if my name is sal.

- There you go.
- If I have a...

I'm a student at pace.
There you go.

And then the date.
Yes.

Shake the screen like
an etch a sketch

to make it go away.

Uh, I don't know.
My niece does it like that.

Oh.

Sal, spit on the screen.

- Oh!
- Oh, my god!

- There you go!
- There it is.

Oh, that was crazy.

Uh, do you remember
how to create a new slide?

Yes.
Okay.

"I can't wait to sell houses
to rich assholes."

There you go, okay.

I can't wait to sell houses
to rich assholes.

And, you know, take their money.

- - I know.
- "White mother s."

These... these white mother s.

God bless, god bless.
Yeah.

I'll sell houses to anybody.

"I'll sell houses to
martians, I don't care."

"Green...
Green mother s."

I'll sell... I'll sell houses
to martians,

I don't care,
those green mother s.

"Outer-space
sons of b*tches!"

Outer-space sons of b*tches.

I know.
"Body-snatching b*stards!"

Those body-snatching,
probing b*stards.

"I take that money!"

I take that
money, Mr. Juan!

All right.
Um, so, I think next since

we did this page...
Yeah.

How 'bout
"top websites to visit"?

There you go.
Okay.

Great title.

- i can't.
- That's about a fail.

There you go, buddy.

Uh..."

Shelter."

Here we go.

Joe: Here we go.

Um, so, what...
Basically, I want to learn

how to use powerpoint.
Okay.

You want everything
to be really jazzy.

I'm looking for,
like, a template

that's like, super jazzy
and just,

like, really
jumps out at you, you know?

Joe: "Whoa, jazz alert!"

Wow!
Jazz alert, right there!

That's super jazzy, right?

Murr, you get him
to say "jazzy."

Isn't that jazzy?

What is that, this...
I think the pattern gets you.

It's super... right?
It's super...

Eye-catching, man.

All right.
So, when you open it up,

it'll automatically take you
to a title slide.

Mm-hmm.
"Do you have Adderall?"

So we just click
on the box itself.

This stuff takes a lot of focus.

It can be tedious.
But once you get it going...

Do you have Adderall?

No, okay.

Yeah. So, I mean,
if you want name

any kind of presentation,
you're gonna...

Oh, so you just type it
right into the box.

Yeah, if you're gonna work
on a specific one.

We decided we're gonna make you
do a presentation

on your grandma, buddy.

Um, I want to design
a presentation

specifically about
my grandmother.

Okay.

Um, so, I'll make
the title, uh...

"Percocet"?

"My Nana is the best."

Percocet, do you have
one of those?

No.

So now I have photos,
for example.

There's grandma.

It's the same coat, murr!

Joe: It looks like
he's wearing the coat!

Q: Oh, my god, murr.

See, this is actually her...
Is that her coat?

Yeah, it's the coat
from the photo.

Oh, nice.
Isn't that great?

"She think just 'cause
I borrow her underwear

she can wear my jackets."

I mean, you know, she thinks
she can wear my jackets

just 'cause
I borrow her bloomers.

It's not the same.

32 years old, and I'm gonna
get yelled at by grandma?

What is there... what does
that thing do up there?

That's the rotation.

Joe: Put grandma upside-down.
Put grandma upside-down.

Flip her upside-down.
That's hysterical.

"She's on her way
out, anyway."

Yeah, flip her upside-down.
She's on her way out, anyway.

You know.

He was like,
"oh, no."

I'm doing pretty good.
I'm getting it.

Insert picture.

"I've... I've had
a lot of too-tours.

You're the best too-tour."

You're an excellent too-tour.

Thank you.

"My last too-tour quit
'cause I got too handsy."

Yeah. My last too-tour quit
'cause I got too handsy.

Let's talk about
these slides here.

Uh, the bar chart here...

Stop sitting.

What? What?

Stop sitting.
Okay.

Okay, so, now...
Now, if I wanted to insert

another slide,
what else can I do?

So, what else could I do?

"Sorry. I had a boil lanced,
and some other maladies."

I'm sorry.
I had a boil...

I had a boil lanced.
No, you're good.

I'm trying...
And some other maladies,

it's... no, question.

Where is the bathroom?

The bathroom?
I don't know.

It's, uh...

How do I get the out of here?

This... I came from...
It's down that hall right there.

He's taking his coat.
He's taking his coat.

- He's gone!
- And you will never

see him again.

I can't believe this.
Where is the bathroom?

He took his coat.
He just stormed out!

Who takes their coat
to a bathroom?

Oh, my.
He's done, buddy.

You're not getting him back.
Joe: No, he's gone.

Was it that bad?

Yes.

How are you?
Pretty good. Yourself?

Q, by the end of this,
I want you to get her

to be your plus-one
to a wedding.

Well, what is your level so far?

Ugh.
Level ugh.

Yeah?
Yeah.

I'm like, I'm fine with these.
The templates.

Templates, because, like,
this wedding I have

this weekend...
Joe: Oh, here he goes.

The invite came, like,
something like this.

It was cool to get things
that way, you know what I mean?

Yeah.
Not as cool going by myself.

Where do you live?
I'm from Brooklyn.

Oh, Brooklyn!
Yep.

That's where the wedding is!

He's laying the groundwork.

In Brooklyn, yeah.

No, I don't have to.
I don't have to go very far.

Just... just no one to talk to.

Okay.

"Oh, that reminds me."

Pick up your phone and say,
"Siri, send a text to bubba."

Excuse me a second.

I'm so sorry.
Yeah, no worries.

"Bubba, we got to get
at that tonight.

Don't worry."

Okay.
Hey, bubba.

We got to get at that tonight.

Send.

Send.

Send. Now it's
just writing "send."

Send!

"Siri, bubba send!"

Siri, bubba send, no doubt.

- "Alexa, Alexa!"
- "Alexa, send."

- Alexa.
- "Okay, Google."

Okay, booble.

You said, "okay, bobble"!

- Okay, booble.
- Oh, this is awful.

I can't get it to send.

Sorry about that.
No, you're fine.

It's just 'cause it's tonight,

so we got to get at it tonight.

Okay. So this is the...
This is the second slide.

Yeah.
Um, and I think...

Do you know how
to electric slide, that dance?

Uh, yeah, I've heard of it.

But have you... 'cause
I don't know how to do it.

And I'm really concerned
about that wedding.

- Whoa.
- Nice.

"Sometimes I wish I could
control-alt-delete my life."

Sometimes I wish I could
alt-control-delete my life.

Control-alt-delete!

You made me spit my soup out,
you jerk!

- Oh, five more minutes?
- Yeah.

She wants out!
So, q, you gonna ask her

to be your plus-one
to this wedding?

- Here you would insert...
- Oh, wow.

So you're pretty busy, huh?

They have to rotate us
around a lot.

They got to rotate you.
Yeah.

All weekend? Are you're
free on, like, the weekend?

I'm still going
to the wedding alone.

Um, I'm working.
You're working.

All right, no wedding.

Um, no.

I see.
Murr: She's a hard no.

You tried.
I will give you that.

Siri, tell Alexa I can't
make it to that wedding.

Powerpoint, send.

You know powerpoint?

Yeah.
Great.

Great, then you're
the right lady for the job.

Joe, you think
it's a touch screen,

and you keep forgetting
it's not.

These are, like, already

kind of set up
nice and pretty for you.

Oh, great.

Oh, this isn't a touch screen.

Yeah, this is not
a touch screen.

Oh, okay.
Sorry.

So then, how do you
type in here?

So, you would use your mouse.

So, your... use my mouth.

Your mouse.
The keypad.

Oh, the keypad.
Sorry. Got it.

Yeah, so I click it there.

No, you click this.

- But it says, "click."
- Yeah.

I think it means
you're clicking...

Oh, I'm... all right.
So, this is confusing

'cause this is like
an atm machine.

Now, let's say
you want to preview

what this is gonna look like
when you present.

You can't see that unless you
get your face right up on it.

This little button here,
and now it's gonna...

So, what is that?
What is that there?

That's like a present mode.

So when you click it,
it's gonna show you...

Oh, got it.

So now it's showing me
what the people will see.

Murr: You know, sound effects
make life more fun, buddy.

So that was this little...
That was this button here?

Yes.
Okay.

So now if I just click...

Yeah.

Do it until she says something!

Um, you got
to use the mouse pad.

I got to use the mouse pad.
That's right.

You can add pictures
here, shapes.

Exactly.

"What if I wanted to end
every slide with, like,

a... an audio clip?"

So if I wanted to do, like,
an audio sound

between two slides, like, uh...

Yeah. "Like a guy moaning
or, you know."

Slides, like, uh, you know,
like, uh...

So if I wanted to do, like,
an audio sound

between two slides, like, uh...

Yeah. "Like a guy moaning
or, you know."

You know, like, anything.

Like anything that just
comes to mind, like,

you know, a guy
moaning or whatever.

Mm-hmm.
That'd be cool.

Yeah. So, click
right here for sound.

Sound.

So I just look I this drop-down
for "guy moaning"?

Q: You got a text.

Put the volume up.
I got a text.

Mm-hmm.

Send the message back.
As if this is a language.

Ask her if she's
with the government.

You're not with
the government, are you?

- Huh?
- You're not with the government?

Uh, yeah.
I work for the government.

You for the government?
Yeah.

Really?
I work for

the department of justice.

Do you really?
The DOJ?

Oh, whoa!
What are the odds

she works for the government?

I don't know.

Frantically send another text.

Oh, all right.
Well, then, in that case...

Department of justice...

Okay. Um...

Uh-oh, Joe. You just got
another text back, buddy.

Oh, I'm so sorry.
I just...

You're okay.

Department of justice...

Sal: That's a thumbs-up.

Narrator: Murr and sal
flunked this one,

so they're first up
on the loser board.

Today we're in a shoe store,

playing a game of hot potato
with a stranger's shoe.

Once a customer takes
his shoe off,

one of us is gonna
have to grab it.

Then we take turns
passing it around

until one of us gets caught.

If you get caught with the
stranger's shoe, you're out.

But the game continues till
there's one joker left standing.

Now I'm just processing this,

'cause that means
we're touching filthy...

♪

Yeah, if you guys don't have
the 11, I can try the 11 1/2?

Psst. Psst.

A shoe has been removed.

♪

Ah!
I touched the bottom.

♪

♪

Are these... these are uggs.

Oh!

♪

Uh, the register is over here.

Are these for sale?

How much are these?

Oh, these are yours?

Oh! Oh, my god.

I'm so sorry, ma'am.

No, I was buying them for...

So what happens is, I keep
shoes like that near my door

'cause I go out,

I have some fun,
play a little basketball.

And then when I come back in,
I can slip them right off.

Yeah.
Bye, Brian.

Okay.

You play basketball in those?

One down.

I'm gonna need... I'm gonna need
my gloves laundered.

My hands are nice
and sanitized right now.

Here he goes.
Shoes off, boys.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I'm so sorry.

Murr: Excuse me.
Oh, there goes Joe underneath!

Joe going low.

Murr: Yeah, I wanted
to see that,

and I was hoping
to see this one.

Q: Oh, oh, murr
doing the distraction!

There we go.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I'm so sorry.
Excuse me.

Oh, there goes Joe!
There goes Joe underneath!

Joe going low.

Well, those...

Oh, Joey!

Wait, wait, wait.

He's looking down.
This... this is new.

So you like this one better?

Joe, now, now, now.

Now, now, now.

I really like this brand.

Oh. Oh, no!

Joe got caught.

- Thank you.
- There you go.

Joe: I thought those
were on sale.

If you guys need me,
I'll be with q.

It all comes down to this,
sal versus murr.

Q: And whoever loses this
gets punished.

- - Whoa.
- Here we go, boys.

Nice, sal.
You look very natural.

- Oh, yes.
- Very natural, sal.

I think you guys are just
trying to get caught.

He got it, he got it.

Game on.
Murr: Clumsy, clumsy, clumsy.

Joe: Okay,
murr's got the shoe.

Now we got a game.

Sal, don't be in her
eyeshot, you idiot!

Go away!

Coming from the guy
that got caught, in the back.

Notice all the shoppers
are just trying to get hit

by the shoe you're throwing
back and forth.

- Wow!
- What?

He absorbed it like a starfish!

Oh, man.
Sponge.

He absorbed it like a sponge!

There you go.

She's in her phone.

This is the problem, kids.
Don't be in your phone.

You'll never know
what's happening.

Murr, you got caught!

Murray, you're caught!

I didn't mean to hit the light.

I apologize.
Yeah!

Sal takes it!

Narrator: Sal was one step ahead
of the competition,

making murr tonight's big loser.

All right.
Murr lost, so I'm happy.

For your punishment today, bub,
we're gonna have you play

a game called,
"close everybody else's laptop."

So, what do I have to do?

You... you have to close
everybody's laptops.

Okay. So the point of this,
uh, punishment is...

- Close everybody's laptops!
- I get it!

One, two, three, four,
five, six...

Every person has a laptop.

It's like they had a sale
on laptops in here.

The problem with these laptops
are, is that they're open.

- Yeah.
- Oh, god.

Is somebody sitting here, buddy?

No.
Okay, thanks.

- Here he goes.
- This is the, uh...

This is the new
asus that they have?

The new asus computer?
Uh...

It is.

- Uh, but I also have...
- It's open.

Close it again!
Close it again!

Oh, wow.

I see what you...
I see what you mean.

- Oh!
- It has a light?

Do you mind if I...
Oh, that's a pleasant shell.

Oh, my god! You have to
walk away with it down.

Let me get the hell out of here.

Like, this is just so light.

Oh!

Sal: It's really hard.

Q: This is one of those bits,
without a doubt,

where we will never feel
the mood he's feeling right now.

Joe: There's an open laptop
right there.

Just go close it.

Hey, bud. Look.
Ooh!

I didn't want to say anything,

but the girls over there
keep looking at your screen

and I want to protect
your privacy.

So just be careful.
So be careful, okay?

I'm just looking out for you.

"That's me, privacy Jimmy."

That's me, privacy Jimmy.

Be careful.

Joe: Yeah!

- All right!
- All right.

He just went,
"what the?"

Who's next?

Close it.

Close it, close it, close it!

Battery police!

Got to keep that closed,
save a battery, right?

Save it.

He got away!

Gentlemen, this is gonna
seem strange.

Just watch your hands.
- Whoa!

Thanks.
Have a good day.

Oh, just got to keep
that going down.

He's got a... looks like
he's got a e-mail up.

This could get me punched.

Hey, uh, go.

Excuse me.
I'm sorry.

Could I ask you
a favor real quick?

Yeah.

Could you n...
Just please don't k*ll me.

Joe: Oh!

Joe: There's an open laptop
right there.

Just close it.

Murr: This could
get me punched.

Excuse me.
I'm sorry.

Could I ask you a favor
real quick?

Yeah.

Could you n...
Just please don't k*ll me.

Oh!

Thank you.
I appreciate it.

Sal: Oh, my god.

Oh, I just said,
"please don't k*ll me."

And you didn't,
so we're all square.

'Cause I...

I didn't want to
back into it, is the thing.

I didn't want you to think I was
being rude or anything,

you know what I mean?

Okay.
So I was just...

I was trying to ease into it.

So, sorry about that.

Oh, my god.

Dude is looking around like he
can't believe what's happening.

Dude, he went from angry
to confused to laughing.

Look at his face.

Joe: Look to your right.

Oh, dude.
Sal: Oh!

You're not watching
porn, are you?

'Cause it's ill*gal
to download porn

on the Wi-Fi of the coffee shop.

Now, be careful.

Okay. Oh, my god.
I'm so embarrassed.

Oh, my god.
Oh, my god!

Look at him!
I thought you were.

You're not.
Good, good, good.

Carry on.

- - Everybody's eyeing me.
- Holy.

Hey, murr, you know how, like,
this ends when we say it ends?

Yeah.
If you gave Dan cast

a big kiss
every time you passed him,

it would lower the amount
of time

that I feel you need
to be out there...

Dan cast being one of
our beloved crew members.

But every time you pass him.

Joe: All right, so let's see
if you can do a drive-by.

Excuse me, hands up.

Watch out, hands up, hands up.

Oh. My. God.

Right now, she's stewing in it.

Murr, I would like you to walk
by slowly, but don't touch her.

But just let her...
Let her guard as you walk by.

I'm sorry?

Hmm?

Yeah.

Oh. Did you...
You know what it was?

The laptop was open.

- Oh.
- That's the face of

a punished man.

Q: Are you gonna
pass Dan cast?

You know the rules.

- Look at hopper!
- Hopper wants a kiss!

Murr, just turn around.

On the back, hopper's waiting
for a kiss, please.

- Against the wall.
- This is not the bit.

His forehead.

- I'm sorry.
- There you go.

Murr, then the new pa
sitting next to him...

The new pa with the
beanie hat right there.

- Welcome.
- He doesn't work for our show.

♪

Sal's going down!
Sal's going down!

He doesn't work on the show.

This is season 8!
What are you doing?

- Oh, that was great.
- I can't believe

I fell for that.

That was great.

That was amazing.

Murr, that's it. We're over.
Well done, murr.

Get me the hell out of here.

Watch, hands up.
Hands up, hands up.

There you go.

Q: Nice work, buddy.

So, this is... these are
different modes, right?

- Right.
- "Let me just apologize.

I'm sorry
I'm not grasping it."

All right, let me...
Let me... I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I'm not grasping it.

"I was in a optional coma
for 18 months."

- Optional.
- Optional?

It just takes me a little
while to process stuff.

I was in a optional coma
for 18 months.

Optional coma?

God damn optional coma
really set me back.

"You ever seen
'flatliners'?"

Do you know the movie
"flatliners"?

Mnh-mnh.

Basically, I just wanted
to see what was

on the other side after death.

That's what the story's about.

And then...
"I looked for 18 months."

I looked for 18...
I looked for 18 months.

Murr: "You know what I found
on the other side?"

You know what I found
on the other side?

"Bedsores."

Bedsores.

Oh, that's not fun.

No, it's not.

If you want to create your own,
then you go to "blank"

and then you add your boxes
if you want to add text.

"So, what's the best way
to share this

without using
a computerized device?"

You can insert an image.
Got you.

So, what is... what
would be the best way

for me to send this...

Mm-hmm?

Without using, like,
a computerized device?

- - You have to.
- Oh, wow!

He wasn't playing
around on that one.

"How 'bout the best way
to send this off-planet?"

Even off-planet?

Yes.

"Oh, oh."
Uh-oh.

"Oh, excuse me one second,
Mr. Juan."

Joe: Look at him.
He can't say it.

He's got something
that doesn't...

Will you excuse me one second?

"I got to fix my sh*t."

One second, Juan.

I just have to fix
my sh*t real quick.

You go ahead.

♪

Ready?
Yes. Thank you.