01x04 - Wellness Week

[bunniefuu]

We've constructed a paradise here...

but the world is still the world.

- Defib!
- I don't have a pulse.

Max. He's gone.

I spoke to the captain,
and if you wanted.

if you decided that you
would like to be an M.D.,

he will support you
for a full scholarship.

It was never real.

I was never in love with Avery
to begin with.

I think I just heard you
give me your inherent blessing.

Is it a bad idea?

Sleeping with a subordinate?

Alright, you scallywags.

The heat's on. Bets are in. Let's draw.

If this were Settlers of Catan,

I'm telling you...
whole different story.

Mm-hmm.

I'll trade two.

Two please, Cap.

So, we all jazzed for "Welles-ness
Week" with Bethany Welles?

I had to Zoom with her two weeks ago.

Bethany asked me,
the head of housekeeping,

to personally wash all the linens

in her own special detergent

made from pickled cucumber brine.

Aren't pickled cucumbers just pickles?

This woman is a wellness celebrity.

She has no idea about what we do,

and yet, for a week, we give her
the keys to the kingdom.

It's like putting a toddler
behind a Mack truck

and saying, "Happy trails."

Why on Earth would we give
this woman that much power?

Oh, naive little Dr. Odyssey.

There are exactly


Instagram followers.

Her company sponsors this Wellness Week.

And it's a very public, very big deal,

so we kind of have
a little balancing act here.

We do our jobs
while simultaneously tolerating

Bethany's wackadoodle quirks.

Last year, she tried to
get me to use corn ethanol

to power the ship.

Corn.

I tell you, this whole, uh,
"global warming" crap

is just so overblown.

Global warming is overblown?

Just this week, we'll re-routing around

a major tropical depression
off the coast of Baja.

Tell me, when have we ever
had tropical depressions

- in this time of year?
- Well, if the Earth's

getting so hot,
then you just explain to me

why there was 8 feet
of flipping snow last Christmas

in my hometown of Dowagiac, Michigan.

Rosie, I'm gonna tell you,
you're the best damn engineer

that a captain could ever ask for

and nobody knows
this Odyssey better than you,

but on this point, you're dead wrong.

I've been on the seas
for the better part of my life

and sailed every ocean
in every condition.

And I can tell ya,

from my experience, this isn't right.

These storms are stronger

and the hurricane seasons last
months longer than they used to.

But speaking of disasters,

it's time for the rest of you
fools to lose your clothing.

- Ah.
- Good.

- Who's still in?
- I'm out like Ellen.

Ooh.

Ohh!

Rosie, you can smell that thing
in Buenaventura.

Uh, yeah. I'm out, Cap. You got me, too.

Fold, but...

Well, joke's on you.

I'm an exhibitionist.

Ha ha ah! There he is!

Well, look, first I want to just say

thank you for inviting me

to the Boys and Butches card game.

And "Bi's."

Sorry. Boys, Butches, and Bi's.

And in that spirit of inclusion,
I would like to say...

I'm in.

Really?

- Really.
- Okay.

Three cowboys.

Ooh!

"How rude" is the catchphrase

of Stephanie Tanner
on my favorite sitcom...

- Oh, no.
- Oh! Come on.

- Come on!
- ..."Full House."

Okay.

Oh.

- Hey!
- Okay. There we go!

Why not the...

The hat always stays on.

Well, that's game for me.

Remember... this week, chins up.

We can navigate around any rough waters,

and we can navigate around the
peculiarities of Bethany Welles.

So no tropical depressions,

either atmospheric or emotional,
are gonna darken our days.

I forecast smiles

and smooth sailing and sunny skies!

Good night, y'all.

- Night, Cap.
- Night, Cap.

Are we still on course?

Barely maintaining.

Alright, team.
We're entering the first trough.

- Alright. Brace for impact.
- Brace!

So I got a letter yesterday, and, uh...

Well, uh, I got it.

I got the scholarship.

- Yeah.
- That's amazing!

- Thank you!
- Oh, congratulations!

Thanks. Thanks.

You're gonna be a doctor.

You're going to med school.
You're leaving.

- Y-Yeah. Yeah. I guess so.
- Wow.

- Yeah.
- Man, I'm so happy for you.

- That's... That's great.
- Thank you.

- That is great.
- Thank you so much.

Yeah.

- Hey. Should we...
- Do you want to...

Well, I just wanted to
check in and make sure

if you wanted to talk about
what happened, but...

Uh, I mean, I don't have
to talk about what happened.

- Do you want to talk about what happened?
- Oh. No, no.

Then I... No, no, no. I'm good.
If you're good, I'm good.

- We're great.
- Okay. We're good.

- Yeah. That's good.
- Yeah. Good.

Well, congratulations.
I-I'm really happy for you.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

That's Agnes Simkin!

She's an acupuncturist and a psychic.

She's helped thousands of
people diagnose chronic conditions.

Unbelievable. Why rely
on the scientific method

when you can just read
your patient's palm?

You both really think

Western medicine
has everything figured out?

Well, all I know
is that when I get sick,

I go to a doctor for some pills,
not a witch for some toadstools.

Taxus brevifolia.

A.k.a. the Pacific yew tree.

Its bark contains paclitaxel,
better known as Taxol,

the life-saving chemotherapy drug.

Practitioners were called crazy
when they first started

- using it as a cancer treatment.
- Yeah, but maybe for this week,

we don't use that word... "crazy."

Mi Capitàn! Buenos dias!

Muy bueno to be back!

Bienvenida, Bethany.

Todo es bien.

Look at those sapphire eyes.

Oh! You're just so handsome!
I came bearing gifts.

- That's so nice.
- And you get a prize.

- Thank you.
- And you get a prize.

- And you get a prize.
- Thank you.

- Captain!
- And, Captain...

Uh... Oh. I'm sorry.
Excuse me one second.

Do you know what this is?!

Ozone therapy.

Where does that tube go?

It's a rectal application.

Wellness culture.
It's my agony. It's my ecstasy.

Sue me.

Avery! Oh, my radiant daughter!

Look at you!

You know, it's time to cut
that thing out of your life.

And I know you know
what I'm talking about.

Yes, yes.

We'll talk later about it.
You must be the doctor!

Oh. Oh. Your aura.

It's a crimson, bloody shadow!

- Hi. Hi.
- Huh?

- Sorry.
- Ohh.

Hi. I'm Kathy. I came all
they way from Cedar Rapids.

I can't believe
it's really you! I'm crying!

Oh, bless you.

May our tears, as carriers
of truth, flow ceaselessly.

- Can I get a selfie?
- You better post it. Right?

Okay.

Rowan! Rapido!

Tag B. Welles Health and Beauty

for 10% off at our onboard store.

Ah! The ship has called to me
like a great spirit beckoning.

May she nestle you securely
in her mighty bosom.

Oh. Ohh!

Everyone, I'd like you to meet

my dear, dear friend, Vivian Montgomery,

whom you may recognize
if you own a television.

That's right. Viv is a two-time winner

of "Red-Hot Chef,"

and she will be overseeing
our cuisine this week.

Oh, her liver carpaccio is to die for!

Personal chef to a bunch
of smoothie drinkers.

Sweet gig.

Coming from a candy striper
on a cruise ship?

Um, Bethany, what's all this?

Oh, did I forget to tell you? Oops.

Might I wrangle the doctor
for just a squeak?

I just have some
tiny micro details to go over

just for pesky insurance purposes.

- Wrangle away.
- You're the best.

My lawyers, the nervous ninnies,

demanded a doctor sign off
on some of my cuisine choices.

You know, liability, yada yada yada.

You know, I've been
on this incredible diet

for the past six months
and I've never felt better.

Viv, tell him all about it!

It's organ meats, nature's multivitamin.

They're rich in iron, copper,
vitamins A, B.

Low in cholesterol and full of protein.

Here. Try it.

This is goat liver.

The flavor is smooth, delicate,
and it's easily digestible.

Are you asking me to eat that?

- Obviously.
- No.

Raw meat is filled with
bacteria, pathogens, parasites.

- Why don't we cook it first?
- No You'll ruin it

That's the food of our ancestors.

You know, they didn't have
expensive flambé pans

or fancy polyurethane sous vide bags.

No, they took a raw bite,

they chewed, they swallowed,
and they thrived.

And they lived
to the ripe old age of 22.

You eat sushi, right?
What's the difference?

Come on, Doc. What are you afraid of?

I'll eat it.

Tristan. So nice of you to join us.

Sh... Happy to help.

Wow. That looks...

looks lovely.

- Thank you.
- Mmm.

See? Nothing to be afraid of.

I'm having Vivian
include a special course

with tonight's dinner...
with your go-ahead, Doctor.

I don't see the harm. What say you, Doc?

Sure, but I want a member of my team

to oversee the food-prep process.

I don't want there to be
any cross-contamination.

Tristan, you seem to
have taken a keen interest.

Oh, yeah. Whatever you say.

You hear that?

You're mine.

Dearie me.

How y'all doing?

I'm Judy Riva the Smoothie Diva,

and I'm joined today
by healer extraordinaire

Agnes Simkin!

Now, organic ingredients
mixed properly...

- this is nature's medicine.
- Hm.

So I put all the good stuff
in one powder... DivaDust.

Now, this is my proprietary blend

of superfoods, minerals,
and pre- and probiotics.

Hm. What's in it? She won't tell me.

She never has.

Well, I can't tell you.

If I tell you that, my lawyers

will have you walk the gangplank.

I have a crazy legal team, as well. Hm.

What I can tell you is that this mixture

literally erased my son's dyslexia.

And for me, it cured a terrible
case of chronic hiccups.

Uh, you know, three years ago,

Judy came to me
and she said, "Eat my dust,"

in that very brash tone of hers.

Um, but I have to say,
I'm so glad that I did, really.

Because I start every morning
with a DivaDust smoothie.

And I know it's hard
to tell in this tunic,

but I'm quite thin.

So the proof is in the pudding,
as they say.

Yes. The proof is in the dust.

I have, along with DivaDust,

a couple of incredible ingredients

which are not even legal in the U.S.

- Ooh.
- Um, including bitter almonds.

These guys have twice the nutrients

and way more flavor

than the regular old ones
at the supermarket.

Excuse me.
Can we get a picture with you?

Oh. Of course, my loves.

Uh, Miss Simkin? Hi. Um, I'm Avery.

I'm a nurse here on the Odyssey,

and I just wanted to say I'm a huge fan.

It's a shame to see such
a young and promising woman

working for the enemy.

Hm. Big Pharma?

The sickness industrial complex?

Doctors and nurses, like yourself,

have a vested interest
in keeping people sick.

True wellness comes from within,
not without.

Um, I-I don't... I don't think
that's fair at all, actually.

I-I swore an oath to help people

that I take very seriously.

A-Are you...

Uh, are you okay?

Huh.

I'm fine, sweetie. I'm an empath.

I probably picked up
on a rogue emotion of yours.

Perhaps guilt.

Miss Simkin?


We need a stretcher, stat!

What the hell was in that smoothie?

Let's get her cuffed up.

No... No tech. I'm tech-adverse.

No. Get it off.

Prep 5 grams of hydroxocobalamin.

Poisoned by bitter almonds?

T-That's impossible! They're organic.

Yeah. So is arsenic.

Bitter almonds contain amygdalin,

which breaks down into hydrogen cyanide

when ingested in high doses.

Be ready to initiate ACLS procedures.

If I'm gonna be subjected
to this Western medical t*rture,

I at least need to be able to breathe!

I'm gonna get you some oxygen right now.

No, no, sweetie, no.
Allow my... my body to breathe.

Doctor...

Spider angiomas.

Avery, this isn't cyanide poisoning.

It's not the almonds.

Well, I hate to say I told you so.

What else is in those smoothies?

I can't tell you that.
That's... That's proprietary.

I mean, that's like telling you
the recipe for Coca-Cola.

She's seizing!

Let's get her oxygen now!

It's just a thickener!

Ashwagandha root. B complex vitamins.

- A Tara powder base.
- Tara powder?

Prep for emergency dialysis now.

Prep the machine. We're aiming
for a bicarbonate dialysate.

Start at a flow rate
of 300 milliliters a minute.

Got it.

Monitoring for disequilibrium syndrome.

Tara powder.
How did you know what that was?

When I was working for
Doctors Without Borders in Peru,

we would get cases of kids
who were accidentally eating

the seed pods from the tara tree,

which is toxic to the liver,
and they also bind to proteins,

making it impossible
for the body to absorb them.

- She'll be fine in a few days.
- Explains why people who drink

the smoothies feel full
but still lose weight.

They're developing malnutrition. Nice.

- Hey, gents.
- Captain.

Say what you will about her,

Bethany Welles puts together
a hell of a gift bag.

Care for a saltwater taffy

made with Indian Ocean saltwater?

Munroe, when I was 18 years old,

I worked a clam trawler
out of Atlantic City,

and ever since then,
that taffy tastes like

broken heart and permanent sunburn.

Tell me about this tropical depression.

She's taking the usual route
up the coast...

northwest to west-northwest.

If we stay the course, we should
only encounter the outer bands.

Shouldn't get much choppier than this.

Alright. Good. I'm still gonna want

some up-to-minute reports from
the National Hurricane Center.

Give me some bridge-to-bridge comms

and forecasting models from OWS and GFS.

Anything changes, we'll just
turn this puppy around

and make port in Baja.

Meanwhile, let's smooth
this damn ride out.

Sir.

Bridge to Control Room.
Activate stabilizers.

Control Room copies.
Activating stabilization system.

Folks, this is your captain
coming to you from the bridge.

Now, out on the ocean,
as in life, it's not a question

of when you're gonna
encounter waves.

It's, what do you do when they come up?

And here on the Odyssey,

when the waves come a-rockin'...

we start rockin' and rollin'.

Boom.

- Not so much.
- Yes, Chef.

Hmm.

You call that a julienne?

I call that a carrot.

Well... you're hopeless.

I really am.

Back to work!

Yes, Chef.

Hey, Bethany. Is everything okay?

Absolutely not!

My beef hearts taste like organ meat!

Something is off.

I'm so sorry to hear that.
The meat is fresh.

It's emulsified with capers,
shallots, anchovy paste.

It's the same as always.

Listing the ingredients
doesn't help, Viv!

Clearly we made a mistake!

You know, you're a talented cook,

but it takes a real brilliant
chef to work at this scale.

Alright? Just get rid of it.
Take it away.

And do that thing I like
with the Spam and the mozzarella

and mix it up so it looks like tartare.

Okay? Can you do that?!
That's cooking 101!

- Of course.
- Thank you.

What?

We're friends.

You're "friends"?

I thought you were
trying to not do this.

- Do what?
- I support

whatever you're doing or not doing.

She's talented, successful.
Maybe this thing has legs.

It's got legs. Long ones.

Her food is awful. I can't eat this.

For whatever it's worth,
my liver mousse is really tasty.

Yeah, well, it's making me nauseous.

Then go have a Hot Pocket in your cabin!

You know what? I think I will.

No. Nope. We're not doing this again.

No more drama in the infirmary.

Go quash whatever that is right now.

Looks like we're on the other
side of that storm system.

Yeah, maybe.

Hey.

What is your problem?

Are you jealous or something?

Of you and...

No, babe, I'm not jealous.

You rejected me.

And now that I'm moving on
and I've found someone

that I actually like,
it's making you crazy.

What? She's nice and she's smart.

She's an extremely good cook.

She literally doesn't cook.
That's her whole thing.

- She's a talking Cuisinart...
- Hey, guys.

Ah...

Ah, imagine coming out onto the deck...

only to find people talking about you.

Not cool.

I'm going to bed. I feel sick.

Have a bit too much Zinfandel?

No, actually. I had a lot
of whatever you made tonight.

Hey. Cut it out.
Knock it off over there.

We got bigger fish to fry.

We're not on the other side
of this storm.

We're in the eye of it.

Damn thing must have built up around us.

Brandon, give me your walkie.

Captain Massey to the bridge.

Munroe, what's it look like
on the Doppler?

First Officer Munroe, come in.

First officer Munroe, come in.

Psilocybin.

Ohh. Beautiful.

What... What's going on, Cap?

Well, Munroe, what's going on

is you're higher than
Snoop D-O Double G...

and we're in the middle of a hurricane,

maybe one of the worst

I've ever seen
in this part of the Pacific.

High?

- Yeah.
- I'm high? What?

Yeah. You're alright.

You didn't get into that, did you?

No, sir.

That's one in a row.

Hmm...

Folks, this is your captain

calling from the bridge deck
with an update.

Well, it appears that
Mother Nature has decided

to come along for the ride this week.

As calm as it may seem right now,

we are actually
in the eye of a hurricane.

The worst of the storm could
hit in a few hours or a day.

Remain calm and await
further announcement.

I told you there was
something wrong with that food!

Avery, you in there?

You okay?

Ugh.

I'm not leaving until I see whatever
ingenious thing

you've fashioned into a barf bucket.

It's from the nursery.

It's for sandcastles.

Not anymore.

Okay. Infirmary. Come on. Let's go.

I have food poisoning.
Just let me cocoon in privacy.

How do you know it's food poisoning?

Oh, because I am
a very good nurse, Maxwell.

Abdominal pain, vomiting, and,

oh, yeah, eating a plateful of raw meat.

Is it a broad pain
or a sharp, persistent pain?

You are a sharp, persistent pain.

We don't self-diagnose.

Them's the rules. Infirmary! Come on!

No. I can hardly stand.

How do you expect me
to walk to the infirmary?

No.

Purify the space!
To create a better place!

Purify the space! Put it on your face!

I leave for five minut...
Are you burning sage?!

Create a better place! Purify the space!

Create a better place! Purify the space!

- Hey, Tristan.
- Yeah?

You call that in to the bridge,
make sure they know

there's nothing on fire down here.

Way ahead of you.
She showed up and started

babbling about healing rituals.

Need a hand over here with Avery.

- I need her vitals and put her on...
- 500-mil saline bag.



- My guy. And for pain?
- Ozone.

No, I was gonna say Toradol, but...

No. She's inhaling the ozone.

Oh, God! Bethany!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

We do not inhale the ozone.
That's toxic.

Okay. Hi, Bethany. Hi. Hi. Hi.

I'm gonna need
to take your vitals. Okay?

- Mm-hmm.
- Stick with me for one sec.

- I can do this.
- Dr. Odyssey!

- Hey, Tristan.
- Yeah?

I need a CBC and a tox screen.

I think she might have
ingested something.

Yeah, a spoonful of bath salts maybe?

Also prep some Ativan.
We're gonna do a grab-and-stab.

- Grab-and-stab.
- Hi, Bethany. Hi. Hi.

How you doing? Deep breaths.
One breath. Two breath.

Three deep... Three deep breaths.

Sleep well, B. Welles.

Let's get her in some straps,
just in case.

We're back with you.

Alright. What happens when
you palpate your right side?

Oww! Rebound pain.

Okay. It's not food poisoning.

It's either, um... It's kidney
stones, diverticulitis...

- Or appendicitis.
- Appendicitis?

Do we have time to do tests, a CT scan?

No, but we don't need to.

Are you familiar with RPO procedure?

- Nuh-unh.
- There are three checks.

One, pain in the lower-right quadrant.

You've already exhibited that.

Two pain when the right leg is flexed.

Check.

Three, pain when the hip
is put into interior rotation.

Ow! Check, check, check!
Ding, ding, ding!

Max, I think you're
gonna have to operate.

Ooh! It feels like it's gonna rupture!

Yeah, I told you. I told you.

I told you it wasn't food poisoning.

Why won't you listen to me, Aves?!

All guests,
please return to your cabins.

All guests,
please return to your cabins.

Well, we've outrun her
about as long as we can.

Rosie, set speed to 120 RPMs.

Helmsman, adjust your heading
to 045 degrees.

Set condition Zebra.

All hands, prepare for heavy weather.

Secure all openings.

I want this ship
drier than Rosie's stories

about growing up in Dowagiac.

Roger that. But you live
for my stories, Cap! Don't lie!

Engage heeling pumps on
starboard to counteract portside list.

Good idea, Tim Leary.
Did you get that, Rosie?

Heard it and on it.

Folks, this is the Captain
coming from the bridge deck.

Well...

It's a funny thing about
being surrounded on all sides.

The only way out is through.

Go to your cabins,
secure your belongings,

and brace for rough water.

Infirmary to Bridge.
Captain, you there?

Yeah, Max. What do you need?

Honestly, I need a miracle.

It's Avery.
Her appendix is about to burst.

We need to do emergency surgery.

I need 20 minutes of calm waters.

Is that 20 consecutive minutes?

I'll take 'em how I can get 'em.

Alright. Stay calm.

Avery's in good hands
with you and Tristan,

and you're in good hands with
me and the bridge crew up here.

I'm gonna get you that 20 minutes,

but it's not gonna be all at once.

It's gonna take the
better part of the next hour.

I got an idea.
It's an old seamen's maneuver.

It violates about 50 nautical laws...

but we'll deal with that later.

The only thing you have to do
is stay calm

and follow my instructions
to the letter.

Can you do it?

Yes, sir. We can do it.

Alright.

This is how "trough riding" works.

We're gonna navigate this storm
in a big zig-zag pattern.

I'm gonna position the ship
in the trough of a wave,

and that should carry us along
for a couple minutes.

When we absolutely have to,
I'll give warning

and we'll make a hard 90-degree turn,

thrust through the wave
and into the next trough,

which should buy us
a couple more minutes.

So instead of steady rocking,
we'll have moments of calm

followed by "Whoa, mama,
hang on to your hat!"

That's exactly right, Rosie.

Guys, the life of one of our own
is on the line down there.

The only way this works is if we stay

in constant contact
and communication. Copy?

- Yes, sir.
- Copy that.

How am I supposed to pull this off, huh?

Without you bossing me around?

Just remember... if you k*ll me,

my ghost is gonna come crop-dust you

every time you're alone with a girl.

Intubating now.

Alright, team.
We're entering the first trough.

Cutting along the McBurney line now.

Access.

Locating the appendix.

Got it.

Time's up! I gotta make the turn!

One sec, Cap!

Don't have it. Brace now.

Watch it. If those hit
the ground, they're useless.

Yeah. There it is. I got it.

Clamp.

Clamp.

Brace for impact. Brace!

Sir, the wind. It's changing
direction on us.

We got a rogue wave coming.

Get ready. Brace yourself now!

Ligatures are loose.
I got uncontrolled bleeding.

I need visualization, stat.

Yeah. We're good.

We're okay, Cap. We lost you there.

But we're okay. All three of us.

Well, I'm glad to hear it.

It's not over yet, but I think
we're through the worst of it.

It's still too shaky.

I can't get the sutures to stick.

Can I?

Got it.

We call this the "cruise ship knot."

It's the same as a square knot,

but you double the back loops.

You see?

Scissors.

That's actually... very smart.

Well...

I do know some things, Doc.

- Whoo!
- Yes.

Yeah, baby! That was fun!
Wanna do it again?

Whoo! That's what
I'm talking about, baby!

Hey, Tristan...

You know a lot more
than some things.

That was incredible work.

I wouldn't have wanted
anybody else in there with me.

Her blood pressure's dropping.
Heartbeat's irregular.

Looks like she vomited during the storm.

Let's get her on her side
so she doesn't aspirate.

- Yeah.
- Ready? One. Two. Three.

Do you think it's drugs?

Hallucinogenic therapy?

I'm not so sure.
Look at her wrists. Swelling.

Yellowing of the fingernails.

Jaundice.
Something to do with her liver.

Oh.

Such negative auras.

Ugh.

That's what she said to me
when we first met.

I had a "crimson aura."

Bingo.

Kayser-Fleischer rings.

- Uh, w-what?
- It's copper poisoning.

Y-You see the rust-colored rings
around her Iris?

- Mm-hmm.
- That's why she's seeing auras.

Her vision's clouded. It also explains

the neurological symptoms
and the ataxia.

Organ meat... extremely high
in heavy metals.

And liver is high in copper.
She needs chelation therapy.

We need to detox her system.

Let's get her on an I.V.
of penicillamine.

- Yeah.
- Ondansetron for nausea.

Also let's put her
on a normal saline bolus

- just to flush out her system.
- I got it.

Hmm.

Energy meridians run
like streams through the body.

Strong emotions muddy
the waters, pollute the soul.

Agnes, are you sure
you're ready to do this?

I mean, I thought I k*lled you.

Sweetie, it's gonna take more
than a smoothie to get rid of me.

Hm!

I'm closing up shop.
I've blended my last bebida.

Judy, sweetie, you're a healer,
for Goddess' sake.

You can't quit that easy.

Did I ever tell you
about that pro golfer

whose shoulder I was working on?

I can't say who he is, of course,

but let's just say
he was a real "big cat"

if you catch my drift.
It was Tiger Woods. Yeah.

I was tapping his Yunmen,
the cloud gate,

but I was a millimeter off.

He lost sensation in his whole arm

a week before the Masters.

Gradually over the next
six days, sensation returned.

And that weekend, he shot 18 below par,

took home the Green Jacket.

It's amazing what miracles
can happen with catastrophe.

Huh. I'm sensing a real imbalance
right here in your Tianliao.

Yeah. Inhale deeply for me.

Ooh. That one felt kind of funny.

Oh, yeah. That's toxicity
leaving the body.

Now exhale all that negativity.

Judy, does it hurt when you breathe?

- Yes.
- Her lips are turning blue.

Central cyanosis. O2 SATS are at 88%.

- She needs oxygen.
- How long are these needles?

Uh, they range. The black
ones are 100 millimeters.



The intrapleural space
is 25 millimeters,

so what you've done here
is punctured her lung.

Now all the air is rushing
out into her chest cavity

and it's crushing her heart and lungs.

- O2 SATS are at 70.
- Prep for a thoracostomy.

I'm gonna get these needles out now.

No! No, no, no! Are you crazy?!

If you interrupt her treatment now,

you could permanently alter
her energy pathways!

What she needs is
to breathe through this.

The only way
she's breathing through this

is through a chest tube.

Judy, when I tell you,
I'm gonna need you

to breathe out all the air
in your lungs and hold it.

Okay?

Scalpel.

Ready?

Hm.

Okay. Now.

This is gonna hurt a little.

- Drape.
- Okay.

Finish dressing the wound.
Monitor her vitals.

- I'm gonna go check on Avery.
- She's fine.

She's better than ever, actually.

She needed this. She needed this.

You!

Me.

I must say. This is feeling
very "Gift of the Magi."

Is that that story about
the poor husband and wife

who try to buy each other
the perfect Christmas present?

She sells her hair
to buy him a watch chain.

He sells his watch to buy her a comb.

Two people with the purest of intentions

ensnared by the cruelest circumstances.

Are you trying to turn
this into some kind of...

Shh, shh, shh. Sweetie, sweetie.

I can intuit what you're thinking.

Okay? And I forgive you.

You nearly k*lled me,
you carnival-act fraud.

- Stop! Break it up!
- She crossed a boundary!

I am thrilled to announce
the launch of our new product,

B. Welles Detox, a high-quality,
at-home chelation system

that will help remove heavy
toxic metals from our systems.

Pollutants she put there.

Stay super sweet.
Really beautiful dress.

Anyhoozle... I'm very excited to say

that I'll be partnering with
the fabulous Purdue Pharma.

Can we do another one, Rowan?

I am ending up with
some ceremonial-grade lip balm.

As am I.

- Oh. Big bet.
- Big time.

Wait a minute.

Are you gambling with
precious B. Welles products?

And losing quite badly, I might add.

I would happily trade all the
serums and balms in the world

to never have to do
a Wellness Week ever again.

Hear, hear. Cap? Please? No, we can't.

I'm one step ahead
of you whiners. As usual.

I spoke to Lenore this morning.

We are not renewing with B. Welles.

Didn't hurt that Lenore
had broken out in hives

from one of the sunless tanners
that Bethany had given her.

Well, from now on,

when it comes to wellness,
I'm sticking to the classics.

Eat your veggies,
take the stairs, drink water.

And regular checkups.

And maybe a colonic here or there.

Hi. Soup.

It's cooked. I promise.

Is this an olive branch?

Uh, well, it's my chicken cassoulet

with basil oil and white truffle.

All of that raw-meat stuff,
that was Bethany.

This is more me.

Oh, wow.

That's, um... That's incredible.

Well, there's more where that came from.

Uh, reminds me... Chef Ricamore has, uh,

suddenly made an abrupt
departure from the Odyssey.

Something crazy like a newborn
baby girl or something.

So Vivian has graciously agreed

to stay with us
for the rest of the season.

Oh, wait. You, uh...
You quit your job with Bethany?

- Congrats.
- Yeah.

She gave a whole new meaning
to toxic work environment.

- Mm-hmm.
- I'm looking forward to

cooking for people
who are actually sane.

Oh, well, let me know
when you find those people.

Okay. Well, that's my cue.

This week, I give you three
permission to stay below deck

while we manage the disembarkment.

Come with me?

Yeah. I'll, um... I'll see you around.

Yeah, yeah. Okay.

I will catch you
on the port side. Ha-ha.

Really, Tristan?

Real talk.

I almost died last night, didn't I?

What?! No.

Once you were out,
there were hardly any waves.

Honestly. We breezed right
through it. It was simple.

Hmm. Yeah. Okay. Go on. Get out of here.

You only get two days
before the next cruise.

You don't want to waste them here.

Roller skating on the boardwalk
or play Whac-A-Mole

or whatever it is you do in your
free time. What are you doing?

You know, I was never
any good at roller-skating.

I don't play Whac-A-Mole
because of ethical issues.

Animal cruelty.

Now, if you're not gonna eat that soup,

I have a delicious new recipe.

It's pizza rolls,
but you don't cook them.

You eat them raw.

Yes, we plucked them
from the pepperoni tree,

just like our ancestors used to.

Ah. Idiots. Both of you.

If I bust these sutures,
you're fixing 'em.

Ugh. Okay. Deal me a hand.

I think I'm getting the hang of this.

Ceremonial-grade lip balm.

What kind of ceremony needs lip balm?

Oh, wouldn't you love to know?

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

- Your sutures.
- Ow!

Stop it.