11x02 - Cell Block

[bunniefuu]

[ laughter ]

[ screaming ]

Let's just get this started.

Are you [bleep] kidding me?

Who's a good cat?

[ laughter ]

[ cymbals crash ]

[ clattering ]

[ chuckles ]

[ laughter ]

Today we're being interviewed
for a job

By unsuspecting employees

At the offices
of the bachrach group.

And not only do we have to do
and say what we're told,

But our résumés have
been written by the other guys.

The goal is to get hired
for the job.

If you do not get hired,
you lose.

Flannel?

[ laughs ] [ laughs ]

♪♪

Rolling? Crew member: Yes.

You unplugged? What have you
got... what have you got cooking?

I know that look. [ laughs ]

I've got a little surprise
for sal at the top of his turn.

At the top of the turn?
Yeah. I'll let you see it.

Alright, sal, we want
you to start in the corner,

On the phone.

You're having a conversation
with your baby momma, you know?

Reassuring her that
that she's your boo

And patricia means sh*t to you.

[ laughter ] oh, yeah.

I'm telling you, I
love you so much.

You're the only one for me.

I'm telling you, patricia
means nothing to you.

Oh, oh, hold on! Hi,
hi, hi. That's okay.

I will hang up right now.
I'll hang up right now.

Yeah, that's okay
and we'll need...

Oh, the résumé is in here. Yes.

I have to go right now, but
I want to tell you right now,

I don't know what you
saw, but I love you so much.

Okay. I love you. Bye.

Okay, I'm so sorry about that.

I was going
through a little thing.

Hi. Hi. How are you?

[ laughter ]

What did you do?

I cut the bottom
out of his chair.

[ laughter ]

Approved twice to officer.
Was that a permanent role?

The foam is on the floor.

The foam... the
foam's on the floor.

What kind of things
did you do there?

I'm a dis... I'm a...

Like, I've been
known to be disruptor,

Because prior to that, and
I didn't list this, but I was...

He's gonna start sweating soon,

Because he's holding himself up.

A blogger and a tech
savvy type of person.

So, I dealt with ceos,

I dealt with literally
chart-topping artists

And then...

This is more exercise
than sal's done in forever.

What are you
looking for in salary?

I would say I'm looking
to start at at least $80,000.

He's getting lower.
His seat keeps sinking.

So, did you do
any of that stuff?

Were you more like [indistinct]?

[ laughter ]

Just depending on, you
know, what the role is.

I mean, I think anything
like creative or in achieving.

Look at how low he's sat!

[ laughter ]

It says "senior executives"
and like, have you traveled?

The height difference!

I believe that was...
I think he's higher up.

Murr: He looks like
a mushroom cap.

[ laughter ]

I mean, look, if
you need anything,

I'm your man, you know?

Alright. Okay. Alright.

So, I'll walk you out.

Thank you. I think
the chair is not right.

I didn't want to
say anything during.

[ laughter ]

♪♪

Oh, sh*t!

[ laughter ]

Can you help me with
this? I'm stuck here.

♪♪

Murr: Go help him up.

Oh, my god! Can you get up?

Not my best
interview. [ laughter ]

Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.

Okay. Alright. You
know your way out?

Yes, I know my
way out. Oh, okay.

So?

[ laughter ]

Here. You have some notes?

Who did that? Who
did that? It was me.

I didn't know. Sorry.

Holy [bleep]
[bleep] dude! Sorry.

We have another
candidate and I want to,

Like, know what happened, so...

Yeah. Well, besides the
what happened, he's strange.

[ laughter ]

As far as, like, my
recommendation?

Maybe. Maybe.

Ah! Maybe.

Oh, alright. Not a "no."

I'll give a thumbs-up on that.
She had mercy on my a*s.

Wow! [ ding! ]

Murr: You know, q, you
look very sharp and polished.

You guys gave me a briefcase.

Since you look like such
a powerful businessman,

You might as well adopt
the powerful stance.

We want you to take the
whole interview standing up

In front of the chair.

[ laughter ]

Dale. Dale.

Hi. Hi, I'm dale.

Hi, man, nice to meet you.

Ditto. Ditto.

Alright, buddy. Is this
your résumé here?

That's my résumé.
Yes, yes. Okay, cool.

Want to get comfy?
Oh, I'm okay standing.

It's okay. Yeah. I
don't mind. Okay.

Thank you. [ laughs ]

Alright, dale, let's see. Yeah.

So, you made beer? I...

Yes, I made beer.

Sal: Tell them about the stats.

This is the only thing
on a résumé today

That is 100% accurate
and factual. [ laughs ] yeah.

Rubsam & horrmann
brewery on staten island.

It was called r & h
beer. It was delicious.

As it says here, yeah,

I poured tens of
thousands of my own dollars

Into a defunct staten island
beer brand. [ murr chuckles ]

I took full responsibility
for all operations,

Financials, production,

Hiring and subsequent
firing of all staff.

I did have to fire everybody
when the company failed.

Uh, I acted as my own attorney.

This is probably
why it went down.

[ laughs ]

It was a spectacular failure.

Okay.

The beer was great though.

[ laughter ] I can't
stress that enough.

And then in terms
of, like, now, like,

What types of opportunities
are you interested in?

Um... "how may
italians do you have?"

How many italians
do you have here?

A lot of italians here
in the company?

Uh, I don't know how
many, to be quite honest.

Okay. Oh, you guys don't...
you don't keep track of that.

Okay. Oh, I will
give this back to you.

"okay. Hold on. Let
me just give you this."

Open your suitcase, q.

Well, let me... I just want
to make sure I give you this.

There's a urine sample in there

That you can give
her for us please.

Yeah.

Okay.

I did bring a urine sample.

[ laughter ]

Oh! So, you know
what? You sit right there.

Okay. Well, can I stand?
Is it alright if I stand?

Sure. You can totally
stand. Okay. Thank you.

Murr: [ laughs ] q!

Sal: I've never seen
someone so shocked

And dumbfounded on this show.

Man: So? Hey, man, I
brought this... I brought this.

I didn't know if
you guys needed it,

But I brought a pee sample.
I don't think I need that.

Okay.

No, just put it down
and walk out. Just go out.

I'll just leave that
with my résumé then.

Alright. Okay, uh...

"full disclosure. There
is marijuana in the pee."

You don't even have to test.

There will be
marijuana in the pee,

But... but nothing else. Okay.

Thank you. Thank you.

[ laughs ]

If I had to tell my manager,
you would recommend...?

I would say "no."

[ laughter ] [ buzzer ]

Q: I just hit murray with the
surprise when he got here.

His suit is sewn to the seat.

What? How the hell did you
do it? Murr show him, show him.

I can't show you.

Only my arms are free.

Everything else is
sewed to the chair.

Can you lean forward
to shake her hand?

No. I'm sewn in. Murr,
are those flowers?

[ chuckles ] yeah. Those
are you gift for the interviewer.

Cuban, this is
frank. Hi. Hi, frank.

Frank: Hi. How are you?
Hey, buddy, how are you today?

Nice to meet you.
How's it going?

Sal: He's just gonna sit there.

Thanks for having
me for the interview.

So, that's for you.

And he pushes it.

I'm married. You're married?

[ laughter ]

Let's get down to business.

I brought a copy of
my résumé for you.

So, you're 1%
sub-saharan african?

[ laughter ]

Yes, I did one of
those dna test results,

And it says that I'm


I think we all are
though, you know?

I think I'm more than 1%.

[ laughter ] [ chuckles ]

So, I'm just looking
at your background.

You're a caddy.

Yeah, at the country club

I create a cheerful
supporting green environment.

I learned to read
weather patterns

And I dove for ba*ls ad hoc.

I've never heard of a
caddy diving for ba*ls.

Really? "sir, I will
dive for your ba*ls."

Sir, I'll tell you. I will
dive for your ba*ls.

That's how committed I am.

[ laughs ]

Let's talk about
the b*llet points.

You've been in over


[ laughter ]

Yes, sir. Explain.

I didn't want to
write, you know,

"body counts" on the résumé,
so I wrote "relationships."

Wow! Okay.

[ laughter ]

He goes, "wow!"

I was taught to put
details in your résumé

That would make you stand out.

Oh, you're standing out a lot.

[ laughter ]

Thank you so much for your time.

Oh, it's over? We're
done with the interview?

Great. Oh, yeah, it's over.

Alright, murr, get up, shake
his hand, and walk out.

Yeah. What...? Uh... [
chuckles ] what, um...?

Stop dilly dallying.

Get up, shake his
hand, and walk out.

We're done. So, thank
you so much for your time.

Okay. Well, anyways.

Ugh! [ cloth tearing ]

[ laughter ]

Q: Stop dilly dallying. Get up,
shake his hand, and walk out.

We're done. So, thank
you so much for your time.

Okay. Well, anyways...

Ugh! [ cloth tearing ]

[ laughter ]

Are you alright?

♪♪

Uh...

[ laughter ]

Alright. What the...?

Q: [ laughs ]

♪♪

[bleep] you. What did you do?

It was a little
breakaway suit, buddy.

Yeah. His suit is, like,
stitched to the chair.

I've never seen that.

[ laughter ]

And your gut reaction, like,

If you think I should
recommend him to get hired.

Yeah. I would not
recommend him for anything.

[ laughter ] [ buzzer ]

Narrator: It looks the only
place hiring q and murr

Is the loser board.

Today we're at morton
williams supermarket

With our "grandmothers,"

Giving out samples of
our two family sauces.

Nonna's sauce and
sunny's marinara.

While the shoppers
are tasting sauces,

The other guys are
gonna be forcing us to treat

Our grandmas horribly.

And after being an awful
person to our lovely nana,

We'll ask the customer which
sauce they'd like to take home.

If the customer
chooses nonna's sauce,

Despite the fact that
it's truly terrible, you lose.

♪♪

Alright, guys, I'm here
with candy, my nonna.

I apologize in advance

For what they're gonna
tell me to say to you.

You are lovely. You are
forgiven ahead of time.

Okay. There you go. Okay.

So, we've got two
difference sauces here...

Sunny's sauce and nonna's sauce.

So, murr, your sauce is actually
a gourmet sauce that was made,

And nonna's is actually just
like a blend tomato puree.

This is gonna be hard to do.

Hi, bud, how are you? Do
you want to try nonna's sauce.

You get to take home
whichever jar you like for free.

Candy, just say "mine's better."

Mine's better.

Murr go, "shh,
shh." mine's better.

Shh. Shh. Shh.

"mine, or the bag of bones'?"

So, you can either... you
can either choose my sauce

Or the bag of bones', you know?

Do you think I'm a bag of bones?

"I think you're a big
[bleep] bag of bones."

[ laughs ]

I think you're a big
[bleep] bag of bones.

Can we get back to the sale?

[ laughs ]

This is nonna's sauce,
she's been making all day.

If you like mine,
you get a jar for free.

Well, you get a jar of either
one for free, whichever.

But you can have this
one for free right now.

"nana, what the
[bleep] are you doing?"

Nonna, what the
[bleep] are you doing?

Let him choose.

Snatch it back. Snatch
it back out of my hand.

It's okay. No, no, no.

He doesn't get
it, nonna, for free.

What the [bleep] are you doing?

[ laughter ]

Now, marcel, you have a choice.

You can get a jar
of the sunny's sauce

Or a jar of the nonna's sauce.

They are free, either one.

I think nonna. Q: Nonna's sauce!

Nonna's sauce!

You want this old
bag of bones' sauce?

Sal: "who has to shut
the [bleep] up now?"

Who has to shut
the [bleep] up now?

[ laughter ] [ buzzer ]

Hey, you want to
try some sauce, sir?

"you'll try anything for
free? Come over here."

You'll try anything for
free? Come over here!

If you know what I mean.

Oh! [ both chuckle ]

"grandma, stop hooking
up with the customers."

Hey, grandma, grandma.

Oh, leave us alone, will you?

Grandma, stop trying to
hook up with the customers.

You're 97? Murr:
"she's 80, but looks 100."

She's 80, but she looks 100.

[ laughter ]

How can you take all that?

Well, he's my
grandson. Oh, okay.

Did you teach him
to behave like that?

I think it would be great if she
just sat her wrinkled a*s down

And let me conduct business.
Oh, my god, that's terrible.

[ laughter ]

This man's trying your sauce.

Okay. I've tried this one
now. Now I try another?

Alright. And then
this one's mine.

And then you just tell me
which one you like more

And you get to
bring that for free.

I think this needs
a little bit of salt.

Hers needs salt? Yes.

Your seasoning
kills. Your seasoning.

But... Right away,
yours needs salt...

You have to be careful
about how much salt you have.

I know. So, so...

Well, I miss it when I
taste it. You could always...

Why do you keep on and
on about the [bleep] recipe?

On and on about
the [bleep] recipe.

And I keep telling you,
"more salt, more [bleep] salt."

Why didn't you tell it
to her in a nice way?

Salt, salt, salt. You're
right, you're right.

Of course, of course.
Just put a little bit of salt.

Of course. Okay.

Just a little bit
of [bleep] salt.

No, not the [bleep],
just regular salt.

Just regular salt? Okay. Sorry.

Now, this is yours?
That's mine. That stuff is...

How is the salt in that?
Oh, the salt is perfect, man.

You know why? Because I
took her recipe and made it good.

Oh, okay. I'll try it.

Close your eyes,
you'll think it's sh*t.

[ laughter ]

Alright. So, sir, which
one did you like better?

Yours. You liked mine?

Sal: Oh! You see? He
likes mind, instead of hers.

You know why? Because
there's some salt content

Just [bleep] right on it.

[ ding! ] [ laughter ]

Sir, would you like
a free jar of sauce?

Yeah, we're just
doing a taste test.

This is my nonna.
Murr: Here we go.

"I get to go home when one
more person takes my sauce."

I get to go home when one
more person takes my sauce.

You're not... you know,
we're not going home.

We have to be here for
the shift, to give it all away.

I told you that. She just
complains so [bleep] much.

She seems very nice to
me. Very nice. Murr: Ah!

"nonna, lean back, get your
sloppy t*ts out of the sauce."

♪♪

This is my nonna. "nonna, lean back,
get your sloppy t*ts out of the sauce."

[ chuckles ]

Grandma. Lean back, grandma.

Nonna, lean back. Lean back.

Get your sloppy
t*ts out of the sauce.

[ laughter ]

"your grandfather didn't
think they were sloppy."

Your grandfather didn't
think they were sloppy.

[ laughter ]

Yes, she can.

Thank you, nana.

Thank you.

God bless you both.
Thank you. Thank you.

So, this is the deal.
This is so beautiful to see.

Take one of those,
yeah. Was that done right?

I'll stir, because
you keep getting

Your sloppy t*ts in
the sauce. Sit down.

"I have the tightest
bazingas of three counties."

I have the tightest
bazingas in three counties.

"the cowboys lined
up to see them."

The cowboys lined
up to see them!

"and I mean the cowboys,
the football team."

I mean, the cowboys,
the football team.

Alright, grandma!
She... what it is...

I did the cheerleaders, too!

[ laughter ]

Did 'em all.

[ laughter ] [ stammering ]

My grandmother [bleep]
the dallas cowboys

And two cheerleaders.

What am I gonna do?
I'm trying to sell the sauce.

"come on, limp
[bleep], sell the sauce."

Come on, limp
[bleep], sell the sauce.

[ laughter ]

Would you like a... would
you like a free sauce?

Alright. Both: Ooohhhh!

[ chuckles ] that's it, bud.

Thank you, sir. Alright,
that's one for you.

Nice try, limp [bleep].

[ laughter ] [ buzzer ]

Narrator: Murr and sal
were a little too saucy,

So murr is tonight's big loser.

Alright, murray's a loser!

Not just because he's
dressed like this. That's right.

You know how today
everybody has their heads

Buried in their phones? Yeah.

No. You want people to be in the
moment more, man. You don't like that.

So you're gonna go out there
and force every single person

That you see on
their phone off of it.

Oh, h*-h*-h*!

Q: Murr, are you in
character right now?

I guess so. I
feel like an idiot.

Somebody's gonna stab me, guys.

If you die dressed as a
hacky sack cellphone activist...

We're burying you with that.

It wouldn't be the
worst thing in the world.

Straight ahead. Oh, my god!

They're on their
phone right there.

Oh, my god, here we go.

Oh, my god!

Hang it up.

Ooooh! [ chuckles nervously ]

Sal: Straight ahead. They're
on their phone right there.

Oh, my god, here we go.

Q: Oh, my god!

Hang it up.

Get off the phone.
Just be in the moment.

Get off the phone,
right? I'm on the phone.

Don't you think? Just
get off. Be in the moment.

Q: Oh, oh, oh!

I'm just saying, be present
in the moment, right?

Because you're like...

[ laughs ]

Within 10 seconds,
a guy tries to k*ll you.

This is gonna go great.

What the [bleep]? Oh, my god!

By the way, like, you
didn't even succeed.

You have to be
a little stealthier.

That phone call
should have ended.

You know what? You're
not hippy enough for me.

Why don't you just
kick those sandals off?

[ sighs ] oh, god.

Ugh! Take a seat
for a second, buddy.

God!

Rub those bare feet.
Rub them bunions.

Yeah.

Oh, wait! The woman right
next to you is on the phone.

[ laughter ]

Alright, I'd like to see
one swooping motion.

Bam! You're off the phone.
You're off! I just hung up.

You have to be present
with me in the moment here.

[ laughter ]

You're addicted. It's
clear. The addiction is...

Because I'm one with nature.

[ laughter ]

Oh, there you go.
This woman right here.

Hang up the phone. You're
addicted to it. Hang it up.

Just, you're so addicted.

You can't even
see it. I can, clearly.

Am I the only
one that sees? Sir.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry,
ma'am. I will call right back.

I have no clue what's going
on in front of me right now.

[ laughter ]

Mind your business.

You don't even know what
kind of cloth you've got on.

It's african. You're
trying to be like us.

[ laughter ]

But aren't we having a
distinct human moment?

Isn't this so much
better than the phone

That you were just on, ma'am?

I was trying to help. I
wasn't doing anything.

[ laughter ] oh, sh*t.

Pull your phone out. Start
pretending to talk on it.

[ chuckles nervously ]

Yeah, hey, I'm gonna be,
like, a half hour late later.

I'm on a work call. One second.

But I need my phone.

I'm on a work... Yes!

Wait a second,
ma'am. I'm on a work...

I'm on a work call though.

But I'm...

But I'm on an
important work call.

This is, but this is... Just
one second, one second.

You're not even on the phone. One
second, one second, it's a work call.

They hung up. They hung up.

They hung up. [ laughter ]

Murr, see that
woman on the phone

Sitting on the bench
over there? Yeah.

Without a word, get this
woman to put her phone away.

♪♪

[ laughter ]

♪♪

[ laughter ]

♪♪

[ laughter ]

Murr, alright. Unplug
her charger then.

♪♪

There you go.

Oh, sh*t, murr! Oh! Oh!

Didn't know that.

Uh-oh! Uh-oh!

Oh, she's coming to you now.

Is she taking a
picture of you? She is.

[ laughs nervously ]

I'm about to go missing? Uh-oh.

[ laughter ]

Who wants to go kidnap murray?

Mike? Man: Get the
security guard to do it.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

What are you
doing?! [ laughter ]

I'm not gonna go missing!

I don't want to go missing!

She's outta here.

She's the one addicted
to her cellphone!

Are you kidding me?!

Murr, that's it, bud.
You're done. [ laughter ]