08x04 - Full Mental Jacket

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up, what's got
Joe practicing bad medicine?

Pretty sure that menopause
is a conspiracy.

Narrator:
Why is q being such a softie?

- Who's my little pudge?
- I'm a little pudge?

Narrator:
And which losing joker

will be a real poser
in tonight's punishment?

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr: Like a boss!

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Q: That's it, baby!
Work that!

Today we're working
as nurses in maroon.

While examining patients,
we've gotta do and say

what the other guys tell us.

If you refuse to do or say
anything, you lose.

-Cough.

- You've got a fever.
- Huge fever.

♪

Murr: All right, sal.

So, uh, we put den cast,
our crew member, on the table.

- There you go.
- Here we go, sal.

Well, it's discolored,
but it is female.

Excuse me.

Okay, so, general check-up.

Your name is Justin?
Mm-hmm.

- Okay. And do you exercise?
- I skateboard.

"Do you even lift, bro?"

But do you even lift,
bro, or...?

Nah. No.

"And how did that happen
to your face?"

We'll circle back.
Okay.

And your heart is okay
as far as you know?

- As far as I know, yeah.
- Okay.

"Can you feel the difference
between love and lust?"

And so you can feel
the difference between,

like, love and lust?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Murr: Sal, take his temperature
using the back of your hand.

Take the gloves off.

Oh, you wanna take the gloves
off, though, buddy.

Take those gloves off.
All righty.

♪

You never know where
the pen's been, so...

Uh, let me take
your temperature.

Okay, 99.3.

- All right. There you go.
- You can put the hat on.

Why don't you, uh, check
this guy's reflexes, sal?

Check your reflexes.

- Oh!
- There you go.

- See that sh*t?
- Yeah.

Mnh. Hmm.

"Your right leg
is dead, sir."

I think your...

Wait a second.

Joe: He's hiding!

Left leg is good.

♪

I think your right leg is dead.

"We're gonna have to take it."

We might have to...

We might have to unfortunately
take your right leg.

It'll impact you
for a few months

until you learn to ride
single-leg skateboard.

"Just gonna circle back...
How'd this happen to your face?"

Circling back.
4/6/93 is your birthday?

♪

Joe: Yeah, I'm 90% sure
that should be there.

That should be there.

Come on. We're all about done.
Thank you.

- How's your day so far?
- Good.

Good. Nice.
So, how old are you?

I'm 24, so I'll be 25
on the 25th.

"That's good, because
I'm telling you right now

I think menopause
is a conspiracy."

That's good 'cause
you're a far way off,

but I'm pretty sure that
menopause is a conspiracy.

Oh.

So I don't want you to fall
into the whole thing.

Q:
"The whole thing."

And did they take your contact
information, like your e-mail?

Uh, yeah.

See that gray bucket
next to you Joe?

Mm-hmm.

Have a sneeze into that bucket
for a sneeze test.

Murr: What?

Okay. All right.
Let me do a quick sneeze test.

Have you done those?
Um, no.

Just sneeze in that bucket.
Just... go ahead.

Yeah, just give a sn...
A-a sneeze into the bucket.

- Yeah. Perfect.
- Achoo!

Thank you.

Okay, that's good.
That should be good.

- She looks so confused.
- She's completely baffled now.

Joey, you can never find
the perfect tongue depressor.

Let's... just gotta get
the tongue depressors.

No, that's...

Um, okay.
And how are your feet?

My feet? Um...

Angrily throw them down
and start getting pissed, dude.

Do you moisturize normally?

Um...

and I, like, put a little bit
of coconut oil...

Coconut oil's great. Coconut's
super-great for hydra...

What the?

The last tongue depressor's
the only good one.

But I don't, like, go out
of my way, but I like...

I like coconut oil a lot.

I promise... we got... we get
these from our wholesaler,

and sometimes the wholesaler
doesn't really do

the investigation
as thorough as I do.

Oh. Yeah. Wow.

I mean, we... we had a whole...

♪

And then, uh, you wanna do...
Perfect.

Um, so, you're gonna wanna
do one, uh, multivitamin.

Let me get the stethoscope.

Joe, drop the only good one
on the floor.

- The, uh, nature value.
- Oh, yeah, yeah. All right.

The nature value one is...

Oh. Oh, damn it.

That was the only good one.
Which one was it?

Joey, if you could slip on
all those tongue depressors

and end up with your head
in the sneeze bucket,

that would be great.

Joe: Wow. Oh, man.
This is asking a lot.

Sun exposure. How often
do you go out into...?

Oh, I would say probably...

Q: Joe. He's working
it out in his head.

He's got it all goin'.

Joe: That's gonna be it.

♪

Joe: Maurine!

Sneeze test came back positive.

Joe: Here we go.
Here we go. Go.

Q: Yeah, it's a wrench and a
screwdriver and a little hammer.

Here.
Why don't you stand up?

Q, why don't you
administer a hearing test

to this gentleman
with your own mouth?

Q: Uh, let's just start
with your hearing.

Just raise... raise the arm

whatever you hear it in,
okay, John?

Okay.

This is so stupid.

Just go, "it's the remix."

It's a remix.

All right, good.

So you don't have hearing
problems per se.

Okay. What does your tattoo say
on the back, that writing?

Hey, bud, put those gloves on
to examine him.

♪

There you go, buddy.

Joe:
Yep, they're fingerless.

Sal: Look at
the guy's face.

Murr: You're now infecting
all the equipment.

Could you just breathe in
slowly for me?

"And when you exhale,
just say, 'born to rule.'"

and when you exhale,
could you just say,

"born to rule"?

Born to rule.

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

All right, so,
you generally seem like

you're in good shape, my man.

"Last part... this is just a...

I'm gonna need you to look
into my eyes and fart."

Ohh. I'm gonna
send a doctor in.

Murr: Oh, my god.

- Number 3.
- Here you go, here you go.

Q: Here you go.

- Ah, she's a beaut.
- Okay.

Great. You're all good.

What is your name?

- Jasmine.
- Jasmine. Okay.

"My name's
dandy chickens."

My... my name is dandy chickens.

- That's your name?
- Yes, dandy chickens.

- Dandy... chickens?
- Yes.

Uh, and, um...

- "Are you fine?"
- Are you fine?

- Yeah.
- "'Cause I'm dandy."

- 'Cause I'm dandy.
- "Dds."

- That's me. Dds.
- Got you.

Okay. And when was...
When was your last checkup?

My last checkup was
about six months ago.

Okay, murr, take this
woman's blood pressure.

Okay, let me... sure.

Let me take your blood
pressure real quick.

Joe: He doesn't even know
where to start.

I need to take
your blood pressure.

Joe: Okay, murr, take this
woman's blood pressure.

Okay, let me... sure.

Let me take your blood
pressure real quick.

We have no idea how to do
anything in this office.

I need to take
your blood pressure.

- Okay.
- I think you need...

- What's that?
- Blood pressure?

Yes. Yes.
I know.

He doesn't even know
where to start.

And this is a general
checkup, right?
Yes.

"Ahh, I lost the bet
with the receptionist."

Ahh. I lost the bet
with the receptionist.

"I bet the next patient
would have something
stuck inside them."

I bet the next patient
was coming into...

Because she had something
stuck inside of her.

Oh, nope.
Just... just normal.

Just normal.

Okay, good.
Good, good.

- "Blood pressure looks good."
- Blood pressure's good.

It was, uh, 135 over, uh, 90.

"Let me just do the math
real quick."

All right.
Let me just do...

Let me just do the math
and all that.

So 135 divided by 90.
Carry the 2.

So it's... Uh...

♪

So, wait. So 135...

Yeah, your blood pressure
has a remainder of 7.

- Ohh. Okay.
- So that's pretty good.

Murr, hold the marker
up to your face

and not realize you're coloring
all over your face.

Um, so you only get
to work out how often then?

Once a week.

Once a week. That's it?
That's it?

Okay. Now, um...

Uh, and long hours
when you're on...

Uh, you're...
you're... you're...
I'm sorry?

You're putting the marker
on your face.

Do you wanna, like, see it?

- Yeah, do you mind?
- Yeah.

Joe: Smile like you're
taking a selfie. Smile.

You were, like, drawing
on your face.

Yeah. You were, like, drawing.
You have like...

Are you gonna snap it?

Great. And anything on your body
that's been, um, bothering you?

- My shoulder, actually.
- Your shoulder.

"Strip to your comfort level.
I'll be right back."

Yes, um...

Uh, you know, let me get
the doctor, I guess.

Narrator:
The lab results are in,

and Joe is free and clear
from the loser board.

Today we're in the supermarket
shopping with our "wives."

Well, not our real wives,

just ones that are
playing them on TV.

With our real wives in tow,

we'll have to mingle and shop
and do and say what we're told.

And if you refuse,
you lose and get divorced

'cause true love is a lie.

- Will you just call her already?
- Why doesn't she call me?!

These are our real wives.

Narrator:
It's a double down challenge.

♪

Joe: Hi, Phoebe.
Thank you for helping us out.

Of course.
How's it going?

Congratulations.
It's your anniversary, guys.

Oh, wow! Guys!

- It's your anniversary.
- How cool is that?

Joe: Oh, but bad news, q.
You forgot to get a gift.

- Ohh.
- Well, don't worry, bud.

You're in a supermarket. There's
plenty of gifts to be found.

Yeah, or... or bought off
a stranger for $20.

Hey, honey.
Are these the ones you wanted?

- Yeah, get those.
- Okay.

- Happy anniversary.
- Oh, it's your anniversary.

Oh, all right.

Oh, I think the paper towels.
You needed those, right?

They're on sale
over there, baby.
Yeah.

Oh, my god. I totally forgot
it was our anniversary.

Can I buy that? Can I buy
that bracelet off you?

Please? I need to get her
a gift. Please.

Oh, I have to do it.
You don't understand.

She gets crazy.
Please?

Please?

Yeah!

What'd you get, baby?
Anything good?

Phoebe.
"Look how soft my man is."

Look at how soft my man is.

It's so soft.
Like a little pillow.

Murr:
"This is my little pudge."

Who's my little pudge?!
Say it! Say it!

Say, "say it."

- I'm not gonna say...
- Say it!

I'm a little pudge.

- What about, like...
- Aww, my little pudge.

♪

I've asked her to stop
with the pudgy

and the calling me fat
in public, but sh...

But she won't stop.

Joe: Ohh!

"What's she saying to you,
chunky butt?"

What's she saying to you,
chunky butt?

Let her call you everything.

Get meaner and meaner
at what you say.

- I love you, fat a*s!
- Oh, my god. She loves you.

She loves me?!

Who's my little piece of?

I am.

All right, let's keep
shopping, dickface.

Sal: Got a person
from our staff, Carly.

Will be playing
Joe's wife today.

-Carly, you know what
Joe's famous for, right?

- Looking for Larry.
- Mm-hmm.

-Show him what it looks like.
Look for Karen.

Carly:
K-a-a-a-r-r-r-e-n-n-n!

-Carly, pull up a hot guy
on your phone, okay?

-Joe, what is your wife
focussing on, on that phone?

See if you can get somebody
to go over and spy for you

and report back.
Hmm.

You're jealous, right now,
but you don't have the gonads.

Mm, the stones.

You don't have the stones to go
over and look yourself.

So... I'm pretending
we're talking.

So, see this woman right here?
That's my girl, right there.

That's my girl, and
she's all into her phone,

and I don't know
what she's looking at,

and I don't have
the stones to ask her.

So could you just take a look

and let me know
what's on her phone?

Thanks. I don't have the stones
to do it. Just take a peek.

Just take a peek,
I got no stones.

Excuse me, miss.
I don't have the stones.

Murr: He's stoneless.

Could you go take a look
and just tell me

what she's looking at
on her phone?

- I don't have the stones for it.
- Neither do I.

You don't, either?

Do you want to help me out
with something real quick?

See, that's my girl over there,
and she's looking on her phone

the whole time, and I don't
have the stones to...

- To what?
- I don't have the stones

to check on what
she's looking at.

Could you just
drive by and tell me

what she's looking at
and I'll meet you back here?

Just tell me what
she's looking at.

You look like you got
the stones to do it.

I don't got the stones.

So, did you want
to get bread crumbs?

Because there's
some bread crumbs...

- "Excuse me, miss?"
- Excuse me, miss?

"Excuse me.
Do you know any foods

that will make her fertile?"

Do you... do you know
any foods, off the t...

That would make her fertile?

I heard guacamole.

- I heard that, too.
- You heard guacamole?

"It's just that, when I blast
off, I want it to take."

It's just when I... hmm.

It's just when I blast off,
I want it to take.

Trying to get
a rover on Mars here.

How long have we been together?

"We've been together since
the day she turned legal."

Yeah, we've been together
since the d...

Q: Look at Joe!

Hey, it works.
It works.

You guys, that was uncalled for.

Murr: Gotcha.

Joe: There's
a lovely couple.

Sal, meet your new wife, Kim.
She's helping us out today.

Sal: Kim is one of the comedy
producers on the show.

Okay, let's get started.

Sal, you still think
dabbing's a thing.

Ooh, babe! I almost forgot
the pretzels! I'll go get them!

♪

Babe! Babe! Sourdough?!

Kim: Sure.

Murr: Dab, dab, dab.

Babe! Chips!

Quit the dabbing!
You're 42!

Sal, have a horrible
dabbing accident.

- Babe!
- Yeah?

- I'll get the bread.
- Okay, oh.

Joe: Sal, keep dabbing
from the floor.

Dab. Dab. Dab.

Enough with the dabbing!

Babe, do you want shells, too?
I'll make shells tonight.

Shells would be great.
Thanks, baby.

"Gross."

Gross. Like I could
eat her shells.

They're just...
She's a terrible cook.

"Oh, baby, I'm calling
your mom for her birthday

to wish her
a happy birthday."

Oh, baby, I'm calling
your mom for her birthday.

We got to wish her
a happy birthday.

Okay. Yeah, oh, I'll come over.
Put it on speaker.

Murr:
"My mom hates her guts."

Sal: My mother
hates her guts.

No joke.

I really think that your mom's
starting to like me, by the way.

Sal: Yeah. Me too.

"I'm so excited we're
gonna have a baby."

I'm so excited that
we're gonna have a baby.

Me too, babe.

Murr:
"I wish it wasn't mine."

I love her, but I wish
it wasn't mine.

Think about why I fell in love
with her in the first place.

So live in the past?

God bless.

Shae. This is amazing.

Joe: Ah, it's a dream
come true for Murray.

- Right? It really is a dream...
- You know what?

Actually, shae...
I think shae's too good for you.

- Oh, definitely too good.
- Definitely.

You know what?
Murr, do me a favor.

Break up with shae right now.
Break up with her?

Just tell shae
it's not working out.

Do you want to get some shrimp?

No, I-I don't... I didn't
want to do this here,

but it's... it's not
working out, babe, okay?

- What, the shrimp?
- No, no, not the shrimp. Us.

That... I mean,
that's fine with me.

- That's fine with you?
- That's fine.

Babe, wait!

"See ya later, you white
urkel-looking mother."

Shae: See ya later, you white
urkel-looking mother!

Joe: Murr, you don't
have a wife now.

Oh, you know what?
Good thing you have

the best wingman
in the business, right, buddy?

What's going on?

Ohh, my god!

Joe: Murr, you don't
have a wife now.

Oh, you know what?
Good thing you thing you have

the best wingman
in the business, right, buddy?

What's going on?

Ahhh! Ohh, my god!

Are you kidding me?!

Joe:
Let's see how you do

when your girl is
Tristin mays from "MacGyver."

I'm...

Hi, Tristin.
How are you?

I'm good.
How are you, Joe?

Just pay attention to
how naturally giddy,

geeky, and impish Murray becomes
throughout this whole thing.

- Right.
- He's got no game whatsoever.

You film in Atlanta?
I'm trying to make small talk.

I'm trying...

- You know she does.
- You know she does.

You know she does.

Do you like seltzer?

Sal: Go up to her
and go, "uppy, uppy,"

and she'll put you in the cart
and push you around.

Baby, uppy?
Baby, uppy? Uppy?

- Ready?
- Uppy.

All right. Come to mama.

Okay, okay, uppy. Uppy.
Uppy. Uppy.

Tristin: All right.

Sal: She's clearly
recording them.

Tristin, turn to this
woman and say, "are you
recording my man?"

Wh... are you recording my man?

- Oh.
- Okay.

She doesn't know
she's on the show.

So she thinks she just
got nailed by Murray's
real-life girlfriend.

Joe: "I'm just kidding.
You can have him."

I'm just kidding.
You can have him.

This is my boo.

We just got married
like a month ago.

Yeah, no.
For real, for real.

Tristin. "I used to
be attracted to jocks."

I used to be attracted to jocks.

Now I'm settling.

Good sense of humor.

Right?

"He's no sal."

- He's no sal.
- Well...

Shae was right. You do look
like white urkel.

What? Come on!

Narrator: Joe got dumped
in a double down challenge,

making him tonight's big loser.

All right, all right!
Tonight, Joey's our big loser.

That's right, and, bud,
you're working the coat check

at a really swank event,

right here at
230 fifth rooftop bar.

Working the old
coat check. Gotcha.
That's it.

Everybody loves
the coat-check room.

- Everybody loves it.
- There's more to it.

- Yes.
- Hold for it.

- Hold.
- Gotcha.

Here's where we swipe?

That's a...
That's a nice jacket.

Oh, thank you, boss.

Q: Just keep
checking jackets, Joe.

Keep checking jackets.

Did you want to leave
the bag, as well?

- Joe's been working.
- Working hard.

- Yeah, working too hard.
- Too hard.

Enjoy your evening.

Let's, uh... let's get
to the punishment, all right?

Let's do it.
Let's do it, finally.

Murr: All right, well,
danye's gonna give
you somebody's jacket.

Q: Just slip
that bad boy on.

All right. So, bud,
see the curtain?

- This one here?
- Yeah, walk on through it, bud.

Come on, buddy.
Just walk on through.

Yep.
Here we go, boys.

Joey, you're actually the only
model at a real fashion show

for the designer happyfish.

Sal: Yeah, except
everything you're modeling

is every person's coat
you just took.

Murr:
The fashion show has begun!

Murr:
The fashion show has begun!

Sal:
Everything you're modeling

is every person's coat
you just took.

That's it, baby.
Work that!

Ahh! Already! Already!

Q: Look at him. Look at the guy.
That's his vest.

All right, Joey, come on.
Show me the next hot look.

♪

Hey!

No, no! She's upset!

Sal: Wow. The air
of confidence he has.

Guy's trying to get the...

Guy's trying to grab
the coat from him.

- Work it, work it.
- Keep it sexy.

Joe:
Nobody checked pants.

"Nobody checked pants."

♪

Sal: Throw it down
with authority.

Murr:
They are dumbfounded.

You may get torn apart
out there, bud!

So far, none of these
have been cheap jackets.

No, they have not.

Joe, start dumping every coat
at the end of the runway.

Joe:
You, guys.

- I got to do every coat?
- Every coat.

We want a pile
at the end of the stage.

Sal: These people
are in disbelief.

Sal: He taking a photo
of the coats?

Well, that guy
just called it genius,

so maybe we're
onto something here.

There you go.
Keep it going.

Sal: Joe, hit the...
Like a t-Rex.

Q: Dump that coat
and get back out there, man.

- Look at him. He's magnificent.
- Add to the pile.

Joe:
I'm done with this one!

Q: Give me
the squatty potty.

What a maniac.

- Look at Joe!
- Joey, give me an eagle.

I wanna see an eagle.
There. There's my eagle.

Yes.

- Two jackets!
- Ohh!

Oh, you didn't see that sh*t!

You didn't see that!
That's level!

They're all on his side.
That's crazy.

- Ohh!
- Yeah!

Q: Yes!

No one told you to take
your shirt off, but you are.

No one has to tell me.
I'm fierce.

- You boys ready for this one?
- This is the coat I want to see.

The person whose coat this is

is definitely noticing
that's their coat.

Oh, there's no
mistaking this one.

- Ohh!
- Oh, my god.

♪

Q: I did not see this happening.
This is unexpected.

Joe: My knees.

That's... that's
what I was expecting.

Murr: Throw that jacket down
on the ground, buddy.

Here we go.

Joe, can you swing the jacket
around before you drop it?

- Ohh!
- Ohh!

- That is probably a $5,000 coat.
- Yeah.

Guys, how many coats
are we doing here?

- -Well, you collected 77.
- -Ah.

- - Joe.
- Oh, there he comes!

You wanna throw those coats
on the floor, Joe.

Just drop 'em on the floor.

Sal: Oh, my god.
Look at the crowd.

They're laughing, and now
they're getting annoyed.

I'm so sorry.
And someone's scarf.

Number 56?

"We are not responsible
for lost or damaged items."

We're not responsible for
lost or damaged items.

24?

Q: All right, Joe.
Good job.