08x05 - Blue Man Dupe

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up,
is murr the real deal?

I'm evander holyfield.

Huh?

What's got sal catching shade?

And which losing joker
will have the blues

in tonight's punishment?

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr: Like a boss!

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

I'm flush with cash on account
of my grandpa's m*rder.

Today we are at the supermarket
telling strangers

that we should pay
for their groceries.

Except the weird reason
we should pay for the groceries

is gonna be given to us
by the other guys.

If the customer doesn't
let you pay, you lose.

And we're all using
Murray's credit card.

Yes, that's right.

Yes.

Q: Here he goes.

How's your mood?
Getting much better.

Getting better with every bite?

Much better.

I came in a little cranky
this morning.

Ain't nothing a cupcake
can't cure.

I never, ever see you
in a bad mood to begin with,

but it's good to know that
if I do, just an abundance of...

I-I mean, just... just, guys,
this is all gatto's

to be eaten today
while we sh**t for two hours.

And these.
Don't forget these.
All of it is his.

And don't forget these.

All right, murr, here we go.

You know what?
You... you should let me pay.

Really?
Yes.

You should let me pay.
Why?

"Yeah, I guess
you don't recognize me."

I'm sorry, you don't...
You don't recognize me?

No.
"I'm evander holyfield."

I'm evander holyfield.

Huh?

The heavyweight-champ boxer.

He got his ear bit famously
by Mike Tyson.

He... I, I, I!

I... I got my ear bit famously
by Mike Tyson.

"I'm black."
"I'm black."

I'm... I'm black.

Aren't we all a little bit
evander holyfield,

when you think about it?

I don't know
who vander holyfield is.

Evander holyfield is
inside of all of us.

Okay.
Can... can I?

Yes? I can?
Yeah, I mean...

Yeah!

Here we... I got this one.

Thank you.
You got it.

My pleasure.
That's so nice of you.

And James Murray is the name
on the card.

Joe: Murray's back in.

All right.
I got one
that he won't do.

Mm.
So we can shut this down.

You know, I-I should
pay for that.

If... if...
If it's cool with you,

I should pay for that.

Why?

"Don't be a little b*tch.
Let me pay."

I'll tell you what.

What?
Don't be a little b*tch.
Let me pay.

- Ooh!
- Wow!

Let me pay.

Are you sure?
I got it.

Come on.
You ain't no little b*tch!

Let's do it!

He turned it on you.
Jesus!

I got you.

"Peace out, you big b*tch."

Peace out, you big b*tch.

Joe: All right, murr,
good work, buddy.

Murr: All right, Joey.

Yeah, I should...
I should pay for that for you.

Really, oh, you sure?

Yeah, yeah, I should.
Why?

"'Cause want to show you
that I can be a good provider."

'Cause I...
'cause I want to show you

that I could be a good provider.

That would mean
we're good, right?

Good?

Who provided?

All right, fair enough.
Fair enough.

Come on, here we go.

All right, the lady behind you.
Lady behind you.

You know, is this yours?

I should get this for you.

I'll just get it for you.
- Nah.

No, I should get it for you.
No, it's okay.

- No, sure, I should.
- Why?

"I'm flush with cash on account
of my grandpa's m*rder."

You know...

Yeah, I'm flush with...

I'm flush with cash on account
of my grandpa's m*rder.

Oh.
Yeah.

So, I mean, I'm just...
I'm doing the right thing.

"Somebody k*lled
the old coot, really."

Yeah, yeah, somebody k*lled
the old coot. It's fine.

No further questions.
We're all set?

Yeah.
Great.

I don't want to say
it's you guys,

but I'm at 100%
after all that pastry.

I turn, um, 43 in two weeks.

Two weeks.
Two weeks.

What's it like up there
at your age?

I'm doing great.
Every... everything's fine.

I'm not at all falling apart.

I have an ear ache, a body ache,
a tailbone problem.

I'm running to the dentist
in an hour

'cause I have an abscess
in my tooth.

It took eight seasons for me
to become the healthy one.

Nobody would've called that.

The Vegas odds on that
would've been through the roof.

What the is he talking about?

I'm the healthy one!

- Here we go.
- All right.

Oh, you know what, sir?
I-I should get that for you.

I should pick that up for you.

Really, I owe it to you.
Why?

"I'm trying to juke the numbers
on this non-profit I'm running."

I'm trying to juke the numbers
on this non-profit I'm running.

So I need a lot of expenses,
you know what I mean?

All right.
All right, yeah.

Way to go!

They're never gonna
cure that now.

That guy don't give a sh*t
about non-profits.

What?
This is Murray's card.

Why does it keep
getting rejected?

I don't know.

Sometimes, like,
the machine... it acts...

Yeah, but it's just saying
"deadbeat."

All right, q.

I really should pay for that,
actually.

"I want to make all the other
milfs up in here jealous."

I just...

I want to make all
the other milfs in here jealous.

So, why don't you just let me
pick that up with this one.

All right, I didn't think so.

I wouldn't either.

Q, turn around get
that guy behind you.

- Yeah.
- Hey, what's going on, man?

How are you?

Could I buy that for you?

I really should pay that...
For that.

I'm trying to make all the other
milfs in the store jealous.

Sal:
Oh, they're together?

All right, well,
you can go first, then.

Are they to... are they together?

They're together!

Oh, no.

They're together.

Get out... look at him.

He can't get out of there
fast enough.

Oh, my god.

That was weird!

Wh... what is the pin?

6242.

It's not...

He just doesn't learn.
He's so stupid.

Hop in, sal.
You know what?

Hold on.
I should pay for it.

I should pay.

"I should. I plan on using you
as an alibi later."

I plan on using you
as an alibi later.

Yeah, it's not... I-I just...

It's a nice time stamp
on my card that I was here.

You won't be involved.
Yeah, why not?

Have a free lunch on my alibi.

God bless.

Ah, no, no, let me get it.
Let me get it.

You... that's crazy talk, okay?

You don't have to be my...
Let me do it for you.

- Yay, sal!
- Hey!

Thank you. I didn't do anything.
You saw me here.

Regular guy, just...

1:19 P.M.

You saw me right here.

That's it.
Thank you.

"Not guilty.
Not guilty."

Not guilty, so...

Murr: All right, buddy.

♪

You know what?

I should pay for that.
I should pay for that.

Really, I should pay for it.

No worries.
Let me pay. Let me pay.

Please, I-I should.

"'Cause you're a ginger."

"'Cause you're a ginger." Me pay.
Please, I should.

Ah, that's not fair.

An opportunity presented itself.

This isn't cherry.

Excuse me.
Sorry, sorry.

Narrator: Q and sal couldn't
pick up the tab,

so they're headed
to the loser board.

Today, we're at New York
consumer center

reading out text messages
to strangers.

Except the embarrassing texts

have been written
by the other guys.

The goal is to get that stranger

help you write
a reply to the text.

If they don't, you lose.

Did you read the, uh, text
I sent you last night?

No.
Oh.

♪

I-I got to say it.
Sal, your hair looks
fantastically good today.

Joe: It's a good day.
It's a good day for your hair.

- Holy, right?
- It's a good day upstairs.

If I had hair like that...

It's also no gray in sal's hair.

Notice that?
Not a speck.

Well, he dyes it.
Sal, the dye job,
you can't even tell.

Here it comes.

I just got a text.

Murr:
What does it say, buddy?

"Hey, hero! How's it going with
volunteering in Haiti?"

What?

Sal vulcano,
currently not in Haiti at all.

"Haiti great.
I love it.

I don't 'Haiti' it."

What an a*s.

I told some friends I was going
to volunteer in Haiti,

but it all fell through,
so I just told them I was there.

What is that buddy?

"You never sent
those pictures you promised.

Send me a picture of you
and a Haiti guy."

If only there was someone
that could help.

Is there a chance
that you are Haitian?

That's kind of close, I mean...

Oh, but wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, hold on.

You don't have to be Haitian
to live in Haiti.

Of course.
They have immigrants.

We could be in Haiti.

You could just be my friend
from Haiti, right?

No.

Well, maybe I could just
send one by myself, like...

Oh, maybe this looks...
Is this...

Maybe they'll think
this is from Haiti.

Oh, oh, this is good.

Can you take...
Can you take the photo?

Thank you so much.

Just crop out any...
Any drywall.

So it just looks like
I'm in the...

That's what Haiti looks like?

Oh, perfect, dude!

Thank you.
That looks better.

Yeah, that does.

All right, sal!

Well done, buddy.
Well done.

That's a...
That's a thumbs-up from Haiti.

I'm Steve, by the way.
What's your name?

Steve.
I'm Joe.

Good to see you.
Nice to meet you.

Here we go.
All right, Joey.

Oh, is that a... is that a text?

Maybe you should read it
out loud?

"I was able to locate
the subject.

She seems healthy.
Married. Two kids."

Perfect, thanks.

"Perfect, thanks."

Just to have the nice
weather year-round.

It was so weird, like,
at christmastime...

Oh. Ah.

Murr: Oh.

"How do you want me to proceed?
Again... very healthy."

Mmm, I guess with caution.

Sal: This guy's frozen
looking forward.

"So, to be clear..."

Q:
He's listening, Joe.

"So, to be clear, you want me
to k*ll this lady

and her two children?"

I write back,
"nerf g*n games have no rules.

I'm gonna win
the whole pot."

Oh!

Whoa.

You ever play one of those nerf
g*n games where you have to,

like, hunt people and stuff?
Yeah.

Yeah, and there's this woman
that I've been tracking,

and you're supposed to k*ll
all the "witnesses"

with the nerf g*ns, you know?

It sounded like
a good excuse at first,

but now it sounds weird.

The... oh, okay, new text
just came in.

All right, okay.
So, "great idea.

In case anyone finds our phones.

'Nerf' g*n."

"I gotcha.
Wink wink."

That's... that was smart,
actually.

"Loud and clear.
Boom, boom, boom.

Three down."
Oh.

I should tell them... what...
Should I tell them

at least "good job"?

Sure, that's fine.

"Good work, sn*per Steve."

Nerfed.

Q: Well done.

Which, uh,
group are you here for?

I have no idea.

Okay.

Joe: Great.
Great ice breaker.

Q: Nice one, bud.

Okay, so, I'll go first.
All right.

The best is that citymd
is fantastically fast...

Excuse me one second.

It's so fast.
It's great.

"Did you threaten
our daughter's boyfriend?

What's your problem?"

I think he's a jerk, honestly.

You know, he's one of these,
just, a-a loser kind of guy.

So, he was over...

Oh, he's...

Um, he's nine years old.

You know...

They're kids.
It's...

It's her first "boyfriend,"
you know what I mean?

But he's a jerk, this kid.

Let's make it a little weirder.

Gosh.

He... ugh, he...

The texts are just
still coming in.

Ke it a little weirder.
Gosh.

He... ugh, he...

The texts are just
still coming in.

"He told us you showed him
your muscles and abs."

Well, I was trying
to intimidate him a little.

I wanted him to know
that I'm a father.

It's my daughter.

You know.

Oh, god.

I can't believe I'm going
through this.

"Stop pre..." ah, come on.

"Stop pretending you care about
how he treats our daughter.

You're upset he called you

'white urkel'
and we all laughed.

It was funny."

I don't look like white urkel.

You know urkel from
"family matters," right?

I do?!

Urkel didn't have abs.

I have abs.

What should I write back?

How about that?

I'm sorry?

"I'm sorry.
I won't do it again."

He gets the help!

Thank you.
I appreciate the help.

Joe: Well done.

All right, q, here we go, buddy.

Oh, oh.

Text just came in.

"School just dug up
our time capsule."

- Oh, cool.

"and apparently it was
very problematic."

What?

Wow.

Oh, uncool.

Oh, that's not cool at all.

We... when I was
in high school, we...

We all put stuff
in a time capsule.

Really?

And then today, I guess
they dug it up,

and they're saying
it's problematic.

I don't even know
what that means.

Maybe somebody
put something in there

that they shouldn't have.

Oh.
He's got something cooking.

I got it.
I got it.

Oh, what's this, q?

Let's find out.

"They found the comic book
you wrote mega offensive."

Murr: Ah, ah.

"Lazy Luigi
and schemin' Chang."

Yeah, that's right. Now
I remember those two characters.

Oh, my god.
That's the comic book you wrote?

Um, "well, it was 1994.

Times were different.

Who gets offended
by a comic book?"

I mean, right?
Yeah.

"Principal Chang."

He got offended.

"And vice...
And vice principal Luigi."

Okay.

I mean, it was harmless jabs.

"Even more so,
they are upset about..."

I forgot about that scene.

You're not playing away
at this point.

Ooh, I'm gonna try and work
my way through this.

So, a typical scene...
- Mm-hmm.

Would have principal Chang
and vice principal...

It was the '90s.
It was a different time.

What's the text they wrote?

Well...

I'm... I'm not gonna be able
to get through this one.

Joe: That's the face of a loser
right there.

Narrator: Q got his texting
privileges revoked,

making him tonight's big loser.

Hey!

So, q is our loser,
and for his punishment,

we came to one
of the longest-running

shows in New York...
Blue man group.

Let me ask you guys a question.
You ever had a show,

and you're sitting
in your seats,

and then some jerk comes up

and claims you're sitting
in their seat,

and then demands you get up?

Tonight, buddy,
you're that jerk.

I'm just a weirdo going to...
Going to shows by myself?

Yeah.
Hey, I love going
to shows by myself.

Eat by myself, go to
the movies by myself.

That's 'cause
you're not very friendly.

No, you can, uh... we'll...
don't touch me.
Don't touch me.

There are many different ways
to be a jerk.

Sal: Yes.

Q: Oh, man.

Q's gonna try all of them.

All of them.
That's right.

Q, you see the...
This woman sitting and standing?

Joe: Oh, you mean the woman
who's comfortably settled

into her seat?
Yeah, she's in
your seat, buddy.

♪

Excuse me.
Yeah.

Um, I'm sorry.

Do I look like a-a jerk to you?

No.

Then why would you
be sitting in my seat?

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
I can't...

Ohh!

Murr: Q, she's in
your seat, buddy.

Excuse me.
Yeah.

Um, I'm sorry.
Do I look like a-a jerk to you?

No.

Then why would you
be sitting in my seat?

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
I can't...

I don't think
we're in your seats.

Jj105?

Oh!

Oh, my god!

Murr: Okay, q,
recognize the error.

Joe:
What time is it?

Oh, 2:00 P.M.

Murr:
You had matinee tickets!

I had matinee tickets.

Oh, wow!
Oh, my god!

Q, that was...

Oh, my god, it sucks.

Ff112, buddy.

- Four women, lovely women.
- Four lovely women.

It's a girls' night out, guys.

Girls night out,
going to see blue man group.

- Oh, yeah.
- Remember you're a jerk.

This is ff?

This is row ff?
We're in ff.

Yes, sir.
'Cause I got ff112.

- This...
- It's a group of four.

It's a group of four,
so he thinks his ticket

is in the middle
of a group of four.

Yeah, who's in 112?
Who needs to gets stepping?

I can't...
I can't even take this.

Gets to...

Something is wrong.

I just want my seats.

Let's see
the ultimate jerk move.

This is... I'm gonna throw up.

Okay, I'm 1-112, you see.

And, uh, you know,
I don't have a husband

to pay for my tickets for me,
so I paid for this.

Oh, my god!

Ff112.
What's... oh, it's...

"my ticket's march 1st."

Oh, march... this is for march.

It feels horrible.

I do not envy you
right now, buddy.

Wow.

All right, buddy.

P101... we want 'em out.

This is like battleship, almost.

Yes.

Murr:
I need 10% more jerk.

Well, I don't care
how well-dressed you are.

I'm gonna need you to shoo
because this is my seat

right here.

Your next coordinates... ll107.

Q, I-I think you can be
a bigger jerk, still.

- Yes.
- Bluetooth.

- "Hey, Bluetooth."
- Bluetooth dude.

Hey, Bluetooth,
what seat you in?

Yeah, that's my seat.
Ll 107.

Yeah, that's my seat.

Joe: He...
He's just laughing you off.

- - C8. "You're in my seat.
- Get the up."

Oh, my god, I can't take this.

Get the up.

Oh, man.

Oh, god, I can't take it.

Here we go.

We're looking to sink
q's battleship here.

All right, buddy, nn110.

Murr: That's big red
there, buddy.

Big red.
- Our friend big red.

Q: Oh, my god.
Big dude, big dude.

Shut your mouth.
Get in there.

Hurry up.
It's almost show time, buddy.

Let's go.

This is the last one, q.

No...

110.
- Here we go. Here we go.

Big red.

Psst, psst.
Chop, chop, ándale.

You're in my seat, bro.

Sleeping bag.

Sal: Oh!

This guy's having
no part of it at all.

Over it.

"Oh, my tickets
are tomorrow."

What's today's date?

- Oh.
- Oh!

- Chop, chop, bye-bye.
- I think you got a problem.

Joe: Chop, chop!

Wow.

That was painful.
It was hard.

I'm glad it's over.

The whole theater thinks
I'm a as*h*le.

All right, one last thing.
We got you a seat.

It's actually a103.

Ignore everyone in ponchos
around you.

Yes.

Blue man group are known for
making a mess of their audience.

We are a go.

♪

No!

Oh, aah, really hit me
with the...

♪

This guy looks like a blast.

"I should pay for you.
You look like a blast."

Here we go.

You know what?
I should pay.

I should pay for yours.
I should pay.

"'Cause you look like
a real blast."

'Cause you look like
a real blast.

I should really pay
for that for you.

No, it's good.
I really should.

It's good.
No stress.

It's just...

"I want your last day on earth
to be a good one."

It's your last day on earth.
I want it to be a good one.

Yeah, it was "the...
The adventures of, uh,

lazy Luigi and schemin' Chang,"
and...

And I-I guess, really, what you
have here is a lazy Italian

and a really untrustworthy
Chinese man.

They'll forget about it.

I feel like
it's gonna live forever.

Especially the amount of times
that they air this.

It's always on a marathon.

People... like, Thanksgiving,
Christmas, Saturdays.

They're trying to pump out
those, uh,

"Adam ruins everything" episodes
as fast as possible.

Andrea savage's show "I'm sorry"

is on Wednesday nights,
but the problem is that

I think they only have
12-episode seasons.

We do 26, so just the amount of
"impractical jokers" episode

there are just goes on
and on and on.

"Those who can't"
is back for season 3.

And then, of course,
you always got "carbonaro."

"Carbonaro effect."

- Uh...
- Yeah.

- Uh, you can come with me.
- Oh, okay, thank you.

Uh, season 1 of "impractical
jokers" is on Netflix.

Tru is really working out
a really nice programming block.

It's gonna be great.

♪ Da-na-na-na ♪

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

So confused.