04x01 - "The Vicar of Dibley" Merry Christmas

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Christmas Special 2004


Tell me, Jim...

What is the best pop group
of all time?

No...

the "Nolan Sisters"

I agree.
The scintillating sisters of sin.

And the best entertainer?

No...

Noel Edmonds, obviously.

Of course!

And the greatest metaphysical philosopher?

No...

I have no idea.

Sorry we're late.
Family obligations.

- Topic 1.
- What family obligations?

Father put the house in my name,
for tax evasion

For tax evasion.

- What are you doing? The meeting hasn't started.
- It's started. You said, "Subject 1."

and Hugo said: Father, he wrote the house
in my name for tax evasion.

Do you have anything else, President, before we vote?

- Vote for what?
- On tax evasion.

Those who are pro-tax evasion?

Those against?

It's not tax evasion, it's a legal method
of avoiding taxes.

Those who are against the legal method
of tax evasion?

Who consider that the legal method
of tax evasion,

is just a fancy term for saying
"tax evasion"?

- Topic 1.
- Sorry I'm late...

I was watching a documentary
about Tara Palmer Thompkinson.

I went into a coma.

As I said, "Theme 1".

Before Item 1, President
may I raise Item 0.5?

- No.
- Thank you very much.

I just wanted to say that this Christmas
is kind of special to me.

Does anyone know why?

Will "Carry On Camping" be shown on TV?

- I don't know, Jim, but it's not...
- I know...

Well done, Hugo.

I think it is, that Jesus will be born again.

But this time he's gonna kick our asses
our asses.

To transform the world of hate,
into a world of love.

That's kind of special.

Here comes Jesus and "Carry On Camping".

It will be the best Christmas ever.

Jesus will not be born again,

although it would be fun for him to present
Songs of Praise.

No, it's kind of special because,

is my tenth anniversary in Dibley.

Not as good as Jesus coming back.

But nevertheless moving.

In what way touching, Frank?

You're a woman who could
could do anything,

to go anywhere,

and yet you chose to waste
the best 10 years of your life,

staying here with us jerks.

Yes, thanks for that.

No...

You have given us wonderful memories to look back on.

Yes! Do you remember when Alice gave birth
during the Nativity play?

How can I forget?

You tried to cut the umbilical cord
during the break.

And you remember the time,

when you and I made passionate love
at the pool table in the pub?

No, Jim, that was a dream.

And the time you pole danced
in my living room,

with Mother Teresa, who was wearing nothing.

Just a corduroy bikini.

Don't say it was a dream.

No, Jim. That was a nightmare.

One thing is certain. Of course we will celebrate
the vicar's anniversary.

And I say this, with every perspective
of destruction.

Let's hear ideas at the next meeting.

Let's see what ideas we can download.

And now, at last...

Topic 1.

Actually, I have to go.

Wait... you can't just...

Good Lord, it's midnight.

No, it's 8:00.

- Your clock is going back.
- What does it say to you?



There goes mine, in the back.

And mine.

If I go after midnight, Alice will be furious.
Good night, Father.

You don't think I've wasted my life?

Of course not.

I hope not.

I am very excited,

celebrating your tenth birthday.

This is my tenth anniversary as a chaplain.

I figured Hugo was wrong.
I told him,

"If he's only ten years old,

how she has breasts like the cathedral
St. Paul's Cathedral?"

Funny how things have changed in 10 years.

There were hardly any
women pastors back then.

I'll never forget David's expression
when he first saw me.

I know.

No, it wasn't like that.

- No, I...
- No, it was...

- Stop it, Alice.
- Okay. Okay.

Stop it, or I'll hit you.

Funny how things have progressed.

The churches are full of little girls
which is perfect.

Now we are fighting for the right of priests
to be openly g*y.

Hold the flag proudly high.

Fill the churches with sisters.

Not the phraseology I would choose.

I'm very much in favour of these
that come out of the cupboards.

- The wardrobe
- Right.

What a scary idea...

You want to get your coat,
first cold day of winter,

and standing in the closet,

Graham Norton, Dale Winton.
and Sir Ian McKellen.

They better come out of the closet
so we can see them.

Is it crazy, though?

When I was 20, there was no priest
in the Church of England who wasn't g*y.

You had to be g*y to get in.

And then they went on to officially appoint,

an openly g*y bishop,
and divided the church.

I'll have to declare myself g*y,
as a protest.

If you were g*y...

Great minds think the same.

Yes. Not on this occasion.

But imagine that all men
are dead,

because it was discovered that football
is poisonous.

You have the opportunity...

to pick a girl.

Which one would you choose?

Many to choose from.

Half the population of the Earth.

- Yes, and Eddie Izard.
- Yes.

Some nights, yes.

Let me think...

Wait.

What is the name of the girl who presents
that sports quiz?

She's blonde. You know her...

- With plaid hair
- Sue Barker?

Yes. Certainly not her.

That would be an interesting alternative.
Rachel Hunter.

Pages 7 and 8.

You have a lot to learn
from its curves and crevices?

Oh, my God, look at these.

- And this.
- Yes.

If I take everything into account,

I'd probably pick the queen.

- You want to sleep with the queen?
- No, not really, but I mean...

would be great for conversation, huh?

You're going to the post office,

you buy a stamp and you look at it and you say.
"I've got that one."

You can say, "It took her time to warm up,

but it was worth the wait."

- You?
- I wouldn't choose the queen.

I think I'd go for Rachel.

He could have the other Rachel
Rachel Stevens in his back pocket for backup.

Two for the price of one.

Why not, Lesbo-greedy.

l*sbian naughty!

It would be vag*na-fantastic!

Moon-wonderful!

Sorry, it's getting late, Alice.

Let's go to bed.

Excuse me?

No, in separate beds, Alice.

For a moment I thought...

For God's sake, no.

Don't get me wrong.

No, I don't blame you.

Well, good night then.

Theme 4.
Celebration of the anniversary of the vicarage.

And I'm afraid we have some ideas.

Yes. Jim, you wrote to the Pope,

- and you asked him to make me a saint?
- That's right.

Catholicism is only a problem.

Is the Pope a Catholic?

Yes, that's the problem,
and I'm not.

You're not?

- No, Jim, none of us.
- We're Anglicans.

Since when?

Since 1534.

You learn something new every day.

And Owen, your idea is
c*ck party the night before?

- Exactly.
- Yes, sir.

- With a stripper?
- Yes.

Preferably Kirsty Young
presenter on Channel 5?

Yes.

Kirsty the Vixen, she's k*lling it!

I'm afraid I'm going to have to step on it.

- No stripper.
- Too bad, Chaplain.

But I like the idea of the party,
so let's say "yes."

We can do it at my house.

It's my house now.

And you can open one of those
the hidden expensive champagne
you save for special occasions.

Yeah, I was saving them for Alice's funeral,

but unfortunately he looks healthy.

...

- And I have another festive idea.
- Well done.

How we sing the traditional
Christmas carols,

"Good day to you, lords, if it be your pleasure."
and...

"Merry Wobble Christmas"?

Yes, although that's not exactly caroling.

"The angel Gabriel sank."

I think it came off, Frank.

What was your idea, Hugo?

I thought of a contest to write new carols
for your anniversary.

Genius. Contest "God-vision".
Let's do it.

I actually started mine.

I can give you a taste.

"sh**t," he said with a wide smile.

It is inspired by artists
like Eminem,

Fatman Scoop and Nellie.

It is going to happen,

will save your a*s,

They call it Jesus' a*s,

Hallelujah,

...

he'll f*ck you.

What do you think?

Should I keep working on it?

No.

Why mess with perfection?

That's not exactly what I meant.

The rest of you, verses by Sunday,

And whoever wins will be sung
at the staying service.

And as for the anniversary party, something simple.

A drink, some Nuts,

Maybe even some "Nuts" to eat.

And strippers, are they excluded?

It doesn't have to be Kirsty.

It could be Moira Stewart.

It is more refined.

Get on with something else.

Not with this.

I'm just watching football.

I've become a fanatic
after the World Cup.

- Great, what's the score?
- I have no idea.

Look at Johnny Wilkinson's thighs.

I'm sorry. How can I help?

I'm going to a terrible conference
for two weeks.

I wanted the anniversary thing to be taken care of.

Maybe I'll come back later?

No, I'm sorry...

Sorry, I'm hanging up.

I'm not stuck.

- What...
- I'll put it in the video.

Basically,

I want to commemorate these ten wonderful years,

giving you something special,
and I want you to like it.

Why don't you tell me what you want,

and I'll take it. Anything.

David, thank you very much.

You embarrass me.
I don't know how much you want to spend?

- It doesn't matter, say what you want.
- Okay...

- I need a car.
- Not that much, obviously.

Okay, um...

- How about a TV with a giant screen?
- Not so much.

We're going down all the time.

I know what I want.

I saw a big fluorescent reindeer
at Mason's...

I want to take him out for Christmas.
I know it's silly...

Yeah, I don't buy that.

I thought you wanted something appropriate.

Like a leather-bound illustrated
Bible.

- Yeah, obviously a Bible would be...
- It's not just a Bible.

Leather illustrated bible.

- Like the ones they sell in town for £12.50?
- Yes.

- Oh, great!
- Excellent.

Good choice.

Ten years.

I remember I was a little unsure when you came in.

You tried to prosecute me, repeatedly.

Now I am proud
that I have a woman pastor.

What strikes me as odd
is that you've never been promoted.

I guess I didn't get the Archbishop's attention.

I guess I was too shy and tiny.

Imagine if we had met.

The magical moment when we would fall asleep
in the crowded Synod.

One sinful night of pleasure and suddenly...

Bishop Granger.

I was at the university with the archbishop.

No... it's bigger than I thought.

Yeah, I... We were in Cambridge
very good friends.

Me and God's representative on Earth.

How is it?

Bit of a nutter, actually.

Good heart, good man.

I like it, actually.

Good moral values. Nice beard.

What more do you want from a man?

Be good in bed, I suppose?

You've really evolved
in the last 10 years.

Thank you.

And you should have at least been
a bishop right now.

I left for the bookstore.

I can't wait.

A leather bound illustrated bible.

I wonder where to put it?

Perhaps along with the other 23
leather-bound illustrated Bibles.

On the shelf
with the leather-bound illustrated Bibles.

Maybe he changed his mind
and he's going for big TV.

Johnny's thighs on the big screen!

Hi.

- Sorry to bother you.
- It's all right...

- I'm Geraldine.
- I'm Rachel...

I knew it!

Hi!

A thousand pardons, I'm going to a wedding
in the neighboring village,

I traveled in jeans...

and I need to change.

I was just thinking that I haven't seen you
in all those clothes before.

And when I saw the sign "Presbytery"

I thought I'd ask the Church for help.

- Of course. Come on, Rachel Hunter.
- Thank you. Thank you.

The bedroom is upstairs.
You can change there. Watch your head.

It's so weird.

My maid and I were just talking about you.

Really, what were you saying?

We were saying how nice it would be...

if we saw you at a fashion show.

Walking up and down and turning around...

- I can arrange that.
- Really? It would be brilliant.

I also want to say that I like
the bras and panties you're wearing.

The last time in London I bought
from Selfridges I bought a pair of panties like these!

It didn't make me...

Ask them to take them off
in regular sizes, please!

But it was not wasted.

I used it for yarn.

Very effective.
See how they glow?

You didn't come here for g*y talk.

No, "g*y" talk...

Stop it, now.

Go.

- Thank you.
- Watch your head.

Who is it now? Naomi Campbell?

Hi.

- What's wrong with you?
- Nothing.

No, nothing.

A bit of a "strange" sequence of events.

Not "weird"...

If you weren't a chaplain,
and you were a little boy,

I'd say you did something naughty upstairs,

and you're afraid to tell Mommy.

But I didn't, so don't.

- Sorry, can I use
your lipstick? Of course.

Thank you, Joan.

My name is Geraldine.

I'm sorry.

Hi.

- Alice, my maid of honor.
- Hello, Alice.

Geraldine told me you were talking about me
and what you'd like to do.

I would love to.

Whenever you arrange it will be great.

I'm going to change.

It was nice to meet you.

I know what we were talking about before,
but I can't believe it.

You did it with Rachel Hunter,

and she can't even remember your name right.

Shut up, Alice.

You have completely misunderstood the situation.

And what's he doing up there
in a bra and panties?

If you can call it that.

I take it you're not from Thong?

No, I'm not.

The only "song" that interests me,

is a lovely "song"
said by a girl at a contest.

I assure you, Alice, there's nothing wrong
between Mrs. Hunter and me.

What do you think I am...

Stupid?

Don't make me answer
to that question.

Woman of mystery!

That's what I love about you.

You can never reach the bottom
of Geraldine Granger.

But I'm sure Rachel will try.

Get out of here.

- I'm coming down.
- You look fantastic.

Thank you very much.

You look taller.

I hope to see you on the runway.

That would be amazing, yes.

Thank you, you were fantastic.

Goodbye.

- Everything okay?
- Yes!

What an amazing woman, the vicar.

Obviously g*y.

No!

No!

- Nice conference?
- Desperation.

- All the cretins together.
- It must be a relief to have you home.

I wouldn't say that.

Thank you so much for giving us the house.

I won't forget the moment you signed the papers.

I've never seen you cry before.

To express our gratitude,

we made some minor changes.

I hope you like them.

As long as it's nothing too dramatic.

What do you have to say?

I think I died, went to hell,
and I'm sharing a room with Barbra Cartland.

The point is,

Alice did it all by herself,
without the help of a professional.

For some strange reason
I'm not surprised.

What I sought,

was the Classical Victorian
to meet my Little Pony.

And I think it worked.

Where's Stubbs?

I had a valuable original painting
of George Stubbs there.

He didn't fit.

We thought, perhaps, because it was a horse,
but not a pink horse.

I want him back in this room now.

Tell me the news gently.
What else is going on?

- Nothing special.
- No more shocks and surprises?

- Nothing else.
- Good.

Except for the fact that the chaplain
is g*y.

- Hello?
- He tried to deny it.

But you must be an idiot
if you add 2+2 and you don't get...

- Four.
- Four, exactly.

Gentlemen,

I called you early
on a very important matter.

It seems our chaplain is...

g*y.

I know how old-fashioned
and traditional village we are,

and I can imagine your reactions.

Well done, Vicar.

The best news I've heard since then
that bestiality is legal again.

- It didn't happen.
- Really?

This is not good.

Wait a minute,

well understand that nobody cares
even a little bit?

No...

We always had lesbians in the village.

Mrs. Copley was a l*sbian.

Before he retired.

- Was it?
- No, Jim...

He was a librarian.

Librarian, yes.

He's coming.

Don't say a word.
He doesn't know we know.

Sorry I'm late.

I hope you didn't pass Theme 2.

There are some arts sponsorships
that I want to support.

So, where are we?

I'm sorry.

Did I interrupt the Contest
Annual Stupid Eating Contest?

No. Well, let's go to Issue 2.

That's perfect.

Two young women in the village want £100
to run a theatre club.

It looks okay to me.

l*sbian Theatre Club.
Interesting development.

How many are in favour?

I don't know if they're lesbians, David.

- Isn't it?
- No, only women.

Okay.

And they do plays about lesbians?

Maybe. I don't know.

The other is the Women's Association.

They want to make a charity calendar
that I'd like to support.

Will they all be topless, or just a few?

They will have pictures of the church.

With topless women inside?

And you're going to take the pictures?

None will be topless.

Then why would you give a grant?

I'm starting to smell a theme here.

Lesbians. Topless women.

Hugo, your wife
gossiped at all?

I don't know where you got the idea...

Yes.

I want to say here and now,
you don't have a g*y vicar.

And it's a shame.

In my experience, g*y priests,
they're excellent people.

Quite right.

They know what prejudice is,

and therefore how important it is
to treat people with dignity.

Can we continue?

- Of course, if you like men...
- Owen.

Seriously, now that you're not g*y,

I want to make another attempt
with you.

Oh, for God's sake, Owen, stop.

I'm going to brush my teeth
this time.

Very well, Subject 3.

The new carols.
The meeting is at 16.00 on Sunday.

Come if you want to watch
the lowest rung of British culture

since Arthur Mallard re-recorded
"You're the One That I Want"

Owen, you said you'd thank us
and surprise us.

Yeah, I'm not so sure.
about pleasure anymore.

Say it.

Jesus was born on Christmas Day,

Hallelujah...

But he never put his stuff anywhere.

Hallelujah.

Next.

So, Frank, how many turns?



It is a controversial issue,

and it took me a while to formulate
the conclusion.

Will you forgive us if we don't listen
all the lyrics?

I can skip a few in the middle.

Go ahead.

He glorified the Lord, but he followed
your heart.

Jesus Christ was born as a cat.

- You say it.
- Next.

To say before you start,

that my hope,
for this competition

basically all my hopes
that after 10 years,

there is a trace of talent and logic
left in this village,

is entirely up to you.

No...

don't worry.

I tried to find,

which part of the story of the Nativity,

- never happened.
- Good.

And then I realized...

The birth itself.

Bad.

And how is it going?

Praise the Lord,

is coming...

from the birth canal.

Here it comes...

Look, the Virgin Mary, she's fully dilated.

He won't need a perinectomy.

I liked that.

Two weeks later.

I'm looking forward to Christmas.

Last year I couldn't wait,

and we finally celebrated on October 21.

- Great year?
- Yes.

Do you regret something?

For going to "wife swapping."

Was it a mistake?

Yeah, David was very angry.
at the end.

- When you got back?
- That's right.

- What is it?
- Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Application for the position of Deacon
in the Diocese of Canterbury.

- Yes.
- Looking for another job?

No, David told me to fill it out.

I'm not taking it.

You can't anyway,

you got a full-time job here.

Yes, I do.

You're not leaving because...

you will break my heart and I will die,
so you won't.

It's useful to know.

I have to go. I'm cooking for your party.

How many sausage pies
will you personally need?

No less than 46.

See you later.

Hello boys.

Visitors!

Hello boys.

- How can I help?
- It's for the party.

We know how much you love chocolate,
so...

we decided to build something big
out of chocolate.

- Fascinating.
- Here's a rough draft.

A chocolate baby Jesus.

Yes, in regular size.

We just wanted to know if you wanted to know
and almonds on top.

Do you want me to eat baby Jesus?

Yes, why not?

We eat it every Sunday,
in the form of a hors d'oeuvre.

Yes, but while you're eating it,

you think he died for our sins,

not "Very tasty
he looks great with praline."

He has a point.

Sorry, he's the son of God,

I can't eat him.

Not even a toe?

Not even a chubby chocolate finger?

I have to admit it looks delicious,

but no, you shouldn't.

No...

don't worry, we'll go to plan B.

- What is plan B?
- We'll call it Baby Judas.

And that's how you're gonna eat that b*stard
...one-legged man!

No.

Then we go to plan C.

Which will be a surprise.

Why?

Because we haven't thought about it yet.

- Do we have another subject?
- There is something.

It's about Frank.

He wants the party to be the best
you've ever had

an evening of endless laughter and fun.

Excellent.

So he decided not to come.

He said he didn't want to spoil the evening
because he's so...

boring.

Is that all he said?
I'm sure he said more.

Yes, he said.

but we fell asleep.

I know that at every party...

I make everyone bored.

- Nonsense, Frank! Who told you that?
- Mr. Horton.

My father...

My mother...

My two sisters...

My psychiatrist.

You.

You mustn't believe everything I say, Frank.

At Halloween's party?
You didn't bore anyone.

- No.
- See?

I wasn't there.

I have decided.
You'll have to do it without me.

It's a big disappointment, Frank.

Because - he said, and he already regretted it -

I was hoping that you
to give the keynote address.

- Really?
- Absolutely.

I tell you in all honesty that no one
makes speeches like you.

I don't know what to say.

If that's the case...

- I'll be glad to come.
- Good.

I can't remember when I've ever had such an honor before.

I can't remember 5 cases,

that I almost had some honor.

- After the Suez crisis...
- Stop here, sir.

You need to go home.
to prepare the speech.

You're gone.

Try to be shorter
than the day of judgment.

I must escape.

Nothing will change in this village.

I must escape.

Christmas Eve.

- Good evening, Vicar.
- Merry Christmas.

I think you're going to have a very special evening.

Good.

Interesting inscription.

TEN GLORIOUS EARS

The "Y" is down.
I was hoping you wouldn't notice.

- Shall we go inside?
- Alice is taking the kids down.

They wanted to say congratulations,

but they're small, and "congratulations"
is hard to pronounce,

so they'll say "Fine."

Here they come.

And here they come...

And they keep coming...

Alice and Hugo worked hard.

If you want to come by...

Poor things.

Ten fantastic years.

Thank you, I'm very touched.

I can't think of a better place
to waste my life.

And I'm happy to be in this...

incredible room.

Stubbs, David?

My God, he's handsome.

It doesn't fit at all now.

I told you.

The ceremony begins.

To begin with,

the chaplain asked Frank
to say a few words.

I was born here in Dibley
August 12, 1929.

And for tonight's occasion,

I thought I'd remember,
every vicar,

who has served here since I was born.

Oh, no!

I did,

and from everyone...

you, Vicar,

you're the best there ever was.

Thank you.

Well done, Frank.

Your best speech.

Thank you. The chaplain told me
to be brief.

I finally got something.

And we go on with a sense of titanic relief,

with not one but two surprises,
Owen and Jim.

Chaplain...
We present for your pleasure,

Not a chocolate Jesus.

Not a chocolate Judas...

- But...
- As you will see...

A chocolate fountain.

Come to mother!

- Have a marshmallow...
- I know what to do, Owen!

Get out of the way!

It's very good.

Try the fruit.

Of course I'd try the fruit, Jim.

if I was a complete idiot...

But who eats fruit when there's chocolate?

I can put my finger in,
open a road and get in.

It's very nice!

Actually...

I hope you don't mind, I'm sorry...

Yes. It's fantastic.

Excellent.
Good boys.

And now the second most exciting
surprise,

we have a visitor.

I think there's a slight problem.

Can I help?

No, you can't.

You could, but...

It's too late.

Can you hold this, please?

Because I'm going in.

I'm sorry, were you talking about a second surprise?

I don't know if the time is right,

but unfortunately he has a busy schedule,

because of the Stay.

Is it Santa Claus?

Unfortunately not.

For the 10-year anniversary
I convinced an old friend,

to come and see you tonight.

I present to you the Archbishop of Canterbury.

That was good.

Geraldine, the Archbishop of Canterbury.

Archbishop, Geraldine... our chaplain.

It is usually not covered with chocolate.

Merry Christmas, my child.

Thank you, Your Eminence.

Please lick me freely...

if you wish.

No, thank you.

As you wish.

We have a democracy.

My chances of being promoted to bishop...

the same as Jordan's chances,

to win the United Kingdom
in the Miss Small Breasts competition.

Oh, dear...

Jesus.

Remember when you made water into wine?

If you could do the opposite
for me now,

with the three bottles I downed,

would be very useful.

Otherwise I'm afraid I'll fall down.

Come in.

I was wondering if the archbishop...

You better go, because
I had a little too much to drink.

And I have to sleep now,

so I don't have a hangover,

at tomorrow's very important service.

And what about tonight's service?

What?

The operation of the Parade,
which starts in 9 minutes;

The most important function of the year.

The point is...

I completely forgot about that.

And because of this mistake...

Yes?

I have a very big problem now.

- I have a very big problem now.
- Yeah.

I have a very big problem.

Thank you.

- Does it help?
- I think it does.

Lord, forgive me for doing this,
but it's the only way.

You'll do what? What is the only way?

That hurt.

It did work though. Yes.

Let's go.

Good evening and welcome.

As you know one of the
one of the biggest problems of our society,

is the uncontrolled consumption of alcohol.

And our chaplain had a wonderful idea

to show us how horrible it is,

imagine if someone like our vicar
was completely drunk.

The whole society would collapse.

Chaplain?

No. Wrong.

Thank you.

Milk, Milk, Lemonade.

[song]

Hello!

I haven't told anyone about the boob job.

And you...

you think nobody noticed
that you're bald?

That everyone is looking at you and thinking...

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Because this man has a huge...

egg for head;

Let's move on.

More above.

More...

Come on!

On this day, many years ago,

a child was born.

And his name was...

I know...

It is in this book...

J

Jeremy.

Jesus.

Jesus.

Anyway, the name doesn't matter.

To make a long story short...

he was a really nice guy.

As it turned out.

There are two things you need to know about him.

One - He loved all of us.

And he had a nice fluffy beard.

And three...

Two - One...

"Thunderbirds Are Go!"

And now for the highlight of the operation.

Dibley's new carols,
by Jim Trott.

Praise the Lord,
coming through the birth canal.

Look, the Virgin Mary is fully dilated.

You won't have to...

Perinectomy.

Praise the Lord...

clean up the mess
and cut the umbilical cord.

Cut the umbilical cord.

It's great when you've got someone
the right gift.

- I can't wait to see her smile.
- Me too.

It will probably be like the smile
he has now.

Although the smile will be smaller
because he already has a reindeer,

and even bigger.

She's so sweet,

will show satisfaction when he sees
our humblest gift...

that cost 10 measly pounds.

Take this home and wrap something else.

What?

- I don't know.
- A pin?

No, bigger.

- A bed?
- No, smaller.

I found it, something between
between a pin and a bed.

And here's something tasteful.

Not pink.

Merry Christmas, Vicar.

I'm sorry the wine ran out,

but Kava, she's left.

- Time for the anniversary present.
- Did you see what the kids got me?

The giant reindeer I wanted.

They had a smaller cheaper one.

But after ten years, we thought
that the chaplain is worth it,

the biggest and the best.

So, we changed the price tags
and we got this one.

Excellent.

I think I know what you took from me, David.

I doubt it.

I found it boring to call you
a picture Bible.

Thanks for that.

I already have 23,
and it was the last thing I wanted.

So,

- I got your Bible...
- Good, fantastic.

Thank you. Just what I wanted.

And we have something else

that Alice now brings.

Thank you very much.

Geraldine, please accept this.
from the Horton family,

as a small token of love and gratitude
for the last ten years.

What a thrill.

Word, word...

To begin with,

and I think I speak for all of us when I say that
if you think for a moment,

how you're gonna get away with last night's drunkenness,

you're making a big mistake.

But also,

I know I speak for all of us,

saying we don't care.

You're the...

less boring vicar,
a parish can have.

Thanks to you the church is full,
not empty.

And thanks to you our lives,
are full.

No permits.

You didn't waste your time here.

Thank you.

I have no words...

Don't say anything. Just open it.

David!

I don't know what to say now.

Neither do I.

- It will be worth a fortune.
- Yes, indeed.

£122.000.

My horn,
our reindeer, obscured.

No...

I don't deny it.

We are worthy of scorn.

I will always love it.

I'll keep it close to me,
until the day I die.

I don't know how I thought of leaving
from Dibley.

It is and always will be my home.

Merry Christmas.

£122.000?

I can sell it and get a Ferrari.

Translation by ear
Alessandro Molfredo

A Christmas joke.

What happens if you cross
turkey and octopus?

I don't know.

What happens if you cross
turkey and octopus?

Everybody will eat a leg at Christmas.

Because it has eight legs.
So they all get a leg.

Not necessarily.

Not if you are 9.

Which is quite possible if you have guests
at Christmas.

I don't know if you can cross-reference
turkey and octopus because...

They must be making love, right?

And or the octopus
will not be able to breathe,

or the turkey will drown,
which is sad.

Maybe it's better,

try to cross-reference,

a very small turkey,

with a very large centipede.

Because they might be able to mate.

Plus, you'll have 100 feet,

and everyone in the village will eat a leg
at Christmas.

So the joke will work.

Thank you.

You're telling me these jokes,

before you think it through.

Set the goal for the new year.

"I need to understand how comedy works."

"I need to understand how comedy works."

- Understand?
- Yes.

Christmas Special 2004