08x14 - Well...

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up...

Why are Joe and murr
embracing their curves?

Why is q sinking
sal's love boat?

Jason momoa should not be
his free pass in the marriage.

And which losing joker
will have his brain

scrambled in tonight's
surprise punishment?

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr: Like a boss!

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Q: "Chop, chop, chucklehead.
You gonna order today?"

Today we are working
tag-team style at outro cafe

where we have to do
and say whatever we're told.

We'll be split
into teams of two.

One of us will be working
behind the counter

while his teammate watches
and waits patiently in the back.

That's right, and if you get
asked to do or say something

that you don't think you can,

you can tag in your teammate
to bail you out.

If neither of you guys
can do it, your team loses.

Tag.
It's not in sync.

It's gonna be fun.

♪

Sal:
So, q is my partner, right?

So I sit back...
- Yep.

And I don't participate?

No.
You try to get q to lose.

If he feels like he can't say
anything, he can tag me in.

Yes.

I got to go take that same
direction and try to do it.

Yeah, but I may go and not need
sal at all and pick up the win.

That's true, and also,
q, you could also just ask me

and I'll be very honest
with you from back here

if you should be tagging me in.

You should do that assessment
no matter what.

Hold on a second.
That should be a rule.

Seriously.
Yeah, no checking in.

You cannot check with your
teammate to see if they'll...

Yes, that's a good rule.
You're making rules
on the fly now?

Yes.
That's dangerous.

Well, I would like to make
a new rule.

Okay.
You can check in.

So, I'm just gonna be out here?

Yeah, you're in the worst
position for a win.

You know.

You know, we just got here,
it's, like, a nice day.

Like, why you taking shots
at me like that?

Hi.
How's it going?

Good luck, buddy. You can do it,
you don't need to tag.

Hey, q, say to the guy,

"you should order like a man,
not a millennial."

I, uh...
No, no, no! No, no!

No!
Don't you dare.

I would do your best
on that one.

Smoked... okay, okay.

Yeah, that's fine.
I would just say, you know...

Oh, god, I can't even take it.
This is too hard.

I couldn't hear you.
I'm sorry.

I'm always saying,
you know, like,

"order like a man,
not a millennial," you know?

Oh!
Oh!

Way to go, partner.

I'm always saying stuff
like that.

Murr: Okay, q,
ask what she wants.

But do you know what you want?

Can I get the zoodle pasta?

Sure, but let's not play
the race card.

Yeah, where's, uh...
How do I tag?

He's tagging you in.
He's tagging you in.
You're in, sal.

My associate's gonna...

Already?
Already?

Oh, my god.

What the?

Get up there.
Good luck, my friend.

Tell her not to play
the race card, buddy.

There he is.

All right, sal.

Come on, buddy, you got this.

He can't even step back there.

Did you guys need help?
Yeah. What do you want?

Oh, the zoodle pasta.

The zoodle pasta, sure.
Is it to go or to stay?

To stay.

You guys aren't racing
out of here?

- Nah.
- Okay.

Don't play the race card on me.

Oh, sly! Smart!
He did it!

Don't play that race card on me.

You got it.
Especially you.

He did it.

Q: Doing good, bud.

Hi.
How are you today?

- Hi. I'm good. How are you?
- Great.

Sal, just get caught
curiously staring down

the front of your pants.

This is an easy one, bud.
You got this.

Coming right up.

Joe: Go ahead, sal.

♪

Murr:

There you go.
Come on.

Oh! Oh!

Why is it over there?

Shout to your coworker,
"I blame Natalie."

I blame Natalie.

Look at her face.
So, reach in with your hand
down your pants.

Q: You got this, buddy.

♪

He's gone!

Where's he going?

Where is he going?
Sal, where'd you go?

I don't care what it is,
I'm just tagging you in.

I'm tagging you in
at this point.

Into what?

I'm just gonna tag you in
in a general sense.

That's not how I saw this going.

Joe: Oh, here you go.

Woman: Can I have
a cappuccino to go?

Oh, your outfit's hysterical.

A what?
A cappuccino to go.

A cappuccino to go?

Do you have oat milk?

- Oh, my god.
- You know what?

I'm gonna tap in
my friend to help you.

Don't even sit down.

Here he comes.

He's a lovely man.
You're gonna adore him.

Okay. Sounds good.
Great guy, great guy.

Very fashion-forward gentleman.

Alright.
Thank you.

Terrible tag.
Terrible.

- I know, I know.
- All right, sal.

Hi.
Your outfit's gorgeous.

Would you like
to sample the matcha?

Yes!

Love the jacket.
Woman: Thanks.

You're both fired.

Q: All right, murr.
Welcome to your shift, buddy.

How are you guys today?
Good.

Y'all taken care of?

- Yeah.
- Alright.

Oh, what a lovely mother
and son.

Good one, guys.

This is harder than I thought.

Um, you guys are a...

You guys are a lovely
mother and son.

Alright, murr.
Good work.

What'd you guys order?
Cappuccinos?

Germany.
Oh, you're from Germany?

Yes.
Alright.

Go, "prost!"

- Prost!
- Yeah, prost.

Zum wohle!

- Prost!
- Prost!

Q: Don't say anything
but prost now.

You're a prost machine.

The prost button
is broken, buddy.

Prost!

Prost!

Prost, prost, prost!

Prost!
Prost!

Do you know what prost means?

No.

It's like cheers.

Oh, hey.

Prost, like toast.
Cheers.

- Yeah.
- Cheers.

- Hey, fellas.
- Hey, fellas.

- Last night...
- Last night...

i "scheissed" my pants.

I "scheizered" my pants.

Prost!

Prost!

He's punching them.
You know what?

Go around and start tickling
them and just saying prost.

Just start tickling them
and alternate

between the word "scheizer"
and prost.

Prost!
Scheizer!

Prost!
Scheizer!

"Scheisse!"
prost!

What the hell am I doing?

Joe: Good job, murr.

Murr, no matter who walks
in the door next,

"chop, chop, chucklehead.
You gonna order today?"

Oh, boy.

Here we go.

Hello.

"Chop, chop."

Uh, tag. I'll be right there.
One second.

Tapped out.
Your in, bud.

Here we go.
"Chop, chop, chucklehead."

Oh, no, her friend
is there, Joe.

It just got harder.

♪

Oh, now her friend
is there, Joe.

It just got harder.

Chop, chop, chucklehead.
You gonna order today or what?

Oh, my god!

This one?
You got it.

You're so lucky.

Hi.
Did you need help?

- A mojito spritzer.
- A mojito spritzer.

Joe, get her to make fun
of some of your facial features.

It's hard to see over
this huge honker I have.

Yeah, but at least
you have a nice smile.

Look at my dumb, stupid...

Sal: She's got to mock
something on your face.

See my skin, how oily it is?

I have a nice tan.
You know what?

I got a friend
that actually is disgusting.

Hold on one second.
Tag.

Come on.

Son of a...

Joe: Go hairline, murr,
go hairline.

They're making your order
right now.

Do you see how bald I am?

You don't see how bald I am?

I'm bald as f.

It's not okay is the thing.

They're gonna lose
because we found

the nicest woman on the planet.

- That's right.
- Seriously, be honest with me.

I would look so much better
with a full head of hair

than as bald as I am.

Ferret... ferret face.

It's like narrow eyes and like
a kind of ferret-looking face.

I appreciate your compliments.

You know what, buddy?

We'll take making fun
of any part of your body.

Oh, tag me in, tag me in.

Joe's calling for a tag.

Wow!
Is that allowed?

I'm built
for this kind of insult.

Son of a...
Joe. I'll be right there.

She's too sweet.
There's nothing we can do.

She's got to make fun
of something.

Sorry.

Q: Geez.

This is Saint Teresa right here.

She's not gonna make fun
of anybody.

♪

Murr, if you want to double
team, I'd allow it for this.

Double team?
Can I double team?

Murray, just go.

Oh, he's tagging himself in.
The rules are mayhem right now.

Sorry.

"You've got a beautiful
round head."

I love this lady.

Badly.

It's insanely badly
how bald, right?

Wouldn't you say that?

She's got to make fun.

It's got to be
slightly derogatory.

Like, if you had to come up
with a Nick name for him

and a Nick name for me,
what would it be?

- Call me, like...
- Something really kind of...

Like, what would
a mean kid call me?

Um...

- Baldy!
- Baldy?

Um...

Both: Santa!

Baldy and Santa!
Baldy and Santa!

Baldy and Santa.

Q: Wow!
Well done, guys.

Narrator: Murr and Joe are the
tag-team champions of the world.

So sal and q
are on the loser board.

Oh, hello.

Today we're working at
food bizarre going head-to-head.

While we're working, we'll have
to convince shoppers

to relay bizarre messages
across the store.

We'll keep sending the same
customer back and forth,

relaying our messages until
they finally call it quits.

If a customer refuses to deliver
one of your messages, you lose.

Well, goodbye.

♪

Murr: Two friends working
so far apart.

So far apart, you just can't
hear each other, guys.

Oh, man.

Oh, q's working hard over here.

Sal, that's how it goes, yep.

Need help with anything?

Hey, are you going that way?

Would you be able
to do me a favor?

Alright, that's my
best friend over there.

We're not allowed
to talk to each other

while we're at work.

Would you mind giving him
a message for me?

Joe: I agree with his wife,
Jason momoa

should not be his free pass.

Could you... could you tell him
I agree with his wife.

Jason momoa should not be
his free pass in the marriage.

His free pass should not be
Jason momoa.

Yeah, should not be.

Thank you.

He knows that it is.
He doesn't like it probably.

He probably thinks
it shouldn't be Jason momoa.

Do you know who Jason momoa is?

The guy that plays aquaman.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, yeah, you know who
I'm talking about, right?

I mean, how you gonna turn
that down, you know?

Just tell him he doesn't have to
stick his nose in my business.

Tell him to stop
texting my wife, really.

He's coming back, q.

He doesn't care
about my opinion?

Could I...?

Oh, q's getting
some comradery with the guy.

Oh that's pretty good.

You know what?
He would love this.

Let him hear this...
Let him hear this, and tell him

he doesn't have a shot in hell
at getting aquaman in bed.

And let him hear that.
I mean, he's all you.

Ah, the message
is coming back, sal!

Six and six.
All good.

He's right, I love it.
Do you?

What did he say to me?

Okay, first of all,
first of all, like,

his choice is much better.

You know who his pass is?

I don't even want to know
at this point.

You ever see "judge Judy"?

Yeah.

I'm done with the conversation.

I know you're shopping, but if
you're going back over that way,

I just want to see if he still
can give me a ride home tonight.

A ride home?
Yeah, after work.

Oh, he made it
like a favor now.
Yeah.

All right, here he comes.

He's coming!

Tell him after the mess he made
in my car the last time, no way.

Sal.

Yo, sal.
Sal, sal.

"I know
you hear me, man!"

He said no.
No way.

Murr:
Get him back, get him back.

Alright, alright, if you are
passing him, though...

If you are passing him,

just high five him
on the way out.

Q wins!

Oh, wow, an epic battle
of good versus evil.

Wow!
Well done, gentlemen.

Wow!

You going that way?

Do me a solid. I can't talk
right now with my friend

'cause I'm working
and the manager gets mad.

Do you mind just saying
something to my guy right there?

Could you just tell him...

Just straight up,"
you and your family."

What do I tell him?

Could you just tell him,
straight up,

"you
and your family."

Just tell him that.

Thanks.

Who? Oh, my buddy, Joe?

You know what it is?
Security busts.

See, the manager's
all over us, so...

What'd he say?
What?

Who?

Everybody.

What's your name, buddy?

Francis.
Francis? James, man.

Nice to meet you.
Do me a favor.

- - He said everybody?
- He said everybody?

- - Go back and tell him me?
- You. Tell him, okay?

Thank you, Francis. Go, go right
now. Right now. Right now.

It's kind of got
to be right now.

Francis, real quick.
It's gonna be fun, man.

It's gonna be fun.

This is desperation, man.

Go get him right now.
Go get him, come on, come on.

Just do it. Just come on.

Help me out.
Help a brother out here.

No, no, no, no,
it's got to be right here.

It'll be fun to do exactly
what I want you to do.

It'll take one second.
Do me a favor, buddy.

It'll take one second.
Francis?

Oh, my god, I'm uncomfortable
how desperate he is.

It'll take one second.
Do me a favor.

Francis, come here.

Down in flames!

Francis, it's fun.

Oh, I guess me.

And your family.

- Francis?
- Excellent, that was great.

That was perfect.
We got it.

Yo, come here.
Come right here.

Murr, let that go.

Francis, come here.

Psst.
- Hold on a second, guys.

We almost called this whole
thing and murr

has gone down the aisle
trying to get his guy back

to deliver a you message.

Just go tell him the message.
Come on.

He's relentless.

He's relentless.

- - Just go tell him, " me?
- You."

Oh, my god.
Oh, my god!

Bro, he's back in.

I'm back from
the dead, gentlemen.

- Holy crap!
- Oh, my god!

Just go tell him,
"me? You."

Oh, my god.
Q: Oh, my god!

Bro, he's back in.

I'm back from
the dead, gentlemen.

Oh, my god.

Hey.
He said he loves me?

Oh, that's great.
Tell him I love him, too.

Thanks, pal.

Oh, my god!
All that work for nothing!

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Tell him for me.
My man. My man, tell him for me.

Holy crap!
Oh, my god!

The roller coaster of emotion.

I've never seen this before.

He's going. He's still there,
he's still there.

He's still there,
he's still there.

Oh, he's back.

Sal: Here he goes!
He's back out of the aisle!
Q: Oh, my god!

I love this.

Dude, I love this.
Go watch down there.

I saw it down there.

He loves me, too?

Oh, you are done!
You are done!

Do me a favor.

Tell him he's the best friend
in the world.

Go tell him that he's
the best friend in the world.

Tell him he's my best friend
in the world.

Murr, you literally have to put
him in a Boston crab right now.

Francis, Francis, no, come on!

Come on!

It's over!

- Come on!
- That was a rough loss.

You worked so hard
to lose again.

How many times
do you want to lose?

Damn it.

Sal: Intense.

Narrator: Sal's definitely
getting this message.

He's tonight's big loser.

So, sal is today's loser,
but he does not know it yet.

He thinks we're sh**ting
a challenge today,

but it's actually
gonna be his punishment.

Over the years,
we have catalogued

all of sal's fears and phobias.

Yeah, so what we're gonna do
is basically t*rture him

without him realizing it

and pretending
it's all coincidental

until he drives himself insane.

I'm so excited.
I am so excited!

- Here we go.
- Okay, here we go.

Urban bungee.
You're not getting that are you?

- - No, no, no.
- What the is that?

- Let's focus up.
- Okay.

And 3, 2, 1.

Today we're in the streets
going up to strangers

and giving them
some lessons about manners.

All: Well...

Don't give me that.

Is this a joke?
I mean...

Oh, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

You got the urban bungee
right there, sal.

Q: We have
safety harnesses.

I cannot believe
this is happening to me.

I cannot.

We're kidding, we're kidding.

I'm not doing that.

No. Keep going.

Yo, we can't let
that opportunity slip.

Producer: 3, 2, 1.

Today we're in the streets
approaching strangers

and giving them lessons
about manners.

All: Well...

'Cause it's right there.

It's right there.

I mean, you're, like,
looking at it.

I mean, it's right there.

Joe: How are we not using
urban bungee.

I'm not... look at his face.

We're joking.
We're joking. We're kidding.

I'm not laughing,
I'm getting so frustrated.

Today we're in the streets
going up to strangers

and giving them lessons
about manners.

If you can't successfully
tell someone

how to live their life,
you lose.

Joe: All right, sal,
you ready for your turn?

Let's do it.

Hey, gents, what's really
going on today?

So, we have our list.

Yeah, so we did
the cherry picker.

We did the bungee jump.

And we just continue down
the list of ways

to mess with sal.

Sal, this guy's got no tie on.
That's not nice.

Excuse me.

Suit jacket, no tie?

Q: Whoa!
You know, those sneakers

are jumping off
the screen right now.

They really are.
Alright.

Don't stand next
to that wet cement

being poured in front of you.

Yeah, that'd be like a
punishment if you had nice shoes

on and you had to
walk through...

All: Well...

Maybe you have to walk
through the wet cement

with your brand
new shoes, buddy.

Guys...
You see it right there?

You see that guy pouring cement

for no reason on union square
in New York City?

Can I just say a couple things?

I also noticed him,
and I noticed

that it was very peculiar.

So, sal, all you have to do
is step into the wet cement

and then walk over to the bungee
thing and get on it.

Those shoes are toast.

I'm just kidding.

We're screwing with you, buddy.

This is amazing.
We're f'ing with you.

Okay.
Oh, my god.

Okay, so I'm just gonna go back
out and do this regular bit?

All: Yes.

Yeah, yeah.

Alright, ready, boys?

Oh, what's that right
behind you?

There's a truck in the shot.

What is that,
a cat adoption going on?

A cat adoption truck?

Joe:
What's that right behind you?

Q:
There's a truck in the shot.

What is that,
a cat adoption going on?

Cat adoption truck?

Guys, I'm gonna
need to know now.

All: Well...

Maybe, sal.

Maybe you've got to go
to that truck, pick up a cat...

Joe: Walk through the cement,
and then bungee jump.

Cat event.

I guess so.

Sal, it's really not
your punishment.

- I'm supposed to be here?
- Are you supposed to be here?

Sal, they're really having
a cat event, you idiot.

So, am I not supposed
to be here?

Man #2: Are you volunteering
with us?

No.
Are you here for me?

I am here because
we're doing an adoption event.

You dumb a*s,
it's the real adoption event.

Man #2: You want to help out?
We need help.

I do, I'll be right back.
I just got to clarify...

There's no way that this also
happens to be here.

They're here every week, buddy.
They're here all the time.

You're telling me
that the bungee jump,

the guy making blocks of cement
for no reason...

and a full-on cat adoption event

that is literally
called cat event...

I dig that cat.

You're telling me that all three
of these things

have nothing to do with me?

That's correct.
That's nothing, buddy.

Get back to the bit.

This is not a punishment for me?

No.
I'm sorry, buddy.

We see the stuff in the cameras
and we run with it.

Joe: You can go
to your bit now.

Man #3: Hey, yo, dude.
Hey, yo.

Yo.

Yo, sal.
Yo, sal!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's him.

- Oh, they're city workers.
- Hey, man. How are you?

Murr:
Is that manure?

God forbid, if you say that
I need to do it with manure.

All: Well!

Somebody tell me
what's going on.

Please, I'm gonna start crying.

Please, I'm gonna start crying.

Sal, why don't you go over

and help him out
with your bare hands.

Yeah, sal, why don't you
check to see

if they're doing their job.

See if there's maybe something
hidden in the manure.

Who knows?
Yeah, you here for me?

No, I saw you guys sh**ting.
That's cool.

Can we take a picture with you?

You're from
"impractical jokers", right?

Yeah, are you here for me?

Dude, he's a fan.

I'm not suppose
to touch this manure?

I'd prefer if you didn't.

I'm just so confused because...

Am I supposed to help
you guys with this?

I'm not here, man...
Do you guys not...

I don't know...
- look at how confused
they all...

They're park workers,
you dumb a*s.

All right, thanks, guys.

So, you're telling me that
on cue two barrels of manure

pulled up
and the cat Van pulled up.

Do I right now need to adopt
a cat, put my hands in manure,

cement my feet,
and jump off that bungee thing?

No, we're screwing
with you, buddy.

They're park workers, clearly.

Guys, I can't take it anymore.

Joe: Get back to the bit.

Sal, yell at the guy
in the restaurant

from across the way
to sit up straight.

Is that sal's father?

What a coincidence.

Wait, this means
this is a punishment.

No, it's not.

He goes, "that's not him,"

right after he just saw him
in the park.

You father's here in the park.

What are you doing?

What are you doing,
working here?

Come on.
I'm waiting for a friend.

Murr:
He's just here, buddy.

Get the...

Please stop.
What is going on?

Welcome to your punishment, sal.

That was it.
Psychological t*rture.

Am I done?